Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere [Archive] - Wizards Community

Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
cairpre
03-02-08, 05:43 PM LVL 24 Human "warlord"

I call Grimskye a "warlord" because of his versatility in battle. His presence on the front makes him a formidable foe, and his knowledge of war and tactics make him a nearly unbeatable force. To bad he only claims allegiance to the gold he earns. This is his monologue before the Three Seas War in the campaign I'm playing in. This monologue is due by 3/10

"Birthed from the loins of steel and tang, forged to life in the mists of battle stand before you as a champion of war. Those who know thy name, see no mercy in thy heart, and shall never hear surrender from my tongue. The hordes to the North call me a barbarian, to the mongrels to the east I am knight of death and slaughter. I am a savior blessed with the kings love in the south, and a victor in the slaves western gladiator rings.

I am a mercenary, knight, gladiator, warrior, champion, fighter, warlord. Hear my heed, and march into a glorious victory the bards will tell tale for thousands of years. To embrace this battle is to welcome, immortality! I Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere will lead you men to the edge of the sea to fight for your women, your children, your homes, and your lives. We will march into victory with Kord and Pelor by our sides, and strike down thy entities which approach us so..."

That’s all I’ve got so far... I need a little bit of help.
I_roll_ones
03-02-08, 05:58 PM You need to edit for grammar, and take out some purple prose, in my opinion. Less on the "I AM UBER!" business, and more of...What the heck is he? A warforged fighter? Human warblade? Elven Ranger? Half-orc Barbarian?
cairpre
03-02-08, 06:12 PM You need to edit for grammar, and take out some purple prose, in my opinion. Less on the "I AM UBER!" business, and more of...What the heck is he? A warforged fighter? Human warblade? Elven Ranger? Half-orc Barbarian?

I typed it up the way i need to speak it..

annd, he thinks he is uber. No one knows what he is, other than some sort of merc. He looks older than what he is.

This is what his scribe wrote of him for an autobiography (before he fired him)

"He is a burly man with unkempt hair, a dwarven beard complete with beads and jewelry. Dressed in warn full plate armor and covered with pelts and furs, he has a hearty laugh and an apatite for war.

This is the legend of Valimorne Grimskye Olenmere. Born from the loins of steel and tang into the fires of battle Vladimorne was destined to wage wars of all magnitudes.

His armor covers the scars he gloats of over evening meal and mead while the furs are hunting trophies to cover the holes and weaknesses of his armor.

Mounted on his plated war horse Scyees, two bastard swords hang from the saddle and a great axe clangs on his shield as he rides forth."

Fact is, Grimskye is a multiclassed charecter, and prestiged. He is renowned as a warlord. The best leader of armies that any name has known. And his ego is big, he feels he is the best, and acts that way. His only defeats were before level 14 (which was complete F'n luck..)

I just need help on the i'm so conceded and lets march to victory.. you'd have to understand the charecter before you tell me to tone him down.
I_roll_ones
03-02-08, 06:45 PM Oh, so he's saying it? Then how is he standing? How is he talking? What gestures is he making? How does he react to the listener? How does he commonly seem to the audience?

Well, you have to be able to see him. Or his armor at least, unless he likes to wander around in a moving area of darkness? What CAN be seen?

Makes more sense if he is saying it, but you still need some details.

And fix tang. I don't know what tang is, and I honestly don't know what you were aiming for.
cairpre
03-02-08, 07:36 PM a tang is the angled tip of a sword which determines its entire curve.

VGO, is mounted on a horse, yelling his monolouge infront of an army of thousands. Pacing back and forth his dull armor looks more radiant today and the pelts over his shoulders are enhancing his face.

His swords are still scabbared, shield in hand and with excitement in his voice he begins to inspire the army infront him.

VGO loves war, loves himself, loves to command an army.

What else do you need to know? He is going up against an army full of savage species creatures, and misc. monsters with low intelligence. A force that as far as he knows is larger than his, but less intelligent.
Neveroth
03-02-08, 08:23 PM And you need help with what exactly?
cairpre
03-02-08, 08:38 PM writing more. i'm shooting for 6 - 8 minutes, lol. my GM likes to give us projects to work on. I need VGO to say more, and i'm looking for more to add.
Neveroth
03-02-08, 09:17 PM Then tell us more about the battle and its participants.

When trying to hold a rousing speech, focusing on praising yourself usually ends up not only failing to inspire, but also coming off as, well, obnoxious.

You need to say more about your people's reasons for fighting, and attempt to somehow convince the individual within the larger whole that he can make a difference, and that he possesses the strength and courage to stand up for himself and send his enemies running.

You need them to feel stronger and more determined than ever. You need to make them realize, that for that one day, even the simple farmer can be a hero who rewrites the history of your world. You need to get them to put petty rivalries aside, and to march and fight as one in perfect unison.

I'm sure you understand what I mean. Just add a few more lines pertaining to the battle itself rather than yourself, and don't overdo it. There is a fine balance between a good, well rounded speech, and a boring rant that goes on and on and on... If you have to choose, err on the side of caution and make it short. Powerful, straight to the point, sets the mood, action.

P.S.
I think you're using the word 'thy' wrong.
Drackthor
03-03-08, 03:13 AM "Men! Before you stands a thousand savage races that hungers for your flesh! Thrice-damned curs who jump at the sight of their own shadows! They may be stupid, but they want to destroy our beloved homelands. Our women, our children, killed or enslaved! So then, should we step aside and let them march on our loved ones? Never! We will stand firm, we will stand strong, and we will stand united! They may come at us with numbers unheard of, but we will hold the line! They may scream their vulgar, savage curses, but we will hold the line! And you will know that you have held the line, as you crush the skull of the last filthy creature that plagues these lands! To War!"

Just a suggestion.
Giradius
03-03-08, 12:04 PM I personally like the purple prose.

Somebody here likes gravitas and dramatics and I am right with you on that one, D&D should be about powerful characters (by powerful I mean possess strong personalities), When I play I am known to monologue quite a bit and speak very much in character (even putting on voices where possible).
My FR Thayan Red Wizard (former Zulkir) Jalazar Voss was always speaking like this.

Its also good to see people still make serious characters of the old school, there are too many anime inspired comic book style characters floating about on these forums.
He strikes me a little bit as a more civilized Conan type, Perhaps what Conan would be like if you took him out of his antedeluvian setting and placed him into a medieval Fantasy.

I will contribute shortly but I write this as I am on my Ravenloft game.

Nice work.
I_roll_ones
03-03-08, 07:09 PM Purple prose is not the same as good or descriptive writing, however. And if you need 6-8 minutes, don't just say what he says. Who is behind him? What do the other players see? How does he stand/act? Describe the legends of him.
Neraagile
03-03-08, 09:34 PM LVL 24 Human "warlord"

I call Grimskye a "warlord" because of his versatility in battle. His presence on the front makes him a formidable foe, and his knowledge of war and tactics make him a nearly unbeatable force. To bad he only claims allegiance to the gold he earns. This is his monologue before the Three Seas War in the campaign I'm playing in. This monologue is due by 3/10

"Birthed from the loins of steel and tang I agree with I_roll_ones, the word itself lacks power
forged to life in the What do you mean by forged to life? Use another word, or put it somewhere else otherwise it makes him sound like a warforged
mists of battle stand before you as a champion of war. Those who know
thy name, see no mercy in thy if he's talking about himself this makes no sense, Thy is your
heart, and shall never hear surrender from my tongue. The hordes to the North call me a barbarian, to the mongrels to the east I am knight of death and slaughter. I am a savior blessed with the kings love in the south, and a victor in the slaves western gladiator rings. Theres something wrong with this part, I don't like it....
I am a mercenary, knight, gladiator, warrior, champion, fighter, warlord. Too much ... try saying it, he loses momentum, half it. I am a Mercenary, Gladiator, Champion... I am, a Warlord.. maybe?
Hear my heed Hear my heed?!? thats new... Heed is the same as hear..., and march into a glorious victory the bards will tell tale for thousands of years. To embrace this battle is to welcome, immortality! I Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere will lead you men to the edge of the sea to fight for your women, your children, your homes, and your lives. We will march into victory with Kord and Pelor by our sides,Pelor?!? what the heck does he have to do with war? Heironious or something, please
and strike down entities that is a pretty weak/neutral word in such a heated speech.... this entire thing is supposed to rally the hordes behind him not make them think "yeah.... I suppose we could...."
which approach us so..."

overall it's a good speech. but it is still lacking a bit... Try actually speaking the thing.

"Men! Before you stands a thousand savage races that hungers for your flesh! Thrice-damned curs who jump at the sight of their own shadows! They may be stupid, but they want to destroy our beloved homelands. Our women, our children, killed or enslaved! So then, should we step aside and let them march on our loved ones? Never! We will stand firm, we will stand strong, and we will stand united! They may come at us with numbers unheard of, but we will hold the line! They may scream their vulgar, savage curses, but we will hold the line! And you will know that you have held the line, as you crush the skull of the last filthy creature that plagues these lands! To War!"

Use some of this, its actually pretty decent, but take into consideration that he should not be ridiculling his opponents, there is nothing glorious in a battle against the weak....
Heres my take on it.

"Birthed from the loins of steel, bred for the fields of slaughter, raised in the mists of battle. I stand before you as a champion of war.To the mongrels to the east I am the scarlet knight of death and slaughter, to the hordes of the North I am a barbarian. I am a victor in the western gladiator pits and I have earned the blessings of kings of the south. I am a mercenary, a gladiator, a champion. I am a warlord.
Know, that we fight not just for glory, nay we fight for our women, our children, our homes, and we will fight for our lives. We will be the envy of the gods themselves. One thing I forgot for your part of the speech, he keeps saying "You"... it gives a better sense of Cameradarie if he is saying "we" and given that he is probably respected as a warrior by the people he is leading, they will feel better having him talking to them as equals.

Heed my words, as we march to glory. Bards will tell tales of our victory, till the end of time itself! To embrace this battle, is to welcome immortality!
Should we let the foul beasts coming at our doorstep, plunder our lands, kill our women and children and destroy everything we hold dear? NEVER! Spare NOONE, I Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere will lead you to the edge of the sea, where we will fight the vilest creatures this earth has ever seen. We shall strike down every last filthy savage that set foot on our shores, we will color the seas crimson! "
Haven't thought of more atm... but I'll se what I can figure out

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
cairpre 03-02-08, 05:43 PM	LVL 24 Human "warlord" I call Grimskye a "warlord" because of his versatility in battle. His presence on the front makes him a formidable foe, and his knowledge of war and tactics make him a nearly unbeatable force. To bad he only claims allegiance to the gold he earns. This is his monologue before the Three Seas War in the campaign I'm playing in. This monologue is due by 3/10 "Birthed from the loins of steel and tang, forged to life in the mists of battle stand before you as a champion of war. Those who know thy name, see no mercy in thy heart, and shall never hear surrender from my tongue. The hordes to the North call me a barbarian, to the mongrels to the east I am knight of death and slaughter. I am a savior blessed with the kings love in the south, and a victor in the slaves western gladiator rings. I am a mercenary, knight, gladiator, warrior, champion, fighter, warlord. Hear my heed, and march into a glorious victory the bards will tell tale for thousands of years. To embrace this battle is to welcome, immortality! I Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere will lead you men to the edge of the sea to fight for your women, your children, your homes, and your lives. We will march into victory with Kord and Pelor by our sides, and strike down thy entities which approach us so..." That’s all I’ve got so far... I need a little bit of help.
I_roll_ones 03-02-08, 05:58 PM	You need to edit for grammar, and take out some purple prose, in my opinion. Less on the "I AM UBER!" business, and more of...What the heck is he? A warforged fighter? Human warblade? Elven Ranger? Half-orc Barbarian?
cairpre 03-02-08, 06:12 PM	You need to edit for grammar, and take out some purple prose, in my opinion. Less on the "I AM UBER!" business, and more of...What the heck is he? A warforged fighter? Human warblade? Elven Ranger? Half-orc Barbarian? I typed it up the way i need to speak it.. annd, he thinks he is uber. No one knows what he is, other than some sort of merc. He looks older than what he is. This is what his scribe wrote of him for an autobiography (before he fired him) "He is a burly man with unkempt hair, a dwarven beard complete with beads and jewelry. Dressed in warn full plate armor and covered with pelts and furs, he has a hearty laugh and an apatite for war. This is the legend of Valimorne Grimskye Olenmere. Born from the loins of steel and tang into the fires of battle Vladimorne was destined to wage wars of all magnitudes. His armor covers the scars he gloats of over evening meal and mead while the furs are hunting trophies to cover the holes and weaknesses of his armor. Mounted on his plated war horse Scyees, two bastard swords hang from the saddle and a great axe clangs on his shield as he rides forth." Fact is, Grimskye is a multiclassed charecter, and prestiged. He is renowned as a warlord. The best leader of armies that any name has known. And his ego is big, he feels he is the best, and acts that way. His only defeats were before level 14 (which was complete F'n luck..) I just need help on the i'm so conceded and lets march to victory.. you'd have to understand the charecter before you tell me to tone him down.
I_roll_ones 03-02-08, 06:45 PM	Oh, so he's saying it? Then how is he standing? How is he talking? What gestures is he making? How does he react to the listener? How does he commonly seem to the audience? Well, you have to be able to see him. Or his armor at least, unless he likes to wander around in a moving area of darkness? What CAN be seen? Makes more sense if he is saying it, but you still need some details. And fix tang. I don't know what tang is, and I honestly don't know what you were aiming for.
cairpre 03-02-08, 07:36 PM	a tang is the angled tip of a sword which determines its entire curve. VGO, is mounted on a horse, yelling his monolouge infront of an army of thousands. Pacing back and forth his dull armor looks more radiant today and the pelts over his shoulders are enhancing his face. His swords are still scabbared, shield in hand and with excitement in his voice he begins to inspire the army infront him. VGO loves war, loves himself, loves to command an army. What else do you need to know? He is going up against an army full of savage species creatures, and misc. monsters with low intelligence. A force that as far as he knows is larger than his, but less intelligent.
Neveroth 03-02-08, 08:23 PM	And you need help with what exactly?
cairpre 03-02-08, 08:38 PM	writing more. i'm shooting for 6 - 8 minutes, lol. my GM likes to give us projects to work on. I need VGO to say more, and i'm looking for more to add.
Neveroth 03-02-08, 09:17 PM	Then tell us more about the battle and its participants. When trying to hold a rousing speech, focusing on praising yourself usually ends up not only failing to inspire, but also coming off as, well, obnoxious. You need to say more about your people's reasons for fighting, and attempt to somehow convince the individual within the larger whole that he can make a difference, and that he possesses the strength and courage to stand up for himself and send his enemies running. You need them to feel stronger and more determined than ever. You need to make them realize, that for that one day, even the simple farmer can be a hero who rewrites the history of your world. You need to get them to put petty rivalries aside, and to march and fight as one in perfect unison. I'm sure you understand what I mean. Just add a few more lines pertaining to the battle itself rather than yourself, and don't overdo it. There is a fine balance between a good, well rounded speech, and a boring rant that goes on and on and on... If you have to choose, err on the side of caution and make it short. Powerful, straight to the point, sets the mood, action. P.S. I think you're using the word 'thy' wrong.
Drackthor 03-03-08, 03:13 AM	"Men! Before you stands a thousand savage races that hungers for your flesh! Thrice-damned curs who jump at the sight of their own shadows! They may be stupid, but they want to destroy our beloved homelands. Our women, our children, killed or enslaved! So then, should we step aside and let them march on our loved ones? Never! We will stand firm, we will stand strong, and we will stand united! They may come at us with numbers unheard of, but we will hold the line! They may scream their vulgar, savage curses, but we will hold the line! And you will know that you have held the line, as you crush the skull of the last filthy creature that plagues these lands! To War!" Just a suggestion.
Giradius 03-03-08, 12:04 PM	I personally like the purple prose. Somebody here likes gravitas and dramatics and I am right with you on that one, D&D should be about powerful characters (by powerful I mean possess strong personalities), When I play I am known to monologue quite a bit and speak very much in character (even putting on voices where possible). My FR Thayan Red Wizard (former Zulkir) Jalazar Voss was always speaking like this. Its also good to see people still make serious characters of the old school, there are too many anime inspired comic book style characters floating about on these forums. He strikes me a little bit as a more civilized Conan type, Perhaps what Conan would be like if you took him out of his antedeluvian setting and placed him into a medieval Fantasy. I will contribute shortly but I write this as I am on my Ravenloft game. Nice work.
I_roll_ones 03-03-08, 07:09 PM	Purple prose is not the same as good or descriptive writing, however. And if you need 6-8 minutes, don't just say what he says. Who is behind him? What do the other players see? How does he stand/act? Describe the legends of him.
Neraagile 03-03-08, 09:34 PM	LVL 24 Human "warlord" I call Grimskye a "warlord" because of his versatility in battle. His presence on the front makes him a formidable foe, and his knowledge of war and tactics make him a nearly unbeatable force. To bad he only claims allegiance to the gold he earns. This is his monologue before the Three Seas War in the campaign I'm playing in. This monologue is due by 3/10 "Birthed from the loins of steel and tang I agree with I_roll_ones, the word itself lacks power forged to life in the What do you mean by forged to life? Use another word, or put it somewhere else otherwise it makes him sound like a warforged mists of battle stand before you as a champion of war. Those who know thy name, see no mercy in thy if he's talking about himself this makes no sense, Thy is your heart, and shall never hear surrender from my tongue. The hordes to the North call me a barbarian, to the mongrels to the east I am knight of death and slaughter. I am a savior blessed with the kings love in the south, and a victor in the slaves western gladiator rings. Theres something wrong with this part, I don't like it.... I am a mercenary, knight, gladiator, warrior, champion, fighter, warlord. Too much ... try saying it, he loses momentum, half it. I am a Mercenary, Gladiator, Champion... I am, a Warlord.. maybe? Hear my heed Hear my heed?!? thats new... Heed is the same as hear..., and march into a glorious victory the bards will tell tale for thousands of years. To embrace this battle is to welcome, immortality! I Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere will lead you men to the edge of the sea to fight for your women, your children, your homes, and your lives. We will march into victory with Kord and Pelor by our sides,Pelor?!? what the heck does he have to do with war? Heironious or something, please and strike down entities that is a pretty weak/neutral word in such a heated speech.... this entire thing is supposed to rally the hordes behind him not make them think "yeah.... I suppose we could...." which approach us so..." overall it's a good speech. but it is still lacking a bit... Try actually speaking the thing. "Men! Before you stands a thousand savage races that hungers for your flesh! Thrice-damned curs who jump at the sight of their own shadows! They may be stupid, but they want to destroy our beloved homelands. Our women, our children, killed or enslaved! So then, should we step aside and let them march on our loved ones? Never! We will stand firm, we will stand strong, and we will stand united! They may come at us with numbers unheard of, but we will hold the line! They may scream their vulgar, savage curses, but we will hold the line! And you will know that you have held the line, as you crush the skull of the last filthy creature that plagues these lands! To War!" Use some of this, its actually pretty decent, but take into consideration that he should not be ridiculling his opponents, there is nothing glorious in a battle against the weak.... Heres my take on it. "Birthed from the loins of steel, bred for the fields of slaughter, raised in the mists of battle. I stand before you as a champion of war.To the mongrels to the east I am the scarlet knight of death and slaughter, to the hordes of the North I am a barbarian. I am a victor in the western gladiator pits and I have earned the blessings of kings of the south. I am a mercenary, a gladiator, a champion. I am a warlord. Know, that we fight not just for glory, nay we fight for our women, our children, our homes, and we will fight for our lives. We will be the envy of the gods themselves. One thing I forgot for your part of the speech, he keeps saying "You"... it gives a better sense of Cameradarie if he is saying "we" and given that he is probably respected as a warrior by the people he is leading, they will feel better having him talking to them as equals. Heed my words, as we march to glory. Bards will tell tales of our victory, till the end of time itself! To embrace this battle, is to welcome immortality! Should we let the foul beasts coming at our doorstep, plunder our lands, kill our women and children and destroy everything we hold dear? NEVER! Spare NOONE, I Vladimorne Grimskye Olenmere will lead you to the edge of the sea, where we will fight the vilest creatures this earth has ever seen. We shall strike down every last filthy savage that set foot on our shores, we will color the seas crimson! " Haven't thought of more atm... but I'll se what I can figure out