Post/Author/DateTime	Post
darkknightjm 07-15-06, 04:00 PM	The name says it all... 1. "The dragon breaths fire at you, save or die" *DM looks at dice* "wait, nevermind, your dead ether way"
Pfisiar 07-15-06, 06:57 PM	2. Make a balance check 3. Make a fortitude save. 4. Oh ****. (usually means one of two things. Tonight's session is over as the players just lucksacked their way into derailing everything the DM had planned tonight or the entire party has just been killed with a big lucksack roll by a big baddy.)
ApocalypseRat 07-15-06, 07:08 PM	5. "hang on" *rolls, scribbles* "ok..." that usally scares my players to death if you can time it just right.
thaylok 07-15-06, 11:25 PM	> I usually toss one of my players a note saying "Be ready to play along"... Then during the middle of a battle (only do this once every few months), I look at the player and say "XXX Now!,"
IrishRover 07-15-06, 11:35 PM	DM reading a prepared moduel--the PC's go where she didn't really expect right away... She looks at her notes, and says, "This is...interesting..."
boss351freak 07-16-06, 02:24 PM	*rolls* you die since u just walked in.. "no no im a master theif i sneak in!" *rolls* you die again "no did i say sneak? i ment crawl inch by inch looking for a trap!!" *rolls* sorry but your dead again... ****.... lol (the movie the gamers)
SeptimusMagistos 07-16-06, 03:46 PM	12.(I think) Okay. Now I'm mad! 13. ...appears... 14. Lolth 15. I told you this was a bad idea. 16. I'm really sorry. But man, this is gonna be so cool!
Arcane 07-16-06, 07:11 PM	17. *chortle*
angryman 07-16-06, 10:17 PM	18: "You do what? Ok..." 19: "The sun blots out as a gigantic shadow falls over you." 20: "You detect and overwhelming aura of evil & are stunned."
Nagaraka 07-17-06, 03:51 AM	"You're going where?!...::megalomaniacal laugh::" I know I've said that once or twice.
Titan W 07-17-06, 04:09 AM	21: "Oops, sorry..." 22: "That's a 20 isn't it..." 23: "Well... that's what we call a tactical blunder..." 24: "So.... you made extra characters right..." 25: "My nickname just TPK last session at antoher game I don't know what that means but that's what people were saying." 26: "So... you remembered your resurrection spell right?" -To the cleric- 27: "Well this session just ended unexpectedly quickly...." 28: "You all start this campaign as 1st level NPC classes." 29: "So... you're a 1st level expert and you insult the guard captain... you take 18 damage, trust me, he hits." (actually caused a TPK because we were 1st level NPC classes and they were 2nd level fighters and a 3rd level warlock)
ArchonJohn 07-19-06, 12:05 AM	You see Cthulu. And...? It's Cthulu. You go insane and die. He devours your soul. *players grab new character sheets*
Halfbat 07-19-06, 09:43 AM	5. "hang on" *rolls, scribbles* "ok..." that usally scares my players to death if you can time it just right. :rofl: Absolutely! It's all in the timing... In a similar vein: 31.GM: "Make a Spot roll." Player: **Rolls dice...** "I got a 28!" GM: **Looks down at sheet and nods** "OK. You don't see anything." 32.Player: **Rolls attack dice** "Natural 20! Confirmed! Now with maxed out Power Attack from my Barbarian, with a 2-handed greatsword, in rage.... do I even need to roll damage?" GM: **Glances down at sheet** "Ooh yes."
Sean, THe Incompotent 07-19-06, 10:25 AM	33)can you give me the la for x y or z
SeptimusMagistos 07-19-06, 10:39 AM	34. Is anyone familiar with chemical properties of lithium? (Lithium is the lightest of all metals and the 3rd lightest of all elements. It also reacts explosively with just about anything and has a tendency to suck air out of wherever it is, creating vacuum. The wind thus created might well shut and seal all the doors in the room.)
savant_warlord13 07-20-06, 10:10 PM	35. How many pints of oil do you have? 36. Roll a save for you (insert most valuable item) 37. to a wizard- make a grapple check
Limousine_Liberal 07-20-06, 10:13 PM	38. [DM rolls dice] Holy S&$#! Um, how many hit points did you have left? or worse 39. [DM rolls dice] So...what character were you thinking of playing next?
Thanqol 07-21-06, 04:51 AM	40. "Don't you remember? I am He Who Knows Not The CR System" I love that title ^^
Hexis 07-21-06, 05:03 AM	This really happened. Player1: well we wanna go to the town soo... (just started Game) DM: Ok, thats... (rolls dice) Three random encounters. Player2: ok DM: (rolls dice) (laughs for 2 mins) Ha huh HA! kk Your first encounter is a T-rex.
towerwrath 07-21-06, 08:12 AM	are you shure? um.....ok let me see your charactor sheet come outside I need to talk to you Heh heh (mutters to self) thats evil :evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh rolls d20, whats your ac? rolls d20 again, make a fort save
NullAshton 07-21-06, 10:46 AM	41. Make a couple of fortitude saves... about 5 will saves... and I think there's a few reflex saves in there too.
Elora_Gwyre 07-21-06, 03:11 PM	42. "So, I was talking to *another player* earlier and he said you have this great plan all laid out to kill the lich. I told him I had toned the lich down a bit so you guys wouldn't die, but he said 'no, we can handle anything he throws at us, we're all ready!'....so, solve this sudoku puzzle to get through the door while I borrow your PHB and pick some spells. Are you ready for a new campaign?" (actual conversation kicking off our session last night). 43. "Are you sure?....wow, you're feeling reckless tonight."
Elora_Gwyre 07-21-06, 03:13 PM	oh yeah...and 44. At the end of the session..."you're all leveling up to 6th level after tonight? *malicious and giddy laugh*"...as I look over his shoulder and see the MM open to the mindflayer
Kyle_the_wizard 07-21-06, 03:24 PM	45.To the Barbarian: Roll a will save.. 46.To any one: come with me and bring your 20 sided 47.Something jumps out at you, your all surprised...*rolls a bit*...So did any of you happen to know a good cleric? 48. Your sitting down to eat and suddenly the next thing you remember is that your in a circular pit, without any equipment
DragonDeadite 07-21-06, 03:39 PM	49) DM: Do any of you know what a Tarrasque is? No? Oh goodie... 50) (This happened recently to me) DM: What's your AC? PC: ummm... after all the buffs... 37. DM: :rolls: Uhh... what's 39 plus 14? PC:.......higher than my AC. DM: Oh good. 51) What's the level adjustment for a drow priestess? 52) Anyone ever play the module "A Paladin in Hell?" Yeah... it'll be a lot like that. 53) What level are you? oh... I thought you were higher... well... you should survive... 54) Hm... I'm short some D12s... :Holding about 12 in his hand already: 55) Hey, what does DR 15/- mean? :after fighting hard for the last 5 rounds: 56) :The DM Smiles: (That's it... that's all you have to do... nothing else is needed baby!)
savant_warlord13 07-21-06, 03:57 PM	57. (outside of combat) Everybody make reflex saves. Barbarian, use your uncanny dodge bonus. Just out of curiousity, is this supposed to be 10,001 things, or was that a typo?
Bob_The_Wizard 07-21-06, 04:42 PM	58: Confirming crit. 59: Crit confirmed. 60: (I hate it when this happens to me) Double crit. You pop.
nameless_one_86 07-21-06, 06:11 PM	61. *sounds of dice gathering behind DM screen* Hmmm... Hand over all of your d6's 62. I use this a lot: DM(me): :P Roll d20 Player(s): Why ? Dm: Just roll :D
countbubba 07-21-06, 08:34 PM	63. [to anyone] Roll Reflex. 64. What's your armor class? Okay. 65. *smiles* 66. You hear thunder.* *Note: This is something that my group calls "The DM Thunder". If you hear it, it means you have displeased the DM. It is always a sign of bad things to come.
darkknightjm 07-21-06, 09:17 PM	yes it is a typo, it shud be 10,001 things
savant_warlord13 07-21-06, 09:36 PM	yes it is a typo, it shud be 10,001 things I meant that it should probably be 1001 things.
MuteFlute 07-21-06, 10:02 PM	The dreaded... X+1)My girlfriend/wife wants to sit in on this one.. X+2)I'll warn you, I've just had a vindaloo. X+3)DM: Who's taking up the rear? PLayers: Thats *players name* DM: OK, * passes a note to the player who is taking up rear saying* Suddenly a wall appears and seperates you from the rest of the group, and its pitch black. You hear manical laughter. *says to the rest of the group* You hear a pop and look behind to see a wall block you from ...
Darth K'Trava 07-21-06, 11:28 PM	According to this DM's program, you (the party) only have a 30% chance of surviving with 100% of resources used. It took awhile but we wiped the encounter with only minimal use of party resources and NO deaths.
Slightly_Unscrewed 07-22-06, 12:10 PM	71: "Roll will" 72: "Oops"
Narthon 07-22-06, 02:19 PM	73: Do any of you have improved sunder? No? Oh well, you see a dragon-like creature with 12 heads...
Terik Silverbow 07-22-06, 03:32 PM	74: Night falls. Make a spot check. 75: Huh. Wow, didn't expect that. 76: ...........*NPC* looks kind of mad...... 77: *Rogue drops nat 20 Search* Great, that's a 38. Any traps? DM: You find nothing. Rogue: Ok, I open the door. DM: :evillaugh :devil:
speeblefreak 07-22-06, 04:18 PM	78. *passes a note to a player* Don't let anyone see that. 79. Remeber: blame the dice, not me. 80. *grabs player's mini* This is approximately what happens to you.... 81. Wow, you guys are rolling really badly tonight! 82. *rolls for about a minute* Make 27 Fortitude saves. (actually happened, though I don't know if I got the number right) 83. And that goes for the rest of you. 84. Okay, I'm going to take that comment seriously. 85. You all see that *player*'s skin has turned a sickly grey. 86. (Blah blah blah) fog. 87. Yeah. That's not going to work as well as you thought. 88. DM: Make five Reflex saves. PC: I'm tied up! DM: Oh, that's right. So I guess you fail all of them. 89. You are probably wondering why I have every page of the MM bookmarked. 90. He attacks...*rolls exactly three times* *looks at you* 91. I need more minis! 92. We're out? Okay, pretend each of these minis counts for 10. 93. Pass the paper shredder. 94. I'm going to need my calculator. 95. No, no, my good calculator. 96. You're going to hate me for this. 97. *rolls* Are you dead? *rolls* How about now? *rolls some more* Now?
Terik Silverbow 07-22-06, 04:31 PM	98: DM: *rolls* What was your AC again? Player: 38. Good luck. DM: *thinks for a moment, picks up d20* *mumbling* ok, so a 2 verifies...... Player: :OMG!
speeblefreak 07-22-06, 04:54 PM	99. *rolls* For vorpal purposes, do you have a head? 100. 10...9...8...
MEAT 07-23-06, 02:07 AM	Players: "We enter the room!" DM: "The NPC is in front of you, right?"
countbubba 07-23-06, 09:15 AM	102. What's the marching order of your party? 103. Who's in the front? 104. Who's in the back?
Rentar1743 07-23-06, 10:10 AM	105. When you have a female character in the group, and the DM charms her into spending the night with an NPC then rolls some die, and asks what's your character doing for the next 9 months.
A Bigmouth Bard 07-23-06, 12:38 PM	#106. (DM rolls) "Hmmm...I forget. Is damage over 50 massive damage for a human?" #107. "You notice the room seems to be getting smaller..." #108. "As you walk down the hallway, you hear a creature breathing heavily..."
savant_warlord13 07-23-06, 02:25 PM	109. You see a floating skull with gems in the eye and tooth sockets.
countbubba 07-23-06, 04:36 PM	110. Could someone pass me the "Random Diseases" table and a d% please?.... Ooh! DM's choice! 111. [in response to any save] No, that fails. 112. DM: Have you ever heard of [something]? PCs: No.... DM: Good.
LonePaladin 07-23-06, 08:31 PM	I'm notorious in my group for this one: 113: "You don't know."
SilverDragon42 07-23-06, 10:17 PM	114. DM: Your +1 Longsword just got sundered... Do you have any other weapons? PC: No DM: :devil: :evillaugh
OneEye589 07-23-06, 10:44 PM	115. DM: How fast is your run speed? Player: 90. DM: Sucks to be you. 116. (I actually did this in a campaign of two) DM (Me): Okay, you look around, you're in a path in the middle of a cornfield. You look to either side and see scarecrows, it's very dark and you can faintly see a light ahead. Druid: Okay, I wildshape into an owl and fly ahead 400 feet forward and 100 feet in the air to scout. Barbarian: I stay behind, just in case. DM: Barb, roll spot and listen checks. Barb: *Rolls* DM: Okay, you hear something to your right and left. Looking to either side, you see the scarecrows are no longer there. Barb: Uh, I yell to the druid. DM: Roll a listen check. Druid: *Rolls* DM: You fail. and The barb is dead.
darkknightjm 07-26-06, 10:46 PM	117. to the fighter in full pl8: make a swim check.
Morrowner 07-26-06, 11:47 PM	118 Core only. 119 There won't be much combat. 120 We're not using point buy. 121 You need to pay money to play; 122 I don't have money for the pizza, guys.
Mindolin 07-27-06, 12:47 AM	123. PC: Does a 19 save? DM: ...Nope. 124. DM: Have you ever heard of [insert local archmage or obscure deity] Players: No. DM: Then how did you get him/her/it mad at you? 125. DM: Pass me the Epic Level Handbook, please. PCs: But we're level five. DM: Oh. Then I guess we can skip the dice rolling. So, what's next?
Iddig Ap Nil 07-27-06, 01:20 AM	126. I'm kinda bored... 127. I'm kinda drunk... 128. Uhm, I need to borrow everyones' D6s...No, all of them, right. Thanks. Darn, my hands aren't big enough, I might have to roll these in shifts...Uhm, anyone have a calculator? And where's the multiplication button?
azmodael 07-27-06, 04:40 AM	129. You say you got above average HP for your level, huh? Well then, I guess we are going for a Sudden Maximize&Empower... Two mins later: Any survivors? 130. (An evil NPC cleric to a disguised character) Oh my fellow zombie minion you are hurt, let me heal you... *casts Harm* 131. You guys say that the vampire can despell the magic circle gains evil? Roll your Will saves.
Sphyre 07-27-06, 08:08 AM	20: "You detect and overwhelming aura of evil & are stunned." 32.Player: **Rolls attack dice** "Natural 20! Confirmed! Now with maxed out Power Attack from my Barbarian, with a 2-handed greatsword, in rage.... do I even need to roll damage?" GM: **Glances down at sheet** "Ooh yes." Guilty! 56) :The DM Smiles: (That's it... that's all you have to do... nothing else is needed baby!) So freaking guilty that my hands would be redder than your face after getting smacked with what just killed your character. Sometimes it's accompanied by a "teheehee" :schemes: 58: Confirming crit. 59: Crit confirmed. 90. He attacks...*rolls exactly three times* *looks at you* Guilty again! :D 120 We're not using point buy. 120b) We're using point buy. (Not really, but seriously, just because you're married to pointbuy, doesn't mean there aren't other fish in the sea.) 132: I'm implementing natural fumbles. (Seriously, if you do the math, and you still implement natural fumbles, can I have what you're smoking?)
green_yawgmoth 07-27-06, 09:02 AM	50) (This happened recently to me) DM: What's your AC? PC: ummm... after all the buffs... 37. DM: :rolls: Uhh... what's 39 plus 14? PC:.......higher than my AC. DM: Oh good. Guilty. In all honesty, the 7th level sorcerer should not have been in melee with the huge earth elemental. ("but I have claws, I should be able to claw him durrrr!") http://www.photobucket.com/albums/v91/yawgmoth/kittyjig.gif
Marudred 07-27-06, 01:54 PM	#133: Click, Roll reflex saves
penguinsrule 07-27-06, 02:21 PM	134: DM: Critical Threat Player (Me): Oh crap. DM: Unconfirmed Player: *sigh of relief* DM: OK, now its confirmed Player: WHAT?! DM: I hadn't rolled yet 135: DM: Don't worry, you know [me] is going to die before all of you *total of 12 campaign deaths, 5 of which have been mine 136: DM: Ok, make 3 fortitude saves (poison dart X2, toxic gas), a will save (dominate person), and a reflex save (lightning bolt) *highest level party member = 3 137: DM: You guys can handle a vampire right? *same session as above
Rancorous_Fool 07-27-06, 02:56 PM	138. roll deliciative. 139. So you guys split up?
purpledragon 07-27-06, 09:26 PM	DM-**reads some stats for a monster** Oh, I didn't know they could do that! Roll initiatives
FiestFan 07-27-06, 10:09 PM	141) DM to Wizard: Did you memorize Fly today? Player: Nope DM: This'll be.... interesting, then. 142) Take (current HP total + 15) damage and roll a DC 23 Will save. Don't fail.
GingerbreadMan 07-27-06, 10:15 PM	143.) Player: "Wait shouldnt my warforged character get a bonus vs swallow whole for tasting bad? DM: Sure. of course that means there are penalties for tasting good... *looks to the halfling and smiles*
speeblefreak 07-28-06, 01:03 AM	144. Your shadow is getting bigger. 145. DM: Are you sure you wish for that? Player: Yes. Why? DM: Oh, no reason. :smirk: 146. Check out this cool book by Upper_Krust I got! 147. And to think the odds of that summoning working were 1%. 148. DM: Can I see you character sheet? Player: Why? DM: *produces a book of matches* 149. If only you had thought to search the door for traps I wouldn't have to do this to you.
WinterPsionic 07-28-06, 02:15 AM	150. DM: It's raining severe acid and your near a cave, what do you do? Players:GO IN THE CAVE!!! DM: Ok everyone make a will save... DM:Oh my what low rolls....*rolls dice*....*scribbles*....*rolls more dice*....*asks for the Dracomnicon*... Players:O.o.....were done for... DM:*Looks up*Oh that....ya your all dead this is for what's next 151. DM:MAN I was up all night working on that Lich build and I lost it.... Players: YAY.... DM: Nevermind found it! 152. DM: Ok Rogue make a spot check, if you fail that means the party's dead, the DC is 40 Rogue:.....I'm only level 5...... DM:Ohhhh make that DC 50 153.DM: Hmmmm now where'd I put that bag of D20's 154.DM: That gimp cleric has forced an intelligent bite ball to wrap around your neck and sit in your mouth, you fall to the ground in fear...knowing all this guess what's next.... 155.DM: You suffer 30 points of penetration damage
boozerker 07-28-06, 04:35 AM	156 Lays down a stack of papers, "Extra character sheets for tonight," ;) . 157 What's your Run modifier? 158 The sword is hilt deep in your eye. 159 Hmm, are there rules for massive heart attacks? 160 Oh boy, good thing you're all sitting. 161 Fetch me a beer and it might hurt a lot less. 162 You're not going to like this. 163 Did you bring a back-up weapon? 164 Would hot armor burn everywhere? 165 A dire mosquito? Not quite, just turn slowly around. 166 OK, damage time. Where's my bag of death dice? 167 The swarm of bats back there? You see a same number of elder vampires. 168 It laid eggs in you. 169 As you fall in the swamp, those hundreds of floating "logs" spring into action. 170 LOOKOUT! 171 You just giant growthed the stampede. Now the cows really gain on you. 172 The fall damage is, oh... how high are clouds anyway? 173 The battlefield spins away as you watch a headless figure wave aimlessly. 174 As you're leaning for a better look off the cliff.. :bump: 175 Wow, even if you make the Fort save...
Grod_The_Giant 07-28-06, 10:14 AM	176. PC: I search the door for traps...rolls...yes! natural 20! DM: You see nothing but a thin, red, scaly thingy at the bottom of the door. it looks kind of like its being used to block drafts. PC: Ok i open the door. DM: Ok, you hear a draconic squeal of rage. dozens of huge reddish shadows stand up in the cave. it's suddenly lit up by dozens of streams of fire and flashes of magic, revealing it to be a red dragon lair. Make 17 reflex saves, 5 foritude saves and 14 will saves. :dragon: 177. dm:You SURE you want to do that pc: why? dm: oh, no reason :schemes:
Sulaco 07-28-06, 10:52 AM	178: "Hi, my name is Drizzt and I'll be your scene-stealing NPC today."
Morrowner 07-28-06, 05:24 PM	179 Mmm, non-associated class levels. 180 And the villain activates his Bracelets of Friends.
lonedrow02 07-28-06, 05:38 PM	181-every one roll a d6.......also witch one of you is a cleric? 182-oooo.....thats a critical hit.. player-c,mon i have 4 hp left gimmie a break dm-ok jus cuz i feel bad ill reroll........ohhh thats another critical hit... 183-who was in the front?
supernerd222 07-28-06, 06:51 PM	184: Colossal red dragon miniature came in the mail today.
1337Ninja 07-28-06, 07:03 PM	135: (To level 8 cleric) You take, um, let's see... (rolls) 131 damage. Guilty!
Draaka 07-29-06, 12:41 PM	Well, its your call......
Shekias 07-29-06, 03:36 PM	187. Gamer: Alright I'll take a 10. DM: Do you feel threatened right now? Gamer: No, not really. DM: (Slaps gamer in the face) How about now? Yes, a true story.
countbubba 07-29-06, 06:56 PM	189. Could someone pass me the Book of Vile Darkness? 190. Because I said so/I don't care. 191. How big is it? Bigger than you, let's put it that way. EDIT: 192. Roll Spot. [players roll] Okay, now roll Reflex.
Draaka 07-29-06, 08:35 PM	Hold on, I need to get my bigger box of minis from the car.... Anyone got any spare dice? Ive need more than I own....
ConclaveKing 07-29-06, 10:01 PM	195: *reaches into his folder and pulls out some character sheets* You'll need these. 196: You walk in and, oh, ****. Let's just call it a night, eh? 197: *players leave a crypt* Alright, (person in the back) someone taps you on the shoulder. 198: *to a bard* Do you know the funeral song? 199: Player: I open the door. DM: No you don't. Player: Yes, I do. DM: You sure? Player: Yea... DM: I tried to warn you.... :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored:
Dead_Karma 07-29-06, 10:08 PM	200. don't worry it's only does 20d20 damage
Draaka 07-29-06, 10:56 PM	Come on, its not THAT many *insert eveil kiling name of doom* really.....You could take them......
vanrulzz 07-30-06, 11:49 PM	My DM is a Harry Potter freak. One day he said "A evli looking man jumps out of a portal. He shouts 'I am Lord Voldemort' and the last words your characters hear are 'Avada Kedavra!!'" that DM was punished serverely.
smeagol_lied 07-31-06, 09:45 AM	201: Dm: you see a lot of orcs ahead. Player: How many? DM: 32. Player: I toss a fireball at them. Dm: the image of the orcs fades and you see one ****** off red dragon.
DaisMiir_Sir_Unilev 08-01-06, 11:22 AM	202: Okay, just hold on a second as I get all relevant books on this matter. : DM brings out a huge Fricken stack of source material: You guys mind helping me with something? 203: Player: "<Insert Deity name> can suck my <Insert part of the male anatomy here>!" DM: "Roll reflex...Okay, cancel that. Roll fortitude...Okay, cancel THAT! Roll 4d6 six times, subtracting the lowest result each time." I want to do this with my players sometimes. I wonder how that would work in a 204: Psionic Campaign.
speeblefreak 08-01-06, 04:01 PM	205. I'm using every single rule in UA. This meeting. 206. Player: I say the Simbul can :censored: :censored: :censored: ! DM: Funny you should mention the Simbul... 207. Ever wonder what Xykon's thing in the shadows is? You're about to find out. 208. Imagine a bowling alley where you are the pins, a sphere of annihilation is the ball, and that Sharran priest is *insert famous bowler here* 209. The cucc--I mean, the chicken cries in anger. Hundreds of chicken cries answer it. 210. No, I don't think Cyric is very happy with you.
linux 08-01-06, 07:36 PM	211- "I forgot the beer" 212- "....oops....."
DaisMiir_Sir_Unilev 08-01-06, 11:25 PM	214: Psionic Orcs. 215: Mindflayer's 216: The Underdark :evillaugh 217: Githyanki/Githzerai 218: 1 T-rex, 2 T-rex, 1 rocky skinned Psionic Orc, an Incarnation of Death, 4 Velociraptors, And a catgirl who eats the brains of mindflayer's. That last one I actually did pull on my group. The first encounter they ever had was a t-rex, the next day the Rex brought his mate, third they had to fight an orc (I used a psion Large Earth Elemental) with psionic powers, fourth, after they beat death the ever famous quote was said by my Gray Orc player, "Better to threaten Death than to cheat him." And finally, 4 velociraptors. When it comes to the catgirl that eats mindflayer's brains, she's a cohort on the groups excurssion through the "Unknown Plane of Past." My group was about 5 and 6 level when they started in this world. 7 players if you include mine. :evillaugh --- 219: A DM has a group of players who no matter what he tries, refuse to give him more detail with their attacks and other rolls. DM: "Good news, we got some new House Rules." Players: "Oh, cool!" DM: "If you are verbose in your actions, you get bonuses." Players: "COOL!" DM: "If you are not descriptive enough for my tastes, you get penalties." Players: "What!" 220: DM: "Let's begin."
Sean, THe Incompotent 08-01-06, 11:31 PM	219) I can't wait to try my new percentile die out ...oh good (laughs) so far the best way I’ve ever started a session
Captain_Tork 08-02-06, 12:03 PM	220- He points at you, your dead 221-*rolls a 1 for attack roll* he hits 222-How many hit points *did* you have? 223-You did bring 7 other characters right?
metamind 08-02-06, 12:37 PM	224: Pun-Pun! 225: Chuck Norris! 226: I saw Hostile the other day. And I finished making my new campaign! 227: I bought the BoVD! 228: DM: My brothers going to be playing today! His Brother: OMGZORZ TEH C4RACT3R 1 G0T IS TEH 1337!!!!!!!!1111!oneone!
linux 08-02-06, 07:27 PM	229- o.... batshit
Bob_The_Wizard 08-02-06, 09:37 PM	230: *Just sits there with an evil smile*
Hobo_sapiens 08-02-06, 09:59 PM	231. PC: *insert action* DM: *laughs uncontrollably, notices the PC isn't laughing, stares blankly for a few seconds* Oh... Oh my God, you're serious? 232. "As you enter the room you see an old man sitting in its center. He doesn't appear to have any weapons, and is smiling serenely..." 233: DM: (after the barbarian has smashed down the door with his greataxe) *sighs* Barbarian: What? DM: *buries face in hands and shakes head* 234. "Are you SURE?"
Slightly_Unscrewed 08-03-06, 05:52 PM	235: "I hope you guys like the special wild magic list I wrote up..." :devil:
supernerd222 08-03-06, 08:44 PM	These are backgammon bidding cubes. Roll seven of them.
miles2912 08-03-06, 10:21 PM	237. Now you all remember how the "Toumb of Horrors" is my favorite module, this is my challenging version of it ... -Dm
Sean, THe Incompotent 08-04-06, 12:47 AM	start of session sets down chess set players:0_0 Dm: no worries it probably wont come up later on players: we go in the cave Dm: You hear something roar ...hand me the chess board
darkknightjm 08-09-06, 08:19 PM	:bump:
Myree 08-10-06, 03:18 AM	"Wait a minute, that was supposed to be easier for you...." "OK, can anyone besides the cleric heal or raise dead?" And BY FAR the worst I have ever heard -- "Sorry guys, but I just don't have time anymore...."
mtgfan101 08-10-06, 08:46 PM	I stole this from somebody. I can't remember, so if I stole it from you, sorry, it's just hilarious. 239: "You hear the sounds of a Marilith in the next room. It should be safe to rest for a while in this room." (Party casters rest and prepare spells that protect from slashing to guard against Marilith's swords) PCs: Okay, we open the door and enter the room. "You find a Marilith on the opposite side of the room wielding 6 maces." THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!
sauriel 08-10-06, 09:31 PM	109. You see a floating skull with gems in the eye and tooth sockets. i use this all the time when my pcs enter ancient temples on the astral plane. my recently capped character is a demilich diety that haunts random palaces on the astral plain and my pcs like exploring.
sauriel 08-10-06, 11:16 PM	DM:*looks at paper as players walk in room* HEY SO GLAD YOU MADE IT!* kool-aid smile* i have a new toy for you to play with DM: you see two doors west and north PC: west *rools listen check* 19 DM: you hear nothing on the other side PC: *rolls open lock* DM: you touch door and it disappears along with your party and you tumble through darkness EVERYONE: ^*%@ DM: you land standing in front of a large pile of sculls and you hear a rustle among them PC: spot check *rolls* 17 DM: you see the gleam of gems from deep within the pile PC: WHAT THE %$#^! DM: dude i told you this was sauriels old house when you scryed on it pay attention (read sig and this actually happened) DM: really...*rolls*...REALLY! DM: your enemy has disappeared from sight PCS: WE'RE IN ON A PLAIN OF GRASS!! DM: ...and? DM: ok the advanced infernal casts nessus ball ( special epic spell for infernals with demon parents) *rolls* dude your kids just died
speeblefreak 08-11-06, 01:17 PM	"An arrow appears out of nowhere and shoots you in the neck. You're dead."
Koretsu 08-11-06, 01:35 PM	*Once when playing a d20 (near)Future game, where we just brought in a new player, and were doing a bit of solo work to get his martial artist up to the rest of the party, currently traped in the sewers* DM: Roll a Spot Check Martial Artist: *roll* 20 DM: Okay. You don't see anything. Martial Artist: Okay. Listen check... 18 DM: Nothing. Martial Artist: Well, I continue forward. DM: Something comes up behind you from out of no where. Roll a grapple check. Martial Artist: This should be easy! DM and all other players present: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: ...What we already knew, and the new comer didn't, was that he had just stumbled upon Fopau, the stealth-camoflauged 6-armed lizard-man mutant that had singlehandedly captured us last game. You can imagine what his grapple score was like. :P
The_Black_Dragon 08-11-06, 02:23 PM	I think the numbering is: 265) Well, this books suggests that players shouldn't fight deities, but it's only a suggestion. 266) You wake up and realize that you are chained to the Dread Emperor's armor. An ogre blackguard with a +10 Unholy Flaming Burst Fullblade is charging the Dread Emperor.
darkknightjm 08-11-06, 11:41 PM	sweet, 101 posts... :cool: hey black dragon, whats a fullblade? it sounds like something my fighter might need :)
speeblefreak 08-12-06, 12:07 AM	Fullblade is to greatsword as bastard sword is to longsword.
Koretsu 08-12-06, 12:22 AM	DM: You die. You wake up on a tile floor in front of a desk. A very angry Boccob is on the other side. (See my sig to find out why The God of Magic was angry at me.)
aotrscommander 08-12-06, 11:11 AM	268: DM: (Suddenly) "Now you all die." PC1: "Hand on a mo, we're in the tavern a second ago having tea, and now we're dead just like that? Whats..." DM: "I wasn't talking about your characters..."
darkknightjm 08-12-06, 11:58 AM	cool, can you post the stats for the fullblade?
The_Black_Dragon 08-12-06, 12:25 PM	cool, can you post the stats for the fullblade? I suppose I could, but I'm not sure if it's technically copyrighted by Wizards. It's from the Arms and Equipment Guide.
darkknightjm 08-12-06, 12:39 PM	ok thanks, you can post it if you want, otherwise i'll just get it from the library.
Greg K 08-12-06, 01:01 PM	56) :The DM Smiles: (That's it... that's all you have to do... nothing else is needed baby!) Oh, yes. I happen to be notorious for this with my players. It is funny how a mere smile can result in players putting the fear in themselves by imagining things to be worse than they really are. Not only that, they start blurting out the possibilities for what they think I have planned, they give me ideas to steal for later.
Druid_of_the_storm 08-12-06, 10:03 PM	269.*rolls dice*..... :eek: Damn......ummmm what's your HP?
Roarin1 08-12-06, 11:39 PM	Ok. Looking into the cave, you see a lot of broken brown powder, and a size medium beetle with long furry antenae....
sauriel 08-13-06, 01:24 AM	i need to thank the thread starter and all those who have posted on this thread for the quotes. i am currently employing them in my sessions and it is more than priceless to see looks on faces as i smile for god knows what and they see me walk in with extra character sheets. so once again thank you all oh and here is another one: DM: ok you have made it into the dracolich's lair despite all the traps, creatures, and undead minions PC: so its done right! we checked the lich isn't there we scryed on him and stuff DM: ahh yes the scry spell... did you know of the spell false vision? PC:^%$* DM: indeed
SeptimusMagistos 08-13-06, 11:24 AM	272. Why, oh why didn't you stop the second time the giant spider ripped killed you?
Xanril 08-13-06, 12:04 PM	273. Well, in MY world, there is more than one tarrasque...
Sean, THe Incompotent 08-13-06, 12:23 PM	274) "my world my physics"
mtgfan101 08-13-06, 10:51 PM	275) DM Sets the Stage for New Campaign World... "In the land, there are many great dragons which roam freely, and most are at least fully grown. All dragons of this world are evilly aligned, though not afraid to kill anything." PCs Gasp DM: "Don't worry, dragons don't like the taste of humans. Or any other intelligent races, for that matter. PCs let out a sigh of relief. DM: "Which is why they hunt humanoids down purely for fun and sport." PCs Gasp :OMG! DM: "But they don't kill their prey. They let it wander around the darkness of the lair, searching for an exit until they die of starvation and/or dehydration."
babysamurai 08-14-06, 07:01 AM	276.) “Check out my awesome Critical Fumble Table!” …Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
zvbxrpl 08-14-06, 04:21 PM	277.) Yeah, i'm thinking of using a demon lord as the BBEG, but the ones in Hordes of the Abyss are just so underpowered...
gLytch 08-14-06, 05:08 PM	278.) And then you wake up.
aotrscommander 08-14-06, 06:18 PM	279: DM: You open the door and see Pun-Pun, Unicron, three Tarrasques, a Hectonchaire, six vampire lords and a demilich playing cards. They look unhappy at your interuption. A neutronium/uranium/unobtainium sword lies on the table. With Ted the Mindflayer in the background, giving the thumbs up.
darkknightjm 08-17-06, 03:37 PM	bump
zvbxrpl 08-20-06, 05:51 PM	280.) You enter the kender settlement.
Stardrake 08-20-06, 10:08 PM	281. "As the portal closes behind you, you notice you're on a beautiful tropical island. Off in the distance you hear something. It sounds like a high-pitched male voice. He seems to be saying....'SKIP-PEERRRRR!!"
BluPlague 08-21-06, 01:19 AM	282. what did you roll? Ok, you see a "normal" rabbit *cough cough* actual scene: 283. *to one PC* wait, you take it out?!!? why, did you remove... no it can't be placed back in.... *sighs* ok *to all PC's* the ground starts to split underneath you. take a reflex save. No, you have to use the horse's reflex, you are on the horse. after 283 took place: 284. *pulls out new char sheets* Alright, who want to play the barb this time?
Grod_The_Giant 08-27-06, 09:13 PM	285. Now, since you all said the BBEG for the last dungeon was too easy... 286. Um...you guys weren't too attatched to these characters, were you? 287. Anything involving *Mind Flayers *Dragons *Demons *Hordes of screaming five to nine year-olds. Who had WAY too much sugar. (take it from me. Hyper little kids are scarrier then a red dragon.)
Rickiel 08-27-06, 09:32 PM	288: This is the way we, TPK, TPK, TPK; this is the way we TPK, and humiliate you all!
Thwyvylyn 08-28-06, 11:39 AM	157 What's your Run modifier? One of my DMs asked me this question. I reminded him that I was a monk with +30 feet to my move speed, longstrider elite and the run feat. Nothing quite like moving 400 feet per round. (Well there's the eventuality of that build which is 600 feet per round when shifted but whatever)
Jezmund 08-28-06, 02:57 PM	289: "I'm winning!"
Rickiel 08-28-06, 03:10 PM	290: As you all sleep, the world tilts and you get tipped off to the side and fall forever. Roll for new characters! 291: I've always wanted to do this. 292: Now then, who hasn't been bribing me lately? 293: Don't worry, I'm not mad that you didn't give me pepperoni pizza. 294: About that mount of yours. 295: Who here hasn't seen a herd of rampaging Nightmares in full plate barding complete with 20th level Blackguards plowing through annoying 6th level heroes? 296: One of these days...ONE of these days... 297: This is a story, of a lovely lady, with three darling little girls. 298: The moment has come :evillaugh 299: Use this die to roll for your save (and the d20 has 1's all over it except for one side with a 20.) 300: Don't think of it as impossible, think of it as do or roll a new one. 301: 101 fiendish dalmations come for you!
Templar_Prime 08-28-06, 09:23 PM	302: "So the enemy teleported away after getting hit by the Frezied Berserker...how many rounds do you have left in Frenzy?" (actually happened, I was the GM and laughing)
Fozzytc 08-28-06, 09:45 PM	303: "Oh this is going to be fun" :evillaugh (Our dm has said this on a few occassions and each time you know your going to be in a world of hurt)
darkknightjm 09-04-06, 08:12 PM	304. "pay back time" :evillaugh
metamind 09-04-06, 08:44 PM	305: Okay, who shook up my can of sprite?!? 306: Its bribe day! 307: You know what I like to do with metagamers?
nicholcm 09-05-06, 07:23 AM	285. Now, since you all said the BBEG for the last dungeon was too easy... 286. Um...you guys weren't too attatched to these characters, were you? 287. Anything involving *Mind Flayers *Dragons *Demons *Hordes of screaming five to nine year-olds. Who had WAY too much sugar. (take it from me. Hyper little kids are scarrier then a red dragon.) I so agree with that. Thinking about it I'm going round up all the 5 year olds from the local town, by lots of sugar and go Dragon hunting :D Ian
Grod_The_Giant 09-11-06, 06:55 PM	308. (in a level one adventure) dm: oopsie! that's a CR 7 monster, not a CR 1!
speeblefreak 09-11-06, 09:08 PM	309. *winks* 310. No, you can't take that back! You character*snigger*really did that! 311. Sometimes I scare even myself. 312. Have you ever imagined Cthulhu as a muffin? 313. Tomb of Horrors is for sissies. 314. Player: *sigh* I'll start rolling up a new character. DM: I hope you kept your punch card; you're about due for a free one.
speedy55 09-11-06, 09:21 PM	315. You know how much I love NPC's with class levels, don't you? 316. (at the end of a dungeon as the BBEG) You see a Kender. 317. Player: I shoot Magic Missile at the darkness! DM: A Mindflayer comes out and attacks. Better make a saving thro-never mind, that won't make a difference. You're dead. 318. OMG, I rolled a 20! Oops!
Alcari Ambaron 09-12-06, 07:47 AM	319) Ok, your distracting works, all 12 526 orcs head towards you.
Ebrion 09-13-06, 10:34 PM	The Dm opens a Book of Vile Darkness and laughs.
Senko 09-14-06, 01:54 AM	These are from my game. 320) You think you saw a garden gnome. 321) DM: Roll to hit. Player: 20. DM: Roll again. Player: Another 20. DM: Roll again. Player: I have +11 and a current total of 51 for this attack do I need to. DM: Yes. 322) Okay your drunk, roll % dice for me please. 323) Okay when you slam into floor take 3d6 damage. You realize gravities reversed and your falling into the ceiling. 324) Okay the evil mage teleports you 600 feet straight up do you have a fly spell? 325) You see a squirrel kill the monkey that devestated your party as you slip into unconciousness. 326) DM: I know all about you destroying those villiages and killing everyone in them. Player: Wait we couldn't find the children. and one that caused utter terror amongst the party when it happened. 327) You see some young women pursuing what appears to be some kind of tentacle beast calling for it to come back.
2y1y1z2 09-14-06, 02:01 AM	you see this...*holds up page 133 of Complete Divine*
Grod_The_Giant 09-14-06, 03:52 PM	you see this...*holds up page 133 of Complete Divine* why, what was on that page? (can't remember)
swindy 09-14-06, 05:36 PM	322, Whoops :evillaugh
Rickiel 09-14-06, 05:46 PM	323: Let the fun begin :evil: 324: Has anyone brought pizza? No? Let the fun begin :evil: 325: Strange...I have not had any sacrifices in my name yet. 326: Have you ever thought about not doing that? 327: Abominations are over-rated. Here! Face them! *said to a lvl 15 party*
speeblefreak 09-14-06, 07:41 PM	328. You are surrounded by this (holds up page 35 of CW), this (closes the book and reopens it to the same page), several of these (again), and a (again) with (ELH 133) in one hand and (flips page) in the other. 329. And a gnome is running around sticking pins in their legs. 330. I'm gonna need Mathematica for this.
TheCheeseWiddler 09-14-06, 08:12 PM	331: DM: "You open the secret door, and walk into a room with a massively tall roof. You see a large, dragon like beast...it has twelve heads" PC: "Is it's skin a certain color?" DM: "Yes..." PC: "SCORE! I knew this fire immunity would come in handy!" Dm: "...Blue." That one actually happend last night. Haha, I'm a bad DM. -Ky
Senko 09-14-06, 08:26 PM	Here's a sequence of events from my last nights game that happened in a wild magic zone. I've condenced them into one conversation for ease of writing. 332)DM: You and the druid in rat form exchange heads. Player: Is the head proportional. DM: No the rat head doesn't change size to become proportional you now have a normal rats head. Player: Okay fine I try casting cure light wounds on the druid again (he was dieing at the time). DM: rolls......Ummm okay the magic surges out of control roll randomly to see what other spell of that level you have memorized occurs. Player: rolls..... uh oh inflict light wounds. Druid Dies. Druid: Does this mean my wild shape ends and I return to my normal form? DM: Yes... to rat headed player you see your head vanish as the rat turns back into your companion. Player: Crap okay tomorrow I'll cast raise dead on the druid. Next Day DM: Rolls....I don't believe this the magic surges out of control again the dead druid exchanges places with a living counterpart from another dimension. Player:........So my head's gone for ever? DM: Yes there is now absolutely no way for you to retrieve your head, get used to the rats one you now have.
moscatabaco76 09-15-06, 02:29 AM	333) No game next week :weep:
EberronMoses 09-15-06, 03:17 AM	334. Player(me) talking to a roper: "Fiendish ally of the Drow! Prepare to feel the wrath of a servant of The Vigilant One!!!!" I fire my crossbow. DM: r u sure u want to do that? Player: yeah, he's allied with the evil drow that have been terrorizing this village. DM: ok, ur cleric looks up and fires his crossbow at the roper at point blank range from five feet away. Player: WAT!!!! WHO WOULD GET THAT CLOSE TO A ROPER!! DM: Sorry, thats how i pictured it in my head *roper grapples, begins strangling* Character: *Chokes, dies* Fellow party members: kill roper, Loot body, leave corpse in cave. I hope my ghost haunts that Dwarf that didn't leave me the dignity of my MW full plate armor with the shining ability. (never gets dirty or rusty) 335. I think that the black orcs choppas cut thru armor so they have to make touch attacks only with their choppas (a "choppa" is basically a greatcleaver) 336. DM: Roll bluff, Player: I rolled a...18 +14 for my bluff(previously convinced an npc that i was a missionary of the Silver Flame but he locked me out in a Jehova's Witness sorta way. NPC caught party rogue picking lock to house, knocked him out and dragged him in, I snuck up behind the warforged psion in our party who was hiding nearby when this happened, told him to play along and tackled him from behind and began a grapple screaming "thief!" to convince the people inside I'd caught another thief for them. Even with a 32 on bluff (for a first level warlock with beguiling influence:D ) i didn't make it. I later asked him why and he said, "cuz warforged don't steal!!!!:eek: 337. No, I just don't feel like setting up a battle grid for today's massive battle.
babysamurai 09-15-06, 07:58 AM	338. "Hey, check out my awesome Critical Fumble table." ...Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!