Post/Author/DateTime	Post
speciallist 09-30-06, 01:12 PM	Alright, so how many times have you heard this before?: Please don't think that I'm knocking DnD. I strongly believe that it's a great intellectual activity. It's just a different way of expressing your intellect. (Mind you I am not kissing anyone's feet either). I only speak honestly. At this point, I am in need of someone's help or assitance. I have recently become married. I love this man to ends of the earth, but his love doesn't seem to fall with only me. He's flat out OBSESSED with DnD. Now, understand this, that I have NO problem with him what so ever playing the games that he plays. I have sat in on sessions. I have set off plans of my own so that he can have the car to go to his sessions. I support him in his hobby and his decissions. Recently he has found on online gaming site (It's basically Mudding) called roleplaymarket.com. Him and his other DnD campaions have started characters on there and have been playing that way during the duration of hours on end. Mind you that he had to start playing this becuase his own body wasn't letting him continue having a saturday game that ran from 12:00 pm until 2/3:00 am. Just to wake up on Sunday to go to another game at 10:00 am til 6:00 pm. I'm all fine with that. He's not stressing his body over the gaming, but it took over two years to realize what he was doing to himself. I'm glad he has made the chose to relax more. Now, I have NEVER told him that I want him to stop playing. I'm not a selfish "pay attention to me or I won't be happy" person. That is NOT me at all!! When I'm sitting there telling him about my day or telling him about something important that is or will be going on, he automatically interupts and starts spurtting off on a DnD character creation. Because of this, I could never get out of him when his own father's 50th birthday party was, and I ended up not being able to go. I couldn't get the information from my own husband. When we're having a nice dinner and both of us are talking about our philophies of life, his is based of DnD. We don't have internet at home, and lately I've been sick. We go to his work to get online. There was nights when I was sitting there in pain asking him to please stop so we can go home, and he said, "Only after I make this last post." His own boss has even made it clear that my husband is constintly sitting on the computer at work playing online or posting. I simply want to ask someone their opinion or their advice. I want my marriage to work, and I agree that I knew about this before I married him. I'm aware that my support for his hobbies is necessary in him being so inthrauled, etc. How do I talk to him without him interupting about DnD? I feel alone at times. When I start talking to him about something serious, if he lets me finish WITHOUT interupting, after two minutes of silence, he then say, "So can I tell you about my new character and what my friends character did? Well we were at..." I mean, will he phase out of this? Will his EXTREAMES stop? I don't want him to stop playing. I want him to enjoy it, but I know there has to be a limit. Please don't bash me on this. I'm only looking for someone's help. Please. :weep:
HauptSin 09-30-06, 01:32 PM	Sounds like the Roleplaying version of a hardcore cocaine addict to me, in all seriousness. Like you said, a hobby is a great thing to have, but when it absorbs your life and interferes with your marriage and your work, there's a problem. I'd say the best thing you could do is to tell him all of this, and have an open discussion about it. So long as you're reasonable about it and not accusing or anything, he should be okay with just talking about it. If he gets angry or defensive about it, with you being perfectly resonable, there's most definitely a problem. If that's the case, I'd honestly suggest professional counseling. Disclaimer: Just my honest opinion. I'm not a trained professional, though I did take Psych in High School. :p
Faeirlyte 09-30-06, 01:33 PM	Hi Wife! I am a wife, myself, only I am the one who used to play D&D, and haven't in ages. I would like to play it again, with my husband, but I have to teach him. First, I have to learn it all over again, and that is going to take a lot of time and reading. He never played it. You may not like what I am about to say, but here it goes. Your husband needs to grow up. That doesn't mean he can't play D&D. Of course he can. It is a great game, takes a lot of intellect and creativity and is a wonderful way to develop these skills. Hobbies of any kind can become overwhelming and addicting, destroy marriages and ruin bank accounts. This extends to anything-golf, sports, poker, collecting Hummels, collecting books or tarot cards, or beads and scrapbooking. Anything and both sexes. He needs to grow up and realize he has a life to lead, besides just gaming. He isn't a college student anymore. He has a wife, bills to pay, a job to do, a home to care for, perhaps a lawn. He needs to learn to moderate his gaming and get away from the computer or the gaming table, on a regular basis, and get his act together. D&D takes a lot of work in creating characters, reading manuals, knowing your stuff and it can be all-consuming, but 20 years ago I was a Dungeon Master, full time college student, held a part time job, and was on the Dean's List each semester. Balance. If he cannot balance D&D into his life, rather than have it BE his life, he isn't going to make a very good family man, or husband. He wants to just play the game and play like a bachelor. If he cannot see this (gosh, he could lose his job sooo easily right now) it sounds like you need marriage counseling. All work and no play is not healthy. But neither is the other way around. Simple as that, really. He has to break away and take time to look at his surroundings, his life, you, and learn that there is a world out there. Personally, I find life to be very helpful in a good campaign. D&D is also great for escaping. Make sure he isn't escaping you, work and reality. Good luck! I know an owner of a gaming store, nearby, and he stopped playing D&D because he now has a wife and child. He plays something else that is not quite as consuming and he still loves chatting about RPG's, but right now he realizes he has more important things to do, and needs to balance out his life. He did this by choice and they are very happy!
savant_warlord13 09-30-06, 01:48 PM	You ask how many times we have heard this before. Well, I am probably more obsessed than your husband and I am on these boards nearly every day. This has never happened before. Usually, we get people in your husband's position asking how to make their wives leave them alone regarding D&D. My advice to you is this: PLAY IT WITH HIM. It is the easiest way for you to spend more time with him, and who knows? You just might like it. Plus, if you are there with him, he will not have to tell you what happened, since you will already know! Then, when its time to find out when your father-in-law's birthday party is, he will tell you.
mearrin69 09-30-06, 02:53 PM	Can't really agree with the last post. From your description he is focused on the game to the point that it interferes with everything else. Change the word "game" to drugs, beer, sex, work, poker, or anything else you like and the term that describes this position is the same - addiction. Joining in would just be enabling him. You guys might want to seek real counseling for this. It is serious. M
a_psh 09-30-06, 03:14 PM	My advice to you is this: PLAY IT WITH HIM.While not an altogether bad idea, this is terribly unhelpful in this situation. If the original post is an accurate picture of his life, this isn't a problem of this guy being disconnected from his wife (where a little bit more time with each other might help them reconnect) as much as it is about him being disconnected from life. The thing about escapism is that too much escapism is unhealthy escapism, because it means you're trading in your life for a stupid fantasy instead of using that fantasy to spice up your life. (Here's an aside... That said, there are plenty of flavors of roleplaying, which is a rather broad and ill-defined concept, that aren't about escapism. Groups I play with tend to focus on building thematically-interesting characters and stories rather than characters we necessarily empathize with, if for no other reason than the fact that that's the direction in which I naturally try to "drift" the game when I GM.) Speciallist, So, based on the reasons I give above, I agree with the posters who say he's got an addiction. I'm definitely reaching a bit here, but, from the circumstances alluded to in the original post (and your listed location of "I just want to move"), it does sound like the two of you aren't really happy with your day-to-day living situation -- your finances, your careers, your health, or something like that -- right now, and that compulsive gaming is your husband's way of coping with that. If that's the case, then the D&D addiction is just part of a larger problem affecting him or both of you. Questions to consider: How does we act when he's not playing D&D or thinking about it? Do the two of you often feel frustrated about your day-to-day lives? What kinds of things do the two of you talk about when you think of the future? I don't really think this is the best forum for getting truly helpful advice about addiction or escapist behavior, simply because the advice you get, mine included, will be of dubious quality, but, as long as you find it helpful, you're welcome to it.
Galad 09-30-06, 03:31 PM	My advice is to talk to him. Obviously you can not do that in your current surroundings as he will just go off on a DnD rant but maybe you could go out to a nice restaraunt or if that wont work on a weekend vacation. Anything to get his mind even temporarily off DnD. Then you have to sit him down and tell him the way you feel. Try not to blame him for anything as that will make him defensive but use "I" statements. If that doesnt work maybe ask his boss to disconnect the internet;)
Tempest Stormwind 09-30-06, 03:36 PM	Were the situation more casual, I would suggest getting involved with him on it. However, as has been clearly noted, this is a disruptive case -- an addiction. Ironically, I AM a psychologist -- but not the sort you'd need to give a proper diagnosis of this. From what I know of the field of abnormal psychology and treatment, not much research has been done on this particular condition. However, papers on similar conditions -- in particular, research on pathological gambling -- are extremely common, and can help provide some insight into how to deal with this, and hopefully provide some treatment yourself. You also cannot expect to change another person against their will. He'll need to want to change -- and the first step there is for him to admit there's a problem. That said, there's a bigger issue at stake here -- if it's interfering with what would otherwise be a normal life (it's certainly interfering with his job and it's obviously bugging you), it's a big enough problem to justify getting a proper psychologist involved. This is the best advice I can give. (A stopgap measure, until proper help can show up: Ask him to limit his involvement to one weekly game. If he needs convincing for that drop in scheduling, *this* is where the "I'll join you" card can be played -- a single very high quality game once a week played with friends and loved ones is EASILY superior to many lower-quality games spread throughout the week, and it takes up far less time. Then, use the time he would have spent on other games to do "real life" things that both of you enjoy -- for instance, if he'd normally play in two or three games on Saturday, do the one Saturday morning and go catch a movie in the evening. The issue with this approach is he may want to spend inordinate amounts of time talking about that game with you, but I trust you know how to bring up other conversational topics.) All of this assumes relatively ideal situations outside of this particular circumstance. a_psh may have hit on something else, should this not be the case.
pyropetey9 09-30-06, 03:51 PM	My heart goes out to you. There is little I can say that hasn't already been said. It does indeed sound like addiction, and professional help is probably going to be needed. I have to stress that you use "I" statements when you bring it up with him, so he knows that you're talking about your feelings. If you place blame, he'll get defensive, and that will most likely make things worse. Roleplaying so frequently may be an indicator of a larger problem. He may be fantasizing to escape from something in life that causes a lot of stress for him. I'd like to stress here that I strongly doubt that it's you. This behavior is deeper rooted, and forgive me for waxing Freudian, but the cause(s) is/are probably deeply rooted in his developmental years. Again, professional help is almost certainly needed. I wish I could do more to help. Best of luck.
KJW 09-30-06, 04:01 PM	Speciallist, I will second a lot of the advice given already that this is indeed a problem. Escapism is what D&D is good for, and sometimes life is stressfull so escapism is good, but when D&D impacts your life and family then there is a serious problem. My wife and I have had some highly stressing periods in life, during and right after college when money was a real problem, during law school, and after we adopted our kids. In all of those situations roleplaying, in particular solo campaigns, was something that kept us sane instead of worrying about our various problems. Still sometimes this can be a problem, especially when it affects work and when it leads to avoiding a problem. I agree with a_psh that my instinct is that you two are recently married and struggling with a lot of problems, this is your husband's coping method, but that he has gone into avoidance mode as well. If this is the situation I can relate, I think that early marriage is incredibly difficult, typically there are money, career, communication, and so forth. Depression, anxiety, and the like are all too common. My suggestion is to talk to your husband, suggest he limit his gaming time, and seek out counseling. I also suggest that as has been suggested you can offer to game with him once a week as a bargaining chip, I can guarantee that this will be a powerful incentive. I wish you luck in this matter.
KirkBb 09-30-06, 04:06 PM	I believe that this is a gaming addiction, and while I haven't really heard of it happening with D&D as the game in question before (usually when I hear about it, its gambling or MMORPGs), it doesn't mean its any less severe, if I were you I would talk to him about it. If you can't seem to keep his attention, try talking to the people he plays the game with, let those people know whats going on in his life, and try to tone down the amount of time gaming via some sort of information. Of course, it would probably be much better for you to try therapy or the like rather than listening to my advice, and the advice of others on these boards.
LordHawkeye 09-30-06, 04:59 PM	Get a poster stating one of the husband's commandments. "Permit not thy job nor thy hobby to make thee a stranger to thy wife and children for the greatest give thou can giveth them is thy time" If it's really gotten that bad, he definetly needs to be brought to the surface for air and a clearer view of the situation. I thought I loved FFXI until the day I realized I was only playing for promises of fun and ditched it. Felt 100x better after that. But be supportive, no accusatory and do NOT ever give ultimatums unless you seriously intend to carry them out. You can also try talking to his gaming friends. They might be just as worried about him as you are and having allies will certainly help. But for all your wives of geeks, always remember to also keep things in perspective. A lot of women out there will tell you that you're lucky that at least he's not out drinking or something.
CharlieRock 09-30-06, 05:03 PM	Mrs.Charlie has her day (tuesday), and D&D has its day (monday) at the Rockhouse.Doesnt seem all that balanced when you take into account she plays on monday also.But, keeps her happy.And if Mrs.Charlie is happy then .... :) Trying to play it with him may stir up more stuff at this point though. Mrs.C had a lot of experience with RPGs as a player and we still had a bumpy ride to where we're at now.
Psychoticpsymon 09-30-06, 05:58 PM	I don't know... not able to find out when her father in law's birthday is? How long does that take to say? "October 8th". Yeah, I'm sorry, but I can't see this being true. It's just too out there. Sorry to be crass, but I call bs. If I'm wrong and you are being truthful, the DND messageboard is not where to go. He needs a psychiatrist immediately. You have asked a bunch of strangers with no experience in said job to rate your husbands addiction. Why not ask us about the lump in your breast while you're at it? Or the cyst growing on the side of your wrist? Maybe the broken arm you recieved? We could help you with complicated physics theory, since our characters fall and take damage. Just because we all play dnd doesn't mean we ar the people to turn to. Your husband's addiction isn't even our business, really.
Tarvok 09-30-06, 06:18 PM	If you don't mind my asking... You guys are recently married, right? Was he like this before you got married, or is this a recent development? If he WAS like this before, and you're just coming down off the "direct courtship to honeymoon high" and coming to recognize it, then I can't sympathize with you. Women are so very prone to take upon themselves "project men." We're people, too, though. Sometimes, the very things you despise about us or the things we enjoy the most. However, if he took an extended haitus from gaming to court your favor, culminating in marriage, and is not ducking back out of your life and into his hobby, call him on his false advertising, but be gentle with him. Your first instinct is probably to nag--likely, you've already done this. Take it from a recent divorcee; that will only make things worse. One thing you're going to have to come to grips with is that you've married an eccentric. Eccentrics have many positive qualities. We also have many negative qualities, and are EXTREMELY resistant to "reformation." Even if we do manage to find "balance," it is not the balance most people are accustomed to, and our own inner siren song never stops. It takes a strong, independent woman to put up with one. Stop for a moment, and gather together all the things you loved about him from the first. Put the things you aren't likeing up next to them, and see the harmony between these facts. Look at the whole man. Can you adjust to the whole man? I'm going to take heat for this post. Nevertheless, it is from the heart. Everybody else here is commisserating, "He should do this," "You should get him some counciling," etc. However, remember that there is only ONE person in this world you have any direct control over, and it's not him. If you're the only one with a problem, you're the one with a solution. However, you may not be the only one with a problem. Have you asked him about it? Not confronted... asked? Talking about our problems is not a part of our (male) neural wiring; there simply is no direct pathway from our problem solving faculties to our language production faculties. However, an invitation to talk can enable us to speak up about something that simply hadn't occured to us, at a word processing level.
Shadow810 09-30-06, 07:23 PM	1st you should surprise him with a sexy D&D getup! With Halloween a month away, that should not be that hard 2 pull off... Sexy, not because I am a "male pig", but to remind his @*% what he has! :D Use that as a way 2 tell him that playing is cool but you need some time without elves and halflings 2 be a real couple! Savy? Be honest w/him and yourself.
Shadow810 09-30-06, 07:26 PM	Or if you can't beat em... Join em and go get yourself a nice set of dice from dicepool! :P
Man in the Funny Hat 09-30-06, 07:29 PM	This is your MARRIAGE. SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING - NOW.
Iddig Ap Nil 09-30-06, 08:00 PM	Alright, so how many times have you heard this before?: Please don't think that I'm knocking DnD. I strongly believe that it's a great intellectual activity. It's just a different way of expressing your intellect. (Mind you I am not kissing anyone's feet either). I only speak honestly. At this point, I am in need of someone's help or assitance. I have recently become married. I love this man to ends of the earth, but his love doesn't seem to fall with only me. He's flat out OBSESSED with DnD. Now, understand this, that I have NO problem with him what so ever playing the games that he plays. I have sat in on sessions. I have set off plans of my own so that he can have the car to go to his sessions. I support him in his hobby and his decissions. Recently he has found on online gaming site (It's basically Mudding) called roleplaymarket.com. Him and his other DnD campaions have started characters on there and have been playing that way during the duration of hours on end. Mind you that he had to start playing this becuase his own body wasn't letting him continue having a saturday game that ran from 12:00 pm until 2/3:00 am. Just to wake up on Sunday to go to another game at 10:00 am til 6:00 pm. I'm all fine with that. He's not stressing his body over the gaming, but it took over two years to realize what he was doing to himself. I'm glad he has made the chose to relax more. Now, I have NEVER told him that I want him to stop playing. I'm not a selfish "pay attention to me or I won't be happy" person. That is NOT me at all!! When I'm sitting there telling him about my day or telling him about something important that is or will be going on, he automatically interupts and starts spurtting off on a DnD character creation. Because of this, I could never get out of him when his own father's 50th birthday party was, and I ended up not being able to go. I couldn't get the information from my own husband. When we're having a nice dinner and both of us are talking about our philophies of life, his is based of DnD. We don't have internet at home, and lately I've been sick. We go to his work to get online. There was nights when I was sitting there in pain asking him to please stop so we can go home, and he said, "Only after I make this last post." His own boss has even made it clear that my husband is constintly sitting on the computer at work playing online or posting. I simply want to ask someone their opinion or their advice. I want my marriage to work, and I agree that I knew about this before I married him. I'm aware that my support for his hobbies is necessary in him being so inthrauled, etc. How do I talk to him without him interupting about DnD? I feel alone at times. When I start talking to him about something serious, if he lets me finish WITHOUT interupting, after two minutes of silence, he then say, "So can I tell you about my new character and what my friends character did? Well we were at..." I mean, will he phase out of this? Will his EXTREAMES stop? I don't want him to stop playing. I want him to enjoy it, but I know there has to be a limit. Please don't bash me on this. I'm only looking for someone's help. Please. :weep:I recommend dragging him to couple's therapy (not because you're a bad wife, but because he's selfish and immature and ignoring your needs, perhaps even some kind of intervention is in order, it sounds like he could be addicted to it in a way similar to how people get addicted to gambling, drugs, or alcohol...
shamangrizzley 09-30-06, 10:20 PM	I have an interesting aspect on this because 1) I am a gamer married to a wonderful and understanding women. 2) I am a gamestore owner who sells the product most gamers buy. I like a lot of gamers I know, am rather obssesive in personality. Why this is I can't really tell you, but it does seem to be a very common trait. Your husband sounds rather obssesive as well. This is where it gets kind of scary. YOur husband (much like most obssesives) would just find something else to obsess over if he gave up DnD, now this could work out to mean he spends more time on you, or he finds another obssession. You are kind of in a tough spot, you want a marriage to work, but your husband dosn't get that he is in a marriage yet. My advice be patient, don't nag so much he gets angry, try to play with him, and most of all realize that sometimes some people just won't change. You are getting a lot of views and oppinions, do what you can and I hope it works out for you.
Roleplay 09-30-06, 10:44 PM	How did you get this guy to the altar... or has his obsessive behavior always been there ever since you met him?
ArcTan 10-01-06, 12:05 AM	The thing about escapism is that too much escapism is unhealthy escapism, because it means you're trading in your life for a stupid fantasy instead of using that fantasy to spice up your life. (Here's an aside... That said, there are plenty of flavors of roleplaying, which is a rather broad and ill-defined concept, that aren't about escapism. Groups I play with tend to focus on building thematically-interesting characters and stories rather than characters we necessarily empathize with, if for no other reason than the fact that that's the direction in which I naturally try to "drift" the game when I GM.) To be fair, playing a character you don't like, who's not an admirable person, and that you wouldn't actually want to be can still be "escapism". Escapism means giving yourself something to think about other than your own life, and that includes thinking about people whose problems are worse than your own or at least outside your own.
ArcTan 10-01-06, 12:08 AM	The actual question being asked here is a question about relationships and psychology, not a question about the game of D&D, and so you're not really likely to find the most helpful advice here. My advice would be to go find a relationship counselor, a psychiatrist or someone else trained to handle situations like this -- or at least to ask people whom you personally know who are good at handling people. Asking us how to deal with your husband's obsession just because we like the thing your husband is obsessed with is unlikely to be all that useful, just as the kind of expert a pyromaniac needs is a psychologist, not a chemist familiar with the process of combustion.
a_psh 10-01-06, 12:45 AM	To be fair, playing a character you don't like, who's not an admirable person, and that you wouldn't actually want to be can still be "escapism".Fair enough.
RetiredThief 10-01-06, 08:40 PM	From your post, I'd say your husband has a problem. Even if gaming was his job, doing that 100% of his waking hours wouldn't be healthy. I'm certain even the quality of his gaming is suffering from such a schedule. (Playing when you're 1/2 asleep isn't playing, it's a grind.) To be happy in life you need some balance. Sure FUN is good (gaming.) But you need FAMILY (his relationship with you.) And you need to PAY THE BILLS (work.) And it sure helps to get some sleep in, now and then. (Something I need to work on, come to think of it.) You mentioned he may be having some physical issues? That were keeping him from playing long weekend games, so he plays MUDs instead? Is it possible he may be having problems related to that? Maybe depression from being less mobile or active, or a reaction to theraputic drugs to handle whatever the physical issues are? Just tossing some ideas onto the table. I hope you can find a solution and path to a better, more balanced, and happier life together.
mathogre 10-01-06, 10:43 PM	Hi speciallist! I've been married now for 22 years. Just had the anniversary a few weeks ago. We have a daughter who is about to turn 8. I could give you a list of quirks, problems, issues we have, some hers, some mine. In the end we have a marriage to keep and a daughter to raise. I have hobbies and obsessions that take time and money, but never are they allowed to interfere in our family. We don't have a perfect marriage, but it is serviceable. (By most objective measures it's pretty good.) If you're coming here for advice - a fine starting point btw - that's an indication you two are not talking. You said it directly in your posting too. That's a bad path for you two to follow. The fact that you're here probably indicates you no longer have a good way to him. Add to that his choice of D&D over you when you're ill and need him, as well as the comment from his boss that he plays at work alot, and you're looking at some serious problems. You asked for advice. Here are a few thoughts. 1. Don't get pregnant, not right now. I don't know if the idea of doing so was an issue, but just don't do it, not until your marriage stablizes for the long term. It won't draw him to you, and could push him away (and your finances wouldn't exactly be good). If your marriage goes bad, you want to walk away as cleanly as possible. 2. You both need to get in some form of couples counseling. You two are not communicating, and that's going to be essential for the success of your marriage. At the moment he's not contributing what you need from him in your marriage. Additionally he's doing things that could harm his ability to contribute financially to your marriage. While you both need to give and take, it sounds as if he's been taking much more than he should. 3. He may need additional counseling by himself for addressing his obsessions. This one could be much trickier. Yes some here have compared this to drug use et al, but here's another take. Professionally I'm in air traffic control r&d, and am happy only when I'm working on "impossible" tasks. At the moment I'm on some simple (for me) tasks, and D&D is helping take up the intellectual slack. (I just started playing less than 2 years ago.) I'll make the guess he's pretty bright and D&D represents his best intellectual outlet. If he seeks private counsel, you may wish to find someone who can deal with gifted people. Hmmm... Asperger's Syndrome comes to mind also... Good luck Lady. You married each other for good reasons. He needs to be a part of that marriage with you.
Orchomenos 10-02-06, 01:15 PM	Greetings, speciallist. Seems like almost everything has been said. Joinning him could be good, but won't solve the problem in the long term. At worse, he could even begin to seek another escaping activity. At best, you will both enjoy a great hobby, but it won't make him grow up. So I join the other ones who told you to seek professional help. Also, ask his friends, it was a good advice. Keep us aware! Orchomenos
Harrowdroth 10-02-06, 01:31 PM	Sounds like your husband is an addict, Period. But instead of meth or cocaine, Its D&D. Whatever you do don't let him try world of warcraft . Couples Councilling for both of you Councilling for him (seperate) Councilling for you (seperate) If he refuses do anything at all, Threaten to leave, If that doesn't wake him up at all, He isn't the type of person you want to spend your life with... AND FOR GODS SAKE DON'T GET PREGNANT!!! Does he have any alchoholics/addicts in his family? And how old are you?
Galadan_Ironstone 10-02-06, 02:43 PM	Having dealt with addiction in my marriage, I can also suggest, as many other posters have, that counciling is needed. This is addictive behavior. His addiction is gaming, it cold easily be drugs/alcohol/gambling... anything. I would suggest starting with couples counciling, but an addiction specialist seems is what you need. Addicition is all about behaviors. When behavior interfers with everyday life is when it is a problem.