How is this story? Is it too cliche? [Archive] - Wizards Community

How is this story? Is it too cliche? [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Stealthy Paladin
10-17-04, 10:24 PM Yeah, this is a story about my lvl 6 Rog4/ftr1/mnk1, Orion Hayes. I just wanted to see what you guys thought of the backstory I gave him and what alignment that he would be... here goes:

Born in Sembia, where money and power are virtues, Orion Hayes was the third of four children. His parents were minor merchants who made a good living,
and he was raised to follow in their footsteps. While his older brother, Raphiel, was trained to carry on the family business, learning the finer points of trade and sea captainship,
his older sister, Melanie, studied the arcane ways of the wizard, and his youngest sister, Anya, became a beautiful entertainer skilled with flute, sometimes even a wild dancer
(which Melanie scoffed at), Orion's athletic prowess was recognized immediately by his father. A hardy man himself, Arnor Hayes hired a tutor who trained his son how to use his
incredible strength and agility to its full potential. The tudor, an old dwarf who went by the name of Bolin, trained Orion from when he turned 8 to adulthood at 17. During those years,
Orion learned how use weapons and armor, as well as fighting without them. His teacher stressed that all weapons were simply tools, extensions of one's body, and only by learning
to fight unarmed could one truely understand combat.

He constantly scolded Orion for using natural ability without technique behind it, sometimes beating him for it. But Orion was ever determined,
and in no time, the teacher had a new respect for his student. Training expanded into multiple skills like tumbling, awareness, sneaking, jumping and climbing. Orion was taught
in ways most fighters weren't. While he occasionally donned the heavy armor common among warriors, he spent the vast majority of his lessons with light or no armor,
and instead of complete focus on toe to toe exchanging of blows, he learned to deceive his enemies in combat and then make a kill with a precise strike to a vital target.
The boy spent more time in his studies than anything, and hardly even saw his father, but imagined him extremely pleased when his son returned home,
donned in fully equipped battle gear, magically reinforced grey leather armor, a fine longbow, and the razor edged greatsword given by Bolin, ready for his first sea voyage.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. On Orion's 17th birthday, Bolin told Orion that he had taught him all he could, and the boy would grow stagnant without
real world expirience spent adventuring. They made their way from their training grounds and arrived at Orion's household only to find that his father had departed on a voyage to
Waterdeep just a week before, thinking that Orion was to be training for two more years. The boy decided to surprise his father by seeking passage on merchant vessels going
in a similar direction, and asked Bolin to come along. The weathered dwarf sighed and said it had been long since his last adventure... he agreed to come along.

All was going well, and as the two stopped by the same ports just previously visited by his father, his conversations revealed he was hot on the trail.
As they were nearing Waterdeep, however, the trail suddenly grew cold. He had no leads and no one had any news or knowledge of his father's ship. It was much later
he found that his father was intercepted by pirates. The lucky survivors who told him the story claimed that they had taken Orion's father alive as well as his older brother
Raphiel, and were headed to Luskan. Bolin cracked a rare smile, "This," he said, "is both your chance to put your skills to the test... and for revenge." They hired a man with
a swift fishing ship to go after the pirates. Like any sane person, he refused, but a handful of platinum persuaded him otherwise. As they neared a one of the pirate vessels that they
miraculously found, they used the dusk to their advantage and silently, climbed the ships rigging, systematically killing sentries without a sound until one sounded the alarm.
Orion drew his huge sword, and Bolin produced a two bladed sword. As the ragtag pirates charged with rusty cutlasses, they were cut down like grass by Bolin. His movements
so swift it was impossible to predict whether he would send blood spattering or bones shattering. Orion hacked apart and beat to death 4 attackers. After they slaughtered every
last one, Bolin grabbed the cowering pirate captain, his limbs broken like twigs, and commanded Orion to slit his throat. Orion refused at first, but then Bolin reminded him that
the pirate was responsible for the capture of his brother and father, and that was all he needed.

In the cargo hold, they found a brutally beaten Raphiel, but not Orion's father. They hopped back into the fishing ship, setting the pirate vessel aflame for all to see.
Back at port, Bolin left without a trace, but left a note on Orion's bed at the inn, with a strange headband beside it. It said Orion was on the right path to acheive his potential, and
that the gift he left would help him in his quest of vengence. Pehaps they would see each other again, but probably not.

Orion and Raphiel caught a boat to Luskan and arrived just in time to see the "parade" of criminals being tortured in front of audience. To their dismay, their father
was included in the procession. Orion went do something in rash, but Raphiel pulled him back whispered his father's secret: he was not always an honest merchant. In his early
days he was a pirate and had quite a bounty on his head. The Luskanites must have recognized him and decided to collect the bounty. In his greif, Orion realized he do nothing to
stop what was happening, but swore a grudge against the arcane brotherhood and all other Luskanite officials. His brother was to sail back to Sembia, continuing the family
business, and suggested that Orion would join him. But Orion would not. That night he drank until he was well drunk, and awoke the next day in quite a different place in the city,
somewhere in the slums. He could hardly remember what he had done that night, but signs told him that the city guards were looking for a murderer whose description
suspiciously matched his own. His headband eliminated that problem, and that afternoon, a hobbling old man walked out of the city gates. Apparently, he had no idea a dangerous
murderer was on the loose.

He decided to take residence in Waterdeep. Being the largest city in the known world, he knew that he would find work there- he could not bear to return home. Working as
a mercenary for 4 years, he was recently hired by an inexpierienced elven wizard to an expedition to Undermountain, the largest graveyard of adventurers. Whatever his future
holds is in the hands of that one guy, Stealthy Paladin
Stealthy Paladin
10-20-04, 08:54 PM What, no replies? C'mon... you know you wanna say something... I don't even care if you flame me but can I just get some feedback?
Righetti
10-20-04, 09:23 PM nice, liked the part about the father being a pirate in the past.
Stealthy Paladin
10-20-04, 09:48 PM Cool, someone replied. Thanks, Righetti... pirates are good fun, whether they be the good guys, the bad guys, or both. :D
Hornswaggle
10-23-04, 01:02 AM I know you worried about it being a cliche'd storyline, but I think you've taken enough time to flexh it out so that the cliche turns to your advantage. It's not the "father kidnapped and killed by pirates story" afterall. Turns out father was a pirate, and the desire for weregelt from a whole society and their wizards opens a great adventure hook for your DM if she ever needs to get your party involved in the Luskan region.

Starting with a cliche like parents killed by pirates and tweaking it like this seems to have made for a really enjoyable character. The bonus that his background story might help keep the party moving is 100% gravy.
Stealthy Paladin
10-23-04, 01:27 AM Cool, good to hear! :D

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Stealthy Paladin 10-17-04, 10:24 PM	Yeah, this is a story about my lvl 6 Rog4/ftr1/mnk1, Orion Hayes. I just wanted to see what you guys thought of the backstory I gave him and what alignment that he would be... here goes: Born in Sembia, where money and power are virtues, Orion Hayes was the third of four children. His parents were minor merchants who made a good living, and he was raised to follow in their footsteps. While his older brother, Raphiel, was trained to carry on the family business, learning the finer points of trade and sea captainship, his older sister, Melanie, studied the arcane ways of the wizard, and his youngest sister, Anya, became a beautiful entertainer skilled with flute, sometimes even a wild dancer (which Melanie scoffed at), Orion's athletic prowess was recognized immediately by his father. A hardy man himself, Arnor Hayes hired a tutor who trained his son how to use his incredible strength and agility to its full potential. The tudor, an old dwarf who went by the name of Bolin, trained Orion from when he turned 8 to adulthood at 17. During those years, Orion learned how use weapons and armor, as well as fighting without them. His teacher stressed that all weapons were simply tools, extensions of one's body, and only by learning to fight unarmed could one truely understand combat. He constantly scolded Orion for using natural ability without technique behind it, sometimes beating him for it. But Orion was ever determined, and in no time, the teacher had a new respect for his student. Training expanded into multiple skills like tumbling, awareness, sneaking, jumping and climbing. Orion was taught in ways most fighters weren't. While he occasionally donned the heavy armor common among warriors, he spent the vast majority of his lessons with light or no armor, and instead of complete focus on toe to toe exchanging of blows, he learned to deceive his enemies in combat and then make a kill with a precise strike to a vital target. The boy spent more time in his studies than anything, and hardly even saw his father, but imagined him extremely pleased when his son returned home, donned in fully equipped battle gear, magically reinforced grey leather armor, a fine longbow, and the razor edged greatsword given by Bolin, ready for his first sea voyage. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. On Orion's 17th birthday, Bolin told Orion that he had taught him all he could, and the boy would grow stagnant without real world expirience spent adventuring. They made their way from their training grounds and arrived at Orion's household only to find that his father had departed on a voyage to Waterdeep just a week before, thinking that Orion was to be training for two more years. The boy decided to surprise his father by seeking passage on merchant vessels going in a similar direction, and asked Bolin to come along. The weathered dwarf sighed and said it had been long since his last adventure... he agreed to come along. All was going well, and as the two stopped by the same ports just previously visited by his father, his conversations revealed he was hot on the trail. As they were nearing Waterdeep, however, the trail suddenly grew cold. He had no leads and no one had any news or knowledge of his father's ship. It was much later he found that his father was intercepted by pirates. The lucky survivors who told him the story claimed that they had taken Orion's father alive as well as his older brother Raphiel, and were headed to Luskan. Bolin cracked a rare smile, "This," he said, "is both your chance to put your skills to the test... and for revenge." They hired a man with a swift fishing ship to go after the pirates. Like any sane person, he refused, but a handful of platinum persuaded him otherwise. As they neared a one of the pirate vessels that they miraculously found, they used the dusk to their advantage and silently, climbed the ships rigging, systematically killing sentries without a sound until one sounded the alarm. Orion drew his huge sword, and Bolin produced a two bladed sword. As the ragtag pirates charged with rusty cutlasses, they were cut down like grass by Bolin. His movements so swift it was impossible to predict whether he would send blood spattering or bones shattering. Orion hacked apart and beat to death 4 attackers. After they slaughtered every last one, Bolin grabbed the cowering pirate captain, his limbs broken like twigs, and commanded Orion to slit his throat. Orion refused at first, but then Bolin reminded him that the pirate was responsible for the capture of his brother and father, and that was all he needed. In the cargo hold, they found a brutally beaten Raphiel, but not Orion's father. They hopped back into the fishing ship, setting the pirate vessel aflame for all to see. Back at port, Bolin left without a trace, but left a note on Orion's bed at the inn, with a strange headband beside it. It said Orion was on the right path to acheive his potential, and that the gift he left would help him in his quest of vengence. Pehaps they would see each other again, but probably not. Orion and Raphiel caught a boat to Luskan and arrived just in time to see the "parade" of criminals being tortured in front of audience. To their dismay, their father was included in the procession. Orion went do something in rash, but Raphiel pulled him back whispered his father's secret: he was not always an honest merchant. In his early days he was a pirate and had quite a bounty on his head. The Luskanites must have recognized him and decided to collect the bounty. In his greif, Orion realized he do nothing to stop what was happening, but swore a grudge against the arcane brotherhood and all other Luskanite officials. His brother was to sail back to Sembia, continuing the family business, and suggested that Orion would join him. But Orion would not. That night he drank until he was well drunk, and awoke the next day in quite a different place in the city, somewhere in the slums. He could hardly remember what he had done that night, but signs told him that the city guards were looking for a murderer whose description suspiciously matched his own. His headband eliminated that problem, and that afternoon, a hobbling old man walked out of the city gates. Apparently, he had no idea a dangerous murderer was on the loose. He decided to take residence in Waterdeep. Being the largest city in the known world, he knew that he would find work there- he could not bear to return home. Working as a mercenary for 4 years, he was recently hired by an inexpierienced elven wizard to an expedition to Undermountain, the largest graveyard of adventurers. Whatever his future holds is in the hands of that one guy, Stealthy Paladin
Stealthy Paladin 10-20-04, 08:54 PM	What, no replies? C'mon... you know you wanna say something... I don't even care if you flame me but can I just get some feedback?
Righetti 10-20-04, 09:23 PM	nice, liked the part about the father being a pirate in the past.
Stealthy Paladin 10-20-04, 09:48 PM	Cool, someone replied. Thanks, Righetti... pirates are good fun, whether they be the good guys, the bad guys, or both. :D
Hornswaggle 10-23-04, 01:02 AM	I know you worried about it being a cliche'd storyline, but I think you've taken enough time to flexh it out so that the cliche turns to your advantage. It's not the "father kidnapped and killed by pirates story" afterall. Turns out father was a pirate, and the desire for weregelt from a whole society and their wizards opens a great adventure hook for your DM if she ever needs to get your party involved in the Luskan region. Starting with a cliche like parents killed by pirates and tweaking it like this seems to have made for a really enjoyable character. The bonus that his background story might help keep the party moving is 100% gravy.
Stealthy Paladin 10-23-04, 01:27 AM	Cool, good to hear! :D