Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Aladdar 07-14-05, 10:45 AM	I'm trying a different approach. Everyone in the group will be handed the first few pages of my character's journal. It hints at who he is, where he came from, and why he's adventurining. There will also be a sheet of course with my physical description, etc... But let me know if this hints enough at my character. I don't want to give too much away as he's going to be the mysterious character. Of course they'll figure it out quickly, but it might be fun and I'll still play him grasping for truth. Anyways, here it is, the first few pages of his diary. "The Hollow Fields of wars gone by The ghoul that follows in the night Are not so foul as starless skies These lights that fill my souls dark plight." Curse... my... birth... Curse the day I felt the mark. Curse my soul to the depths of the night. I... am... dead... Dying, whithered on the inside. My heart still beats but the grief is gone. Replaced by numbness deeper than death itself. I am who I am, the killer of dreams, of joy, of hope. I am undone. I seek for light, for laughter to once again envelope me, but I find only darkness. Misery. Frustration. Peace is too violent to grasp, too hard to control, too distant to be achieved. Who am I? Why am I? What will I become? I sit alone, mumbling, seeking for an answer... But I find none. ------------------------------ You are confused? aye, it seems so. I do not deny it. Count me in with your lot. I am Illian Martel, a man who has lost the desire to hope. A shell of my former self. But I shall go on, I shall endure. I have no other choice but to die, but death is not as easy a challenge to take. I fear it, I shy away, I run from the final rest. So you have not run I see, have not turned your face from me. Do you desire to know me more? To plumb the depths of my soul? Seek, it is open. Listen, you may learn. ------------------------------ I was once a happy child, the village pet it seemed. Smiles, laughter, joy followed my every movement. My family was worthy, worthy of the joy they posessed and radiated as the sun itself. Why were they cursed with me? I killed them, drove them into the grave as well as if I had done it with my own two hands. I did not of course, but I did it as well as any man ever could have. It was the night I first grasped my "gift" as we called it. I was 13, things had begun to change. I had begun to feel the currents of the world in a way many will never know. It was as if I could reach out and touch things that could not be seen, to control them at times. I grasped it and manipulated things, events, situations that most would not think possible. I killed all who I loved. I rained fire upon all who breathed that night. They are as dead as my soul feels. And yet he felt I could be redeemed? That I could find the path to redemption. Where would I go, what would I find? To find myself he said. I laughed, I am lost. You believe, you insist? ... Fine, where must I begin? ... To the East he said... I will find it when the time is right? His words had best hold true. ----------------------------- For the first time I sat and allowed myself to dream of a life beyond my misery. A light seemingly within grasp, miles away, but burning for the first time. I awoke and rose, leaving behind all but my walking stick and my journal. For the first time I... I hoped... And took my first steps towards my destiny. ----------------------------- (And so begins the first pages of Illian Martel's Journal, "The Tales of The Prodigal".)
Need_A_Life 07-14-05, 11:39 AM	Ah, it's good. Probably an undead, a person who was not born undead but turned and killed his entire family while under the control of whatever being turned him. He is quiet, looking for answers that none will find, this search has driven him mad beyond mortal comprehension, it is rarely evident that he is insane however, for he is smart and baffle the ordinary mortal with all he has realized in his quiet contemplation. Vampire would be a fair guess, if I'm right try to look at Vampire: The masquerade, they have a vampire clan called malkvalkian, they're basically insane vampires by their blood itself (when a childe is spawned the racial madness is transferred) and they gain power from it but this insight alienate themselves from normal people.
Aladdar 07-14-05, 12:07 PM	That's a little too literal reading of him. Maybe I'm too obscure. What I'm planning on playing is a human sorceror. He's in hiding living as a hermit deep in some cave. When his powers manifested themselves first he was thrilled with them, but as he knew not how to control them he burned his small village down. So he ran, blaming himself for their death and became a hermit. For some reason one night he was visited by a cloaked visitor who hid in the shadows. He was sent to bring Illian out of hiding, to quit blaming himself and to find himself so that he could reach his destiny. So Illian has hope for the first time that he may find he is more than a family killer.
Aladdar 07-14-05, 12:09 PM	your interpretation was interesting as well. Something I might consider.
zioth 07-14-05, 01:42 PM	From a writer's standpoint, I'd change this: "I killed them, drove them into the grave as well as if I had done it with my own two hands. I did not of course, but I did it as well as any man ever could have." to: "I killed them, drove them into the grave." His entire conciousness is wrapped around this guilt from burning his village down, so I don't think he'd be making excuses in his journal. Of course, the other players may take it literally, but that makes it all the more fun. :) Otherwise, it's nice. It does indeed give a picture of the character you want to create.
Aladdar 07-14-05, 03:10 PM	hmmm, I see what you're saying. I was trying to convey that he did it with his mind and not killed them with his hands but I see your point.
Pryrates 07-14-05, 05:47 PM	More graphic descriptions about the grizzly act would be my suggestion. Have more details about fire pouring from his hands and mouth and consuming his family. Describe his mothers painful screams, his brothers blackened body, or his own attempts to stop the flow of destruction and the feeling of helplessness at being able to do nothing to end the horror. On the other hand if your going for "Mysterious" that might give away a bit too much, but id still describe the pain of killing your own family and such a bit more....You might want to talk more about his self imposed exile in the mountains as well.
Aladdar 07-14-05, 05:58 PM	Is this better? "The Hollow Fields of wars gone by The ghoul that follows in the night Are not so foul as starless skies The lights blinked out, my soul has died." ---------------------------- Curse... my... birth... Curse the day I felt the mark. Curse my soul to the depths of the night. I... am... dead... Dying, whithered on the inside. My heart still beats but the grief is gone. Replaced by numbness deeper than death itself. I am who I am, the killer of dreams, of joy, of hope. I am undone. I seek for light, for laughter to once again envelope me, but I find only darkness. Misery. Frustration. Peace is too violent to grasp, too hard to control, too distant to be achieved. Who am I? Why am I? What will I become? So I sit alone, mumbling, seeking for an answer... But I find none. ------------------------------ You are confused? I would say so. I do not deny it. Count me in with your lot. I am Illian Martel, a man who has lost the desire to hope. A shell of my former self. But I must go on, I shall endure. I have no other choice but to die, but death is not as easy a challenge to take. I fear it, I shy away, I run from the final rest. So you have not run I see, have not turned your face from me. Do you desire to know me more? To plumb the depths of my soul? Seek, it is open to you. Listen, you may learn. ------------------------------ I was once a happy child, the village pet it seemed. Smiles, laughter, joy followed my every movement. My family was worthy, worthy of the joy they posessed and radiated as the sun itself. Why were they cursed with me? I killed them, drove them into the grave. It was my sin that did them in, my cursed mark on the world. Damnation is my lot. I remember it as vividly as if it were yesterday. To my mind it was. The scene plays out day in and day out a repeat performance in my tortured dreams. I cannot erase it, though many times have I tried. My terrible curse, to live with their blood on my hands, a vivid painting of my destiny. I had begun to develop a "gift" as mother called it. Life had changed. I could feel the currents of the world in a way many will never know. It was as if I could reach out and touch the very fabric of life, to even control them at times. I grasped and manipulated things, events, situations that most would not think possible. I was enthralled, infatuated with my newfound power. My gift. My cursed gift, I would rather I had never been born. The night was cool, a breeze flowed through my open window carrying the laughter of my sister as she ran about the farm. The smell of roasted lamb filtered through the house, mother's laughter danced about as my father took her in his arms. It was a night any family would envy until my curse brought it all down around us, For I killed them, I killed them all. The image of my lifeless sister outside my window, my mother and father broken on the floor will haunt me till I breathe no more. I despise my very breath. Deathbringer, hopebreaker, Cursed soul of the dawn. Take my misery from me. I rained death and destruction upon all who breathed that night. They are as dead as my soul. And yet he felt I could be redeemed? That I could find the path to redemption? Where would I go? what would I find? To find myself he said. I laughed, I am lost. Yet he believed, he insisted ... Fine. Where must I begin? ... To the East he said... I will find it when the time is right. His words had best hold true. ----------------------------- For the first time I sat and allowed myself to dream of a life beyond my misery. A light seemingly within grasp, miles away, but burning for the first time. I awoke and rose, leaving behind a shell of a man, reborn. For the first time I hoped... And took my first steps towards my destiny. ----------------------------- (And so begins the first pages of Illian Martel's Journal, "The Tales of The Prodigal".)
Pryrates 07-14-05, 07:34 PM	Id say so but as I posted earlier it looses that whole mysterious character aspect. From reading that just about anyone can tell that your a spellcaster of some sort who killed his family on accident. Plus the fact that it was an accident and make no note of special training it becomes obvious that your certainly not a wizard and most likely a sorcerer. But those critisisms aside i think its an excellent idea and very well written.
Aladdar 07-14-05, 09:18 PM	I'm going to work on a few drafts from several different angles until I find the one I like. I may talk it over with my DM and get his opinion. The suggestions here have been great. Thanks.
Need_A_Life 07-15-05, 04:21 AM	Personally I like the 1st version best, it kept one unaware of what the character was. The second leaves nothing to fantasy-
Aladdar 07-15-05, 11:31 AM	I may leave the second version cause I like a few of the changes and just cut this whole paragraph. I know not what happened, but it was my doing. Fire leapt from my hands, a dancer of death. It ran to the walls, fell from the heavens, and flew on the wings of the wind. The image of my sister shrivelled and smoldering outside my window, my mother and father broken on the floor will haunt me till I breathe no more.
zioth 07-15-05, 04:39 PM	I may leave the second version cause I like a few of the changes and just cut this whole paragraph. I know not what happened, but it was my doing. Fire leapt from my hands, a dancer of death. It ran to the walls, fell from the heavens, and flew on the wings of the wind. The image of my sister shrivelled and smoldering outside my window, my mother and father broken on the floor will haunt me till I breathe no more. I agree with the sentiment. While it's a nice paragraph, it does remove some of the mystery. Another paragraph you might reconsider is the one beinning, "I know not what happened, but it was my doing." The phrase "I know not what happened" is a sign that he's pushing at least part of the blame on some mysterious force, while the rest of the vignette implies that he feels all the blame is his. If you remove that sentence, the reader is no longer sure whether this was an accident or something intentional that he's come to feel very guilty about. The nice thing is, the accident explanation is not ruled out. Another minor point -- you might consider changing "They are as dead as my soul feels," to "They are as dead as my soul." Whether his soul is really dead is yet to be learned, but he no doubt thinks it is. The line is nice. He spends all this time pouring his heart out, and then claims he has no soul.
Aladdar 07-15-05, 07:33 PM	I like it. The paragraph you suggested I cut as well was the one I said I might cut, so already got that. I see what you're saying about the sould part, I agree, it's too wordy. That's a problem I often have when writing. I edited my last post of the journal in the post a few posts above and I think it works much better. Any final criticism before I hand this to my DM for me to work out some plot hooks with him?
Cloud Clone 07-17-05, 01:24 AM	The whole thing just screams "emo" in bold. I think it would be a better idea for your quasi maybe-undead mystery character to not write in a pink diary every night. If you want a mystery guy, have him be a mystery guy that's never solved. Because Unolved Mysteries was a PWNing TV show.
letsbefrank 07-18-05, 12:31 PM	I must say when i read the 1st one i was thinking either undead or spell fire weilder. Unless there aren't many sourcerers in your setting i don't think its going to take long for anyone to work it out. Also how are you planning to get everyone to be looking in your diary. I mean the rogue okay but if you've got any LG, LN types they aren't going to be going through your stuff.
Aladdar 07-18-05, 04:43 PM	My DM says he has a way to have it found. The guess from what I've got over a few conversations is that they will initially find me unconscious on the side of the road, near death, nearly starved. I will have the diary in my hands and will have begun scribing something as I passed into unconsciousness. I actually have an old worn journal that I'll be writing many of these things in and he'll then hand the journal to them to peruse in person. I don't anticipate that it will take them long to decipher that I'm a sorceror, and I don't really mind. It's just an interesting way to do the character intro. My character will continue to journal during our campaign as he is hoping to find what it is he is searching for and by writing his thoughts, maybe he can clear them.
Zorminster 07-19-05, 09:22 AM	something you may consider for RP character development purposes- you say "i despise my very breath"; thats got some RP potential- not like, suicidal or anything, but something...more devilish... Silence. Play your character with deathly silence and a disregard for communication. As an end to this, see if you can work with your dm for a version the silent spell metamagic that dosnt take up a slot higher to do it- you dont want to be hit with the nerf stick. Perhaps change it to like Metamagic: Whisper Spell This feat allows you to cast spells with a verbal component nearly silently. You still must faintly mutter the verbal component, but it as but a whisper on the wind and cannot be heard by anyone except those within 1' of you. The spell does NOT take up a slot of level+1. silience abilities and spells still stop casting unless you have the Silent Spell feat. Thatd definately add to your mystery to ya. You may also consider trying to avoid your magic for a good while- like, until your in dire need use a bow. We had a psionicist in a campaign that had us all thinking he was a bard until we sundered his flute and he didnt particularly care / notice:P
Aladdar 07-19-05, 10:28 AM	one of the rp ideas I had was that he would be afraid of his powers for a while and will only use them in a dire pinch. I'd also have an intentionally reduced charisma score that would restore itself over the first few levels. If he has say, a 17 in charisma I'm going to lower that to about 14 or 15 for the first level and have him gain his charisma over the next few levels as well. The DM likes that idea as well. That way he can develop from a character who is unsure of himself but grows into his powers.
madpiper 07-22-05, 08:22 AM	a couple of things, I actually prefer the first draft and this is why, because at first you are led to believe that you are some kind of undead creature. You killed your family due to uncontrolled powers, but you can kill in other ways than fire right? To me, from a writing point of view, it is a lot of fun to be led down one path of assumption only to be showed a completely different, logical explanation but unexpected none-the-less. To increse this view, you could be pale and unhealthy looking,(living in a dark cave and malnutrition) So you mostly move around at night (to avoid your guilt and meeting the people you have hurt). This all increases the myth of undead or vampirism. Since it is a small village that you are from you could use superstition taught at your village as an explanation of your powers. "A spirit descended on me that night, and gave me his blessing, a curse that cost the lives of my family. All I can remember from the night my soul was taken, were the painful screams of my mother and sister and my father begging for his life" Again, a paragraph along these lines, increase the vampire myth but allow it to still be explained as sorcerer magic. Now your life quest is to seek a cure for your infection (vampirism) but really it seeks the cure for your madness and redemption for your soul. Here is a last example: "He said, "East lies the cure" the shadowy spirit told me. Now instead of gray nothingness in my future there is a small fingerflame of hope. The maybe of tommorrow that will cure my of this dark blessing" I do not know the level, you are starting at but for flavor you taylor your powers to imitate vampirism or be a warlock. Just some thoughts, over all your writing is really good and I hope you will sharpen those skills.