Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Nightfallen 04-26-08, 01:02 AM	Ok, I need help with this, I want it to sound good, yet I also want it to sound like my character wrote it. Can you rea and see if there is anything I can add to make it better? He is a Moon Elf with an Int of 17. Please read and help with any sujestions :::Renizars Jurney's::: My village was attacked by a band of bandits, I didn't think they were so strong. Before they attacked, me and my brother left. We took some of our belonging's and took our leave. When we turned back, we saw black smoke coming from the direction of our village. We waited a couple days, the made our way back. We came to a ruin, our village was burned to the ground. I couldn't imagine that the bandits were that strong, to be able to destroy the whole village. I feel so mad, I want to destroy the people who were responsible, but I know I am to weak to do so, even with my brother. I will train and become stronger to destroy them, they who have wronged my. I shall continue to put my Journeys into this book, to show how far I have come, and for others to continue this book if I fall. (Second Entry) We were captured by the Bandits who have burned our village down. While here, I have witnessed and overheard a few things. I over heard them talking about someone named the Goblin King, i think this guy is there leader, because the seem to respect his name. I have also seen the local Guard come to try and ride this place of these bandits. I am afraid that they were no mach for them, and the were slaughtered. The only reason I am alive today to wright this is because of the fact that a paladin had traveled here. He didn't seem like a normal paladin, but I was just glad to see him there. My brother had told him what had happened to him, and he seemed to believe us. Although one of the bandits tried to convince him we were workers for the goblin king. I have never been so insulted, although the paladin seemed to believe us over the Bandit. As dawn approached, I feared that we would not make it, but before the executed us, a horn sounded from afar. This seemed to draw them away, and the told the paladin to wait with use. Although the paladin had disobeyed the orders given to him, and he helped us escape from the chains. We searched the camp and tried to find anything useful. After a short time, my brother found a sword. It was a magic sword, and it increased my brothers strength and health greatly, although he could not let go. When the paladin looked at it, he said it evil and told us that he would have to cut off his hand if there cleric couldn't remove it from his grip. I felt sorry for him, but I would not wish for my brother to use a cursed sword made by the people that destroyed our village. We stole three horse's and followed the paladin to his group. They were already confronted by the Bandits, they took them to the camp, and we followed. We waited for a short while, then we lighted some touches and through them into the camp. Soon after, the group of bandits left in a very big rush. When we got into the camp, it was already in flames, and we had little time to help our new companions. I opened a lock that help on prisoner, and a halfling opened another. With that we were all out. Then a wind came, it was weird, i never knew the weather to be that unpredictable. Then we saw a person in the distance. It was a wizard, and the cleric for some reason knew his name and paid great respect to him. The cleric told us his name was *Name* (forgot his name). When he got there, the Cleric asked why he was out here, and he answered "I am hear because the wing called me here." Strange answer, but I had to ask if he could help my brother get the sword off. He said he could not, but there was a sorceress that would most likely help us. It is a little of the route of the travel, and I fear that our paladin would not take the time. We will further discuss this soon, I only hope that he changes his mind and decided to travel to the sorceress for help.
VampyresThrenody 04-26-08, 07:22 AM	Spread it out into paragraphs. Even though the elf's writing style may be just stream of consciousness it's much easier for others to read. Generally short paragraphs are best ^^. Also, make a bit more disjointed. It is in first person but doesn't read like its written in a journal. Think about anytime you may have done so and emulate that. If not here's a small sample/idea. Diary, Today was awesome. Really! Yea unusual for this week, but it happened. Anyway, I went to the post office to drop off a letter for Mom and met up with Carla there. I had planned to just come back and study for the rest of the day, but I'm glad it didn't turn out like that. We had a blast. Went to the movies, saw that one thing with the guy and the guns and the cute guy with the cards? I wrote about it somewhere. Whatever. Anyway. Then went to Cafe Brigaldo where we had some sangria's and watched the beach. Best thing ever. Note to self, sitting on beach + sangria = posh and awesome. Hope I got the point across :X hope that helps you out! Also run your post through a spell check on word or such, it would make it easier to read. Good luck! And great start!
Nightfallen 04-26-08, 02:13 PM	Well, ya, but it's not really a diary, I just posted it like that to make people read this. whenever I just ask for help, I have to bump a few times bofore they help. He's wrighting it in a style that is like "I did this, I did that," He wants this book to be like a story he is wrighting for readers to read. Also, I dont have word, so I did an online spell check, it got pritty mmuch everything exept for my name. I think I'll do the paragraphs like you said though, but I dont think im ganna do it ever other sentence.
Terjon of the Blue Rose 04-27-08, 04:29 AM	You should probably decide quite clearly what his intent is with this work. Is he writing for himself (acceptable for the style given) or for others? If the latter, as you have suggested, you want to switch from the diary into manifesto writing styles. My village was attacked by bandits. There is no way they should have been that strong. I left with my brother and a few lucky others before the attack. When we turned back we saw black smoke coming from our village. After several days we made our way back. We came upon an attrocity. Our village was needlessly burned to the ground. My people were killed wherever they stood. There are no apparent survivors and the village is a ruin. Even those who could neither fight nor run were killed, likely for the sheer pleasure of some twisted monster. I am outraged. At first I want nothing more than to destroy the people responsible, but I am too weak to do so. I will train and become stronger and I will destroy them. They deserve no mercy and shall have none. My journeys will be detailed in this book. It will show how far I have come and I can only hope that, if I fall, some other will find it and avenge my people. I've only given a sample of the first entry and I cleaned it up a little to try and let some of that intelligence show through but you should get a good idea of what I'm suggesting.
Nightfallen 04-27-08, 09:38 PM	Oh, ok, thanks man. I didn't think that I sould of don it like that. ^^;;;;; I'll post it hear after it has bee upgraded.
Nightfallen 04-27-08, 10:28 PM	(( If someone would tell me how to put the Hide/Show thing on, I would thank you ver much)) Ok here is my Upgraded verson, everything is under the dased line, the Dotted line shows the seperation between Entries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- My village was attacked by bandits. There is no way they should have been that strong. I left with my brother and a few lucky others before the attack. When we turned back we saw black smoke coming from our village. After several days we made our way back. We came upon an atrocity. Our village was needlessly burned to the ground. My people were killed wherever they stood. There are no apparent survivors and the village is a ruin. Even those who could neither fight nor run were killed, likely for the sheer pleasure of some twisted monster. I am outraged. At first I want nothing more than to destroy the people responsible, but I know I am too weak to do so now, but I will train and become stronger and so that I may destroy them. They deserve no mercy and shall have none. My journeys will be detailed in this book. It will show how far I have come and I can only hope that, if I fall, some other will find it and avenge my people. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::: I was recently caught by the people that have burned my Village down. The only reason I am able to wright in here is because a Paladin recently came through here. He asked why were we in here, we had told him what had happened, but those monsters tried to deny everything. Although for some reason he believed us over them, thank the stars my brother an I are alive. After several Days in that encampment, I have seen and heard many things in this place. One day, during the night, I heard them say something about the Goblin King. By the way they were talking, it sounded as if he was there leader. But that wasn't all I witnessed while there. One day, during the Morning, there was a group of Guards. They had come to stop these bandits, but unfortunately, they did not know what was in store for them. These guys are monsters, they had to have been to take out so many Guards at once. Once dawn had approached, I feared that I would not be able to have continued this quest. I was about to tell the paladin to grab my book and continue on and try to avenge my people. Although, before they had the time to execute us, a horn sounded off in the distance. It had seemed as if someone in there group had been attacked, because the left us and told the paladin to watch us. I was so relieved when he helped us out of the Chains. We had enough time to raid the camp before he we had to head out, so we did. My Brother found a sword, and when he held it, he was damaged. Although after he held it for a while, it seemed that he became stronger and healthier then he had ever been in his life. Although when that paladin checked it out, he said the sword was evil and that if the cleric could not get it off, he would have to cut his hand off. We had stolen a couple horses, then set off to the paladins group. Although when we got there, they had been confronted by the bandits that had left the camp earlier. I saw little hope of rescuing them then, and suggested that we wait a little while longer to help them. Although the Paladin wanted to try and save them then, he sent to houses into the camp. It made some chaos, but not enough for the party to escape. When the Bandits headed out with the group captured, we decided to follow. We got back to the camp, and throw some touches into the camp to chase out the Bandits. It seemed to work, for after a little while, the left and we were able to get in. When we did, We were able to free all of them. Before we left, however, there was a strange occurrence. The wind had changed it's direction, and had blown out the flames. There was a figure off in the distance, and the Cleric had noticed him as someone important. He said that he was a powerful wizard named __________. When we asked about the Sword and if there was a way to get it off. He said that there was nothing he could do for my brother, but there was a sorceress that might be able to help. Although the paladin seems to be in a rush. Although it seems as if the Paladin has made his mind, I will try and convince him that we should go visit to sorceress for help. I do not wish to have my brothers had cut off, even if the Paladin has promised to have someone regenerate it for him when we get to Waterdeep.
Nightfallen 04-28-08, 10:32 AM	:bump: :bump:
LadyLindis 04-28-08, 03:54 PM	Much better, just spreading out the paragraphs makes this much easier on the eyes. Sentence 2 in the second diary entry he only reason I am able to *wright* in here is because a Paladin recently came through here. * It should be write Paragraph 2 sentence 3 One day, during the night, Easier to read: One night/it was nightfall when Paragraph 3 sentence 2 One day, during the Morning, Easier to read: It was morning/that morning And Paragraph 8 sentence 2 We got back to the camp, and throw some touches into the camp to chase out the Bandits. Easier to read: We got back to the camp, and threw some torches into the camp to chase out the Bandits. Just your friendly neighborhood Lindis offering some suggestions to make your writing grand. ^^ A final word: you'll want to name his brother, because writing my brother feels... boring for both the writer and the reader. Hope all my suggestions are helpful to you.
Nightfallen 04-28-08, 10:03 PM	Ok, thanks Lindis ^^ I'll have a new entry soon, and the last on will be edited. I thank you for all your help, and my character is going pritty well, and I think I might servive longer then my other characters, Max dex 17 Int and 16 Con, I like that alot.
Nightfallen 04-29-08, 01:38 AM	Ok, it may need a spell check a bit, but it's what I got now. I spelled the names to the best of my abilitys. Xena was the name my DM gave to the NPC, I did not make that up. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::: While we were discussing to chop his hand off or not, I looked up to see that Swas had left. fortunately, Pocky was able to puck up his trail. However it was going South East, the exact opposite way of the place we were going. We traveled about an Hour before giving up. While traveling, we noticed that the weather was changing for the worse. Our Druid thought that it was going to rain in about 24 hours, so we decided to look for shelter while we traveled. It was a little less time then Kevin thought when it started to rain, and we have not see any place to stay, however Kevin knew that there was a town only an hours way from were we were. We cam to the village right before it started to really come down. We came into the inn and ordered something to drink and eat. We asked if there was a place to stay, and the Drawf told us not to far out, there was a cottage with a woman living in it. Her husband left to fight the Orc's and Goblins, but he had never returned. When we got there, several of the Party members tried to sweet talk the lady, but in the end, Pocky was the one who made a hit. However, she would not let us in with weapons. I refused and she forced me to sleep outside. It wasn't the worst night I slept through, but it wasn't a good night either. When we awoken the next morning, we could hear the Beating of war drum's, and they were heading towards the village. We warned everyone in the village, but the lady that was nice enough to provide the other party members would not leave, she was going to stay and fight. Then we started to travel North west again, leaving the village and listening to the Drums. However, we made it a little while out, we heard the Drums stop. Pocky climbed a tree to get a better look, and saw that there were many dead bodies everywhere. Hearing this and thinking that the village didn't have that many people made me glad. However, I did not know if the lady survived. We found a clearing and decided to spend the night there. However, in the middle of the night, two figures appeared out of the tree's. Pocky woke up the wizard, and he casted a Wake spell on us. It turned out that thought two people were the Lady and the Drawf from the village. They told us there names. The lady's name was Xena and the Dwarfs name was Torik. After a bit more rest, we made our way towards the North west again. However Xena noticed that there were humanoids in the direction we were we heading, and they were traveling towards us. However Pocky climbed a tree and saw that they were solders of Corrmer. I have traveled with these people, and they have told me what had happened to them in Corner. Since they do not know me, Xena, or Torik and the Dragon can morph, the best option is to let us talk to them and let the rest hide until we find out there Alliance.
Nightfallen 04-29-08, 06:56 PM	:bump: :bump:
Nightfallen 04-30-08, 10:29 AM	:bump: :bump: :bump: please reply and tell me how the story is and how to edit it to make it better.
LadyLindis 04-30-08, 05:54 PM	Grr...blasted forum. >>
LadyLindis 04-30-08, 05:57 PM	Sorry about the wait, reading now. ^_^ *gets editor's pen while reading* Sentence and Paragraph 1 While we were discussing to chop his hand off or not, I looked up to see that Swas had left. fortunately, Pocky was able to puck up his trail. However it was going South East, the exact opposite way of the place we were going. We traveled about an Hour before giving up. Easier to read: While discussing/We discussed Fortunately. When you start a new sentence, the first letter is capitalized. Should be: hour. You just made a tiny mistake there. ^_^ Paragraph 2 Sentence's 2 and 3 Our Druid thought that it was going to rain in about 24 hours, so we decided to look for shelter while [I]we traveled. It was a little less time then Kevin thought when it started to rain,[I/] and we have not see any place to stay, however Kevin knew that there was a town only an hours way from were we were. Easier to read: You can end the first sentence at "Shelter" and then say: The rain came sooner than Kevin expected. We came to the village right before it started to really come down. We came into the inn and ordered something to drink and eat. We asked if there was a place to stay, and the Drawf told us not to far out, there was a cottage with a woman living in it. Her husband left to fight the Orc's and Goblins, but he had never returned. Paragraph 3 Sentence 1 Easier to read: We arrived before the worst of it, and ordered food and drink when we reached the town's inn. We asked around for lodgings, a Dwarf told us of a cottage where a local widow lived. Her husband left to fight the Orc's and Goblins, but he had never returned. Paragraph 4 When we got there, several of the Party members tried to sweet talk the lady, but in the end, Pocky was the one who made a hit. However, she would not let us in with weapons. I refused and she forced me to sleep outside. It wasn't the worst night I slept through, but it wasn't a good night either. Easier to read: When we got there, several Party members tried to sweet talk the lady, in the end, Pocky was the one who made a hit. However, she would not let us in with weapons. I refused and she forced me to sleep outside. It wasn't the worst night I slept through, but it wasn't a good night either Nothing much to edit there. ^^ Paragraph 5 When we awoken the next morning, we could hear the Beating of war drum's, and they were heading towards the village. We warned everyone in the village, but the lady that was nice enough to provide the other party members would not leave, she was going to stay and fight. Easier to read: We awoke the next morning to the beating of war drums heading towards the village. We warned everyone and the lady that was nice enough to provide shelter for the other party members would not leave, she was going to stay and fight Paragraph 6 Then we started to travel North west again, leaving the village and listening to the Drums. However, we made it a little while out, we heard the Drums stop. Pocky climbed a tree to get a better look, and saw that there were many dead bodies everywhere. Hearing this and thinking that the village didn't have that many people made me glad. However, I did not know if the lady survived. Easier to read: We started to travel North west again Paragraph 7 We found a clearing and decided to spend the night there. However, in the middle of the night, two figures appeared out of the tree's. Pocky woke up the wizard, and he casted a Wake spell on us. It turned out that thought two people were the Lady and the Drawf from the village. They told us there names. The lady's name was Xena and the Dwarfs name was Torik. Easier to read: We decided to spend the night in a clearing we found. In the middle of the night, two figures appeared out of the trees. Pocky woke up the wizard, and he casted a Wake spell on us. It turned out that thought two people were the Lady and the Drawf from the village. They told us there names. The lady was Xena and the Dwarf's name was Torik. Paragraph 8 After a bit more rest, we made our way towards the North west again. However Xena noticed that there were humanoids in the direction we were we heading, and they were traveling towards us. However Pocky climbed a tree and saw that they were solders of Corrmer. Easier to read: After a bit more rest, we continued moving northwest. However Xena noticed that there were humanoids in the direction we were we heading, traveling towards us. Pocky climbed a tree and saw that they were solders of Corrmer. Paragraph 9 I have traveled with these people, and they have told me what had happened to them in Corner. Since they do not know me, Xena, or Torik and the Dragon can morph, the best option is to let us talk to them and let the rest hide until we find out there Alliance. Easier to read: there should be their. There= places. Their= people. That's all for now.
Nightfallen 04-30-08, 10:34 PM	thank you ^^ I hope veryone thinks it is ok. Im the second person to have a jurnal in the DnD campian I am in.
Nightfallen 05-07-08, 01:07 AM	Ok, this week might take a little longer. I am haveing trouble remebering what I was ans wasn't in. Sorry, it'll be up in a day or two.
Tyreal_human_fighter 05-12-08, 05:37 PM	wasn't the wizards name Elminster and the dwarf with xenas name Torodin