Post/Author/DateTime	Post
secher_nbiw45 05-23-07, 02:56 PM	...walk into a bar. Do you have any D&D jokes, something your character would tell or say to another PC? How was copper wire invented? Two dwarves fighting over a copper piece. or yo momma so smelly, she makes troglodytes sick!
Paper_Bard 05-23-07, 10:59 PM	What do you get when you cut a halfling in two? -A Quarterling!
j0lt 05-24-07, 06:19 AM	DM: "How many feats does your character have?" Player: "I have two feet! Hahahahaha..." *SMACK*
Holy_Beholder 05-24-07, 08:37 PM	That sounds very familiar. As for copper wire, that's probably viable. Also, OOTS has a lot of good ones. Great Cleaveage. Sucks to be Roy.
Forgotten_Warrior 05-25-07, 11:23 PM	How many Elves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because electricity hasn't been invented yet! Man that's corny.
Holy_Beholder 05-26-07, 01:33 AM	Man that's corny. No kidding.
Master_Vega 05-26-07, 02:22 AM	Two dwarves walk out of a bar... :rimshot:
trappedslider 05-26-07, 05:22 PM	Why do elves have pointy ears? Because theres got to be a point to elves too.:P
Paper_Bard 05-26-07, 09:20 PM	Q: How do you keep a Gnome busy? A: See back of orc. Q: What do Beholders hate more than adventurers? A: Eye exams.
korcheck 05-29-07, 12:06 PM	These are all related to the world of ebberon and are repostes of the ones I put on one f the boards there. A house Lyrander (sp?) captain walks into a bar with a parrots' head sticking out of his pants. The halfing behind the bar says, "What's that parrot doing in your pants?" So the captain responds, "YAARR, He's drivin' me nuts!" A goblin walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The halfling behind the bar says, "well where'd you get that?" and the Parrot responds, "well it started out as a boil on my butt." During camouflage training in the Eldeen Reaches, an Aundairan soldier disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the Aundaran answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!" Three men were on an air ship traveling from Karrnath to Breland, a dwarf, an elven Aundairan, and a human Brelander. The elf takes a long swig from a bottle of wine and then tosses it over board. The other to look shocked until he explains, “In Aundair we make the finest wines known to the world, and we have plenty more where that came from.” The dwarf not to be out done gulps a bit of his stout and follows suit by throwing the rest overboard. He looks at the other two and says “The holds makes the best beer in the world and we too have plenty where that came from.” After looking around for a few moments the Brelander grabs a passing goblin passenger and throws him over board. When the elf and dwarf stare at him aghast he says, “We have too many of those where I come from.”
korcheck 05-29-07, 12:07 PM	If a man and a woman from the eldeen reaches get a divorce are they still brother and sister? An adventurer rides into town and stops at a golden dragon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped a wand into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and shot a magic missile into the ceiling. "Which one of you stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do the same thing I dun in Breland! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Breland!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The halfling waiter wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say stranger, before you go... what happened in Breland?" The adventurer turned back and said, "I had to walk home." An evil adventurer in the deepest xendrick jungles suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of drow. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh flame, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of silvery light from the heavens and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the leader standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the drow. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 drow with a look of shock on their faces, the flames voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
korcheck 05-29-07, 12:08 PM	A dwarf, a human and a goblin were captured by the drow on a prospecting trip in Xendrick. They were tied up against their respective poles for a day when the leader walked up to the human, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, good skin, nice and thick. You’ll make a good canoe. Do you have a last request?" "That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that", says the human. He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a tent for his final night. The human drinks two bottles of gin. In the morning the drow dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. The next day the leader walks up to the dwarf, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, very good skin, very, very thick. You’ll make a very good canoe. Do you have a last request? "Ah'll huv ma whiskey back", says the dwarf. He's provided with his whisky and taken off to a tent for his final night. The dwarf drinks three bottles of whiskey. He's already dead when the drow come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the drow leader walks up to the goblin, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, very, very good skin, very, very, very, very thick. You’ll make a very, very, very good canoe. Do you have a last request? "I'd like a fork.", says the goblin. The leader gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The goblin takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, "Yer not makin' any bloody canoe outta me!"
korcheck 05-29-07, 12:08 PM	Three adventurers are traveling in Xendrick, a dwarven artificer, a Thranish paladin, and a goblin rogue when they are captured by drow. The head of the tribe says to the artificer, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The dwarf responds, "I will take oil!" They put oil on his back, and a drow whips him ten times. When he is finished, the dwarf has huge welts on his back, and can hardly move. The drow haul the dwarf away, and say to the paladin, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Thranish paladin, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "And what will you take on your back?" the drow ask the goblin. He responds, "I'll take the paladin." how do you get a one armed bugbear out of a tree? answer: wave to it.
korcheck 05-29-07, 12:09 PM	CHILI JUDGING CONTEST This is a little known fact but the dwarves of the Mror Holds hold a chili cooking contest each year The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Moras, who was visiting from House Ghallanda. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili 1 - Monster Chili Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 -- (Moras) Holy flame, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from a stone wall. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These dwarves are crazy. Chili 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili 3 - Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge 3 -- Call the gnomes. I've located an escaped fire elemetal. My nose feels like I have been snorting lava. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting faced from all of the beer. Chili 4 - Black Magic Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Jakela, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. women is starting to look HOT...just like this acid bath I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili 5 - Legal Lip Remover Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed Jorasko healers. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Jakela saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those bearded gnomes. Chili 6 - Very Vegetarian Variety Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Jakela. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili 7 - Screaming Sensation Chili Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge 3 -- You could put a fireball in my mouth, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach! Chili 8 - Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!
korcheck 05-29-07, 12:10 PM	A guy from the Eldeen Reaches is walking along the beach in Aundair. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to an aundairan guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're aundairan. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a little bit," says the aundairan. "What you do is you go to the store. You buy a little bikini swim suit. You walk up and down the beach and you’ll meet girls very quickly this way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the reacher, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the aundairan. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the aundairan, "I’ll tell you what you do, go to the store, buy a potato and put it in your swim suit then walk up and down the beach. You will meet girls very, very quickly this way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the aundairan. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the aundairan, "maybe I can help you a little bit. Why don't you try moving the potato to the FRONT of the swim suit?"
Forgotten_Warrior 06-25-07, 04:07 PM	Yo' momma so drunk, Dwarves tell her she shouldn't drive. Yo' momma so loud, Gibbering Mouthers tell her to shut-up.
ArgulFraster 07-09-07, 11:31 PM	Eberron-sults "Good lord, is that your face, or did a daelkyr attempt to turn you into a krenshar?" Bumper Stickers By Class: Sorcerer: "Keep honking, I'm getting the bat guano." Wizard: "My other car is the mount spell." Druid: "Save the whales!" Cleric: "I am a proud member of the (insert god here) Church." Archmage: "Keep honking, I'm summoning the Tarrasque." Blackguard: "I don't brake." By Monster: Goblin: "Safety in numbers!" Tarrasque: "I 8 Sigil"