My rogue character [Archive] - Wizards Community

My rogue character [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
shadowcinder
11-30-07, 03:56 PM I created a character for a friend's campaign and it seems that we have chosen a path of evil. I created an Elf with some fluff that I needed some reviewing on what kind of evil am I and choose which diety to worship.

Prepare yourselves for a read :D

Alair Shadowcinder

Born in a in a medium size village of Elves, Alair was born in a family of laborers and Merchants. The family seemed neutral alligned with a few outspoke moments here and there but they seemed pretty neutral. The society recognizes the family for their name ,as we know in common language, The Lightcinder clan. They had past ancestors that were legendary in name and immortalized by the world. Feared by the forces of evil and brought glory to the forces of good and brought hope to the unfortunate.

Names such as Eniliir Lightcinder the famous Paladin, he fought for the forces of good and brought an end to the age of strife, his most heroic feat was his self less sacrfices to finally vanquish an evil Lich King seated upon his Zombie Dragon leading his forces of Undead and ending his reign.

Another Heroic Lightcinder is Siledoah Lightcinder the famous wizard who brought an end to an evil Tyrant with her loyal summons of celestial creatures to aid her. she rode through with her allied forces upon a Pegasus and overthrew his evil regime and spread the teachings of magic upon the land.

There was much more Legendary figures (but I am digressing from the point) The prophecy of the Lightcinders was that on: One of a few occassional generations would always speak one being born into the family and impact the land in a Great way. So it was always assumed that all great members born would be always Good. Now we finally come across Alair Lightcinder....

Alair always outcasted himself from his family even though his family loved him. He felt that there was a greater purpose for himself that what he had now was not enough.He was cold and enjoyed his solitude and he was seen as the black sheep of the family and this grew some concern with the family elders. He met a Human Rogue who Alair grew a bond with and the Rogue took him in as an apprentice and trained secretly in the art of stealth by a human rogue who usually passed by the village and learned all of the rogue tricks at a young age even combat skills that used stealth and skill. His family discovered Alair being trained by a Human and were outraged which let the elders to decide to take action to finally separate Alair from the Human rogue and exiled him from the village for teaching one of their own their Tainted art. After which Alair honed on these skills in secret and spent the rest of his spare time learning in the great family library halls the secrets of his past family history and discovered something that would forever change him.

He discovered that in his family there was an ancestor who was the son of a villainous sorceress called Alanina Darkfallen who practiced in the Dark Arts of Necromancy to attain the status of a Lich and it began apparent to him that she was the one who taught a young necromancer apprentice and it began apparent that this young Necromancer was the Lich King that was the cause of the age of strife and betrayed his mentor. How these clans have fallen to each other is a mystery that was never answered...

These secrets were of Great interest into Alair that he grew obsessed into learning the secrets and keeping them to himself. He delved deeper into the family Library and noticed some chests with locks upon them, It was fortunate that Alair was a knack at Lock picking so he opened a chest to see torn pages what seem to be some of the books that seemed to belonged in the family library since it had some of the familiar handwriting from some of the books he has read. Upon these pages would greatly inspire Alair...

It seemed the Eniliir had a twin brother named Logil and that he was a paladin too. Unfortunately Logil committed an act that would betray the order and he would become a Black Guard and make pact with demons. He would face several encounters against his brother and it seems that they both met their "apparent" ends at the end of the Age of Strife and it seemed that Eiliir had sacrificed himself finishing off the Lich King and Logil had somehow locked himself in a hidden fort in by a lake and forest surronded by a mist that will not let up and guarded by monsters and demons. Logil is locked in the deepest sanctum of the fort mumbling in an incomprehensible phrase "em evigrof lliw riiline" as time has made him insane and possibly immortal due to a curse by the demons in his pact...

Alair scrambled to the papers to read more and came across the name of Tunil Blackcinder an infamous rogue greater than Logil and Alanina. Tunil managed to steal a fabled runestone guarded by the Celestials in Plane inaccessible by mortal means. It was until Tunil was fabled the King of Bandits as he could steal anything even the stars if he sets his mind to it. With this fabled runestone he managed to create an item of great power that set him to attain the greatest treasures and magic items with his loyal magic Dog that appeared whenever Tunil needed him. It seemed that no one could capture the King of Bandits. Until one day a group of powerful wizards and sorcerers set a clever trap and lured Tunil with a rare mystical gem that would grant one to walk as ghosts at will. This definitely attracted Tunil and eventually set foot into a clever magic trap that the wizards concocted and finally captured the king of bandits. He was securely taken to the Authorities which they demanded where he hid the Item that granted him power and also how he magically summon a black dog out of nowhere and all the treasure he has stolen. He smiled and told him " I have clues hidden across the land onto where you can find my magic items and I will tell you where the first clue where ,the pieces of a 5 part map that will never deteriorate to the effect of time, you can find it at a mountain whose base appears like that of a Dragon's head if you look at it the right way..." He laughed maniacally and was eventually banished by a group of powerful wizards into an unknown corner of a pocket plane where time never passes by and cursed to stay on this plane for eternity.

Many rogues, theives, and scoundrels search but could never find the fabled mountain and eventually it was all thought of as a concocted to make a last laugh against the authorities. Eventually it was set on as a myth the fabled

Alair read on and wondered why he or his other siblings were never told about their darker kin and went on to seek with the Elders of the Family. Alair finally asked the Elders and demanded why were their Dark Kin kept secret from him. The Elders were shocked to hear the names of the Infamous ones come from Alair's mouth and were furious that he read on the forbidden books of the family library. Two of Alair's siblings grabbed him to take him lock him in a room, but Alair was not going down without a fight.

With great ease Alair eluded their grasp and punched one of his brothers the other took out a club and swung at him and Alair dodges with great ease and tripped him. Suddenly a booming voice erupted and Alair found himself and he could not move. It was one of the Elders which paralyzed Alair with his spell. He Forbid Alair to ever go back into the Library and ordered his brother to burn the forbidden books so that the world will never be reminded of the Infamous dark leaves of the family tree of the Lightcinders.

This infuriated Alair and was to be locked in his quarters until a punishment was to be decided by the Elders. Alair began to despise his family for what they have done to him. Only to seek knowledge and embrace his Darker kin. Alair then noticed a package that was left for him and it seem like it was from the human rogue... with a note written

"Though you have only become a teenager in your years I am close to my end of my time and I leave it to the next generation to impact the world. I leave you with these gifts of my trusty items that have never let me down in my adventures. of a shortsword, punching dagger, and a special potion that gives you temporary immunity to any magic. It seems that you are unhappy and only you can change that I trust you will greatly impact the world in your own way, Farewell Alair."

Alair looked at the items and thought to himself that the only way out to find out to see if he was worthy of being the same status of infamy as Tunil Blackcinder he knew what he had to do.

He waited until the middle of the night and prepared himself, he opened the lock of his quarters and quietly let himself out. One of his brothers noticed this action and went to stop him as he arrived, Alair quickly jabbed him with his punching dagger and the brother looked at his wound only to notice a blade come upon him and be enveloped by darkness. Alair noticed the blood on his hands and felt some sort of satisfaction it was a feeling that he had never felt before. He felt that he knew where he was heading and went off...He would kill the rest of the members of his family by his blade, before he entered the sanctum of the Elders he ingested the potion and barged in by kicking the door. The Elders were shocked that Alair has committed such an atrocious act and that the only way that he would be dealt with was Death. The Elders prepared their spells and threw fireballs at Alair, He flinched but only noticed that the fireball did not affect him as it dissipated as it touched him. The potion worked and Alair gave a sinister smile and slew the Elders. The great elder was still alive but mortally wounded, Alair approached the Elder and told him that he has willingly forsaken his clan and adopted the surname Shadowcinder instead of Lightcinder. Then beheaded the elder with a quick swipe of his sword.

A shriek pierced the Sanctum Alair turned around and noticed his younger sister as she was devastated to see such an act committed by a member of the family. She noticed the laying remains of the Elders and rage engulfed the young elf as she grabbed a nearby sword and charged blindly at Alair. Alair easily avoided the attack and punched her in the guy with his bare fist knocking the breath out of her. Alair demanded her name and the young elf gave him a piercing look of hatred for him and said Elendess Lightbringer and remarked with a spit on his face. Alair gave a dirty look at her and slapped her across the face as she hit the ground.

Alair said this to her, "You are pathetic and it is not worth a challenge for my skill. If you wish to avenge your clan grow stronger for I will not hold back upon you and I expect a great fight from you one day. To make sure you remember I will make a reminder that will surely make an impact on you."

Alair took out his punching dagger and carved an 'X' upon her right eye, Elendess screamed in pain and tears came out as well as blood. He looked at her with a sinister face and told her,

"I am relinquished the name Lightcinder and I shall be known as Alair Shadowcinder, to fully understand why I have done these acts try to figure out who these people are." Alair threw a scroll and it was a list of the infamous members of the family written on it.

Alair left in the village in the middle of the night to begin his quest for the hidden item that his ancestor Tunil has hidden for all these years and see for himself if he is worthy of attaining notoriety and that he will do anything to achieve it and nothing would get in his way for getting it.

So I want to know what you guys think. Maybe some edits, changes, critics, praises, anything on what you guys think about this. Please remember to answer the questions above.

thank you for your time and consideration.
Lacdannan
12-01-07, 03:44 PM Please remember to answer the questions above.

What questions above? you don't have a single question mark in the entire post.

Comments:

Your story isn't bad. If this is a written story you intend on providing the DM, you may want to edit it for run-on's and sentence structure.

Logil's words are entirely too easy to decifer and it really takes away from the story.

I've had to collect some vitreous humor (eyeball fluid) in my line of work and while I'm not sure (as I never have tried, nor ever would), I believe it would be impossible to mark an "X" on someones eye without...well to be blunt....poking a hole in it, causing it to defate like a water balloon, rendering it useless and entirely unsuitible to bear a mark. Perhaps an "X" across her face, putting out her eye, would be more realistic?

The interaction with Alair and his sister is a bit hokey. Why would he ask her name if she is his sister? Was he wanting her to claim to be a Shadowcinder?

Overall I don't know. I found myself saying over and over to myself "well isn't that convenient"...a sure sign its a bit cliche.
LadyLindis
12-02-07, 02:21 AM Lacdannan's advice is identical to mine so I won't bother reperting it.
But I do have one bit of advice:
There is no way you can "X" the eyeball... no way at all, the orb would indeed pop and she would lose the eye.
Maybe you should have him mark her eyelid, cheek, hairline, back of hand...but the actual eye is unrealistic.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
shadowcinder 11-30-07, 03:56 PM	I created a character for a friend's campaign and it seems that we have chosen a path of evil. I created an Elf with some fluff that I needed some reviewing on what kind of evil am I and choose which diety to worship. Prepare yourselves for a read :D Alair Shadowcinder Born in a in a medium size village of Elves, Alair was born in a family of laborers and Merchants. The family seemed neutral alligned with a few outspoke moments here and there but they seemed pretty neutral. The society recognizes the family for their name ,as we know in common language, The Lightcinder clan. They had past ancestors that were legendary in name and immortalized by the world. Feared by the forces of evil and brought glory to the forces of good and brought hope to the unfortunate. Names such as Eniliir Lightcinder the famous Paladin, he fought for the forces of good and brought an end to the age of strife, his most heroic feat was his self less sacrfices to finally vanquish an evil Lich King seated upon his Zombie Dragon leading his forces of Undead and ending his reign. Another Heroic Lightcinder is Siledoah Lightcinder the famous wizard who brought an end to an evil Tyrant with her loyal summons of celestial creatures to aid her. she rode through with her allied forces upon a Pegasus and overthrew his evil regime and spread the teachings of magic upon the land. There was much more Legendary figures (but I am digressing from the point) The prophecy of the Lightcinders was that on: One of a few occassional generations would always speak one being born into the family and impact the land in a Great way. So it was always assumed that all great members born would be always Good. Now we finally come across Alair Lightcinder.... Alair always outcasted himself from his family even though his family loved him. He felt that there was a greater purpose for himself that what he had now was not enough.He was cold and enjoyed his solitude and he was seen as the black sheep of the family and this grew some concern with the family elders. He met a Human Rogue who Alair grew a bond with and the Rogue took him in as an apprentice and trained secretly in the art of stealth by a human rogue who usually passed by the village and learned all of the rogue tricks at a young age even combat skills that used stealth and skill. His family discovered Alair being trained by a Human and were outraged which let the elders to decide to take action to finally separate Alair from the Human rogue and exiled him from the village for teaching one of their own their Tainted art. After which Alair honed on these skills in secret and spent the rest of his spare time learning in the great family library halls the secrets of his past family history and discovered something that would forever change him. He discovered that in his family there was an ancestor who was the son of a villainous sorceress called Alanina Darkfallen who practiced in the Dark Arts of Necromancy to attain the status of a Lich and it began apparent to him that she was the one who taught a young necromancer apprentice and it began apparent that this young Necromancer was the Lich King that was the cause of the age of strife and betrayed his mentor. How these clans have fallen to each other is a mystery that was never answered... These secrets were of Great interest into Alair that he grew obsessed into learning the secrets and keeping them to himself. He delved deeper into the family Library and noticed some chests with locks upon them, It was fortunate that Alair was a knack at Lock picking so he opened a chest to see torn pages what seem to be some of the books that seemed to belonged in the family library since it had some of the familiar handwriting from some of the books he has read. Upon these pages would greatly inspire Alair... It seemed the Eniliir had a twin brother named Logil and that he was a paladin too. Unfortunately Logil committed an act that would betray the order and he would become a Black Guard and make pact with demons. He would face several encounters against his brother and it seems that they both met their "apparent" ends at the end of the Age of Strife and it seemed that Eiliir had sacrificed himself finishing off the Lich King and Logil had somehow locked himself in a hidden fort in by a lake and forest surronded by a mist that will not let up and guarded by monsters and demons. Logil is locked in the deepest sanctum of the fort mumbling in an incomprehensible phrase "em evigrof lliw riiline" as time has made him insane and possibly immortal due to a curse by the demons in his pact... Alair scrambled to the papers to read more and came across the name of Tunil Blackcinder an infamous rogue greater than Logil and Alanina. Tunil managed to steal a fabled runestone guarded by the Celestials in Plane inaccessible by mortal means. It was until Tunil was fabled the King of Bandits as he could steal anything even the stars if he sets his mind to it. With this fabled runestone he managed to create an item of great power that set him to attain the greatest treasures and magic items with his loyal magic Dog that appeared whenever Tunil needed him. It seemed that no one could capture the King of Bandits. Until one day a group of powerful wizards and sorcerers set a clever trap and lured Tunil with a rare mystical gem that would grant one to walk as ghosts at will. This definitely attracted Tunil and eventually set foot into a clever magic trap that the wizards concocted and finally captured the king of bandits. He was securely taken to the Authorities which they demanded where he hid the Item that granted him power and also how he magically summon a black dog out of nowhere and all the treasure he has stolen. He smiled and told him " I have clues hidden across the land onto where you can find my magic items and I will tell you where the first clue where ,the pieces of a 5 part map that will never deteriorate to the effect of time, you can find it at a mountain whose base appears like that of a Dragon's head if you look at it the right way..." He laughed maniacally and was eventually banished by a group of powerful wizards into an unknown corner of a pocket plane where time never passes by and cursed to stay on this plane for eternity. Many rogues, theives, and scoundrels search but could never find the fabled mountain and eventually it was all thought of as a concocted to make a last laugh against the authorities. Eventually it was set on as a myth the fabled Alair read on and wondered why he or his other siblings were never told about their darker kin and went on to seek with the Elders of the Family. Alair finally asked the Elders and demanded why were their Dark Kin kept secret from him. The Elders were shocked to hear the names of the Infamous ones come from Alair's mouth and were furious that he read on the forbidden books of the family library. Two of Alair's siblings grabbed him to take him lock him in a room, but Alair was not going down without a fight. With great ease Alair eluded their grasp and punched one of his brothers the other took out a club and swung at him and Alair dodges with great ease and tripped him. Suddenly a booming voice erupted and Alair found himself and he could not move. It was one of the Elders which paralyzed Alair with his spell. He Forbid Alair to ever go back into the Library and ordered his brother to burn the forbidden books so that the world will never be reminded of the Infamous dark leaves of the family tree of the Lightcinders. This infuriated Alair and was to be locked in his quarters until a punishment was to be decided by the Elders. Alair began to despise his family for what they have done to him. Only to seek knowledge and embrace his Darker kin. Alair then noticed a package that was left for him and it seem like it was from the human rogue... with a note written "Though you have only become a teenager in your years I am close to my end of my time and I leave it to the next generation to impact the world. I leave you with these gifts of my trusty items that have never let me down in my adventures. of a shortsword, punching dagger, and a special potion that gives you temporary immunity to any magic. It seems that you are unhappy and only you can change that I trust you will greatly impact the world in your own way, Farewell Alair." Alair looked at the items and thought to himself that the only way out to find out to see if he was worthy of being the same status of infamy as Tunil Blackcinder he knew what he had to do. He waited until the middle of the night and prepared himself, he opened the lock of his quarters and quietly let himself out. One of his brothers noticed this action and went to stop him as he arrived, Alair quickly jabbed him with his punching dagger and the brother looked at his wound only to notice a blade come upon him and be enveloped by darkness. Alair noticed the blood on his hands and felt some sort of satisfaction it was a feeling that he had never felt before. He felt that he knew where he was heading and went off...He would kill the rest of the members of his family by his blade, before he entered the sanctum of the Elders he ingested the potion and barged in by kicking the door. The Elders were shocked that Alair has committed such an atrocious act and that the only way that he would be dealt with was Death. The Elders prepared their spells and threw fireballs at Alair, He flinched but only noticed that the fireball did not affect him as it dissipated as it touched him. The potion worked and Alair gave a sinister smile and slew the Elders. The great elder was still alive but mortally wounded, Alair approached the Elder and told him that he has willingly forsaken his clan and adopted the surname Shadowcinder instead of Lightcinder. Then beheaded the elder with a quick swipe of his sword. A shriek pierced the Sanctum Alair turned around and noticed his younger sister as she was devastated to see such an act committed by a member of the family. She noticed the laying remains of the Elders and rage engulfed the young elf as she grabbed a nearby sword and charged blindly at Alair. Alair easily avoided the attack and punched her in the guy with his bare fist knocking the breath out of her. Alair demanded her name and the young elf gave him a piercing look of hatred for him and said Elendess Lightbringer and remarked with a spit on his face. Alair gave a dirty look at her and slapped her across the face as she hit the ground. Alair said this to her, "You are pathetic and it is not worth a challenge for my skill. If you wish to avenge your clan grow stronger for I will not hold back upon you and I expect a great fight from you one day. To make sure you remember I will make a reminder that will surely make an impact on you." Alair took out his punching dagger and carved an 'X' upon her right eye, Elendess screamed in pain and tears came out as well as blood. He looked at her with a sinister face and told her, "I am relinquished the name Lightcinder and I shall be known as Alair Shadowcinder, to fully understand why I have done these acts try to figure out who these people are." Alair threw a scroll and it was a list of the infamous members of the family written on it. Alair left in the village in the middle of the night to begin his quest for the hidden item that his ancestor Tunil has hidden for all these years and see for himself if he is worthy of attaining notoriety and that he will do anything to achieve it and nothing would get in his way for getting it. So I want to know what you guys think. Maybe some edits, changes, critics, praises, anything on what you guys think about this. Please remember to answer the questions above. thank you for your time and consideration.
Lacdannan 12-01-07, 03:44 PM	Please remember to answer the questions above. What questions above? you don't have a single question mark in the entire post. Comments: Your story isn't bad. If this is a written story you intend on providing the DM, you may want to edit it for run-on's and sentence structure. Logil's words are entirely too easy to decifer and it really takes away from the story. I've had to collect some vitreous humor (eyeball fluid) in my line of work and while I'm not sure (as I never have tried, nor ever would), I believe it would be impossible to mark an "X" on someones eye without...well to be blunt....poking a hole in it, causing it to defate like a water balloon, rendering it useless and entirely unsuitible to bear a mark. Perhaps an "X" across her face, putting out her eye, would be more realistic? The interaction with Alair and his sister is a bit hokey. Why would he ask her name if she is his sister? Was he wanting her to claim to be a Shadowcinder? Overall I don't know. I found myself saying over and over to myself "well isn't that convenient"...a sure sign its a bit cliche.
LadyLindis 12-02-07, 02:21 AM	Lacdannan's advice is identical to mine so I won't bother reperting it. But I do have one bit of advice: There is no way you can "X" the eyeball... no way at all, the orb would indeed pop and she would lose the eye. Maybe you should have him mark her eyelid, cheek, hairline, back of hand...but the actual eye is unrealistic.