Contest: Dialog of a tour guide through Hell [Archive] - Wizards Community

Contest: Dialog of a tour guide through Hell [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Narris
03-20-07, 03:53 PM I plan to run a campaign involving tours of Hell on flying ships, so I'd like to see what people have to say on what a tour guide would say.

<WayneTheGame> "And over here we see the palace of Asmodeus. You may remember him as being an Archduke of Hell..."
Yakman
03-20-07, 05:13 PM I think the winner is Virgil from Dante's Inferno.
Cyanide300
03-20-07, 09:37 PM "Please feel free to place your hands and arms outside the vehicle. If the devils are eating your arms they won't come after mine. In case of emergency, a prayer book and new underwear will drop from the cieling. Please assist children and the elderly with their underwear before tending to your own. In case of an emergency landing, calmly place your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.

Today we'll be playing a double feature for our in-flight movie. First will be House Guest, featuring Sinbad, followed by Biodome, featuring Poly Shore. The in-flight meal will be YOU. If you need anything, simply press the button above your head marked 'eject'. Now, please sit back, observe the no-smoldering sign, and enjoy your flight. Thank you for flying the burning skies."
TheDarkJester
03-21-07, 02:16 AM I plan to run a campaign involving tours of Hell on flying ships, so I'd like to see what people have to say on what a tour guide would say.

<WayneTheGame> "And over here we see the palace of Asmodeus. You may remember him as being an Archduke of Hell..."

Why is it I see a giant ass fireball streaking thru the sky of Avernus smashing your flying ship harder than the Hindenburg?

It's almost like having cruise ship's sail on the Styx... :D
rbingham2000
03-21-07, 02:49 PM "Please feel free to place your hands and arms outside the vehicle. If the devils are eating your arms they won't come after mine. In case of emergency, a prayer book and new underwear will drop from the cieling. Please assist children and the elderly with their underwear before tending to your own. In case of an emergency landing, calmly place your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.
:rofl:

Priceless.

Today we'll be playing a double feature for our in-flight movie. First will be House Guest, featuring Sinbad, followed by Biodome, featuring Poly Shore. The in-flight meal will be YOU. If you need anything, simply press the button above your head marked 'eject'. Now, please sit back, observe the no-smoldering sign, and enjoy your flight. Thank you for flying the burning skies."
Houseguest and Bio-Dome? Oh man...this really is hell! :D
Cyanide300
03-22-07, 12:48 AM Houseguest and Bio-Dome? Oh man...this really is hell!
Yeah, well, ya know. You gotta put the fear in their hearts somehow. ;)
bartleby42
03-22-07, 01:58 AM Please take your seats

Don't forget to fasten your saftey belts. M'kay, now hold on as the restraining bar lowers. (creeEEEEAAAAKKK) There we are.

Pardon? Oh, no that isn't too tight.

Mmm hmm, the feeling in your legs will return, I'm almost postive of it, just pay it no mind.

Alright, so let's begin! First we shall be touring the first level of Hell, that's with a capital 'h' down here for those of you taking notes.

To you left is the the Bronze Citadel, where many an invasion from the abyss has been halted. And to your right is the pillar of sk- Yes? Oh, no they are supposed to be there.

Well, it is Hell. No Ma'am, I don't think your children should see this, but you brought them here.

I don't belive that would fit there, but we do have some lemures working on this problem as we speak, I'll arrange for you to help them in there studies after the tour.

Not at all Ma'am, it would be our pelasure.

Where was I, oh yes, the pillar of skulls, where our trophies from the Blood war are on full display, and we are nearing Tiamat who is both chained here and works as a gaurdian for our next stop, Dis.

It's a little warmer here. This has to do with the furn- No sir you cannot take off your coat.

*chuckle* Of course your allowed to, but nylon melts rather quickly. Oh, and we missed the Iron Tower, oh well, on to Minauros.

Oh buddy what's that smell, who did that? *forced laughter* That was a joke! I expect you to find humor in it, let's try it again.

Oh buddy what's that smell, who did that? *forced laughter* I'm just kidding, this entire layer is a god forsaken ceaspool! Much better.

If you hear some rattiling as we make our way to Phlegethos it's just the kytons from the City of Jangling Hiter, which is suspened from the layer of Dis.

Speaking of Hiter, that demor reminds me of a petitionor we have here, and what he does with pineapples is comp- Yes?

Could you please keep your personal comments to yourself Ma'am? I'm pretty sure that everyone here didn't pay to hear you speak, at length about your son.

I understand he is missing but you should have taken care of that before you came.

No I don't remember him coming on board, and anyway, you signed a waiver.

Now who's getting hot? That's because we are in the 4th layer, and the only place hotter in the multiverse is the plane of fire, and we have some agents working thier (makes finger quotes) "Damndest" on getting rid of the competition!

Since we've had sooo many questions we are going to have to go straight to Stygia the fith layer.

Now sir aren't you glad your 'wearing' your coat? Everyone else is shivering.

Don't be such a poor sport about it, medicine has gone a long way.

To our right is Tantlin the city of ice, many a glabrazuu calls this home, and to your right is Prince Levistus he might be in an ice cube but surely he'll melt your heart. *canned chuckle*

Now I must tell you friends, this tour is all downhill from here, (pause of 3 seconds) because we are at Malbolge the sixth layer! The endless cliffs and slopes that make falling in Gehenna look like a sleding. Sadly though all of the sites on this layer are underground so you will have to miss out on possibly meeting the hag countess.

And now for the layer that is the most fun, we are entering Maladomini, where those who flee our torments are taught that thier greatest mistake was to assume we forget them.
And we all know what happens when you assume right?

There is Malgard the city of Baalzebul, beautiful and if our operatives are succesful then more beautiful than anything you will see in Elyisium.

And the highlight of our tour Grenpoli, the one the only law school in Hell. This is lawers come from, and in fact where the fist lawers came from. You knew where they went, now you know where they are from.

The eighth layer, Cania and it's jewel Mephistar! You wouldn't imagine it but the original pyromaniac Mephistopheles makes his home here!

No sir, he was not in "Faust".

Yes, I know, they do sound alike.

It was his brother.

Now the home of the treasonous and the worst of the worst we have Nessus, We won't explore the chasms or pits that are in this place of darkness for who can know what will anger Asmodeus? And more imporantly who would dare?

So thank you, I hoped you enjoyed yourselves, be sure to take any lose articles you left on the platform, and any limbs that might have become unattached during your ride. Bye-Bye!

---How's that?
bartleby42
03-22-07, 01:58 AM Not my first double post! I feel empty inside....

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Narris 03-20-07, 03:53 PM	I plan to run a campaign involving tours of Hell on flying ships, so I'd like to see what people have to say on what a tour guide would say. <WayneTheGame> "And over here we see the palace of Asmodeus. You may remember him as being an Archduke of Hell..."
Yakman 03-20-07, 05:13 PM	I think the winner is Virgil from Dante's Inferno.
Cyanide300 03-20-07, 09:37 PM	"Please feel free to place your hands and arms outside the vehicle. If the devils are eating your arms they won't come after mine. In case of emergency, a prayer book and new underwear will drop from the cieling. Please assist children and the elderly with their underwear before tending to your own. In case of an emergency landing, calmly place your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye. Today we'll be playing a double feature for our in-flight movie. First will be House Guest, featuring Sinbad, followed by Biodome, featuring Poly Shore. The in-flight meal will be YOU. If you need anything, simply press the button above your head marked 'eject'. Now, please sit back, observe the no-smoldering sign, and enjoy your flight. Thank you for flying the burning skies."
TheDarkJester 03-21-07, 02:16 AM	I plan to run a campaign involving tours of Hell on flying ships, so I'd like to see what people have to say on what a tour guide would say. <WayneTheGame> "And over here we see the palace of Asmodeus. You may remember him as being an Archduke of Hell..." Why is it I see a giant ass fireball streaking thru the sky of Avernus smashing your flying ship harder than the Hindenburg? It's almost like having cruise ship's sail on the Styx... :D
rbingham2000 03-21-07, 02:49 PM	"Please feel free to place your hands and arms outside the vehicle. If the devils are eating your arms they won't come after mine. In case of emergency, a prayer book and new underwear will drop from the cieling. Please assist children and the elderly with their underwear before tending to your own. In case of an emergency landing, calmly place your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye. :rofl: Priceless. Today we'll be playing a double feature for our in-flight movie. First will be House Guest, featuring Sinbad, followed by Biodome, featuring Poly Shore. The in-flight meal will be YOU. If you need anything, simply press the button above your head marked 'eject'. Now, please sit back, observe the no-smoldering sign, and enjoy your flight. Thank you for flying the burning skies." Houseguest and Bio-Dome? Oh man...this really is hell! :D
Cyanide300 03-22-07, 12:48 AM	Houseguest and Bio-Dome? Oh man...this really is hell! Yeah, well, ya know. You gotta put the fear in their hearts somehow. ;)
bartleby42 03-22-07, 01:58 AM	Please take your seats Don't forget to fasten your saftey belts. M'kay, now hold on as the restraining bar lowers. (creeEEEEAAAAKKK) There we are. Pardon? Oh, no that isn't too tight. Mmm hmm, the feeling in your legs will return, I'm almost postive of it, just pay it no mind. Alright, so let's begin! First we shall be touring the first level of Hell, that's with a capital 'h' down here for those of you taking notes. To you left is the the Bronze Citadel, where many an invasion from the abyss has been halted. And to your right is the pillar of sk- Yes? Oh, no they are supposed to be there. Well, it is Hell. No Ma'am, I don't think your children should see this, but you brought them here. I don't belive that would fit there, but we do have some lemures working on this problem as we speak, I'll arrange for you to help them in there studies after the tour. Not at all Ma'am, it would be our pelasure. Where was I, oh yes, the pillar of skulls, where our trophies from the Blood war are on full display, and we are nearing Tiamat who is both chained here and works as a gaurdian for our next stop, Dis. It's a little warmer here. This has to do with the furn- No sir you cannot take off your coat. chuckle Of course your allowed to, but nylon melts rather quickly. Oh, and we missed the Iron Tower, oh well, on to Minauros. Oh buddy what's that smell, who did that? forced laughter That was a joke! I expect you to find humor in it, let's try it again. Oh buddy what's that smell, who did that? forced laughter I'm just kidding, this entire layer is a god forsaken ceaspool! Much better. If you hear some rattiling as we make our way to Phlegethos it's just the kytons from the City of Jangling Hiter, which is suspened from the layer of Dis. Speaking of Hiter, that demor reminds me of a petitionor we have here, and what he does with pineapples is comp- Yes? Could you please keep your personal comments to yourself Ma'am? I'm pretty sure that everyone here didn't pay to hear you speak, at length about your son. I understand he is missing but you should have taken care of that before you came. No I don't remember him coming on board, and anyway, you signed a waiver. Now who's getting hot? That's because we are in the 4th layer, and the only place hotter in the multiverse is the plane of fire, and we have some agents working thier (makes finger quotes) "Damndest" on getting rid of the competition! Since we've had sooo many questions we are going to have to go straight to Stygia the fith layer. Now sir aren't you glad your 'wearing' your coat? Everyone else is shivering. Don't be such a poor sport about it, medicine has gone a long way. To our right is Tantlin the city of ice, many a glabrazuu calls this home, and to your right is Prince Levistus he might be in an ice cube but surely he'll melt your heart. canned chuckle Now I must tell you friends, this tour is all downhill from here, (pause of 3 seconds) because we are at Malbolge the sixth layer! The endless cliffs and slopes that make falling in Gehenna look like a sleding. Sadly though all of the sites on this layer are underground so you will have to miss out on possibly meeting the hag countess. And now for the layer that is the most fun, we are entering Maladomini, where those who flee our torments are taught that thier greatest mistake was to assume we forget them. And we all know what happens when you assume right? There is Malgard the city of Baalzebul, beautiful and if our operatives are succesful then more beautiful than anything you will see in Elyisium. And the highlight of our tour Grenpoli, the one the only law school in Hell. This is lawers come from, and in fact where the fist lawers came from. You knew where they went, now you know where they are from. The eighth layer, Cania and it's jewel Mephistar! You wouldn't imagine it but the original pyromaniac Mephistopheles makes his home here! No sir, he was not in "Faust". Yes, I know, they do sound alike. It was his brother. Now the home of the treasonous and the worst of the worst we have Nessus, We won't explore the chasms or pits that are in this place of darkness for who can know what will anger Asmodeus? And more imporantly who would dare? So thank you, I hoped you enjoyed yourselves, be sure to take any lose articles you left on the platform, and any limbs that might have become unattached during your ride. Bye-Bye! ---How's that?
bartleby42 03-22-07, 01:58 AM	Not my first double post! I feel empty inside....