Post/Author/DateTime	Post
TimePotato 01-15-06, 10:19 AM	So I’ve recently had an idea for a comedian bard that instead of doing the usual bardly things, would instead tell D&D style jokes with musical accompaniment. I was wondering if anyone could give me some good (or bad for that matter) jokes that are D&D related, like ex. / So a druid his son and his wolf animal companion walk into a bar: Ow, ow, *whimper* (I did say bad jokes where ok after all) also the campaign will be in Eberron so racist jokes can include not only the usual elves and dwarves but also changelings and shifters etc..
Schatten9 01-15-06, 02:02 PM	Pick up the Dragon Compendium (book containing compiled material from past Dragon magazines) and check out the "Jester" character class. It sounds like it may fit your idea of a comedic bard, and has a number of related abilities thrown in. As for D&D related jokes, I can't help you much there, but bad puns are a good start.
aleshandre 01-15-06, 02:05 PM	Instead, go pick up some Groo the Wanderer comics and follow the pattern of the Minstrel. He follows Groo around to see what dumb things the poor barbarian does next, then goes somewhere that Groo hasn't and tells the tales of the stupid barbarian Groo (people who have experienced Groo don't like the tales at all).
Tibs 01-15-06, 02:32 PM	Q:What's the difference between a depressed bard and wilted lettuce? A: One makes a sad ballad, and the other makes a bad salad! I'm hillarious.
Cyphen 01-16-06, 02:57 PM	You may also want to check out the Divine Trickster (or was it Divine Prankster?) Prestige Class in Races of Stone, they let you tell a joke that's so funny, it'll kill ya!
Gallameed 01-17-06, 05:21 AM	Read some Terry Pratchett.
ConfoundedReptile 01-17-06, 09:14 PM	Sign outside Wizard tower: "No loitering. Violators will be toad."
TimePotato 01-21-06, 08:53 PM	Thanks for the replies the jokes that where posted are right on target, and i came up with another one: what’s the difference between a dwarf woman and a hobgoblin? the hobgoblin has less hair I have already read disc world, but it doesn’t contain the one liners or short jokes that I’m interested in. However, it is very funny and I think every role-player should read it. I wasn’t really looking for class info, however the divine prankster bit did help me and I’m working on an adaptation with my DM. i look forward to more humor.
Tasmar 01-22-06, 12:49 AM	You may also want to check out the Divine Trickster (or was it Divine Prankster?) Prestige Class in Races of Stone, they let you tell a joke that's so funny, it'll kill ya! it's prankster. The class is alright, but you have to be a gnome worshiping Garl Glittergold and its meant for Cleric/Bards which means you'll lose at least 3 levels of bard benifits and your bardic music abilities will suffer greatly. Good if you were planning on taking options like Divine Bard or being part of a church in the first place. Otherwise it'll spin your character in a direction you probably don't want to go.
The Brat Prince 01-23-06, 02:12 AM	You walk into a tavern, in the dim light (why are taverns NEVER well-lit anyway?) you can make out a beleaguered-looking elf sweating profusely as he attempts to squeeze so much as a chuckle out of a less-than-friendly audience. You catch the punchline of his last joke... "So I say, that's no owlbear, that's my mother!" He ducks as a flagon of ale soars through the space his head just occupied. Unfazed, he launches into his next joke... "So a pirate walks into a pub with the wheel of his ship stuffed down the front of his breeches. He walks up to the bar and asks the barkeep for a drink. No one mentions the ships' wheel down his britches because, hey, pirate. A few rounds later, the pirate's loosenting up a little so the barkeepfeels it's an okay time to ask what's up. 'Hey mate, you know you've got a ships' wheel down your pants?' the pirate replies, 'Aye matey, it's drivin' me nuts.'" Several large heavy objects hurtle towards the poor elf, including what may be an unconcious halfling. Feeling a pang of pity for the embattled comedian, you turn away and sigh.
foliage_man 01-23-06, 09:15 AM	D&D Song (http://stephen-lynch.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/120827/) By Stephen Lynch Best. Album. Ever. Maybe. Not.
JarathWulfenstein 01-23-06, 09:15 PM	"So, you've got a pair of wizards that are running from a bunch of bugbears when they decide to polymorph in to a pair of ropes. So, they're crawling around when they ger really thirsty. To their delight, they find a pub. One wizard goes in and asks for an ale on the rocks. The Bartender, a half-orc, growls out that he doesn't serve ropes. Just as he is about to change back, the wizard notices the same bugbears from before at another table in the pub. Hu scurries out to tell the other wizard. After a long silence, the other wizard laughs as an idea comes to his mind. He graps the other wizard (still a rope) and ties him to himself in a triple knot. He then frays his top into a vert gritty look. The two wizards/ropes slide back in to the bar and order two pints of ale. The bartender eyes them, not knowing they are two different poeple (or that they are people at all, for that matter). He says 'Dat's alodda ale fer sum'un small as you...yer not a rope, are ye?'. The wizard on top lays himself across the bar, gets his end right in to the Half-Orc's face and says 'Nope, I'm a Frayed Knot'." :rimshot:
1984 01-24-06, 12:24 PM	"A gnome, a hafling and a half-orc had gotten themselves into some trouble. And while running from the city guard they get the brilliant idea that they should hide up in some trees. The guards kept on looking and eventually started looking in the trees. First they came to the tree with the gnome, but he thought "Hey, let's trick them."" Meow, meow." "Oh it's only a cat." one said. So they came to the hafling's tree, and he went:"Pip pip, pip pip." "Oh it's only a bird." one said. Then they came to the tree the halforc had climbed and heard "Moooh"" "10 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Apprentice Say 1. "Does Enlarge work on a Sphere of Annihilation?" 2. "Uhh.. you know that nubile virgin you bought in last night? Well, we started talking and.. uhh.. one thing led to another...." 3. I wonder what this wand does ? <as he waves it around> 4. Oooops !! 5.Smell something you said? smoke? Nah, theres no smell of smoke here. No need for you to go into the basement either. he he he. I'll just go downstairs with this wand of fire extinguishing for, you know, target practise. 6. "I finally shot that owl that's been following you around!" 7. "HHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!" 8. "How do you you control something once it gets out of the pentagram?" 9. "What happens if I mix these two potions together?" 10. "You wouldn't happen to have a banishment spell memorized... Oh, no reason...." "
TimePotato 01-25-06, 09:20 PM	The class is alright, but you have to be a gnome worshiping Garl Glittergold and its meant for Cleric/Bards which means you'll lose at least 3 levels of bard benifits and your bardic music abilities will suffer greatly. Good if you were planning on taking options like Divine Bard or being part of a church in the first place. Otherwise it'll spin your character in a direction you probably don't want to go. Thats what I thought when I looked at it, but after talking to my DM we decided we could work on an adaption. the class would be changed to just be a prankster without the divine. Replace the turning attempt spent to make a better illusion with bardic music use etc. the divine requirements would be removed as well in leu for somthing else, and the whole gnome worshiping Garl Glittergold thing would be thrown out because it's in Eberron so there is no Garl Glittergold. I was also going to take 2 levels in sublime chord (i think this is the name of the class, it's in complete arcane and I don't have it on me now) gives spellcasting from 4th to 9th in 10 levels. I'd use the spells per day from prankster to up that instead of the normal bard spellcasting, and I'd have the bardic music to enhance my caster level by 3. So I'm not realy looking for charactor class, feat selection, etc. Thanks for the latest batch of jokes they where great. Keep em comming.
Lyinginbedmon 01-26-06, 02:50 PM	"I once met a mage in a dark dungeon. I walked in through the door and saw him hurling some kind of arrow-shaped into a dark corner. He introduced himself and said "I am Galstaff, Sorcerer of Light!". I replied, "Then how come you had to cast a magic missile?"" Yes, I'm going to die quietly in my sleep now... "A pirate is sailing his mighty battleship near the shipping ports through the dark waters of the night. In the distance he makes out a light. He tells the ship's mage to send a message over saying "Veer off!". The mage goes off, and after a few moments returns with a reply telling them "You veer off!". The pirate, rather understandably, becomes irate and sends another message saying "Are you insane man?! This is a pirate battleship coming your way!". A moment later, almost immediately, a message comes back saying: "Well, think about it. This is a lighthouse coming your way""
G-man 01-27-06, 05:31 PM	A pretty elven woman has to buy a horse for an upcoming overland adventure, so she goes to the local stables to check out the inventory. She wanders around, looking at a donkey, a chesnut mare, a huge black warhorse, and finally, after browsing for a while she spots a pegasus tethered in a far corner of the barn. She walks up to the stall the pegasus is being kept in and leans over the top to scratch the creature behind its ears. However, as she is leaning over, she breaks wind. Surprised and embarrassed by her accident, she very quickly turns around to see if anybody else has noticed. No one appears to be looking her way, so she decides to continue browsing as though nothing has happened. A few moments later, a halfling salesman approaches her, rubbing his hands together at the thought of relieving the elven maiden of her hard earned coin. She sees him approaching, and when he asks if there is anything he can help her with, she points at the pegasus and asks how much it costs. The halfling smirks and says, "Lady, if you broke wind just touching that thing, you're gonna $h!t your pants when you find out how much it costs!" :D
G-man 01-28-06, 08:01 PM	Now that's what I call a 'half orc'... Whoa, check out Sir Larry's 'great club'...
Half Life? 01-29-06, 03:23 PM	A Paladin walks into town and looks for a stable. When he gets there the owner of the stable comes out to greet the Paladin. "Hello good Knight, how may I help you?" The Paladin replies "I need a horse for my mount." The owner says, "I have the perfect horse for you, I have been training this horse since it was a small colt and now it has grown to a mighty steed." "Perfect, I will purchase it from you. How much?" "Because you are a mighty good Knight I will let you have this horse for very cheep, lets say, 3000g?" "Splendid here you are." the owner goes to get the horse, when he returns with the horse the Paladin takes the reigns and leads the horse to an open area infront of the stables. When he gets there the Paladin whistles, a few seconds later a Large Griffon comes down from the sky and devours the Horse. The stable owner is flabbergasted and shouts to the paladin "WHA... You said you need a horse for your Mount!" the paladin replies "Yes i did, my griffon really likes horses." :rimshot:
aleshandre 01-31-06, 03:50 PM	What does a wizard do when he really needs a dog? He'll summona*****.
Mythrienne 02-08-06, 04:26 PM	Some time ago I was running a campaign, and in one adventure I was trying to provoke the party's half-orc into starting a bar fight with a group of humans who were loudly telling each other half-orc jokes amid much raucous, drunken laughter. I scoured a few messageboards I frequent and came up with the following list, none of which I can take credit for, and most of which involve half-orcs in some way. Hope some of these help. :) How many half-orcs does it take to shingle a roof? Only one, but you gotta slice him reeeaaal thin. What's black and brown and looks good on a half-orc? Topsoil. What's black and brown and also looks good on a half-orc? A pack of hunting dogs. What's the best thing about killing an orc? Squinting and pretending it's a half-orc. What's the difference between a half-orc and a bucket of s***? The bucket. What do you get when you cross a half-orc and a pig? Nothing, there's just some things you can't get a pig to do. Three orcs walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are. A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're stupid." The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc. The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-ass sitting in your lap." An ugly man walks into the local temple and says to the cleric, "Father I hurt all over." And the cleric says, "That's impossible." "No really!" he says, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!, it hurts.", he replies. The cleric shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?" The man smiles and says "Yeah. But how did you know?" The cleric replies, "Because, your finger is broken." A Half-Orc walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!" The half orc responds, "Thats OK, I wanted the mutton." How do you get a one-armed Half-Orc out of a tree? Wave to him. A Myconid walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The myconid responds, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!" Why can't a fallen paladin walk straight? He's out of alignment. What's the brown stuff between a dragon's toes? Slow halflings. Why do liches and vampires tend to speak in riddles? They're crypt-ic. Did you here about the priests of the Butter God? Apparently, they have the power to churn undead. Do you know what this is? (Place hands on top of someone's head and wiggle fingers.) It's an intellect devourer dying of starvation. An Orc, an Elf, a Human, a Kobold, and a Dwarf walk into an Inn. The Innkeeper looks up at them and says "What is this? A Joke?" A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object. Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's Lure!" A mage walks into his friendly neighborhood magic shop. He browses around while a one foot tall pianist sits and plays tunes for the customers. On a sign at the front of the counter are the words, "Ring of Wishes 1gp". The mage quickly roots through his belt pouch and buys the item before the merchant realises his mistake. Not wanting to waste any time he dons the ring and cries, "I wish for a bag that is always full of gold!" and POOF, a bag appears on the floor at his feet. However, upon opening the bag he finds it filled, not with gold, but with a variety of fungi and mold. He grabs the merchant by his coller, and shakes him, saying, "Hey! I asked for a bag full of gold, and all I got was a bag full of mold!" "Yeah..." says the merchant, "...and I bet you think I wished for the 12 inch pianist!" What did the Half-Orc say when he lost his axe? Where's my axe? Where do you find a Half-Orc with no arms or legs? Right where you left him. What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple? Getting attacked by a half-fiend ancient undead red dragon with 20 levels of rogue and the medusa template. What do you call a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison? A small medium at large. Does Studded Leather come from Biker Cows? The survival rate in a fight with a Tanar'ri is abyssmal. A Sneak Attack is a Jab Well Done. When the Orcs ate the Paladin they got a taste of religion. Whats better than winning the Half-Orc Olympics? Not having a 6 Intelligence. A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender, "Do you serve skeletons here?" Times being what they are, the bartender replies, "Sure, we serve anyone." The skeleton hands the man a silver and says, "Fine, I'll have a pitcher of beer and a mop." An Elf, a Gnome, and a Dwarf walk into a tavern. They each order an ale. Just as they are about to enjoy their drinks, all three notice a fly in their mug. The Elf pushes his drink away in disgust. The gnome pulls out the fly and finishes his ale as if nothing happened. The Dwarf picks up the fly and shakes it over the drink, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" What's the difference between a Half-Orc bard and an anchor? You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard. What is the difference between a Half-Orc bard and a flatulent warhorse? The warhorse has a dynamic range.
Fithero 02-08-06, 11:20 PM	Q: How many goblins does it take to defend their own home from a band of adventurers? A: Nobody knows... its never been done before. Q: Whats the differance between a dead half-orc and one thats still alive? A: A dead half-orc doesnt smell as bad. Later
Kinghappo 02-09-06, 08:18 AM	"I've never met a bard who couldn't talk me out of my clothes" ~Barbarian Striesand "I love the way articifers wield their wands" Mage A'-donna "And then he said that if I was nice, he would let me pet his trouser snake companion" - Tavern maid's sexual harrasment statment
Rassul 02-10-06, 11:36 PM	A bardy song There once was a man from Nantucket, Who loved his horse so much that he'd.... pluck it's ear hairs, and take very good care of his trusty old mare from nantucket
JulesCARV 02-11-06, 12:59 AM	"I heard there was this really funny joke about House Orien: it's making the rounds all over Korranberg. Funny thing is... I was supposed to have it tonight for my routine, but it never arrived in the mail like they said it would. I can't figure out why that would be..." "You know, I hear a lot about how Karnathis are so serious all the time, how Karnathis have no sense of humor. I have to tell you, that kind of talk offends me. I'm half-Karnathi you know. My father was a lieutenant in the Karnathi military, and he had a great sense of humor. I could never have been a comedic bard if he hadn't taught me that early. (somberly). Unfortunately, he died in the Last War. He was cut down by some Aundair magewright with a wand of magic missile. He... taught me everything I know today. (/somberly) We talk some still, sometimes. He's been kinda disappointed with his career progression since his death though. He says that once you're dead, the bigwigs in the Karnathi army just don't promote you past O3, or captain. He says he's thinking of transferring to Aerenal, where dead people get more respect, but he's had a tough time learning the language."
Berzerker_prime 02-13-06, 07:34 PM	One night, a bard walked into a tavern, with his entourage of apprentice musicians in tow. They all sat down and performed for the tavern's guests, the bard conducting them in a rousing song that had the entire room clapping and whooping in delight. After the performance was over, the bard announced that it was his final performance. The barkeep protested, saying that he was too good. So, the bard agreed to perform one more song. However, about half way through the performance, the bard suddenly changed songs and belted out a tune that everyone realized too late was the barding spell for a magic missile. The spell flew across the room and killed the innocent barkeep. So, of course, the bard was arrested and taken in front of the local magistrate. Several of the bard's former audience testified against him and the magistrate sentenced him to die. So, the next day at dawn, the bard was asked what he wanted to eat for his last meal. "I would like fifty bananas on a silver platter," he replied, and it was brought to him and he ate. Then, the bard was led out into the town square where a mage was waiting. The bard was tied to a post and the mage called forth a lightning bolt from the heavens to slay him. However, after the lightning bolt, the bard remained alive. The mage was about to call down another when he was stopped by the magistrate who said that the sentence had already been carried out and, by the laws of their land, they weren't allowed to do it twice. Since they could do no more, they let the bard go. The bard, however, was actually in the employ of a local crime ring and was forced to give kick-backs to the local crime lord. So the crime lord, having heard that the bard has survived his death sentence, sent his thugs out and pressed the bard back into service. So, the bard went back to playing. His entourage of musicians, too, were forced to play along. It wasn't long before the bard found himself playing at that same tavern once again. And once again, the performance was a rousing success. He announced afterward that it was his last performance and several members of the audience stood up and said that he couldn't retire, that he was too good. So, he agreed to perform one final song and as he did the bard's song abruptly changed and he cast another spell, this time the spell for a flaming sphere. It rolled for several yards and killed several of the tavern's patrons before someone managed a counterspell. Again, the bard was arrested and again he was brought before the magistrate who sentenced him to death. And the next day at dawn he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. "I would like fifty bananas on a silver platter," he replied, and it was brought to him and he ate. Then the bard was brought once again out into the town square and again tied to the post. The waiting mage cast his spell and brought down a lightning bolt upon the bard, and, wonder of wonders he survived again. So they had to let him go free once more. And, of course, the crime lord, hearing that the bard had survived this second attempt to put him to death, pressed him into service for the crime ring once again. Time passed and once more, the bard found himself leading his entourage of musicians to that same tavern and performing yet another of his rousing successes. At the end of the performance, he announced again that it was to be his last. Everyone in the tavern protested, saying that he couldn't retire, that he was far too good. Once again, he agreed to perform an encore for them. This time, the bard's song changed again and his cast the spell for a fireball, engulfing the entire room in fire, killing everyone in the tavern and his entire entourage of musicians. Once more, the bard was arrested and brought before the puzzled magistrate who once more sentenced him to death. And the next morning, the bard was asked what he wanted for his last meal. "I would like fifty bananas on a silver platter," he replied, and it was brought to him and he ate. One more time, he was led out into the town square, tied to the post, and the mage called down a lightning bolt upon him. This time, it appeared that the bard did, indeed, die at long and final last. So, his body was bundled up into a wooden box and preperations were made for his funeral. The crime lord, distraught over losing his finest bard and biggest tool for intimidation threw a lavish wake for the bard. About half way through the service, the bard's casket suddenly flew open and the bard popped out, alive. Everyone was perplexed, but they decided that it was just another of the bard's miracles. The funeral was called off and the bard was let go free once more. And, once again, the crime lord pressed him back into service. Now the bard had an all-new entourage of musicians to play with him and eventually he found himself performing a show on the ashes of the tavern he had burnt to the ground. Since he had now become such an epic legend in those parts, he attracted a massive crowd who eagerly listened to the bard who could not die. The performance was, once again, a rousing success and at the end of it the bard declared that it was his last. The audience, however, was having none of it and insisted that he was too good, that he couldn't retire. So he agreed to an encore, changed his song again, and cast the spell for a fireball with greater inferno five added to it and razed half of the town to the ground. Once they had gotten done picking their heads out of the sands, the town guard arrested the bard and brought him before the frustrated magistrate. Finally, the magistrate could no longer take it. "I don't understand!" the magistrate railed. "I've sentenced you to death three times and each time you have survived! What is the matter? Do the gods not wish justice be done?" "Well, sir magistrate," said the bard, "it's like I keep telling people. I'm just a bad conductor." *ducks flying banana peels.* Sweet water to you! *beats hasty retreat.* Berz.
Caretaker 02-14-06, 05:17 PM	A mage and a ranger walk through a forest. They see a large flock of birds flying off. "It is about lunchtime" the mage ponders. "Oooh, I could go for some pheasant" the Ranger repleis, sliding his bow from his arm. "Oh, no, let me!" the mage answers, and starts casting a spell. When is incantation is finished he points his finger at one of the birds overhead. the next moment, they hear a loud scream and a human plummets from the sky and crashes into the ground before their noses. When the shocked ranger examines the body, he sees it is dressed in the simplest clothing imaginable. The mage just stands there. "What? What? you said you wanted... oh wait... you wanted PHeasant, not Peasant!"
TimePotato 03-12-06, 01:58 PM	Better jokes than I could have hoped for :D special thanks to Mythrienne for all those half orc jokes, my char is part of house tharashk so my best freinds are half orc ;) and also to Berzerker_prime the long jokes go good for when we all get sidetracked. mmmmmm... free identify 1/day and 9th lv arcane spells by 20th lv.
Squall255 03-14-06, 01:38 PM	What do you call a Gnome without a name? Amunition.