Testing shock value - first impression on this wall-of-text monologue? [Archive] - Wizards Community

Testing shock value - first impression on this wall-of-text monologue? [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
KIDS
11-26-07, 07:19 PM This (spoiler) is an opening piece of background for a new character I've made. Please do not be afraid of the wall of text without many dots inside, it is intentional and done so to give the impression of a hurried, urgent monologue. In case anyone is wondering, I am certain that Michael Clayton (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Clayton_(film)) had some influence on this but that came to me only after I wrote the thing. I would like to hear some of your comments after you have read it and I will explain below it about the character. Thank you for your time. :)

Shhhhh. Silence, little one. Peace. I know that you are afraid. It is natural. I am afraid too. Listen to me. I know that this is confusing you. Do not think that this is madness, a delusion, a hallucination, a dream, a wild, fevered dream, because it is not, you are not dreaming and this is truly happening. Where else could I have gone? There was this maelstrom, a fierce, crackling field of dark fire on an endless plane of shifting darkness, covered in ash, shrouded by smoke, this great, endless, eternal land of dark memories and corrupting scents. My brothers were dying and The Nameless was there, cloaked with glory, awash in blood, teeth gnashing and snarling as they lay dying, and I knew that I could not stand to him. The Nameless, The Betrayer, The Devourer, this horrid creature of swirling darkness, the avatar of all that is unholy, more powerful than my brethren, towering over the fallen like a sign of doom. His gaze fell over me and it was like a burning whip, like a searing bolt plunged into my heart, horrible, primal, fearsome, whispering of the End and its desire to devour me. And do you know what I did? I took a deep, cleansing breath and told myself as foul and deadly this creature is, as dead as my comrades are, as horrible and burning this land is, it is not the End. Not yet. Not then. Not now. And I shook off these burning eyes and a veil seemed to be lifted from me and up there behind The Nameless there was a sparkle, Light, Rainbow, Sun, Redemption, Hope, Sol. In this land of darkness, there was still sun in the sky, shining through ash and as clear in my eyes as you are. And there were you. A flicker of light, a silhouette under the rainbow, there were you, perfect in your form and as full of hope as this shining sun and as young as a dawn. I left myself behind and hurried, passed through the gates and closer to you while The Nameless observed me with vengeful eyes. And no no no no no no, do not say anything yet, this must be terrible to you, at least a terrible surprise, but please listen to my words consider them as they have been told recall this tale as horrid as it was and have mercy, here here what is my name you ask, it is Aharu, my name is Aharu and you little one are called Tivelya you have been kind of me and have listened and I am still here and it means something to me to you to everyone and you cannot yet imagine what we can do together but I can. I knew when I saw this sun the first time that I would not be alone and that this prophecy told to me at my birth has long been unfulfilled, that when it whispered to me I did not believe it and always laid it down to rest for some more. And here I am, here are you, and Tivelya, the time is now.

Questions: (these are just guidelines, you can answer in whatever format you like. Even if you didn't read things in order, I still appreciate your thoughts.)

a) first impression? (word, emotion, lost you, confused, sentimental, pathetic, situation...)
b) do you feel that the wall of text conveyed the urgent monologue well? (technique)
c) whom did you think the speaker to be?

Elaborating on the character:
The character in question is Tivelya d'Alaris, a female human NG Sorceress 1. She has 1 flaw (Vulnerable) and 3 Celestial Sorcerer Feats from PHB2 (Heritage, Wings, Lance) and a hawk familiar. Her ability could perhaps be better represented with Divine Companion from Complete Champion but the book is not allowed.
Anyways, this story above was about a Celestial spirit merging with her at the moment of her birth and at the same time a battle in Acheron which is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy and part of the reason why she has all the celestial and sun/rainbow themed powers. This is just background and not the adventure plot - the DM is entirely free to build upon this or not as he pleases. This is later explained in her proper background (the top of her CS online is occupied with the monologue if it helps).

So two more questions I would like your input on:

a) now that you know the story as it should be, does it match the above monologue or you had some entirely other impression?
b) is the idea in itself pathetic or maybe too divine for a level 1 character? I realize people might be loathe to "tell me how to play my character", don't worry about it and just speak freely if you have any advice on what I should change to make it more believable or make the monologue convey its message better.

As to why I'm writing this... well, I'm trying to deduce how much value do "shock tactics" have as a literary technique, both in character backgrounds and out of them.
LadyLindis
11-26-07, 07:59 PM (My answers are in order as the questions were asked.)

My first impression was intrigue, my thoughts were; who/what is this being, who is he speaking too and what's going to happen next?

Yes, I think that text wall conveyed urgency very well.

I thought he was both a male and probably a Dragon of some sort. XD

It does, I always assume dragons are involved so don't mind that impression. ^^

I dunno...how much power is Aharu going to grant her?

Also, good stuff so far. ^^
Sorry for not having much else to add...
Bluto
11-27-07, 12:10 PM To be honest, this lost me in the first three or four sentences. I had to go back and reread to get any meaning at all. The repetive use of synonyms was quite distracting to me. " madness, a delusion, a hallucination, a dream, a wild, fevered dream / sparkle, Light, Rainbow, Sun, Redemption, Hope, Sol"

I don't know if I got urgency, so much as a breathless, hurried way of speaking - like a half insane ramble.

My first impression - someone with a mental disorder, rambling away - possibly staring off into space, folding and unfolding a piece of paper randomly while doing it!

Ok, enough negativity. The character concept is great - I love the background, and you write very well. This is a spirit of a holy being merging - why is the speech so hurried? Could a very similar monologue not happen in a calming, or joyous fashion? - The first line of the speech is meant to be a calming line for the child during birth, but then it becomes this fast paced whirlwind of speech. Imagine doing that to a young child, it would be a frightening experience.

I guess my opinion is, if I were to take on a similar character I would try and emphasize the happier parts of the merge, with less darkness and mystery - you can't be gloomy with sun and rainbow themed powers!
KIDS
11-28-07, 04:56 PM I admit I kind of expected a larger sample for statistical analysis (ok ok kidding) but anyways, thanks for the replies. As to what is this power Aharu can grant her, well we can say sorcery as whole though sorcery is not always linked to wandering spirits, but in specific the immunity to mind control by evil creatures (Protection from Evil), spectral wings (Celestial Sorcerer Wings) and a cone of light that destroys evil creatures (Celestial Sorcerer Lance).

Though I could of course be delving too much into symbolism here but I read the text three times since I posted and each time I got a different impression from it. Now Bluto does have a point on it, I only need to decide if it is something that I want. One note worth mentioning though, I was afraid of ending with an "I this, I that" sequence of retelling the event.

Anyways, I am thinking that I'll leave it in wall of text format but try to come up with an alternate, "coherent" version, emphasizing at least a happy "ending". Since I have to yet start playing her seriously I guess I can leave that and other memories for there. Hopefully the DM will take up the offer of an interplanar plot device...

Thanks for your help! :)

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
KIDS 11-26-07, 07:19 PM	This (spoiler) is an opening piece of background for a new character I've made. Please do not be afraid of the wall of text without many dots inside, it is intentional and done so to give the impression of a hurried, urgent monologue. In case anyone is wondering, I am certain that Michael Clayton (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Clayton_(film)) had some influence on this but that came to me only after I wrote the thing. I would like to hear some of your comments after you have read it and I will explain below it about the character. Thank you for your time. :) Shhhhh. Silence, little one. Peace. I know that you are afraid. It is natural. I am afraid too. Listen to me. I know that this is confusing you. Do not think that this is madness, a delusion, a hallucination, a dream, a wild, fevered dream, because it is not, you are not dreaming and this is truly happening. Where else could I have gone? There was this maelstrom, a fierce, crackling field of dark fire on an endless plane of shifting darkness, covered in ash, shrouded by smoke, this great, endless, eternal land of dark memories and corrupting scents. My brothers were dying and The Nameless was there, cloaked with glory, awash in blood, teeth gnashing and snarling as they lay dying, and I knew that I could not stand to him. The Nameless, The Betrayer, The Devourer, this horrid creature of swirling darkness, the avatar of all that is unholy, more powerful than my brethren, towering over the fallen like a sign of doom. His gaze fell over me and it was like a burning whip, like a searing bolt plunged into my heart, horrible, primal, fearsome, whispering of the End and its desire to devour me. And do you know what I did? I took a deep, cleansing breath and told myself as foul and deadly this creature is, as dead as my comrades are, as horrible and burning this land is, it is not the End. Not yet. Not then. Not now. And I shook off these burning eyes and a veil seemed to be lifted from me and up there behind The Nameless there was a sparkle, Light, Rainbow, Sun, Redemption, Hope, Sol. In this land of darkness, there was still sun in the sky, shining through ash and as clear in my eyes as you are. And there were you. A flicker of light, a silhouette under the rainbow, there were you, perfect in your form and as full of hope as this shining sun and as young as a dawn. I left myself behind and hurried, passed through the gates and closer to you while The Nameless observed me with vengeful eyes. And no no no no no no, do not say anything yet, this must be terrible to you, at least a terrible surprise, but please listen to my words consider them as they have been told recall this tale as horrid as it was and have mercy, here here what is my name you ask, it is Aharu, my name is Aharu and you little one are called Tivelya you have been kind of me and have listened and I am still here and it means something to me to you to everyone and you cannot yet imagine what we can do together but I can. I knew when I saw this sun the first time that I would not be alone and that this prophecy told to me at my birth has long been unfulfilled, that when it whispered to me I did not believe it and always laid it down to rest for some more. And here I am, here are you, and Tivelya, the time is now. Questions: (these are just guidelines, you can answer in whatever format you like. Even if you didn't read things in order, I still appreciate your thoughts.) a) first impression? (word, emotion, lost you, confused, sentimental, pathetic, situation...) b) do you feel that the wall of text conveyed the urgent monologue well? (technique) c) whom did you think the speaker to be? Elaborating on the character: The character in question is Tivelya d'Alaris, a female human NG Sorceress 1. She has 1 flaw (Vulnerable) and 3 Celestial Sorcerer Feats from PHB2 (Heritage, Wings, Lance) and a hawk familiar. Her ability could perhaps be better represented with Divine Companion from Complete Champion but the book is not allowed. Anyways, this story above was about a Celestial spirit merging with her at the moment of her birth and at the same time a battle in Acheron which is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy and part of the reason why she has all the celestial and sun/rainbow themed powers. This is just background and not the adventure plot - the DM is entirely free to build upon this or not as he pleases. This is later explained in her proper background (the top of her CS online is occupied with the monologue if it helps). So two more questions I would like your input on: a) now that you know the story as it should be, does it match the above monologue or you had some entirely other impression? b) is the idea in itself pathetic or maybe too divine for a level 1 character? I realize people might be loathe to "tell me how to play my character", don't worry about it and just speak freely if you have any advice on what I should change to make it more believable or make the monologue convey its message better. As to why I'm writing this... well, I'm trying to deduce how much value do "shock tactics" have as a literary technique, both in character backgrounds and out of them.
LadyLindis 11-26-07, 07:59 PM	(My answers are in order as the questions were asked.) My first impression was intrigue, my thoughts were; who/what is this being, who is he speaking too and what's going to happen next? Yes, I think that text wall conveyed urgency very well. I thought he was both a male and probably a Dragon of some sort. XD It does, I always assume dragons are involved so don't mind that impression. ^^ I dunno...how much power is Aharu going to grant her? Also, good stuff so far. ^^ Sorry for not having much else to add...
Bluto 11-27-07, 12:10 PM	To be honest, this lost me in the first three or four sentences. I had to go back and reread to get any meaning at all. The repetive use of synonyms was quite distracting to me. " madness, a delusion, a hallucination, a dream, a wild, fevered dream / sparkle, Light, Rainbow, Sun, Redemption, Hope, Sol" I don't know if I got urgency, so much as a breathless, hurried way of speaking - like a half insane ramble. My first impression - someone with a mental disorder, rambling away - possibly staring off into space, folding and unfolding a piece of paper randomly while doing it! Ok, enough negativity. The character concept is great - I love the background, and you write very well. This is a spirit of a holy being merging - why is the speech so hurried? Could a very similar monologue not happen in a calming, or joyous fashion? - The first line of the speech is meant to be a calming line for the child during birth, but then it becomes this fast paced whirlwind of speech. Imagine doing that to a young child, it would be a frightening experience. I guess my opinion is, if I were to take on a similar character I would try and emphasize the happier parts of the merge, with less darkness and mystery - you can't be gloomy with sun and rainbow themed powers!
KIDS 11-28-07, 04:56 PM	I admit I kind of expected a larger sample for statistical analysis (ok ok kidding) but anyways, thanks for the replies. As to what is this power Aharu can grant her, well we can say sorcery as whole though sorcery is not always linked to wandering spirits, but in specific the immunity to mind control by evil creatures (Protection from Evil), spectral wings (Celestial Sorcerer Wings) and a cone of light that destroys evil creatures (Celestial Sorcerer Lance). Though I could of course be delving too much into symbolism here but I read the text three times since I posted and each time I got a different impression from it. Now Bluto does have a point on it, I only need to decide if it is something that I want. One note worth mentioning though, I was afraid of ending with an "I this, I that" sequence of retelling the event. Anyways, I am thinking that I'll leave it in wall of text format but try to come up with an alternate, "coherent" version, emphasizing at least a happy "ending". Since I have to yet start playing her seriously I guess I can leave that and other memories for there. Hopefully the DM will take up the offer of an interplanar plot device... Thanks for your help! :)