D&D Punning [Archive] - Wizards Community

D&D Punning [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Asta Kask
05-13-05, 01:45 PM If you take a ranger and give him boots of flight, does he become an airborne ranger?
PrinceAzar
05-13-05, 01:48 PM What do you call the fighter in full metal plate against the dragon?

Canned Meat :D
Board_Rider
05-13-05, 02:28 PM If you take a ranger and give him boots of flight, does he become an airborne ranger?
Not unless he goes to Ranger school and completes Airborne school at Ft. Benning.
If not he may just be a "five jump chump" doing time with the 82nd.
Draco Strang
05-13-05, 02:33 PM Not unless he goes to Ranger school and completes Airborne school at Ft. Benning.
If not he may just be a "five jump chump" doing time with the 82nd.
Can you tell that he was in the Army for 4 years?
Board_Rider
05-13-05, 02:39 PM Can you tell that he was in the Army for 4 years?
I was in the Army for four years? Huh.
Draco Strang
05-13-05, 02:47 PM I was in the Army for four years? Huh.
I'm not suprised. They teach you to kill, not count.
Syrus The Red
05-13-05, 03:04 PM :w00t:
MaxDog
05-13-05, 03:53 PM Wiz: Wow! Did you see Grizelda Ironarm take out those two orcs with one blow? She was incredible!

Rogue: Yeah, I always thought that dwarf has nice cleavage.
Herald@Large
05-13-05, 07:18 PM Q: Why did the druid get rid of his horse?
A: No matter what he told it to do, it always said "Neigh!" :P
Bane
05-13-05, 08:04 PM Other than a couple of double entendres about longspears, I've got nothing. :D
crazysamaritan
05-13-05, 09:13 PM Suppose you have an awakened chicken sorcereress attacked by a red slaad. The resulting green slaad is then marooned on a dune-covered isle, where she becomes a Queen of the Wild who dabbles in witchcraft. And thus you have....

a chicken slaad sand witch
:D
feartheinvinceblehamster
05-13-05, 09:38 PM Other than a couple of double entendres about longspears, I've got nothing. :D

and some of the unnamed, no charge items resembling maces!
SnowbearK
05-14-05, 12:37 AM Which reminds me of the NE cleric's answer to a poor farmer, who's only son was dying of a flesh eating virus...

"Spare the rod and spoil the child."
Voila!
05-23-05, 03:02 PM If you like puns, read Piers Anthony's Xanth series. In later novels, the number of puns is virtually limitless! Then, once you do so, help me out in my thread of Xanth material (no link handy, should be somewhere along here).
Illion the Red
05-23-05, 03:35 PM Go ahead, Monk. Make my day...
CrossUMT
05-24-05, 07:08 PM "I've gone rogue"
The rogue of the party after having both levelled and run away with our gold.
Meshakhad
05-24-05, 11:04 PM PCs: We will defeat you!
BBEG: Yeah, like when pigs fly!
Sorceror: *casts fly on the druid's dire boar companion*
the Horc
05-24-05, 11:27 PM Okay, here's a good one that actually happened...

I was running an underwater Faerun campaign. The character of one of my players' is a hulking idiotic brute of a guy. He also owns a sentient sword. So, when the Illithid BBEG proceeds to Ego Whip him into submission, the paladin sword (the sword is a paladin) proceeds to take control of his inert body. The other players were concerned over this turn of events. They asked if he was able to fight.

To this, the sword responded:

"Don't worry, I can handle myself".

*rimshot*
Flakster
05-25-05, 12:19 AM Ok, ok, ok, what do you get when you cross a human with a dragon...

A half-dragon!!

Hahahahah! Ha... ha... ha........ Ooh, my life is meaningless.
DaveReaves
05-25-05, 06:00 PM Voila has the right idea about Xanth, pun filled goodness.

DWARF: That Azer chick is hot.
ELF: Ugh...

---

Warrior Polymorphed into a squirl: "Aw, nuts"

---

I knew a holy man once, who never wore shoes in his life. He thought that indulding in good food was a sin so he only ate beans. He practiced martial arts as a form of meditation and refused to brush his teeth because because toothpasete was "unnatural".

He was a super-callused flatulent monk with halitosis.
Endarire
05-25-05, 07:08 PM "Built Dwarf tough!"

These can easily be adapted to D&D.

"These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." -from http://www.bannister.org/humour/00000062.htm.

-EE
RDQ
05-26-05, 02:08 AM If you like puns, read Piers Anthony's Xanth series. In later novels, the number of puns is virtually limitless! Then, once you do so, help me out in my thread of Xanth material (no link handy, should be somewhere along here).

This series is awsome, a must read if you love puns.
Lael
05-26-05, 08:10 PM Not exactly a pun, but this came out of our last role playing session.

"Do I have a funny feeling in my palladin?"

Guess you may have had to be there :D
Seeker95
05-26-05, 08:46 PM How many plusses does a spoon need to allow you to eat a black pudding?

Can a vegetarian mind flayer eat shambling mound and treant brains?

How many pixies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I'll be damned if I know how they get in there.
captainswift
05-26-05, 10:24 PM What do mind flayers and beholder pack to eat on the road?

Aber-rations.
ReivaxZerai
05-27-05, 12:31 AM How do you break a goblin's finger?
Punch him in the nose.

Two orcs walking through the wasteland, come across a pile of dung.
"What's that?" says one
The other bends over and sticks his nose in it. "Smells like poop!", says he then, squishes his fingers in it, "Feels like poop!", licks his hairy, dirt-encrusted forefinger, furls his brow, "Yucch! tastes like poop!"
He wipes the rest on his leather trousers, and with a smile on his face says, "Damn good thing I didn't step in it!"

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Asta Kask 05-13-05, 01:45 PM	If you take a ranger and give him boots of flight, does he become an airborne ranger?
PrinceAzar 05-13-05, 01:48 PM	What do you call the fighter in full metal plate against the dragon? Canned Meat :D
Board_Rider 05-13-05, 02:28 PM	If you take a ranger and give him boots of flight, does he become an airborne ranger? Not unless he goes to Ranger school and completes Airborne school at Ft. Benning. If not he may just be a "five jump chump" doing time with the 82nd.
Draco Strang 05-13-05, 02:33 PM	Not unless he goes to Ranger school and completes Airborne school at Ft. Benning. If not he may just be a "five jump chump" doing time with the 82nd. Can you tell that he was in the Army for 4 years?
Board_Rider 05-13-05, 02:39 PM	Can you tell that he was in the Army for 4 years? I was in the Army for four years? Huh.
Draco Strang 05-13-05, 02:47 PM	I was in the Army for four years? Huh. I'm not suprised. They teach you to kill, not count.
Syrus The Red 05-13-05, 03:04 PM	:w00t:
MaxDog 05-13-05, 03:53 PM	Wiz: Wow! Did you see Grizelda Ironarm take out those two orcs with one blow? She was incredible! Rogue: Yeah, I always thought that dwarf has nice cleavage.
Herald@Large 05-13-05, 07:18 PM	Q: Why did the druid get rid of his horse? A: No matter what he told it to do, it always said "Neigh!" :P
Bane 05-13-05, 08:04 PM	Other than a couple of double entendres about longspears, I've got nothing. :D
crazysamaritan 05-13-05, 09:13 PM	Suppose you have an awakened chicken sorcereress attacked by a red slaad. The resulting green slaad is then marooned on a dune-covered isle, where she becomes a Queen of the Wild who dabbles in witchcraft. And thus you have.... a chicken slaad sand witch :D
feartheinvinceblehamster 05-13-05, 09:38 PM	Other than a couple of double entendres about longspears, I've got nothing. :D and some of the unnamed, no charge items resembling maces!
SnowbearK 05-14-05, 12:37 AM	Which reminds me of the NE cleric's answer to a poor farmer, who's only son was dying of a flesh eating virus... "Spare the rod and spoil the child."
Voila! 05-23-05, 03:02 PM	If you like puns, read Piers Anthony's Xanth series. In later novels, the number of puns is virtually limitless! Then, once you do so, help me out in my thread of Xanth material (no link handy, should be somewhere along here).
Illion the Red 05-23-05, 03:35 PM	Go ahead, Monk. Make my day...
CrossUMT 05-24-05, 07:08 PM	"I've gone rogue" The rogue of the party after having both levelled and run away with our gold.
Meshakhad 05-24-05, 11:04 PM	PCs: We will defeat you! BBEG: Yeah, like when pigs fly! Sorceror: casts fly on the druid's dire boar companion
the Horc 05-24-05, 11:27 PM	Okay, here's a good one that actually happened... I was running an underwater Faerun campaign. The character of one of my players' is a hulking idiotic brute of a guy. He also owns a sentient sword. So, when the Illithid BBEG proceeds to Ego Whip him into submission, the paladin sword (the sword is a paladin) proceeds to take control of his inert body. The other players were concerned over this turn of events. They asked if he was able to fight. To this, the sword responded: "Don't worry, I can handle myself". rimshot
Flakster 05-25-05, 12:19 AM	Ok, ok, ok, what do you get when you cross a human with a dragon... A half-dragon!! Hahahahah! Ha... ha... ha........ Ooh, my life is meaningless.
DaveReaves 05-25-05, 06:00 PM	Voila has the right idea about Xanth, pun filled goodness. DWARF: That Azer chick is hot. ELF: Ugh... --- Warrior Polymorphed into a squirl: "Aw, nuts" --- I knew a holy man once, who never wore shoes in his life. He thought that indulding in good food was a sin so he only ate beans. He practiced martial arts as a form of meditation and refused to brush his teeth because because toothpasete was "unnatural". He was a super-callused flatulent monk with halitosis.
Endarire 05-25-05, 07:08 PM	"Built Dwarf tough!" These can easily be adapted to D&D. "These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." -from http://www.bannister.org/humour/00000062.htm. -EE
RDQ 05-26-05, 02:08 AM	If you like puns, read Piers Anthony's Xanth series. In later novels, the number of puns is virtually limitless! Then, once you do so, help me out in my thread of Xanth material (no link handy, should be somewhere along here). This series is awsome, a must read if you love puns.
Lael 05-26-05, 08:10 PM	Not exactly a pun, but this came out of our last role playing session. "Do I have a funny feeling in my palladin?" Guess you may have had to be there :D
Seeker95 05-26-05, 08:46 PM	How many plusses does a spoon need to allow you to eat a black pudding? Can a vegetarian mind flayer eat shambling mound and treant brains? How many pixies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I'll be damned if I know how they get in there.
captainswift 05-26-05, 10:24 PM	What do mind flayers and beholder pack to eat on the road? Aber-rations.
ReivaxZerai 05-27-05, 12:31 AM	How do you break a goblin's finger? Punch him in the nose. Two orcs walking through the wasteland, come across a pile of dung. "What's that?" says one The other bends over and sticks his nose in it. "Smells like poop!", says he then, squishes his fingers in it, "Feels like poop!", licks his hairy, dirt-encrusted forefinger, furls his brow, "Yucch! tastes like poop!" He wipes the rest on his leather trousers, and with a smile on his face says, "Damn good thing I didn't step in it!"