Post/Author/DateTime	Post
saihenjin 11-21-06, 02:30 PM	I'm going to be DMing a campaign, and will be NPCing the fighter of the party. I was going to make him comic relief. In order to do so I was going to give him semi-tourette's syndrome. Basically, I need 100 random phrases you would expect to hear from a human fighter in various situations (in battle, in town, at the bar, whatever). I'll be making a d% chart, and rolling out his first statement in any conversation that he is not the initiator for. So, go! :D
Otogi 11-21-06, 06:59 PM	Well, I'm not really that good at humourus things, but I'll try; 1) (Battlecry) Turn the other cheek! 2) Pfft. Elves are just dumb axe-swinging morons who's greatest god is some midget with a hammer!...Oh wait! 3) You know, durring this monoluge, we could have just had a few mugs and work this out peacefully. 4) Ahh, the chainmail bikini...the people who use it have just as much intellegence as the armor provides protection 5) Yes, I have family...probably! 6) I could tell he was insane when he cast a spell and noting happened...for like an hour. 7) Protection? Of course I got protection, I'm waring a full plate! 8) I'm Agloran Nezfatellion, Biotch! 9) You ever think that people make dungeons just to get robbed? 10) Is Iam-aa-paennzeih really the word to activate the sword?
Doomed_Penguin 11-21-06, 10:50 PM	11) I'M DRUNK AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!! 12) Can I have sex with it? (my favorite question when playing 20 Questions) 13) Oh! Sword, right! 14) Is there something on my back? 15) It touched me! The holy symbol touched me! I DON'T WANNA BE A CLERIC!!! *starts crying hysterically* 16) But the skeleton guy said the sword wasn't cursed! 17) Work it baby... I told you taking that monkey grip feat would come in handy... hehehe... *** in handy... 18) Girls... Booze... Girls... Booze... IT'S LIKE SOPHIES CHOICE!!! 19) What number comes after 6? 20) Dude... what if armor, like, wore us? Whoa...
TheAnthroDM 11-22-06, 12:11 AM	21) Well at least you're not a half-orc!
TheChilliGod 11-22-06, 02:04 AM	22: "Do we get bath towels with that?" 23: "Praise the Chilli God!" (Oh, I am so sorry, did I say that? :cool: ) 24: "Hold on, Mom's calling me. N'ello? Urgh, for the last time, Mummy, I'm a big girl now! I don't need you breathing down my neck anymore! 'K, bye! Jeez, mothers." *Tsk* 25: "I lost my head! It was a goblin one, about yeigh big, I swore I had it a minute ago!" 26: "I say, jolly good show. Eh, what? Care for a spot of tea? Delightful." 27: "Mmnnnnyyeeeeeeaaaaaassss?" 28: "Lets give it a good shake and see what falls out!" 29: "We will leave no crevasse untouched!" 30: "DRAINK!" 31: "But I'm too awesome for mathematics! I do one third the work of you two put together!" 32: "Potatoes!"
simply_idiot 11-22-06, 02:11 AM	33)...so then I says to Mabel, I says, "That's no Half-Orc! That's my wife!" 34) I know they call them fingers, but do they ever fing? Oh, wait... there they go. 35) Would a Half-Orc/Halfling offspring be a Quarter-Orcling? 36) Why DID the chicken cross the road? 37) Anybody seen (halfling in the party's name) in a while? 38) I Detect Evil. 39) (to the current NPC of interest) I told you time and time again! Stop giving me those eyes. I didn't love you then and I don't love you now. 40) (to himself, most likely a whisper) Poor Porkins. why did you have to try to go all the way? 41) Do YOU have a lovely bunch of coconuts? Deedleedee!
Illithid00 11-22-06, 02:54 AM	42. Taste my sword! (said while brandishing mug of ale) 43. Ummm.... 44. (drunken muttering) 45. Ah, the elves...worshipping a god with only one eye....wait, that's wrong... King
simply_idiot 11-22-06, 03:01 AM	46) (during a plot twist) Dun Dun DUUUNNNN! 47) A function that maps an n-tuple of binary values -(x1, x2, ..., xn), where xi = 0 or 1 for all i -to another binary value (either 0 or 1). There are clearly 2^(2n) possible Boolean functions that can defined for a given n-tuple. 48) HELP ME JEBUS! 49) (to the NPC of interest) Do you know that you have a very large nose? 50) (to the party after being given a quest) If I die horribly, you guys will resurrect me... right?
saihenjin 11-22-06, 04:32 AM	hah. I love some of these. Also, don't bother telling me the situation where it would be used in is. It'll be completely random anyways.. "What do you want to drink?" "Damn orcs make me barf." "Uh... I don't think that's a drink offered... "Oh, sorry about that. I'm a tad insane that's all. I'll have a pint of bitter."
Kitaki 11-22-06, 07:53 AM	56) Yer kneecaps are gonna make a great soup. 57) SPOON!
Mr. VanderMeer 11-22-06, 11:11 AM	58) The eyes, Boo Go for the eyes!! 59) Buttkicking for goodness!! (Both aren't mine) (P.s. I wouldn't do it, DM'ing and NPC'ing an annoying Fighter at the same time. I fear your players will be sick of it very, very soon)
Dharan_Aelorothi 11-22-06, 01:09 PM	60) KILLER CRANBERRIES! 61) DENTAL FLOSS! 62) "they call him Doctor Feel Good, he's the one that makes yah feel alright!" 63) FOR THE ROUND TABLE! 64) Ok, it's time to kick names and take ass! Er, take ass and kick names? No, no, that's not right... 65) *after #64* Awright folks, I got things to see and people to do! DAMN! 66) I can't think of any more random phrases... The first 2 aren't mine, they're from a home movie my friends made before I moved here... my friend Robert, who played a small Puerto Rican kid with an afro, Tourette's, and Narcolepsy... THAT was hilarious... COTTON CANDY! *immediately falls asleep*
simply_idiot 11-24-06, 02:28 AM	67) Ok. Ok. Important question! Pie... or cake? 68) How come when you let your food and drink sit out, your food cets cold and your drink gets warm? 69) (to the NPC of interest) I'd do 'er.
Gilganarz_the_reporter 11-24-06, 04:22 AM	70) It has just occured to me that most of these buildings lack a fourth wall... Not really mine, but still good.
Tacitus_Acheros 11-24-06, 12:20 PM	Guess we're at 71? Well here's a few inspired by everyone's favorite robot. 71) Bite my shiny armored ass. 72) Oooh! <manic giggles> Here comes violence! 73) <sigh> Well, I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. 74) (at a character's comment) <slightly sarcastic laughter> Oh wait, you were serious. Let me laugh harder than. <louder, harsher sarcastic laughter> 75) Well, you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil, and when I say devil, I mean archdevil, and when I say metaphorically, I mean get a scroll of Plane Shift. 76) (upon learning of a plot that threatens to destroy the world) This may be the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! 77) (at another character's death) Who will make waffles just the way (fighter's name) likes them!?!?! Some inspired by the Zinwrath movies. 78) (charging with battleaxe) Arcanite Reaper, hoooooooooo!!! 79) I only wore that dress once! (quietly to self) It made me feel sexy… 80) (encumbered by armor) I should’ve worn a dress. And the obligatory 8-Bit Theater references. 81) I solve my problems through violence. 82) I like (weapons of choice). 83) What? I’m a Fighter. I really do like (weapons of choice).
SageBahamut 11-26-06, 02:45 PM	84) *charging into battle with greataxe held high* "SNEAK ATTACK" ..."Dude, you're not a Rogue." "Oh." 85) A stabbity doom awaits you all! 86) I did good, right? Now I get my beer... right? 87) Hey, guys, watch this! 88) Elves? Aren't they the fuzzy evil kitties with the backwards hands and... oh, no... 89) Dude, it's called a mind flayer! I'm totally safe. :) 90) Sword sword sword... swordy sword sword... 91) Duct tape, duct tape, duct tape... (The more he acts like Deadpool, the creepier he becomes...)
simply_idiot 11-29-06, 02:57 AM	92) Blah blah blah blah... (some time later) blah blah blah! I successfully said "blah" four-hundred times in a row! 93) Blah blah blah blah... (some time later) blah blah ball! NOOO!! I have to start all over! Blah blah blah blah... 94) COBRA!!! 95) Man! I wish this was Oregon Trail! I totally would have started out as a banker. 96) Sir... are you SURE that you really need that jewel, or are you making something up because we are low leveled and want us to fight some ankhegs? 97) (shiny eyed) I killed three goblins today! 98) When in doubt, don't pout, shout, or eat fish and get ghout. Just whip it out! 99) (someone starts talking behind him) THE VOICES! WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?! 100) (after killing a grotesque monster) BARBEQUE!
aleshandre 11-29-06, 07:26 PM	101) I like to eat strawberries on bricks. The bricks are sweet and the strawberries are crunchy. 102) I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!! 103) Egads Brain, another good one...wait, no, the input has to be an exact integral multiple of the output or it will be all...wobble wobble, not hypnotic at all, nope won't work. 104) POIT!! 105) ZORT!! 106) NARF!!
ShotgunSaint 11-29-06, 10:37 PM	107.) Thank you for flying church of Kord, cake or death? 108.) Tea and cake or death! 109.) Danger could be my middle name, but it's not, it's... John. Special thanks to Eddie Izzard, who is solely responsible for everything funny I said for a good 3 years.
AMGriffin 11-30-06, 12:10 AM	110.) Not without your fingers you aren't! 111.) You're pretty uppity for someone about to get hit by a flying tree. 112.) *When nobody is near him at all* WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING ME! 113.) OOOOH BILLLLLLAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!! 114.) Shut up and touch the monkey!!!!! 115.) These pants are tingly! 116.) I like swords. (of course) 117.) If you stop picking that would heal right up ya know. 118.) And then I light a candle...and it turns out that it was an ogre with no teeth!
Khurgan 12-01-06, 09:19 AM	119. Say Hello to my little frien'! 120. Time to kick ass and chew gum, and I'm all outta gum! 121. You talkin' to me or chewing a brick? Either way you gonna lose your teeth. 122. Please don't beat me again mother. I'll be good. 123. Eh? 124. What time is it? 125. Where am I? 126. What's that smell? 127. Do I know you? 128. Enough talk! (then he punches someone) 129. shutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUP!! (when it goes quiet) Was it something I said?!?! 130. (Faux Austrian Accent) I need your clothes, your boots and your horse and tackle. 131. *giggle* that's when the priest said yes 132. Excuse me, is this the way to Mrs. Miggins' pie shoppe? It is? (turns around and goes other way). 133. Shush! Can't you hear them......? No. Me neither! 134. FECK! 135. I mean, how was I to know it was my sister, eh? 136. Oooh! I had a bag! (looks around wildly) 137. No. Not this time. 138. Sorry, what was the question? 139. 42! I read it somewhere. 140. Did we kill the wizard in the end?
Khurgan 12-01-06, 09:20 AM	P.S. When you've finished - please place the table on here we DMs can inflict a curse on one of our players for the fun of it!
Nightwalk 12-01-06, 09:40 AM	141. War is awful, but it sounds awesome
HorusTheHeretic 12-03-06, 07:36 PM	58) The eyes, Boo Go for the eyes!! 59) Buttkicking for goodness!! (Both aren't mine) Minsc and Boo... Good times...
HorusTheHeretic 12-03-06, 07:39 PM	142. Face the wrath of Senor Vorpal Kickasso!
the_taken 12-05-06, 05:22 PM	143: Time for some serious stabination. In the FACE! 144: Normaly at this point we'd charge each other in some climactic sword fight. But I bought a new axe yesterday. 145: Skeletons? Liches? Vampires? Oh it's hammer time. 146: The wizard may cast a spell that might tear your soul from your body. But when my scyth cleaves through your body, you will cross the veil.
the_great_mighty_nerd 12-05-06, 09:25 PM	147. "You're a kneebiter Dent" 148. "Enough is enough. I have had it with these mothaf*ckin' snakes on this mothaf*ckin' plane!!"
aleshandre 12-05-06, 09:33 PM	149: Sometimes you just have to spit into the fan to see where the loogie lands. 150: Wait, what part of you're an idiot don't you understand?
the_great_mighty_nerd 12-05-06, 09:39 PM	151. *suddenly bursting out in song* I can't seem to face up to the facts\I'm tense and nervous and I Can't relax\I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire\Don't touch me I'm a real live wire Psycho Killer\Qu'est-ce que c'est\fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa\better Run run run run run run run away!!!!
Kitaki 12-06-06, 07:50 AM	152. *Breaks out into some song from a Broadway musical*
Radijs 12-06-06, 09:14 AM	153: BORN TO RUNE! Or was it Born to eat big dinners? 154: BURSAR!
the_taken 12-06-06, 01:44 PM	155: Fighter, fighter fighter fighter, ter-fight fight, fighter fighter ter-fighter... FIGHTER!!!!! (flash of blinding light) DEFENDER!!! (Moradin evolved into a Dwarven Defender!)
TroubleWolf 12-06-06, 04:20 PM	156: ARGH! Does anybody have a Potion of Making Farts Not Stink? 157: Wow, that was a huge turd. Thank the gods I had enough toilet paper. Oh, and here's your scroll case back... 158: I don't shut up, I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up! BLEH! 159: Hold on, I'm gonna stick this pointy metal thingy into that guy's fleshy bits. 160: HOLD STILL! I CAN'T HIT YOU WHEN YOU MOVE AROUND! 161: Time out! Ow! Not fair! You have to stop biting me when I say Time Out! 162: I have a brilliant plan! Let's set something on fire as a distraction. Where's the local orphanage?
Alpha_Moose 12-06-06, 08:22 PM	155: Fighter, fighter fighter fighter, ter-fight fight, fighter fighter ter-fighter... FIGHTER!!!!! (flash of blinding light) DEFENDER!!! (Moradin evolved into a Dwarven Defender!) :heehee :rofl: :clap: :w00t: :ayyyy!: :rofl: and other such emoticons.
Kitaki 12-07-06, 09:14 PM	*point at something* "We can use it for soup!"
roninwolf109 12-27-06, 02:05 AM	obligitory Invader Zim quote: "Time to rain some DOOM down upon the FITHY HEADS of our DOOMED enemies!"
CapnBone 12-28-06, 03:26 AM	Good line for a Paladin tired of people expecting him to do the "right" but clearly suicidal thing. 164. I'm lawful GOOD, not lawful STUPID. Good line for a Rogue, just after a successful Sleight of Hand (but not unless he plans never to meet the victim ever again) 165. YOINK! Good line for a dying bard (from The Bard, himself) 166. Oh! I die! Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arm 'gainst a SEA of misfortune. Aye! There's the rub! I sleep! I sleep, perchance to dream. <pretty much any Shakespearean quote works well for a dying bard!) Good line to relieve tension and break the ice with, say, a Red Dragon hunting you for the expensive 100' tall golden statue that you and your party stole earlier. 167. OH! Yes, I'm sorry, I must admit we took it because we didn't know it was yours. I have it here .. <fumble around pockets> .. oh dear, I seem to have left it in my other pants. Don't worry, it's quite safe there.
darksyngr 12-28-06, 11:14 PM	168. I didn't say that it ws your fault, but i am gunna blame you anyways. 169. this isn't war... this is pest control 170. He didn't administer a reign of terror, just the occasional light shower. 171. People always travel faster when somebody's chasing them. 172. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. 173. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 174. lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. 175. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.