Post/Author/DateTime	Post
madpiper 08-02-05, 02:03 PM	Since all these forums are really, are a type of creating writing, which I love and I have popped a few times to offer my opinion. Here is my attempt for a character that I played a while ago. I thought I would offer this up and see what the wide boards think. Also I just for fun, it should be fairly obvious, lets see if you can figure his prestige class or not. You can here the wax dripping on to the floor and the scratching of quill on parchment. The room is a mixture of aromas, from the sickly sweet smell of incense to the comforting stench of burning sulfur. The lone figure is bent close over his paper cluttered desk. Pale sharp features are barely made out in flickering warm glow of the single candle. Movement becomes the loudest sound and glowing red eyes peek out from the swallowing dark. “Food?” “Not now, I am studying.” “Food. . . now!” “Blitzstrum, I am studying, if you are hungry then go, hunt the way you use to0o do, now leave me be!!!” “You. Food. Now!!!” The mage stops writing in mid-sentence. He sits and thinks for a second, “when was the last time I ate?” The lone figure puts down his quill and moves to the unseen door. “You are right Blitzstrum, it is time to eat.” He steps out in to a well lit hall way with what appears to be a blue lizard of some kind on his shoulder. He is dressed in dark blue well cut robe that is belted tight to him with a thick leather belt. His hair is black, cut short and constrast starkly with his pale sking. He pauses a moment as if to make a decision, then turns right heading north out of his room. “Morning, Lt. Mage of the Salvo,” says a young guard respectfully. “Morning, Private, how are your lass?” “Good sir, out for a stroll before exercises?” “No, actually, breakfast, I think I have not eaten in two or three days because of study and Blitzstrum insists that I eat. “ “Good friend you got there sir.” “I would have to agree, I will see you later Private.” With a sharp salute, “Thank you sir” and off the young guard goes of to finish his rounds. After a descent of several flights of stairs and a couple of long hallways the mage makes his way into the kitchen. After a meal of Bread, cheese and fruit, he heads off toward the marshalling field for morning exercises. He walks his way through many gardens to the barracks and marshalling fields. He makes his way to the Master Chief who has a group of new recruits before him. He is a stout dwarf with a voice that is louder than he is tall. “Hello, Master Trainer, is there anything I need to help with today.” “Hello,Lieutenant Rael, why yes your help would be most appreciated. These youngsters here think that they are the best soliders in the world. In fact they think that they are so good, that they did not clean three of the weapons they are responsible for last night and when I asked them what were they going to do if we were attacked and their equipment failed me, they told me they could take on anything. I think, they need to go through some field maneuvers. “ “How would you like to me to assist you?” “Well, I want it to be fair so I guess it will be you versus them?” One of the new recruits pipes up, “Sir, how is that fair, at least let him have some of us on…” before he could finish his sentence Rael slightly lifts his eyebrow and the lizard that was on the wizards shoulder leaps off straight at the cadet. Upon contact on his armor and bolt of electricity arcs from the lizard to throughout the armor and therefore the cadet, and almost as quickly as he landed the lizard leaps back to the wizard. The cadet lets out a small groan as he falls unconscious to the ground. "It is disrespectful to argue with an officer. Rockhammer due recruits not have any disicipline these days?" The dwarf utters a string of curses and turns a very violent shade of red. Some of the recruits shudder at the thought of what is going to happen to them, the others, well, they will find out. “So, does anyone else want to speak out of turn? No? Good. Since you all obviously know more than me and you want it to be fair, I am going to do the worst thing possible and give you want you want, Lieutenant you may pick the time and location." Rael simply smiles and says, “The gorge, sunrise.” Rael turns away and heads toward his room. To study and sleep. Rael arrives 2 hours before dawn. There is only one way to enter the gorge. It is a narrow entrance at the south end. The walls are high and smooth with some imperfections and cracks; they also dome over to almost touching to form a roof. At the entrance the mage takes some rocks and places them in a certain manner and cast a spell over them. He repeats this several times. When he is satisfied he cast a couple of spells on himself to give him an advantage. He enchants himself with flight, armor, shielding and reflecting arrows and repel metal. As he finishes his last enchantment the sound of solders marching hit his elven ears. His lizard chirps in excitement, knowing the game that is about to begin. An explosion happens and yells of surprise and terror ring out through the gorge. The explosion is repeated and the elf patiently waits. He lifts off the ground so the jagged rocks will not impede his mobility. He readies some spells to the front of his mind, in preparation that some actually are able to make it to him. Eventually, of the 20 cadets, 2 hobble up to the mage, raised hands in surrender. “We surrender sir,” says the young half-elf in a voice of resignation. “Good, lets go and see how your comrades faired,” says the elf in a peaceful tone. The elf mutters a simple chant and disk that floats above the rocks appears. The mage gestures that the two survivors should hop on. Once the order is followed the mage flies of into the entrance of the gorge. After a few fast seconds they come across the entrance of the gorge. Webs cover the entire entrance along with some flaming walls, all set in the manner to entrap as many of the group as possible. The elf laughs to him self at seeing how well his web spells and illusions worked out for him. With a wave of his hand, the webs and walls disappear and the "would be" army falls to the ground. From the back the elf can hear the heavy metal shod footsteps of the Dwarvin Master Trainer. “Why am I not surprised?” grumbles the Dwarf. “Two did manage to actually get to me, I must be slipping,” replies the Elven Mage. “Naw, they were ones who set off the traps for the others, they were just fast that is all. When they realized what had happen they were tripping over themselves frantic and scared. Hell, I would have been too. Sometimes, elf, you scare me.” They picked up their routed cadets and made them march back to the castle while the dwarf sat on the floating disk talking to the mage. “How much longer to make the full transition?” “Soon, I think, I feel more and more in-tune with the elemental plane of electricity every day.” “Does his Highness know of your plans?” “He does not and I would prefer if he did not. He will not honor the pact I made with his grand-father, when we finally settled here Rockhammer.” “Truly, this grand-son is less of a man than his father and I thought he was as yellow as humans come. I will agree to your wishes, but one more question. What will happen after all the transition is complete?” “I will go and hunt down, Rael Uth’Namore, Scourge of the living, Lich of the Frozen Forrest, and my twin brother. It is time for him to pay for his sins.
Trydan 08-02-05, 02:39 PM	Nice! I like your style of writing. If you are interested, here are a few comments. Pale sharp features are barely made out in flickering warm glow of the single candle. Angular features are dramatically highlighted in the dim lit room. The sound of movement becomes the loudest sound and glowing red eyes peek out from the swallowing dark.Unless you are specifically trying to emphasise a word, repeating some words unecessarily draws attention to them, and makes it sound awkward. In the above section, consider "features" and "sound". Grab a thesaurus for alternatives when you get into this situation. “Good, friend you got there sir.”Er... is that comma right? “Does his Highness know of your plans?” “He does not and I would prefer if he did not.This is the best line (or two) of the piece. I can really see the expression on the faces at this point. Perhaps it is the lead-up text that really prepares the mind, but these two lines congeal it in my mind. Great stuff.
madpiper 08-02-05, 02:50 PM	Thank you, I really like this character and enjoyed playing him. One day I hope I will be able too.
Rallaster 08-03-05, 02:29 AM	I liked the dialogue, however the descriptions were... dry in comparison. Repetative words, as Trydan pointed out, really take away from the emotion of your writing. The paragraph regarding the encounter in the gorge was a bit confusing. He was at the beginning casting some spells, and then there are explosions and two cadets walk up. It could had been developed a little better. Overall, I liked it, good job. The only major turnoff were the grammatical mistakes. I'm a real nitpicker when it comes to grammar :teach:. Edit: Elemental Savant (Air).
madpiper 08-03-05, 09:49 AM	It is tragic that my grasp of written grammar is so awful. Ah well, I see what you mean by redundancy. I was trying to with hold information about the main character for a bit longer than necessary. So "Figure" becomes an abused step-child. Sigh, and i thought I had a decent peace. Well, off to more editing. Oh and how is the descrption boring and lame. What specificly do you not like. Part of peer editing is specifics. I want to improve show me where, I may disagree, but if you do it in a honest manner then I will, at least, listen and consider. Finally, the casting of spells and then waiting was down played on purpose. It is not the point of the piece but an interesting side note. This wasn't a challenge for him it was a lesson for the recruits. As far as game mechanics go, I have no clue about how it would work out or if it is mechanicly possible, i just thought it was an interesting background and means to show you the type of life the character was living at that time. Also, thank you for the correction of lightning to air but my question is this, aren't there spells that involve "air" I considered it a paraelement that was choosable, sigh, this is what happens when you stop at the start of 3.5 i guess.