Humor: 10 Least Likely Agents of Lord of Blades [Archive] - Wizards Community

Humor: 10 Least Likely Agents of Lord of Blades [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Stouthammer
10-25-04, 02:23 AM This is just here to give you a laugh. If you thought it was funny, say so. If you didn't, you can say so too. But please don't criticize. I'm just trying to put a smile on your face.

As we all know, the Lord of Blades has several zealous warforged followers who name themselves after different types of blades. Well, the Lord of Blades has many followers and there's only so many names of blades before all the good ones are taken.

Some Warforged just aren't as fortunate as the other ones. So presented here for your perusal is

The Ten Agents of the Lord of Blades You're Least Likely To Encounter In A Dark Alleyway in Sharn

10. Boxcutter

9. Toenail Clipper

8. Whittler

7. Letter Opener

6. Maul (Some Warforged aren't gifted with as much intelligence as others)

5. Snipper

4. Butterknife

3. Tongue Scraper

2. Hoe

And the agent of the Lord of Blades that you're least likely of all to encounter in a dark alleyway in Sharn.....

Spatula
Neofish
10-25-04, 02:24 AM Spatula.... :D
Demonologist
10-25-04, 03:14 AM I like it. Kudos. But the funniest name is Maul... I love that! :D
Aris Stormdragon
10-25-04, 03:35 AM :bounce: :bounce:
Zedium
10-25-04, 06:46 AM Would Maul use a double bladed sword or something? hehe
Euangelion
10-25-04, 09:24 AM Widget, Cog, Flange, Integrated Circuit, Flux Capacitor...
The Fireballed Mage
10-25-04, 10:10 AM 11. Spoon!

12. Fork

14. Leatherman(tm)

15. Screwdriver

16. Wrench

17. Fish gutter

18. Paring knife

19. Greatsword (overcompensating for something, aren't we?)

20. Ice pick
JBW
10-25-04, 10:23 AM 20. Ice pick

I'm picturing a Savage Bard from the inner city...

Jay
Stouthammer
10-25-04, 11:13 AM Would Maul use a double bladed sword or something? hehe

Sorry. This wasn't intended as a Star Wars joke. A maul is a large wooden hammer. In D&D, a bludgeoning weapon. Hence Maul not being intelligent. He named himself after the wrong type of weapon. Double-bladed sword obscures the joke.

I'm glad people have been enjoying this ilst. i came up with it last night with a little assistance from my friend James. We were throwing out quite a few and some didn't make the list. He suggested Xacto which I almost included until I came up with Hoe.
And one that I liked that he didn't was Safety Scissors.
Euangelion
10-25-04, 11:25 AM And one that I liked that he didn't was Safety Scissors.

As in "You shouldn't hang out with that warforged. You know what they say: 'Never run with Scissors!'"?
Flack Jack
10-25-04, 11:37 AM I am actually going to use spatula. That is to good to pass up.
Warforged_316
10-25-04, 12:36 PM the rest of the army just sits there and looks@him wondering wtf he`s talkin bout

to explain his name he quotes the infomercials
Foxboy2000
10-25-04, 12:54 PM Hmm. Spatula, eh?

Spatula
Female personality Warforged FTR 2/ROG 1
{snip unnecessary statblock stuff}
Feats: Exotic Weapon Proficiency b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Improved Trip, Weapon Focus b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Arterial Strike
Possessions: +1 Cyran Battle Spatula

Cyran Battle Spatula
Two Handed Exotic Weapon
Small 1d10 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing
Medium 2d8 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing

A Cyran Battle Spatula can be used to make a trip attack. (See trip attack description under scythe, etc in PHB) However, unlike those weapons, the Spatula is shoved under the opponent and used to flip them over instead of hooking legs.
Warforged_316
10-25-04, 02:01 PM swiss army knife :D has anybody thoght of that as a weapon?
Lady Morn
10-25-04, 02:17 PM A couple for the "kill 'em with laughter" category:

1) Pinking Shears

2) Putty Knife
Beleriphon
10-25-04, 02:26 PM 21. Ginsu
22. Nail File
23. Painter's Blade
24. Screwdriver
25 Broken Bottle
MrFilthyIke
10-25-04, 03:09 PM Would the Warforged named Butter be dull? *insert bad joke music here*
SirLoin
10-25-04, 07:52 PM Chisle Chest - "Yeah I'm talkin' to you Jerky."

Crouquet Mallet - "Heeere's Johney!"

Bone-Saw - "OHHH-YEAH...Snap into a Slim Jim!"

Cricket - "My what a cute little warforged...."....qquirrrrrrlllll......BOOM!"
RatFlail OF DOOM!!!!
10-25-04, 08:00 PM 26. back scraper
27. papercut
28. SHOE!!! *EVERYONE FEAR SHOE!!!!!*
29. MATT DAIMON!!! *everyone knows hes a warforged*
30. printer
Makseb
10-25-04, 09:01 PM Thumbtack, Knitting Needle, Spork

:D
RadicalTaoist
10-25-04, 10:23 PM 2. HoeCue Ludacris music :rofl:Hmm. Spatula, eh?

Spatula
Female personality Warforged FTR 2/ROG 1
{snip unnecessary statblock stuff}
Feats: Exotic Weapon Proficiency b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Improved Trip, Weapon Focus b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Arterial Strike
Possessions: +1 Cyran Battle Spatula

Cyran Battle Spatula
Two Handed Exotic Weapon
Small 1d10 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing
Medium 2d8 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing

A Cyran Battle Spatula can be used to make a trip attack. (See trip attack description under scythe, etc in PHB) However, unlike those weapons, the Spatula is shoved under the opponent and used to flip them over instead of hooking legs.Female? Does she cook too? I'm thinking of a great anime character parody here (Ukyo Kuonji from Ranma 1/2)...
PlasmaBunny
10-25-04, 10:31 PM 31. Whisk (Whisk was created during the signing of the treaty of thronehold before it was agreed that the creation forges would be shut down, instead of having hands, they just gave him whisks so he could function in a large bakery, completely disgusted by what the humans did to him, he swears that he will whip the entire human race into submission)
Edymnion
10-25-04, 11:09 PM Sorry. This wasn't intended as a Star Wars joke. A maul is a large wooden hammer. In D&D, a bludgeoning weapon. Hence Maul not being intelligent. He named himself after the wrong type of weapon. Double-bladed sword obscures the joke. I would like to take this oppertunity to say that I play with somebody playing a WF Paladin that carries a warhammer who is named Maul.

Its a perfectly fine name for a WF. Since they get named after nicknames or for what they do, being named after a weapon or tactic seems logical to me.
Gurv
10-25-04, 11:31 PM I would like to take this oppertunity to say that I play with somebody playing a WF Paladin that carries a warhammer who is named Maul.

Its a perfectly fine name for a WF. Since they get named after nicknames or for what they do, being named after a weapon or tactic seems logical to me.
He has a warhammer named Maul?
:D
What do they call the warforged?

Sorry. Its been a long, rant-filled day.
Stouthammer
10-26-04, 02:02 AM I would like to take this oppertunity to say that I play with somebody playing a WF Paladin that carries a warhammer who is named Maul.

Its a perfectly fine name for a WF. Since they get named after nicknames or for what they do, being named after a weapon or tactic seems logical to me.

People still seem to be missing the point. The joke had to do with the Lord of Blades. Not warforged in general. The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades. It makes sense. And it's mentioned in one of the eberron adventures. It's really easy. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades. Say it with me. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades.

Okay. Now that we have that down. There's nothing wrong wth a warforged who names himself maul. That's fine. But if that warforged followed the lord of blades and named himself maul it would be funny because....a maul isn't a blade. See? It's a giant bludgeoning weapon. Not a blade. So for a name for a follower of the lord of blades it would make him kind of....stupid.

Let me know if I need to explain this in more detail.
BullyBoy
10-26-04, 05:44 AM The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades.

31. Wesley Snipes? :D
Doc Phobia
10-26-04, 07:34 AM The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades.

32. Wilkinson
33. Remington
34. Gillette
35. Schick

Or my personal favourite ...

36. Epilady

:rolleyes: :D
Beleriphon
10-26-04, 08:42 AM 36. Epilady

:heehee

Seriously, I woke up my roommat over that one.
billseurer
10-26-04, 09:20 AM The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades. It makes sense. And it's mentioned in one of the eberron adventures. It's really easy. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades. Say it with me. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades.

Some GOOD names based off of blade names:
PowerEdge 1655MC
ProLiant BL
BladeCenter
(Psi)SeveredHead
10-26-04, 09:25 AM 32. "Threek" (a three-pronged fork)
Euangelion
10-26-04, 09:53 AM Alright, alright, I'll admit to being the moron who didn't quite get the joke, so here's my attempt to make up for it...

Rusty
Alexius D'Cannith
10-26-04, 09:59 AM Fruit Knife!
SirLoin
10-26-04, 08:59 PM Blender - not to be confused with Bender.
Cleaver - From the Cleaver Family.
Ginsue - of Oriental heritage.
Cannith Opener - Ummm...I think that one had a vendictive personality.
Nimrud
10-27-04, 07:19 AM LoB recruiter: Maul, eh? Not the sharpest tool in the toolbox are ya?
:D
Andrus_Shade
10-27-04, 07:45 AM 19. Greatsword (overcompensating for something, aren't we?)

Technically he is JUST compensating for something he doesn't have. Something we enjoy reminding our warforged rogue everytime the hot artificer heals him.
Ectoplasmoid
10-27-04, 11:35 AM Who's the metal private eye
Whose battery won't ever die?
HAFT!
Ya Damn Right!

Who is the 'forged that would risk his neck
For his brother 'forged?
HAFT!
Can you dig it?

Who's the construct that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
HAFT!
Right On!

They say this cat Haft is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Haft.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!

He's a complicated 'forged
But no one understands him but his...artificer.
( :confused: wait...that's not right!)
BLADE HAFT!

(For those not in the know, a haft is a blade handle)

This isn't so much a LoB Follower, but this was the best place I could find to post this. Lyrics Copyright blah blah blah....
Radiating Gnome
10-27-04, 02:20 PM Haft.

I'm in love.

-rg :D
likuidice
10-28-04, 09:52 AM hmmm...*thinks of an edward scissorhands type warforged*
RadicalTaoist
10-28-04, 10:30 AM :rofl:
cue 70s guitar
Grynn
10-28-04, 11:02 AM Actually, I guess that the maul being referred to is a splitting maul. It is essentially a specialized axe. A splitting maul has a much heavier and broader head than an ordinary axe. It is not designed for chopping down trees; repeatedly swinging such a heavy axe sideways would exhaust even the strongest man in just a few swings. Instead it is used to split logs from end to end, using the weight of the head to drive through the logs. I know from personal experience that a splitting maul is much more effective at this task than an ordinary axe.

Or, maybe the original poster did mean it as a hammer.
ChronosCrow
10-29-04, 03:41 AM Spark Plug.

A relativly small huntchbacked warforged that doesn't really further things along for the Lord of Blades. He's mostly there for comic relief. And to cheer on his leader, Optimus Prime, I mean Lord of Blades.
Warforged_316
10-31-04, 10:35 PM short sword - the midget warforged
switch blade the skitso warforged lol

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Stouthammer 10-25-04, 02:23 AM	This is just here to give you a laugh. If you thought it was funny, say so. If you didn't, you can say so too. But please don't criticize. I'm just trying to put a smile on your face. As we all know, the Lord of Blades has several zealous warforged followers who name themselves after different types of blades. Well, the Lord of Blades has many followers and there's only so many names of blades before all the good ones are taken. Some Warforged just aren't as fortunate as the other ones. So presented here for your perusal is The Ten Agents of the Lord of Blades You're Least Likely To Encounter In A Dark Alleyway in Sharn 10. Boxcutter 9. Toenail Clipper 8. Whittler 7. Letter Opener 6. Maul (Some Warforged aren't gifted with as much intelligence as others) 5. Snipper 4. Butterknife 3. Tongue Scraper 2. Hoe And the agent of the Lord of Blades that you're least likely of all to encounter in a dark alleyway in Sharn..... Spatula
Neofish 10-25-04, 02:24 AM	Spatula.... :D
Demonologist 10-25-04, 03:14 AM	I like it. Kudos. But the funniest name is Maul... I love that! :D
Aris Stormdragon 10-25-04, 03:35 AM	:bounce: :bounce:
Zedium 10-25-04, 06:46 AM	Would Maul use a double bladed sword or something? hehe
Euangelion 10-25-04, 09:24 AM	Widget, Cog, Flange, Integrated Circuit, Flux Capacitor...
The Fireballed Mage 10-25-04, 10:10 AM	11. Spoon! 12. Fork 14. Leatherman(tm) 15. Screwdriver 16. Wrench 17. Fish gutter 18. Paring knife 19. Greatsword (overcompensating for something, aren't we?) 20. Ice pick
JBW 10-25-04, 10:23 AM	20. Ice pick I'm picturing a Savage Bard from the inner city... Jay
Stouthammer 10-25-04, 11:13 AM	Would Maul use a double bladed sword or something? hehe Sorry. This wasn't intended as a Star Wars joke. A maul is a large wooden hammer. In D&D, a bludgeoning weapon. Hence Maul not being intelligent. He named himself after the wrong type of weapon. Double-bladed sword obscures the joke. I'm glad people have been enjoying this ilst. i came up with it last night with a little assistance from my friend James. We were throwing out quite a few and some didn't make the list. He suggested Xacto which I almost included until I came up with Hoe. And one that I liked that he didn't was Safety Scissors.
Euangelion 10-25-04, 11:25 AM	And one that I liked that he didn't was Safety Scissors. As in "You shouldn't hang out with that warforged. You know what they say: 'Never run with Scissors!'"?
Flack Jack 10-25-04, 11:37 AM	I am actually going to use spatula. That is to good to pass up.
Warforged_316 10-25-04, 12:36 PM	the rest of the army just sits there and looks@him wondering wtf he`s talkin bout to explain his name he quotes the infomercials
Foxboy2000 10-25-04, 12:54 PM	Hmm. Spatula, eh? Spatula Female personality Warforged FTR 2/ROG 1 {snip unnecessary statblock stuff} Feats: Exotic Weapon Proficiency b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Improved Trip, Weapon Focus b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Arterial Strike Possessions: +1 Cyran Battle Spatula Cyran Battle Spatula Two Handed Exotic Weapon Small 1d10 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing Medium 2d8 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing A Cyran Battle Spatula can be used to make a trip attack. (See trip attack description under scythe, etc in PHB) However, unlike those weapons, the Spatula is shoved under the opponent and used to flip them over instead of hooking legs.
Warforged_316 10-25-04, 02:01 PM	swiss army knife :D has anybody thoght of that as a weapon?
Lady Morn 10-25-04, 02:17 PM	A couple for the "kill 'em with laughter" category: 1) Pinking Shears 2) Putty Knife
Beleriphon 10-25-04, 02:26 PM	21. Ginsu 22. Nail File 23. Painter's Blade 24. Screwdriver 25 Broken Bottle
MrFilthyIke 10-25-04, 03:09 PM	Would the Warforged named Butter be dull? insert bad joke music here
SirLoin 10-25-04, 07:52 PM	Chisle Chest - "Yeah I'm talkin' to you Jerky." Crouquet Mallet - "Heeere's Johney!" Bone-Saw - "OHHH-YEAH...Snap into a Slim Jim!" Cricket - "My what a cute little warforged...."....qquirrrrrrlllll......BOOM!"
RatFlail OF DOOM!!!! 10-25-04, 08:00 PM	26. back scraper 27. papercut 28. SHOE!!! EVERYONE FEAR SHOE!!!!! 29. MATT DAIMON!!! everyone knows hes a warforged 30. printer
Makseb 10-25-04, 09:01 PM	Thumbtack, Knitting Needle, Spork :D
RadicalTaoist 10-25-04, 10:23 PM	2. HoeCue Ludacris music :rofl:Hmm. Spatula, eh? Spatula Female personality Warforged FTR 2/ROG 1 {snip unnecessary statblock stuff} Feats: Exotic Weapon Proficiency b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Improved Trip, Weapon Focus b (Cyran Battle Spatula), Arterial Strike Possessions: +1 Cyran Battle Spatula Cyran Battle Spatula Two Handed Exotic Weapon Small 1d10 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing Medium 2d8 (x2) Bludgeoning or Slashing A Cyran Battle Spatula can be used to make a trip attack. (See trip attack description under scythe, etc in PHB) However, unlike those weapons, the Spatula is shoved under the opponent and used to flip them over instead of hooking legs.Female? Does she cook too? I'm thinking of a great anime character parody here (Ukyo Kuonji from Ranma 1/2)...
PlasmaBunny 10-25-04, 10:31 PM	31. Whisk (Whisk was created during the signing of the treaty of thronehold before it was agreed that the creation forges would be shut down, instead of having hands, they just gave him whisks so he could function in a large bakery, completely disgusted by what the humans did to him, he swears that he will whip the entire human race into submission)
Edymnion 10-25-04, 11:09 PM	Sorry. This wasn't intended as a Star Wars joke. A maul is a large wooden hammer. In D&D, a bludgeoning weapon. Hence Maul not being intelligent. He named himself after the wrong type of weapon. Double-bladed sword obscures the joke. I would like to take this oppertunity to say that I play with somebody playing a WF Paladin that carries a warhammer who is named Maul. Its a perfectly fine name for a WF. Since they get named after nicknames or for what they do, being named after a weapon or tactic seems logical to me.
Gurv 10-25-04, 11:31 PM	I would like to take this oppertunity to say that I play with somebody playing a WF Paladin that carries a warhammer who is named Maul. Its a perfectly fine name for a WF. Since they get named after nicknames or for what they do, being named after a weapon or tactic seems logical to me. He has a warhammer named Maul? :D What do they call the warforged? Sorry. Its been a long, rant-filled day.
Stouthammer 10-26-04, 02:02 AM	I would like to take this oppertunity to say that I play with somebody playing a WF Paladin that carries a warhammer who is named Maul. Its a perfectly fine name for a WF. Since they get named after nicknames or for what they do, being named after a weapon or tactic seems logical to me. People still seem to be missing the point. The joke had to do with the Lord of Blades. Not warforged in general. The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades. It makes sense. And it's mentioned in one of the eberron adventures. It's really easy. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades. Say it with me. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades. Okay. Now that we have that down. There's nothing wrong wth a warforged who names himself maul. That's fine. But if that warforged followed the lord of blades and named himself maul it would be funny because....a maul isn't a blade. See? It's a giant bludgeoning weapon. Not a blade. So for a name for a follower of the lord of blades it would make him kind of....stupid. Let me know if I need to explain this in more detail.
BullyBoy 10-26-04, 05:44 AM	The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades. 31. Wesley Snipes? :D
Doc Phobia 10-26-04, 07:34 AM	The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades. 32. Wilkinson 33. Remington 34. Gillette 35. Schick Or my personal favourite ... 36. Epilady :rolleyes: :D
Beleriphon 10-26-04, 08:42 AM	36. Epilady :heehee Seriously, I woke up my roommat over that one.
billseurer 10-26-04, 09:20 AM	The warforged who follow the teachings of the lord of blades name themselves after blades. See. Lord of blades. Blades. Lord of blades. Blades. It makes sense. And it's mentioned in one of the eberron adventures. It's really easy. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades. Say it with me. Warforged who follow the lord of blades name themself after blades. Some GOOD names based off of blade names: PowerEdge 1655MC ProLiant BL BladeCenter
(Psi)SeveredHead 10-26-04, 09:25 AM	32. "Threek" (a three-pronged fork)
Euangelion 10-26-04, 09:53 AM	Alright, alright, I'll admit to being the moron who didn't quite get the joke, so here's my attempt to make up for it... Rusty
Alexius D'Cannith 10-26-04, 09:59 AM	Fruit Knife!
SirLoin 10-26-04, 08:59 PM	Blender - not to be confused with Bender. Cleaver - From the Cleaver Family. Ginsue - of Oriental heritage. Cannith Opener - Ummm...I think that one had a vendictive personality.
Nimrud 10-27-04, 07:19 AM	LoB recruiter: Maul, eh? Not the sharpest tool in the toolbox are ya? :D
Andrus_Shade 10-27-04, 07:45 AM	19. Greatsword (overcompensating for something, aren't we?) Technically he is JUST compensating for something he doesn't have. Something we enjoy reminding our warforged rogue everytime the hot artificer heals him.
Ectoplasmoid 10-27-04, 11:35 AM	Who's the metal private eye Whose battery won't ever die? HAFT! Ya Damn Right! Who is the 'forged that would risk his neck For his brother 'forged? HAFT! Can you dig it? Who's the construct that won't cop out When there's danger all about? HAFT! Right On! They say this cat Haft is a bad mother SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I'm talkin' 'bout Haft. THEN WE CAN DIG IT! He's a complicated 'forged But no one understands him but his...artificer. ( :confused: wait...that's not right!) BLADE HAFT! (For those not in the know, a haft is a blade handle) This isn't so much a LoB Follower, but this was the best place I could find to post this. Lyrics Copyright blah blah blah....
Radiating Gnome 10-27-04, 02:20 PM	Haft. I'm in love. -rg :D
likuidice 10-28-04, 09:52 AM	hmmm...thinks of an edward scissorhands type warforged
RadicalTaoist 10-28-04, 10:30 AM	:rofl: cue 70s guitar
Grynn 10-28-04, 11:02 AM	Actually, I guess that the maul being referred to is a splitting maul. It is essentially a specialized axe. A splitting maul has a much heavier and broader head than an ordinary axe. It is not designed for chopping down trees; repeatedly swinging such a heavy axe sideways would exhaust even the strongest man in just a few swings. Instead it is used to split logs from end to end, using the weight of the head to drive through the logs. I know from personal experience that a splitting maul is much more effective at this task than an ordinary axe. Or, maybe the original poster did mean it as a hammer.
ChronosCrow 10-29-04, 03:41 AM	Spark Plug. A relativly small huntchbacked warforged that doesn't really further things along for the Lord of Blades. He's mostly there for comic relief. And to cheer on his leader, Optimus Prime, I mean Lord of Blades.
Warforged_316 10-31-04, 10:35 PM	short sword - the midget warforged switch blade the skitso warforged lol