Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Ectoplasmoid 08-01-05, 02:56 AM	1) Yo' Momma's so dumb, she's immune to mind-affecting effects! 2) Yo' Momma's so fat, she's got damage reduction! 3) Yo' Momma's so ugly, bodaks die from looking at her! 4) Yo' Momma's so fat she takes up two squares!
OctoberRaven 08-01-05, 04:22 AM	5) Clerics don't breakdance, it's against their religion!
ImmortalBlueMage 08-01-05, 04:28 AM	6. An Orc walks into a bar. A Gnome passes safely beneath it.
icedrake2002sr 08-01-05, 04:43 AM	7) You can pick your brain, and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's brain...Unless you're a mind-flayer
Saihtam 08-01-05, 04:52 AM	I gathered these around the internet : 8) A female zombie walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a minute, a really drunk bar patron comes over to her, leers, and says, "Dang, you're ugly, but I'll still sleep wi' ye!" The zombie shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I'm immune to critical hits." **************************************** ****** 9) Q: Where are you when Vrock pushes you against a wall?? A: A Vrock and a hard place 10)How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle? A. Only one, but it only "appears" to be lit 11)How many Halflings does it take to light a candle? A. You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle? 12)How many Elves does it take to light a candle? A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material. 13) How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle? A. Three, one to count the money, one to light the candle and one to check for sliding stone panels. 14) How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle? A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all. 15) How many trolls does it take to light a candle? A. only one, but he's very, very careful 16) What did the Judge say to the Halfling Rogue? "Will the defendant please rise..." 17) Two dwarves, Cearmac and Vezzin, are travelling across the Great Sea in a rather large ship. Although initially apprehensive at first, they settle down as the first two weeks of the voyage are pretty uneventful. Then the third week comes, and, bang, pirate attack. Somehow the dwarves manage to get into one of the life boats. So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of the ship's holds next to their little boat. They manage to pull it aboard, and using a dagger, crack it open. Inside is a small lamp. On a lark, Ceamac pulls it out and rubs it. Poof. A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he will now grant him one wish. Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine dwarvish ale." The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted. Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm. After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any. "Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?" "Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat." 18) Carmon was on his deathbed, the old Dragonlance warrior was slipping away and about to shed his mortal coil. Beside him, his wife Tika was there. "Tika?" Caramon beckond. "Yes dear?" she replied. "You have been with me through all the decades. We were atacked by draconians together. You supported me when my brother tried to ascend into evil godhood. You stood by my side when our son passed away. And I've just realized something." "What is that my beloved?" "I think you are bad luck." 19) What's the best way to unload a cart full of dead elves? With a pitchfork! 20) How do you tell if any of them are still alive? (mime sticking a pitchfork and tossing something over your shoulder) Dead elf. (repeat) Dead elf. (repeat, but this time shake the pitchfork) Live elf! 21) A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are. A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're stupid." The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc. The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-ass sitting in your lap." 22) A human, an orc, a dwarf and an elf were on a mission for the king to defeat an evil dragon. Upon reaching the cave, the Human drew his sword and charged headlong in screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole. The Orc brandished his axe and charged headlong in yelling, "For my bretheren!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole. The Dwarf then pulls a jar full of Black Lotus extract from his backpack, jams it in the elf's belt and pushes him into the cave screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!!!" 23) An ugly man walks into the cleric's office and says: "Father I hurt all over." And the doctor says, "That's impossible . "No really!" he said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts", he replies. The cleric just shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?" The man smiles and says "Yeah. But how do you know?" The cleric replies, "Because, your finger is broken." 24) Q: Why do liches and vampires tend to speak in riddles? A: They're CRYPTic. 25) A barbarian walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of ale. After he's finished those, he orders 9. Some time later he order 8. Later 7 more, then 6, then 5, then 4. By the time he has just ordered 3 pints, one of the other patrons steps up to him and asks: "why do you order your drinks like this?" The barbarians answers: "Haven't you noticed: the less I drink, the more drunk I get!" 26) Q : What did the Orc say when he lost his Axe? A : Where's my Axe? 27) Q : Whats Black, White and Red and has trouble turning in 5' corridors? A : Drizzt with a spear through his head... 28) Q : Whats got 2 legs and bleeds? A : Half an Orc 29) Q: Where do you find an Orc with no arms or legs? A: Right where you left him. 30) A half-orc is in a Merchants Store and buying a some bottles of beer, some iron rations for one, some fasionable underwear, and some Mold Spice (The scent of the moment). The woman at the counter says to him, "So you're single?" The half-orc startled, replies "I am. You could tell that because of what I was buying?" She responds, "No, I could tell that because you're damn ugly." 31) A: What's the difference between stomping on a gnome and stomping on grapes? B: You take off your boots before you stomp on the grapes. 32) What's the difference between a dead badger who's been run over by a wagon and a dead druid who's been run over by a wagon? B: A skilled ranger might spot skid marks in front of the badger. 33) Two Orcs were eating a Court Jester. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?" 34) A handsome Sorcerer walks into a small town bar with his familiar, an aligator. He flops the aligator onto the bar and declares that he has a challenge for the towns bravest souls! The rogues and fighers begin to twich nervously in thier chairs. He says: If anyone in this bar has the fortiture to do this, I will give him my bag of holding with all the treasure contained therein. With that he smacks the aligator on the head with the butt of his shortspear sharply and the aligators mouth opens wide. To the suprise of the audience, he then drops his adventuring trousers, and places his delicates INSIDE the aligators mouth! He cracks the aligators head with the spear again and the jaws close slowly...and after a very pregnant pause, he gives his poor familiar another whack with the shortspear and takes his equipment out of the aligators mouth, pausing momentarily to display his unharmed package! He stares around the room imperiously, looking for takers. Yet down to the burliest barbarian, the barroom falls silent. "What?! No one here brave enough?" inquires the the cajoling sorcerer... Just then, a slight elven maiden in the back of the bar tentatively rises. "I might be willing to try, Master...but could you not hit me on the head so hard with the shortspear?" 35) A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: "Do you serve skeletons here?" Times beign what they are the wily Bartender replies: "sure, we serve anyone." The skeleton hadns the man a silver and says: "Fine, I'll have a pitcher of beer...and a mop" 36) How do you get a one-armed Half-Orc out of a tree? Wave to him. 37)A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?" The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?" They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat. They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?" The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?" So they bring him his dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat. They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?" The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?" Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!" 38) The first mate on a ship runs to the captain, shouting, "Captain, Captain! There's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!" The captain calmly looks at the mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings him a red shirt and they fight their way to victory. About a week later, the first mate again comes running to the captain. "Captain! There are two pirate ships off the port bow, approaching fast!" Again, the captain simply replies, "Bring me my red shirt," and again they fight their way to victory. That evening, the crew is celebrating, the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we are being attacked by pirates?" The captain says, "It is for the crew's morale. If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will show no blood, and the crew will be assured that I am standing strong to lead the way to victory." The first mate nods in understanding and walks away. A couple of weeks later, the first mate again comes running up to the captain, out of breath and very frightened. "Captain! There are ten pirate ships approaching, and they are almost upon us, sir!" The captain looks calmly at the first mate and shouts, "Bring me my brown pants!"
katarl 08-01-05, 08:20 AM	A paladin walks up to the gates of heaven, and knocks. Nothing happens, so he knocks again, and still nothing happens, so he knocks a third time, and an angel pops her head out. "i'm sorry sir, but only great heroes are allowed in heaven, you must have done something amazing to get in" The paladin got angry "But i am a great and powerful warrior, why i singlehandedly fought five hundred legions of undead, and twelve thousand demons!" "Oh? when was that?" The angel mused The paladin meekly looked at his shoes "... Five minutes ago" If anyone has a worse, older, or stupider joke than that, i'd like to hear it. :D
ImmortalBlueMage 08-01-05, 08:21 AM	Good stuff, although 90% of those are just contemporary jokes with D&D races inserted in at the right spots. Important note: For the love of the CoC, no one tell any jokes with "The aristocrats!" as the punchline!
GUR-I 08-01-05, 08:59 AM	Ok, some quickie one liners, which you've probably heard Rogues do it from behind. Clerics do it for their god. Bards do it for an audience Druids do it in the wild Wizards do it magically
buggritall 08-02-05, 08:09 AM	I heard this one somewhere else on the boards: A man walked into town to see a gnome jumping on a manhole cover. The gnome was yelling "Fifteen! FIFTEEN!" The man asked the gnome what he was doing. The gnome told him that it was ever so much fun, and invited the man to have a go. The man obliged, and yelled "Fifteen, fifteen!" "Louder, higher!" said the gnome. Then, as the man was at the peak of his jump, the gnome pulled the manhole cover out from under him, causing him to fall into the sewer. The gnome put the cover back on, and started yelling "SIXTEEN! SIXTEEN!"