Critique my backstory please! [Archive] - Wizards Community

Critique my backstory please! [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Riplox
04-22-07, 03:14 AM My DM is requesting that I have a complete backstory for my character, so I came up with one. Now all I need is for someone to look over it and tell me if there's anything they think needs reworking or elaboration. I also used a character generator to help me explain his physical features as I was too lazy and uninspired to do it myself (go figure :rolleyes: ).

Backstory

Marcus Jorghemm

This man reminds you of a sturdy tree. He has narrow piercing azure eyes and thick, straight, shoulder-length blond hair worn in an uncomplicated style. He is tall and has a broad-shouldered build. His skin is light-colored, has a strong chin, and large hands. His wardrobe is practical, and is mostly black and gray.

History
Born to human parents Torvald and Larine Jorghemm, Marcus grew up in a large farming village near the outskirts of the kingdom of Duleon. Captivated by the art of war at a young age, he sought training from his elders, but they refused. Eventually, he finds a mentor to school him in the art of combat, and sneaks away from the village to train. Years pass and he has left his trainer to enlist in Duleon's elite strike force. During a mission, while the group was encamped near the foot of a great mountain, an evil wizard's minions attacked and decimated Marcus's comrades. They captured him and took him back to their master's fortress. There, he was transformed into a minotaur, an additional slave of the wizard's army.

Born to human parents Torvald and Larine Jorghemm, Marcus grew up in a large farming village near the outskirts of the kingdom of Duleon. He was gifted with a naturally strong and resilient build and at the age of thirteen, he was helping the community as much as any man, clearing the surrounding woods for farm-land and tending to his families' crops and animals among other things.

Captivated by the art of war at a young age, he sought training from many of the now-retired royal guardsmen in the village. Each had their own opinion on his request, but all had the same answer. They refused to train him, and this led Marcus to disregard his elders' words to continue his current way of life. Over the course of a year, he collected information on martial adepts from all walks of life, using the merchants that passed through the town as messengers and deliverymen, trying to find someone to help him. He received one response in all that time and he stole a ride on the next merchant train to come through the town to meet his new mentor. At age 20, he completed his training, and had become a member of an elite strike group funded by the king's army. However, even with his extensive training, he could not have prepared for what was to happen next.

The group had made camp for the night at the foot of a mountain, readying their equipment for the next day's assault on a large occult encampment only a few hours march away. A heavy mist quickly rolled in and the group became suspicious as the night had been warm and dry with not even a hint of a cloud in the night sky. Large figures appeared from the mist and began to lay waste to the camp smashing anyone and everything in their path. Many of the men were killed where they sat and a few were smashed as they grabbed for their weapons. Marcus was lucky (or so he thought) as the creatures seemed to totally ignore his presence. This gave him an opportunity to grab his weapon and shield to try and combat the hulking beasts. His efforts were in vain as his axe glanced off their hides with no effect.

A beast charged him and in one swift motion, grabbed him by the waist and picked him straight off the ground, hardly showing any effort. Thinking quickly, Marcus jammed the pointed axe handle into the creature's eye. It released it's vice-like grip and clutched the wound, roaring in pain, allowing him to get away. Moments later, another beast charged from the mist, and smashed it huge fist into him, knocking him completely unconscious. It hefted his limp body across it's shoulder and then disappeared into the mist as quickly as it had come.

Marcus awoke in a strange chamber the likes of which he had never seen. Dark crystals grew from the rock walls and small orbs of light floated high overhead near the ceiling illuminating the room. As he became more aware of his surroundings, he realized he was bound with bands of energy snaking from the giant granite pedestal on which he lay naked. He struggled against the bonds attempting to break free, but his efforts were of no use. A thin cloaked figure entered the room, wreathed in darkness even the light in the room would not penetrate.

"You look fitting enough." the figure whispered.

"Where the hell am I, and what are you going to do with me?" demanded Marcus.

It never answered as it spread it's arms and dark energy sprang forth, creating 4 identical likenesses of itself, all centered around the pedestal. They began to chant in demonic tongues and the energy began to flow into Marcus. He writhed on the pedestal as the it burned its way into his body and moments later, the chanting stopped and the energy flow subsided. Marcus began to feel his body become very heavy, and within a few minutes, he passed out.

This ceremony turns Marcus into a minotaur (partially) and suppresses his current memory allowing for the mage that made it to use Marcus as his slave/bodyguard. The mage gives Marcus a new name - Hrothgar (yes I know it's from Beowulf). A few years pass and he has been able to regain a small portion of his old memory which eventually drives him to escape to return to his home.

This is where the background for my character ended and I began playing.
Nall_The_Azure_Guardian
04-22-07, 04:24 AM It seems fine to me

you can even mabye work the "bad wizard" in as an NPC or a villain if your DM likes (probably why he wanted a backstory)

the only real problem I have is that what I'm assuming is the half-miniature template is a flask of something
why not just a spell, it feels more permanent that way
is there an antidote?
can he be polymorphed back? and does he want to return to "normal"?
Fithero
04-22-07, 07:14 AM I agree with Nall_The_Azure_Guardian, its all good apart from the transmutation process. Change that and it would be pretty sweet.

Perhaps Marcus and a bull were both killed simultaniously (spelling?) then raised together... or something along those lines.

Liquid from a flask doesnt make any sort of impact.

Peace
Riplox
04-22-07, 12:24 PM Actually, my character HAS been polymorphed back. We managed to find a scroll and got our local wizard to cast it on him, so now he's reverted back to his original self (or as close as he could get with the spell). And yes, you're right. A liquid doesn't make much sense now that I think about it.

EDIT: Ok. I changed it.
Westbound
04-22-07, 12:43 PM What you have here is more of a narrative than a background. The first portion of your story, about where Marcus got his training, is his background. The rest is something you should save for the DM, and is one thing you could tell your party should the subject ever come up.

A background is an explanation for your character's training, powers, family circumstances, relationships, reason for being in the party (if you want), why he has a particular item, etc.

Transforming into a minotaur is interesting, but you don't have to go into the details. What you could've said was this:

While the strike group camped near the foot of a great mountain, an evil wizard's minions attacked and decimated Marcus's comrades. They captured him and took him back to their master's fortress. There, he was transformed into a minotaur, an additional slave of the wizard's army.

Or words to this effect. When you're writing a background, you don't want to go into too much detail because your DM doesn't want to read a novel of your character, with all due respect. If you want to write an novel, or a journal of your character, that's cool, but what a DM is looking for is something to work with to make his campaign a bit more personal for you and your character.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Riplox 04-22-07, 03:14 AM	My DM is requesting that I have a complete backstory for my character, so I came up with one. Now all I need is for someone to look over it and tell me if there's anything they think needs reworking or elaboration. I also used a character generator to help me explain his physical features as I was too lazy and uninspired to do it myself (go figure :rolleyes: ). Backstory Marcus Jorghemm This man reminds you of a sturdy tree. He has narrow piercing azure eyes and thick, straight, shoulder-length blond hair worn in an uncomplicated style. He is tall and has a broad-shouldered build. His skin is light-colored, has a strong chin, and large hands. His wardrobe is practical, and is mostly black and gray. History Born to human parents Torvald and Larine Jorghemm, Marcus grew up in a large farming village near the outskirts of the kingdom of Duleon. Captivated by the art of war at a young age, he sought training from his elders, but they refused. Eventually, he finds a mentor to school him in the art of combat, and sneaks away from the village to train. Years pass and he has left his trainer to enlist in Duleon's elite strike force. During a mission, while the group was encamped near the foot of a great mountain, an evil wizard's minions attacked and decimated Marcus's comrades. They captured him and took him back to their master's fortress. There, he was transformed into a minotaur, an additional slave of the wizard's army. Born to human parents Torvald and Larine Jorghemm, Marcus grew up in a large farming village near the outskirts of the kingdom of Duleon. He was gifted with a naturally strong and resilient build and at the age of thirteen, he was helping the community as much as any man, clearing the surrounding woods for farm-land and tending to his families' crops and animals among other things. Captivated by the art of war at a young age, he sought training from many of the now-retired royal guardsmen in the village. Each had their own opinion on his request, but all had the same answer. They refused to train him, and this led Marcus to disregard his elders' words to continue his current way of life. Over the course of a year, he collected information on martial adepts from all walks of life, using the merchants that passed through the town as messengers and deliverymen, trying to find someone to help him. He received one response in all that time and he stole a ride on the next merchant train to come through the town to meet his new mentor. At age 20, he completed his training, and had become a member of an elite strike group funded by the king's army. However, even with his extensive training, he could not have prepared for what was to happen next. The group had made camp for the night at the foot of a mountain, readying their equipment for the next day's assault on a large occult encampment only a few hours march away. A heavy mist quickly rolled in and the group became suspicious as the night had been warm and dry with not even a hint of a cloud in the night sky. Large figures appeared from the mist and began to lay waste to the camp smashing anyone and everything in their path. Many of the men were killed where they sat and a few were smashed as they grabbed for their weapons. Marcus was lucky (or so he thought) as the creatures seemed to totally ignore his presence. This gave him an opportunity to grab his weapon and shield to try and combat the hulking beasts. His efforts were in vain as his axe glanced off their hides with no effect. A beast charged him and in one swift motion, grabbed him by the waist and picked him straight off the ground, hardly showing any effort. Thinking quickly, Marcus jammed the pointed axe handle into the creature's eye. It released it's vice-like grip and clutched the wound, roaring in pain, allowing him to get away. Moments later, another beast charged from the mist, and smashed it huge fist into him, knocking him completely unconscious. It hefted his limp body across it's shoulder and then disappeared into the mist as quickly as it had come. Marcus awoke in a strange chamber the likes of which he had never seen. Dark crystals grew from the rock walls and small orbs of light floated high overhead near the ceiling illuminating the room. As he became more aware of his surroundings, he realized he was bound with bands of energy snaking from the giant granite pedestal on which he lay naked. He struggled against the bonds attempting to break free, but his efforts were of no use. A thin cloaked figure entered the room, wreathed in darkness even the light in the room would not penetrate. "You look fitting enough." the figure whispered. "Where the hell am I, and what are you going to do with me?" demanded Marcus. It never answered as it spread it's arms and dark energy sprang forth, creating 4 identical likenesses of itself, all centered around the pedestal. They began to chant in demonic tongues and the energy began to flow into Marcus. He writhed on the pedestal as the it burned its way into his body and moments later, the chanting stopped and the energy flow subsided. Marcus began to feel his body become very heavy, and within a few minutes, he passed out. This ceremony turns Marcus into a minotaur (partially) and suppresses his current memory allowing for the mage that made it to use Marcus as his slave/bodyguard. The mage gives Marcus a new name - Hrothgar (yes I know it's from Beowulf). A few years pass and he has been able to regain a small portion of his old memory which eventually drives him to escape to return to his home. This is where the background for my character ended and I began playing.
Nall_The_Azure_Guardian 04-22-07, 04:24 AM	It seems fine to me you can even mabye work the "bad wizard" in as an NPC or a villain if your DM likes (probably why he wanted a backstory) the only real problem I have is that what I'm assuming is the half-miniature template is a flask of something why not just a spell, it feels more permanent that way is there an antidote? can he be polymorphed back? and does he want to return to "normal"?
Fithero 04-22-07, 07:14 AM	I agree with Nall_The_Azure_Guardian, its all good apart from the transmutation process. Change that and it would be pretty sweet. Perhaps Marcus and a bull were both killed simultaniously (spelling?) then raised together... or something along those lines. Liquid from a flask doesnt make any sort of impact. Peace
Riplox 04-22-07, 12:24 PM	Actually, my character HAS been polymorphed back. We managed to find a scroll and got our local wizard to cast it on him, so now he's reverted back to his original self (or as close as he could get with the spell). And yes, you're right. A liquid doesn't make much sense now that I think about it. EDIT: Ok. I changed it.
Westbound 04-22-07, 12:43 PM	What you have here is more of a narrative than a background. The first portion of your story, about where Marcus got his training, is his background. The rest is something you should save for the DM, and is one thing you could tell your party should the subject ever come up. A background is an explanation for your character's training, powers, family circumstances, relationships, reason for being in the party (if you want), why he has a particular item, etc. Transforming into a minotaur is interesting, but you don't have to go into the details. What you could've said was this: While the strike group camped near the foot of a great mountain, an evil wizard's minions attacked and decimated Marcus's comrades. They captured him and took him back to their master's fortress. There, he was transformed into a minotaur, an additional slave of the wizard's army. Or words to this effect. When you're writing a background, you don't want to go into too much detail because your DM doesn't want to read a novel of your character, with all due respect. If you want to write an novel, or a journal of your character, that's cool, but what a DM is looking for is something to work with to make his campaign a bit more personal for you and your character.