Post/Author/DateTime	Post
scout989 09-15-05, 04:14 PM	Here is the BG of a character I am about to start playing: Background: Kharsin was brought up in the Shining Sun monastery, situated near the border of Mier and the territory claimed by the goblins of Skelandgrief. He was brought up with no knowledge of his parentage; his sensei, Janus, was the closest thing he ever had for a father. The Sun school teaches that one must be as relentless as sunshine, working from sunup to sundown to improve the world beneath you. Kharsin followed this creed religiously, and by the time he was 14, he could easily defeat any of his class in hand to hand combat. He also seemed to grasp complicated fighting techniques in much less time than any sensei could remember. He was immediately set to learning the advanced forms of the Sun school, which were normally reserved for those who had been in training for at least 20 years. But, applying himself with a will, Kharsin zipped through these advanced lessons, often entering completing a section in half the time of students twice his age. After a year of this, the teachers were worried- what were they going to do with him? Janus had an answer for them. "Let me take him out into the world for a year," he begged. "The boy will stifle if we keep him cooped up here, with those who cannot match him." The leader of the monastery saw the wisdom in this and agreed. "But," he asked, "what will you two do?" "We will travel to the city of St. Pox. I will teach him what I can on the way. And, once we are there, you know what else I can teach him," replied Janus. So, after five days preparing for the journey, the two set out. They traveled light, knowing well how much ground they had to cover and how many goblins lay between them and their goal. But Kharsin was gleeful as they left- the trip had the feeling of a coming-of-age ceremony, and he was happy to share it with Janus. They traveled many days, camping and foraging for food when they had to. When they weren't walking or hunting, they practised; for the first time, Kharsin realized just how much more there was for him to learn. Through it all, they always found a minute or two at the end of every day to just sit around the fire and talk with one another. As they traveled, they did indeed run into goblin patrols from time to time. They avoided them when they could, and fought when they couldn't. When at last they were on the border of the goblin territory, however, they ran into the toughest fight they had yet encountered. A band of twenty goblins ambushed them, looking to kill the two outsiders who had taken out so many patrol groups. With them was a gigantic orc, one of the war-chiefs of the goblin band. Kharsin and Janus fought hard, knowing that they would be free if they could make it past this last battle. Kharsin turned from the last of the goblins, ready to help his sensei with the orc. He was just in time to see the greatsword that the orc wielded cut deeply into Janus' stomach. The next few minutes will always be a blank for him, but when he came back to himself, the orc was in pieces and Janus was in his arms. Janus whispered to him "Go on, Kharsin. Go to St. Pox. There, in the Hall of the Dragons, you will find your destiny..." And so ended the life of Janus, the only father Kharsin had ever known. He traveled the rest of the way to St. Pox in a daze; he had no idea how many days it took to get there, or even what route he took. He arrived at the gates many days later, haggard and malnourished, for he hadn't eaten or bathed since Janus died. He was taken to a hospital there and nursed back to health, but he did not say a single word in all that time. When he finally was able to leave the hospital, he went at last to the Hall of the Dragons, where the Dragonknights met. He walked boldly in, and stood looking around for whatever he was supposed to see. One of the Dragonknights strode over to him and said "What are you doing here, young man?" "I am here looking for my destiny." "The only destiny to be found here is that of the Dragonknight, and you're too old to begin training for that," replied the Dragonknight. "I have been in training for over eight years. I can handle whatever training is required to be a Dragonknight" was Kharsin's calm reply. He was right, as it turned out. He worked as hard at being a Dragonknight as he ever had at learning forms, and he excelled. Now it is Graduation morning, and Kharsin is, for the first time, wondering if Janus knew what he was talking about, when he said that Kharsin would find his destiny here. There are a few things that I'm still trying to figure out, and I would really like to have some feedback. First of all, I'm trying to figure out who Janus really is- because I know he isn't just a monk. In the interest of being original, I don't think that he's Kharsin's father (way too obvious). I have been considering the idea that he is a spy or plant for a rival power to Amun, who hopes to use his influence over Kharsin at a later point to have him betray Amun- Kharsin didn't grow up there, so he doesn't have any great allegiance. This is the best idea I've come up with so far; any feedback or ideas on that one? The second question: Are Kharsin's parents important in the overall scheme? It could make a great plot hook, but it would be hard to do it in a way that's not overdone. Third, I'd also like a critique of what I've written, on whatever grounds you think are important- I'd like to improve my (admittedly low) skills as a writer. Thanks to anyone who managed to slog through this whole thing with enough energy left over to reply! Scout
scout989 09-19-05, 04:42 PM	Can no one manage it after all? (bump)
Fithero 09-19-05, 08:15 PM	Didnt i already make a post on this topic? Im pretty sure i did, owell, might have been deleted. Anyway, what i said (or thought i said) earlier was/is that you said this "Now it is Graduation morning, and Kharsin is, for the first time, wondering if Janus knew what he was talking about, when he said that Kharsin would find his destiny here." What is this about? is his new job to easy, does it go against his ethos or what? This monk looked up to his mentor as a father figure, it would have to be something pretty important for him to question him. As for his parents, i dont really think they are important to the story, they could be dead, on the other side of the country or they dont even care about him. Unless you want it to be part of the story, dont bother about them. As for your writing, its pretty good, i enjoyed the read. Later
Bard-of-all-trades 09-22-05, 11:45 PM	You definitely have the beginnings of a great short story and more than enough for a character background. I'm not much of a writer myself, but there are a few places that are a bit clumsy to read. You might want to watch your choice of words to keep in the flavor (i.e. he zipped through training). I do have a couple questions that deal with game mechanics though: 1) What is a Dragon Knight? Is it a monk prestige class or a fighter-type prestige class? And would this mean that our intrepid hero already has levels in monk? 2) What is the idea behind the blanking out (the fight with the orc), is this to infer that he has a level of barbarian or more of a moment of pure focus that he has never attained before? 3) Is Junas a monk, fighter/monk, or fighter? You might want to clarify that as far as his style while on the road. This might be the edge he has over the fledgling monk. (Not game mechanic related) 4) What do they talk about on the road? You might want to expand on what it is that they talk about at the end of the day. Might be a good place to insert hints to who or what Janus is. Also a good place to hint at his motives for the trip; other than the one he gave the leader of the monestary. Like I said, great story and excellent background for a character. I look forward to seeing more like this.
scout989 09-23-05, 12:45 AM	You definitely have the beginnings of a great short story and more than enough for a character background. I'm not much of a writer myself, but there are a few places that are a bit clumsy to read. You might want to watch your choice of words to keep in the flavor (i.e. he zipped through training). I do have a couple questions that deal with game mechanics though: 1) What is a Dragon Knight? Is it a monk prestige class or a fighter-type prestige class? And would this mean that our intrepid hero already has levels in monk? 2) What is the idea behind the blanking out (the fight with the orc), is this to infer that he has a level of barbarian or more of a moment of pure focus that he has never attained before? 3) Is Junas a monk, fighter/monk, or fighter? You might want to clarify that as far as his style while on the road. This might be the edge he has over the fledgling monk. (Not game mechanic related) 4) What do they talk about on the road? You might want to expand on what it is that they talk about at the end of the day. Might be a good place to insert hints to who or what Janus is. Also a good place to hint at his motives for the trip; other than the one he gave the leader of the monestary. Like I said, great story and excellent background for a character. I look forward to seeing more like this. Thanks for replying. These are good questions, and I admit that I didn't want to make it so completely clear that you read this and say "Oh, so he was a monk4/fighter4." However, to answer your questions, 1) Dragon Knight is actually an organization specific to the campaign world; membership requires one level in the dragonrider PrC from the Draconomicon- so it's more fighter-oriented, I guess. 2) The idea behind his blackout with the orc was that losing Janus was the first thing in his life that made him lose control. This doesn't make him a barbarian, it was just to show how strong the bond was. 3) Janus is indeed a monk. Kharsin is a gestalt fighter/monk, which shows up in his superior fighting prowess (compared to monks of his level) and his quick grasp of complicated techniques (i.e. feats). However, I felt that the training and discipline side of his monk training was more important to the flavor of the story and to Kharsin as a character, so I focused on that. 4) I originally had some conversations between the two in the background, but with them, this thing was two pages long. I already had the longest background of anyone else, I didn't want them to think I was trying to outdo them or something. Does that help clarify? I'll see if I can work some of those elements into the story, so that there are no weak spots. Thanks again! Also, Fithero, thank you for responding. I put that down at the end because it felt right, like what Kharsin would have been feeling. Now that you've pointed it out, I'm not sure I can put my finger on precisely why he feels this way. I'll ponder that and see what I came up with- thanks a lot for the feedback!