Post/Author/DateTime	Post
yossarius 09-22-05, 11:43 PM	1) "So, Tira Miron and a werewolf are in a tavern drinking ale. The werewolf turns to her and asks, "How could you let your people do what they've done to my people?" To which Tira replies, "You think you have it bad? Try being burned at the snake!" I know, it's a horrible groaner. If it was funny, it wouldn't be mine. Does anyone have anything better?
greatmonkey 09-23-05, 01:06 AM	2)"So, a changeling walks into a bar after a long day of swindling honest folk. He's tired and forgot to change into the look he usually has when he goes there. The bartender looks at him and says, 'Hey, why the wrong face?'" I'm terrible... :surrender
Charles Phipps 09-23-05, 01:19 AM	great thread! I salute you! Alas, my humor is a bit too long for this thread but thank you for inspiring me to post it.
greatmonkey 09-23-05, 01:27 AM	3) A skeleton walks into a bar and orders an ale and a mop.
greatmonkey 09-23-05, 01:39 AM	4) A Thrane who lived on the outskirts of Nathyrr went to the local Church of the Silver Flame for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during the Last War, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
Sereno 09-23-05, 08:59 AM	5) A kalashtar soulknife, a shifter monk, a paladin of the Silver Flame, two blonde Priestesses of Boldrei, and a talking horse walk into a bar.... The barman asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
DarkWarriorKarg 09-23-05, 09:27 AM	6) A Juggernaut walks into a bar. The barman glares at him: "Next time, use the door!"
MarkB 09-23-05, 10:01 AM	Two warforged walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have spotted it.
Sereno 09-23-05, 11:27 AM	Two warforged walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have spotted it. To quote Belkar from OOTS: "Wait. I think I just failed a spot check!" :) ---- Two warforged, a Valenar elf, and a Talenta halfling walk into a bar... the Talenta halfling doesn't even HAVE to duck! :rimshot:
getyourspotusa 09-23-05, 11:41 AM	9) So a male warforged fighter, a beautiful female human Cleric of the Sovereign host, a young-looking Talenta halfling rogue, and a tiny female pixie wizard walk into a talent agency. ... :censored: "... we like to call it The Aristocrats." :cool: (it's a movie) ;)
MrFilthyIke 09-23-05, 12:23 PM	"Should I tell her the war is over?" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
greatmonkey 09-24-05, 12:50 AM	10) After a really good party in the Firelight District of Sharn, a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a dumb Shifter joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, master with a longsword and a Shifter. My friend is 190 pounds, master of unarmed combat and is a Shifter. And my other friend is 200 pounds, has razor sharp claws and is also a Shifter. Do you still want to tell me that dumb Shifter joke?'' The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''
crinos43 09-24-05, 01:00 AM	GM: You are in the forest and you notice a piece of parchment blow across the ground. Player: I ignore the obvious plot device and move on.
greatmonkey 09-24-05, 01:22 AM	As funny as that is, crinos43, I think you missed the point of this thread. We're to make jokes that characters and NPC's and the such would say in the world of Eberron.
Lup1n3 09-24-05, 01:38 AM	10) After a really good party in the Firelight District of Sharn, a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a dumb Shifter joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, master with a longsword and a Shifter. My friend is 190 pounds, master of unarmed combat and is a Shifter. And my other friend is 200 pounds, has razor sharp claws and is also a Shifter. Do you still want to tell me that dumb Shifter joke?'' The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.'' Slightly OT but if one of my players pulled that while I was DM the next words out of my mouth would go something like this.... Suddenly the world seems a lot larger as you find yourself looking up at your stool, a coppery taste in your mouth. Roll for initiative. Oh, and you take 5 damage.
buggritall 09-24-05, 07:27 AM	I stole one from someone else. So a human fighter wearing heavy armor comes into Sharn to take a rest. He comes to the top of a tower where he's supposed to meet somebody, and already there is a halfing jumping up and down on a grate yelling. "FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN!" The fighter asks the halfling what he's doing. "Oh, you should try it, sir." replied the halfling. "It's ever so much fun!" The halfling moved off the grate to let the fighter on. "Fifteen! Fifteen!" Yelled the man as he jumped on the grate. "Higher! Louder!" came the reply from the halfling. "FIFTEEN! FIF-" At that moment, the halfing dashed forward and grabbed the metal grate away, letting the fighter plunge down. He replaced the grate where it was and continued what he was doing. "SIXTEEN! SIXTEEN!"
Lily_Knight 09-24-05, 08:25 PM	Q: A changeling and a shifter are in a carriage, who is driving? A: The City Watch.
Remiera 09-24-05, 09:17 PM	Male Artificer- Hey, I just made a new device! Gnome Bard- What, what is it? Artificer- Pull my finger. Written after learning the poison gas spell, and the artificer used his fingernail as a holding for the spell.
greatmonkey 09-24-05, 11:32 PM	15) How do you get a Shifter out of a tree? Cut the rope. You know, we could just take all the old racist jokes and make them for Eberron, but that would just be tacky...
sooperspook 09-25-05, 09:46 AM	I dont get no. 10. Is it an american thing?
Missekat 09-25-05, 06:05 PM	3) A skeleton walks into a bar and orders an ale and a mop. Make that a karrnathi trooper :-D And Sooperspook.. No. He's saying that all 3 shifters are so stupid, he would have to explain the joke to them seperately.. Kind of ironic, if you consider this post ;-9
greatmonkey 09-25-05, 06:10 PM	I dont get no. 10. Is it an american thing? It's a take on the ever popular and ever numerous "Stupid Blonde" jokes.
sooperspook 09-26-05, 01:53 AM	Oops! sorry , i meant no. 9.
greatmonkey 09-26-05, 02:59 AM	Oops! sorry , i meant no. 9. Yeah, that's one of the not-so-good ones. I don't get it either.
Missekat 09-26-05, 03:21 AM	I think you would have to have read The Order Of The Stick to get it. http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=3 This is the cartoon he is referring to :-)
Glupinickname 09-26-05, 07:11 AM	Yeah, that's one of the not-so-good ones. I don't get it either. You are talking about the "Arictocrats" joke, right? Well, small wonder it sounds lousy when the author censored entire concept of the joke. Luckily, Wikipedia is my other best frend beside the Google so here's an explanation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats). :D
getyourspotusa 09-27-05, 02:18 AM	I was referring to the Aristocrats joke. Honestly, the joke is so very... wrong... ;) that I didn't even want to start it. It was for "uber-insiders." Even putting the movie's name in it was risky. Mostly self-indulgence, really.
greatmonkey 09-27-05, 09:09 AM	After doing some research of this joke, I found out what it is. I think for most people, this joke would be extremely lame. Not knowing what the punchline means, or in what context its used, really just loses it for most people. I think the best way to explain it is to say that the joke is trying to say that those in the upper class are really messed up people. lol... But, I think this (http://www.cartmanthearistocrat.com/) will show people what the joke is like when told in person.
Vharuck 09-27-05, 09:47 AM	Player 1: "I wanna be a drow!" DM: "Well, the drow are mostly a tribal society on Xen'drik, so there really aren't any on Khorvaire..." P1: "I came to the mainland after killing the crew of a boat and piloting it myself!" DM: "... Ok then, so you have a bad history with Lyrandar after taking one of their ships, I can tie that in..." Player 2: "Wait, huh?" DM: "So, what class are you going to be?" P1: "Ranger!" DM: "Sounds good, what combat style?" P1: "Dual-wielded scimitars! And I want my animal companion to be a panther! That's so bad-ass!" P2: whispered to DM "Dude, why are you letting him be a dual-scimitar-wielding drow ranger?" DM: whispered to P2 "Shhh! It's not nice to make fun of somebody with Drow's Syndrome!"
greatmonkey 09-27-05, 10:07 AM	Player 1: "I wanna be a drow!" DM: "Well, the drow are mostly... etc... sigh... What is so hard to understand about the point of this thread. Oh well, maybe it's just as well that the OP hasn't returned.
greatmonkey 09-27-05, 10:17 AM	16) One of the Six Kings statues turns to another and says, "Quite a view, eh?" The other statue looks shocked and says, "Holy Crap! A talking statue!"
Vharuck 09-27-05, 01:10 PM	sigh... What is so hard to understand about the point of this thread. Oh well, maybe it's just as well that the OP hasn't returned. I know, I know, "In Character Jokes," but I just couldn't help myself. 17) A changeling in natural walks into an artificer's shop, points, and says, "I'd like to buy that eternal wand there." The dwarven artificer pauses from sweeping the floor, looks up at the changeling, and says, "No, I won't sell that to you, changeling." The changeling, enraged at being discriminated against, storms out of the shop. The next day, the changeling returns. However, now he has grown a thick, furry mustache, but he's otherwise still in his natural form). He walks into the same shop, points, and says (now in an obviously false gruff voice), "'Scuse me, but I'd like to buy that there eternal wand thing!" The dwarf remains behind the counter, stares at the changeling as if annoyed, and repeats, "No, I won't sell that to you, changeling." The changeling leaves, madder than ever and determined to buy the eternal wand. Before the next day, the changeling met with his cousin and together they formed the perfect disguise. In the morning, barely after the artificer's shop had opened, a distinguished-looking half-elf walked through the doorway. He wore a stunning vest of glamerweave over a finely-crafted frilled shirt. A golden circlet with what looked like a genuise Siberys dragonshard embedded in the front rested upon his head, framed by long, golden hair. With an air of superiority, the half-elf stated, "Good morning, sir dwarf. I hope the day is treating you well. I came to your shop looking for a specific item... aha! I would appreciate it if you would sell me the eternal wand sitting in the corner." Instead of pointing, he nodded his head gracefully in the direction of the object. The dwarf rubbed his face forcefully and sighed loudly in exasperation. "Dagger take you! I told you yesterday and the day before that even, you damned changeling, I won't sell that to you!" The changeling, reverting back to his natural form and throwing his hat of diguise to the ground, stomped furiously and shouted, "How could you tell it was me?" "Because you come in here every day and insist on buying my backscratcher!"
crinos43 09-28-05, 12:27 AM	As funny as that is, crinos43, I think you missed the point of this thread. We're to make jokes that characters and NPC's and the such would say in the world of Eberron. My bad. Well this was said in my Eberron game, but it could also be used in other campaign settings. "Who died and made you party leader?"
greatmonkey 09-28-05, 06:04 AM	"Who died and made you party leader?" Apparently the OP. I simply assumed command. lol... j/k... No, I'm not trying to be an ass, was just saying that we're supposed to make "real world" jokes for people to say in game. And I think this could be a really cool and useful thread. I mean, even if just bards say these jokes, atleast they're being used. And the more "racial" jokes could probably be used my any racist (speciesist? gotta love dictionary.com) character who wants to make fun of NPCs or other PCs' characters. lol...
greatmonkey 09-28-05, 06:50 AM	18) How many bards does it take to change an everburning lantern? Three. One to change it and two to write a song about how good the old everburning lantern was. 19) A farmer gets sent to jail in Breland, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?" The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my dreamlily is buried." But, because he is in jail, all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for dreamlily. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single bottle. The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."
Missekat 09-28-05, 10:19 AM	lol Thats a good one :-)
greatmonkey 10-01-05, 04:10 PM	20) What do you tell a halfling with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't already told him twice.
Drath'ri 10-02-05, 12:51 PM	21) During a very hard encounter at level one. The party consisted of a two warforged fighters, one mithril and one adamantine, A half elf bard, a changling wizard, a kalasthar monk and a human artificer. The Warforged they were fighting drops the mithril warforged and then succedds in carrying the inert mithril warforged body away. At that point when they realized that wouldnt be able to catch the warforged and return thier friends body the half elf bard turns around and says in a mournful tone... "May he rust in peace"
greatmonkey 10-02-05, 10:54 PM	21) During a very hard encounter at level one. The party consisted of a two warforged fighters, one mithril and one adamantine, A half elf bard, a changling wizard, a kalasthar monk and a human artificer. The Warforged they were fighting drops the mithril warforged and then succedds in carrying the inert mithril warforged body away. At that point when they realized that wouldnt be able to catch the warforged and return thier friends body the half elf bard turns around and says in a mournful tone... "May he rust in peace" *sigh...* I give up. This one could easily have been converted into an "in-character" style joke. I'll just let this thread fall down into the darkest mirk of the higher numbered pages... :weep:
yossarius 10-03-05, 05:06 PM	I should have commented on this sooner. Yes, the point of this thread was to write jokes that characters would tell each other, not to tell jokes about game mechanics. (That's not to say those kind of jokes aren't fuuny, though.) I'm trying to think of some more.
yossarius 05-11-06, 12:29 AM	A man walks into a magewright's shop, and starts looking around. He spies a huge golden rat figurine in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier. "The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly magewright "um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend "Well, five gold for the rat -- but 200 for the story," he replied. "I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer. He leaves the store, his precious golden rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him. Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths. The man ran back to the magewright's shop. The old magewright was chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?" "No," said the man, "but have you got any golden half-orcs?"
crinos43 05-11-06, 01:06 AM	The party is trying to figure out how to divvy up the treasure that has already been identified. The DM planned it so that eacxh party member got an item, but the fighter in the group decides for himself how the stuff should be divided. Quoth the rogue: "WHo died and made YOU party leader?"
yossarius 05-11-06, 01:45 AM	NOTE: This is NOT a thread for jokes told from the point of view of a player or DM. Therefore, crunchy game mechanics terms like 'fighter' or 'rogue' or 'DM' do not belong here. What I am looking for is something along the lines of jokes you might hear NPCs tell EACH OTHER (as the NPCs aren't supposed to know that they are not real people, the jokes should only involve Eberron's 'fluffy' background aspects). I don't understand why this is such a difficult concept.
Yare 05-11-06, 04:14 AM	I don't understand why this is such a difficult concept. Reading comprehension is becoming increasingly rare, it would seem.
The Law 05-11-06, 04:23 AM	Maybe restart the thread, and clearly indicate (in bold?) the purpose of the thread? I think it's a great idea, that 'do you think I should tell her the war is over?' joke is making it into my next game! :D
Yare 05-11-06, 04:43 AM	Why was the lizardfok so unhappy? Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.
Pan_Ai_Khan 05-11-06, 08:35 AM	OOC Bit { This actually happened in our last session - no lie! We were trying to get into a costume ball to find a bad guy.} A Warforged walks up to a Shifter, holding two parts of a pantomime donkey, one in each hand. Warforged - "I have a costume, but it requires two people. Would you like to be the front half?" Shifter - "No I would not!. Buzz off." Warforged - "Would you like to be the rear half?" Shifter - "That is even more insulting! Leave me, Tin-man." Warforged - "Then, you must be no end of an ass."
Nived 05-11-06, 10:33 AM	A elder of House Cannith living in Sharn was feeling very ill, but he didn't like to think of himself as weak so he put off going to the house of healing for quite awhile. Eventually his stomache pains grew too great and he sought out a house of healing. Now, with his standing when he finally went he was given a private room for privacy. The halfling healer poked and prodded but wasn't sure what was wrong so the healer told him, "We're going to have to run some more tests," and left the room to get more supplies. While the halfling was gone the pain intensified until finally this noble member of House Cannith 'had an accident'. Feeling terribly embarassed and shamed that someone of his power and stature could have so little control as to mess the bed he gathered up his filthy leavings before the healer returned and tossed the soiled sheets out the window high up in Sharn... Several stories below a Dwarf happened to taking a walk when yes... the unspeakable bundle hurled by the noble fell on top of him. He started cussing uproariously and flailing about. When some nearby people heard the commotion they ran over to see what was the matter to find a dwarf wrapped in a sheet and covered in... well you know. "What happened?" Someone asked. The dwarf replied, "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost!"
Endless_Helix 05-11-06, 08:07 PM	This could be somewhat offensive, but I'm sure every party has the pervy character, and this would be in the repetoir. Q:How do you castrate a Palidin of the Silver Flame? A: Kick his squire in the jaw. Q: What does Cardinal Krozen do on his days off? A: Children and Animals first, then the occasional Necropolitan. Q: How many Valenar does it take to screw in a Everbright lantern? A: As many as will fit in there, any gender.
Melvin the Mediocre 05-12-06, 12:15 PM	Q: What do you call 30 Aundarians feather falling from an air ship? A: Air pollution.
Melvin the Mediocre 05-12-06, 12:59 PM	Here's some more, but boy are they in bad taste. *Youv'e been wanred!* Q: How did the House Sivis gnome solve the problem of constipation? A: He worked it out with his pen. Q: What do you call a Warden of the Wood with the runs? A: Salad Shooter Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When a halfling walks by a shifter and says your hair smells nice.
LordofBlades 05-13-06, 05:53 PM	In two towers of Sharn far fro each other but still in yellin distance are two shifters. One in each tower. one says to the other " Hey! How did you get to the other tower?" The other replies "You Freak! You are in the other Tower ( I know that's a blonde joke)
yossarius 05-14-06, 11:11 AM	Q. What did the shifter get on his IQ test? A. Drool. People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them King Galifar said it first. Speak softly & carry a warforged titan. Halflings are living proof that gnomes once had sex with dinosaurs. Why don't you go play on the lightning rail?!? In Darguun, don't drink the water. In Sharn, don't breathe the air.