Agog I [PEACH] [Archive] - Wizards Community

Agog I [PEACH] [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Frylord
03-14-06, 09:55 PM I am posting the background of my kobold fighter 1/ Mohrg 1 Agog I, my first character.
And without further ado, I will present it.

They still remark that on the day I was born, a terrible storm that destroyed an entire village wreaked across the land. I was born a reasonably normal little kobold, but the clan elders of Dragonspark saw I had a lust for power and a great destiny. Why? I mastered every skill a kobold is supposed to master, and many more, all in the space of a single day. They gave me a choice of weapons to choose from for training. Mace? I don't think so. Too slow. Crossbow? Nah, I prefered that if I had to fight, to fight melee. Great Maul? I couldn't even pick the thing up! Finally we got the rapier. I found it was weighted just right. I trained in using the rapier. I became a "Dragonspark warrior". Otherwise, my childhood was uneventful. Early one day, I returned from my daily training. My daily training started with several streches, then I would test how fast I could stab a dummy. Then, I would search for items that I could possibly use as weapons, in case I lost my rapier. Then I would test them. When I came from my training,the entire clan's village was a smoking hole. A gnome popped up from behind a rock. "Vile kobold! Our new Kobold-Blaster machine has blown apart your entire tribe! You were the nearest tribe, so we thought, why not test our new machine on that Dragonspark tribe?" Rage took over me, and I slaughtered the gnome. I eliminated the entire gnome force of 3 that tested the Kobold-Blaster and drove my rapier into the foul machine. Since I had nothing left to lose, I tried to kill myself, but right before I slashed my own throat I saw a vision. It was of a gnome dressed in fancy-looking robes. The gnome was giving out orders to everything else around him, and they all said "Yes, Supreme Ruler." When the vision faded I realised that the world needs to have good leaders, not the gnome in my vision, and at the moment it had none. Also, the artifical barriers of morality that clouded my vision cleared, and I saw what others could not see. I saw myself ruling the world. Why would I be a good leader? Well obviously, because I would purge the gnomes and any other races that defied the kobolds! I would also have the kobolds be the master race! After seeing that vision, I decided to just wait for the right opportunity and work on my plot.

I waited a long time, wandering around, passing the time by reading anything I found. I found I could've been better suited as a wizard, but I decided not to be one because it seems people are usually not as fanatically loyal to someone who uses magic. I still prefer martial prowess anyway. I waited 84 years, watching, and waiting and rethinking schemes. None of the adventurers suited me anyway. I finally found kindred spirits in a human monk and an elven ranger. We all wandered to the town of Lionshire to stock up on supplies.

As we got to the town of Lionshire, an idea formulated in my mind. If we destroyed the town, no one would be able to tell of our vile deeds. We went to the inn and rested. After we woke up before dawn and got our equipment, (apparently someone slipped cursed briefs of flautulence into my wardrobe) we went down on the ground floor. We decided to have some fun. I whacked a drunk with a beer mug, thankfully, I didn't get any blood on my armor, so there would be no proof of the crime of assault on me. The monk threw the drunk into the latirene. The monk also threw the bartender in latriene. We then set the latirene on fire. As their was noone awake, I stole the bartenders life savings. When it was daylight, I walked out of the inn and went towards the mayors house. I bribed the guards to let me in. Fortunatly, they were greedy guards. When I got to the mayor, he tried to arrest me. Fortunatly, I'm good at lieing. When I had got some distance between me and the mayor, I threw a torch at him. It landed in his mouth, setting him on fire. I fought a little with the guards, but I decided I wanted my limbs intact so I jumped out the window. It hurt, but I was still strong enough to bribe the greedy guards again to stop the other guards. It seems the greedy guards didn't know their life was in danger. The guards who helped the mayor pushed the greedy guards over and chased me. Meanwhile, our party's ranger had hit a switch on the town's fountain, orginally used to pump water from an underground river into the fountain in times of drought, and when he hit it, the fountain started to flood. Me, the monk, and the ranger, we rushed out the burning, flooding, town. I hid in the trees until somehow the monk and the ranger burst into the forest. We had a short battle, and killed all the guards and left the burning flooding town of Lionshire behind us. For the sake of not being reconized, we went our different ways. The entire reason for the destruction of the town was to not be recongized by anyone, because we were planning for more crimes.

I went to Azakronth City, it being the largest city around. I wanted to join the army, so I asked to get in. They let me in, the catch was, since I was a non-human, I had to fight in the gladiatoral pits and kill three gladiators. I killed the first one easily. The second killed me, and I spent about a year in blackness. When I arose, it was night, and I discovered I had transformed into a mass murdering undead Mohrg. I looked a little like a skeleton covered in worms. I decided to go on with my plans for world domination, but I decided to hide my undead status.

Look good? I haven't been playing D&D much anymore, because my DM seems to not like unbeatable games anymore. :weep: Oh yeah, and I repeat, please PEACH. EDIT: For the Briefs, the DM wanted some comedy, and I edited it a little. The gnome fight, Agog got lucky at it.
Shaggy_Shaggs
03-14-06, 10:13 PM I think :rant: ...

Wait, you asked for PEACH, not PEAR.

:thinks:

I think this could use a lot more detail, explanation of the more out-there stuff (a 1st level kobold is lucky to kill ants, killing a whole group of gnomes with a doomsday weapon is rather farfetched, possibly even more so than bribing the guards to fight the other guards), and less metagame reference (class names, a short but direct quote from Libris Mortis (the ghoul relation to morhg sections, iirc))...

Seems like it may have been an interesting story when it happened, but the retelling seems very rushed and haphazard.
WhrenKehrsyn
03-14-06, 10:38 PM Well, its an unusual story and it has potential. Mostly you leave alot of questions though. Reading over I get the feeling you just want to be done with it and get to the end.

What did you do that made the elders see you had a lust for power?

Why did they think you had a special destiny (I think this is because of the storm, but elaborate)?

Why did you not like the weapons you were offered?

Why did you become a fighter (if possible try to think of a different name, ie. <clan name> Battledragon, or something that doesnt feel so much like youre telling us, 'I took this class.') and how does it relate to your destiny?

Where was this daily training (obviously not in your village) and what did it consist of?

Did your clan have previous conflict with the gnomes? Why would they destroy your village (Im assuming youre not level one and that the afore mentioned training is where you got the other levels)?

What made you suddenly go from thinking about suicide to considering the worlds leadership difficulties (this is a very sudden and strange realization that doesnt appear to have any relation to anything else, especially the current situation) and why did you think you would be a good one?

You decided to wait for the right opportunity to rule the world, but how exactly did you plan to go about doing this?

If you were better suited for the path of a wizard why did you decide not to study magic (magic has alot more potential for solo world domination than a rapier does)?

Im sure you didnt sit in the shade under a tree for 84 years until these adventurers stumbled onto you, so what did you do in that time (a good time to refine the taking over the world scheme) and how did you meet the adventurers?

Why did you guys go to Lionshire? And what did you plan on doing there?

What vile deeds had you done that people would identify you for (that really threw me off, theres no mention of any vile deeds at all prior to this comment)?

Briefs of Flatulence?

From the previous portions of the text you dont seem terribly adept at social interaction so how were you able to so easily bribe the guards and talk down the mayor (I imagine its very difficult to talk down a man when youre a kobold, with blood on your clothing [yes, beating up people, which you just did in the bar, involves some blood letting] in his house)?

Youve got past the guards, mained thier lord and employer and they are able to be bribed again (I think at this point not only thier careers, but possibly thier lives may be in jeapordy)?

The town has a switch that floods it? Why?

So after you did all this your group disbanded, so the entire reason you went to this city was to beat up a drunk and a bartender and maim the cities mayor?

How did what you did in the city relate in any way, shape, or form to your goals of world domination (I guess what Im asking in this one is, what was the point of this whole thing)?

Im not sure what a Mohrg is, maybe instead of the creature name tell us what exactly you became.

This is a very broad and very generalized story, which makes it confusing. Details are important. You dont have to give a novel quality story or anything, but when you tell us about events try to think why, and if you can answer it then it should turn out ok.

Im sorry if this comes off as very harsh, but you did ask for us to critique, which means critisize. Hopefully all this is constructive, I dont mean it any other way, but constructive critisism is how we imporve things.
Frylord
03-16-06, 07:13 PM :bump:
Fithero
03-17-06, 12:51 AM Frylord, WhrenKehrsyn just gave you a ton of questions which would help you flesh out you character, which would in turn make him more interesting and playable.

And all you do is *bump* the damn topic?

Come on man, it would have take WhrenKehrsyn ages to write out all those questions, at least answer the man in politness... if not to help your own character.

Later
Shaggy_Shaggs
03-17-06, 01:39 AM I'm forming the opinion here that Frylord doesn't actually care to write a background. He seems to prefer to do a very rough outline and then have others write it for him. And I still suspect Agog 2 is Pun-Pun in disguise. :P
WhrenKehrsyn
03-17-06, 11:30 AM He bumped it because he edited his origional post to reflect some of the things we told him.

Frylord, try to use the bump post to tell us you made changes so well know, we may not reread the origional post without knowing changes were made to it. I havent read the edits yet but Ill comment when I do.
Frylord
03-17-06, 03:42 PM Opps, sorry. When I do more edits, I'll tell you guys.
WhrenKehrsyn
03-17-06, 07:08 PM You may want to consider rewriting it from scratch. The new parts seem like asides, and for the most part forced, which hurts the narrative.

The gnomes explanation of why they were attacking the village was awkward. People dont talk like that (well some bad guys in movies do, but not real people). You dont have to have the gnome say it to give us the information, 'I recognized the gnomes as ones who lived near my tribe. I didnt know why they were attacking us but maybe we were just the closest tribe to them.'

Incidentally, you burned down and flooded the city so people wouldnt recognize you when you comminted more, worse crimes later. But your group disbanded immediatelly after, so you wont be able to do those crimes.

My best advice is to start agian, from the beginning. Keep the details in mind when you do it. When you write an event ask yourself why, how, and when. Try to answer those questions, in character.
Frylord
03-17-06, 08:21 PM Ok, thanks!
Need_A_Life
03-18-06, 09:19 AM Okay...

Why did your character want to enroll in an army after having made an attempt at world domination (assuming that the attack on the mayor was to seize control?)

Could you find some other word than Kobold-Blaster? Something like describing the gnomes holding a mysterious artifact and having it hit a few of your friends with a killing beam wouldn't be that unreasonable.

That first creature you fought better not have been a Sarrukh (letting you familiarize yourself with it), because then there's no way you could lose to a Morhg(sp?)*

* Basically a skeleton-psycho. It's the ideal random encounter, thinking just about the following "KILL-KILL-DIE!" at any given moment.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Frylord 03-14-06, 09:55 PM	I am posting the background of my kobold fighter 1/ Mohrg 1 Agog I, my first character. And without further ado, I will present it. They still remark that on the day I was born, a terrible storm that destroyed an entire village wreaked across the land. I was born a reasonably normal little kobold, but the clan elders of Dragonspark saw I had a lust for power and a great destiny. Why? I mastered every skill a kobold is supposed to master, and many more, all in the space of a single day. They gave me a choice of weapons to choose from for training. Mace? I don't think so. Too slow. Crossbow? Nah, I prefered that if I had to fight, to fight melee. Great Maul? I couldn't even pick the thing up! Finally we got the rapier. I found it was weighted just right. I trained in using the rapier. I became a "Dragonspark warrior". Otherwise, my childhood was uneventful. Early one day, I returned from my daily training. My daily training started with several streches, then I would test how fast I could stab a dummy. Then, I would search for items that I could possibly use as weapons, in case I lost my rapier. Then I would test them. When I came from my training,the entire clan's village was a smoking hole. A gnome popped up from behind a rock. "Vile kobold! Our new Kobold-Blaster machine has blown apart your entire tribe! You were the nearest tribe, so we thought, why not test our new machine on that Dragonspark tribe?" Rage took over me, and I slaughtered the gnome. I eliminated the entire gnome force of 3 that tested the Kobold-Blaster and drove my rapier into the foul machine. Since I had nothing left to lose, I tried to kill myself, but right before I slashed my own throat I saw a vision. It was of a gnome dressed in fancy-looking robes. The gnome was giving out orders to everything else around him, and they all said "Yes, Supreme Ruler." When the vision faded I realised that the world needs to have good leaders, not the gnome in my vision, and at the moment it had none. Also, the artifical barriers of morality that clouded my vision cleared, and I saw what others could not see. I saw myself ruling the world. Why would I be a good leader? Well obviously, because I would purge the gnomes and any other races that defied the kobolds! I would also have the kobolds be the master race! After seeing that vision, I decided to just wait for the right opportunity and work on my plot. I waited a long time, wandering around, passing the time by reading anything I found. I found I could've been better suited as a wizard, but I decided not to be one because it seems people are usually not as fanatically loyal to someone who uses magic. I still prefer martial prowess anyway. I waited 84 years, watching, and waiting and rethinking schemes. None of the adventurers suited me anyway. I finally found kindred spirits in a human monk and an elven ranger. We all wandered to the town of Lionshire to stock up on supplies. As we got to the town of Lionshire, an idea formulated in my mind. If we destroyed the town, no one would be able to tell of our vile deeds. We went to the inn and rested. After we woke up before dawn and got our equipment, (apparently someone slipped cursed briefs of flautulence into my wardrobe) we went down on the ground floor. We decided to have some fun. I whacked a drunk with a beer mug, thankfully, I didn't get any blood on my armor, so there would be no proof of the crime of assault on me. The monk threw the drunk into the latirene. The monk also threw the bartender in latriene. We then set the latirene on fire. As their was noone awake, I stole the bartenders life savings. When it was daylight, I walked out of the inn and went towards the mayors house. I bribed the guards to let me in. Fortunatly, they were greedy guards. When I got to the mayor, he tried to arrest me. Fortunatly, I'm good at lieing. When I had got some distance between me and the mayor, I threw a torch at him. It landed in his mouth, setting him on fire. I fought a little with the guards, but I decided I wanted my limbs intact so I jumped out the window. It hurt, but I was still strong enough to bribe the greedy guards again to stop the other guards. It seems the greedy guards didn't know their life was in danger. The guards who helped the mayor pushed the greedy guards over and chased me. Meanwhile, our party's ranger had hit a switch on the town's fountain, orginally used to pump water from an underground river into the fountain in times of drought, and when he hit it, the fountain started to flood. Me, the monk, and the ranger, we rushed out the burning, flooding, town. I hid in the trees until somehow the monk and the ranger burst into the forest. We had a short battle, and killed all the guards and left the burning flooding town of Lionshire behind us. For the sake of not being reconized, we went our different ways. The entire reason for the destruction of the town was to not be recongized by anyone, because we were planning for more crimes. I went to Azakronth City, it being the largest city around. I wanted to join the army, so I asked to get in. They let me in, the catch was, since I was a non-human, I had to fight in the gladiatoral pits and kill three gladiators. I killed the first one easily. The second killed me, and I spent about a year in blackness. When I arose, it was night, and I discovered I had transformed into a mass murdering undead Mohrg. I looked a little like a skeleton covered in worms. I decided to go on with my plans for world domination, but I decided to hide my undead status. Look good? I haven't been playing D&D much anymore, because my DM seems to not like unbeatable games anymore. :weep: Oh yeah, and I repeat, please PEACH. EDIT: For the Briefs, the DM wanted some comedy, and I edited it a little. The gnome fight, Agog got lucky at it.
Shaggy_Shaggs 03-14-06, 10:13 PM	I think :rant: ... Wait, you asked for PEACH, not PEAR. :thinks: I think this could use a lot more detail, explanation of the more out-there stuff (a 1st level kobold is lucky to kill ants, killing a whole group of gnomes with a doomsday weapon is rather farfetched, possibly even more so than bribing the guards to fight the other guards), and less metagame reference (class names, a short but direct quote from Libris Mortis (the ghoul relation to morhg sections, iirc))... Seems like it may have been an interesting story when it happened, but the retelling seems very rushed and haphazard.
WhrenKehrsyn 03-14-06, 10:38 PM	Well, its an unusual story and it has potential. Mostly you leave alot of questions though. Reading over I get the feeling you just want to be done with it and get to the end. What did you do that made the elders see you had a lust for power? Why did they think you had a special destiny (I think this is because of the storm, but elaborate)? Why did you not like the weapons you were offered? Why did you become a fighter (if possible try to think of a different name, ie. <clan name> Battledragon, or something that doesnt feel so much like youre telling us, 'I took this class.') and how does it relate to your destiny? Where was this daily training (obviously not in your village) and what did it consist of? Did your clan have previous conflict with the gnomes? Why would they destroy your village (Im assuming youre not level one and that the afore mentioned training is where you got the other levels)? What made you suddenly go from thinking about suicide to considering the worlds leadership difficulties (this is a very sudden and strange realization that doesnt appear to have any relation to anything else, especially the current situation) and why did you think you would be a good one? You decided to wait for the right opportunity to rule the world, but how exactly did you plan to go about doing this? If you were better suited for the path of a wizard why did you decide not to study magic (magic has alot more potential for solo world domination than a rapier does)? Im sure you didnt sit in the shade under a tree for 84 years until these adventurers stumbled onto you, so what did you do in that time (a good time to refine the taking over the world scheme) and how did you meet the adventurers? Why did you guys go to Lionshire? And what did you plan on doing there? What vile deeds had you done that people would identify you for (that really threw me off, theres no mention of any vile deeds at all prior to this comment)? Briefs of Flatulence? From the previous portions of the text you dont seem terribly adept at social interaction so how were you able to so easily bribe the guards and talk down the mayor (I imagine its very difficult to talk down a man when youre a kobold, with blood on your clothing [yes, beating up people, which you just did in the bar, involves some blood letting] in his house)? Youve got past the guards, mained thier lord and employer and they are able to be bribed again (I think at this point not only thier careers, but possibly thier lives may be in jeapordy)? The town has a switch that floods it? Why? So after you did all this your group disbanded, so the entire reason you went to this city was to beat up a drunk and a bartender and maim the cities mayor? How did what you did in the city relate in any way, shape, or form to your goals of world domination (I guess what Im asking in this one is, what was the point of this whole thing)? Im not sure what a Mohrg is, maybe instead of the creature name tell us what exactly you became. This is a very broad and very generalized story, which makes it confusing. Details are important. You dont have to give a novel quality story or anything, but when you tell us about events try to think why, and if you can answer it then it should turn out ok. Im sorry if this comes off as very harsh, but you did ask for us to critique, which means critisize. Hopefully all this is constructive, I dont mean it any other way, but constructive critisism is how we imporve things.
Frylord 03-16-06, 07:13 PM	:bump:
Fithero 03-17-06, 12:51 AM	Frylord, WhrenKehrsyn just gave you a ton of questions which would help you flesh out you character, which would in turn make him more interesting and playable. And all you do is bump the damn topic? Come on man, it would have take WhrenKehrsyn ages to write out all those questions, at least answer the man in politness... if not to help your own character. Later
Shaggy_Shaggs 03-17-06, 01:39 AM	I'm forming the opinion here that Frylord doesn't actually care to write a background. He seems to prefer to do a very rough outline and then have others write it for him. And I still suspect Agog 2 is Pun-Pun in disguise. :P
WhrenKehrsyn 03-17-06, 11:30 AM	He bumped it because he edited his origional post to reflect some of the things we told him. Frylord, try to use the bump post to tell us you made changes so well know, we may not reread the origional post without knowing changes were made to it. I havent read the edits yet but Ill comment when I do.
Frylord 03-17-06, 03:42 PM	Opps, sorry. When I do more edits, I'll tell you guys.
WhrenKehrsyn 03-17-06, 07:08 PM	You may want to consider rewriting it from scratch. The new parts seem like asides, and for the most part forced, which hurts the narrative. The gnomes explanation of why they were attacking the village was awkward. People dont talk like that (well some bad guys in movies do, but not real people). You dont have to have the gnome say it to give us the information, 'I recognized the gnomes as ones who lived near my tribe. I didnt know why they were attacking us but maybe we were just the closest tribe to them.' Incidentally, you burned down and flooded the city so people wouldnt recognize you when you comminted more, worse crimes later. But your group disbanded immediatelly after, so you wont be able to do those crimes. My best advice is to start agian, from the beginning. Keep the details in mind when you do it. When you write an event ask yourself why, how, and when. Try to answer those questions, in character.
Frylord 03-17-06, 08:21 PM	Ok, thanks!
Need_A_Life 03-18-06, 09:19 AM	Okay... Why did your character want to enroll in an army after having made an attempt at world domination (assuming that the attack on the mayor was to seize control?) Could you find some other word than Kobold-Blaster? Something like describing the gnomes holding a mysterious artifact and having it hit a few of your friends with a killing beam wouldn't be that unreasonable. That first creature you fought better not have been a Sarrukh (letting you familiarize yourself with it), because then there's no way you could lose to a Morhg(sp?)* * Basically a skeleton-psycho. It's the ideal random encounter, thinking just about the following "KILL-KILL-DIE!" at any given moment.