| Post/Author/DateTime | Post |
|---|---|
| The_Puppetmaster02-05-07, 09:00 PM | Walking down the alley of (insert city here)'s streets, weary from your last battle, you stumble across the local tavern. Seeing an opportunity to rest, or maybe have a drink and a chat, you push the door open and enter the building... ... ...And what? Absolutely nothing is going on? Everyone is looking at you, silently? The bar is empty and the lights are turned off? No! It's a bar, and it's lively, and full of music, and people are bloody talking! :D So, what are they saying? This is a list of 1001 things you'd hear the npcs at a lively bar talking about. Use it to give a short boost of rp when you need it. 1. So there I was... 50 orcs to the left... 50 orcs to the right, and the only weapon at hand... an ogre's funny bone! |
| Wyzdum02-05-07, 09:35 PM | 2. Two Orc Barbarians were overheard asking the barkeep... "Do you serve Halflings here?" "Sure", answers the barkeep. "Well then, we'll take two Ales and one Halfling - well done":evillaugh |
| Stardrake02-05-07, 11:09 PM | 3) "Look, I can understand the Dwarf, but what were you doing with the stepladder?" |
| Yadot02-05-07, 11:26 PM | 4) Dwarf Barbarian: "Darn't! My Fort save's to high to get drunk." |
| Scorpion1302-06-07, 04:33 AM | 5. "....So I say " 'Flayer? I hardly knew her!" ! 6."....Look, I dont care what you all say, Gelatinous Cubes is good eating!!" 5. "...that Hill Giant loved me in ways that no woman has before or since..." |
| CharlieRock02-06-07, 10:17 AM | "I knew he had feats because he was painted!" "I could tell this guy was acting like he was a bunch of levels higher then he really was". "I'm telling you it was colossal! Not gargantuan." |
| revaar02-06-07, 10:28 AM | "... and that's when i said 'Quit monkeying around and get this Gorrillon off my back!" "Stop me if you've heard this one, a Cleric, a Druid, and a Cultist of Tiamat walk into a bar.." "... and that's why I'll never trust a satyr with babysitting again." "Remember that one time you got wasted and woke up with a Harpy?" |
| vader_rocks02-06-07, 10:29 AM | "I'm telling you, it was a unicorn!" "Are you sure?" "Man, it had an 18-inch horn coming out of its forehead. It was either a unicorn or a horse with a grisly head wound. I was being optimistic." |
| Sajek02-06-07, 12:43 PM | "...and so I say to him 'Oh, you meant THAT kind of lay on hands." "...and by the time the gnome got the manacles off me, the couch was on fire." "I only had three options: attack, run, or item." |
| CharlieRock02-06-07, 01:06 PM | "The whole group conned red to me." |
| Grod_The_Giant02-07-07, 03:58 PM | 18 (I think). a heavily-bandaged guy talking to a rogue: "check for traps, I said. 'I did,' you said. Check again, I said. 'there are no traps,' you said..." |
| Cyanide30002-07-07, 06:46 PM | "...So maybe I don't like halflings. Sorry I'm not PC enough for you." "If I asked you to buy me an Ale, would your answer be the same as your answer to this question?" "...so I said to him. Listen BUB! I'm not going to collect another damn wolf pelt for you until I get paid!" "WTB +1 longsword!!!1" "...then I stabbed him in the face with my greatsword, which supprisingly, didn't kill him, but instead did exactly twice as much damage as usual." "...but just as the lightning bolt was about to hit, the guy seemed to come apart on a molecular level and each molecule did a cartwheeling backflip with a half-gator to avoid the lightning. And I was like what the hell was that, and he was like 'I'm a monk'." |
| Raymond_Luxury_Yacht02-07-07, 06:58 PM | Number them people. 29. "If it wasn't for that horse, I never would have spent that year in college." |
| Melpomene02-07-07, 07:10 PM | Number them people. 29. "If it wasn't for that horse, I never would have spent that year in college." ::massive blood vessle burst:: 30. So, did you hear that evil gnome diviner escaped prison? 31. Oota Gota Solo? Make chisae. So italay. |
| SKAMBANKT02-07-07, 07:49 PM | 32. -So I headbutt this Prismatic Wall to shake of the spell, right? 33. -And then the stupid half-Ork put the portable hole into the bag of holding!!! I´m STILL picking pieces of him out of my beard. |
| antsterr02-07-07, 07:56 PM | 32. "Then he tries to turn his back of holding inside out!" 33. "I yeah, back in my day we had to count backwards to figure out our armor class and you didn't here me complain!" 34. "So then the Paladin get's all upset and I'm like "hey man! so what If I sneeze in your soup!" |
| ZombieDragon02-07-07, 08:01 PM | 35 '...soos I walked uptah dis black dragon and asked "why youse breath smell so bad" and it showed me, long story short and the clerics tellin me my hair might grow back in time for the harvest festival. ' |
| thaX02-07-07, 09:03 PM | 36. "So where are the sluts?" "Sluts, sire. I am sure that you have visited many a bar, but this one does not have... sluts." "ah, and here I am with 25 gold with nothing to do...." "Perhaps I spoke out of turn. We may have a respectible girl you can negociate with for affection..." 37. "ahhh... (random Name), I will never go to that place again! I almost got killed. Treasure and fame? Ha!" "I am going with or without you. (adventer's dungeon), that is where my sword was taken to, and I Am Getting It Back!!" 38. "Barkeep!! Bring me another beer!" "Sir, you have had..." *Wack* "Right away sir." 39. "So I am so tired of those adventurer thugs always hitting on me... the next one I encounter I swear to (god current to world) he will get a piece of my mind." 40. "Can you stop it with the stories... what are you, a bard?" "What, no.. no, Ofcourse not. You don't think that low of me, do you?" 41. "Well I suppose you can try it. Now you can guarantee no one will get hurt, right?" "Well, not guarantee per say... " |
| Cryforge02-07-07, 10:15 PM | 42. "So I sez to her Mabel, Mabel I sez..." 43. "Yeah, I slept with some drow priestess and now it burns when I pee." "Dude! I keep telling you, that was a living fireball spell!" "You sure? How on EARTH did I get those two mixed up?" 44. "Oh, loneliness and ale are a dangerous mix!" 45. "So these two orcs walk into a bar. And they say ouch!" *sounds of people leaving* |
| frasmage02-07-07, 10:41 PM | 46. So have you heard about the new "burning crusade" stuff... (http://ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20061023) 47. (2 wizards going through each other's spellbooks) "Oh my god, how did you get that one? I want it. I bought like a hundred booster packs and no luck! Wanna trade?" 48. " so I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back, to see if she was looking back, to see if I was looking back..." 49. "so, I went to bed with her... and... well, apparently paladins really do have a stick up their ***" |
| Raymond_Luxury_Yacht02-08-07, 12:07 AM | 50. "Am I getting drunk yet?" |
| ZombieDragon02-08-07, 12:11 AM | 51 " hehehe I shot magic missle at the darkness".....*thud* |
| Red1202-08-07, 02:56 AM | 52: "So the elf-priestess comes up to me and says: 'Is that a spryte in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?'" |
| anki02-08-07, 03:12 AM | 53.Wheres me beer?Ah,theres me beer...Beer,GET IN ME BELLY! 54.So then i was like...Then she was like...Then he was like...Then she said like...So i said like...Then they were like...And it was like:"Whooaaa"... |
| Always-Late02-08-07, 03:27 AM | 55. "And then he lit the beer on fire." 56. "Impossible. Nobody could do *what the PCs just did* |
| revaar02-08-07, 09:27 AM | this is a fun topic! 57. "so i hear this moaning, and i grab my shovel, i case it's a zombie or summin, but when i got out side, it was just old jedidiah, drunk as hell. I whacked 'im anyway fer wakin me up." 58. "i tell ya bud, I can't even look at an elf with gettin angry anymore.." 59. "alright, i heard this one from a gnome, so you know it's gotta be good. A paladin, a wizard, and a druid find this magic bottle..." |
| Sajek02-08-07, 11:56 AM | 60. ...and so I say to him "No one can stop us. We're on a mission from God." 61. No, martini, I haven't had any guards tonight. |
| frasmage02-08-07, 05:42 PM | 62. "Have you heard of this recently discovered artifact? The head of vecna or something like that..." 63. "that vampire rogue we had in our party was such a bloodsucking backstabber" |
| Grod_The_Giant02-09-07, 02:56 PM | 60. ...and so I say to him "No one can stop us. We're on a mission from God." the Blues Brothers :D! Do I get a cookie for spotting the reference? |
| thaX02-09-07, 03:26 PM | the Blues Brothers :D! Do I get a cookie for spotting the reference? uhmm... I'm sorry, where is your one liner? 63. "So I shays to hifm... Lishen bub! Yoush ain' uhh ohnly one with a swshord... an that ish the lasht thing I remembersh (Hic)" |
| IrishRover02-09-07, 03:27 PM | 30. So, did you hear that evil gnome diviner escaped prison? 64. Reply to 30. "Yea, yea, Small medium at large..." |
| Myree02-11-07, 01:50 AM | 65. (I think) ... all I know is that there was somethin' funny about old man. I mean, come on, he shows up outta no where and hands you a magic sword, and poof, he's gone again? It just ain't right... 66. I'm tellin' you, dude, I was possessed or somethin'! I never would have tried tak'n that stuff from you guys... 67. I'm tellin' you, we chug these neutralize poison potions and we can drink 'em under the table! 68. I don't care WHAT these boots are supposed to DO. I'm just glad I finally got a pair that FITS! 69. Who was the dunce who put continuous light on this copper piece? Don't they know you could blind someone that way? 70. (said in a very nasty and demonic voice) You belong to ME now and will do whatever I say, starting with those adventurers that just walked in. 71. Uh, exCUSE me! Sweetie! Yes, a little elven wine puh-LEA-sa! 72. Man, who ever heard of a sissy dwarf drinkin' elven wine? |
| grok_grok02-11-07, 02:13 AM | 73 - "... Why are we speaking Common in a town of Dwarf" 74 - "... so it turns out dat der ol Smitty be a drunken master,... we should really get er down to dat A&A Pastor Andersons talks about then jimboy" 75 - "... and thats why damn goblins keep stealing my turnips" 76 - "... Im thinking that should invest a few ranks in profession, you know get a better job." |
| IrishRover02-11-07, 11:09 PM | 77. <whispered> "If you see that guy running, try to keep up--he disarms magical traps..." |
| roninwolf10902-12-07, 12:32 AM | 78.<slurred drunkenly> "You! I remember your head! Ever since that day! I see it even in my dreams!" |
| Despana02-12-07, 04:26 PM | 79> "We really need to get some new adventurers in town. The rats in my basement are getting big!" 80> "Why is Joe sitting over there in the dark corner with a hooded cloak on?" *notices PCs enter* "Oh." |
| Makuya02-13-07, 02:28 PM | 81. "This drunken wizard opened this gate, and some yellow rat-thing came out and zapped everyone! It took five city guards to stop it!!!" |
| Manic Man02-13-07, 08:35 PM | 82) Its nobody, just some "adventurers". Me i think they probably never did an honest day's work. Adventurers hruumph! 83) Look out that old Justeye doesn't shortchange you. His scales are weighted! 84) Don'ts lets anysones tells yous otherswise Them guards captains as boughts as me shoes. *Spit* 85) Weathers bad, water's bad, even my flour's got weevils in them. Just three days ground i tell you. The gods just aren't listening no more 86) Remember that cleric with the face like a roated pig? Well i'm going to make sure he understands my Olin isn't for touching and feeling. 87) Hey you owed me 15 coppers since the last time. When are you going to pay up? 88) Nah, i don't think its a good idea to start enlisting in the army. I heard the instructors are real demons if you get my meaning 89) Some idiots just killed a dragon and been throwing gold like it was water. Now i can't even get an egg for 5 coppers. Young punks. 90) Well my young lady, i'm not interested in getting my picture painted, but you could provide other services i would want 91) Get lost, i'm not giving you a single copper piece 92) Some high and mighty noble's coming to town soon. Seems he's booked the entire inn. Hope he chokes on his carrots 93) No, hes no vampire. He's just not gotten out of his house these few days. Me thinks he might have some sickness. So you better stay clear of his place too! 94) I tell you my wife thinks i'm too thin, so i'm not a real man. She says Borak the butcher's a real man. Bah all he does is drink and curse, real man my foot! 95) Now where's that wench with my dinner! Hey! 96) yeah i killed that wolf myself. Almost got my throat too! I'm going to sell the pelt to Tanin the tanner, but if you're interested, i could sell you the thing for cheap! 97) Barmaid, more mead! Do it! Now! 98)My daughter's got it in her head to go to the city to join some wizard academy. She'll be the death of me i tell you! 99) I heard the mayor's been getting visits from some pretty ladies. With his face, its got to be for gold. 100) By the gods, do you have no shame? Getting that girl to lick *catches himself, looks around and leans forward to whisper* 101) 'Ware, slavers out on the roads of late. Mine son saw them red cloaked fellas on the road. Me? I'm carrying a big stick so they get the idea of getting me in chains out of their head. |
| Melpomene02-13-07, 08:52 PM | @43, OMGLMFAO, M 102.) In case you're wondering, something like that. 103.) At ten minutes per level, that means I still have... 104.) Do you think commoners will make more gold per week in 4.0? 105.) Wouldn't worry about it, 3.51 will be here first. 106.) Ah, fer the love a' Pelor. 107.) Diiiiiiiiire Bears. (P.S. Poor Bears, we still love you) 108.) I think you should just dump him, dear. I mean Vecna knows how many others there have been. 109.) I'll have a Samwise. 110.) Always a good choice. |
| Raymond_Luxury_Yacht02-13-07, 08:53 PM | 103. "...and the dog says, 'I'm looking for the man who shot mah paw!'" Count was off. |
| speeblefreak02-13-07, 08:58 PM | 102. "So I sez to the big red monkey, "Buddy, you got no business burnin' up my crops, so get outta here!" Next thing I know I'm strapped to a glowing table and my legs are gone." 103. (whispered) "This time tomorrow, I'll kill them all!" 104. "Yeah, you heard me right. Six tables and his head is still on!" 105. "Kerywn, you dolt! How many times do I have to tell you not to rough up the cloaked old man at the bar!" *sigh* "Two more times, you always say that." *listens some more* "Whatever. This time, you can sew your own limbs back on." 106. "I heard about the new guy in town. More skulls on his armor than warts on yer wife, and they say his sword is on fire. 'Long as he don't give me any trouble...." 107. "Background noise background noise background noise..." 108. "Hey, bartender! I'll give you a platinum if you can tell me where in the nine Hells I am now." 109. (follow-up to 108) "Thanks. :censored: planar rifts." 110. "Here'sh wha'. I'll bet ya three coppersh I can jump clear 'crosh 'ish room. Shtand back." EDIT: Ninja'd x2! EDIT 2: 113? "Edward, is it the ale talking or are you inside out?" |
| Melpomene02-13-07, 09:14 PM | You need more ninja edits. Next post is #123. |
| thaX02-13-07, 09:38 PM | 123. "I'm sorry, where were we?" "Bill. (slight pause) Where is he?" 124. "Hello, my name is Bob. You killed my father. Give me the same as he had!!" 125. "Ok, so we have that box that won't open." " Maybe if we sell our souls?" Third person speaks "naw, already tried that." 126. "Can we please close the bar and call it a night. I don't think any sort of hero is gonna come here to take care of our problems." "Yeah, yeah, Joe, perhaps. Let me go lock the door..." Looks at party of adventurers "Hey Joe, think you can maybe put those chairs back down..." |
| Regular_K02-13-07, 10:37 PM | 127. So then Thomas Edison poof infront of her and said, "Idiot, I haven't been born yet!". Where he came from, I don't know, but it was cool! |
| Raymond_Luxury_Yacht02-14-07, 04:26 AM | Next one is 127, by my count. I blame myself even though it's clearly someone else's fault. |
| Montravont02-14-07, 12:52 PM | 127. "It's for you. MY *****!" "Hey, you did it first." "Let's weigh this shall we. Beholder behind a door or guards behind a door. Which would you say is worse?" 128. "So he put a bucket on its head?" "No ordinary bucket my friend. A bucket with fish hooks." 129. "Damndest thing I ever saw. Dangerous things those rogues. Give 'em a bag of rocks and there's no limit to what they can do." |
| thaX02-14-07, 02:17 PM | 103. "...and the dog says, 'I'm looking for the man who shot mah paw!'" Count was off. oh, we doing those now... 130. Ham and Cheese sandwich walks into the bar, goes to the bartender and says, "I'd Like a beer." Bartender looks at him and shakes his head. "Sorry, but we don't serve food here." 131. A Bear walks into a bar, slams his paw onto the bar, and explaims. "I would like ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... A Beer!" The bartender looks at him and asks "Why the big paws?" 132. A Skellaton walks into a bar and says, "I would like a beer and a mop." |
| howlingwolf02-14-07, 06:34 PM | 133. 'Well, that staff of fireballs did -look- like a nice firewood selection.. How was I to know it would go off when burnt?' 134. '...And I couldn't BELIEVE it. Just a hooded cloak, ominous red eyes, and a gleaming sword with some fog.. All it took was one simple illusion and the whole group soiled themselves and ran..' 135. '...Buy from this merch on the street. He's there yelling, 'I'VE GOT A ONE-OFF ARTIFACT RING!' until some brat bumps against his cart and a dozen boxes of 'em spill off the back..' 136. '..And he says, 'You can't hope to beat my blade adventurer' So I says, 'Suits me right fine..' and shot him in the face with my crossbow from across the room.. |
| frasmage02-14-07, 06:38 PM | oh, we doing those now... 130. Ham and Cheese sandwich walks into the bar, goes to the bartender and says, "I'd Like a beer." Bartender looks at him and shakes his head. "Sorry, but we don't serve food here." 131. A Bear walks into a bar, slams his paw onto the bar, and explaims. "I would like ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... A Beer!" The bartender looks at him and asks "Why the big paws?" 132. A Skellaton walks into a bar and says, "I would like a beer and a mop." If we are stooping to that level of joke: 137. A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Sorry, but we don't serve... well... pieces of string at this bar," replied the bartender. The string sat down depressed. He got up and asked again, but only got the same response. He then got an idea. He brushed up his hair and twisted himself about. He walked up to the bar and asked for a beer. The bartender replied: "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?" The String then propmtly replied: "Nope, I'm a frayed knot" Edit: NINJA'd |
| Thrivol02-14-07, 07:43 PM | 138. *Crying* "And then she stole my heart!" 139. "No, I mean my real heart! The one that used to be in my chest!" |
| speeblefreak02-14-07, 08:18 PM | 140. "That was the first time I'd ever seen a man pull his own head off." 141. "That was the first time I'd ever seen a man's head pull itself off." 142. "Hastur Hastur Has--" *gurgle* 143. "So then the binder said to me, "With fiends like these, who needs anima?"" |
| Raymond_Luxury_Yacht02-14-07, 08:39 PM | oh, we doing those now... 130. Ham and Cheese sandwich walks into the bar, goes to the bartender and says, "I'd Like a beer." Bartender looks at him and shakes his head. "Sorry, but we don't serve food here." 131. A Bear walks into a bar, slams his paw onto the bar, and explaims. "I would like ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... A Beer!" The bartender looks at him and asks "Why the big paws?" 132. A Skellaton walks into a bar and says, "I would like a beer and a mop." If you look at how it was phrased, you'd note that someone was telling a joke, not that the joke was occuring. |
| thaX02-16-07, 10:08 PM | If you look at how it was phrased, you'd note that someone was telling a joke, not that the joke was occuring. ok? They are jokes that are in a bar, right. It is conceivable that the quotes could be heard by a person just coming into the bar? So is the point a good or bad thing as far as the entries are concerned? |
| Melpomene02-19-07, 09:14 PM | 144. Two on the dwarf. 145. Two words: Enlarge Self. 146. Do you realize if I had taken four ranks of Proffesion: Pig Farmer I'd be making as much money as I am right now with four ranks in Proffession: Barrister? 147. Do you think you can use Mage Mouth to make Karioke? 148. Hey, this is a fantasy setting. No Asian elements allowed. 149. As a monk, I resent that. 150. Snerk, "Mage Mouth." |
| Myree02-20-07, 02:09 AM | 151. "...and she says '2 Silver, same as down town!" 152. "Blasted wizards! Who came up with the dumb idea to make a Pigasus! I'll never get this $#!^ out of my hair!" 153. "...<gasp> ... the treasure.. is ... <gasp> <gurgle>" 154. "Well back in my day we called 'em Piercers" 155. "Funniest group 'o halflings I ever saw. Called themselves 'kinder' or some such thing." 156. "...ships that sailed the desert like it was an ocean, I tell ya" 157. "And they was trying to pass off these funny old coins like they were valuable or somethin'". 158. "So I tell'd 'em, "sure, you may have BOUGHT it for 1,000, but I ain't payin' ya a silver over 500. Take it or skiddatle". 159. "... I said it right to his face! I swear to Pelor I did!" |
| IrishRover02-20-07, 01:42 PM | 160. (Said as a tall, drop dead gorgeous blonde walks in) "Hey Kid--don't even look at her--black boots up to her thighs and a bare midrif means trouble-she'd feed you a knuckle sandwich soon as look at you..." |
| Grandpa Gamer02-20-07, 09:10 PM | 161. "... Honestly, Officer, it was 'Self-Defence'! He was POSSESSED! His eyes were glowing, and everything!" |
| Melpomene02-20-07, 09:17 PM | 162. *Long*sword. 163. Bastard Sword! 164. Fullblade, y'all. 165. Daggar. And I can throw it across the room. |