What do you think of my Story! [Archive] - Wizards Community

What do you think of my Story! [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
kopala
09-21-07, 11:49 AM I have not checked it for grammar or spelling at all i just sat down and started writing. I am not looking to get ripped up by hate mail just if its a cool story. Maybe some things that i could add to make it better. Thanks all

Shared Fates

This stories beginning is woven into time some 250 years ago. Dorian Greycastle was born to a nameless man and women. He lived a uneventful life for the thirty years. In the last years of his life a plague broke out in his village. No one was ready for how fast the plague took lives, just snuffing them out one by one sometimes as quick as a night and they were gone from this world. Dorian saw most of his family die at least the ones that stayed in the Heartlands. His uncle moved his family away shortly before the plague ravaged the town. Many months later after the plague had for some unexplainable reason just ended a group of Holy Knights of the Triad came to town looking for evidence of fowl play. They had heard rumors that the plague was the work of foul magic and with the increase in undead in the area they had to investigate. One knight of Tyr and one knight of Torm and lastly a knight of Mystra. So there hunt started…..
The last thing that Dorian remembered was dieing in his bed with a Cleric of the Lord of the Dead at his side. He remembered thinking how chase and caules he was in the last rights of his death. He longed for some one that cared more and could have comforted him more in his last hours of life.
What came next was the worst and more horrifying thing he had ever thought could happen to him. As he stood there in the form of a Ghost watching his own body give out the last bit of life he was shocked to see the Cleric of the Dead summon two undead Ghouls to carry away his body. He followed them for as long as he could, they seem to be taking his body to the hills out side of his town. But before he could follow them all the way to there lair his sprit was summoned to the Dead Wells of Faerun. The Dead Wells were places where the sprits of the dead would be summoned to before the portal was opened to there place of judgment. For some time he waited there unable to leave, cents there was not passage of time that he could feel in this sprit state he had no way of knowing how long he was there.
Then with what seemed at first like a gentle song to his ears his sprit was being pulled by force away from the well. Dorian tried to fight it as soon as he felt that something was wrong. The great blackness swallowed him……….
As the blackness retreated he found him self cold and unmoving. He heard some one speaking in a tongue that he had never heard of before. His eyes opened and he saw him self in a natural room made of earth. Then terror like he had never known shot up in him. He saw a man wrapped in rages that seem to be moving about his body. He was standing over Dorian chanting. Magic was thick in the air. Dorian could feel that magic pumping into his body and changing things. Dorian found him self unable to move his body unable to run away even though his legs and heart wanted to run till they burned. Soon as it started it finished with the cloaked mage stepping back from him and commanding him to rise. He felt his body respond to this monster with out question. Dorian started to understand, this mage had raised Dorian as an undead monster to do his vile will. Dorian screamed and tried to command his limbs to wildly beat the man but nether sound or his limbs move. Dorian spent the next few weeks fighting as hard as he could but nothing worked this mage had control of him and he could not break it. What Dorian had to do for the next few weeks was nothing short of the blackest and darkest of things that his soul had ever seen and done. Then one night as his lifeless body stood there guarding his mage master a battle broke out. The mage was issuing orders to other undead and getting ready for a scrap. Dorian as ordered stood there and waited for any one to enter the room with out his masters ok. And that is just what happened; the door to the room was kicked in with a power that wrenched the metal hinges off the wall. In walked one by one three full metal clad warriors. No, not just warriors, Holy Knights! Dorian’s body could feel the holy power flowing off of them and assaulting his very essence. The mage gave the order and Dorian and his companion attacked. The Knights proved there worth ten times over as they held the mage at bay. One knight turned the wrath of his holy symbol on the other undead in the room and turned them all to dust. The mage came on strong now throwing spell after spell at the knights. Like rain on a well built house the spells bounced off the knights. With each spell thrown Dorian felt a bit more of control come back to him, he soon found him self just standing there not attacking and not moving. With all his will he was fighting the control of the mage. Soon the knights overcame the mage and ran a sword of fire in his gut along with a magical fist the size of a horse crushing him dead. Just then Dorian felt the control return and he spun around to see the knights moving towards him. He fell to his knees and begged with all that he was to be put out of his misery. The knights being good and holy saw the spark of the divine and knew that something was different with this undead monster. They were very unsure of what to do with this poor creature. They agreed to destroy this undead soul and each consult there gods in a prayer of one asking for them to restore this soul as he is good and just and a strong soul that would be a blessing to them a gift to the town for there kindness to the Knights. So in a ritual that is still unknown to many the gods gave a small fraction of there time to restored Dorian but not in a way that the knights were asking for. The gods took the soul and held it in static until they could use it later. That time came some 230 years later when they bargained for the soul of one of there greatest hero’s from the new Lord of the Dead, Kelemvor. Kelemvor saw this soul and knew that if he gave it life again that it would become a zealous defend of the dead and a passionate guide to the dieing. So the deal was signed and the souls exchanged. Kelemvor set to working with this clerics bringing Dorian back to life. Dorian was reborn and spent the next 10 years in service to a temple of Kelemvor learning the ways of the holy order of the dead. Then he moved on to find family and spread the word of Kelemvor. He found him self in the Merrydale, Dorian had learned that his uncle had moved to the far away town of Merrydale. Dorian decided to set up a temple in the area and live out his life with the family that never knew him. For many years Dorian lived a quiet and peaceful life in Merrydale he worked very hard in the Dale Country to preach the word of Kelemvor and show people that the Death god was not like the others. After many hard trials the people started to accept him as a friend and brother.
There is only so many days that a young man can dwell at his home before the bug of adventuring finds him. Dorian soon found him self seeking more and more adventuring. He took up working with the Knights of the North to help ebb the flow of Zent patrols and power in the lands. At one point he even ended up working with the Knights of the Shadowed Sword, and the Knights of the Eternal Order which is part of the church of Kelemvor. It was the work with Knights of the Eternal Order that sent him far away from the Dalelands. He ended up going to Rashemen to hunt down a small group of elite undead with other members of the order. It was in Rashemen that he ended up saving the life of one the Witches. Which in that land was the ruling class for there people. In return for saving her life the witch gave the life of her son to Dorian. Dorian not understanding what was really going on was about to decline this boon, but just then the guide that the Order had hired told Dorian that it would be a great dishonor for him to decline the gift and could even get them killed, so Dorian accepted the life of the witch’s son and swore a oath to bring him back in five years.
Dorian returned home to once again live a quiet life till that bug came biting again.
JulesCARV
10-04-07, 08:28 PM BTW, I recommend using more paragraphs.

Seperate them with a whole blank line, pressing enter twice before starting on a new paragraph. The current formatting, I think, is a bit hard to read.

I'm not too familiar with FR, so I'm not quite sure what to say here, but I might take a second look if it's a bit better formatted.
olpolok
10-04-07, 11:25 PM First of all add some paragraphs because its hard to read and gets very tiresome.

The story is okay but here are some points I think you need to work on.

1) I think the character suffers from a spot light overdose.

2) Undead in general are mindless, emotionless, fearless and evil creatures. The whole thing about him disliking to be undead is nonsense.

3) Its ridiculous that the gods and everyone makes such a big deal about a mere commoner.

4) 230 later the most probable thing is that his uncle and any trace of the rest of his family disappeared from history.

5) Cut the whole undead thing, make him a cleric from the start and describe a bit more his adventures.

Are you planning to play Dorian or his new "son" and make Dorian to be this mentor?

How old is Dorian since in the present? 40? 50? (Old characters don’t go out adventuring much.)
albinomonkeyking
10-05-07, 04:01 AM First of all add some paragraphs because its hard to read and gets very tiresome.

The story is okay but here are some points I think you need to work on.

1) I think the character suffers from a spot light overdose.

2) Undead in general are mindless, emotionless, fearless and evil creatures. The whole thing about him disliking to be undead is nonsense.

3) Its ridiculous that the gods and everyone makes such a big deal about a mere commoner.

4) 230 later the most probable thing is that his uncle and any trace of the rest of his family disappeared from history.

5) Cut the whole undead thing, make him a cleric from the start and describe a bit more his adventures.

Are you planning to play Dorian or his new "son" and make Dorian to be this mentor?

How old is Dorian since in the present? 40? 50? (Old characters don’t go out adventuring much.)

I don't want to feel silly and just reiterate olpolok, but he nailed it dead on.

Drop the backstory, mechanically and logically it doesn't work, sorry.

You could put undead into his past to make him want to adventure but I would stray from the, 'undead killed my family so I hunt them/redeem them', it's a bit cliched.

Your characters motivation for adventuring seems a bit lax as well. Adventuring randomly doesn't make great for a hero, but maybe it is what you wanted.

He seems run of the mill. A normal guy who can adventure but he is no hero. Elaborate on that if it's what you want. If it isn't, rework the whole concept.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
kopala 09-21-07, 11:49 AM	I have not checked it for grammar or spelling at all i just sat down and started writing. I am not looking to get ripped up by hate mail just if its a cool story. Maybe some things that i could add to make it better. Thanks all Shared Fates This stories beginning is woven into time some 250 years ago. Dorian Greycastle was born to a nameless man and women. He lived a uneventful life for the thirty years. In the last years of his life a plague broke out in his village. No one was ready for how fast the plague took lives, just snuffing them out one by one sometimes as quick as a night and they were gone from this world. Dorian saw most of his family die at least the ones that stayed in the Heartlands. His uncle moved his family away shortly before the plague ravaged the town. Many months later after the plague had for some unexplainable reason just ended a group of Holy Knights of the Triad came to town looking for evidence of fowl play. They had heard rumors that the plague was the work of foul magic and with the increase in undead in the area they had to investigate. One knight of Tyr and one knight of Torm and lastly a knight of Mystra. So there hunt started….. The last thing that Dorian remembered was dieing in his bed with a Cleric of the Lord of the Dead at his side. He remembered thinking how chase and caules he was in the last rights of his death. He longed for some one that cared more and could have comforted him more in his last hours of life. What came next was the worst and more horrifying thing he had ever thought could happen to him. As he stood there in the form of a Ghost watching his own body give out the last bit of life he was shocked to see the Cleric of the Dead summon two undead Ghouls to carry away his body. He followed them for as long as he could, they seem to be taking his body to the hills out side of his town. But before he could follow them all the way to there lair his sprit was summoned to the Dead Wells of Faerun. The Dead Wells were places where the sprits of the dead would be summoned to before the portal was opened to there place of judgment. For some time he waited there unable to leave, cents there was not passage of time that he could feel in this sprit state he had no way of knowing how long he was there. Then with what seemed at first like a gentle song to his ears his sprit was being pulled by force away from the well. Dorian tried to fight it as soon as he felt that something was wrong. The great blackness swallowed him………. As the blackness retreated he found him self cold and unmoving. He heard some one speaking in a tongue that he had never heard of before. His eyes opened and he saw him self in a natural room made of earth. Then terror like he had never known shot up in him. He saw a man wrapped in rages that seem to be moving about his body. He was standing over Dorian chanting. Magic was thick in the air. Dorian could feel that magic pumping into his body and changing things. Dorian found him self unable to move his body unable to run away even though his legs and heart wanted to run till they burned. Soon as it started it finished with the cloaked mage stepping back from him and commanding him to rise. He felt his body respond to this monster with out question. Dorian started to understand, this mage had raised Dorian as an undead monster to do his vile will. Dorian screamed and tried to command his limbs to wildly beat the man but nether sound or his limbs move. Dorian spent the next few weeks fighting as hard as he could but nothing worked this mage had control of him and he could not break it. What Dorian had to do for the next few weeks was nothing short of the blackest and darkest of things that his soul had ever seen and done. Then one night as his lifeless body stood there guarding his mage master a battle broke out. The mage was issuing orders to other undead and getting ready for a scrap. Dorian as ordered stood there and waited for any one to enter the room with out his masters ok. And that is just what happened; the door to the room was kicked in with a power that wrenched the metal hinges off the wall. In walked one by one three full metal clad warriors. No, not just warriors, Holy Knights! Dorian’s body could feel the holy power flowing off of them and assaulting his very essence. The mage gave the order and Dorian and his companion attacked. The Knights proved there worth ten times over as they held the mage at bay. One knight turned the wrath of his holy symbol on the other undead in the room and turned them all to dust. The mage came on strong now throwing spell after spell at the knights. Like rain on a well built house the spells bounced off the knights. With each spell thrown Dorian felt a bit more of control come back to him, he soon found him self just standing there not attacking and not moving. With all his will he was fighting the control of the mage. Soon the knights overcame the mage and ran a sword of fire in his gut along with a magical fist the size of a horse crushing him dead. Just then Dorian felt the control return and he spun around to see the knights moving towards him. He fell to his knees and begged with all that he was to be put out of his misery. The knights being good and holy saw the spark of the divine and knew that something was different with this undead monster. They were very unsure of what to do with this poor creature. They agreed to destroy this undead soul and each consult there gods in a prayer of one asking for them to restore this soul as he is good and just and a strong soul that would be a blessing to them a gift to the town for there kindness to the Knights. So in a ritual that is still unknown to many the gods gave a small fraction of there time to restored Dorian but not in a way that the knights were asking for. The gods took the soul and held it in static until they could use it later. That time came some 230 years later when they bargained for the soul of one of there greatest hero’s from the new Lord of the Dead, Kelemvor. Kelemvor saw this soul and knew that if he gave it life again that it would become a zealous defend of the dead and a passionate guide to the dieing. So the deal was signed and the souls exchanged. Kelemvor set to working with this clerics bringing Dorian back to life. Dorian was reborn and spent the next 10 years in service to a temple of Kelemvor learning the ways of the holy order of the dead. Then he moved on to find family and spread the word of Kelemvor. He found him self in the Merrydale, Dorian had learned that his uncle had moved to the far away town of Merrydale. Dorian decided to set up a temple in the area and live out his life with the family that never knew him. For many years Dorian lived a quiet and peaceful life in Merrydale he worked very hard in the Dale Country to preach the word of Kelemvor and show people that the Death god was not like the others. After many hard trials the people started to accept him as a friend and brother. There is only so many days that a young man can dwell at his home before the bug of adventuring finds him. Dorian soon found him self seeking more and more adventuring. He took up working with the Knights of the North to help ebb the flow of Zent patrols and power in the lands. At one point he even ended up working with the Knights of the Shadowed Sword, and the Knights of the Eternal Order which is part of the church of Kelemvor. It was the work with Knights of the Eternal Order that sent him far away from the Dalelands. He ended up going to Rashemen to hunt down a small group of elite undead with other members of the order. It was in Rashemen that he ended up saving the life of one the Witches. Which in that land was the ruling class for there people. In return for saving her life the witch gave the life of her son to Dorian. Dorian not understanding what was really going on was about to decline this boon, but just then the guide that the Order had hired told Dorian that it would be a great dishonor for him to decline the gift and could even get them killed, so Dorian accepted the life of the witch’s son and swore a oath to bring him back in five years. Dorian returned home to once again live a quiet life till that bug came biting again.
JulesCARV 10-04-07, 08:28 PM	BTW, I recommend using more paragraphs. Seperate them with a whole blank line, pressing enter twice before starting on a new paragraph. The current formatting, I think, is a bit hard to read. I'm not too familiar with FR, so I'm not quite sure what to say here, but I might take a second look if it's a bit better formatted.
olpolok 10-04-07, 11:25 PM	First of all add some paragraphs because its hard to read and gets very tiresome. The story is okay but here are some points I think you need to work on. 1) I think the character suffers from a spot light overdose. 2) Undead in general are mindless, emotionless, fearless and evil creatures. The whole thing about him disliking to be undead is nonsense. 3) Its ridiculous that the gods and everyone makes such a big deal about a mere commoner. 4) 230 later the most probable thing is that his uncle and any trace of the rest of his family disappeared from history. 5) Cut the whole undead thing, make him a cleric from the start and describe a bit more his adventures. Are you planning to play Dorian or his new "son" and make Dorian to be this mentor? How old is Dorian since in the present? 40? 50? (Old characters don’t go out adventuring much.)
albinomonkeyking 10-05-07, 04:01 AM	First of all add some paragraphs because its hard to read and gets very tiresome. The story is okay but here are some points I think you need to work on. 1) I think the character suffers from a spot light overdose. 2) Undead in general are mindless, emotionless, fearless and evil creatures. The whole thing about him disliking to be undead is nonsense. 3) Its ridiculous that the gods and everyone makes such a big deal about a mere commoner. 4) 230 later the most probable thing is that his uncle and any trace of the rest of his family disappeared from history. 5) Cut the whole undead thing, make him a cleric from the start and describe a bit more his adventures. Are you planning to play Dorian or his new "son" and make Dorian to be this mentor? How old is Dorian since in the present? 40? 50? (Old characters don’t go out adventuring much.) I don't want to feel silly and just reiterate olpolok, but he nailed it dead on. Drop the backstory, mechanically and logically it doesn't work, sorry. You could put undead into his past to make him want to adventure but I would stray from the, 'undead killed my family so I hunt them/redeem them', it's a bit cliched. Your characters motivation for adventuring seems a bit lax as well. Adventuring randomly doesn't make great for a hero, but maybe it is what you wanted. He seems run of the mill. A normal guy who can adventure but he is no hero. Elaborate on that if it's what you want. If it isn't, rework the whole concept.