"...and then the bartender says..." [Archive] - Wizards Community

"...and then the bartender says..." [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
WhtKnt
07-06-04, 04:01 PM What are some particularly choice quotations that you remember from past (or current) gaming sessions? Keep it within CoC, please!

"I didn't know the dwarf was Jewish!"
-- One of the party members after the dwarf's armor and clothing disappeared without warning

"Bytopia; that's next to Fruitopia, right?"
-- Spike the Elf on planar geography

"It's not a bribe, it's courtly politics!"
-- Silverglade the Cavalier

"Consequences, smonsequences. As long as I'm rich."
-- Ustar the Blade (after Daffy Duck), in remarkably similar circumstances

"So, did we make the team?"
-- Darklash to Manta-Man, after the newbies have destroyed the heroes' headquarters in a fight with the villains, leaving at least three of the heroes and two villains dead and several bystanders dead or injured
Dragonlover
07-06-04, 07:54 PM One out of game comment thats always stuck is 'Barbie is a chaotic evil deity'. Ok, in our campaign one of the characters (Corum) has a Harmonica of Chaos, and the DM either rolls on a table for the effect or justs makes it up on the spot, depending on the situation. In this particular situation, we were trying to get past some golems.

Corum: 'I blow the harmonica'
DM: 'The golems turn into a sperm whale and a vase of petunias'

Cue entire table dissolving with laughter.

Dragonlover
Ongorth
07-06-04, 08:28 PM "Gram said I wasn't putting my back into it."

Rayn to her lover Malakai after misinterpretting Gram's comment on her lack of dedication to the party's cause.

"Where we come from, we have a saying, 'Dead Men have no wills.'"

Hera consoling Effie after they were unable to scry on her husband. Hera's proverb lacked the double meaning in her native language of gnomish. On a side note, this was COMPLETELY unintentionial on the player's (my) part.
Generic Fighter
07-06-04, 08:58 PM Here's my favorite ones from my first campaign.

"I hit it. It's dead." The player of Unglar, Brown Bear[3.0 Reincarnated from Half-Orc] Barbarian of Campaign Unbalancing said this after the first two campaign sessions after being reincarnated went by without missing or failing kill an enemy in a single blow once.

"Rock talk? ROCK TALK!" Unglar the Barbarian encounters Earth Elementals for the first time. :P

Generic Fighter:fight!:
Tevish Szat
07-06-04, 09:41 PM All of these come from the campagin i'm currently DMing. the party consists of a fighter/illusionist, a Bard, a Dragon Deciple, and a Rogue

"You fumbled so well you killed it!" - One player to another.

This stems from my crit. fumble rule. if you roll a nat. 1, roll again. if your second roll would miss, it's a fumble, which results in something bad, otherwise, jsut a miss. i also added that if you get a natural 20 on your fumble conformation roll, you get to reroll the attack roll. The party was fighting a pair of Mezzoloths, and the fighter/illusionist attacked one of them. he got a 1. conf. roll = 20. reroll = 20. critical threat. conformation good, critical hit. enough damage was dealt, the 'loth died.

"I think I can hear the dice gods snickering" - Me

The 8th level bard (13 CON) had failed 4 dc11 fort saves in a row.

"So it's basically a portal to some fasion store's warehouse?" - Me

Said in response to the new Dragon Deciple's request for a custom magical item, "Portable Wardrobe"

"SOMEONE had to try to TALK with it!" - P.O.ed character

Said by the bard after the party was Geas'd by a ghost they were supposed to banish. The illusionist had decided to try talking and got the party into a big mess.

"He's still being penciled into existance." - the Dragon Deciple's Player

Regarding the Rogue, who's palyer was new and being helped through character creation at the same time as the game went on. Quote came during a battle.
TheMyrmidon
07-06-04, 09:44 PM This one was in response to a very paiful moment for my character who was dueling an evil general on an island. (this was caused by the general rolling a critical hit)

*laughter*

me: once i get back to town I'm buying me some mithrel underwere!
Carnifex
07-07-04, 12:13 AM "Hey! I found a zipper!"

-A player's response to his 200 point killing-blow scythe crit.
Bulabase
07-07-04, 12:59 AM "We never should have jumped into that volcano."

Said in reference to a campaign altering choice made long ago. The look of "what kind of game do you guys run" on the new player's face was priceless.

"It makes perfect sense that I am the chosen one of Tharizdun."

Said by a high level paladin who had through the course of the campaign unintentionally caused massive world-wide devistation.
Fi'Irdray
07-07-04, 05:15 AM ok, our party was in an abandoned Dwarven mine, and we had to climb a 200 foot tall, stone ladder... and as the monk (also the party member w/ the highest reflex mod and climbing mod) it was decided that I would investigate by being the first to climb...
Unfortunately, there was no natural light in the mine, and since I lack darkvision, I needed a torch which I couldn't hold while climbing so:

Our Paladin: Ok, empty his backpack, stuff the halfling in there, then give the torch to the halfling

Also, earlier in that campeign, we had just completed a quest for a Dwarf, and when he opened the chest that was supposed to have our money, it was empty (we later learned that it was an illusion spell), Feeling betrayed and slightly angry, my monk threw a clay jar of poison I had found earlier at him... of course, this was my night of almost all natural 1's, and I ended up hitting our Halfling rogue (same one that was in my backpack, but he made the fort save, so it's ok)

Dwarf: Now, that wasn't very nice, was it?
General Dorsey
07-07-04, 09:26 AM One out of game comment thats always stuck is 'Barbie is a chaotic evil deity'.

This is slightly off topic, but you may find this (http://www.heraldnet.com/stories/04/07/05/loc_barbie001.cfm) interesting.
Sulaco
07-07-04, 09:26 AM In reference to Fi'Irdray

Well, I don't know you but if I gamed with you I'd have most certainly said "Thank God it's Fi'Irdray!" at some point. ;)
Canoy
07-07-04, 09:57 AM "I steel all the gold, takes a **** and wipe with his 9th level scrolls."

--This was from a Halfling Bard who angered a epic wizard NPC who put him in his gigantic Bag of Holding, with only his head sticking out.

"Listen you little flower, either you tell me where he went or I'll yank both you and your neighbour out of the earth."

--Same Bard a few sessions earlier, after he became upset how jolly the flowers was. He didn't use Speak with Plants much afterwards. I also remember him threating a tree with an axe because he didn't like how it didn't answer his questions correctly.
ajmastrean
07-07-04, 10:42 AM new to the game, new dm, and new players. One friend was a wizard (big mistake). After falling off a fortress wall (he could have taken the ladder down and walked through the gate) and wading into melee combat with his greatclub, the rogue says "get out your freaking spellbook" the wizard replies...

"I have a spellbook?"
Sulaco
07-07-04, 10:56 AM Merchant, to Rogue: You're forgetting the golden rule - "He who was the gold makes the rules"

Rogue, to Merhcant (while pulling a dagger): And you're forgetting the steel rule - "He who has the steel takes the gold"

---

Player to DM: How wide is the trail? How many can ride abreast?

Me: One, but it has to be a big breast.

---
WhtKnt
07-07-04, 12:45 PM A classic, but still a gem:

Player: "I listen to the door."
DM: "The door doesn't say a word."

This was pretty common in our early game sessions, until the players learned to say, "listen at" the door.

"Ehrm, you do realize that it's protection from evil, right?"
-- Me, after hearing a player refer to his paladin's aura of protection of evil for the 10th time that night

Player: "I ask the wizard what level he is."
DM: "The wizard has no idea what you're talking about. That's metagaming. Characters don't refer to themselves by levels and classes."
Player: "Okay, I ask the wizard what the highest level of spell he knows is."
DM: :rolleyes: "Try again."
Player: "How many spells do you get each day?"
DM: :banghead:

DM: "When you open the door, a huge stone block drops from the ceiling and crushes you. Save versus petrification, please."
Player: "I disbelieve! Oh God, how I disbelieve!"

and my favorite...

Player: "I'm bandaging his wounds."
DM: "Make a Heal check, DC 15."
Player: (rolls a natural 1) "Uh-oh. Uhm, what's he got on him that looks interesting?"
Stark Raven
07-07-04, 12:49 PM "Tremble in fear at the crackling jaws of the Blue-Glowing Fox of DOOM!!" - my 6th level sorcerer after having his fox familiar deliver an empowered shocking grasp to a trog shaman for 30 points of damage during our last session.
Corynth
07-07-04, 08:40 PM Dordrin shouts, "Eat hot flaming death, evildoers!!!" as he makes machine gun motions with his arms. (Dordrin the Weez(ard) casting Fireball).

Gotta love good roleplayers!
Tevish Szat
07-10-04, 03:52 AM Originally posted by Canoy

"Listen you little flower, either you tell me where he went or I'll yank both you and your neighbour out of the earth."

--Same Bard a few sessions earlier, after he became upset how jolly the flowers was. He didn't use Speak with Plants much afterwards. I also remember him threating a tree with an axe because he didn't like how it didn't answer his questions correctly. LOL!
roguebfl
07-10-04, 04:34 AM Originally posted by Dragonlover
Corum: 'I blow the harmonica'
DM: 'The golems turn into a sperm whale and a vase of petunias'

Vase of petunias: Oh not Not agian!

ok my contrib

after the Half-dragon fighter great cleave/powertaking 5 Zombies in one round with her bite.

rogue: Want a mint?
PsionScribe
07-12-04, 06:20 PM EDIT
Jongluer
07-12-04, 06:55 PM In an old mine filled with goblins, everyone is running away cuase we're all fisrt level and there are like 12 goblins and some Bugbears, the vines from my entangle spell were on fire from a burning hands spell cast by the sorcerer and the dwarven cleric of Moradin says, "I'll kill them all!" we were already trying to collapse the tunnel at that point...more lack of common sense than funny, he ran eventually.

In the non-FR camapign I run, same player, "I'm an Assimar Paladin of Torm!"
NPC- "Who?"

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
WhtKnt 07-06-04, 04:01 PM	What are some particularly choice quotations that you remember from past (or current) gaming sessions? Keep it within CoC, please! "I didn't know the dwarf was Jewish!" -- One of the party members after the dwarf's armor and clothing disappeared without warning "Bytopia; that's next to Fruitopia, right?" -- Spike the Elf on planar geography "It's not a bribe, it's courtly politics!" -- Silverglade the Cavalier "Consequences, smonsequences. As long as I'm rich." -- Ustar the Blade (after Daffy Duck), in remarkably similar circumstances "So, did we make the team?" -- Darklash to Manta-Man, after the newbies have destroyed the heroes' headquarters in a fight with the villains, leaving at least three of the heroes and two villains dead and several bystanders dead or injured
Dragonlover 07-06-04, 07:54 PM	One out of game comment thats always stuck is 'Barbie is a chaotic evil deity'. Ok, in our campaign one of the characters (Corum) has a Harmonica of Chaos, and the DM either rolls on a table for the effect or justs makes it up on the spot, depending on the situation. In this particular situation, we were trying to get past some golems. Corum: 'I blow the harmonica' DM: 'The golems turn into a sperm whale and a vase of petunias' Cue entire table dissolving with laughter. Dragonlover
Ongorth 07-06-04, 08:28 PM	"Gram said I wasn't putting my back into it." Rayn to her lover Malakai after misinterpretting Gram's comment on her lack of dedication to the party's cause. "Where we come from, we have a saying, 'Dead Men have no wills.'" Hera consoling Effie after they were unable to scry on her husband. Hera's proverb lacked the double meaning in her native language of gnomish. On a side note, this was COMPLETELY unintentionial on the player's (my) part.
Generic Fighter 07-06-04, 08:58 PM	Here's my favorite ones from my first campaign. "I hit it. It's dead." The player of Unglar, Brown Bear[3.0 Reincarnated from Half-Orc] Barbarian of Campaign Unbalancing said this after the first two campaign sessions after being reincarnated went by without missing or failing kill an enemy in a single blow once. "Rock talk? ROCK TALK!" Unglar the Barbarian encounters Earth Elementals for the first time. :P Generic Fighter:fight!:
Tevish Szat 07-06-04, 09:41 PM	All of these come from the campagin i'm currently DMing. the party consists of a fighter/illusionist, a Bard, a Dragon Deciple, and a Rogue "You fumbled so well you killed it!" - One player to another. This stems from my crit. fumble rule. if you roll a nat. 1, roll again. if your second roll would miss, it's a fumble, which results in something bad, otherwise, jsut a miss. i also added that if you get a natural 20 on your fumble conformation roll, you get to reroll the attack roll. The party was fighting a pair of Mezzoloths, and the fighter/illusionist attacked one of them. he got a 1. conf. roll = 20. reroll = 20. critical threat. conformation good, critical hit. enough damage was dealt, the 'loth died. "I think I can hear the dice gods snickering" - Me The 8th level bard (13 CON) had failed 4 dc11 fort saves in a row. "So it's basically a portal to some fasion store's warehouse?" - Me Said in response to the new Dragon Deciple's request for a custom magical item, "Portable Wardrobe" "SOMEONE had to try to TALK with it!" - P.O.ed character Said by the bard after the party was Geas'd by a ghost they were supposed to banish. The illusionist had decided to try talking and got the party into a big mess. "He's still being penciled into existance." - the Dragon Deciple's Player Regarding the Rogue, who's palyer was new and being helped through character creation at the same time as the game went on. Quote came during a battle.
TheMyrmidon 07-06-04, 09:44 PM	This one was in response to a very paiful moment for my character who was dueling an evil general on an island. (this was caused by the general rolling a critical hit) laughter me: once i get back to town I'm buying me some mithrel underwere!
Carnifex 07-07-04, 12:13 AM	"Hey! I found a zipper!" -A player's response to his 200 point killing-blow scythe crit.
Bulabase 07-07-04, 12:59 AM	"We never should have jumped into that volcano." Said in reference to a campaign altering choice made long ago. The look of "what kind of game do you guys run" on the new player's face was priceless. "It makes perfect sense that I am the chosen one of Tharizdun." Said by a high level paladin who had through the course of the campaign unintentionally caused massive world-wide devistation.
Fi'Irdray 07-07-04, 05:15 AM	ok, our party was in an abandoned Dwarven mine, and we had to climb a 200 foot tall, stone ladder... and as the monk (also the party member w/ the highest reflex mod and climbing mod) it was decided that I would investigate by being the first to climb... Unfortunately, there was no natural light in the mine, and since I lack darkvision, I needed a torch which I couldn't hold while climbing so: Our Paladin: Ok, empty his backpack, stuff the halfling in there, then give the torch to the halfling Also, earlier in that campeign, we had just completed a quest for a Dwarf, and when he opened the chest that was supposed to have our money, it was empty (we later learned that it was an illusion spell), Feeling betrayed and slightly angry, my monk threw a clay jar of poison I had found earlier at him... of course, this was my night of almost all natural 1's, and I ended up hitting our Halfling rogue (same one that was in my backpack, but he made the fort save, so it's ok) Dwarf: Now, that wasn't very nice, was it?
General Dorsey 07-07-04, 09:26 AM	One out of game comment thats always stuck is 'Barbie is a chaotic evil deity'. This is slightly off topic, but you may find this (http://www.heraldnet.com/stories/04/07/05/loc_barbie001.cfm) interesting.
Sulaco 07-07-04, 09:26 AM	In reference to Fi'Irdray Well, I don't know you but if I gamed with you I'd have most certainly said "Thank God it's Fi'Irdray!" at some point. ;)
Canoy 07-07-04, 09:57 AM	"I steel all the gold, takes a **** and wipe with his 9th level scrolls." --This was from a Halfling Bard who angered a epic wizard NPC who put him in his gigantic Bag of Holding, with only his head sticking out. "Listen you little flower, either you tell me where he went or I'll yank both you and your neighbour out of the earth." --Same Bard a few sessions earlier, after he became upset how jolly the flowers was. He didn't use Speak with Plants much afterwards. I also remember him threating a tree with an axe because he didn't like how it didn't answer his questions correctly.
ajmastrean 07-07-04, 10:42 AM	new to the game, new dm, and new players. One friend was a wizard (big mistake). After falling off a fortress wall (he could have taken the ladder down and walked through the gate) and wading into melee combat with his greatclub, the rogue says "get out your freaking spellbook" the wizard replies... "I have a spellbook?"
Sulaco 07-07-04, 10:56 AM	Merchant, to Rogue: You're forgetting the golden rule - "He who was the gold makes the rules" Rogue, to Merhcant (while pulling a dagger): And you're forgetting the steel rule - "He who has the steel takes the gold" --- Player to DM: How wide is the trail? How many can ride abreast? Me: One, but it has to be a big breast. ---
WhtKnt 07-07-04, 12:45 PM	A classic, but still a gem: Player: "I listen to the door." DM: "The door doesn't say a word." This was pretty common in our early game sessions, until the players learned to say, "listen at" the door. "Ehrm, you do realize that it's protection from evil, right?" -- Me, after hearing a player refer to his paladin's aura of protection of evil for the 10th time that night Player: "I ask the wizard what level he is." DM: "The wizard has no idea what you're talking about. That's metagaming. Characters don't refer to themselves by levels and classes." Player: "Okay, I ask the wizard what the highest level of spell he knows is." DM: :rolleyes: "Try again." Player: "How many spells do you get each day?" DM: :banghead: DM: "When you open the door, a huge stone block drops from the ceiling and crushes you. Save versus petrification, please." Player: "I disbelieve! Oh God, how I disbelieve!" and my favorite... Player: "I'm bandaging his wounds." DM: "Make a Heal check, DC 15." Player: (rolls a natural 1) "Uh-oh. Uhm, what's he got on him that looks interesting?"
Stark Raven 07-07-04, 12:49 PM	"Tremble in fear at the crackling jaws of the Blue-Glowing Fox of DOOM!!" - my 6th level sorcerer after having his fox familiar deliver an empowered shocking grasp to a trog shaman for 30 points of damage during our last session.
Corynth 07-07-04, 08:40 PM	Dordrin shouts, "Eat hot flaming death, evildoers!!!" as he makes machine gun motions with his arms. (Dordrin the Weez(ard) casting Fireball). Gotta love good roleplayers!
Tevish Szat 07-10-04, 03:52 AM	Originally posted by Canoy "Listen you little flower, either you tell me where he went or I'll yank both you and your neighbour out of the earth." --Same Bard a few sessions earlier, after he became upset how jolly the flowers was. He didn't use Speak with Plants much afterwards. I also remember him threating a tree with an axe because he didn't like how it didn't answer his questions correctly. LOL!
roguebfl 07-10-04, 04:34 AM	Originally posted by Dragonlover Corum: 'I blow the harmonica' DM: 'The golems turn into a sperm whale and a vase of petunias' Vase of petunias: Oh not Not agian! ok my contrib after the Half-dragon fighter great cleave/powertaking 5 Zombies in one round with her bite. rogue: Want a mint?
PsionScribe 07-12-04, 06:20 PM	EDIT
Jongluer 07-12-04, 06:55 PM	In an old mine filled with goblins, everyone is running away cuase we're all fisrt level and there are like 12 goblins and some Bugbears, the vines from my entangle spell were on fire from a burning hands spell cast by the sorcerer and the dwarven cleric of Moradin says, "I'll kill them all!" we were already trying to collapse the tunnel at that point...more lack of common sense than funny, he ran eventually. In the non-FR camapign I run, same player, "I'm an Assimar Paladin of Torm!" NPC- "Who?"