Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Cryforge 09-06-06, 06:47 PM	1. When saying the name of your deity triggers a gag reflex. 2. When your deity's official religious ceremonies always end with sacrificing sentient beings. 3. When HP Lovecraft has written stories about your deity. Now lets make it into the hundreds...even thousands!
malykoth 09-06-06, 07:00 PM	4. When deluded, so-called "do-gooders" continually try to foil the will of your god...the fools! Do they not know they toy with DESTINY!?
Seraphine_Harmonium 09-06-06, 07:08 PM	5. You first learn his name by coming across a scroll that says "Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu." 6. Saying his name three times becomes common place 7. When this no longer elicits his aid, but his anger at your nerve and thanklessness. 8. When finding out one of your companions doesn't share your views obligates gouging their eyes out and throwing them into a very deep pit filled with poisonous snakes.
Kethka 09-06-06, 07:11 PM	9. When you get kicked out of the party because you can only spontaneously cast inflict spells. 10. And your immediate response is to plot evil things against the party and the good cleric who took your spot. And babies.
Yanagita Kunio 09-06-06, 07:23 PM	11. When the blood and body fluid levels at sect rituals reach the all-important "ankle deep" standard.
malykoth 09-06-06, 07:31 PM	12. When the term "Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!" makes you giggle like a school girl. 13. When your parents refer to you as "the one we didn't sacrifice".
The_Shaman 09-06-06, 08:52 PM	14. The common response to a question regarding the nearest temple of your faith is "You don't wanna know." 15. The holy liquid of your faith needs anti-coagulants to stay usable. 16. Your initiates' actions on their first seeing a champion of your patron is to run for their lives or curl into the fetal position. 17. Whenever you send adventurer teams to quest for your faith, you always have to retain at least one hosta... oops, coordinator at your temple. 18. You think of the skull & bones fraternity back at the seminary as a "bunch of naive wussies who have no idea what that means." 19. Whenever you make a gift of jewelry for your boy/girlfriend, your favourite gemstone is the black onyx. 20. Said gemstone was used prior to/on the first date. 21. Alternatively, the first date required a gate spell. 22. You consider the unhallow spell a necessity for your home's interior design. 23. Your pets have the fiendish template. 24. You consider going in the motherhood ward a part of your "grocery shopping" (Thanks to the Reiko comics)
Taeldrin Laesrash 09-06-06, 09:03 PM	25. Your first date required dominate person. 26. When furniture shopping, you look for how well you can hide tenatcled monstrosities in the coffee table.
malykoth 09-06-06, 09:15 PM	27. When your church smells really bad, and it's really dark, and there are far too many pointing spikey things and skull motifs around...oh, and they sacrifice humans. 28. When they fill out the empty pews with zombies. 29. When you usually meet in out of the way locations, especially if the word "abandoned" comes up a lot to describe the site...and you all are usually holding torches and wearing hoods or cowls. 30. When you aren't allowed to talk about your faith amongst non-believers...especially constables, paladins, nosey strangers, "adventurers"...shhhhhhh!
Cryforge 09-06-06, 09:40 PM	Here's some more from me. 31. When your deity's temple is referred to as room L4. on the dungeon's map. 32. When you consider the Book of Vile Darkness to be light reading and keep it in a magazine bin next to your toilet. 33. When the question "What would your deity do?" can be answered with "Kill everything that moves."
Gwenfloor 09-06-06, 09:46 PM	1. When your favorite color is black 2. You have the trademarked "evil laugh." 3. The weather patterns around your home are always overcast and stormy.
malykoth 09-06-06, 09:46 PM	37. When a favorite item at the church bake sale is babies.
The_Shaman 09-07-06, 10:30 AM	38: When a prayer addressing your patron god/dess requires 3 minutes of obsequious titles just to avoid being smitten for your nerve, you galling little worm. 39: Your first thought upon seeing an attractive member of the opposite sex is "Hmmm, I'd love to sacrifice that one." 40: You do not need a tinge of poetry in your soul to speak of taking someone's heart. 41: When the furniture in your room gives you a 10+ bonus to intimidate checks (see BoVD) 42: When you don't bother learning other languages. Who would, when all their friends have the tongues ability 43: You install holy water and silver detectors on your temple's entrances. 44: When you instinctively reach for your ritual dagger every time you hear something along the lines of "I like his eyes."
Prak, the Mad 09-07-06, 03:39 PM	45: When the predominate materials of your temple's construction are Obsidian/basalt, silver, and bones. 46: And that red liquid in the fountain out front is blood 47: and it was made blood in order to make the statue above it, the eyes of which it flows from, more acurate to your deity.
Richmud 09-07-06, 05:27 PM	48: You prefer the sound of a sacrifice's screams to the music of the greatest bards
FellBlade 09-07-06, 05:56 PM	49. When the shoulders on yoru church clothes are stained red with blood via the priests "gauntlets of the blood lord" 50. When you give yourself an ominous name & rat avitar on a web forum and go about preaching the name of hextor....oh wait....ignore that last one 51. when you find yourself sitting on a city bus coming home from you office job and catch yourself wondering "i wonder if i will have to mix that blood with real ink for it to stick" 32. When you consider the Book of Vile Darkness to be light reading and keep it in a magazine bin next to your toilet. 1. When your favorite color is black 2. You have the trademarked "evil laugh." 3. The weather patterns around your home are always overcast and stormy. "you guys have opened my eyes"
Kresalak 09-07-06, 06:04 PM	52. When you're being stabbed in the face by some crazy psychopaths that broke down the door to your church.
malykoth 09-07-06, 06:39 PM	53. When your church is the only one in town with soundproof walls, a blood sluice, and an open line of credit with the local slaver's guild.
The_Shaman 09-07-06, 07:56 PM	54. When your HR department classifies people in two folders: "To be sacrificed immediately" and "to be sacrificed later". 55. When you have a malformed manservant cleaning the place. Bonus points if he's called Igor. 56. When your female colleagues' working clothes hide the face more than any other part of the body. 57. When, around Christmas, you kidnap a child to use it as bait to capture Santa through an intricate system of chimney traps. 58. When you construct your temple, you pay the trapsmith more than the builders. 59: When your superior can scare people out of their minds by just breathing heavily.
SeptimusMagistos 09-07-06, 08:38 PM	5. 8. When finding out one of your companions doesn't share your views obligates gouging their eyes out and throwing them into a very deep pit filled with poisonous snakes. Nah, that would make every paladin evil.
Grod_The_Giant 09-07-06, 08:58 PM	you know, this explains a lot about the guy next to me in english...:shifty: 60. People look at your church and say "Wow, what horror movie did they file here?"
Kresalak 09-07-06, 09:01 PM	57. When, around Christmas, you kidnap a child to use it as bait to capture Santa through an intricate system of chimney traps. It appears I happen to be an evil cultist.
Vaalingrade Ashland 09-07-06, 09:25 PM	61. When 60% of the sermons contain the phrase 'world domination' or 'grasp the reigns of destiny'
Tarascon 09-07-06, 09:27 PM	61. When you realize might dosn't just make right, it also can be used to make muffins and pie. In fact, everything in your house was made by might. 62.You realize Aleister Crowley was a chump compared to you. 63.You don't get promoted to executive wash-room, you get promoted to executive torture-chamber.
malykoth 09-07-06, 09:44 PM	64. When you don't have a cemetery...everyone's either animated as undead or eaten. 65. When you spontaneously burst into flames whenever you try to enter another faith's holy ground. 66. When paladins always give you that look...you know, the stink eye...and all you were doing was just standing there, minding your own business. Which just happens to be a business that sells "human leather".
Gryllmyre 09-07-06, 09:53 PM	67. When the idea of Tharizdun being released and destroying the universe gives you that warm and happy feeling.
malykoth 09-07-06, 10:13 PM	68. When kids start dressing up as you on Halloween...or making up nursery rhymes about you (the old, creepy kind).
Cryforge 09-07-06, 11:15 PM	68. When kids start dressing up as you on Halloween...or making up nursery rhymes about you (the old, creepy kind). Run for your life as fast as you can. For here comes Otto Houlihan. Here comes Otto Houlihan. Houlihan, the Criss-Cross Man. That's from Abarat by Clive Barker. It's not a verbatum quote, but it's close if I remember correctly. Anyways... 69. When the elevators in your office building are made of intertwined corpses. 70. When the music on said elevators is "Night on Bald Mountain". 71. When Jack T. Chick writes a comic that shows hate towards your religion.
malykoth 09-07-06, 11:41 PM	Run for your life as fast as you can. For here comes Otto Houlihan. Here comes Otto Houlihan. Houlihan, the Criss-Cross Man. Yeah...like that! 71. When Jack T. Chick writes a comic that shows hate towards your religion. In all fairness, this does not indicate one is an evil cultist, merely that one is hated by...shall we say...a fringe individual? From a personal standpoint, I'd view it as the potential mark of a good religion! ;)
jokei 09-08-06, 03:21 AM	When you play Pat Boone or Barry Manilow records to get your gamers going.
Quotzle 09-08-06, 12:40 PM	73. When you have the heart and soul of a young child... ...on a shelf in your office.
FellBlade 09-08-06, 12:45 PM	66. When paladins always give you that look...you know, the stink eye...and all you were doing was just standing there, minding your own business. Which just happens to be a business that sells "human leather". 73. When you have the heart and soul of a young child... ...on a shelf in your office. great guys BOTH of those made me laugh out loud (and i am at work pretending to be working lol!)
Cryforge 09-08-06, 04:30 PM	73. When you have the heart and soul of a young child... ...on a shelf in your office. You sir are no evil cultist...you are the god that they worship! Awesome one! Funny as hell! 74. When there are five or more members of your cult known as the "Sons of the Apocalypse." 75. When the painter who painted your god consecutively went mad an slaughtered the innocents. 76. When you read this list and take notes. :D
ToxicWiz 09-08-06, 05:03 PM	76. When you read this list and take notes. :D *hides his notepad* erm, yeah... 77. you have a sign in the chapel saying 'you want him sacrificed when?' 78. when you are informed about the beating quota revision. 79. when you are asked to get a souldonor card
Cryforge 09-09-06, 10:57 AM	:bump: 80. When your deity lives in a place beyond the stars...or in some other foreboding realm. 81. When the pseudonatural template is your best friend. 82. When your temple host's a fall festival and there's a "Guess how many Fingers are in the Jar" contest. 83. When the winner of said contest gets to keep and eat the fingers. 84. And does so in 10 seconds flat.
Grod_The_Giant 09-09-06, 01:39 PM	68. When kids start dressing up as you on Halloween lol...priceless 85. paladins burn your church to the ground
Nylkran 09-09-06, 02:16 PM	86. When filling the questionare, and the question "Why would you like to join?" comes up, and these are the following options: A) Plane Domination B) Homicidal Sprees C) Free use of Trture Chamber D) All of the above. 87. When someone only gets to enter if the answered "All of the Above" 88. When chantong to your God requires to take your own Eye out, (you gotta love Grumush!) 89. And eat it! (Odin did that I believe)
SilvercatMoonpaw 09-09-06, 02:25 PM	89. And eat it! (Odin did that I believe) No, Oding gave the eye to Mimir, the guy who sits next to the Fountain of Knowledge, so that Odin might have a drink from the well. 90. When you have the ability to use the "HADOKEN!" (see 8-bit Theater) 91. When your birthday features dead humans. (see Order of the Stick) 92. When you know more methods of murder than they show on crime dramas. 93. When "Fear Factor" is a religious ritual for you. 94. And we aren't talking about the show, here. 95. When "Survivor" describes your religious life.
DrakoShade 09-09-06, 02:41 PM	96) You have seven arms and three legs... and all of them are necrotic grafts. 97) The same goes for all five eyes. 98) You refuse to have any body part in numbers that aren't both prime and odd. 99) Your superiors are happy that you keep your ranks maxed out in Craft(Disturbing Mental Images). 100) One of the domains you have access to is "Fry-up."
Meshakhad 09-09-06, 03:53 PM	101. You discuss the happenings of the Blood War in the same manner as a normal person describing an extended war between kingdoms. 102. People of all faiths come into your temple... but only people who share your religion come out.
freeholder 09-09-06, 04:42 PM	103. You are jelous of those lucky half-fiends 104. You eat baby pit fiend for breakfast 105. Most of your close friends have the ability to create spawn by one with a specific special abilitys 106. You became a lich just so you could do the evil acts required to create a phalacracy
Kassil 09-09-06, 06:07 PM	107. When various self-proclaimed Dark Overlords drop by, look around, and leave jealous of your temple. 108. When the neighborhood door-to-door converts religiously avoid your place rather than pestering you. 109. When you summon an avatar of your god, and find that geometry has suddenly gone totally haywire. 110. When tribes of chaotic evil monsters defect to the side of good out of fear of you.
Richmud 09-09-06, 07:47 PM	99) Your superiors are happy that you keep your ranks maxed out in Craft(Disturbing Mental Images). Thats a feat not a skill:http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0249.html
Joseph_Silver 09-09-06, 08:33 PM	111. You marry a man named Kevin Federline. 112. Your name is Kenneth Lay. 113. You work at Walmart.
Lycanthromancer 09-09-06, 09:03 PM	114. When all three of the above are true.
Cryforge 09-09-06, 10:57 PM	115. When one of the following is an accurate depiction of your deity. http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/designdev_baker2.jpg http://www.waynereynolds.com/WOTCGallery1A/1.jpg http://people.ucsc.edu/~btanenb/satan.jpg
Lycanthromancer 09-10-06, 12:07 AM	116. The altar boys are more afraid of the priests than of the eternal punishments of the afterlife. (A pre-emptive apology for Catholic altar boys everywhere.)
mmxbass 09-10-06, 12:58 AM	73. When you have the heart and soul of a young child... ...on a shelf in your office.This is very similar to an actual quote: Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. - Stephen King
sooperspook 09-10-06, 01:55 AM	116. The altar boys are more afraid of the priests than of the eternal punishments of the afterlife. (A pre-emptive apology for Catholic altar boys everywhere.) Mate, thats just not funny.
Cryforge 09-10-06, 11:10 AM	Mate, thats just not funny. Actually, that's hilarious, but for the sake of this thread not being closed down, I think we should try to stay away from comparing real religions to fantasy cults.
Keenath 09-10-06, 11:33 AM	117) The guy writing your hymns keeps trying to find a word that rhymes with Cthulhu.
thepsionicbard 09-10-06, 12:26 PM	the torchering of kender is considerd equil to neddlepoint:D
Archana 09-10-06, 12:30 PM	119. When a good character reading your holy book gains more than two negative levels.
Tarascon 09-10-06, 12:37 PM	115. When one of the following is an accurate depiction of your deity. http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/designdev_baker2.jpg http://www.waynereynolds.com/WOTCGallery1A/1.jpg http://people.ucsc.edu/~btanenb/satan.jpg Dude, where is that Wayne Reynolds Cthulhu from!? It rocks man! But back on topic; 118.) You don't see stars, you see pentagrams. 119.) When that girls you like smiles at you, the only reason birds suddenly appear is so vrocks and winged yugoloths can rip them to shreds. 120.) Aforementioned girl happens to be named Glasya.
Richmud 09-10-06, 01:06 PM	the torchering of kender is considerd equil to neddlepoint:D That doesn't make you evil, that just makes you familiar with kenders
Rudi_Schteppen 09-10-06, 01:48 PM	121. The walls of your temple seem to move and quiver as the souls trapped within them manifest slightly, hideous stretched faces contorting in agony as they scream "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME! CTHULU HAS ONE BIG FAMILY!" :coolcthul
SeptimusMagistos 09-10-06, 07:15 PM	122. If you have to torture the members of your own sect just to find out when the next meeting is. 123. When you have absolutely no problem with 122.
Edge_of_Oblivion 09-11-06, 02:25 AM	124. When the favored followers of your dark master are also the favored targets of "adventurers" everywhere (I'm looking at you, Maglubiyet, Gruumsh, Kurtulmak, Tiamat, etc., etc., etc.....) 125. When the penalty for killing said favored follower(s) is not death, it's much much worse. 126. When Contact Other Plane spells made to reach your patron require saves versus insanity.
Cryforge 09-11-06, 07:52 AM	Dude, where is that Wayne Reynolds Cthulhu from!? It rocks man! Well, if you go to his website (http://www.waynereynolds.com) and look in the first Wizards of the Coast gallery, it can be found there. However, it originally appeared in Call of Cthulhu d20. It was located in the chapter dealing with Cthulhu and co. in D&D. (That's why Mialee, Tordek, Krusk, and Regdar are fighting it. Well, Mialee is fighting it. Tordek is running, krusk is flying through the air, and regdar is dead.)
bgt 09-11-06, 08:59 AM	127: You consider Azathoth's piping to be "Easy Listening". 128: You revere a promiscuous goat. 129: All your friends are turning into fish.
Lycanthromancer 09-11-06, 09:31 PM	130. The statuary in the courtyard looks suspiciously like the clergy of the temple next door that mysteriously disappeared last week.
freeholder 09-11-06, 11:07 PM	131. When you find simon from American Idol a kind and gental spirit 132. When a source book dedecated to you points out it is for adults.
malykoth 09-11-06, 11:32 PM	131. When you find simon from American Idol a kind and genatal spirit. Funny, I always figured Seacrest for the "genatal" spirit. :D (kidding!)
JasonOrlandoHawk 09-12-06, 12:26 AM	133: When you're wife is angry and making you sleep on the couch because you sacrificed the first-born in the name of your dark lord, or in exchange for malovent powers of the shadow, or what have you. 134: When you're actually sleeping on the floor becuase it's not like you're going to try and tell you're dog to move. 135: When all your friends keep dying in mysterious "Dark Alter" related incidents. 136: When animating zombies is just a more efficient way of accomplishing your daily chores, as opposed to hiring a butler. 137: When you're powerful enough to wield a Greatsword or Meteor Swarm, but you just feel naked without your ceremonial dagger. 138: When you've renamed the "Seven Deadly Sins" to "Thursday's To-Do List." 139: When you keep misplacing your Darkskull Relic and constantly have to dig through the pile of human corpses to find it. 140: When you kick kittens for fun.
Janusunaj 09-12-06, 12:43 AM	141:When the joke you made about cursing all of your friend's private parts by turning them bug sized because they joked about how pretty your wife was it comes true.
Edge_of_Oblivion 09-12-06, 01:30 AM	142. Lycanthropy is considered a priviledge, not a right. 143. Humanoid flesh is ever on the menu. Or in the cookbook. 144. Same as 143, but with multiple recipes.
Lycanthromancer 09-12-06, 06:00 AM	145. The cookbook is MADE from human flesh, and makes the reader go mad, MAD I TELL YOU, MAAAAAD! Ahem...
Golem011 09-12-06, 09:58 AM	146. When your temple has a cellar that, mysteriously, is larger than the ENTIRE town put together and is also known as the 'Labyrinth of Doom'. 147. When said Labyrinth has its own population of undead that appeared from nowhere to feed on the spirits of the damned. 148. When you have to understand six different ancient languages just to get the jokes that your high priest makes...
Richmud 09-12-06, 10:01 AM	148. When you have to understand six different ancient languages just to get the jokes that your high priest makes... 149. And they are all dead baby jokes, with visual aids
Golem011 09-12-06, 10:54 AM	150. And vivid demonstrations...
RobbyPants 09-12-06, 01:51 PM	151. When entry into your temple routinely involves a sieries of passwords, secret doors behind the tavern, and Zone of Truth spells in conjunction with the question "Are you a paladin, or somehow affiliated with the local law enforcement?"
Richmud 09-12-06, 02:28 PM	151. When entry into your temple routinely involves a sieries of passwords, secret doors behind the tavern, and Zone of Truth spells in conjunction with the question "Are you a paladin, or somehow affiliated with the local law enforcement?" 152. If the answer is yes you are tortured and finally sacrificed in a month long ceremony in which every bone in your body is broken and rehealed at least twice each day
Golem011 09-12-06, 02:31 PM	153. ... the High Priest is heavily tattooed, bald, and carries a whip everywhere...
SeptimusMagistos 09-12-06, 04:55 PM	154. If your name appears on the "10001 things you don't want to hear your DM say" thread.
countbubba 09-12-06, 06:34 PM	155. You have ever laughed after saying or hearing a sentence with the words "iron maiden" in it. 156. You have ever called someone a "puny mortal". 156. You have singlehandedly made the stock of Torture Devices, Inc. rise 50 points.
ferreon 09-12-06, 07:11 PM	158. When adventuring parties turn white and say "That sicko" at the mere mention of your name
Edge_of_Oblivion 09-12-06, 10:00 PM	153. ... the High Priest is heavily tattooed, bald, and carries a whip everywhere... 159. Or The High Priest is female, heavily tattooed, with long straight black hair and a revealing outfit, and carries a whip everywhere.
FellBlade 09-13-06, 12:31 PM	joke (mlidly offensive) Joke: ahem... ok so this guy dies (lets call him jim) and he finds himself in a smoke & sulfer infested chasim you know the kind, where screaming is white noise, anyways so jim thinks to himself "oh i must be in hell, this is horrible, what did I do to deserve this" and so on and so forth. when a well dressed man aproaches our "hero" (you know the kind, with the whole red tuxedo & cigarette holder ensamble, not to mention the tiny horns & southern accent) Devil: "hey boy you must be new here" jim: "well...yeah" jim says in a terror filled voice Devil: "Dont worry son, its not so bad here...Hey do you like gamblin' son?" jim:"well yeah i like gamblin" Devil: "oh, well you gonna love Mondays boy, thats all we do all monday, we gamble till where naked and then we gamble some more to win it all back for next monday" Devil: "You wouldent happen to like drinkin'....Would you?" Jim: "well yeah i like drinkin, how do you think i got here in the first place?" Devil: "ohhh, you gona like Tuesdays we drink our faces off we drink all the liquer down here dry...and some days we even dip into the gassoliene" jim: "well that dosent sound so bad, except for the gas part of course" Devil: "let me guess you like the drugs too son...no no dont answer i can tell" Jim: "..." Devil: "well im sure am sure you are going to love wednesdays, we smoke we snort we shoot, well just let me say if youve heard about it we do it!" Jim: "well this place sure beats that white collar Hea...." Devil: "Well yes it does boy, yes it does...hey boy, do you like homosexual sex son" Jim: "well um...No not at all" Devil: "ohhh, your not going to like thursdays"
Golem011 09-13-06, 12:41 PM	That joke is sooo old! :P
FellBlade 09-13-06, 02:19 PM	i know, but it still makes me laugh
Cryforge 09-13-06, 06:22 PM	That joke is sooo old! :P Yes, but it's still hilarious!
Grod_The_Giant 09-13-06, 06:40 PM	160 (?): the women all wear almost nothing (except for masks) and the men wear long black capes and classic villan mustaches. 161 (probably): upon hearing of a new weapon so terrible more then 10 religions have banned its use, your church starts a campaign to buy half a dozen. Per person.:evillaugh
metamind 09-13-06, 07:18 PM	162: If your idea of a hot date is to sacrifice your girlfriend in a pit of fire, you might be a redne- er cultist.
SpawnOfMorgoth 09-13-06, 08:35 PM	163. You use a dremel tool for dental hygene. (nice for making pointy teeth) :D 164. You often wonder where that mad cackling noise is coming from only to realize it's you. :evillaugh 165. Your Daddy married his sister, but it didn't effect you none. :twitch:
Wall 09-13-06, 10:50 PM	166. Your goal in death is for Hextor to consume your soul as though it were among his favorite breakfast cereals. 167. This conversation has happened in your household: "Where have you been!?" "Uh.. out with the guys?" "I'm sure! I can see the blood on your shirt! You've been perfomring dark rituals again, haven't you!" "No, no! I was, uh... Drinking! Yeah!" 168. Your favorite T-shirt has the phrase "I Heart Asmodeus" or "My Parents Went To Ba'ator And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt".
The_Bard_No_One_Wanted 09-14-06, 03:05 AM	169. ... you put a hapless victim into the iron maiden, you always play a Judas Preist album, because you find it gleefully ironic. 170. ... you complain to your superiors that the blood encrusted soap in the after-torture locker room doesn't have enough blood on it. Somebody's been taking some home, and your not going stand for that kind of injustice. All people have the right to bath with blood encrusted soap. 171. ... you stop buying white sockings because, hell, they're just going to turn red anyway.
SpawnOfMorgoth 09-14-06, 03:51 AM	<snip> 168. Your favorite T-shirt has the phrase "I Heart Asmodeus" or "My Parents Went To Ba'ator And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". I actually made these when the popularity of the mainstream versions was in their heyday Other T-Shirts in your dresser 172. Cthulhu Saves... (front) you for his dinner (back) 173. WWCD? What Would Cthulhu Do?
liquid nitro penguin 09-14-06, 08:09 AM	174. when you imprison your girlfriend in a statue due to traitorism. 175 when you imprison multiple loved ones (not just your own) in statues. 176. if a party member EVER disagrees with you, they wake up with one less organ.:plotting: sorry if these have been said before.
aotrscommander 09-14-06, 09:03 AM	177: Your temple provides continuous employment to an entire male voice choir, for the express purpose of humming ominously whenever the ranking member of the hierarchy makes a pronostication, announcement or is talking to wandering adventurers. 178: The temple holy book consists of entirely quotes made by Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, the Witch-King of Angmar and any villain who appeared in James Bond. Regardless of how anachronistic this is. 179: The high priest not only summoned Cthulu, but killed him and ate him. 180: The Evil Overlord's Handbook is considered a religious text. 181: And tests on it are set regularly. 182: The number of weapon and/or traps per person exceeds that of a party of 20th level adventurers by a factor of two. 183: The number of weapon and/or traps per person exceeds that of the entire military porduction of the Galatic Empire, including both Death Stars. 184: When the number of prehensile limbs on your patron entity exceeds that of the entire cult combined.
BruisedOoze 09-14-06, 01:55 PM	Maybe I missed a similar one, but here goes 185. When you don't mind being a eunuch.
Edge_of_Oblivion 09-14-06, 02:35 PM	185. When you don't mind being a eunuch. 186. When the rituals required as proper worship by your patron power prohibit eunuchs from joining.
Cryforge 09-14-06, 05:06 PM	187. When it doesn't matter whether or not you are a eunuch. If you don't make it past the trap on the temple's front door, you will be. ;)
jokei 09-14-06, 05:18 PM	188. ...peoples eyes bleed when they look at you. :coolcthul
BruisedOoze 09-14-06, 06:38 PM	186. When the rituals required as proper worship by your patron power prohibit eunuchs from joining. Haha. Good one
The_Bard_No_One_Wanted 09-14-06, 07:06 PM	189. ... you take a few levels in druid just so you can get a dromedary camel as your animal companion. Sure, its not evil, but being able to stab the hump and taking a quick drink of water is so damn convenient.
BruisedOoze 09-14-06, 09:30 PM	Cryforge, what is that first picture (the eye with golden thread) of and where is it from? If there is a story behind the thing I'm interested in knowing whast it is. Otherwise I'm going to have to make one.
Edge_of_Oblivion 09-15-06, 03:56 AM	Cryforge, what is that first picture (the eye with golden thread) of and where is it from? If there is a story behind the thing I'm interested in knowing whast it is. Otherwise I'm going to have to make one. IT'S THE MODRON FROM HELL!!!! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
SeptimusMagistos 09-15-06, 10:51 AM	190. When your cult is protesting use of zombies as slave labor because it's become impossible to torture workers. The picture is Baker, a monster created by voting on Wizards.com
Golem011 09-15-06, 01:54 PM	191. When your cult leader, your god, and your temple all have names with more consonants and less vowels than the rest of the cult put together.
Cryforge 09-15-06, 05:05 PM	Cryforge, what is that first picture (the eye with golden thread) of and where is it from? If there is a story behind the thing I'm interested in knowing whast it is. Otherwise I'm going to have to make one. On the main site, they had a "Craft-the-Creature" thing. The creature is codenamed Baker, and will appear in an upcoming book. That was the art that was voted for when they came up with art for it. IT'S THE MODRON FROM HELL!!!! It's that too. ;)
UndeadMouse 09-15-06, 05:44 PM	168. Your favorite T-shirt has the phrase "I Heart Asmodeus" or "My Parents Went To Ba'ator And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". i resemble that remark! anyway, 192: your idea of fun is to bleed kittens 193: while watching your diety's telethon 194: while cursing every other deity.
Dench 09-17-06, 12:39 PM	195. You start thinking that to the image of your deity is missing some tentacles... 196. You cast Damning Darkness every day just to sleep well and have a moment of privacy. The good thing is, that no one can enter it because they are affected and you're not.
tryco 09-17-06, 01:01 PM	179: The high priest not only summoned Cthulu, but killed him and ate him. poor cthulhu:weep:
Cryforge 09-19-06, 05:57 PM	BUMP! 197. When saying the name of your deity causes you to use up every ounce of spittle in your body. 198. As well as every ounce of sweat. 199. And every ounce of urine. (:yuck:)
Richmud 09-19-06, 05:59 PM	BUMP! 197. When saying the name of your deity causes you to use up every ounce of spittle in your body. 200. And then you refresh yourself with a glass of blood
Grod_The_Giant 09-19-06, 07:03 PM	201. you carry a lead sheet around, just in case any paladins come by and try to use detect evil on you. (hint: see order of the stick (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0202.html)) 202. But even if you don't, the power of your evil aura stuns them.
SeptimusMagistos 09-20-06, 08:43 PM	203. When you ride black dragons...of the edge of a cliff after clipping their wings. Using a possession spell on your assistant.
Cryforge 09-21-06, 09:41 PM	204. When speaking your deities name changes your alignment immediately to CE. 205. When the high priest in your temple is actually alignment EEE+ (Triple Evil Plus!).
Kassil 09-22-06, 08:38 PM	206. A new alignment is introduced solely for your cult - True Evil, which goes beyond mere neutral evil. 207. When other cults band together with the good guys to try to fight you. 208. When any part of your temple is referred to by terms such as 'The Breeding Pit' or 'The Cyst'.
Prak, the Mad 09-23-06, 03:37 AM	61. When you realize might dosn't just make right, it also can be used to make muffins and pie. In fact, everything in your house was made by might. 62.You realize Aleister Crowley was a chump compared to you. 63.You don't get promoted to executive wash-room, you get promoted to executive torture-chamber. lol, 62, dead on, course all that really takes is looking at that old picture of him meditating with a pyramid on his head... 61, yeah, I suppose chairs shouldn't be made with might, but they're just so damned comfy... In all fairness, this does not indicate one is an evil cultist, merely that one is hated by...shall we say...a fringe individual? From a personal standpoint, I'd view it as the potential mark of a good religion! LIES! We're Evil! um, I mean,.... *whistling* 76. When you read this list and take notes. 209.When you open your note book to contribute to this thread 210.when you open the founder of the religion's note book to contribute 81. When the pseudonatural template is your best friend. aww... how'd ya know? When your temple host's a fall festival and there's a "Guess how many Fingers are in the Jar" contest. 83. When the winner of said contest gets to keep and eat the fingers. 84. And does so in 10 seconds flat. Eh? *hides bloody jar and pushes a stray finger back in mouth* 92. When you know more methods of murder than they show on crime dramas. *hands behind back, whistling* 99) Your superiors are happy that you keep your ranks maxed out in Craft(Disturbing Mental Images). 100) One of the domains you have access to is "Fry-up." HAIL TED! 110. When tribes of chaotic evil monsters defect to the side of good out of fear of you. yeah, that happens a lot... the torchering of kender is considerd equil to neddlepoint when the unleashing of Kender upon unsuspecting adventuring parties is equivalent to Connect Four to you 138: When you've renamed the "Seven Deadly Sins" to "Thursday's To-Do List." dude, that list ain't just for thursday, that's my hourly to-do list 150. And vivid demonstrations... make that ex girlfriend, and I believe "been there, done that" would have to be my reply(damn I love her...) 155. You have ever laughed after saying or hearing a sentence with the words "iron maiden" in it. 156. You have ever called someone a "puny mortal". done 'em both, infact, I giggled as I read 'iron maiden' Yes, but it's still hilarious! and even after ruining the punchline... 160 (?): the women all wear almost nothing (except for masks) and the men wear long black capes and classic villan mustaches. so? that's standard ritual attire for my religion(seriously) 161 (probably): upon hearing of a new weapon so terrible more then 10 religions have banned its use, your church starts a campaign to buy half a dozen. Per person. where do I sign? RE:the pic: It's not the Modron from Hell, it's the Sewing Machine from Hell!
Red Dragon 09-23-06, 05:03 PM	209: When your 7-year-old daughter asks her peers, "You mean your daddies don't kill their every enemy and reanimate them as skeletal abominations that I can use to play tea-party with?" 210: When your best friend says, "Duuude. Stop laughing. It scares me."
Richmud 09-23-06, 07:32 PM	210: When your best friend says, "Duuude. Stop laughing. It scares me." 211: And you keep laughing... 212: ...while sacrificing him for his insolence
Rogue Shadows 09-25-06, 04:03 PM	213: When your idea of light music is Das Omen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lujirjr3zPE) 214: If, when you ask your leader how they can even speak a language that existed before Time, he actually has a viable answer 215: ...when you understand aforementioned language 216: When your patron deity has tentacles 217: When Hell seems like a pleasent alternative 218: When you find Cutethulhu (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/81337) insulting.
Janusunaj 09-28-06, 02:43 AM	219: When you get erotic thrills through bleeding and bleeding others.
Kassil 09-28-06, 03:21 AM	220. When subjugating the local city as a source of sacrifices and slaves is marked in on today's "To Do" list. 221. The church picnic involves roasting a living humanoid over a firepit as the barbeque. 222. You're encouraged to take levels in Craft (Bonecarving) by the cult elders for the sake of making carvings of your unholy symbol from the bones of the sacrifices. 223. Avatars of various gods of evil picket your gathering place, demanding that you stop making them look bad by having altarboys who're more evil than them, to say nothing of the actual officials. 224. When neutral artifacts are almost as painful to touch as holy ones. 225. When a standard weekly ritual is banned by the Geneva convention on multiple counts. 226. You can count on regular raids by parties of adventurers, and the cult has monthly 'deathtrap' contests to see who can make the deadliest trap for the pests. 227. The last marut that came wandering by just about self-destructed trying to decide which of the various undead horrors that make up the high clergy to punish first. 228. Angels explode when they come within a mile of your temple.
Darth Sephiroth 09-28-06, 04:31 AM	229.) Paladins on the far side of the plane go blind from glancing in your general direction with the detect evil spell. 230.) Other evil dieties decide it is far better to help the adventurerers exterminate your faith due to the fact that you severely disturb their own worshipers by several orders of magnitude.
Tarascon 09-28-06, 05:15 PM	231.) Asmodeus prefers your temple to Malsheem every now and then. (The problem is finding a 16' long bed.) 232.) Mephistopholes stopped coming when people kept making deals with him. He couldn't get any work done with souls always being collected. 233.) You have a special ramp of human bones for Baalzebul. 234.) The Hag Countess goes into your spa, Lilith walks out... 235.) There's a freezer in the back for Levistus. 236.) Fierna was your wardrobe designer. As of yet, your temple still needs a wardrobe... 237.) Sections of the floor burst into flame so Mammon feels at home. 238.) You stole some of the Iron Tower so Dispater could come over. 239.) Baal trained your priests in combat. You are now short one clergy.
Edge_of_Oblivion 09-28-06, 11:20 PM	232. When Lovecraft mentions you in his credits. 233. Multiple times. 234. When your (Un)Holy Book is Lovecraft. But you wrote it first.
Rogue Shadows 09-29-06, 05:21 PM	233: When looking at your patron deity, demons don't know whether they should send Succubi or Inccubi to tempt him/her/it/both.
IrishRover 09-29-06, 09:49 PM	234: The bumper sticker on your car/chariot/starship/whatever says, "Cthulu Saves--he might get hungry later."
Janusunaj 09-29-06, 11:21 PM	235: When people refer to your quasit familiar as Lord Chaos.
DrakeRunner 09-30-06, 05:10 PM	256. When you animate dead for PR agents. 257. Dead clowns. 258. Named Bubba. 359. For the bake sale.
johnny_reb_21 10-20-06, 02:55 AM	360 : one of the more favored games/pastimes at your church picnic is : a)bobbing for beating beating hearts, a baby toss (loser gets scorched with hellfire, winner throws loser in hellfire) they dont tolerate the weak), and betting on how long the the paladin lives (bets are not taken after the beggining of torture, whoever is off by the most amount of time is killed by hellfire, winner gets to set losers on fire) 361: you are the current baby tossing champion. 362: sometimes you and your church buddies like to meet fey, then tie them up, cut out their eyelids and make them watch you desecrate and cast horrid wilting in there happy place...just to fight boredom
Alpha_Moose 10-20-06, 11:23 AM	362: sometimes you and your church buddies like to meet fey, then tie them up, cut out their eyelids and make them watch you desecrate and cast horrid wilting in there happy place...just to fight boredom And then you make suits out of their skins.
Dex 10-22-06, 02:02 AM	363. You have one of each kind of inevitable after you 364. You've taken the title "Darth" :D 365. You heal the enemies the rest of your party kills, just so you can kill them again. 366. Or "save them for later". 367. You have ALL of the circumstace bonuses to Knowledge(religion) related to sacrifices in the BOVD. 368. Whenever you laugh, there's a flash of lightning and a rumble of thunder, even if the weather was clear a second ago (it's not anymore...). 369. Your church's "fun runs" involve you and another cultist running through a densly populated area with a peice of razorwire held at neck height between you.
johnny_reb_21 10-22-06, 07:13 AM	370 : when you confess your sins and transgressions you get flayed beaten and poked with hot irons for being "too nice".
aotrscommander 10-22-06, 09:40 AM	369. Your church's "fun runs" involve you and another cultist running through a densly populated area with a peice of razorwire held at neck height between you. You sir, gain an Awesome Point.
Tevish Szat 10-22-06, 08:36 PM	210: When your best friend says, "Duuude. Stop laughing. It scares me." that, and the following, have actually happened to me 371: at graduation, when you;re called across the stage, the rest of your class shouts "Dark lord!"
Toran_A_Sunder 10-22-06, 09:43 PM	372: ...you cant walk through a room in your temple without hearing a "squish" noise... 373: ...because you're stepping on babies... 374: ...zombie babies... 375: ...who you personally animated to watch them devour their own parents. 376: ...the local cult to cthullu had to move to another city because you're cult was "grabbing up all the pickins."
DDdreamer 10-24-06, 07:55 AM	you begin every sentence with "according to(insert deity name here) will"
DarkKestral 10-25-06, 01:52 AM	378: When looking at the Book of Vile Darkness, your only thoughts are things like: "Figure 24 is wrong. The labels A and D on that stretching rack are switched." and "That's not kinky. That's just cliche." 379: It occurs to you that you might want to clean up your sacrificial area, because the blood's making it slippery and causing the candles to go out. 380: Insanity and mad lunatic ravings are a pre-requisite for initiation into your church. 381: You prefer obsidian blades for your sacrificial knives because they have an increased tendency to fragment inside your victims, prolonging their pain. The fact that they are black and sharper than steel is just a bonus. 382: Being genocidal about those who follow other religions is expressly supported by your deity. 383: For you, evil is like breathing. It's not something you need to do consciously, but like to do anyway.
johnny_reb_21 10-25-06, 02:28 AM	384: the river behind your temple immediatly turns crimson and there are no living things in it from there to the sea. 385: migrating birds intentially redirect thier flight paths to avoid being in eyesight of your temples. 386: when newcomers arrive at your temple and are ask to join they are tortured for saying no. 387: when the newcomers mentioned in 386 finally agree to join they are sacrificed. 388: the bodies from those mentioned in 387 are put on a funral pyre/mass grave thats been burning for months...
Haruspex 10-25-06, 03:32 AM	389: You can only use undead with 1 HD or less because the pure evil of your temple makes them so unbelievably uber that Pelor himself couldn't turn them.
UnrelentingHoror 10-25-06, 04:45 AM	390: When you've gone on record as refering to Torquemada, Hitler, and Vlad Tepes as "Soft hearted nancy-boys". 391: You actually use the term "nancy-boy". 392: One of your favourite post sermon snacks from the cafeteria is a Fetus-melt. 393: When the door-to-door pelor recruiters ask "Have you put much thought into the afterlife?", you simply reply "why yes,.....Yours Muwahahaha!" before running them through. 394: Your idea of a romantic yet wholesome date is stealing infants and playing horseshoes with them, the peg of course being an iron spike. 395: Your religeous order has exactly thirteen ranks, all of which sound horribly ominous. 396: The local county fair your order puts on every year has games such as: Kick the puppy or Darts......with halflings tied to planks as the targets!
johnny_reb_21 10-25-06, 10:37 AM	it 397: while training your quasit/imp familiar you use kittens as a reward. 398: you own any of the magic items from the BoVD, then complain they are not vile or evil enough. 399: you can count on one hand the number of living "friends" you have but when ask to recount how many undead you spawned yesterday you have a hard time counting that high. 400: the last time you were on a date involved a recently animated corpse and you caught mummy rot. 401: you are immune to mummy rot.
malykoth 10-25-06, 02:39 PM	379: It occurs to you that you might want to clean up your sacrificial area, because the blood's making it slippery and causing the candles to go out. Or 402: The floors are covered by dried blood scabs so thick, you're bumping your head on the ceiling...and it's a cathedral ceiling!
DMs_Favourite 10-27-06, 12:06 AM	403: When the actions in BoVD seem no differant than those in BoED.
Toran_A_Sunder 10-27-06, 12:17 AM	Or 402: The floors are covered by dried blood scabs so thick, you're bumping your head on the ceiling...and it's a cathedral ceiling! This one near made me physically sick thinking about it.....I LOVED it!!!
Dex 10-27-06, 10:44 AM	404. All plants within 30ft begin to smoke, blacken and die... 405. ..all small children in 120ft begin screaming uncontrollably... 406. ...all adults in 60ft begin having homicidal thoughts... 407. ...and you needed somebody else to point this out to you.
malykoth 10-27-06, 01:53 PM	404. All plants within 30ft begin to smoke, blacken and die... 405. ..all small children in 120ft begin screaming uncontrollably... 406. ...all adults in 60ft begin having homicidal thoughts... 407. ...and you needed somebody else to point this out to you. Why not... 408. ...all small children in 120ft begin to smoke, blacken and die. 409. ...all plants within 30ft begin screaming uncontrollably. ...good times! :tongue:
malykoth 10-27-06, 01:56 PM	This one near made me physically sick thinking about it.....I LOVED it!!! You could have slaves excavate and haul the scab-tissue out in 10 foot cubes and then carve the cubes into beautiful "scab-statues" of your god! ...is that a number? Sure! 410. Statues molded or carved out of giant blocks of dried blood!
Toran_A_Sunder 10-27-06, 02:11 PM	You could have slaves excavate and haul the scab-tissue out in 10 foot cubes and then carve the cubes into beautiful "scab-statues" of your god! ...is that a number? Sure! 410. Statues molded or carved out of giant blocks of dried blood! :clap: You get 100 cool points for taking it to the next nasty level.
johnny_reb_21 10-27-06, 05:19 PM	411: while carving dried blood statues you eat the chips. those to big to eat are used as soap.
malykoth 10-27-06, 05:42 PM	411: while carving dried blood statues you eat the chips. those to big to eat are used as soap. 412: or cut them into thin strips, boil them in virgin tears, and presto...vampire ramen!
General_Ridley 10-27-06, 10:56 PM	413. Your typical shopping list includes: 5 lbs black onyx one human femur elven bone marrow three severed heads ~1 human ~ 1 Elven ~ 1 Dwarven a tuxedo made of halfling skins a tie made from mindflayer tentacles One balor with which to replace your heart
Lycanthromancer 10-28-06, 01:26 AM	414. Your Nightmare-Before-Solstice-OMG-I'm-Late-With-My-Shopping-List includes the following: Twelve halflings screaming Eleven assassins sniping Ten demons leaping Nine Hades lancing Eight maids a-weeping Seven spawns a-swimming (in the blood of the innocent) Six freaks a-slaying Five faceless things Four shrieking souls Three flensed 'friends' Two elf-skin gloves And a heartless sacrificee.
Toran_A_Sunder 10-28-06, 01:32 AM	414. Your Nightmare-Before-Solstice-OMG-I'm-Late-With-My-Shopping-List includes the following: Twelve halflings screaming Eleven assassins sniping Ten demons leaping Nine Hades lancing Eight maids a-weeping Seven spawns a-swimming (in the blood of the innocent) Six freaks a-slaying Five faceless things Four shrieking souls Three flensed 'friends' Two elf-skin gloves And a heartless sacrificee. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I'm saving this to sing at christmas.
Grod_The_Giant 10-28-06, 07:58 AM	414. Your Nightmare-Before-Solstice-OMG-I'm-Late-With-My-Shopping-List includes the following: Twelve halflings screaming Eleven assassins sniping Ten demons leaping Nine Hades lancing Eight maids a-weeping Seven spawns a-swimming (in the blood of the innocent) Six freaks a-slaying Five faceless things Four shrieking souls Three flensed 'friends' Two elf-skin gloves And a heartless sacrificee. :clap: I applaud you, Lycanthromancer. And tip my hat too you :tiphat: . This is just so sick, twisted and funny.
DMs_Favourite 10-28-06, 05:30 PM	415: You actually think the idea of creating a Psuedonatural Half-Dragon Half-Fiend Tarrasque would be fun..... 416: You actually convince someone else that it is a good idea!
Grod_The_Giant 10-28-06, 08:13 PM	415: You actually think the idea of creating a Psuedonatural Half-Dragon Half-Fiend Tarrasque would be fun..... 416: You actually convince someone else that it is a good idea! doesn't that mean more then half of the people on these boards are cultists of evil gods?:P
DMs_Favourite 10-28-06, 09:53 PM	Isn't that why this thread was started? And after some quick calculations our Tarrasque now flies, has spell like abilities including 1/day True Strike!!!, a breath weapon and approx. 1000hp now that he uses d12s for hit dice....
R.M.G.C.L.F. 10-29-06, 12:40 AM	417: You're church does its fundraising by an annual event Ritualistic Orgy, Blood Rite, Dragon Sacrifice, and Bake Sale.
DarkKestral 10-29-06, 01:15 AM	417: You're church does its fundraising by an annual event Ritualistic Orgy, Blood Rite, Dragon Sacrifice, and Bake Sale. 418: As above, but the bake sale has products such as "Mom's best long pig loaf" and "Vampire's Favorite Cookies"
extraordinarilyAverageJoe 10-29-06, 01:01 AM	419. You end most of your sermons with, "MUA HA HA HA HA HA," or something to that effect. 420. You end most of your sentances with, "MUA HA HA HA HA HA," or something to that effect. 421. You cast <i>Control Weather</i> and it rains frogs. 422. Your parents taught you the value of safety in the torture room at an early age.
Dex 10-29-06, 01:13 AM	423. When you can't sleep you don't count sheep; you count the corpses pinned to the ceiling.
Bob the Efreet 10-29-06, 02:48 PM	423. When you can't sleep you don't count sheep; you count the corpses pinned to the ceiling. Corpses? That just means you haven't been properly maintaining your ceiling.
UnrelentingHoror 10-29-06, 04:50 PM	Corpses? That just means you haven't been properly maintaining your ceiling. No, actually its more of a laziness thing. I mean who in their right mind would have corpses nailed to the cieling when they could have...... Dismemebered human bits mobiles(fingers, toes, eyes, ears, possibly even trouser dwelling cyclopean serpeants) also wind chimes made of human bones is cool too. SO yeah, only way your gonna have corpses on your ceiling is if your too lazy for arts & crafts time.
malykoth 10-29-06, 07:09 PM	No, actually its more of a laziness thing. I mean who in their right mind would have corpses nailed to the cieling when they could have...... Dismemebered human bits mobiles(fingers, toes, eyes, ears, possibly even trouser dwelling cyclopean serpeants) also wind chimes made of human bones is cool too. SO yeah, only way your gonna have corpses on your ceiling is if your too lazy for arts & crafts time. Maybe they're just going for a minimalist, zen-like approach. Sometimes there's a subtle beauty in just watching corpses rot naturally, as opposed to arts & crafts every time. Besides, the dripping fluids and other effluvia can make for a convenient midnight snack.
syrinth 10-29-06, 07:23 PM	424. When you practice Feng Shui with dismembered corpses. Remember, place a severed elf head in the highest corner of your chapel for fortune ;). 425. When your name is so synonymous with evil that Truespeakers can't even speak it. 426. As above except when you yourself can no longer speak your mundane name. 427. When your zen rock garden is filled with teeth, not tiny grains of sand or rocks. 428. When food and drink turns foul and corrupted by merely being touched by you. 429. When you can gain sustenance from it anyways.
UnrelentingHoror 10-29-06, 08:10 PM	Maybe they're just going for a minimalist, zen-like approach. Sometimes there's a subtle beauty in just watching corpses rot naturally, as opposed to arts & crafts every time. Besides, the dripping fluids and other effluvia can make for a convenient midnight snack. Man, I don't know. If I was gonna go the whole corpse route, I'd still have to do something to it like.... I don't know, folding it's arms over it's chest and wrapping it in razorwire then hang it upside down or something.
Dex 10-30-06, 02:57 AM	430. You wear a freaky clown suit like UnrelentingHoror's avatar ^
UnrelentingHoror 10-30-06, 03:31 AM	430. You wear a freaky clown suit like UnrelentingHoror's avatar ^ LOL thats pretty good, I actually feel kind of proud now :w00t: wow, goes to show how sad my life really is:raincloud 404: whenever you worship your god she shows up and her shadow causes you to get splakked by numerous invisible blades. :lop: (ok so technically shes more neutral/enigmatic than evil but hey.)
kaizer_soatze 11-05-06, 02:15 AM	432:one pennance for your sins is having your teath pulled out then eating them
fiendkiller 11-05-06, 04:13 PM	433: When, as you walk past a cathedral to Pelor, you suddenly start crying. 434; When you, a 20th level adventurer, are confronted with going into Heironeus' cathedral, you say "But...but I think I saw a Stirge go in there! How can you expect me to go there?!?!" fiendkiller
General_Ridley 11-05-06, 06:07 PM	435) The sounds of Dethklok and Dimmu Borgir are your lullaby music 436) If at first you don't succeed, continually remove body parts until you do.
Prak, the Mad 11-06-06, 05:22 PM	435) The sounds of Dethklok and Dimmu Borgir are your lullaby music 436) If at first you don't succeed, continually remove body parts until you do. 437)When Cannibal Corpse is your lullaby music. (yes, I actually fell asleep listening to CC once, no my dreams were fine actually.)
UnrelentingHoror 11-06-06, 10:13 PM	since were on music.... 438: When songs such as saturday night or Helena by the misfits is your idea of a touching romantic song and you see nothing odd about the lyrics. 439: When your home burned CD collection of mood music has a "tunes to torture by" compilation in it. 440: Evening mass involves human sacrifice, cannibalism, vampirism, and a CD of Kenny G's greatest hits. (and yes in case you were wondering, I do indeed find Kenny G frightening)
Lunas_Argent 11-06-06, 10:36 PM	423. When you can't sleep you don't count sheep; you count the corpses pinned to the ceiling. Sure, just rub them in your hair for static electricity.
Lunas_Argent 11-06-06, 10:48 PM	441: You give your sweetheart a homemade mixed tape of the screams of your sweeties family being flensed, having their eyes gouged out, and being forced to devour each others entrails. 442: She likes it 443: And uses it as lullaby music 444: For your children 445: The dead ones you animated to watch them eat their parents 446: And then adopted because you found them so gosh darn adorable 447: Said childrens dollys and plush toys have sharp metal things poked through them and all the eyes ripped out
Lunas_Argent 11-06-06, 10:57 PM	448: You belong to the church of Spongebob Squarepants (yes, there really is such a church, at least last I heard) 449: You havent bothered to buy the BoVD yet since thats like a ranger buying a cubscout handbook 450: Since you dont yet own the BoVD, you have to rely on the question "What would Anton Le'Vey do?" 451: You realize that what Anton Le'Vey would do seems droll and has no panache 452: Instead of killing innocent children, you brainwash them and send them out into the world to spread more evil and carnage 453: You brainwash them with the most horrible torture imaginable, The Public School System
Lunas_Argent 11-06-06, 11:47 PM	454: The offering plate is the gilded skull of the previous Pastor/High Priest 455: Who was killed by the current Pastor/High priest 456: For being to nice after said former P/HP only tortured and immolated all the orphans of the world I find this thread fun and amusing for some odd reason, keep up the "bad" work
Lunas_Argent 11-07-06, 10:53 AM	457: Stephen King drops by your church for ideas. 458: Poe drops by your church for ideas 459: Devils drop by your church for ideas
Prak, the Mad 11-07-06, 01:08 PM	450: Since you dont yet own the BoVD, you have to rely on the question "What would Anton Le'Vey do?" 451: You realize that what Anton Le'Vey would do seems droll and has no panache is that supposed to be an insult? not to mention LaVey was all about panache...
Lunas_Argent 11-07-06, 01:59 PM	Not intended as an insult, after all the thread is meant to be humorous, and as he was all about panache, if someone else thought his panache was droll and boring, wouldnt that say something about the other persons panache? As I said, it wasnt mean as an insult. Ive never even studied La'Vey to be honest, just read about him. Im more into the Claviculas Solomonas, being as I am christian. Although Cabalistic studies (as they are Hebrew) meld well with the Solomonic books. But once again, no, no insult intended. Besides, if anyone found his charismatic panache droll, I bet La'Vay himself would have been amused.
Toran_A_Sunder 11-07-06, 02:09 PM	[QUOTE=UnrelentingHoror]438: When songs such as saturday night or Helena by the misfits is your idea of a touching romantic song and you see nothing odd about the lyrics.[QUOTE] I love you for this. They're one of my favorite bands, and my friend and I used to sing both songs when we were in HS years ago at school functions and such. We'd ALWAYS sing Saturday Night. It was our song... :D We actually sang "Don't Open Till Doomsday" on our way to the football field one day when there was a bomb threat.
Joni-san 11-07-06, 02:13 PM	We actually sang "Don't Open Till Doomsday" on our way to the football field one day when there was a bomb threat. Go 4chan! 460: You know you're a cultist of an evil god when /B/ bosters consider you a sick, disturbing person. Bonus points if they are afraid of you.
Prak, the Mad 11-07-06, 03:29 PM	Not intended as an insult, after all the thread is meant to be humorous, and as he was all about panache, if someone else thought his panache was droll and boring, wouldnt that say something about the other persons panache? As I said, it wasnt mean as an insult. Ive never even studied La'Vey to be honest, just read about him. Im more into the Claviculas Solomonas, being as I am christian. Although Cabalistic studies (as they are Hebrew) meld well with the Solomonic books. But once again, no, no insult intended. Besides, if anyone found his charismatic panache droll, I bet La'Vay himself would have been amused. ok, just a tad touchy, as people will make that kind of connection in an insulting way more often than not, and yeah, Lavey would be amused by someone who thought his panache was droll... hell, I wonder what he'd have thought of the BoVD...
UnrelentingHoror 11-07-06, 03:35 PM	441: You give your sweetheart a homemade mixed tape of the screams of your sweeties family being flensed, having their eyes gouged out, and being forced to devour each others entrails. 442: She likes it 443: And uses it as lullaby music 444: For your children 445: The dead ones you animated to watch them eat their parents 446: And then adopted because you found them so gosh darn adorable 447: Said childrens dollys and plush toys have sharp metal things poked through them and all the eyes ripped out My good god, this post has just earned you the UnrelentingHoror Seal of Excellence in Malevolant Endeavors! New favourite poster for that one. Also, thanks Toran. The Misfits are in fact Awesome, even though my musical tastes have begun to drift away from the punk spectrum they're still one of my favs. hehe, bombscares....ahhh highschool, good times :D
UnrelentingHoror 11-07-06, 03:47 PM	ok heres some. 461: Your god dwells on the 1,337th layer of the abyss.... And possesses the domains of: Chaos, Evil, Idiocy, and Ganking. 462: Much like 461, but your god lives in the 13th realm of eternal poo and all of his fiendish minions have the fecal template. 463: 462 is true and your god's fav phrase is "Foolish mortal, you shall feel my fecal wrath!". 464: Your god also employs an endless army of fiendish dire monkeys who can drop an elephant from 12 miles away with a single fling of their ..... well you get the idea. okay last one on this topic, I pormise. 465: Your church is called The Temple of Excremental Evil.
Lunas_Argent 11-07-06, 04:43 PM	My good god,... Thanks:D Ive seen others sig praises to themselves so I went ahead and did that. Its my first praise good enough to sig:w00t: Of course its the only thing Ive said worth any praise;)
UnrelentingHoror 11-07-06, 05:22 PM	Thanks:D Ive seen others sig praises to themselves so I went ahead and did that. Its my first praise good enough to sig:w00t: Of course its the only thing Ive said worth any praise;) :heehee coolness, someones quoting me in their sig. i've now joined the ranks of Oscar Wilde, Darth Vader, and that one orco lookin guy from that one web comic. ahh how proud I am :evillaugh
Omnirahk, half-Rahkshi 11-07-06, 10:17 PM	When you pray for death and you don't mean to die. When you serve a being that goes only by He, or She, or the Nameless One. When your master's existance has been used to prove that a loving God (or any good deity) does not exist.
Lunas_Argent 11-08-06, 01:44 AM	Well, that takes care of 466, 467, and 468. Now... 469) Your deity wears a bright yellow jumper, has a big poofy red afro, dead white skin, and a large area around his mouth stained with the blood of the souls of fat children who died of heart attacks/diabetes/high blood pressure/high cholestoral at his greasy hands; all for a 50 cent toy made in china of the characters from the latest animated bigscreen films 470) Your deity owns the studio that produced said movies only to swindle you out of your hard earned money by using cute little creatures in said movies to cast charm spells on your children so they want to see said movies and then buy every possible variation of evey character from said movies 471) You are a character in said movies
pale_enchantress 11-10-06, 04:06 PM	472. When your church has a landing pad for new Radiant Idols, 473. Your churches wedding cerimony involved one lover disembowling and perserving the others dead remains for the fun on the wedding night. 474. When you dont mind being the one that gets disembowled. 475. And the thought of becomeing a larvae afterwards gives you the giggles. 476. And being the lucky larvae to be used in night hag reproduction gives you a boner. 477. You refer to your animated zombies as your harem.
leather_book_wizard 11-10-06, 05:35 PM	Well, that takes care of 466, 467, and 468. Now... 469) Your deity wears a bright yellow jumper, has a big poofy red afro, dead white skin, and a large area around his mouth stained with the blood of the souls of fat children who died of heart attacks/diabetes/high blood pressure/high cholestoral at his greasy hands; all for a 50 cent toy made in china of the characters from the latest animated bigscreen films It's RonalD McDonald,lol!
Grod_The_Giant 11-10-06, 07:27 PM	you just realized that? and you didn't know he was an evil, soul-stealing demon?
IrishRover 11-10-06, 09:47 PM	478. When the sacred music is rap.
DarkKestral 11-11-06, 05:49 AM	479: You rejoice that the End of Days is being brought about and your lord and master will scorch the earth, punish unbelievers, smite the holy, and send the souls of those living and dead into eternal d***ation. 480: The above happens, and you were the one that made it all possible. 481: Your house looks like a torture chamber because it is a torture chamber. 482: Your god is an insanity-inducing horror from outside time and space that will destroy humanity when summoned.
Draconian_Cloud 11-12-06, 08:42 AM	483. When you hire orcs to murder your entire party for saying that your undead are useless. 484. Then animate there corpses as they fall to help the orcs. 485. When the orcs are done you sacrifice half and polymorph the rest into human chilldren. 486. And then eat said children at a dinner party you invited the local mothers to. :eek: 487. When you name is Draconian Cloud the Child Eater. :D
Grod_The_Giant 11-12-06, 08:57 AM	478. When the sacred music is rap. :ayyyy!: you win the thread, IrishRover. No questions asked. :ayyyy!:
Draconian_Cloud 11-12-06, 09:05 AM	488. When you fill the need to paint every thing red... with blood.
Lunas_Argent 11-13-06, 03:22 AM	489) Your churchs spires double as impaling posts 490) Your churchs bells double as torture devices 491) Your altar doubles as a rotisary barbeque big enough for all your canibalistic ritual needs 492) And if you act now youll get the church-spire-that-doubles-as-an-impaling-post, the-church-bells-that-double-as-torture-devices, the-rotisary-BBQ-altar-big-enough-for-all-your-canibalistic-needs and Ill throw in the Amazing Handy Dandy Slicer. No more rusty dull scalpels, the Amazing Handy Dandy Slicer makes human vivisection a snap. Just a few slices and your ready to serve chilled intestines in no time!
Richmud 11-13-06, 10:08 AM	492) And if you act now youll get the church-spire-that-doubles-as-an-impaling-post, the-church-bells-that-double-as-torture-devices, the-rotisary-BBQ-altar-big-enough-for-all-your-canibalistic-needs and Ill throw in the Amazing Handy Dandy Slicer. No more rusty dull scalpels, the Amazing Handy Dandy Slicer makes human vivisection a snap. Just a few slices and your ready to serve chilled intestines in no time! 493. But you prefer the rusty dull scalpels because it hurts the victims more
Lunas_Argent 11-16-06, 12:09 AM	493. But you prefer the rusty dull scalpels because it hurts the victims more Who cares what the victim likes?
Richmud 11-16-06, 02:06 PM	Who cares what the victim likes? Because people taste better the more pain they suffer prior to death....Not that I would know anything about that
Arien_Drajanuma 11-16-06, 03:08 PM	494 - You're currently researching the way to apply the following templates to a baboon: -Titanic -Pseudonatural (the epic one) -Paragon -Winged -give it divine ranks ....and hope he becomes Cthulhu
Prak, the Mad 11-16-06, 03:40 PM	494 - You're currently researching the way to apply the following templates to a baboon: -Titanic -Pseudonatural (the epic one) -Paragon -Winged -give it divine ranks ....and hope he becomes Cthulhu you forgot draconic...
Lunas_Argent 11-19-06, 06:56 PM	495)Because people taste better the more pain they suffer prior to death....Not that I would know anything about that
Alpha_Moose 11-19-06, 08:59 PM	496) When the Borg refused to assimilate you. 497) When Nero doesn't creep you out.
Slightly_Unscrewed 11-19-06, 09:09 PM	498: When a average walk in the park involves fighting off paladins that have come to kill you, and sacrificing them. 499: When Chaotic evil gods approve of your decor 500: When the the following words are above the door into your house; Abandon all hope, ye who enter there.
Grod_The_Giant 11-19-06, 09:45 PM	500: When the the following words are above the door into your house; Abandon all hope, ye who enter there. Isn't that above the door of every school? Not that they aren't shrines to evil, of course.
The_Shaman 11-20-06, 01:03 PM	Woot! We reached 500 :D 501: When your preparations for a blind date include transmutations, necromancy spells, and your trusty scalpel "Just in case it's a rip-off like last time. Serious, they call that a blind date?" 502: When your significant other HATES silverware 503: When your character refers to the greatest fiends by pet names - and they do likewise. 504: When the only reason "normal" people would speak to you outside of your dungeon is to ask you about Halloween decorations 505: When you can't mouth the phrase "God save the King!" without bursting in laughter 506: When after you use an utensil for 2 weeks, it costs at least 9000 gp as an unholy weapon. 507: When neonate fiends are told that one day, if they behave just like you, they can rule the legions of ((Insert name of evil plane here)) 508: When you don't need to trademark your evil cackle, simply because no one could do it quite like you. 509: When in a marketing ploy Wizards has contacted you in order to buy rights over your name for the reprint of BoVD. They figure it will sound much cooler if it's ((your name here))'s Book of Vile Darkness 510: When you need a packet of mint chewing gum and mouthwash to get rid of that brimstone breath.
SpawnOfMorgoth 11-23-06, 03:18 PM	When you gather round the Thanksgiving table... 511. you take up your family on their invitation BECAUSE you hate them so much and think that your company is a pretty fair punishment for them. 512. the old man says grace and you are thankful for the plentiful supply of peons (living and dead) that you can command to do your bidding. 513. immediately after grace you remembered the movie 'American Pie,' and fail to resist the charms of that lovely turkey filled with all that warm moist stuffing. 514. you taunt your dad to start carving and call out your mom's and sister's names before you finish. 515. afterward you realize that your entire family is 'straight' (non-evil cultist types), and relish the looks on their faces. <stops before carefully worded inferences become too blatant> 516. you deem the above described family gathering (and the implied aftermath I failed to report) to be one of those "Mastercard Moments" ('priceless'). Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Ogre4Hire 11-24-06, 02:15 AM	517 Hextor sends an avatar to your house just to take notes on decorating. 518 You use Nerull as a personal reference.
TheAnthroDM 11-24-06, 02:54 AM	519) When neither you or your spouse if a fiend, but somehow you're children all have the half-fiend template.
Atsettam 11-24-06, 03:19 AM	520) Wizards of the Coast names a pit fiend in your honor 521) Sinners are damned to suffer at your hands 522) The gods have given up trying to protect their worshippers from you, their having a hard enough time protecting themselves from you.
TheAnthroDM 11-24-06, 03:36 AM	523) When you find the works of Poe to be a suitable bed time story for your three year old daughter.
Grod_The_Giant 11-24-06, 08:07 AM	524. when you work as a consultant for hell/the abyss 525. on tourture 526. and you get really mad because the way they torture people is so primative and painless, compared to yours.
Red Dragon 11-24-06, 11:50 AM	527: Whenever someone speaks your name, lightning hits the nearest tree and thunder rolls ominously, whatever the weather happens to be like at the moment. 528: 527 happens because your best friend, the party wizard, wished for it specifically because he thought it would fit. 529: When you hit a balor on a random encounter, and the balor's response is to prostrate itself before you, chanting "Hail the dark lord *your name*" while sweating like a pig.
The_Shaman 11-25-06, 03:28 PM	530: Alternatively, 529 ends up in the balor becoming a follower (unless it has 5+ character levels, in which case it may have the honor of being a cohort) 531: Cyric and Bane's greatest enmity is about how your ascention should be done. They figure it's only a matter of time anyway, and they much prefer to be on your, er, "good" side. but to get back down into (slightly) pre-epic levels... 532: when trading souls to the yugoloths, you get their VIP customer rates. 533: you keep copies of Playfiend for those late-night reading sessions. 534: - and not only do you have a life-and-afterlife-time subscription, but your letters are printed in every issue. 535: - because of these letters, secretly all their editors have all began a romantic correspondence with you. 536: when wannabe-blackguards ask you for etiquette tips.
sauriel 11-26-06, 01:08 AM	537. you own everything in sets of 6 538. the lords of the nine hells must atone after mentioning your deity 539. your name causes fiends to wet themselves 540. children projectile vomit at the thought of you 541. light rays turn around and run from you/ your diety 542. asmodious calls you creepy
johnny_reb_21 11-26-06, 07:47 AM	543. your idea of a romantic date is a picnic overlooking a battle of the blood war, while you eat pickled babies and drink angle tears with your animated zombie girlfriend. 544. demons and devils during said battle in 543 stop fighting to lay prostrate while spending over 10 minutes to ramble about your magnificence 545. in an attempt to get you to lead them to planar domination
Ogre4Hire 11-26-06, 12:38 PM	546 You always Message people while they're eating dinner. :D
Red Dragon 11-26-06, 03:35 PM	547: You are a plain vanilla human, yet Yeeonghu and Orcus have both begged you to adpot them.:D 548: You have a kid, and realize that you're just as scary as the Toddler TV she watches. 549: You get asked to replace your kid's high school vice principal, because you're far scarier than him. 550: When planes-hopping, the Grey Waste gets its soul eaten by YOU when IT fails a Fortitude save. 551: You can turn silver black by touching it.
Tarascon 11-28-06, 05:29 PM	551. Wherever you go, Ted the mindflayer follows you with his thumbs up. Hail Ted!:coolcthul 552. You killed Black Leaf.
Ciradin 12-06-06, 06:24 PM	553. When the words "all extraplanar creatures with the good descripitior" and "restraining order" appear in the same sentance.
General_Ridley 12-06-06, 07:12 PM	554. Your rebirth as a hellbred was accidental.
FromTheShadows 12-06-06, 08:06 PM	555. At the end of your community events, there is no community. 556. For you, interior decoration refers to where the decorations come from, not where they happen to be going.
johnny_reb_21 12-08-06, 12:24 AM	557. if the answer to "what would cathulu do?" when used to solve a question about your faith would entail any of the following: cry, run in terror, beg for mercy, shyt himself, die of fright, convert to a different religion, pray to Ao to make it stop, stammer unintelligibly or bow down in fear
johnny_reb_21 12-08-06, 12:44 AM	558. if you ahve ever had another pc follow you to a cemetary so you could "heal" them in your dieties "presence and then somehow they end up unconscience on an altar and you end up with either darkcraft xp, darkcraft gold, or a wish
Khadmus 12-23-06, 12:25 PM	If your pet is the things that goes ":bump:" in the night.
Dex 12-23-06, 09:55 PM	560. YOU start being summoned by cultists to bring about the End Of The World while adventurers try to stop them.
Red Dragon 12-25-06, 12:30 PM	561. You introduce yourself to a total stranger and ask his name. His response is "Oh god! PLEASEDON'TKILLME!!" 562. Strangely, you meet a lot of people who have that name. 563. And you can't quite figure out why.
Corpsekin 12-25-06, 04:13 PM	564:You sleep with the Libris Mortis under your pillow 565:You wear x-ray goggles all the time because its easyer to relate to people if you see them as skeletons 566:Good players gain negative levels for uttering your name 567:Fiends come to you seeking advice and guidance 568:When an order of paladins declares a crusade against you 569:When peoples' heads explode if they use detect evil near you 570:Animals flee from your pressance 571:You have a hotel room permently reserved for you in the negative energy plane 572:When your armour check penalty increases by 5 due to the sheer weight of the spikes on your armour 573:When you come across statues praising your deeds while wondering around the negative energy plane 574:When you are invited to parties hosted by the archdukes of hell
Corpsekin 12-25-06, 04:45 PM	575:You write the BoEVE(Book of Extremely Vile Darkness) which causes hell to disown you 576:After you kill the fools that tried to disown you you take control over the 9 hells 577:Now that you are in charge the scale of suffering increases 10 fold
Red Dragon 12-25-06, 05:10 PM	575. Whenever you meet someone named Ohgod Pleasedon'tkillme, you ask to be remembered to his/her second cousin by the same name. 576. When Kore, Black Mage, Miko Miyazaki, and Jorgen Von Strangle meet in a bar and decide to form a party to kill you in your sleep. 577. And no one takes a penalty for associating with good/evil/neutral beings. 578. And don't lose paladin abilities for plotting to kill you in your sleep. 579. And fail horribly. 580. When you think that Murphy was an amatauer.
Corpsekin 12-25-06, 05:46 PM	581:When you regard your deity's planar heralds as drinking buddies 582:When you regard good planar heralds as victims 583:When you have conversations on how a cube of force would improve a nucleur weapon 584:When your DM has to try to find a reason why you can't use boots of gravity(planar handbook) to build a base on the moon 585:When your backround story for the evil civilization you want to build is double the length of your school essays 586:When youcreate a lvl16 blackgaurd ghost with an AC of 58: just to sing 'Can't touch this' when your DM sends monsters to attack you 579:When you play so many RPG's that you dream in third person 580:When you use a feat from the libris mortis as your screen name
johnny_reb_21 12-26-06, 09:49 AM	586:When youcreate a lvl16 blackgaurd ghost with an AC of 58: just to sing 'Can't touch this' when your DM sends monsters to attack you. lol i'd like to see the build/equip....lols sounds like something id do to tick off my friend ben...
zzakk2to2 12-27-06, 12:40 PM	587) your cult does not allow the reading of this thread because its ideas are so lame compared to what they are like. 588) your so evil when you go back in time you find that you are the father of all the evil gods and the source of evil.
itwasntme 12-27-06, 01:34 PM	When your level 8 fighter turned out to have 40+ AC Legitly ... When your level 1 fighter turns out to do more damage then the level 8 rouge in the party with the SA When your kobolt Scor has a wish and wants to be a Peacekeeper/Pasifist and is fighting a Ghost useing your wish to heal the Ghost you find out that it killed him insteed when you found out that your LG Paladin can do evil acts and not break the CoC and thus stay as a paladin ... then you murder half the town and stay as a LG Paladin just to **** off ur DM and fellow friends and to show off and forceing a new game to start up ... When your self and fellow party members basicly create the Borge when your invadeing the underdark and stay as a CG characters even when ur Borge race is rapeing the Drow Clerics ... (What we called the Race we seemed to have created in that game ...) When your party finds out that in just about evey single game you guys play in together that allows SOME Freedom ... that you and ur friends start abuseing it and make the most PERFECT peacefull game into a Mass murdering/Rapeing game without meaning to When your character gets sent to Raven Loft just becouse you where told there was no way your character can get in bed with the barmaid then later that night ... When your character gets turned into a monkey and still keep his mind/powers but is stuck like a monkey ... You then suddenly find ur self out side of the burning town ... When your character suddenly enters a Frenzy and ruins ur in game Friends marrage and ruined the wedding ... and had to pay for a Res for BOTH of them ... When a friend gets mad at you for useing him as a human shield and tosses you at the BEEG and you end up being able to do more then 1k+ damage on the toss and having the BEEG body land on the ppl you where so pos to "Save" ... Eh ... i have more A bunch of week ones and good ones i gave a mix of both above (both good/bad)
aelryinth 12-27-06, 05:42 PM	589) When you and your lovely lady friend go out to paint the town red, you mean something a trifle more sanguine. ===Ael
grok_grok 12-28-06, 08:49 PM	590 - Your Temple has a Starbucks right next to another Starbucks
Skritz_the_Lizardmen 12-29-06, 04:45 PM	591) Sauron is your poor abused underling! 592) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TunzVTGHURE...this happen everyday into your house! 593) Asmodeus loose is job because of you.... 594) ...Cthulu too... 595) ...and all very high CR evil outsider! 596) Even George W. Bush too!!! 597) Just approaching your temple give people the corrupted template... 598) You can reduce someone wisdom to zero by touching them! 599) When you enter the higher plane whitouth corrupting them! 600) Your official prayer is: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NYUAAAARGH GLABUUUUAAAAAAAAA NUAAAAAAAAAAAAGL! 601) Only YOu know what that mean... 602) ....cuz translating it in common break reality!
Alpha_Moose 12-29-06, 09:57 PM	590 - Your Temple has a Starbucks right next to another Starbucks ...with a Starbucks in your temple, which is a giant Starbucks. 591) Sauron is your poor abused underling! Morgoth is your poor abused underling.
Corpsekin 01-04-07, 03:15 AM	lol i'd like to see the build/equip....lols sounds like something id do to tick off my friend ben... mithril +5 mechanis armour (ac 15, max dex2), +5 defending longsword(ac5) +5mithril tower shield(ac9) +5 ring prot +5 natural armour amulet, thats 41, the dodge feat(1ac), the shield specialization feat from the phb2(ac1) dusty rose iourn stone(1ac) +5 combat expertise, +2 attacking defensivly thats 50. being a small creature then gives you another 2.Thats as high as i can remember tbh, tho a kobold or gnome duelist-monk-ghost is also hard to hit lol
Kassil 01-04-07, 03:33 AM	594: When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hear that you're around and decide that they can take the day off because you'll do the job for them. 595: An all-devouring god of destruction awakens from an eons-long slumber, and your gods sends you to slap him around and tell him to heel. 596: Joining your cult doesn't open up a prestige class, it afflicts you with a template with a ridiculous LA. 597: And people are complaining about how the LA is way too low for the power.
Corpsekin 01-04-07, 12:27 PM	598:Your ofspring have wings, natural armour and more heads then limbs 599:When victi...erm willing sacrifices beg for mercy and you stare blankly at them then turn to one of your henchmen to ask him what mercy is 600:Your mad laughter lasts for over 3 minutes and counts as a sound attack 601:You send a message to the good deities asking them to make some new comandments for you to break because you have gotten bored of breaking the same old ones over and over 602:The good deities demand that if you are going to interfeer with the world of mortals you should have a handicap otherwise its unfair
Kesuk2k5 01-04-07, 07:36 PM	Sorry if these have been said already, but that's a lot of posts to go through. :p 603: The book of vile darkness was mandatory reading in grade school. 604: There's both demonic blood and diabolic blood in your family tree, and you don't have the heart to wash it off. 605: You can't write manslaughter without laughing.
Bob the Efreet 01-05-07, 01:43 AM	mithril +5 mechanis armour (ac 15, max dex2), +5 defending longsword(ac5) +5mithril tower shield(ac9) +5 ring prot +5 natural armour amulet, thats 41, the dodge feat(1ac), the shield specialization feat from the phb2(ac1) dusty rose iourn stone(1ac) +5 combat expertise, +2 attacking defensivly thats 50. being a small creature then gives you another 2.Thats as high as i can remember tbh, tho a kobold or gnome duelist-monk-ghost is also hard to hit lol Small is only +1. However, toss in 5 ranks of tumble and the fighting defensively goes up to +3, and use Improved Combat Expertise to take away that +5 cap. However, I'm reasonably confident an unarmoured monk/duelist could jack its AC higher than one walking around in heavy armour.
Corpsekin 01-05-07, 03:19 AM	yes the duelist/mont/ghost wouldnt wear armour, but it adds wisdom charisma and intelegence to ac which is sick imo
Manyfist 01-05-07, 04:19 AM	606.) When you can finally pronounce your Dieties true-name without dieing. 607.) When you can spell your dieties true-name without spell check.
Can_bards_play_HeavyMetal 01-07-07, 04:18 PM	608. When you build aqueducts to take blood away from your temple
Kassil 01-08-07, 06:47 PM	609. When you have to learn a freakish combination of Infernal, Abyssal, and Dark Speech in order to even pronounce your god's name, much less any of the words of his rituals. 610. Most of your staff are either undead, fiendish, or pseudonatural. 611. The collection tray gets passed around and comes back devoid of money, but piled with all kinds of organs. 612. No one in your church can get anything but an Imp or a Quasit for a familiar. 613. Your church is operating under the influence of an unhallow spell without anyone ever having cast it. 614. An unspeakable new force of evil and depravity is born... And you hold the baby shower.
johnny_reb_21 01-09-07, 01:43 PM	615: all the dieties good nuetral and evil get together summon you then cast you down through the nine hells creating 4 more levels of hell and you rule the thirteenth...oddly no other devils are on your level nor any of the others as the fled in fear....demons also stop attacking the hells seconds after they found out you arrived claiming you lowered the property value and muttering there goes the neiborhood
mkill 01-09-07, 02:03 PM	616. You fervently fight evil - damn upstarts and pesky competition ... unless they join you of course 617. You could say MUAHAHAHAHAAAAA before "mommy" 618. After all, you do enjoy vanilla sex in the missionary position... now that you are immune to level drain 619. E.. Ev.. Eeevee ... nah, you just can speak the word ... now after your name has replaced the opposite of good on the alignment scale.
Eldritch_Lord 01-09-07, 06:18 PM	620. When good clerics ask what kinds of evil deeds you have performed, you pull out (Your name)'s Book of Sins, Vol. I--Aasimar Hunting to Animating Dead and ask them to wait while you find the portable hole with the other 37 volumes. 621. Any paladins hearing your deity's name immediately become blackguards. 622. Any holy symbols in the same town with you are vaporized. 623. If a cleric of your deity looks at a building and think, "Hmmmm, that would make a good temple site," it is immediately desecrated and surrounded by a magic circle against good. 624. Fellow cultists chat about their weekends in the Dark Speech, and saying your deity's name works like blasphemy. 625. You have a vacation home on Nessus... 626. ...which you have on a timeshare with Asmodeus. 627. Any good clerics seeing your temple gouge out their eyes, scream "AAAAAAAAGH!! The EVIL!!" and go insane... 628. ...as do neutral clerics... 629. ...as do evil clerics.:devil: 630. After your high priest offered to arm-wrestle Nerull, Nerull ran away screaming like a little girl. 631. Hannibal Lector teaches a cooking class in your temple.
Grod_The_Giant 01-09-07, 07:12 PM	632. you have maxed ranks in Profession: Torturer 633. ...and 5 items that give bonuses 634. ...and the first thing you bought at 1st level was a set of masterwork torture implements and let's not forget: 635. You work for the public school system
Kassil 01-09-07, 07:26 PM	636. Or any other major bearaucratic organization. 637. Or a major corporation's legal or financial department. 638. When you make a habit of turning Warforged into living, immobile furinture just so it can scream. 639. Particularly if you then buy a few housecats and get them collars of Greater Magic Fang so they can sharpent their claws on your new furniture. 640. You are the direct cause of the Mourning.
Lunas_Argent 01-09-07, 11:21 PM	551: You can turn silver black by touching it. Thats not funny. You try having everything you touch turn black from the negative abyss that is your soul.
johnny_reb_21 01-09-07, 11:26 PM	641: when being judged on the fugue plane and waiting for travel to your dieties home plane it takes over 3 millenia to list each of your transgressions and sins against kobolds alone, and you liked kobolds and took pity on them.
Lunas_Argent 01-09-07, 11:29 PM	642: Prayers chanted in infernal turn everyone within a thousand miles insane, all vegetation withers and dies, old people die or brain hemhorrage, babies are born blind or with multiple heads or limbs, birds fly backwards; and all you've said is grace (or in this case, anti-grace) before your morning meal.
Echoes of Deception 01-10-07, 12:59 AM	92. When you know more methods of murder than they show on crime dramas. And there are some really cool and fascinating ways to kill people. Trust me. 161 (probably): upon hearing of a new weapon so terrible more then 10 religions have banned its use, your church starts a campaign to buy half a dozen. Per person.:evillaugh Screaming, burning children. Those are banned in many religions.
Corpsekin 01-10-07, 02:54 AM	643:When the largest structure on your plannet is the main temple dedicated to you 644:when the temple becomes large enough to affect the planets rotation 645:when you decide that you need a way of sacrificing an entire planet and take a trip to mechanus to do research 646:When you return with the buleprints for a death star
zzakk2to2 01-10-07, 09:01 AM	647) you scoff at the LE NE CE. they are impure after all when you where born they had to invent True Evil. 648) you have been kicked out pf every church for being to evil even the ones that are mentioned in this post. 649) you look at babys and think snack food. 650) when you tried to summon your evil diety a message pops into being saying "he died from fright when you where summoning him so would you please take his place".
Kassil 01-10-07, 01:26 PM	651) Yugoloths regard you as the epitome of Evil to which they aspire. 652) You blind anyone who uses the Detect Evil spell within a mile of you. 653) A category beyond 'Overpowering' had to be invented to describe your evil aura. 654) Pun-Pun was born in an attempt to stop you... 655) And, to everyone's horror, it failed. 656) You think the tears of the innocent, shed in fear and grief, are an excellent drink. 657) Your idea of a hobby is trapping the souls of your foes in crystals and then decorating the temple with lamps that use the trapped souls as power sources. 658) You worked out a way to alloy living souls into metal just so you can hear the screams of your enemies from your silverware, your tankard, your sacrificial dagger, andeverything else. 659) 'Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here' is the official motto of your faith. 660) You worship your god so that you'll be the first to die when the apocalypse comes instead of having to linger. 661) You taught Jack Chick everything he knows about D&D. 662) When an event of unspeakable evil occurs, adventurers turn up on your doorstep for the next month demanding that you atone for your evil ways. 663) Even if you had nothing to do with it. 664) They all still end up decorating your temple, anyway. Why waste good materials? 665) Your idea of an off day is when you don't manage to commit every sin at least once. 666) You visit the Nine Hells, and Asmodeus greets you as an equal.
zzakk2to2 01-10-07, 01:34 PM	667) you kill the guy who took the 666) spot just because its your lucky number and you wanted it.
Kassil 01-10-07, 03:58 PM	668) You trap the guy from 667 as a sacrifice in order to gather the last soul to conquer the world.
zzakk2to2 01-10-07, 04:47 PM	669) you find that you cant die because no one will accept you in the after life
Kassil 01-11-07, 02:28 AM	670) When you die, you go to the Nine Hells, and Asmodeus kicks one of the archdevils out of his place for you. 671) Your daily devotions are sufficient to blight the land for a score of miles in all directions, whip up unnatural weather, and turn the native animals into pseudonatural horrors. 672) Your idea of 'kinky' involves rituals from the Necronomicon. 673) Others punt gnomes. You punt celestials. 674) You sacrifice your firstborn child for a boon from your god, and get a never-ending can of Spam.
johnny_reb_21 01-11-07, 07:29 AM	675) when asmodeus trys his best to set up glaysa with you telling her your the most vile and evil thing he's ever met, and she digs it.
zzakk2to2 01-11-07, 08:45 AM	676) when you do the stuff you post becuase you where board.
Echoes of Deception 01-11-07, 12:53 PM	677) In order to worship your god directly, you must draw his seal into the ground and summon the twisted, unthinkabkle remains of its visage, scorned by reality itself.
Meshakhad 01-11-07, 01:15 PM	678. Your temple's interior decoration scheme is so grotesque that people can die of nausea just by spending a few minutes inside. 679. You exploit this ability for the purposes of human sacrifice. 680. Hextor considers you a threat to civilized order, and has sent his best blackguards against you. 681. Gruumsh considers you a threat to the orc people, and has sent his hordes against you. 682. Vecna considers you a threat to his power, and has sent his cultists against you. 683. Nerull considers you a threat to his monopoly of the undead, and has sent undead armies against you. 684. ERYTHNUL considers you a threat to civilized order, and has sent his Ravagers against you. 685. The above deities have allied in order to stop you. 686. And failed.
Echoes of Deception 01-11-07, 02:16 PM	687) Hi, my name is Drammor.
zzakk2to2 01-11-07, 03:44 PM	688) every day you require a will save or be forced out of reality for being to evil. 689) where other people have a twin of oppisite alignment you have a lawful good god created just to try to balance out your evil.
Echoes of Deception 01-11-07, 05:26 PM	Uhm... you realize that this is a "cultist of an evil god" thread... and not a "you're ridiculously evil" thread, right?
Kassil 01-11-07, 05:44 PM	690) You refer to any other clerics as 'those deluded fools'. 691) Your deity has more tentacles than all other limbs put together. 692) Your deity is said to have been banished from the multiverse by the other gods. 693) The initiation ritual for your faith is a horribly bloody mess that most other evil cults regard as the height of their ceremonies known only to the most dedicated priests.
johnny_reb_21 01-11-07, 11:48 PM	Uhm... you realize that this is a "cultist of an evil god" thread... and not a "you're ridiculously evil" thread, right? i normally only play FR settings so unless you want to get stuck turning into a wall on the fugue plane you have to worship a diety and that means doing thier will...meaning the more evil my char the more devoted he is, less likely he will get stuck turning into a wall and the sooner he can prove his loyaly and date a brachina mwahahahahahaha
Bob the Efreet 01-12-07, 03:33 PM	691) Your deity has more tentacles than all other limbs put together. 694. Your deity has more tentacles than the limbs of all other creatures put together.
halflingofthenorth 01-13-07, 01:06 AM	696.your aura is so great that you have eliminated the paladin class 697.you own every aspect of the entire universe with your pinky
Kassil 01-13-07, 02:29 AM	694. Your deity has more tentacles than the limbs of all other creatures put together. 698. In a fit of mind-twisting non-Euclidean geometries, your god somehow has more tentacles than itself. 699. You are the chief sponsor of either the Forgotten Freedom or the Collateral Damage adventuring company in Eberron.
Slightly_Unscrewed 01-13-07, 10:16 PM	700: You are the chief sponsor of both the Forgotten Freedom and Collateral Damage Adventuring companies in Ebberon, as well as several other adventuring companies of questionable sanity.
Kassil 01-17-07, 03:18 AM	701. When your deity would fit into either of the above mentioned groups without even really being noticable, you are almost certainly serving one of the most vile and twisted gods in all of the multiverse. 702. If even they kick you and your god out as being too creepy and vile to accept, you just broke the Ethical Gravity Barrier and probably caused a new layer to form in the Grey Wastes.
Prak, the Mad 01-18-07, 05:43 PM	Thats not funny. You try having everything you touch turn black from the negative abyss that is your soul. yeah, makes it damned hard to find anything in your stuff...
itwasntme 01-19-07, 03:27 AM	yes the duelist/mont/ghost wouldnt wear armour, but it adds wisdom charisma and intelegence to ac which is sick imo So Dex/Wis/Cha/Int to AC? Eh you need 4 high stats then? Oh ... wait 6 i forgot the 2 important ones Con and Str Eh the guy with AC of 50 just makes sure his STR is 50 as well he only needs 1 high ability! +20 damage from Str ... 2 handed +30 damage ... + Power attack ... eh do i need to list eveything? the guy with ac 50 (this guys build) Only needs 2 differnt stats a Dex of 16 (3 mod) And a high Str (Granted possible ... dount make me pull out my ways of getting beefy str) the Str gives a nice Bonus 2hit eh the Int/Dex/Wis/Cha/Con/Str seems like a high powerd game if you had high enough stats ... point system your not going to get it elite format? not good enough eh what 10d6 re-roll 1/2/ and 3's? eh just seems Like the Int/Wis/Dex/Cha for a high AC seems very unlikly ... and if you want to have HP and Str when you do get hit (Spells or w/e) You need all 6 of the abilitys to help you Seems out of reach in a normol type game while the 50 AC can be done just need the money! Remeber Books can only give +5 to a stat no more so even if u had all the money +5 into 4 abilitys start with 18 in each eh lets make it 20 to help out +5 mod on each so 10+5+5+5+5=30+2+2+2+2 (+5 mod from books) =38 +6 items and +5 ability scores (Lets say ur level 20) means 38+3 (+5 ability into one ability+5 from book gave you +10 str which means 5 AC but 2 of it is allready added so) 41+3+3+3+3 (+6 items)=53 Eh and i gave the character good abilitys to and other stuff ... so your dex/int/wis/cha is like (with magicol items) 20+5(Books)+6(Items)+5(For the 1 with ability added on)=36/31/31/31 i never useoly see a character with that many high ability scors ... eh lets say ur Str and Con is the same 2 just to be nice again well even with all that your only +3 AC from the other guy ... Make ur self small +4 ac from the other guy ... other guy useing other Feats as well ... eh lets say you have as many feats to spare to go into it as well (To be nice yet again) give you +10 AC there Forgot about Ring of Pro +5 and Ammy +5! +10 more ac 74AC ok now where talking! But still you have to have a LOT of high scores i dount see that happning! and i was being very nice if you notised BTW armor that gives 15AC? Where is that located? Or was i misreading something there?
The_Shaman 01-25-07, 06:03 PM	698. In a fit of mind-twisting non-Euclidean geometries, your god somehow has more tentacles than itself. 699. You are the chief sponsor of either the Forgotten Freedom or the Collateral Damage adventuring company in Eberron. :P The family life of a cultist: 700: when you went to pick up your firstborn, you couldn't stop salivating from the moment you entered the maternity ward. 701: When your children get to sacrifice virgins instead of blowing candles for their birthdays. 702: -//- and by their 10th birthday they're so good at it that they get to make a wish
Arien_Drajanuma 02-06-07, 08:47 AM	c'mon, let's get to the 1000! 703 - When you refer to Vecna as "Becky" and Tiamat as "Timmy"
zzakk2to2 02-06-07, 08:56 AM	704 - and you dont get killed for the above
syrinth 02-06-07, 11:47 AM	705. Not for lack of trying though.
Arien_Drajanuma 02-07-07, 09:00 AM	706 - And they're ok with it! 707 - when you go around the world forcing everyone to wear "+3 humanbane wounding vicious CHASTITY BELTS" (that last one goes in honor to an acquaintance, Mystik's Avatar!)
gullas 02-07-07, 09:25 AM	708 : when somebody asks you if your lawfull and you answere "Lawfull , bah:P"
Rogue Shadows 02-07-07, 10:24 AM	709: When your god is so Chaotic Evil that he's actually looped around the Clock of Alignment and so is also Lawful Good.
zzakk2to2 02-07-07, 10:26 AM	710. your gods so evil he does not need another alignment
Kassil 02-08-07, 04:58 PM	711. Your holy text refers to other evil gods as 'footstools'.
zzakk2to2 02-08-07, 05:08 PM	712) it also refers to the strongest lawful good god as chair
Adrez Nesnsid 02-09-07, 03:06 PM	71. When Jack T. Chick writes a comic that shows hate towards your religion. Wouldn't that be just about everybody (even including Christians from denominations other than whichever denomination Chick follows) ?
Rogue Shadows 02-10-07, 10:10 AM	Yes. Yes it would. But those comics can be funny sometimes... What you really have to do is watch out for if he makes a comic violently opposed to your religion, and then puts it on his front page.
Werral 02-12-07, 06:59 PM	713) You work in advertising.
zzakk2to2 02-13-07, 09:01 AM	713) You work in advertising. 714) your their lawyer
TheCrawlingSpleen 02-13-07, 10:35 PM	715) When certain phrases pop up with disturbing frequency in your religion. Phrases like "mind-blasting," "outer realms" and "cyclopean architecture." 716) When members of your faith often get frustrated and ask: "When are we going to take the Abyss back from those :censored:ing tanar'ri upstarts?" 718) When reading your religion's sacred text triggers a Will save.
Slightly_Unscrewed 02-15-07, 04:26 PM	719: When simply entering your temple triggers a will save, 2 fortitude saves, and a relflex save. 720: You invented "Leet speek"
The_Shaman 02-15-07, 05:06 PM	@719: these are for partial effects. If you make each of the saves, you simply gain 5 negative levels and become insane. 721: Your toothbrush has gained enough dark energy to function as a wand of Dire Curse 722: You're doing your post-doc thesis on an epic version of Eternity of Torture 723: Ever since Savras got wind of you going into arcane spellcasting, Mystra is seriously contemplating cutting off spells higher than lvl 2 because of you. 724: Heck, Shar's getting scared of giving you access to the Shadow Weave 725: All evil deities have a rating of their portfolio sense alerts that's reserved just for you. For most of them, it's the closest thing to an orgasm. 727: When Levistus shudders, it's not the ice - he's thinking of you.
Rogue Shadows 02-16-07, 10:05 AM	727: When Levistus shudders, it's not the ice - he's thinking of you. 713: Yes, he's thinking of you like that.
Kassil 02-16-07, 02:21 PM	713: Yes, he's thinking of you like that. 729: Fierna and Glasya are starting to think you might make a decent concubine, and are getting on edge with each other over it. 730: The Queen of Succubi offers to have your daughter.
TheCrawlingSpleen 02-16-07, 02:27 PM	Just a quick note: the thread is about "you know you're a cultist of an evil god when..." the last few posts seem to be more "you know you're evil when..." Anyway, back to the matter at hand. 731) When sermons at your church tend to conclude with "...and our enemies will tremble before us, TREMBLE I TELL YOU!" :evillaugh
Grod_The_Giant 02-16-07, 02:56 PM	732. You invented the phrase "Fools! I'll destroy them all!"
zzakk2to2 02-17-07, 12:33 PM	733) you dont worship evil gods the evil gods worship you
Slightly_Unscrewed 02-19-07, 06:43 PM	733) you dont worship evil gods the evil gods worship you and you're not in soviet russia.
zzakk2to2 02-19-07, 06:57 PM	Of course not you might rule it but damn who would really want to live there!
Altar_Boy 02-19-07, 07:16 PM	734. For Hallowe'en, you give trick-or-treaters what's left of last year's trick-or-treaters. :devil: 735. For Easter, you give the only thing sweeter than Easter Eggs: Cthulu Eggs! 736. For Valentines, you give your acquiantances hearts. Their own. 737. For Saint Patrick's day, everything you wear is green. Or to be more precise, you wear the clothes you wear while cleaning up after IT-WHICH-MUST-BE-FED. :88E:
morbid_freak 02-19-07, 07:16 PM	738: When the coffee at the office tastes slightly more evil than usual.
Rogue Shadows 02-20-07, 10:00 AM	739) When your sermons at Church go something like... (Scottish accent, BTW) You: Oh...DEATH. There will be DEATH, aye. There will be wailin' and murderin'. The Horsemen'll ride across th' sky, an' there will be sufferin', and cryin', and gnashin' of teeth. Old Woman at the Back: But what if we don't have any teeth? You: TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED.
savant_warlord13 02-20-07, 06:29 PM	71. When Jack T. Chick writes a comic that shows hate towards your religion. That would make me an evil cultist. Why can't I just worship Atheos, god of science in peace!?!?! 740. When the first hew pews in your church are designated as the "Splash Zone"
Alpha_Moose 02-20-07, 06:35 PM	That would make me an evil cultist. Why can't I just worship Atheos, god of science in peace!?!?! Bah! He hates everyone, including other Christians. 740. When the first hew pews in your church are designated as the "Splash Zone" 741. When you have to pay extra for it. 742. When they tried to record their sermons for "cultists on the go", the camera spontaneously combusted.
savant_warlord13 02-20-07, 06:36 PM	88. When chantong to your God requires to take your own Eye out, (you gotta love Grumush!) 89. And eat it! (Odin did that I believe) Odin isn't evil
zzakk2to2 02-20-07, 06:58 PM	Odin isn't evil he did not eat it he gave it to someone to looking in the well of knowledge. eating it would be evil
savant_warlord13 02-20-07, 09:06 PM	Dude, where is that Wayne Reynolds Cthulhu from!? It rocks man! But back on topic; 118.) You don't see stars, you see pentagrams. 119.) When that girls you like smiles at you, the only reason birds suddenly appear is so vrocks and winged yugoloths can rip them to shreds. 120.) Aforementioned girl happens to be named Glasya. Who is Glasya?
savant_warlord13 02-20-07, 09:15 PM	he did not eat it he gave it to someone to looking in the well of knowledge. eating it would be evil They also said just having to take it out is evil.
johnny_reb_21 02-20-07, 11:41 PM	Who is Glasya? she is the daughter of asmodeous and the curtrent ruler of one of the nine planes of hell she took over the hag queens lair after making her grow huge and explode to become part of the plane...she's a hottie though...i'd prefer fierna though...
zzakk2to2 02-21-07, 08:47 AM	They also said just having to take it out is evil. What if they where taking it out for an evil pact or something? that would make it evil.(they are putting in the Eye of Vecna(sp?)!!!)
Ariath Ska'Vhor 02-28-07, 11:11 PM	743. Just glancing at your deities holy symbol turns you into a tiefling under your dieties command. 744. Attending a ritual to your deity by anyone who doesn't worship him triggers an automatic Death Urge effect.
doink1212 03-01-07, 01:29 AM	5. You first learn his name by coming across a scroll that says "Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu." 8. When finding out one of your companions doesn't share your views obligates gouging their eyes out and throwing them into a very deep pit filled with poisonous snakes. 745. When Finding out that one of your compainions doesn't share your views obligates you to gouge out your own eye as a renewing act of faith for the merciless Gruumsh. 746. When a group of monstrous humanoids can only get along together because of their god's intense hatred for elves.
Werral 03-01-07, 02:33 PM	747: The Power Word Kill is actually your name.
johnny_reb_21 03-02-07, 12:18 PM	748: when thinking about acts of obedience to your dietiy requires a will save or death. 749: thinking of your diety is illegal in the multiverse and punishable by death. 750: telling people of the drunken debauchery you and your diety did while visiting his home plane makes people roll a will save or stunned fort save or sickened and causes every paladin on the current planet to hunt you down.
Richmud 03-02-07, 12:27 PM	749: thinking of your diety is illegal in the multiverse and punishable by death. 751: Everyone is far to scared of your deity's wrath to actually enforce this law
Bob the Efreet 03-02-07, 03:45 PM	749: thinking of your diety is illegal in the multiverse and punishable by death. 751: Everyone is far to scared of your deity's wrath to actually enforce this law 752. Your deity enforces this law personally.
johnny_reb_21 03-02-07, 04:40 PM	753: your diety has a thing for hiillary clinton.
otakutaylor 03-03-07, 01:22 PM	754:? When your patron deity puts out a religious edict disguised as a member of a rival goodly church to hunt down and kill all members of your newly established church on an man-made hill. The goodly church spends weeks gathering all the men they can gather (including adventurers) and march upon the church... Only to have you waiting at the front door of the church with a grin on your face as you snap your fingers and the man-made hill bursts open revealing a huge hollowed out zombie filled bunker. (with dragon zombies for the adventurers.) And in the end, all this was done because you and your evil deity made a bet on how many members of the rivals church he could kill in one day. He won, so you owe him ten silver.
johnny_reb_21 03-03-07, 07:33 PM	And in the end, all this was done because you and your evil deity made a bet on how many members of the rivals church he could kill in one day. He won, so you owe him ten silver. you demand a rematch because you think he was taking it easy on you.
blue_ghost11 03-08-07, 11:48 PM	756: Your favorite hobby is lurking around online forums and reanimating long-dead threads at the behest of your deity.
Warforged Goblin 03-10-07, 12:10 AM	757: When all your church's music needs to be played in reverse for your god to listen. 758: When your head preist comes from Arkham, Insmouth, Miskatonic, or Dunwich. 759: When your god's name has more apostraphes than vowels.
chimp man 03-10-07, 09:31 PM	760. your god just had an evilgasm
Warforged Goblin 03-12-07, 11:41 AM	761. When you pray to your god, no less than 3 Sanity checks must be made in order to "get through" the prayer. 762. When the high preist has all his levels in Archivist and not Cleric. 763. When YOU have all your levels in Archivist and not Cleric. 764. When the town tailor gives you a bulk discount on dark robes.
zzakk2to2 03-12-07, 12:52 PM	765. Whenever you build a church the universe convulse and shunts it into it own little demiplane.
Richmud 03-12-07, 04:47 PM	762. When the high preist has all his levels in Archivist and not Cleric. 763. When YOU have all your levels in Archivist and not Cleric. 766: When you and the high priest have half your levels in archivist and the other half in alienist
Warforged Goblin 03-13-07, 02:29 PM	766: When you and the high priest have half your levels in archivist and the other half in alienist 767: When qualifying for the alienist PrC, your "friendly contact with a member of the Far Realm" is a chat with said high priest. 768: When the half-far spawn template is added to your PC to "make it a little more normal and down to earth". 769: When your lord and master is ST'FU'LU, Dread God of Shutting the Eff Up. In dread O'ry'leh, St'fu'lu lies, not dead, but shut the eff up... 770: When you laugh at 769.
Pitiless_Interfector 03-17-07, 01:10 AM	771: ...you're Freddy's nightmare 772: ...the Pope calls you a Nazi 773: ...when the doctor, upon delivering your baby, says "it's a... a... AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 774: ...Crack cocaine helps you sleep 775: ...the paladin uses detect evil and his head explodes (like Peter Griffin when he ate half the Fudgesicle in one bite.) 776: ...Your kid does an Independent Reading Assignment on the Book of Vile Darkness 777: ...you made your sex therapist weep tears of blood and pitch. 778: ...your backscratcher is a tepaphone 779: ...God decides "better not get involved." 780: ...Pun-Pun pumps your gas... ...for free! 781: ...the Republican Party worships the ground you walk upon 782: ...Bill Clinton thinks you're a pervert 783: ...Jeffrey Dahmer thinks you're a pervert 784: ...your pet's nickname is a word of the Dark Speech 785: ...your autobiography becomes required reading at Yale Law 786: ...Hitler thinks you're "motherf***ing batsh!t" 787: ...you use the Dark Speech to form a hivemind out of the local homeless population 788: ...your toothbrush becomes an evil artifact 789: ...you've molested MJ 790: ...your family motto is Flammae diabolae omnes incendebunt 791: ...when you get nine life sentences without parole, and you serve all of them 792: ...you've possessed the devil 793: ...you sold your soul to yourself to grant yourself the powers of a warlock 794: ...your phylactery is a Swedish enlargement pump 795: ...you sold weapons-grade Deathsong to the Iraqis 796: ...your good-luck charm is your firstborn's left eye 797: ...you sweeten your coffee with necrocarnum 798: ...your wife, mistress, and girlfriend all go to the same preschool 799: ...you can recite the Fifty Names of Marduk in reverse-alphabetical order 800: ...the interior of your refrigerator is a Temple to Gozer the Gozerian.
sooperspook 03-17-07, 04:31 AM	772: ...the Pope calls you a Nazi . The rest of that was funny but this one is just offensive. Please change it. Thank you.
EyeHunter 03-27-07, 06:38 PM	801. you create a small normal rabbit and give it large, pointy teeth, then you leave it outside a cave.
Grod_The_Giant 03-27-07, 07:05 PM	801. you create a small normal rabbit and give it large, pointy teeth, then you leave it outside a cave. Look... are you insinuating something?
Strudel_Lumpycakes 03-27-07, 07:40 PM	802. You play D&D. (Just ask Jack)
malignor 03-27-07, 07:44 PM	803: Your temple has a slave pen. 804: The slave pen is full of "pleasure slaves" which are really used for breeding. 805: Newborns (which are referred to as "virgins") are seen as components for unholy artifacts (see BoVD - sacrificing for crafting XP). 806: The nursery/storage facility has a gate to the lower planes. 807: In front of the gate are 2 welcoming signs. 808: Sign one says "Wait to be seated". Sign two says "Imps eat free!"
Warforged Goblin 03-29-07, 01:48 PM	809. When it's not just a religion, it's ranks in Craft (fleshsewing) and Profession (torturer). 810. When your holy book has the phrase "WARNING: MATURE CONTENT" on the cover. 811. When you keep adding on to a nearly dead thread.
speedyhobbit 03-29-07, 01:53 PM	oh goodness!! This list is entirely too funny!
TheCrawlingSpleen 03-30-07, 12:35 AM	812. When your prayers have way too many consonants involved. 813. When saying "fthagn" instead of "fhtagn" while praying results in your deity showing up and eating you.
Mulkr 04-10-07, 10:16 PM	814.When the average housepet of any religious official in your church is a draconic, half-fiend, half-hag, wereboar, infernal half-dragon tarrasque with millions of ranks in Perform(scare to death). 815. When you invented the skill perform(scare to death) 816. When you invented said tarrasque. 817. When any holy or unholy symbols within a mile of a member of your cult that are not your churches spontaneously combust. 818. When looking at you requires a DC1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or said looker dies. 819.When all dieties, plus Pun-pun and all archdevils and archdemons formed an alliance to kill the weakest member of your church. 820. When said alliance failed.
Nifft 04-10-07, 11:29 PM	821. Your leader's sermon quotes your new favorite inspirational book, Children Soup for the Soul. 822. Your church gets an annual group discount on certain jewelry (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/magicItems/wondrousItems.htm#amuletofProofagainstDe tectionandLocation). 823. None of your hymns ever use your deity's name thrice in a row. Ever. 824. There's a special note about rule 823 in Appendix I, and a map of former chapters where the rule was thought to have been violated in Appendix II. 825. Last year one of your chapters accidentally booked a social event at the same inn as the annual Paladin's Ball. There were no survivors. Cheers, -- N
Greywolf1066 04-14-07, 04:25 PM	826) You worship yourself because no one is more evil 827) and because you are HILLARY CLINTON
Return of the Flumph 04-15-07, 12:35 AM	828. Converts have to put on the special mechanical helmits before they join the congregation.
Orion_II 04-16-07, 09:52 PM	829: When blood of your sacrfices is your most effective trap. 830: When you discover how good everyone looks in black robes 831: When you realize you haven't seen the faces of your peers in years 832: When you disover they're all undead 833: When 832 doesn't surprise you one bit
RealSorceror 04-17-07, 11:01 AM	All from personal experience: 834). When you consider the Mask of the Skull to be a stylish fashion accessory. 835). When your cleric of Bahamut friend attempts to turn you. 836). ....and it wasn't a mistake this time. 837). When you're the only party member that thinks Owlbear zombies to be "cudly" and "in need of a hug". 838). Whenever you do a good deed, you have to pause, and then add "sorta". 839). When the authorities ask if you killed all 10 of those gnomes.....and you have to think about it. 900). And the number 900 reason why you know you're a cultist of an evil god is..... ......you where pretty sure you killed 11.
Rogue Shadows 04-18-07, 11:28 AM	823. None of your hymns ever use your deity's name thrice in a row. Ever. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice? - AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!
BChristofori9 04-24-07, 08:37 PM	...when you can speak your deity's name and turn a book of virtuous good into vapor.
crimsonwolf 04-24-07, 08:49 PM	when the fratirnity paddle is enchanted with a gibbering mouther.
Kassil 05-04-07, 12:16 AM	n: You regard accusations of being 'misguided' as slander against your bad name. n+1: You have, in fact, taken Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Severed Limb). n+2: And gone to the trouble of making a flesh golem just so you can rip off an arm to get a masterwork severed limb. n+3: Your god's idea of short ceremony involves his unholy radiance burning out the eyes of all the unbelievers before the rest of the worshippers haul them off to be thrown into the snakepits. n+4: Blood-stained spikes are just the least disturbing of the imagery your god demands in his temples. n+5: Your sacred text suggests that drinking a cup of holy water every morning is a good way to toughen yourself for when the good guys eventually try to force you to convert and/or spill the secrets of your dark faith. You just do it because the raspy acid-scorched voice it gives you is a good touch for reading sermons.
Warforged Goblin 05-04-07, 06:58 AM	909. When the Demonicon of Iggwilv is bathroom reader material. 910. When the thought of growing a cancerous cyst for the explicit purpose of binding an imp or quasit to it doesn't seem as "odd" as everyone makes it out to be. 911. When your church leader "demonizes" another religion he doesn't just verbally slam them, he sends a few demons to their services. 912. When you go to watch said demonized service with a lawn chair, popcorn, and heavy crossbow to pick off survivors. 913. When you annoint yourself, it's not unholy water, it's unholy blood, slime, or some other foul secretion of your overlord and dark master. 914. When you realize your going to use some of these in an upcoming campaign.
Inerrup 05-04-07, 05:33 PM	915. When everybody on the cult is duoclassed Anything/Lawyer! 916. When your God has a pact with a Lawyer-God as well.
Grod_The_Giant 05-05-07, 04:06 PM	915. When everybody on the cult is duoclassed Anything/Lawyer! 916. When your God has a pact with a Lawyer-God as well. 917. When your god IS the Lawyer-God! :blink: :uh-huh: :OMG! :ghosted:
FaithlessOfLux 05-05-07, 04:54 PM	918. When he tells you to sleep with your employer's daughter.
Kassil 05-05-07, 07:36 PM	919. Your church's idea of community service involves serving the community to your god as living sacrifices. 920. Paladins show up almost like clockwork at every service with swords drawn and holy symbols brandished. 921. The fountain in the courtyard of the main temple runs with blood.
FaithlessOfLux 05-05-07, 08:37 PM	922. He tells you he is evil. 923. You ask if he is and he tortures and punishes you for it. 924. You look in the mirror and there is no reflection.
TacoClone 05-05-07, 08:58 PM	917. When your god IS the Lawyer-God! :blink: :uh-huh: :OMG! :ghosted: 925. When the Lawyer-God looks up to your god.
Inerrup 05-07-07, 05:53 PM	If my God 'lives' on a Lawyer Layer, i research a contingency (Raise Dead)... i prefer the Prime Material! :D
Inerrup 05-07-07, 05:59 PM	926 - When your God´s address is Layer of Abyss, XXX+ digits
Demonlord_Slayer8 05-07-07, 06:09 PM	927. When you find yourself taking on all expense vacation at Shudderwall on the Abyssal Layer of Shendelavri (sp?)- and your the only one that survives the grusome excursion (sp?). (See Fiendish Codex I: Hoards of the Abyss for information on Shedelavri and Shudderwall, what page? I don't keep track, but you will get it if you look it up there.)
Kassil 05-07-07, 06:33 PM	928. Your god gifts you with a new form of plant - that leeches minerals from the soil and spews toxic gas as a byproduct, both making your temple wealthier by harvesting it and helping to kill off anyone who dares to approach your temple without your deity's allowance. 929. Your god hands out imps and the like as servants to just about anyone except the initiates. Full priests get much more powerful fiends to serve as bodyguards. 930. Normal animals in proximity to your temple tend to give birth to fiendish offspring. 931. Celestial wildlife tends to avoid your temple like the plague. 932. Yugoloths turn up to give sermons on the nature of evil being superior to divine worship, and mysteriously make no mention about your god being a god...
Wall 05-10-07, 07:14 AM	933. When you're in southern California, you can always find a party. When you're in an evil cult, the party can always find you! 934. You find only one thing redeeming about the church of Pelor: Heatstroke.
TacoClone 05-11-07, 12:34 PM	935. When your weekly offering consists of human flesh, various organs, several gallons of blood, and a pop album. 936. When your god requires you to make said pop album. 937. When your holy symbol is a dead baby.
Bob the Efreet 05-11-07, 04:31 PM	937. When your holy symbol is a dead baby. 938. ...that you harvested personally.
Ridian 05-11-07, 05:04 PM	939. When your fellow cultists use the Temple of Elemntal Evil as a day-care service
Ariath Ska'Vhor 05-11-07, 05:37 PM	940. The typical mount for members of the church is an Atropal.
Kassil 05-30-07, 11:23 PM	941. You have pits in the basement that tap the nature of Hades to spawn an endless number of Nameless Cultists, in the same fashion as the yugoloth race spawns. 942. Converts to your cult are thrown into one of these pits and get thrown back out a few days later completely insane and half-fiendish. 943. The church's idea of going undercover is to dress up as paladins of the opposing good churches and go around 'smiting' anything that moves. 944. EVERYTHING in the church is adorned with spikes, blades, skulls, and bloodstains. Even the good china.
zzakk2to2 05-31-07, 08:39 AM	945. the "good china" is actually their name for some torture devices with animate object made permanent on them
LeuktheSavior 05-31-07, 09:52 AM	946. your holy warriors seek atonement for saving an innocent
zzakk2to2 05-31-07, 10:52 AM	946. your cult members are all gods for other evil cults
Pitiless_Interfector 06-02-07, 10:44 PM	771: ...you're Freddy's nightmare 772: ...the Pope calls you a Nazi 773: ...when the doctor, upon delivering your baby, says "it's a... a... AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 774: ...Crack cocaine helps you sleep 775: ...the paladin uses detect evil and his head explodes (like Peter Griffin when he ate half the Fudgesicle in one bite.) 776: ...Your kid does an Independent Reading Assignment on the Book of Vile Darkness 777: ...you made your sex therapist weep tears of blood and pitch. 778: ...your backscratcher is a tepaphone 779: ...God decides "better not get involved." 780: ...Pun-Pun pumps your gas... ...for free! 781: ...the Republican Party worships the ground you walk upon 782: ...Bill Clinton thinks you're a pervert 783: ...Jeffrey Dahmer thinks you're a pervert 784: ...your pet's nickname is a word of the Dark Speech 785: ...your autobiography becomes required reading at Yale Law 786: ...Hitler thinks you're "motherf***ing batsh!t" 787: ...you use the Dark Speech to form a hivemind out of the local homeless population 788: ...your toothbrush becomes an evil artifact 789: ...you've molested MJ 790: ...your family motto is Flammae diabolae omnes incendebunt 791: ...when you get nine life sentences without parole, and you serve all of them 792: ...you've possessed the devil 793: ...you sold your soul to yourself to grant yourself the powers of a warlock 794: ...your phylactery is a Swedish enlargement pump 795: ...you sold weapons-grade Deathsong to the Iraqis 796: ...your good-luck charm is your firstborn's left eye 797: ...you sweeten your coffee with necrocarnum 798: ...your wife, mistress, and girlfriend all go to the same preschool 799: ...you can recite the Fifty Names of Marduk in reverse-alphabetical order 800: ...the interior of your refrigerator is a Temple to Gozer the Gozerian. The rest of that was funny but this one is just offensive. Please change it. Thank you. What's your problem? You're Australian, not Austrian! (Don't worry, we all get confused sometimes). But seriously, if you're that religiously uptight, then what the HELL are you doing posting on a thread about evil gods? A joke is a joke is a joke he's a Nazi. K'peesh? (Yes, that's capice in proper language, but whatever, man.) READ THE QUOTE, MY CHILDREN, AND KNOW THE MAGIC OF POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS! :gel:
Alpha_Moose 06-02-07, 11:37 PM	What's your problem? You're Australian, not Austrian! (Don't worry, we all get confused sometimes). But seriously, if you're that religiously uptight, then what the HELL are you doing posting on a thread about evil gods? A joke is a joke is a joke he's a Nazi. K'peesh? (Yes, that's capice in proper language, but whatever, man.) READ THE QUOTE, MY CHILDREN, AND KNOW THE MAGIC OF POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS! :gel: It's not just whether or not it was politically incorrect, but it more importantly is incorrect all together. The current Pope is not and was never part of the Nazi party in Germany. He was no more a Nazi than Einstein was. wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_life_of_Pope_Benedict_XVI) In general, I don't really care. But I understand why some do. I'm personally just picky about accuracy (sometimes).
johnny_reb_21 06-02-07, 11:41 PM	he is not saying the pope is or was a nazi he said the pope calls yo one...and he never says which pope and lets not remember the gloriousness of the inqusition or some of the other great things popes in the past have done it was a joke there is no law governing taste if you dont like it thats your right and opinion he has the right to to post it
Alpha_Moose 06-03-07, 12:01 AM	he is not saying the pope is or was a nazi he said the pope calls yo one...and he never says which pope and lets not remember the gloriousness of the inqusition or some of the other great things popes in the past have done it was a joke there is no law governing taste if you dont like it thats your right and opinion he has the right to to post it Oh, I understand. I especially know of all the stuff that happened during the Middle Ages because of us Catholics. My point was that saying that any Pope was a Nazi is like saying that Mother Teresa was a crusader (hyperbole). It's more accuracy than anything.
johnny_reb_21 06-03-07, 12:05 AM	but it reads "the pope calls YOU a nazi" no one called the pope a nazi
Alpha_Moose 06-03-07, 12:07 AM	but it reads "the pope calls YOU a nazi" no one called the pope a nazi Yeah, but it's assumed that the joke comes from the Pope being a Nazi, which is inaccurate. Again, it doesn't matter too much. I'm more just mentioning it than anything.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-03-07, 01:17 AM	Yeah, but it's assumed that the joke comes from the Pope being a Nazi, which is inaccurate. Again, it doesn't matter too much. I'm more just mentioning it than anything. Okay, if Benedict ISN'T a Nazi (taking the literary sense here), then how do you explain this?: And now, people will go through Christmas as God intended: With fear in their hearts. Can't remember when it was (Probably around Christmas '05), but he DID say it. And by the way, since sooperspook never came back and said anything else about it, it should have been obvious the only reason I was doing this was to show you what happens when I stay up too late (i.e., I get pretty damn hilarious. Some of these I still laugh at. #792: ...you've possessed the devil. :rofl:)
Kassil 06-03-07, 06:05 AM	PEOPLE! CAN WE PLEASE DROP THIS!? If you all feel the need to have an argument over this, please take it to PM rather than burying a thread meant to be humorous in it! No one directly accused ANYONE of being a Nazi. You do not have to be one to call someone else it. This is just a case of Godwin's Law in action, nothing more. Nothing to see here, please move along, thank you and have a nice day.
Qwicksilver 06-03-07, 04:22 PM	Sorry folks, but this topic was questionably acceptable *before* folks started to blashpheme and celebrate the act of self-abuse. This thread will be locked, do not restart it. I'd tone things down quickly with this thread, the Ms. Multiverse pageant just got locked under these grounds. The lack of blasphemy or self-abuse referenced in that thread leads me to believe that this may have been the intended recipient of the lock. If i'm right well then.... I'm in before the lock....wohoo :P
syrinth 06-03-07, 05:26 PM	947. If you go out of your way to be in a thread before it is possibly cast into eternal darkness. I think he might be right guys... *prays to the dark Nine to be spared*
Thegans 06-03-07, 09:33 PM	948. Your high priest was Asmodeous legal advisor, 949. , who helped him write up the pact primeval. 950. Its illegal for devils to buy the souls of your cult members. 951. Your immune to ressurection, 952. because your soul is a pit fiend, 953. , spawned from Asmodeous'es wounds, 954. , just like the rest of the cult. 955. Your high priest hasn't been born yet, 956. ,neither had your god, 957. Asmodeous plans on convincing your god to become an archdevil, 958. to replace Levistus, 959. ,which is why he put the archdevil back into power, 960. Asmodeous wonders if hes being too mean to Levistus. 961. Every member of your cult has a fiendish kobold cohort, 962. named Pun-Pun, 963. ,none of which started fiendish, 964. , until they walked within 100 miles of your cults smallest temple. 965. Rumor has it that your high priests cohort is the original Pun-Pun. 966. Vestiges beg for mercy when summoned. 967. You were shocked when you found out that you weren't destroying a good aligned plane while on the material plane. 968. The concept of a neutral plane seems odd to you, 969. , because everyone in the outlands seems exaulted to you.
Nifft 06-04-07, 12:11 PM	970. The Inquisition comes to town, and suddenly imps & quasits show up asking to hide in the shadow of your evil aura. In before the lock, -- N
HellflameArcanite 06-04-07, 01:41 PM	971. When you have a sig that is one million spoilers long about the meaning of life (stares at Lunas_Agent)
Warforged Goblin 06-04-07, 02:20 PM	972. When the Pope calls you a Sith Lord (You've gotta admit, he looks like Palpatine). 973. When it isn't an infant, it's part of a complete breakfast. 974. When your motivational posters written in Dark Speech. 975. When you've got an office pool for when the next group of angry paladins is going to show up.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-04-07, 02:28 PM	I'd tone things down quickly with this thread, the Ms. Multiverse pageant just got locked under these grounds. The lack of blasphemy or self-abuse referenced in that thread leads me to believe that this may have been the intended recipient of the lock. If I'm right well then.... I'm in before the lock....wohoo :P The reason the Miss Multiverse thread got locked was because I was stupid enough to put my computer to sleep without logging off. The Wiz_O deleted the entire post that contained the following: JESUS CHRIST!!!!! grinkagrinkagrinkaSPLAT! I don't know which one of them did it, but rest assured, if I ever find out, it won't be SELF-abuse they'll be hearing. Just cleaning up some confusion. This thread is not in danger. 972 ...You took your family on vacation to the Lakes of Bile. 973 ...You're paying Eclavdra child support for a draegloth. 974 ...You spend your weekdays peddling luhix to twelve-year-olds. 975 ...You and Graz'zt go clubbin' on Tuesdays. 976 ...Anyone who looks through your baby pictures is dead in seven days. 977 ...Your farts killed Shrek. 978 ...The Necronomicon mentions you by name. 979 ...You crank-conjure Fraz-Urb'luu. 980 ...Your towel-closet is a portal to the Far Realm. 981 ...You habitually stay up all night pacing in your room chanting "Yog-Sothoth is the key... Yog-Sothoth is the key..." 982 ...You've influenced Kreia's alignment. 983 ...You've gone through more scrolls of regenerate than Dick Clark. 984 ...Your wife asks for a romantic comedy, and you rent The Hills Have Eyes II. 985 ...50-Cent shot you 99 times, and you're still here. 986 ...When chicks ask for your number, you respond "The eighty-eighth of Azoth. And the word of my calling is DUGGHA!" 987 ...Your dentist treats you by mail. 988 ...Speaking the Lord's prayer enjoins your lips catch fire. 989 ...Bull's blood gives you wings. 990 ...You took a pisss, and now we have the Dead Sea. 991 ...You leave a cow's eye in the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray. 992 ...You bit the head off Ozzy Osborne. 993 ...You watch Red Dragon and take notes. 994 ...You run for President of the United States of America... ...and win! 995 ...You consider rolling in human excrement a form of creative expression. 996 ...Your harem includes a blow-up doll of Hillary Clinton. 997 ...You give Belial pennis envy. 998 ...You forced the FCC to append the Miller test. 999 ...You use opiates to relieve constipation. 1000 ...The sight of headless chickens running makes you horny. 1001 ...The treasure carried by succubi is child support from you. Yippee! 1,001 entries! 13 pages! 379 replies! 16,912 views! More than 8 months in the running! Congratulations, Cryforge, you've started a phenomenon! :ayyyy!:
Naderion 06-04-07, 03:05 PM	1002: You have no problems proniuncing Kostchtchi or Zuggtmoy.
Naderion 06-04-07, 03:08 PM	It's not just whether or not it was politically incorrect, but it more importantly is incorrect all together. The current Pope is not and was never part of the Nazi party in Germany. He was no more a Nazi than Einstein was. wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_life_of_Pope_Benedict_XVI) Pitiless must be english, every English things every german is a Nazi.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-04-07, 03:25 PM	Pitiless must be English, every Englishman thinks every German is a Nazi. Now you're just asking for it. :rolleyes: (American!)
zzakk2to2 06-04-07, 03:34 PM	1003. your god made you immortal because your so evil even he doesn't want you.
Alpha_Moose 06-04-07, 04:15 PM	1003. your god made you immortal because your so evil even he doesn't want you. Wouldn't that just keep you around forever?
HellflameArcanite 06-04-07, 05:08 PM	739) When your sermons at Church go something like... (Scottish accent, BTW) You: Oh...DEATH. There will be DEATH, aye. There will be wailin' and murderin'. The Horsemen'll ride across th' sky, an' there will be sufferin', and cryin', and gnashin' of teeth. Old Woman at the Back: But what if we don't have any teeth? You: TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED. I think I've heard that somewhere before, in a joke about a Catholic priest.
HellflameArcanite 06-04-07, 05:31 PM	No, he made you immortal so that you would never die and so your soul would never go to his plane. 1004. When your church starts a community pool...of blood...and a few things that you can't identify but you're sure that they came from somebody's intestinal tract...
zzakk2to2 06-04-07, 06:33 PM	1005. you collect the most because of your invention, a spout you stick in someone and it completely drains their blood. 1006. you learned healing spells just so you can play with your toys longer. also arcanite is right about the immortal thing.
Thegans 06-04-07, 07:22 PM	981 ...You habitually stay up all night pacing in your room chanting "Yog-Sothoth is the key... Yog-Sothoth is the key 1007. Because you decided that you need to remind your self of your purpose over and over again. 1008. You invite mortals to your home only for them to go insane when they see milions of versions of them selves from every moment in time including past and future lives. 1009. You know where the Old Ones have broken though of old, and where they shall break through again. 1010. You know where They have trod earth's fiends, and where They still tread them, and why no one can behold Them as They tread 1011. In his house of R'lyeh dead Cthulu waits dreaming is the main prayer of your son's or daughters cult. 1012. Your not sure what gender any of your spawn are. 1013. The only reason you joined a cult that did not worship you is because you convinced yourself that it would be funny. 1014. Your trying to figure out when you should tell yourself to join the cult. 1015. Your not entirely sure that time is relevant. 1016. This creates problems when you have to remember when you need someone dead by.
zzakk2to2 06-04-07, 07:53 PM	1017. you decide time is not relivent and a joke
Pitiless_Interfector 06-04-07, 09:24 PM	1018 ...your kids misbehave and you break out the wand of wrack. 1019 ...you invented the sh*t golem 1020 ...you can rebuke or command Mitt Romney 1021 ...on your resume under SEX you wrote IA IA CTHULU FTHAGN! 1022 ...you made your mother-in-law into a vestige 1023 ...your BBQ grill ignores fire resistance 1024 ...you landscape your yard with eldritch blast 1025 ...nobody else can even PRONOUNCE your cleric domains.
Warforged Goblin 06-05-07, 06:55 AM	1019 ...you invented the sh*t golem Dude, I did that... The dung golem over in the "New Golems" thread. Heh, I had no ide... Who am I kidding, yeah I did have an idea I was an evil cultist :D
zzakk2to2 06-05-07, 08:55 AM	1027. evil doesn't influence you, you influence evil
HellflameArcanite 06-05-07, 01:38 PM	1028. Your cult's high priests warp space with the utter wrongness of their existence, and spontaneous blasphemy effects occur randomly around them.
Babzidu 06-05-07, 03:21 PM	1029. When your scrambled eggs screams horrid blasphemys at you all morning, and your coffee whispers praises to your god 1030. When you aura of evil curdles the milk inside cows 1031. When you live next door to me, Babzidu 1032. When Dick Cheney invites you to have dinner with his wife, Glasya
zzakk2to2 06-05-07, 03:31 PM	1033. to join your cult you need to ritual sacrifice yourself 1034. the secret to being a living member of you cult is that when you sacrifice your self no god wants so you returned to life
Zalakhiel 06-05-07, 05:27 PM	1035: ...your church promotes wearing the same attire for both wedding and funeral. :P
zzakk2to2 06-05-07, 05:29 PM	1036. instead of white all bride married at your church wear black
HellflameArcanite 06-05-07, 06:19 PM	Bab, why are you quoting from a movie that's not even out yet? Granted it's cool, but it's not out yet.
HellflameArcanite 06-05-07, 06:20 PM	1037. Your unholy water is actually unholy urine, and each vial contains the power to completely annihilate an epic Celestial in one hit.
Kassil 06-05-07, 06:47 PM	1038. Sculptures in your church weep tears of blood because they're the petrified remains of former victims and foes. 1039. Touching the tears doesn't cure any ailments, and in fact afflicts a random curse (http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=855044). 1040. Your cult helped write the tax code.
zzakk2to2 06-05-07, 06:49 PM	1038. your church is made out people you intwined into walls and such then flesh to stoned 1039. you keep a room full of petrified people so you can always have a fresh sacrifice ready
Watsyurname529 06-05-07, 10:48 PM	1043. You sacrifice your evil god in the name of said evil god... 1044. ...then proceed to serve him at dinner the following day 1045. When ever you're around, the soup tastes extra bloody
Meshakhad 06-06-07, 12:38 AM	1046. You consider drinking anything other than the blood of the innocent a perversion. 1047. You are more comfortable using the Dark Speech than Common. 1048. You set your clocks by the hourly paladin armies that arrive at your temple.
Frylord 06-06-07, 12:52 AM	1049. Cthulu goes insane at the very thought of the THOUGHT of your existence.
TheAnthroDM 06-06-07, 01:36 AM	1026. When George Bush bows down to and worships your god as the source of his inspiration, and thanks him for the idea of the Iraq War. Woah, Woah, Woah! Crossed the line there. Being real life religion into a the Dieties and the Planes thread, even with humor, as well as personally insulting every member of that religion? Even with a humorous thread this is ridiculous.
HellflameArcanite 06-06-07, 08:00 AM	Woah, Woah, Woah! Crossed the line there. Being real life religion into a the Dieties and the Planes thread, even with humor, as well as personally insulting every member of that religion? Even with a humorous thread this is ridiculous. Sorry, I didn't mean to bash Christianity, or bring in real religion, I actually meant to bash Bush, as some kind of Demon-worshippper. Maybe it was bad taste.
HellflameArcanite 06-06-07, 08:02 AM	1050. When your god refuses to create beings with any connection to the base ten system.
zzakk2to2 06-06-07, 09:21 AM	1051. all the circles you try to make use 3 instead of pi no matter how hard you try otherwise
Zalakhiel 06-06-07, 09:45 AM	1052: ...when they tell you to go straight to hell and you reply "How can I go to myself...???".
Pitiless_Interfector 06-06-07, 12:14 PM	Sorry, I didn't mean to bash Christianity, or bring in real religion, I actually meant to bash Bush, as some kind of Demon-worshiper. Maybe it was bad taste. Quote: If you want Bushwhacking, check out my stats for George Bush (http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=838149) 1052 ...your stats are in Heroes of Horror... ...In chapter 6 1053 ...you're hosting Cannibals Without Borders on the Travel channel 1054 ...You have the spell-like ability to use wish once per year 1055 ...you use flensing to remove warts 1056 ...you wear rhapsody of pain... ...on your left ear 1057 ...the Vaseline jar actually contains oil of corporeal instability 1058 ...your porn stash requires 48 hours over a minimum of 6 days to view... ...and bestows a negative level upon completion 1059 ...someone told you to "Go f*** your mother," so you did 1060 ...your wife left you because you're a pedophile, and you said "Well, that's a mighty big word for a six-year-old!"
Pitiless_Interfector 06-06-07, 12:59 PM	The following feats and flaws were inspired by George Walker Bush: Prodigal Son [General] Through repeated displays of poor judgment and an almost-continual series of bad decisions, you have convinced a powerful public figure and family member that you are incapable of succeeding in life without their help. Benefit: Whenever you make an attack roll, saving throw, or skill check, you may use either your own result or your father's, whichever is higher. Edumacation [General] You have been brought up in a respectible environmunt and teached in accordunce with your family upbringun. Benefit: You receive a +5 incoherent bonus on Knowledge (religion) checks, Search checks made to find tracks, and Knowledge (nature) checks made to identify wildlife (but not for any other purpose, such as making an executive decision). Special: A character with this feat may use the Search skill to follow game animal trails as if by the Track feat with a +1 luck bonus on the check, provided another character with the Track feat succeeds on a DC 15 aid another check. Graft [General] You have learned to live off of the efforts of others rather than your own hard work. Prerequisites: Nongood alignment, Knowledge (religion) 4 ranks, Bluff 4 ranks Benefit: Once per day, you may make a Bluff check to acquire goods and services from whichever legitimate government authority you serve, the total gold piece value of which cannot exceed the result of the Bluff check times your Charisma bonus (if any, and if it is higher than +1). Special: A character with the Prodigal Son feat may use his father's Charisma bonus to determine the value of graft acquired rather than his own, if his father's would be higher. Gubernator [General] Your unassuming, harmless appearance leads others to frequently misunderestimate you. Benefit: When making a Bluff, Diplomacy, or Intimidate check, you may substitute your Perform (comedy) modifier for the appropriate skill modifier, provided the person you are attempting to influence has an attitude of indifferent or better. Skill Neglect [Flaw] Through sheer persistence, you have avoided learning a skill or set of skills that you found boring or unpleasant, despite the protests of others and the possible consequences. Game Effect: Choose any three skills, such as Diplomacy, Knowledge (geography), and Concentration. You take a -5 incompetence penalty on all checks with those skills. Furthermore, they are always considered cross-class skills, regardless of what classes you take or which feats you acquire. Obstinate [Flaw] You are tenacious in attempting to understand the rapidly-changing world around you through the same processes you learned in childhood. Game Effect: Whenever you take 10 on a check, the DC is increased by 2. For each age category you possess beyond adulthood, increase the DC by an additional +2. Taking 20 does not increase the DC, but requires 100 times as long as an ordinary check (or 10 minutes for checks that ordinarily require 2 minutes to take 20).
Alpha_Moose 06-06-07, 01:24 PM	You do realize that he gets a bonus feat for each flaw you give him.
Babzidu 06-06-07, 01:41 PM	Bab, why are you quoting from a movie that's not even out yet? Granted it's cool, but it's not out yet. Because with my future sight, I can predict no movie this year (or at least this summer) will have a cooler line than that. I mean, come on, look at the other movies! Harry Potter? Nancy Drew? The Silver Surfer's got them beat hands-down. He back-slapped a freakin missle! Plus, I'm a Marvel fanatic. Sorry for the rant, people. (and others)
Kassil 06-06-07, 02:12 PM	...So when did thius turn a thread bashing things in real life? C'mon, people. Leave the real world politics and religions out of it. I'm not exactly a fan of Dubya myself, but I don't want it in the middle of a comedy thread about evil cultists. 1061. Your god directs you to begin a breeding program because humans don't have enough spikes. 1062. When the slogan in the temple kitchen is "Elf: The Other Other White Meat" 1063. When the sacramental alcohol is brewed using the blood of the innocent. 1064. ...And it doubles as alchemist's fire in a pinch. 1065. You spend your free time working out new variantions of the undead, with intent to humiliate the Champions of Good who keep showing up and getting killed.
Warforged Goblin 06-06-07, 02:13 PM	Because with my future sight, I can predict no movie this year (or at least this summer) will have a cooler line than that. I mean, come on, look at the other movies! Harry Potter? Nancy Drew? The Silver Surfer's got them beat hands-down. He back-slapped a freakin missle! Plus, I'm a Marvel fanatic. Sorry for the rant, people. (and others) Sorry man, but if you're a Marvel fanatic, then why are you hyped up for FF2? "CHECK IT OUT! WE MADE TEH HUMAN TORCH INTO THE SOOPER SKRULL! WHAT A GREAT IDEA!" *facepalm* There's a word called"canon", perhaps the screenwriter could look it up. [/annoyed rant] 1061.) You and your wife are oh so proud of your little Deep One.
zzakk2to2 06-06-07, 02:15 PM	1066. you have your own classes that when you complete it you turn into a demon or devil depending on your preference
Watsyurname529 06-06-07, 03:06 PM	1067. Your alarm clock is the screams of the "adventurers" that show up every day that get caught in your traps... 1068. ...then those "adventurers" become breakfast
HellflameArcanite 06-06-07, 03:12 PM	Because with my future sight, I can predict no movie this year (or at least this summer) will have a cooler line than that. I mean, come on, look at the other movies! Harry Potter? Nancy Drew? The Silver Surfer's got them beat hands-down. He back-slapped a freakin missle! Plus, I'm a Marvel fanatic. Sorry for the rant, people. (and others) Hey, I agree - FF2 RotSS is probably going to be the coolest movie this summer, and I go crazy for Marvel too. The Silver Surfer is AWESOME!
KedynCrow 06-06-07, 03:44 PM	1069: The Book of Exalted Deeds somehow manages to curl into the fetal position and weep like a schoolgirl when you enter the room 1070: So does the Book of Vile Darkness 1071: You drop in on Asmodeus every now and then...just to check in and make sure your...*cough*...his place is running smoothly. 1072: You have a Hellfire hottub in your Master Bathroom. 1073: You call it the Master Bathroom because you had it wall-papered with your former master's flayed hide. 1074: You ate the rest. 1075: You look forward to the day your pupil does the same.
Babzidu 06-06-07, 05:16 PM	Sorry man, but if you're a Marvel fanatic, then why are you hyped up for FF2? "CHECK IT OUT! WE MADE TEH HUMAN TORCH INTO THE SOOPER SKRULL! WHAT A GREAT IDEA!" *facepalm* There's a word called"canon", perhaps the screenwriter could look it up. [/annoyed rant] 1061.) You and your wife are oh so proud of your little Deep One. At least they put something even resembling the Super-Skrull in there. I mean, could you really ever expect any movie to follow canon? Ever? Spider-Man 3, for example. Not only is Venom a little shrimp in this movie, they frikken killed him! But it was a good movie anywhay. If I didn't go see a movie because it didn't follow canon, I would never see any movie adapted from anything. I'm still hoping they put Galactacus in there, but I doubt it. I'm fanatic enough to go see a FF2, even if they don't use canon material. I mean, come on! It's a Fantastic Four movie sequel! The only thing that would keep me from seeing it is if Uwe Bolle directed it.
HellflameArcanite 06-06-07, 05:32 PM	Spiderman 3, admittedly, was not as good as I thought it would be, but Venom was really really cool. Especially the part where he fought and Spidey killed him, that was some awesome picture. AWESOME! But I'll admit, the plot could do slightly better.
HellflameArcanite 06-06-07, 05:36 PM	1076. When you notice that all of your friends are extraplanar beings with an appitite for human flesh.
zzakk2to2 06-06-07, 05:41 PM	At least they put something even resembling the Super-Skrull in there. I mean, could you really ever expect any movie to follow canon? Ever? Spider-Man 3, for example. Not only is Venom a little shrimp in this movie, they frikken killed him! But it was a good movie anywhay. If I didn't go see a movie because it didn't follow canon, I would never see any movie adapted from anything. I'm still hoping they put Galactacus in there, but I doubt it. I'm fanatic enough to go see a FF2, even if they don't use canon material. I mean, come on! It's a Fantastic Four movie sequel! The only thing that would keep me from seeing it is if Uwe Bolle directed it. wrong if you remember there is still a little bit of him in the lab.
Babzidu 06-06-07, 06:03 PM	wrong if you remember there is still a little bit of him in the lab. Thats going to be Carnage in the next movie, actually. If they make a next movie. They're still debating that, I think. I just know Toby McGuire isn't Spider-Man anymore. Venom was awesome, though. And by the way. If it ain't either Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan behind the mask, it ain't Venom.
Kassil 06-06-07, 06:14 PM	:banghead: So we went from non-related accusations in accordance with Godwin's Law to dragging political issues in and now we move on to the realm of fans debating movies and comics. At least it brought up something actually *related* to the thread when I scanned it... 1076. Uwe Bolle is in charge of filming all the major rituals for your cult. 1077. Your god has a ritual that lets you sacrifice living superheroes and supervillains to bestow their powers on the so-much-more deserving members of your cult. 1078. You have successfully created a half-tarrasque template and applied it to your temple guardians.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-06-07, 11:03 PM	771: ...you're Freddy's nightmare 772: ...the Pope calls you a Nazi 773: ...when the doctor, upon delivering your baby, says "it's a... a... AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 774: ...Crack cocaine helps you sleep 775: ...the paladin uses detect evil and his head explodes (like Peter Griffin when he ate half the Fudgesicle in one bite.) 776: ...Your kid does an Independent Reading Assignment on the Book of Vile Darkness 777: ...you made your sex therapist weep tears of blood and pitch. 778: ...your backscratcher is a tepaphone 779: ...God decides "better not get involved." 780: ...Pun-Pun pumps your gas... ...for free! 781: ...the Republican Party worships the ground you walk upon 782: ...Bill Clinton thinks you're a pervert 783: ...Jeffrey Dahmer thinks you're a pervert 784: ...your pet's nickname is a word of the Dark Speech 785: ...your autobiography becomes required reading at Yale Law 786: ...Hitler thinks you're "motherf***ing batsh!t" 787: ...you use the Dark Speech to form a hivemind out of the local homeless population 788: ...your toothbrush becomes an evil artifact 789: ...you've molested MJ 790: ...your family motto is Flammae diabolae omnes incendebunt 791: ...when you get nine life sentences without parole, and you serve all of them 792: ...you've possessed the devil 793: ...you sold your soul to yourself to grant yourself the powers of a warlock 794: ...your phylactery is a Swedish enlargement pump 795: ...you sold weapons-grade Deathsong to the Iraqis 796: ...your good-luck charm is your firstborn's left eye 797: ...you sweeten your coffee with necrocarnum 798: ...your wife, mistress, and girlfriend all go to the same preschool 799: ...you can recite the Fifty Names of Marduk in reverse-alphabetical order 800: ...the interior of your refrigerator is a Temple to Gozer the Gozerian. :banghead: So we went from non-related accusations in accordance with Godwin's Law to dragging political issues in and now we move on to the realm of fans debating movies and comics. At least it brought up something actually *related* to the thread when I scanned it... 1076. Uwe Bolle is in charge of filming all the major rituals for your cult. 1077. Your god has a ritual that lets you sacrifice living superheroes and supervillains to bestow their powers on the so-much-more deserving members of your cult. 1078. You have successfully created a half-tarrasque template and applied it to your temple guardians. 1079. You're just not happy in the morning until you've had a cup of coffee, black as night and sweetened with the tormented souls of the innocent. You're cheap, man. Real cheap. :nonono:
Kassil 06-06-07, 11:25 PM	Sorry, I missed that one in the people having fits over Godwin's Law. Oh, and look! It's gone. What a shocking development.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-06-07, 11:27 PM	Sorry, I missed that one in the people having fits over Godwin's Law. Oh, and look! It's gone. What a shock. As punishment for your inattention to detail, I hereby request that you make a "Best of 100" list, comprised of the 100 entries that are the funniest, most topical, and least related to real-life places, people, and things. Okay: "You used the Dark Speech to form a hivemind out of the local homeless population." (Involves game-related elements and homeless people, who have been around since the dawn of man [though their status only became unusual enough to produce humor after the democratic revolutions of the Renaissance and later eras]) Questionable: "Your toothbrush becomes an evil artifact." (The toothbrush was invented by William Addis in 1770, so it's a mildly anachronistic reference) Also Questionable: "You've possessed the devil." (Only makes sense in terms of the Christian devil, and only funny due to brevity [and hyperbole], making further clarification detrimental to the humor.) Not okay (by your standards): "You bit the head off Ozzy Osborn." (Clearly involves a real-world personality that would not make the least sense from an in-[game ]world perspective. I look forward to your choices. If you decide not to do it, I wouldn't mind giving Cryforge the opportunity to choose; it's his thread, after all!
KedynCrow 06-06-07, 11:38 PM	As punishment for your inattention to detail, I hereby request that you make a "Best of 100" list, comprised of the 100 entries that are the funniest, most topical, and least related to real-life places, people, and things. Okay: "You used the Dark Speech to form a hivemind out of the local homeless population." (Involves game-related elements and homeless people, who have been around since the dawn of man [though their status only became unusual enough to produce humor after the democratic revolutions of the Renaissance and later eras]) Questionable: "Your toothbrush becomes an evil artifact." (The toothbrush was invented by William Addis in 1770, so it's a mildly anachronistic reference) Also Questionable: "You've possessed the devil." (Only makes sense in terms of the Christian devil, and only funny due to brevity [and hyperbole], making further clarification detrimental to the humor.) Not okay (by your standards): "You bit the head off Ozzy Osborn." (Clearly involves a real-world personality that would not make the least sense from an in-[game ]world perspective. I look forward to your choices. If you decide not to do it, I wouldn't mind giving Cryforge the opportunity to choose; it's his thread, after all! It's tough but fair. Sort of like that bit of Elf Cleric stuck between my molar-shaped incisors.
HellflameArcanite 06-07-07, 09:09 AM	1079(b). You force others to devour the souls of their loved ones in a macabre ritual to your dark deity.
zzakk2to2 06-07-07, 10:47 AM	1080. the obituarys are your funny pages
HellflameArcanite 06-07-07, 01:12 PM	You realize that the obituaries aren't your funny pages - bad news on the Iraq War is.
zzakk2to2 06-07-07, 01:28 PM	no after all would you prefers to look at someone elses mistake or your hard earned reconition?
HellflameArcanite 06-07-07, 07:49 PM	1082. When you squash other people's ideas on this thread without mercy.
zzakk2to2 06-08-07, 09:27 AM	:pile: i squash your idea under a pile of smilies! :pile:
HellflameArcanite 06-08-07, 11:34 AM	I squash your piles of smiles with an eternity of sarcasm! After all, your idea is really great. Really. Yeah. Right.
zzakk2to2 06-08-07, 12:06 PM	I squash your sarcasm with my demeanor of not caring then set up a field of cancel emotions.
HellflameArcanite 06-08-07, 05:45 PM	1083. When you carry on a feud that's completely off topic in a thread that should be doing serious things.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-08-07, 07:04 PM	1084 ...you invoke self-fulfilling tautologies until the irony causes your foes heads to explode. 1085 ...you use exploding tautology heads to lift your post-partum depression... 1086 ...then go down to the local sperm bank and make a donation. 1087 ...you keep kicking a dead horse... 1088 ...so that it goes faster and can beat the morning rush at the drawbridge 1089 ...your toilet radiates a continuous antilife shell... 1090 ...which doesn't inconvenience you in the slightest
turalisj 06-08-07, 07:39 PM	1091.... When your doorbell plays the song from the Adams Family 1092.... And your butler is an awakened ogre corpse named Lurch 1093.... And your have an animated ball of fur as a cousin :D
HellflameArcanite 06-09-07, 08:21 AM	1094. When your very existence makes the multiverse cringe in pain.
M1kh43l_P4r4d1s0 06-09-07, 08:56 AM	1095: When you worship your evil god in a cult.
Thegans 06-10-07, 01:32 AM	1096. Your temple is filled with holy artifacts, 1097. Created from the bodies of impaled paladin Solars, 1098. That are still living, 1099. And praying to your god for their own deaths, 1100. Because they are forced to watch their powers be used on every good person that tries to stop the cult, 1101. The power does nothing but summon a level 10 expert, 1102. With max ranks in proffession lawyer.
HellflameArcanite 06-10-07, 08:13 AM	1103. You are a lawyer. 1104. Your cult is evil and worships a god. 1104. Your god is evil and worships a cult. 1105. Your evil is god and a cult worships.
Slightly_Unscrewed 06-10-07, 09:31 PM	1106: When you abuse and twist anastrophe, putting all english teachers in mortal pain.
EyeHunter 06-11-07, 02:52 PM	1107: You refer to yourself in the third person 1108: or second 1109: or as "we", as in "We want to eat your spleen!" On the subject of Venom, First, see 1109. Venom refers to theirselves as "we." Second, what was wrong with Venom being Peter's father's (not uncle, father) cure for cancer? I liked that better than the original "Secret War" version, and it was far better than the movie one. Sandman and the Harry Green Goblin were cool, through.
Hellsbells 06-11-07, 04:39 PM	when you consider it the worst day of your life when you don't maim, torture, or kill anyone that day. :angelhide P.S. I'm not evil
Pitiless_Interfector 06-11-07, 05:39 PM	1110 ...Your favored method of dealing with paladins are Improved Grapple and a helm of opposite alignment 1111 ...you forget to brush your teeth and every time you yawned released a cloudkill spell 1112 ...You call Ed Gein "the new Martha Stewart." 1113 ...you have this guy's spell list: 9th: plague of undead, Abyssal army, soul bind 8th: flensing, horrid wilting, maddening whispers 7th: avasculate, awaken undead, finger of death 6th: mass contagion, circle of death, revive undead 5th: wrack, orb of dancing death, symbol of pain, nightmare 4th: crushing despair, fear, burning blood, bestow curse 3rd: blade of pain and fear, claws of darkness, vampiric touch, blacklight 2nd: cloud of knives, black karma curse, command undead, ghoul touch, death armor 1st: blade of blood, chill touch, sacrificial skill, blood wind, cutting hand 0: preserve organ, slash tongue, unnerving gaze, no light, touch of fatigue, arcane mark, ghost sound, daze, acid splash 1114 ...your unnatural aura panics pets, livestock, wildlife, and Girl Scouts 1115 ...you cast unholy blight on yourself to 'help loosen up.' 1116 ...your Fave Five are Pisipad, Ehur-Shu-Dur, Muigude, T'aah'ukin, and Ubienlnaa 1117 ...you're saving your Coke Rewards for a new sacrificial dagger 1118 ...you don't care if the hottie is married; the vow said "'til death do us part." 1119 ...you refer to the Elder Evils as 'homey-bruddaz.' 1120 ...the mere thought of being in your clutches bestows a negative level 1121 ...you find Saw III "Pretty tame for family entertainment." 1122 ...you immolated the Red-Hot Chilli Peppers on an altar oif hellfire 1123 ...you killed Kenny... 1124 ...then reanimated him as a zombie. 1125 ...you leave messages in spiralburst bottles 1126 ...you gave your children a wand of burning hands for their birthday 1127 ...you think necromancers without Spell Focus [Evil] are just posers. 1128 ...you prefer Innate Spell (preserve organ) to Eschew Materials 1129 ...when you can't get to sleep, you count larvae 1130 ...your favorite girlie mag is Night Hags: Ethereal Jaunts
darkneolink 06-11-07, 11:06 PM	1131. when you give a gift to your SO it's somethinh he/she can keep close to his/her heart... 1132. it's usually a pancreas... 1133. or a lung... 1134. of his her father/mother 1135. twice the same year 1136. and she repays you in a ;) way
Dex 06-12-07, 08:04 AM	1137. You look around one day and realise: "Hey, there's a bare spot on the blood-soaked walls." 1138. And use arterial spray to fix it up quick before the head priest arrives.
Zalakhiel 06-12-07, 09:55 AM	1139: ...you add your Profession (Undertaker) modifier as a bonus to damage rolls when you attack a helpless opponent. :P
Thegans 06-12-07, 04:27 PM	1140. You change the temples sign from "Cultists of an Extremly Evil God" to "Avatar's of an Evil Over God because Mortal Cultists are not Evil Enough, Except Lawyers." 1141. You wonder if the topic is running out of good ideas. 1142. Your trying to figure out if there is a connection betwern good idea and good alignment.
Nat_20 06-13-07, 08:11 PM	1143: You use a picture of Kelly Clarkson as your holy symbol.
Thegans 06-13-07, 09:35 PM	1144. You're cult gaurds Tharizdun's prison because you don't want him to destroy everything. 1145. After all if he destroys everything what will you have to torture. 1146. You use to cry when you're vicitms died because you could not torment them anymore. 1147. Then you discovered necrocarnum. 1148. You have a job torturing soul shells in Baator. 1149. The General of Gehenna personally trains your cults soldiers.
Zalakhiel 06-14-07, 03:13 AM	1150: ...you use speak with dead to learn the day`s gossip, as everybody is dead due to your cult!
Nat_20 06-14-07, 01:16 PM	1151: Rebuke Undead get's you laid more than going on dates...
Nilbog 06-14-07, 03:29 PM	794: ...your phylactery is a Swedish enlargement pump What's that? 799: ...you can recite the Fifty Names of Marduk in reverse-alphabetical order . Marduk wasn't an evil god; he was chief Babylonian deity IIRC.
HellflameArcanite 06-14-07, 05:04 PM	1107: You refer to yourself in the third person 1108: or second 1109: or as "we", as in "We want to eat your spleen!" On the subject of Venom, First, see 1109. Venom refers to theirselves as "we." Second, what was wrong with Venom being Peter's father's (not uncle, father) cure for cancer? I liked that better than the original "Secret War" version, and it was far better than the movie one. Sandman and the Harry Green Goblin were cool, through. That's because venom is a fusion of the suit and Eddie Brock, and is actually a psychologically altering thing, so it could be interpreted as sentient. That would make it a "we".
Grod_The_Giant 06-14-07, 05:27 PM	1152. You work for the IRS 1153. So does everyone else in your church.
syrinth 06-14-07, 05:50 PM	1154. When the IRS works for you.
Zalakhiel 06-15-07, 07:12 AM	1155: ...Nerull is your familiar. :P
HellflameArcanite 06-15-07, 08:10 AM	1156. When, in an attempt to emulate your master/servant, you dress up as a Vampiric IRS Employee for Haloween. (I did this once)
Nat_20 06-15-07, 12:48 PM	1157: Your last name is McEatababy, O'Manslaughter, or Cheney..
Thegans 06-15-07, 07:02 PM	1158. "You're the vice president of the United States."
Nat_20 06-16-07, 01:39 AM	1159: You find Chris Rock funny.
EyeHunter 06-16-07, 06:31 PM	That's because venom is a fusion of the suit and Eddie Brock, and is actually a psychologically altering thing, so it could be interpreted as sentient. That would make it a "we". I know that. 1160: you drag threads off into side dissusions that have little or no bearing on the orginal topic.
Babzidu 06-16-07, 08:21 PM	1161: You train the General of Gehenna 1162:the IRS is you familiar 1163: Your cult's theme song is Avril Lavrine's 'Girlfriend'
Nat_20 06-18-07, 02:16 AM	1163: Your cult's theme song is Avril Lavrine's 'Girlfriend' :rofl: OH MY GOD....
HellflameArcanite 06-19-07, 07:11 AM	1164. When your cult supports letting threads such as this one die. Come on people! Post!
Mai_ariti 06-19-07, 01:07 PM	1165 ...your ex-girlfriend was a Succubus 1166 ...who dumped you because she wanted a more meaningful relationship. 1167 ...You invented the Blue "Fatal Error" Screen that appears on computers when you have to write a major paper 1168 ...you wish your throat would stop bleeding when ever you give a sermon. 1169 ...you give dirrections to the bathroom in Dark Speak. 1170 ...you vomit when you think of having children with anything that doesn't have scales, tenticles or wings. 1171 ...you failed a Social Studies test in 5th grade because you listed souls as a renewable resource. 1172 ...you cried when your friend killed a pseudonatural, fiendish baby... 1173 ...because you can't stand to see food wasted.
Inerrup 06-19-07, 03:15 PM	1174 You choose the most silly questions to answer and even with this you are still called "The Sage". :D
Bob the Efreet 06-19-07, 05:01 PM	1168 ...you wish your throat would stop bleeding when ever you give a sermon. 1175. ...you don't wish your throat would stop bleeding whenever you give a sermon.
syrinth 06-20-07, 12:04 AM	1176. When you have a sig 20 times longer than your posts.
Mai_ariti 06-21-07, 11:09 AM	1177 ...you think benevolence is a disease
vineyard 06-21-07, 01:45 PM	1178. <SNIP -- please try not to slam real-world religions, even if you mean it as a joke.>
Doom_Linnorm 06-21-07, 02:53 PM	1179: When your teachings are blasphemous to your own religion. 1180: When you refer to water as "a clear non-bloody fluid" 1181: When you keep posting new ideas despite the fact we've already passed 1001 which is the quota most other threads that list this kind of thing don't reach. 1182: When you think eating non-sentient creatures in ridiculous. 1183: When the life expectancy of your cultists is "N/A" 1184: When the un-life expectancy of your cultists is "We are unable to give this number due to there being to many digits to put on this pamflet." 1185: When you beat people over the head with their spine to torture information out of them despite the fact that you don't speak their language. 1186: Your torture victims are actually still alive while being beaten over their head with their own spine. 1187: You think Hextor is "kinda cute" compared to your deity. 1188: When you keep posting on the "Make your own cool deities thread (http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=592491)" without posting any deities and having an RP fight with other cultists instead. 1189: When you need a dictionary to look up the word "good" 1190: When you think of inventing new ways of torture as an art form. 1191: When your weekly newsletter contains a column dedicated to said art form and the rising new artists.
Mai_ariti 06-22-07, 10:00 AM	1192 ...you get confused when people complain about the alignment system...you mean there is another way to do all this? 1193 ...you think the bell-curve of a normal distrubution is a diagram of how the bodies pile up in mass graves behind your church.
Pitiless_Interfector 06-24-07, 06:51 PM	1194 ...you tell your daughter "You are not going out dressed like a nun." 1195 ...your children are all hideous, genderless freaks... 1196 ...but you have sex with them anyway... 1197 ...then put the images on your MySpace. 1198 ...you swear so profanely you could feeblemind an amnizu. 1199 ...you respond to every query with "read the fine print." 1200 ...you took out Bruce Willis with a helicopter. 1201 ...you teach sex education by extolling the merits of clone, animate objects, and permanency.
turalisj 06-24-07, 07:06 PM	1202: When you worship a brain in a jar who is trying to control wizar...grk!
Arniha 06-24-07, 08:33 PM	No, Oding gave the eye to Mimir, the guy who sits next to the Fountain of Knowledge, so that Odin might have a drink from the well. 90. When you have the ability to use the "HADOKEN!" (see 8-bit Theater) 91. When your birthday features dead humans. (see Order of the Stick) 92. When you know more methods of murder than they show on crime dramas. 93. When "Fear Factor" is a religious ritual for you. 94. And we aren't talking about the show, here. 95. When "Survivor" describes your religious life. for those that don't read eight bit, 91 should just be "When your most powerful spell is fueled by removing love from the world, enough to cause an increase in the divorce rate"
Thegans 06-24-07, 09:23 PM	1203. Your watch spoke to you telling you "The drums, the drums, the drums, the never-ending drumbeat. Open me, you human fool. Open the light and summon me, receive my majesty!" 1204. Your doomsday device will destroy a solar system if its tampered with the wrong way. 1205. You take over a kingdom and give thums up as you have all of the nobility poisoned. 1206. You have an army of constructs the sound like children and you gleefully watch as they chop up and vaporise anyone you want them to. 1207. "So it came to pass that the sentient races fell and the world was no more. And I looked down upon my new dominion, as Master of all, and I thought it... good." Is typically said by newcomers into the cult. 1208. The multiverse exists so that there are plenty of world for the new cultists to chose to destroy 1209. The high priest spent some time resting at the end of time. 1210. Adventureres from across the multiverse die of fright when they discover that the you destroyed there home worlds just so you can get your first level in the adept class. 1211. You resserect them and tell them that you actually destoyed there homeworld and the associate planes as an extra credit assignment so you could take a level in cleric instead.
darkneolink 06-24-07, 11:14 PM	1204. Your doomsday device will destroy a solar system if its tampered with the wrong way. 1212. and it will destroy the entire mutliverse if used the right way
Thegans 06-25-07, 05:04 PM	1212. and it will destroy the entire mutliverse if used the right way 1213. Except all of the celebrity news stories that make you go who the hell cares, 1213. And the warning labels on a can of soup that say edges may be sharp. No wait thats all wrong 1214. When its used correctly the skys will turn blood red and robot spheres from the end of time that were originally the humanoid life forms will enter from the rift in time and space caused by the paradox and kill there ancestors for fun.
Magon 07-04-07, 06:14 PM	1215: you play D&D
Kelmourne 07-04-07, 06:49 PM	1216: You listen to "My Chemical Romance" (Let me explain, MCR = Emo = cutting yourself = blood sacrifices = evil cult)
skydin 07-05-07, 04:03 AM	1217: you are being swallowed by a creature made of writhing tentacles, who is the spawn of some poor (by some definitions) woman and a thing beyond gods which holds all the women in the multiverse from 5 generations in his eternal embrace, which is mid-draining your intelligence to that of an animal in heat, and your thinking "DUDE, ima be a preistess, ima be a preistess!"
Banatine 07-05-07, 07:48 AM	1203. Your watch spoke to you telling you "The drums, the drums, the drums, the never-ending drumbeat. Open me, you human fool. Open the light and summon me, receive my majesty!" 1207. "So it came to pass that the sentient races fell and the world was no more. And I looked down upon my new dominion, as Master of all, and I thought it... good." Is typically said by newcomers into the cult. Aren't these both Doctor Who referances?
Lady_Sophia 07-05-07, 09:13 AM	...natural light harms you ...you eat brains for breakfast ...and have the charred remains for dessert ...your first date was with death ...your second being Glasya ...Peasants flee at the mention of your name ...it's good to be bad ...the ground you walk on dies underfoot, and the Undead stir in there sleep ...you have Asmodeus on speed-dial ...your ISP is AOL Anytime ...you smell of decay even after a shower ...you sleep in a coffin ...you summon demoness' for fun ...the thought of killing innocents is funny ...the act of killing innocents is your job ...your daily rituals include sacrifice ...your pet Dog is actually the little girl next door ...your sacrificial knife is all the company you need
GoriceXII 07-05-07, 10:01 AM	Lady Sophia: those are all fun but the most twisted is the dog one...geeze. - Your wife's first words to you each morning are 'please let me die' - Strange motley racially mixed groups of heavily armed people are always trying to sneak into your home, steal everything and kill you and your friends - You're the guy Pazuzu sends to the store to buy some smokes - You hear awful screams in the night, and just think "those guys are working late" roll over and go back to sleep.
Lady_Sophia 07-05-07, 10:16 AM	Does anyone else think that was twisted? If so, i'll happily change it to something less...err...twisted. with regards to: "...when your pet dog is actually the little girl next door"
GoriceXII 07-05-07, 10:50 AM	I actually thought it was funny. I mean let's be honest, there are a lot of human sacrifice jokes in this thread.
Thegans 07-05-07, 06:32 PM	Aren't these both Doctor Who referances? Yeah but the last few episodes of the third new season did have some really evil but funny stuff.
Lady_Sophia 07-05-07, 07:01 PM	...you say to your loved one, "Will you sacrifice me?" ...your wedding is a Blood Fest ...your name is Gabriel ...your the Son of Satan ...your name is Damien ...you are Satan ...Undead Monsters, do not affect you ...at the Library people call you "The Pale Master, Keeper of Souls and Guardian of the Bloody Tomes" ...you listen to the song, "Night Fever" while preparing your incantations for the next sacrifice ...you listen to "Night Fever" just in general ...you have a spell called "Night Fever" ...your favourite line in a play is "To kill, or not to kill: that is the question" though you are sure you may've been dreaming it ...by night, you have Zombies guarding your Tomb. By day, Michael Jackson ...all day you dream about death ...all night you make that dream come true ...your idea of fun, is seeing Virgin Women in chains being led to the alter (and not to be married) ...you were born to sacrifice ...you were born to be sacrificed ...your death bed will be an alter of sacrifice.
exile_in_bad_faith 07-05-07, 09:02 PM	* You spent the extra money on a Bag of Holding Type II, just so that you can carry around a Rack of Irresistable Torture (which you also spent the money on, even though it meant to having enough for a basic weapon) * The Drow that own the tavern are too afraid to ask why blood was dripping from the ceiling of their room, which is right under yours, or complain about all the screaming. * You needed to sacrifice your mother to enter into your priest hood... and your father helped you do it.
skydin 07-05-07, 11:37 PM	okay, i find thsi a little weird... my charecters dog is the girl next door, she does summon demonsess' for fun, and i do hear aweful screams and think "those guys are working late". does that mean im an evil cultist?
Lady_Sophia 07-06-07, 07:21 AM	Yes...yes it does... ...you look suspitiously at everyone in the street ...sacrificing animals is beneath you ...your family doctor is a necro-cultist ...your family dentist is the chief torturer of your temple ...your family therapist is a lesser demon ...your motto is "Kill and Kill again" ...saying "I'll see you in Hell" is an arrangement between friends ...saying "same again thursday" means someone else is going to die on thursday ...saying "Oh God" gets you killed
oracle71 07-06-07, 04:00 PM	Demogorgon, Obox-Ob, and Juiblex form a dark pact for the express purpose of capturing for an intervention, because your master is just ****ing nuts.
skydin 07-06-07, 08:43 PM	KEWL i totaly wanna be a cultist now...
HellflameArcanite 07-06-07, 11:53 PM	1269. When your cult advocates the removing of numbers from a very high-numbered list, forcing sleep-deprived people with avatars of bald-ish mages to count and possibly throw the count completely off with his anger at said cultists.
Magon 07-07-07, 05:31 PM	1269. When your cult advocates the removing of numbers from a very high-numbered list, forcing sleep-deprived people with avatars of bald-ish mages to count and possibly throw the count completely off with his anger at said cultists. WUUT KEWL : :heehee :heehee :pile: :invasion: :invasion: :hoppingma :duel: :duel: :detect: :detect: :ton: :tie: :drool: :drool: :OMG! :OMG! :OMG! :dragon: :88E: :coolcthul
Kesuk2k5 07-07-07, 08:28 PM	1270: You pay for everything in foreign coppers.
Lady_Sophia 07-10-07, 03:11 PM	...your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
Alpha_Moose 07-10-07, 04:17 PM	...your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. You just gained 50 points. If you find out what they can be used for, you get another 50.
Lunas_Argent 07-22-07, 04:22 PM	1271) When you vote for him twice.
BlackHalfDragon 07-22-07, 07:18 PM	* The Drow that own the tavern are too afraid to ask why blood was dripping from the ceiling of their room, which is right under yours, or complain about all the screaming. show the poncey b*tches how its done!
Lunas_Argent 07-23-07, 04:13 PM	* The Drow that own the tavern are too afraid to ask why blood was dripping from the ceiling of their room, which is right under yours, or complain about all the screaming.show the poncey b*tches how its done!1272. You show the poncey b*tches how its done!
BlackHalfDragon 07-23-07, 04:37 PM	1273 : you cant do it unless tenticles are involved 1274: you cant do it unless ritual defilement is involved 1275: you participate in a thread called "You know you're a cultist of an evil god when..."
TheAnthroDM 07-24-07, 01:11 AM	1276: When your idea of the perfect mate is a elf with a combined Corruption and Depravity score of at least 82. 1277: When you have a subscription to Ghasts Gone Wild. 1278: When you don't care whether its a Boy or a Girl, just as long as it's an Unholy Scion
Entropy_Judge 08-01-07, 10:59 AM	1040. Your cult helped write the tax code. Does anyone besides me (and probably Kassil) find the numbering on this one hopelessly ironic? I think that this post is among the funniest in the entire list (and not neccessarily anachronistic, either).
skirklord1 10-16-07, 02:53 PM	1279: Your window boxes breathe fire. 1280: An entire civilisation hasn't been crushed beneath your feet and you consider it a bad day. 1281: Cherubs die when you look at them. 1282: You think toothbrush moustahches are rad! 1283: Chuck Norris quakes in fear at the name of your deity.
The_Shaman 10-16-07, 03:25 PM	1284: You love listening to iron maiden performances. No, not the metal band. 1285: The second biggest room in the temple is a torture chamber 1286: with "what would god do?" motivational posters on the walls.
Thegans 10-16-07, 07:18 PM	1279: Your window boxes breathe fire. 1280: An entire civilisation hasn't been crushed beneath your feet and you consider it a bad day. 1281: Cherubs die when you look at them. 1282: You think toothbrush moustahches are rad! 1283: Chuck Norris quakes in fear at the name of your deity. 1287. Rumor has it that your diety is the father or mother of Chuck Norris and that ChucK Norris is hidding from them because he forgot to do his chores.
goldomark 10-17-07, 03:08 AM	1288. you get carpal tunnel syndrom from plunging daggers into virgin's heart.
johnny_reb_21 10-17-07, 06:13 AM	1289: you ressurected a thread that was almost dead.....again
Thegans 10-17-07, 04:35 PM	1289: you reanimated a thread that was almost dead.....again Fixed.
turalisj 10-20-07, 05:24 PM	1290) You got caught with Asmodeus' daughter
Magon 10-28-07, 04:36 AM	1290) You got caught with Asmodeus' daughter 1290) and where lectured for bad taste