Abandoned Angel? [Archive] - Wizards Community

Abandoned Angel? [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Origin
09-17-05, 01:28 PM From reading the Psicrystal Turned Character (good job with that!), it made me want to really go into my new character's storyline in depth. Here is his journal (I begin playing at the end).

I am an angel that was abandoned on the material realm at birth, but being an angel and all, I gained power so quickly and unhumanly, everyone thought I was Satan himself. Growing to love the peacefulness of life in the forest, I leveled into a self-sustaining class (ranger).

After I had found a cat for the first time ever, the little guy made me so happy with his purring noise. I decided to keep him, and I named her Kitten. Something happened inside me. I gained the ability to shift into a cat at will. I was confused, but I kept with it, and after a few years, I could go from a cat to a tiger.

Then, I was found by a bunch of what I now know as humans. I was asleep in my tiger shape, and they tried to kill me.. I didn't know what to do, so I swiped at one of them.. red stuff instantly ran down his side, and he slumped over the log I was sleeping on. The other few had an expression on their faces that I'll never forget. They ran away from me, and I pondered what had happened. (at this time I was level 15)

I went into my normal form, and sniffed out their chosen path. I went into a place, bustling with all sorts of life. The humans were going around, carrying baskets full of fruits and veggies, and lots of cows and chickens were all coped up. I can't stand anyone that does such to any type of nature, so I set them free. Some people came up to me and I saw their mouth moving, and I heard jibblish babble, and then they attacked me. I decided I would stop them the way I stopped the other person, and I once again saw red ooze billow from their head's.

One of them ran, but I honestly swear that it teleported between the shadows. I went into a secluded spot and came out as a human like form again, but that didn't help because they all saw what I looked like. So I followed it, pinned him to the ground, and I suddenly felt a strange feeling.. all of the sudden I could understand what he was saying. (tongues ability) I said to teach me the ways of teleportation, and he said yes.

I didn't have much trust for him, but he kept his end of the deal. After a year, I could jump between the shadows, but he died of old age.. after giving him a final tribute of nature, I went to my old home. It was all burned.. I decided I would exact death to anyone harming the beauty of nature I met. I had considerable power at this time, and I could speak to anyone using my tongues ability. I decided to name myself after my favored animal of the forests, the lynx.

My name is Lynxx Silverthorne.
I am an angel abandoned at birth.
And I exact retribution to those that harm nature.

So, can anyone contribute any specific parts of the story line?? Flesh out some questions, I'll answer :)
Ashianyl
09-18-05, 02:37 AM You probably need to give a reason why your angel was abandoned in the first place and how he stays abandoned.

The forces of heaven / celestia would definitely not leave one of their own abandoned for long... not when heaven can instruct their clergy to locate the missing child.

Also, the presence of such goodness and power would not go unnoticed. Greedy powerful mages would undoubtedly want you as an experimental creature. Devils would want to corrupt you.

just some thoughts... :)
Ravenfeather
09-18-05, 03:57 PM Problem is that we know very little to get started with. Here are some technical things that would be helpful:

What game exactly is the character for? Remember that this is a D20 forum, I will assume that it is a D&D character but it is still unclrear for which campaign world.
What kind of angel is he? Does he belong to a specific deity?
At one point you mention your character was level 15. Does that mean effective or character level? What is your total effective level at all?
Assuming that you actually want to play this character it would also be helpful to know what your DM said about the compaign and what you know about the other players characters. D&D is a team game ;) A character incompatible with a group is useless.
Being a shadowdancer is something on the edge for good creatures. The shadows you may summon are evil and the plain oof shadows is not seldom somehow connected to the evil. In the Forgotten Realms it is Shar's domain for example.

Now to the story contents:

You start with your birth which is fine - even though most game worlds assume angels are created of worthy sould, maybe soon after death, maybe after staying in heaven for hundreds of millenia. In D&D most angels seem to have a sex, thus it is alright to assume they can have children. But a little detailing on that part would be nice. How did an abandoned newborn survive?
You don't describe the looks of yourself. In fact, other than using first person there is very little that proves self awareness in this story.
How did you find the cat and where?
How can you understand complex concepts such as ranger and even classes? What does you char understand in a class?
How can you be a relatively powerful ranger that seems to have survived for so long without any social contact and not understand the very concepts of life and death or not know what blood is?
Why were the human hunters suprised that a tiger would fight back?
You went into a city using your normal form. Probably naked. You didn't draw much attention until you were addressed and then attacked for no particular reason... could you explain that a little in detail?
Well, I wouldn't use the word teleport, since that implies an understanding in magic. Anyways, why did you follow the shadowdancer and why did he teach you.
Why didn't you understand the men talking to you? Tongues should be always active.
How did you get the name? Espicially when your surename implies understanding in the concept of monarchy?
Retribution is not an inherently good thing to do. Guarding, protecting and caring is. You are an inheritly good being... there should be some part of the story that proves your goodness.
The first thing I would do is try to find out where he learned his stuff from and what he knows and what not. And I strongly recommend that he does understand live and death, combat, good and bad and quite a lot ethic concepts beyond that, cities or at least a basic understanding of settlements of sentient beings, the existance of magic, and his being alien and at least a vague understanding of what he is.

About the style:
You're describing a long time span. You address no-one. And in which situation your character would think about this is not mentioned. Why do you use first person? In this special case of a really alien character it might be easier to find a good story in third person. This does not mean that you couldn't describe the characters thoughts, feelings and state of mind.

Also you should not try to think in game terms, classes, abilities feats... most things you write seem to be connected to those. A story shouldn't be an excuse for abilities but something above this.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Origin 09-17-05, 01:28 PM	From reading the Psicrystal Turned Character (good job with that!), it made me want to really go into my new character's storyline in depth. Here is his journal (I begin playing at the end). I am an angel that was abandoned on the material realm at birth, but being an angel and all, I gained power so quickly and unhumanly, everyone thought I was Satan himself. Growing to love the peacefulness of life in the forest, I leveled into a self-sustaining class (ranger). After I had found a cat for the first time ever, the little guy made me so happy with his purring noise. I decided to keep him, and I named her Kitten. Something happened inside me. I gained the ability to shift into a cat at will. I was confused, but I kept with it, and after a few years, I could go from a cat to a tiger. Then, I was found by a bunch of what I now know as humans. I was asleep in my tiger shape, and they tried to kill me.. I didn't know what to do, so I swiped at one of them.. red stuff instantly ran down his side, and he slumped over the log I was sleeping on. The other few had an expression on their faces that I'll never forget. They ran away from me, and I pondered what had happened. (at this time I was level 15) I went into my normal form, and sniffed out their chosen path. I went into a place, bustling with all sorts of life. The humans were going around, carrying baskets full of fruits and veggies, and lots of cows and chickens were all coped up. I can't stand anyone that does such to any type of nature, so I set them free. Some people came up to me and I saw their mouth moving, and I heard jibblish babble, and then they attacked me. I decided I would stop them the way I stopped the other person, and I once again saw red ooze billow from their head's. One of them ran, but I honestly swear that it teleported between the shadows. I went into a secluded spot and came out as a human like form again, but that didn't help because they all saw what I looked like. So I followed it, pinned him to the ground, and I suddenly felt a strange feeling.. all of the sudden I could understand what he was saying. (tongues ability) I said to teach me the ways of teleportation, and he said yes. I didn't have much trust for him, but he kept his end of the deal. After a year, I could jump between the shadows, but he died of old age.. after giving him a final tribute of nature, I went to my old home. It was all burned.. I decided I would exact death to anyone harming the beauty of nature I met. I had considerable power at this time, and I could speak to anyone using my tongues ability. I decided to name myself after my favored animal of the forests, the lynx. My name is Lynxx Silverthorne. I am an angel abandoned at birth. And I exact retribution to those that harm nature. So, can anyone contribute any specific parts of the story line?? Flesh out some questions, I'll answer :)
Ashianyl 09-18-05, 02:37 AM	You probably need to give a reason why your angel was abandoned in the first place and how he stays abandoned. The forces of heaven / celestia would definitely not leave one of their own abandoned for long... not when heaven can instruct their clergy to locate the missing child. Also, the presence of such goodness and power would not go unnoticed. Greedy powerful mages would undoubtedly want you as an experimental creature. Devils would want to corrupt you. just some thoughts... :)
Ravenfeather 09-18-05, 03:57 PM	Problem is that we know very little to get started with. Here are some technical things that would be helpful: What game exactly is the character for? Remember that this is a D20 forum, I will assume that it is a D&D character but it is still unclrear for which campaign world. What kind of angel is he? Does he belong to a specific deity? At one point you mention your character was level 15. Does that mean effective or character level? What is your total effective level at all? Assuming that you actually want to play this character it would also be helpful to know what your DM said about the compaign and what you know about the other players characters. D&D is a team game ;) A character incompatible with a group is useless. Being a shadowdancer is something on the edge for good creatures. The shadows you may summon are evil and the plain oof shadows is not seldom somehow connected to the evil. In the Forgotten Realms it is Shar's domain for example. Now to the story contents: You start with your birth which is fine - even though most game worlds assume angels are created of worthy sould, maybe soon after death, maybe after staying in heaven for hundreds of millenia. In D&D most angels seem to have a sex, thus it is alright to assume they can have children. But a little detailing on that part would be nice. How did an abandoned newborn survive? You don't describe the looks of yourself. In fact, other than using first person there is very little that proves self awareness in this story. How did you find the cat and where? How can you understand complex concepts such as ranger and even classes? What does you char understand in a class? How can you be a relatively powerful ranger that seems to have survived for so long without any social contact and not understand the very concepts of life and death or not know what blood is? Why were the human hunters suprised that a tiger would fight back? You went into a city using your normal form. Probably naked. You didn't draw much attention until you were addressed and then attacked for no particular reason... could you explain that a little in detail? Well, I wouldn't use the word teleport, since that implies an understanding in magic. Anyways, why did you follow the shadowdancer and why did he teach you. Why didn't you understand the men talking to you? Tongues should be always active. How did you get the name? Espicially when your surename implies understanding in the concept of monarchy? Retribution is not an inherently good thing to do. Guarding, protecting and caring is. You are an inheritly good being... there should be some part of the story that proves your goodness. The first thing I would do is try to find out where he learned his stuff from and what he knows and what not. And I strongly recommend that he does understand live and death, combat, good and bad and quite a lot ethic concepts beyond that, cities or at least a basic understanding of settlements of sentient beings, the existance of magic, and his being alien and at least a vague understanding of what he is. About the style: You're describing a long time span. You address no-one. And in which situation your character would think about this is not mentioned. Why do you use first person? In this special case of a really alien character it might be easier to find a good story in third person. This does not mean that you couldn't describe the characters thoughts, feelings and state of mind. Also you should not try to think in game terms, classes, abilities feats... most things you write seem to be connected to those. A story shouldn't be an excuse for abilities but something above this.