101 phrases for a sarcastic druid [Archive] - Wizards Community

101 phrases for a sarcastic druid [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Bezekira
12-09-06, 10:01 AM So, I'm creating a new character, a level 10 druid named Ianna. The time of playing is near and I have decided to play her rather sarcastic and a bit like a smartass, so to speak. So what better way to make her like this then having a list of 101 smartass comments? :P But I have the worst imagination ever...
So, please, give me what you got because I have nothing. :D

Thank you so much in advance :)
Trydan
12-09-06, 10:44 AM That plan wouldn't last as long as a may-fly
Is {name} talking again, or have I just dicovered the fifth wind direction?
Would you get a move on? I've seen oaks move faster than that!
A pity I can still understand you when in animal form.
The only reason why I tolerate you is because there is so much intelligence in the world. And we druids believe in maintaining the balance.

:D
Druid_of_the_storm
12-09-06, 01:28 PM How about I feed you to my cat and be done with ye!....what? i was kidding
(druids spend time in the woods too much to have good conversation skills)
Tacitus_Acheros
12-09-06, 09:54 PM In my travels with this group, I have discovered the mythical fifth element that makes up existence: stupidity.

Every day with you all makes me question the phrase "survival of the fittest."

Despite all the time I spend in animal form, I never had fleas until I camped with you guys.

In the best interest of your species, please don't breed.

Sometimes I have to ask myself: if a pack of predators attacked them, which side would I join?

I know of a plant that can cure him that we passed on our way here: the rare Moonshard vine, which grows only in glades touched by the spirits of nature. The vine's leaves emit a soft white light during the full moon, and when brewed as a tea exhibit incredible regenerative powers. When did I see it? When the fighter tore up a vine as he walked off the trail during a "rest stop."
JulesCARV
12-09-06, 11:46 PM I can't resist posting this passage from Ursula Vernon's LiveJournal (http://ursulav.livejournal.com/493772.html).

Many people have a very skewed vision of what druids do. They think we’re all little old men wearing white robes and oak leaves, carrying silver sickles to cut mistletoe on the longest day of the year, speaking the language of the animals, dispensing ancient wisdom ‘mongst the standing stones, and occasionally cutting loose and cramming people into a giant flammable wicker man.

This is true, so far as it goes. I do have a set of white robes for the longest day of the year. The other 364 days—well, when you’re spending eight hours on your knees ripping out bindweed, white robes are not the garment of choice, and while silver sickles are fine and good, most of the time what you need are pruning shears, or a machete.

I do not wear oak leaves. I have yanked up so many ******* oak seedlings—pin oak, black oak, water oak, thrush oak, the squirrels bury the acorns, the acorns sprout, and suddenly there’s hungry roots everywhere and perfectly decent plants who never had an unkind word for anybody are getting smothered under an ocean of ravenous oak—I cannot abide oak.

And the language of animals is not as interesting as you might think. Sure, the young druid is ecstatic when they finally master the delicate, fluttering language of the butterflies, right up until they learn that there is only one word in butterfly, which is “Pretty!”

“Pretty! Pretty! Pretty!”

This is their word for everything. Flowers, potential mates, themselves (especially themselves.) The trick is determining which one they’re talking about at any given time. Even then, they’re not great conversationalists.

Bees are exactly the opposite. Bees are caste-riddled and caste-conscious, and have more levels of respectful titles in one burrow than an entire Imperial shogunate. Ancestors help you if you address a third level supervisory administrative assistant in the mode suited to administrative third level assistant supervisors. Don’t run for the water. They’ll wait. Tall grass is a better bet.

Birds, on the other hand, don’t care how you address them. They’re delighted to talk to you, no matter what. All day. Every day.

Every twig that gets added to a nest or rejected is narrated. Every insect that passes their beak is recounted, in exhaustive detail. Every pulled worm will be discussed at great length and compared to every other worm the bird has ever encountered, as well as The Worm That Got Away.

You spend the first twenty years of your life learning to hear the language of the animals, and then you spend the next twenty trying to learn how to tune it out.

There is a standing stone somewhere in my forest. Eventually, I hope to cut back the kudzu enough to locate it.

That’s what I do most days. Forget dispensing ancient wisdom and listening to the music of the spheres and all that crap. Mostly, I weed.

Although if I ever find the guy who thought introducing kudzu was a good idea, I wouldn’t mind showing HIM the inside of a wicker man…
Adrez Nesnsid
03-03-07, 04:12 PM There's always the old pun about saving trees, (Which I shouldn't write out in full here because it has sexual connotations (even though, taken literally, its clean))...
Adrez Nesnsid
08-11-07, 11:33 AM :bump:
Fithero
08-11-07, 11:58 AM Id like to hear that pun about saving trees :P im always up for a good joke :P

And i loved that story you posted JulesCARV, very interesting and throws a great perspective on druids :P

Peace
Mooncalf
08-11-07, 04:39 PM Id like to hear that pun about saving trees :P im always up for a good joke :P

Peace

How about "Save the forest, eat a beaver"?
Fithero
08-11-07, 11:05 PM How about "Save the forest, eat a beaver"?

hehehe:rofl:
ArgulFraster
08-13-07, 05:17 PM I came up with one a while ago, it's a bit lame.

"Have a vine where the sun don't shine."

And here's another.

"Oh yes, eat the fruit. Don't bother checking if the tree has other ideas, or if it has plans. No, just go off and do whatever! Don't come crying to me when you get savaged."
razhan
08-14-07, 08:06 PM hey cleric, did you every think that you obbsession with healing and life is flawed, i mean arent you dealing with life forces and hence necromancy? and you say MY powers are witchery...
Fithero
08-14-07, 08:35 PM When the party is hunting-

"put the bunny, back, in the hole"

(:twocents: for whoever can guess what thats from :P)

"Hmm? What? Oh, bears? Yeah, really they're quite harmless. Just go over there and strike a threatning pose and he'll leave you alone. Yep, just over there... little further... a little more" *runs away*
hekate
08-14-07, 08:38 PM In my travels with this group, I have discovered the mythical fifth element that makes up existence: stupidity.

Every day with you all makes me question the phrase "survival of the fittest."

In the best interest of your species, please don't breed.

I know of a plant that can cure him that we passed on our way here: the rare Moonshard vine, which grows only in glades touched by the spirits of nature. The vine's leaves emit a soft white light during the full moon, and when brewed as a tea exhibit incredible regenerative powers. When did I see it? When the fighter tore up a vine as he walked off the trail during a "rest stop."

These are great! Bolded my favorite.

I'll try some, but the above are awesome!
With a cheerful smile, "You really like the sound of your own voice, don't you?"
annalivvie
08-17-07, 07:24 AM While speaking with an unsavory and/or very stupid animal, "It's funny...he is more charismatic and intelligent than you (sorcerer/bard/rogue party member name here)"

Other ideas for portraying your character:
1: Speak far more to your animal companion that your party, as it is obviously superior.
2. Careful playing the type of character your whole party will end up hating, you usually need them in the end. Oh wait! You're a druid. :) The one man party.
Mr_Seth
08-17-07, 12:14 PM Upon ANY of the party referring to an animal as "dumb", immediately burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Stretch it out as long as you can.
Orville_Oaksong
08-17-07, 03:01 PM First off, this is how I play most of my druids. I remember playing a smartass palidan once (within the boundries of his alignment, of course!)

Not all sarcasm or smartassery is particularly direct, in fact, the most effective sarcasm is very subtle. You want the other members of the party wondering whether or not you're being serious (to a certain extent).

Fighter Character: "We should climb that tree! I knew it was a good idea to buy those pitons!"

Druid: "Great idea! How about we kick some bunny rabbits on the way there?"

Fighter: "They got away! It looks like we need to track them down now!"

Druid: "We?" or "Sounds like a great plan, which way?" or "Sounds like you have some work to do!"

Unintelligent character of any sort: "Any ideas on how to calm that dragon?"

Druid: "You should dazzle it with your superior intelligence!"

Sometimes you can play this personality without even saying anything.

Monk (bragging about his fast movement ability): "Try to keep up!"

Druid's Out of game comment: "I use wild shape to become a light warhorse (speed 60. A human monk wearing no armor would not reach this speed until 9th level, and would not surpass it until 12th level)."

Just a few ideas, but when you get into character, I think there are certain responses and actions that will just come to you. Keep in mind the druids relationship with other classes and races (as noted on page 34 of the Player's Handbook)
Fatalis_902
08-18-07, 05:57 PM I can't resist posting this passage from Ursula Vernon's LiveJournal (http://ursulav.livejournal.com/493772.html).

Dude, that was made of win.
Fithero
08-18-07, 07:21 PM Upon ANY of the party referring to an animal as "dumb", immediately burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Stretch it out as long as you can.

hehe, thats a good one

"Wadda mean i cant bring my bear inside?!?! He's cleaner than him!" *points to fighter*

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Bezekira 12-09-06, 10:01 AM	So, I'm creating a new character, a level 10 druid named Ianna. The time of playing is near and I have decided to play her rather sarcastic and a bit like a smartass, so to speak. So what better way to make her like this then having a list of 101 smartass comments? :P But I have the worst imagination ever... So, please, give me what you got because I have nothing. :D Thank you so much in advance :)
Trydan 12-09-06, 10:44 AM	That plan wouldn't last as long as a may-fly Is {name} talking again, or have I just dicovered the fifth wind direction? Would you get a move on? I've seen oaks move faster than that! A pity I can still understand you when in animal form. The only reason why I tolerate you is because there is so much intelligence in the world. And we druids believe in maintaining the balance. :D
Druid_of_the_storm 12-09-06, 01:28 PM	How about I feed you to my cat and be done with ye!....what? i was kidding (druids spend time in the woods too much to have good conversation skills)
Tacitus_Acheros 12-09-06, 09:54 PM	In my travels with this group, I have discovered the mythical fifth element that makes up existence: stupidity. Every day with you all makes me question the phrase "survival of the fittest." Despite all the time I spend in animal form, I never had fleas until I camped with you guys. In the best interest of your species, please don't breed. Sometimes I have to ask myself: if a pack of predators attacked them, which side would I join? I know of a plant that can cure him that we passed on our way here: the rare Moonshard vine, which grows only in glades touched by the spirits of nature. The vine's leaves emit a soft white light during the full moon, and when brewed as a tea exhibit incredible regenerative powers. When did I see it? When the fighter tore up a vine as he walked off the trail during a "rest stop."
JulesCARV 12-09-06, 11:46 PM	I can't resist posting this passage from Ursula Vernon's LiveJournal (http://ursulav.livejournal.com/493772.html). Many people have a very skewed vision of what druids do. They think we’re all little old men wearing white robes and oak leaves, carrying silver sickles to cut mistletoe on the longest day of the year, speaking the language of the animals, dispensing ancient wisdom ‘mongst the standing stones, and occasionally cutting loose and cramming people into a giant flammable wicker man. This is true, so far as it goes. I do have a set of white robes for the longest day of the year. The other 364 days—well, when you’re spending eight hours on your knees ripping out bindweed, white robes are not the garment of choice, and while silver sickles are fine and good, most of the time what you need are pruning shears, or a machete. I do not wear oak leaves. I have yanked up so many ******* oak seedlings—pin oak, black oak, water oak, thrush oak, the squirrels bury the acorns, the acorns sprout, and suddenly there’s hungry roots everywhere and perfectly decent plants who never had an unkind word for anybody are getting smothered under an ocean of ravenous oak—I cannot abide oak. And the language of animals is not as interesting as you might think. Sure, the young druid is ecstatic when they finally master the delicate, fluttering language of the butterflies, right up until they learn that there is only one word in butterfly, which is “Pretty!” “Pretty! Pretty! Pretty!” This is their word for everything. Flowers, potential mates, themselves (especially themselves.) The trick is determining which one they’re talking about at any given time. Even then, they’re not great conversationalists. Bees are exactly the opposite. Bees are caste-riddled and caste-conscious, and have more levels of respectful titles in one burrow than an entire Imperial shogunate. Ancestors help you if you address a third level supervisory administrative assistant in the mode suited to administrative third level assistant supervisors. Don’t run for the water. They’ll wait. Tall grass is a better bet. Birds, on the other hand, don’t care how you address them. They’re delighted to talk to you, no matter what. All day. Every day. Every twig that gets added to a nest or rejected is narrated. Every insect that passes their beak is recounted, in exhaustive detail. Every pulled worm will be discussed at great length and compared to every other worm the bird has ever encountered, as well as The Worm That Got Away. You spend the first twenty years of your life learning to hear the language of the animals, and then you spend the next twenty trying to learn how to tune it out. There is a standing stone somewhere in my forest. Eventually, I hope to cut back the kudzu enough to locate it. That’s what I do most days. Forget dispensing ancient wisdom and listening to the music of the spheres and all that crap. Mostly, I weed. Although if I ever find the guy who thought introducing kudzu was a good idea, I wouldn’t mind showing HIM the inside of a wicker man…
Adrez Nesnsid 03-03-07, 04:12 PM	There's always the old pun about saving trees, (Which I shouldn't write out in full here because it has sexual connotations (even though, taken literally, its clean))...
Adrez Nesnsid 08-11-07, 11:33 AM	:bump:
Fithero 08-11-07, 11:58 AM	Id like to hear that pun about saving trees :P im always up for a good joke :P And i loved that story you posted JulesCARV, very interesting and throws a great perspective on druids :P Peace
Mooncalf 08-11-07, 04:39 PM	Id like to hear that pun about saving trees :P im always up for a good joke :P Peace How about "Save the forest, eat a beaver"?
Fithero 08-11-07, 11:05 PM	How about "Save the forest, eat a beaver"? hehehe:rofl:
ArgulFraster 08-13-07, 05:17 PM	I came up with one a while ago, it's a bit lame. "Have a vine where the sun don't shine." And here's another. "Oh yes, eat the fruit. Don't bother checking if the tree has other ideas, or if it has plans. No, just go off and do whatever! Don't come crying to me when you get savaged."
razhan 08-14-07, 08:06 PM	hey cleric, did you every think that you obbsession with healing and life is flawed, i mean arent you dealing with life forces and hence necromancy? and you say MY powers are witchery...
Fithero 08-14-07, 08:35 PM	When the party is hunting- "put the bunny, back, in the hole" (:twocents: for whoever can guess what thats from :P) "Hmm? What? Oh, bears? Yeah, really they're quite harmless. Just go over there and strike a threatning pose and he'll leave you alone. Yep, just over there... little further... a little more" runs away
hekate 08-14-07, 08:38 PM	In my travels with this group, I have discovered the mythical fifth element that makes up existence: stupidity. Every day with you all makes me question the phrase "survival of the fittest." In the best interest of your species, please don't breed. I know of a plant that can cure him that we passed on our way here: the rare Moonshard vine, which grows only in glades touched by the spirits of nature. The vine's leaves emit a soft white light during the full moon, and when brewed as a tea exhibit incredible regenerative powers. When did I see it? When the fighter tore up a vine as he walked off the trail during a "rest stop." These are great! Bolded my favorite. I'll try some, but the above are awesome! With a cheerful smile, "You really like the sound of your own voice, don't you?"
annalivvie 08-17-07, 07:24 AM	While speaking with an unsavory and/or very stupid animal, "It's funny...he is more charismatic and intelligent than you (sorcerer/bard/rogue party member name here)" Other ideas for portraying your character: 1: Speak far more to your animal companion that your party, as it is obviously superior. 2. Careful playing the type of character your whole party will end up hating, you usually need them in the end. Oh wait! You're a druid. :) The one man party.
Mr_Seth 08-17-07, 12:14 PM	Upon ANY of the party referring to an animal as "dumb", immediately burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Stretch it out as long as you can.
Orville_Oaksong 08-17-07, 03:01 PM	First off, this is how I play most of my druids. I remember playing a smartass palidan once (within the boundries of his alignment, of course!) Not all sarcasm or smartassery is particularly direct, in fact, the most effective sarcasm is very subtle. You want the other members of the party wondering whether or not you're being serious (to a certain extent). Fighter Character: "We should climb that tree! I knew it was a good idea to buy those pitons!" Druid: "Great idea! How about we kick some bunny rabbits on the way there?" Fighter: "They got away! It looks like we need to track them down now!" Druid: "We?" or "Sounds like a great plan, which way?" or "Sounds like you have some work to do!" Unintelligent character of any sort: "Any ideas on how to calm that dragon?" Druid: "You should dazzle it with your superior intelligence!" Sometimes you can play this personality without even saying anything. Monk (bragging about his fast movement ability): "Try to keep up!" Druid's Out of game comment: "I use wild shape to become a light warhorse (speed 60. A human monk wearing no armor would not reach this speed until 9th level, and would not surpass it until 12th level)." Just a few ideas, but when you get into character, I think there are certain responses and actions that will just come to you. Keep in mind the druids relationship with other classes and races (as noted on page 34 of the Player's Handbook)
Fatalis_902 08-18-07, 05:57 PM	I can't resist posting this passage from Ursula Vernon's LiveJournal (http://ursulav.livejournal.com/493772.html). Dude, that was made of win.
Fithero 08-18-07, 07:21 PM	Upon ANY of the party referring to an animal as "dumb", immediately burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Stretch it out as long as you can. hehe, thats a good one "Wadda mean i cant bring my bear inside?!?! He's cleaner than him!" points to fighter