Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Meow Mix 10-18-03, 01:11 PM	(Huh, I almost posted this in the Prestige Class folder, but that folder seemed FAR too serious for this) <Facilitator> (in a very soft, happy voice) "Hi, guys! Welcome to the Blackguards-With-Bad-Names Support Group (BWBN). Here, you can release the frustrations of name teasing in the forms of safe, caring discussions, sharing your feelings, and encouraging each other to face a new day with courage! Okay guys, first, let's introduce ourselves. I am the facilitator, which is a squalidly politically-correct way of saying 'leader'. And we'll go to you next. Please stand up, and introduce yourself." :) :) :) <Blackguard 1> (Stands up quietly, eyeing the crowd nervously and suspiciously) "I am... Horatio the Red. I, uh... behead people... okay, I'll... sit down now..." :confused: <Facilitator> "Oh, Horatio. What a cultured name! There's nothing wrong with your name... the way the sounds roll off your tongue, lends an air of foreign exoticness. It's nice, Horatio. It's very nice." <Blackguard 2> (High pitched voice, standing arms akimbo) "Hi, my name, is like, Katrina, and I can't, like, find ANY way to like, make my name sound like, intimidating and stuff, I mean, like, it's either like, 'Kat the Vile,' or like, 'Rini the Vile,' or 'Trina' and 'Katty'... I just get so grumpy-pants, I have to rip someone's eyeballs out, and then I just ruin my nails..." :rolleyes: <Blackguard 3> (stands up, all big and buff) "That ain't nothin' man. I'm Vinnie." <Blackguard 4> (leaps up) "I'm Tito!" <Blackguard 5> (follows as a close 3rd) "And I'm Chico." (Vinnie, Tito, and Chico glance at each other for a moment) <Chico> "It's like, we're brothers and all, or somethin'..." <Facilitator> (claps her hands happily) "Vincent, Titoro, and Chico... how lovely, you're all brothers! Your names sounds like you're in a mob, like a thieves' guild... but don't worry, you have a caring, loving group to look after you and protect you. There's safety and identity in numbers." :D :D :D (After the introductions are done, the facilitator hands out the famous foam rubber bats) <Facilitator> "Now, allow me to explain what we're about to do - no, Katrina, it's not time to use the bats yet. Please calm down. Now, we - Horatio, the foam bat is not a vorpal weapon. Now, group, please calm down. Jack the Black, please leave the foam on the bat. It's not a mace - Charmaigne, put the pit fiend back where it came from, please... please?..."
Darth K'Trava 10-19-03, 07:25 PM	:rofl: That was funny. Then this one last guy walks in: <Blackguard 6>Hi. I hope I'm not <whap!> um..... late...... Ow. That was unexpected..... He looks at the petite female who'd just whapped him with the nerf bat, Katrina. "Hey babe. I didn't do anything...." <Katrina> Damn! You made me break like two nails! <Tito steps in between the two> So, new guy.... what's your name? <Blackguard 6> Um..... Phred...... <facilitator> HE WINS!!! <other blackguards> Huh? :confused: They them all gang up on the facilitator. Pound him under the weight of 5 nerf bats. <Producer> I think it's now time for a word from our ...... ::screen fades to black::
Straploknight 10-19-03, 07:33 PM	Phred thought he was the last to walk through the door.... that was until Buttercup and a man named Sue showed up.
AlteredEgo 10-19-03, 08:00 PM	<blackguard 9> strolls in, his wooden-like walk and shiny bald head make his "mysterious" walk into a comical one... "I...am Damodar."
David777 10-20-03, 06:49 AM	The newest arrival <blackguard ten> walks in "hi i'm new to the whole black-evil-killing thing, i converted yesterday. my name is sir goodhart the pure dont give me that look punk fallen paladins make the best blackguards ever
Grizelda 10-20-03, 09:14 PM	<Blackguard 11> Hey whats all the ruckus? FOAM FIGHT!!! I Eugene the Eunuch shall smite you all!! ooh OW ouch stoppit! MOMMMMMMIE!!!! ps: welcome back MM haven't seen ya post in a while. :)
Meow Mix 10-21-03, 09:30 PM	(Two weeks later, after a holiday) <Facilitator> "Okay, guys. This is our second day at the support group. Now that we all know each other's names, today we will discuss: adventuring parties, and how we feel about them. Remember, it's okay to cry, to let your feelings and emotions soar. Don't be afraid - we're all here for each other." :) :) :) (The Facilitator looks around for a moment) <Facilitator> "Hmm. Has anyone seen Charmaigne? He was here at our first meeting... it's been two weeks. Do any of you know what happened to him?" :confused: (The crowd stirs with hushed activity. Some of the blackguards look amongst themselves, and about the room. A few are asleep. Sue tears a severed arm in half and shares it with Sir Goodhart the Pure) <Phred> Raises a hand. "I, uh, think he's running amok in the countryside." <Katrina> "Ugh, like, how passe. With a name like that, how could he, like, miss a meeting?" <Horatio> "Maybe he fell to an adventuring party?" :confused: (The crowd gasps and all heads turn to Horatio :eek:. Sue continues gnawing on the arm.) <Sir Goodhart the Pure> (mouth full of arm) "Ha! I was an adventurer once. Slew me all sorts o' blackgua-" <Facilitator> Clasps his hands together. "Now, let's not get excited. Life is full of surprises... and when bullies like adventurers interfere like this, it just makes me so mad! Mad, mad, mad! But instead of unleashing our wrath on hordes of innocents, we can stop our anger in healthier, more natural ways. Remember, things like this happen in life all the time. While there's little we can do to stop bad things from happening, we can cope, and remember. First, let's cope. Everybody, say with me: 'We'll remember you, Charmaigne.' Come now, everybody. 1, 2, 3..." (Sue finishes eating the arm. Katrina files her nails. Buttercup falls asleep.) <Facilitator> :D "Very good, class! You are all wonderful people, with such wonderful hearts. You see? When we're together, we have strength - that way, nobody will ever make fun of your names. I'm sure Charmaigne will think of you all in the afterlife, and we'll never forget each other. Now, let's talk to each other, and let our feelings out about adventurers, and our experiences with them." (After a few minutes of gnashing of teeth, sleeping, blood magic, and arranging pillows on the floor in a circle, everyone gathers together for discussion.) <Eugene the Eunuch> (crying and sobbing) "It's not fair, man. All I wanted to do was rip a hole in this realm to the Abyss, and let the demons pour through... and these, these meanies come around, and we-we started fighting, like, you know and stuff... and the fighter - that stupidhead, mean, horrible fighter! - stopped, and started calling me a eunuch! 'Eugene the Eunuch, Eugene the Eunuch..." (continues crying and sobbing...) <Horatio> o_o;; "Did - did you... open... the portal...?" <Eugene> Immediately straightens up, as if nothing ever happened. "Of course. Did you honestly think I was going to allow their insolence and meddling continue? I fed their mangled limbs to the denizens of the Abyss, like any upstanding paragon of darkness would." :rolleyes: <Katrina> (becomes all aflutter) "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! I know! I know! I mean, like, I remember, like, this one time, this, like, nasty paladin came up, and, like, start spewing this nasty speech about this nasty light thing, and, like, his nasty god of, like, light. I mean, it was like, SO nasty! :rolleyes: So, I like, tore his nasty soul out of his body, and like, it's like, my doormat and, like, stuff. It's so cute!" :D :D :D
AlteredEgo 10-21-03, 11:50 PM	<Damodar> "I knew an adventuring group once...always taking things that didn't belong to them. So I killed the annoying one, struck a dramatic pose, and let the whiny one leave with his used-up wench." *cruelly enigmatic laughter...*
RLWilde 10-22-03, 10:21 PM	A non-human Blackguard enters... this seems to be some otherworldly creature, perhaps Awakened by a evil druid for some dark purpose. The gathering waits for the newcomer to speak his (her? its?) name, so we can truly assess whether the name is "bad" or not. Finally, the creature speaks... "Pika?"
Scarlet Knight 10-22-03, 11:45 PM	My name is 'Sue!' how do you do? Now you gonna die! (http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palace/2009/BoySue.html)
AlteredEgo 10-23-03, 12:12 AM	Originally posted by RLWilde "Pika?" you win...
Metagaming Mike 10-23-03, 06:22 PM	A clanking and whirring can be heard at the door as a menacing mechanical steed stops at the door. Off of the artificial beast steps a tiny figure, no more than three feet tall, but built like a tank and in armor made entirely of what appears to be interlocked spiked gears. His cruel hook-hammer is still dripping wet with blood as he shuffles slowly toward the door. "Umm, is this the Blackguards with Embarrassing Names place? Well, you might not see many of us gnomes in the business, but we exist. However, umm, actually this is rather awkward, the reason many gnomes aren't in, well, the business, is...well, it's our names. And, well, I suppose that's why I'm here. I hate to say it, but, umm, my name is Shoeglue Cranksnapper Bottomtocker Snoopadoop Fimblewimble Jones the Annoying, and, umm, I'm a...warrior of darkness?"
Darth K'Trava 10-23-03, 06:22 PM	Originally posted by RLWilde A non-human Blackguard enters... this seems to be some otherworldly creature, perhaps Awakened by a evil druid for some dark purpose. The gathering waits for the newcomer to speak his (her? its?) name, so we can truly assess whether the name is "bad" or not. Finally, the creature speaks... "Pika?" :rofl: I'd rather have Blackguard Pikachu than Blackguard Barney the dinosaur any day. Ugh!
Ralastar 10-24-03, 01:22 PM	All fall silent as a vile but somehow eerily cheery vampiric halfing walks into the group. He approaches the facilitator, leaning on his strange staff topped with an inverted-Y spanned by a band of blackened human flesh. "Hello, I am Thistlereed Evilguy and I would like some forms to fill out to be included in this gathering of darkness." He; seemingly innocently, pockets the desk into a portable hole he is carrying as he continues. "The forces of good never tremble at my name as they should. Is there something that I am doing wrong here? I grow so tired of impaling them on my hoopak in a bloody rage. I just want them to know that I am a person too, and that I deserve some proper respect", he says as a tear comes to his childlike eyes.
Meow Mix 10-28-03, 06:50 AM	A new day arrives, and our blackguards once again meet for another support group session. Many are found looking about for their esteemed weaponry. Have they misplaced them? No, they have not, thanks to the arrival of our new friend, Thistlereed Evilguy... ;) <Facilitator> Cheery. "Good morning, everyone! Today is a GREAT day to be together, and share our hearts and feelings! I feel so good today, that I think we-" The Facilitator is interrupted by a group of newcomer blackguards, who stumble through the door with confusion. <New Blackguard 1> Gruffly. "Hmm... They're not familiar..." <Facilitator> "Oh me, oh my! New friends? Welcome to the Blackguards-with-Bad-Names Support Group!" <New Blackguard 2> "What? Then this IS the wrong place." He bolsters up. "We are from the Blackguards-With-Cool-Names Support Group." <Katrina> "Uh, hello? Why do you, like, need, like, a support group and like, stuff?" <NB 1> "Because, our names are so cool, people from all around flock to us because of our... coolness." <NB 2> "I am Undrakor, Son of the Vile Ravel Puzzlewell, First Lord of Corruption, Prime Seat of the Abyss." <NB 3> A female gnome with shiny, ebony armor, bleeding black eyes, and an aura that puts out the lights emerges. She speaks, with a radiating, terrifying voice likened unto a combination of demonic wailing, vile growling, screeching echoes, and the crying of the gods. "I am Ivaneshal, Daughter of the Night, first-born of the Dark Earth, Render of Souls, Hunter of the Gods of Light!" <NB 1> "And I am the one without a name, but has been given names by those who have died by my hand. I am the one they call Sin Incarnate, I am the one they call Thrice-Damned, the Child of Visciousness, Son of the Nine Hells, He-Who-Makes-the-Planes-Tremble-" <Thistlereed Evilguy> "So, you, ah, don't... HAVE a name?" The world goes quiet as the bold remark escapes the deadened lips of the tiny halfling. <Thrice-Damned, Son of Nine Hells, blah blah blah> Reaches for some ungodly weapon he owns. "INFIDEL!! You shall PAY for your-" Looks at his side, patting for an apparently absent weapon. <Shoeglue Cranksnapper Bottomtocker Snoopadoop Fimblewimble Jones the Annoying> Strikes up a conversation with Undrakor. "So, why do you really need a support group? You're fine on your own..." <Undrakor> Rolls his eyes. "Well, it's like this. My popularity carries around the planes, and, well, you know, along with whiny followers you get these self-righteous paladin people. But the annoying part is, once they see who I am, it's like, they automatically forsake their gods and duties and automatically tail along, and soon it becomes a herd of fallen paladins and turned clerics. It gets incredibly irritating. I can't handle all that polished, white armor..." <Thrice-Damned> "WHERE DID YOU PUT MY SWORD, CHILD?!" <Thistlereed> Pulls a weapon out of his ear. "Well, what have we here? A holy avenger? Are you really a blackguard?" <Undrakor> "... and we all have that SAME problem. I had to disguise myself as a disgusting little Pelorite to escape. For now, at least. You don't know how hard it is, trying to topple a country while being beset by couriers with missives from 241 different fan club presidents..." <Facilitator> "Okay people, let's get calm, here. Breathe in, breathe out. Peace, calm, happy... Mr. Thrice-Damned, I know we all share the same evil hearts, but please don't skewer Mr. Evilguy with his own hoopak. Horatio, the foam bat is not a vorpal weapon..." <Undrakor> "... and then there's my mom. You know her? Ravel Puzzlewell? She's from the Gray Waste, lovely summer home there. Anyway, she keeps bothering me about visiting her in some stupid 'maze' with her nameless boyfriend or something, and I'm like, 'Mom, I've got SO much to do, it's crazy. I have a meeting with some pit fiends at 4, so I can't make it. You KNOW I'm allergic to your bramble gardens, and..."
Darth K'Trava 10-28-03, 06:52 PM	:rofl:
Meow Mix 10-31-03, 06:38 PM	A pair of half-orc sisters enter. <Blackguard 12> In a very eloquent manner... "Good evening. I am called Hortense the Viscious." <Blackguard 13> Snorts crudely. "Me Gertrude."
Adrez Nesnsid 04-27-04, 04:07 PM	This is hilarious:heehee :rofl: :rofl: :bow: :rofl: :rofl: :heehee :bump:
Black Kitten 04-27-04, 04:22 PM	<blackguard #pi>: *entering, speaking in a low voice* hello... I am... I am... they call me... *sobs softly* <facilitator>: Yes, yes... Just tell us... <blackguard>: They call me snowwhite... because of my skin... *cries loudly* Do you know how HORRIBLE it is to have Gnomes will glass coffins follow you everywhere?
Grayson 04-27-04, 05:55 PM	"Charmaigne, put the pit fiend back where it came from, please... please?..." Heheh
Roland the Crownbreaker 04-27-04, 06:14 PM	"Greetings. I am Doom. Yor Doom."
Darth K'Trava 04-27-04, 07:03 PM	A new, short blackguard walks in and says that her name is........ "Bubbles".
Ogre4Hire 04-27-04, 07:27 PM	<A massive ogre kicks the door in while waving a club!> Me will smash your face! <He looks around the room, pauses, looks again.> Wait a minute... <He digs a card out of his pocket and looks at it.> No wonder, I've got the wrong address. Sorry about that. Oh, and you should move that bookshelf about six inches to the left. It's bad feng shui. <He leaves.>
Black Kitten 04-28-04, 06:25 AM	<facilitator>: Snowwhite, could you please put your gnomes back in your bag of holding, they are blinding me when I cast "Detect Good" *grin*
Utumno 04-28-04, 06:46 PM	A tall, thin, handsome well dressed blacguard enters the room and looks the crow over paying special attention to the male blackguards. He cocks a suggestive eyebrow at horatio and mumbles something about spicy tacos. "Hi all, is this the black guards with bad names support group?" he lisps. <facilitator> yes it is and who might you be? "Bruce the limp wristed, by the way I love those shoes!!!"
Drake Dragonslayer 04-29-04, 09:15 AM	LMAO. So funny.
Meow Mix 06-27-04, 07:13 AM	<Facilitator> hugs each of the blackguards happily. "Welcome back to the Blackguards-With-Bad-Names support group! I'm sure that was a rather lengthy summer vacation hiatus with the planar invasion and all. I see some old friends amongst ourselves, as well as a few new faces. And speaking of new faces, I would like to take the time now to have our new fellows to introduce themselves." :angel: <Blackguard 15> In an annoying, whiny, soprano, grating voice. "I'm Cecil the Unbearable." Gets hit on the back of the head by a flying, severed hand. "Hey! Stop that!!" :weep: :tantrum: <Blackguard 16> A lightly armored, ebony-skinned illithid stands, and prepares to speak vocally - not telepathically - in common (rather sloppily) to hear. "I'vphpbbt heard frlrlrom my minionspspsp thlhlhat thispspsp grlrlroup makespsps fbbpun ofbbp namespspsp. My name ispsp O'Wado Puttspspspiam (O'Wado Puttsiam)." :88E: <Pikachu> Laughs and points. "Pika! Heeheehee... Pika!" <Bubbles> "What kind of a weird name is that?!" <O'Wado Puttsiam> Quickdraws a +7 Teletubby of Disruption, instantly slays Pikachu, and mind blasts Bubbles. <Bubbles> Head instantaneously explodes without warning, showering everyone with blood, bits of brain, and tufts of blond hair. (Everyone gawks, stupefied, at the mind flayer) :eek: :eek: :eek: <Thistlereed Evilyguy> Deftly pockets the +7 Teletubby of Disruption. <Facilitator> "Now now, O'Wado, that was not very nice. We're not here to make fun of your name. We're here to provide love and support for those evildoers having a hard time with life's difficulties. It's okay to have a bad name, because all that matters is what is in our black little hearts." Stands up on a soapbox. "You see, friends, when we slay others arbitrarily, mete out random shocking violence, and torture our subjects for non-existent crimes, we all get a warm, wicked feeling inside - and it doesn't have anything to do with names, but with the fact that we are blackguards, and bad names or not, we are here to stay." Looks around the room. "Charmaigne has been absent for quite a long time. Has anyone seen him?" <Horatio> "Last I saw him was at the planar invasion battle... he was beset upon by Pelorite solars, planetars, archons, clerics, and paladins. But I have not gained any tangible evidence that says he's dead or-" Immediately stands up, beheads someone for no apparent reason, and sits back down. "... Alive." <Facilitator> "Horatio, the bat is supposed to have the foam covering on. And please don't use it as a vorpal weapon." Turns to O'Wado Puttsiam. "O'Wado, I know that the way illithids speak vocally is... different from most others, so I would like you to speak with your mind. That way, it will be easier for us to understand, okay?" <Cecil> "Hey! Why are you ignoring me?!" :tantrum: <O'Wado> blinks, then turns around and explodes Buttercup's head with another mind blast of doom. <Facilitator> "No, O'Wado, don't talk with your mind blast. Talk with your mind voice, the one you use to talk with." <O'Wado> Oh. Like this? <Facilitator> "Yes, yes, that's very good!" <Cecil> Starts crying. "Hey! Stop ignoring me!! I'm over here!!!" :weep: :tantrum: :mad:
Qit el-Remel 06-28-04, 04:14 AM	Want awful blackguard names? Read Exalted: The Abyssals. Yeah, it's not D&D, but even so. :D -Qit
Red_Rapida 06-28-04, 11:18 AM	rofl, this is hilarious. I love the vorpal bat, and the mind flayer!
deceptive_alias 06-28-04, 09:56 PM	And the door opens again, the assembled Blackguards looking to the newcomer... not seeing him... looking down. "The name's Bun. Bun bun." Ka-CLICK
Meow Mix 06-29-04, 03:42 AM	<Blackguard 18> Enters shortly after Bun-Bun. "Don't you worry. My name's Bun. James Bun." :cool: <O'Waddo Puttsiam> Immediately mind blasts James Bun so hard that his entire body explodes avariciously all over the room.
AquateenFlayer 06-29-04, 05:55 AM	Giant 8 foot spider wearing a diper busts in. "Yo YO YO MCpeepants in the hizouse. Lets get this party started yall!" :b: Faliure is only proof that you were stupid enough to start on something you can't finish. -The Necromancer :b:
Qit el-Remel 09-27-04, 05:00 AM	Shards of Angst-Ridden Eiderdown rains DOOOOOOM upon theeeeeeee! -Qit