Need to see if background is decent PEACH [Archive] - Wizards Community

Need to see if background is decent PEACH [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
shogunboy0
02-05-08, 11:42 PM This is my only third time that I ever had to write a character bio for a campaign, and I been reject five times due to my grammer, and shortness (and that my DM is picky and an a-hole). The question is, do I need to change anything with sentence structure, grammer, or maybe swapping ideas? By the way, I am currently playing a Binder 1, and post if you need any more infomation.

Thokul Fletcher is a portly short nineteen year male old binder from the merchant city of Darelun. He is a Chondathan, and features brown eyes, hazel hair color, and short, frizzy hair. His skin is of a light hue, and slightly rough when touched. His nose is perfectly straight, and has a couple scars on his nose. His face is youthful, his eye do not have any sign of tiredness, and hair growing from his chin. He as a scar on his eye where his brother accidentally slammed the door on Thokul, and he were heavily bleeding dark liquid. Norkas told his parents that Thokul was dying, and Norkas was told to get a cleric to treat Thokul’s wound. After a bit of time, a cleric of Lathander quick resolve the issue, and immediately bandage up Thokul’s wound while healing him to stop the bleeding. After his parents resolve the price of healing Thokul, his mother scolds Norkas about not being careful with the door, and his dad told him not do it again. Thokul at first was angry at Norkas, but soon forgave him for his actions.

He seems an intelligent, curious, and outgoing man who hungers for forgotten knowledge. When studying, Thokul is usually single-minded, and does not pay attention to the world around him. At first, he behaves as a more of a teenager than an adult. Rebellious at first, he does agree with topics after a long time of proving to him that Thokul’s ideas are wrong. The idea of “trying harder” to Thokul is a foreign idea, because of his tendency to be lazy. He is currently overcoming the fact that he is the lazy one in the family. As the help of his parents shop, he found ways to make his workload easier by cutting steps, or by bribing his friends to do his work. His initial reaction when he sees love is usually trying to impress her with his fast talk, and witty charm that he has from his father. When Thokul has the day off from work, he goes for long walks around the city and loves to see the art of dueling. When choosing what to wear for the day, he prefers to wear clothing based on how hot or cold outside of his house. Simple clothing with durability is Thokul preference to how he dresses.

Thokul’s parents are both Merchants, currently struggling with selling their wares. His parents usually sell wares that adventurers usually use for their adventures. His dad was once a bard who adventured with his friends around faerun, and his mother was together when they were adventurers. After twenty years of traveling, they decided to retire from adventuring, and decided to open a shop to raise a family. Thokul has one order brother named Norkas, and recently found work as a guard in Thokul’s hometown, and now currently struggling to get by as a guard. Norkas once made a bet with Thokul that he couldn’t even survive for the first two years outside of his house. Thokul often gets books from his parents as birthday presents. The reason that Thokul wants to adventurer is to see the world, explore dungeons, and wanted to experience that the characters in his books were exposed to.

His view on strength is, not every situation requires strength, but your mind to solve the problems. Toughness to him is an important factor in life in order to survive in this world. Life to him is predetermined by birth, life, and then death. As for races, he learned from others that you should welcome those who have gold. Though Thokul took the view as a given, he occasionally pity those who can not get back on their feet due to things that they couldn’t control. Thokul does not believe any gods, even though his religious friends tried to convert him to their gods. Thokul believed gods would only slow those who learned pact magic. Instead, Thokul views the vestiges as his gods, and one day would become a god himself. He is aware that vestiges live in a place where even reality does not have any bounds on the vestiges themselves, and only can be brought back in a pact.

Thokul became a binder is his curiosity getting the best of him and after going to the black market to buy the books. He practiced on how to bind a soul from another dimension to his body. How he wanted to be a binder is due to the recent rumors of people trying to summon things that weren’t from this dimension. His ultimate goal as a bind is to become a vestige, and to be remembered as a great hero of his lifetime.
Mysteria
02-06-08, 03:27 AM You're mixing physical description, character description and background in your post.

Also, the order in which you describe it is somewhat odd.

- You start talking in much detail about his physical looks. (description)

- Then you go on a long tangent about your brother breaking your nose. (background)

- Then pass to his outlook on life. (character)

- Then come back to describing his clothes. (description)

- And only then you get around to describing his family. (background)

- Then back to his views again. (character with some background mixed in)

- Then to a second motive to adventure that seems to be at odd with the first one. (character? background?)

I hope you see what I mean. It comes off as messy.

Also, what do you see with: "If he sees love ... etc." I take it you mean "an attractive woman he could fall in love with"?

Also, what is his alignement? He definitely sounds greedy, maybe enough to push him over to evil if the right occasion presents itself.

p.s. and use a spell checker if your DM complains about spelling.
shogunboy0
02-06-08, 07:01 PM My dm complains on grammer more because words is better at spelling errors than grammer, and thank you for the suggestion kind sir. My character is True Neutral.
Mysteria
02-07-08, 05:08 PM So, how does it look like now? :) Post please. :)

True neutral for now, but I sense a tendency to slip to NE if circumstances are right. ;)

p.s. I'm a woman. ;)
shogunboy0
02-07-08, 07:10 PM Oh, I am sorry about that, the internet is harder for me to tell who is who sometimes. Right now, the background is being check by a friend for now.

After making sure that the background was in your way of formating backgrounds. This is the rough look so far.

Thokul Fletcher is a portly short nineteen year male old binder from the merchant city of Darelun. He is a Chondathan, and features dark wooden brown eyes, hazel hair color with tan highlights, and short, frizzy hair. His skin is of a light hue, and slightly rough to the touch. His nose is perfectly straight, and has a couple tiny scars on his nose. His face is youthful, his eyes do not have any sign of tiredness, and hair is growing from his chin. He seems an intelligent, curious, and outgoing man who hungers for forgotten knowledge. A Charismatic man, he is able to lie to his own dad, easily able to get discounts, and find information in matter of minutes. When studying, Thokul is usually single-minded, and does not pay attention to the world around him. At a first look, he behaves as a more of a teenager than an adult. Rebellious at first, he does agree with topics after a long time of proving to him that Thokul’s ideas are wrong. The idea of “trying harder” to Thokul is a foreign idea, because of his tendency to be lazy. He is currently overcoming the fact that he is the lazy one in the family. As the help of his parents shop, he found ways to make his workload easier by cutting steps, or by bribing people to do his work. His initial reaction when he sees love at first sight is usually trying to impress her with his fast talk, and witty charm that he has from his father.

He as a scar on his eye where his brother accidentally slammed the door on Thokul, and he were heavily bleeding blood. Norkas told his parents that Thokul was dying, and Norkas was told to get a cleric to treat Thokul’s wound. After a bit of time, a cleric of Lathander quick resolve the issue, and immediately bandage up Thokul’s wound while healing him to stop the bleeding. After his parents resolve the price of healing Thokul, his mother scolds Norkas about not being careful with the door, and his dad told him not do it again. Thokul at first was furious at Norkas, but soon forgave him for his mistake.

His view on strength is, not every situation requires strength, but your mind to solve the problems. Toughness to him is an important factor in life in order to survive in this world. Life to him is predetermined by birth, life, and then death. As for races, he learned from others that you should welcome those who have gold. Though Thokul took the view as a given, he occasionally pity those who can not get back on their feet due to things that they couldn’t control. Thokul does not believe any gods, even though his religious friends tried to convert him to their gods. Thokul believed gods would only slow those who learned pact magic. Instead, Thokul views the vestiges as his gods, and one day would become a god himself. He is aware that vestiges live in a place where even reality does not have any bounds on the vestiges themselves, and only can be brought back in a pact.

Thokul’s parents are both Merchants, currently struggling with selling their wares. His parents usually sell wares that adventurers usually use for their adventures. His dad was once a bard who adventured with his friends around faerun and his mother was a rogue at the time of adventuring. After twenty years of traveling, they decided to retire from adventuring, and decided to open a shop to raise a family. Thokul has one older brother named Norkas, and recently found work as a guard in Thokul’s hometown, and now currently being paid well. Norkas once made a bet with Thokul that he couldn’t even survive for the first two years outside of his house. Thokul often gets books from his parents as birthday presents. The reason that Thokul wants to adventurer is to see the world, explore dungeons, and wanted to experience that the characters in his books were exposed to.

Thokul became a binder is his curiosity getting the best of him and after going to the black market to buy the books. He practiced on how to bind a soul from another plane to his body. How he wanted to be a binder is due to the recent rumors of people trying to summon things that weren’t from this dimension. His ultimate goal as a bind is to become a vestige, and to be remembered as a god of his lifetime. Now currently self-learning, he has yet to find a master of pact magic to teach him.
Mysteria
02-08-08, 02:31 PM What I'm missing:
- names for his parents
- a bit more on his parents: are they kind, stern, loving, ... ?
- a bit more on his brother: is he even-tempered, hard-working ... ?
- some more events from his life
- What does he usually wear?
- What sort of equipment does he carry? (Once he starts his adventuring career.)

Background

Thokul Fletcher is a portly nineteen year male old binder from the merchant city of Darelun. He is a Chondathan and his parents are both merchants, currently struggling with selling adventuring gear. Both his parents were in fact adventurers themselves in their youth. His dad was a bard who travelled far and wide around Faerun with his mother, who was a skilled rogue. After twenty years of traveling, they decided to retire from adventuring and to open a shop to raise a family.

They had two children, Norkas, the eldest, and Thokul. They did get along quite well, but on one occasion, Norkas slammed a door into Thokul’s face, knocking him unconscious. He was also bleeding heavily from a wound above his eye. Scared, Norkas ran off to tell his parents that Thokul was dying and was told to get a cleric to treat Thokul’s wound. A cleric of Lathander quickly resolved the issue by bandaging up Thokul’s wound and healing him to stop the bleeding. After his parents resolve the price of healing Thokul, his mother scolded Norkas about not being careful with the door, and his dad told him not do it again. Thokul was at first was furious at Norkas, but soon forgave him for his mistake. To this day however, he has a scar over his left eye where the door hit him.

Norkas has recently found work as a guard in Thokul’s hometown and is being paid well. Norkas once made a bet with Thokul that he couldn’t even survive for the first two years outside of his house. Thokul is in fact the lazy one in the family. Even though he currently helps his parents with their shop, he always finds ways to make his workload easier by cutting steps, or by bribing people to do his work.

Thokul would much rather see the world and explore forgotten ruins, just like the heroes in the books he got as birthday presents from his parents. Curiosity also drove Thokul to become a binder. After several recent rumors of people trying to summon things that weren’t from this dimension, he came across a book dealing with binding vestiges, which he found on the black market. Ever since, he has practiced how to bind a soul from another plane to his body on his own, while he waits to find a master of pact magic to teach him.

Personality

Thokul is an intelligent, curious, and outgoing man who hungers for forgotten knowledge. He is very charismatic and adept at lying, even to his own father, and easily able to get discounts or find a piece of information in matter of minutes. His initial reaction when he sees “love at first sight” is usually to try to impress her with fast talk and a witty charm that he has from his father. When studying, Thokul is usually single-minded, and does not pay attention to the world around him. Often, he still behaves more like a teenager than an adult. His first reaction to criticism if often outrage and it is very hard to convince him that his ideas are wrong. Outside his studies, the idea of “trying harder” is a foreign idea to Thokul. If there is a way to get around doing his work, or getting someone else to do it for him, he will take it, even resorting to bribes if necessary.
He believes that not every situation requires brute strength, but that many problems can be solved by a quick mind and the right amount of gold. In fact, he firmly believes that gold goes a long way to get you accepted in society, whatever your race. Thokul strongly believes that everybody is responsible of his own fate, although he occasionally pities those who can not get back on their feet due to circumstances beyond their control.
Thokul does not believe in any gods, even though some of his more religious friends tried to convert him to their gods more than once. Instead, Thokul views the vestiges as his gods and one day he hopes to become a vestige and thus a god himself.

Appearance

Thokul has dark brown eyes and frizzy, hazel hair with tan highlights that is cut short. He has fair skin that is slightly rough to the touch. His face is youthful, with the beginning of a beard on his chin. He has a couple of tiny scars on his otherwise perfectly straight nose. He also has a scar over his left eye, where his brother accidentally slammed a door on Thokul.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
shogunboy0 02-05-08, 11:42 PM	This is my only third time that I ever had to write a character bio for a campaign, and I been reject five times due to my grammer, and shortness (and that my DM is picky and an a-hole). The question is, do I need to change anything with sentence structure, grammer, or maybe swapping ideas? By the way, I am currently playing a Binder 1, and post if you need any more infomation. Thokul Fletcher is a portly short nineteen year male old binder from the merchant city of Darelun. He is a Chondathan, and features brown eyes, hazel hair color, and short, frizzy hair. His skin is of a light hue, and slightly rough when touched. His nose is perfectly straight, and has a couple scars on his nose. His face is youthful, his eye do not have any sign of tiredness, and hair growing from his chin. He as a scar on his eye where his brother accidentally slammed the door on Thokul, and he were heavily bleeding dark liquid. Norkas told his parents that Thokul was dying, and Norkas was told to get a cleric to treat Thokul’s wound. After a bit of time, a cleric of Lathander quick resolve the issue, and immediately bandage up Thokul’s wound while healing him to stop the bleeding. After his parents resolve the price of healing Thokul, his mother scolds Norkas about not being careful with the door, and his dad told him not do it again. Thokul at first was angry at Norkas, but soon forgave him for his actions. He seems an intelligent, curious, and outgoing man who hungers for forgotten knowledge. When studying, Thokul is usually single-minded, and does not pay attention to the world around him. At first, he behaves as a more of a teenager than an adult. Rebellious at first, he does agree with topics after a long time of proving to him that Thokul’s ideas are wrong. The idea of “trying harder” to Thokul is a foreign idea, because of his tendency to be lazy. He is currently overcoming the fact that he is the lazy one in the family. As the help of his parents shop, he found ways to make his workload easier by cutting steps, or by bribing his friends to do his work. His initial reaction when he sees love is usually trying to impress her with his fast talk, and witty charm that he has from his father. When Thokul has the day off from work, he goes for long walks around the city and loves to see the art of dueling. When choosing what to wear for the day, he prefers to wear clothing based on how hot or cold outside of his house. Simple clothing with durability is Thokul preference to how he dresses. Thokul’s parents are both Merchants, currently struggling with selling their wares. His parents usually sell wares that adventurers usually use for their adventures. His dad was once a bard who adventured with his friends around faerun, and his mother was together when they were adventurers. After twenty years of traveling, they decided to retire from adventuring, and decided to open a shop to raise a family. Thokul has one order brother named Norkas, and recently found work as a guard in Thokul’s hometown, and now currently struggling to get by as a guard. Norkas once made a bet with Thokul that he couldn’t even survive for the first two years outside of his house. Thokul often gets books from his parents as birthday presents. The reason that Thokul wants to adventurer is to see the world, explore dungeons, and wanted to experience that the characters in his books were exposed to. His view on strength is, not every situation requires strength, but your mind to solve the problems. Toughness to him is an important factor in life in order to survive in this world. Life to him is predetermined by birth, life, and then death. As for races, he learned from others that you should welcome those who have gold. Though Thokul took the view as a given, he occasionally pity those who can not get back on their feet due to things that they couldn’t control. Thokul does not believe any gods, even though his religious friends tried to convert him to their gods. Thokul believed gods would only slow those who learned pact magic. Instead, Thokul views the vestiges as his gods, and one day would become a god himself. He is aware that vestiges live in a place where even reality does not have any bounds on the vestiges themselves, and only can be brought back in a pact. Thokul became a binder is his curiosity getting the best of him and after going to the black market to buy the books. He practiced on how to bind a soul from another dimension to his body. How he wanted to be a binder is due to the recent rumors of people trying to summon things that weren’t from this dimension. His ultimate goal as a bind is to become a vestige, and to be remembered as a great hero of his lifetime.
Mysteria 02-06-08, 03:27 AM	You're mixing physical description, character description and background in your post. Also, the order in which you describe it is somewhat odd. - You start talking in much detail about his physical looks. (description) - Then you go on a long tangent about your brother breaking your nose. (background) - Then pass to his outlook on life. (character) - Then come back to describing his clothes. (description) - And only then you get around to describing his family. (background) - Then back to his views again. (character with some background mixed in) - Then to a second motive to adventure that seems to be at odd with the first one. (character? background?) I hope you see what I mean. It comes off as messy. Also, what do you see with: "If he sees love ... etc." I take it you mean "an attractive woman he could fall in love with"? Also, what is his alignement? He definitely sounds greedy, maybe enough to push him over to evil if the right occasion presents itself. p.s. and use a spell checker if your DM complains about spelling.
shogunboy0 02-06-08, 07:01 PM	My dm complains on grammer more because words is better at spelling errors than grammer, and thank you for the suggestion kind sir. My character is True Neutral.
Mysteria 02-07-08, 05:08 PM	So, how does it look like now? :) Post please. :) True neutral for now, but I sense a tendency to slip to NE if circumstances are right. ;) p.s. I'm a woman. ;)
shogunboy0 02-07-08, 07:10 PM	Oh, I am sorry about that, the internet is harder for me to tell who is who sometimes. Right now, the background is being check by a friend for now. After making sure that the background was in your way of formating backgrounds. This is the rough look so far. Thokul Fletcher is a portly short nineteen year male old binder from the merchant city of Darelun. He is a Chondathan, and features dark wooden brown eyes, hazel hair color with tan highlights, and short, frizzy hair. His skin is of a light hue, and slightly rough to the touch. His nose is perfectly straight, and has a couple tiny scars on his nose. His face is youthful, his eyes do not have any sign of tiredness, and hair is growing from his chin. He seems an intelligent, curious, and outgoing man who hungers for forgotten knowledge. A Charismatic man, he is able to lie to his own dad, easily able to get discounts, and find information in matter of minutes. When studying, Thokul is usually single-minded, and does not pay attention to the world around him. At a first look, he behaves as a more of a teenager than an adult. Rebellious at first, he does agree with topics after a long time of proving to him that Thokul’s ideas are wrong. The idea of “trying harder” to Thokul is a foreign idea, because of his tendency to be lazy. He is currently overcoming the fact that he is the lazy one in the family. As the help of his parents shop, he found ways to make his workload easier by cutting steps, or by bribing people to do his work. His initial reaction when he sees love at first sight is usually trying to impress her with his fast talk, and witty charm that he has from his father. He as a scar on his eye where his brother accidentally slammed the door on Thokul, and he were heavily bleeding blood. Norkas told his parents that Thokul was dying, and Norkas was told to get a cleric to treat Thokul’s wound. After a bit of time, a cleric of Lathander quick resolve the issue, and immediately bandage up Thokul’s wound while healing him to stop the bleeding. After his parents resolve the price of healing Thokul, his mother scolds Norkas about not being careful with the door, and his dad told him not do it again. Thokul at first was furious at Norkas, but soon forgave him for his mistake. His view on strength is, not every situation requires strength, but your mind to solve the problems. Toughness to him is an important factor in life in order to survive in this world. Life to him is predetermined by birth, life, and then death. As for races, he learned from others that you should welcome those who have gold. Though Thokul took the view as a given, he occasionally pity those who can not get back on their feet due to things that they couldn’t control. Thokul does not believe any gods, even though his religious friends tried to convert him to their gods. Thokul believed gods would only slow those who learned pact magic. Instead, Thokul views the vestiges as his gods, and one day would become a god himself. He is aware that vestiges live in a place where even reality does not have any bounds on the vestiges themselves, and only can be brought back in a pact. Thokul’s parents are both Merchants, currently struggling with selling their wares. His parents usually sell wares that adventurers usually use for their adventures. His dad was once a bard who adventured with his friends around faerun and his mother was a rogue at the time of adventuring. After twenty years of traveling, they decided to retire from adventuring, and decided to open a shop to raise a family. Thokul has one older brother named Norkas, and recently found work as a guard in Thokul’s hometown, and now currently being paid well. Norkas once made a bet with Thokul that he couldn’t even survive for the first two years outside of his house. Thokul often gets books from his parents as birthday presents. The reason that Thokul wants to adventurer is to see the world, explore dungeons, and wanted to experience that the characters in his books were exposed to. Thokul became a binder is his curiosity getting the best of him and after going to the black market to buy the books. He practiced on how to bind a soul from another plane to his body. How he wanted to be a binder is due to the recent rumors of people trying to summon things that weren’t from this dimension. His ultimate goal as a bind is to become a vestige, and to be remembered as a god of his lifetime. Now currently self-learning, he has yet to find a master of pact magic to teach him.
Mysteria 02-08-08, 02:31 PM	What I'm missing: - names for his parents - a bit more on his parents: are they kind, stern, loving, ... ? - a bit more on his brother: is he even-tempered, hard-working ... ? - some more events from his life - What does he usually wear? - What sort of equipment does he carry? (Once he starts his adventuring career.) Background Thokul Fletcher is a portly nineteen year male old binder from the merchant city of Darelun. He is a Chondathan and his parents are both merchants, currently struggling with selling adventuring gear. Both his parents were in fact adventurers themselves in their youth. His dad was a bard who travelled far and wide around Faerun with his mother, who was a skilled rogue. After twenty years of traveling, they decided to retire from adventuring and to open a shop to raise a family. They had two children, Norkas, the eldest, and Thokul. They did get along quite well, but on one occasion, Norkas slammed a door into Thokul’s face, knocking him unconscious. He was also bleeding heavily from a wound above his eye. Scared, Norkas ran off to tell his parents that Thokul was dying and was told to get a cleric to treat Thokul’s wound. A cleric of Lathander quickly resolved the issue by bandaging up Thokul’s wound and healing him to stop the bleeding. After his parents resolve the price of healing Thokul, his mother scolded Norkas about not being careful with the door, and his dad told him not do it again. Thokul was at first was furious at Norkas, but soon forgave him for his mistake. To this day however, he has a scar over his left eye where the door hit him. Norkas has recently found work as a guard in Thokul’s hometown and is being paid well. Norkas once made a bet with Thokul that he couldn’t even survive for the first two years outside of his house. Thokul is in fact the lazy one in the family. Even though he currently helps his parents with their shop, he always finds ways to make his workload easier by cutting steps, or by bribing people to do his work. Thokul would much rather see the world and explore forgotten ruins, just like the heroes in the books he got as birthday presents from his parents. Curiosity also drove Thokul to become a binder. After several recent rumors of people trying to summon things that weren’t from this dimension, he came across a book dealing with binding vestiges, which he found on the black market. Ever since, he has practiced how to bind a soul from another plane to his body on his own, while he waits to find a master of pact magic to teach him. Personality Thokul is an intelligent, curious, and outgoing man who hungers for forgotten knowledge. He is very charismatic and adept at lying, even to his own father, and easily able to get discounts or find a piece of information in matter of minutes. His initial reaction when he sees “love at first sight” is usually to try to impress her with fast talk and a witty charm that he has from his father. When studying, Thokul is usually single-minded, and does not pay attention to the world around him. Often, he still behaves more like a teenager than an adult. His first reaction to criticism if often outrage and it is very hard to convince him that his ideas are wrong. Outside his studies, the idea of “trying harder” is a foreign idea to Thokul. If there is a way to get around doing his work, or getting someone else to do it for him, he will take it, even resorting to bribes if necessary. He believes that not every situation requires brute strength, but that many problems can be solved by a quick mind and the right amount of gold. In fact, he firmly believes that gold goes a long way to get you accepted in society, whatever your race. Thokul strongly believes that everybody is responsible of his own fate, although he occasionally pities those who can not get back on their feet due to circumstances beyond their control. Thokul does not believe in any gods, even though some of his more religious friends tried to convert him to their gods more than once. Instead, Thokul views the vestiges as his gods and one day he hopes to become a vestige and thus a god himself. Appearance Thokul has dark brown eyes and frizzy, hazel hair with tan highlights that is cut short. He has fair skin that is slightly rough to the touch. His face is youthful, with the beginning of a beard on his chin. He has a couple of tiny scars on his otherwise perfectly straight nose. He also has a scar over his left eye, where his brother accidentally slammed a door on Thokul.