D&D Standup [Archive] - Wizards Community

D&D Standup [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
BraveSirPatrick
08-18-05, 09:29 AM This is something I wrote when I couldn't get my players to return my emails. It was meant to get their attention. I think most of it is funny, but not all of them can be gems. Please add your own!

Kwanji dons his looted leisure suit and steps up to magical microphone

Kwanji: Wow, my fellow adventurer's mama is so fat!
Citizens of Greyhawk: How fat is she?
Kwanji: She's so fat, she's got a negative base reflex save!

Kwanji: She's a big, big women.
Citizens of Geoff: How big is she?
Kwanji: She so big, she uses a drawbridge for a buckler!

Kwanji: Heironeous, is she fat.
Citizens of Waterdeep: How fat is she?
Kwanji: The bltch casts heroes' feast, at will!

Kwanji: I mean the women is fat.
Denizens of the City of Brass: How fat is she?
Kwanji: She jumped in the Elemental Plane of Air, and got stuck!

Kwanji: I'm telling you she's fat.
Citizens of Sigil: How fat is she?
Kwanji: When she sits around the infinite planes of the abyss, she sits around the infinite planes of the abyss.

Kwanji: She's a biiiig women.
Tower of High Sorcery Students: How big is she?
Kwanji: The Githyanki built a citadel on her ass!

Kwanji: Damn, she's fat
Court of Orcus: How fat is she?
Kwanji: She took Deformity (Obese) as her fighter bonus feat... three times!

Kwanji: Can't you see she's fat.
Drow of Menzoberanzen: How fat is she?
Kwanji: The bltch's got maximum ranks, Skill Focus, and Greater Skill Focus in Craft (Macaroni & Cheese)

Kwanji: And ugly too.
Necromancer's minions: How ugly is she?
Kwanji: She's so ugly, undead turn her!

Kwanji: She's so ugly.
Illithid Slavers: How ugly is she?
Kwanji: Beholders won't even look at her!

Kwanji: And Pelor is she stupid.
Circle of Eight: How stupid is she?
Kwanji: She thought Mordenkainen's Lucubration was an ointment!

Kwanji: A stupid, stupid women.
Tinker Gnomes of Mount Nevermind: How stupid is she?
Kwanji: She thought burning hands was a venereal disease!

Kwanji: What a dumb women.
Dragons of Krynn: How dumb is she?
Kwanji: She's still looking for an unseen servant!

Kwanji: You wouldn't believe how stupid.
Citizen's of Homlett: How stupid is she?
Kwanji: She fell for "pull my finger of death"

Kwanji: She is soooo stupid.
Mul of Athas: How stupid is she?
Kwanji: The women thinks Transmute Rock to Mud is a suppository!

Kwanji: A did I mention she was poor?
Kobolds of the Sunless Citadel: How poor is she?
Kwanji: The :censored: got a screened dimension door!

Kwanji: The women is sooo poor.
Red Wizards of Thay: How poor is she?
Kwanji: The women tithes with food stamps!

Kwanji: And heavens is she old.
Oerth Pantheon: How old is she?
Kwanji: She's so old, she owes St. Cuthbert a gold piece!

Kwanji: I mean she's OLD
Scarlet Brotherhood: How old is she?
Kwanji: She's so old, she use to date Vecna's older brother!

Thanks that's all I have for you tonight. Remember to tip your bar wenches and please... try the slaad bar!
CzarGarrett
08-18-05, 09:42 AM Riiiight.....
BraveSirPatrick
08-18-05, 09:47 AM Yes. It doesn't take much to get me going! :D
Archangel_James
08-18-05, 02:44 PM I think the format could be a bit more fluid, but the content is solid. I especially like the slaad bar bit.
Board_Rider
08-18-05, 04:17 PM Its a good thing that those fantasy people have good senses of humor. I would give my player an A for effort but still make that Perform:Standup or Proffession:Comedian roll automatically fail.

C'mon, fat jokes?
Those are as bad as any Britney Spears songs....times a million. Yeah. That bad.
Again, A for effort, F for follow through.
Orayn, Elvish Blademaster
08-18-05, 04:17 PM Low Funny Rating + Masked Profanity = :rolleyes:
Jagyr Ebonwood
08-18-05, 04:48 PM :nonono:
People still tell fat jokes? Bleah.
Shadow Weaver
08-18-05, 04:57 PM My latest gaming joke (based on anti-smoking campaigns):

"Thac0 is whack-o if you're AC. Kids, don't play Second Edition."

I know it's lame, but it'll probably wind up on a T-shirt somewhere.
sedrorovin murghurobag
08-18-05, 06:03 PM Its a good thing that those fantasy people have good senses of humor. I would give my player an A for effort but still make that Perform:Standup or Proffession:Comedian roll automatically fail.

C'mon, fat jokes?
Those are as bad as any Britney Spears songs....times a million. Yeah. That bad.
Again, A for effort, F for follow through.

Sounds like someone needs a trip to the slaad bar.
Board_Rider
08-19-05, 12:35 AM Sounds like someone needs a trip to the slaad bar.

Oh I have been there and ya know what? Ain't all that bad..especially with the breadsticks.
Careful though while the Green Slaad is good watch out for the Red Slaad on the back end. Ouch.
Callahan
08-19-05, 01:04 AM How many people does it take to forge a Katana?

one person to mine the ore,
one person to to refine the ore,
25 people to argue for a month on whether or not it should do 1d10 or 1d8 damage,
2 mods to lock the thread,
5 people to start a new thread about the exact same discussion,
the same 25 people that were in the argument to join the new topics and continue their debate,
5 new people that can can no longer take madness of the debate and beg everyone to stop,
20 new people that have failed to read the earlier debate and disregarding the pleas to stop,
3 more mods to start locking the threads,
1 guy to make a joke of it,
2 guys that will no doubt find flaws in the joke,
5 bitted debaters to make snide remarks at the joke writer's expense,
over 500,000 players that spend more time playing the game then arguing,
and one person to forge the katana.
SnowbearK
08-19-05, 01:35 AM This is something I wrote when I couldn't get my players to return my emails. It was meant to get their attention. I think most of it is funny, but not all of them can be gems. Please add your own!
[/I]

Run away. Just....run....

:P
jazzman831
08-19-05, 02:34 AM Generally I like it.
melp
08-19-05, 02:55 AM 25 people to argue for a month on whether or not it should do 1d10 or 1d8 damage

Well, I'm not sure if this rule has been updated, but fron what i recall from Rogukan, is that a katana is basically an exotic bastard sword(which is always masterwork due to crafting).

Anyway, I thought this was a good chuckle, wish my PCs could be this creative. Their first option is to always "break it," doesn't matter what it is. They're so dumb, they thought "bugbear" meant poke it with a stick repeatedly. They're so slow witted, a group of kobolds sold them their own pack mule. They thought "fireball" was the name of a new sport.
Okay, no more of my lame attempt at these one-liners...
Callahan
08-19-05, 03:18 AM they thought "bugbear" meant poke it with a stick repeatedly.
funny thing... I always thought as a n00b that the Bug Bear was an insectoid bear.
ajmastrean
08-19-05, 02:34 PM @BraveSirPatrick
I don't care what anyone else says, I liked it!

@Everyone Else
Come on now, it may not have been funny in normal terms but the delivery, setup, and the use of pun was excellent. It was simple and delightful.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
BraveSirPatrick 08-18-05, 09:29 AM	This is something I wrote when I couldn't get my players to return my emails. It was meant to get their attention. I think most of it is funny, but not all of them can be gems. Please add your own! Kwanji dons his looted leisure suit and steps up to magical microphone Kwanji: Wow, my fellow adventurer's mama is so fat! Citizens of Greyhawk: How fat is she? Kwanji: She's so fat, she's got a negative base reflex save! Kwanji: She's a big, big women. Citizens of Geoff: How big is she? Kwanji: She so big, she uses a drawbridge for a buckler! Kwanji: Heironeous, is she fat. Citizens of Waterdeep: How fat is she? Kwanji: The bltch casts heroes' feast, at will! Kwanji: I mean the women is fat. Denizens of the City of Brass: How fat is she? Kwanji: She jumped in the Elemental Plane of Air, and got stuck! Kwanji: I'm telling you she's fat. Citizens of Sigil: How fat is she? Kwanji: When she sits around the infinite planes of the abyss, she sits around the infinite planes of the abyss. Kwanji: She's a biiiig women. Tower of High Sorcery Students: How big is she? Kwanji: The Githyanki built a citadel on her ass! Kwanji: Damn, she's fat Court of Orcus: How fat is she? Kwanji: She took Deformity (Obese) as her fighter bonus feat... three times! Kwanji: Can't you see she's fat. Drow of Menzoberanzen: How fat is she? Kwanji: The bltch's got maximum ranks, Skill Focus, and Greater Skill Focus in Craft (Macaroni & Cheese) Kwanji: And ugly too. Necromancer's minions: How ugly is she? Kwanji: She's so ugly, undead turn her! Kwanji: She's so ugly. Illithid Slavers: How ugly is she? Kwanji: Beholders won't even look at her! Kwanji: And Pelor is she stupid. Circle of Eight: How stupid is she? Kwanji: She thought Mordenkainen's Lucubration was an ointment! Kwanji: A stupid, stupid women. Tinker Gnomes of Mount Nevermind: How stupid is she? Kwanji: She thought burning hands was a venereal disease! Kwanji: What a dumb women. Dragons of Krynn: How dumb is she? Kwanji: She's still looking for an unseen servant! Kwanji: You wouldn't believe how stupid. Citizen's of Homlett: How stupid is she? Kwanji: She fell for "pull my finger of death" Kwanji: She is soooo stupid. Mul of Athas: How stupid is she? Kwanji: The women thinks Transmute Rock to Mud is a suppository! Kwanji: A did I mention she was poor? Kobolds of the Sunless Citadel: How poor is she? Kwanji: The :censored: got a screened dimension door! Kwanji: The women is sooo poor. Red Wizards of Thay: How poor is she? Kwanji: The women tithes with food stamps! Kwanji: And heavens is she old. Oerth Pantheon: How old is she? Kwanji: She's so old, she owes St. Cuthbert a gold piece! Kwanji: I mean she's OLD Scarlet Brotherhood: How old is she? Kwanji: She's so old, she use to date Vecna's older brother! Thanks that's all I have for you tonight. Remember to tip your bar wenches and please... try the slaad bar!
CzarGarrett 08-18-05, 09:42 AM	Riiiight.....
BraveSirPatrick 08-18-05, 09:47 AM	Yes. It doesn't take much to get me going! :D
Archangel_James 08-18-05, 02:44 PM	I think the format could be a bit more fluid, but the content is solid. I especially like the slaad bar bit.
Board_Rider 08-18-05, 04:17 PM	Its a good thing that those fantasy people have good senses of humor. I would give my player an A for effort but still make that Perform:Standup or Proffession:Comedian roll automatically fail. C'mon, fat jokes? Those are as bad as any Britney Spears songs....times a million. Yeah. That bad. Again, A for effort, F for follow through.
Orayn, Elvish Blademaster 08-18-05, 04:17 PM	Low Funny Rating + Masked Profanity = :rolleyes:
Jagyr Ebonwood 08-18-05, 04:48 PM	:nonono: People still tell fat jokes? Bleah.
Shadow Weaver 08-18-05, 04:57 PM	My latest gaming joke (based on anti-smoking campaigns): "Thac0 is whack-o if you're AC. Kids, don't play Second Edition." I know it's lame, but it'll probably wind up on a T-shirt somewhere.
sedrorovin murghurobag 08-18-05, 06:03 PM	Its a good thing that those fantasy people have good senses of humor. I would give my player an A for effort but still make that Perform:Standup or Proffession:Comedian roll automatically fail. C'mon, fat jokes? Those are as bad as any Britney Spears songs....times a million. Yeah. That bad. Again, A for effort, F for follow through. Sounds like someone needs a trip to the slaad bar.
Board_Rider 08-19-05, 12:35 AM	Sounds like someone needs a trip to the slaad bar. Oh I have been there and ya know what? Ain't all that bad..especially with the breadsticks. Careful though while the Green Slaad is good watch out for the Red Slaad on the back end. Ouch.
Callahan 08-19-05, 01:04 AM	How many people does it take to forge a Katana? one person to mine the ore, one person to to refine the ore, 25 people to argue for a month on whether or not it should do 1d10 or 1d8 damage, 2 mods to lock the thread, 5 people to start a new thread about the exact same discussion, the same 25 people that were in the argument to join the new topics and continue their debate, 5 new people that can can no longer take madness of the debate and beg everyone to stop, 20 new people that have failed to read the earlier debate and disregarding the pleas to stop, 3 more mods to start locking the threads, 1 guy to make a joke of it, 2 guys that will no doubt find flaws in the joke, 5 bitted debaters to make snide remarks at the joke writer's expense, over 500,000 players that spend more time playing the game then arguing, and one person to forge the katana.
SnowbearK 08-19-05, 01:35 AM	This is something I wrote when I couldn't get my players to return my emails. It was meant to get their attention. I think most of it is funny, but not all of them can be gems. Please add your own! [/I] Run away. Just....run.... :P
jazzman831 08-19-05, 02:34 AM	Generally I like it.
melp 08-19-05, 02:55 AM	25 people to argue for a month on whether or not it should do 1d10 or 1d8 damage Well, I'm not sure if this rule has been updated, but fron what i recall from Rogukan, is that a katana is basically an exotic bastard sword(which is always masterwork due to crafting). Anyway, I thought this was a good chuckle, wish my PCs could be this creative. Their first option is to always "break it," doesn't matter what it is. They're so dumb, they thought "bugbear" meant poke it with a stick repeatedly. They're so slow witted, a group of kobolds sold them their own pack mule. They thought "fireball" was the name of a new sport. Okay, no more of my lame attempt at these one-liners...
Callahan 08-19-05, 03:18 AM	they thought "bugbear" meant poke it with a stick repeatedly. funny thing... I always thought as a n00b that the Bug Bear was an insectoid bear.
ajmastrean 08-19-05, 02:34 PM	@BraveSirPatrick I don't care what anyone else says, I liked it! @Everyone Else Come on now, it may not have been funny in normal terms but the delivery, setup, and the use of pun was excellent. It was simple and delightful.