"Ultimate" weapons [Archive] - Wizards Community

"Ultimate" weapons [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Golem_Lord
08-14-05, 10:34 PM Holy fork- 1d3 damage , 2d6 against Evil creatures x4.

Flourbag of Blinding-1d4 Damage, 20 feet range +5 feet for every point of strenth- Blinds target and all within 5 feet.

Log of mauling 2-H 2d8 Subduel damage X2
xver
08-15-05, 12:24 AM "Well, now. Unusual magical arms? I've go a few in the back room. Let's go take a look, shall we? Come along now.

"Flaming Frying Pan of Disruption? No? Well, it is a bit rusty. How about this vorpal toothpick? No really, you have to see it in action. Still not interested? Hmm. Let's see, a singing sword, perhaps? Steath considerations? Hmm. Have you considered this fine Silvered Toaster of Doom? It'll pass customs no problem ... not to your taste I see. Let's move on. Over here, to your left.

"A fresh case of boxing glove arrows? No. Crossbow quarrels more to your liking? Well now, you don't have to get fresh. How about this Hairtie of Strangulation? No, only pink. I'm sorry sir. How about a Gnomish two handed Tuning Fork of Stattering? A stapping half Orc like youself could weild it in one hand? Still no? Well, you are a tough sell; come along.

"Pickled Sea Cod of Cloudkill? They're deadly at range and can also be used in melee. Come now, they're cheap. Oh well, nobody really buys those. How about this jar of Precursor Mayonaise? Just lob in their general direction. Hey! Don't open that! If you eat, you buy it!

"How about this farie greatsword? Works as a dagger in a pinch. No, I'm not saying that, oy. Pitchfork of Garment Removeal? Well, no, only clothing. Damn! So close. How about the similar Trident of Fish Command? Can't swim eh? Deasert planet, how interesting. Well, here's the Ten Foot Pole of Slow Actions. No, yours. Hey, stop hitting me!

"Well, there is the Keen Chainsaw of Speed, but we seem to be all out of petrol. Goblet of Wine Throwing? No, acid'd eat it. Holy Handgrenade of Antioch? Atheist? You should have said so earlier. What about these Scissors of Running? Or this Feather of Wonderous Tickling. Ouch! If you assualt me again, I'll have to turn you out.

Gurgleing sounds ... someone falling ...

"So, the Hairtie of Strangulation after all?"

Thud. "Oh." Thwack. "Thog like pink now!"
Tyler Do'Urden
08-15-05, 12:36 AM Vorpal Guitar Pick - on a natural roll of 1 on a Perform (guitars) check, the pick severs all the instrument's strings. Depending on your style and your venue's acoustics, this might not necessarily make the instrument unplayable.
Calibron
08-15-05, 01:13 AM I just have to say that "Scissors of Running" had me rolling.
Golem_Lord
08-15-05, 09:03 AM Ha ha, i have more!

Tree of Flaming bliss- 'Now if only it didnt burn"
Holy water of the Abyss-"That dosent make scence"
Abyssal lolipop-"Not for Kiddies"
Knife of the Gods-"Sacred. . .S'long as it aint kords"
Undergarment of Massgrapple "Kinda rides up on ya"
Helmet of Blindness "either you have the helmet and dont see, or you dont have it"
Those are s'more i wipped up fer yas!
CryoSilver
08-15-05, 11:36 AM Squirrel cannon of hippie death!
Fanged Fremont
08-15-05, 12:48 PM Sword Chucks, Yo!

Cowtapult, turns any large sized rock into random livestock upon launch. Roll 1D10 to determine what rock changes into.
1-5: 1d2 Cows
6: 2 Goats
7: 1d6+2 Chickens
8: 1d4+2 Geese
9: 1d2+1 Pigs
10: Giant Rabbit (Large) or Large Wooden Badger (Large)

Vorpal Necktie, a gift for the boss at the office.
The herring of tree felling, cuts even the mightiest of trees.
Keen Range Stapler, for when you're office is being raided by badguys.
Shocking Comb, give your sister a bad hair day.
Decanter of endless Swill.
Adamantine Corkscrew.
xver
08-15-05, 11:56 PM I just have to say that "Scissors of Running" had me rolling.

Hmm. Here's some super dry gamer humor.

Scissors of Running

These platinum plated scissors allow the wielder free use of the Run feat whilst holding them. They may be used to cast expeditious retreat (weilder only, 1/day). The scissors are a magical weapon with +2 enhancment. They do damage as a dagger, but most wielders take a -4 penalty for non profiency. Anyone holding (or dropping) the scissors while going prone for any reason, must make a Ref save (DC = 2x your land speed in feet) or take critical damage from the scissors.

Ok. I promise to provide no more such stats. In this thread at least.
RavenDrake
08-16-05, 01:29 AM Actually encountered in a friends game: Sword of Ogre Saying. (a moderately bonused sword that, when unsheathed, repeated the word "Ogre" over and over in common)

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Golem_Lord 08-14-05, 10:34 PM	Holy fork- 1d3 damage , 2d6 against Evil creatures x4. Flourbag of Blinding-1d4 Damage, 20 feet range +5 feet for every point of strenth- Blinds target and all within 5 feet. Log of mauling 2-H 2d8 Subduel damage X2
xver 08-15-05, 12:24 AM	"Well, now. Unusual magical arms? I've go a few in the back room. Let's go take a look, shall we? Come along now. "Flaming Frying Pan of Disruption? No? Well, it is a bit rusty. How about this vorpal toothpick? No really, you have to see it in action. Still not interested? Hmm. Let's see, a singing sword, perhaps? Steath considerations? Hmm. Have you considered this fine Silvered Toaster of Doom? It'll pass customs no problem ... not to your taste I see. Let's move on. Over here, to your left. "A fresh case of boxing glove arrows? No. Crossbow quarrels more to your liking? Well now, you don't have to get fresh. How about this Hairtie of Strangulation? No, only pink. I'm sorry sir. How about a Gnomish two handed Tuning Fork of Stattering? A stapping half Orc like youself could weild it in one hand? Still no? Well, you are a tough sell; come along. "Pickled Sea Cod of Cloudkill? They're deadly at range and can also be used in melee. Come now, they're cheap. Oh well, nobody really buys those. How about this jar of Precursor Mayonaise? Just lob in their general direction. Hey! Don't open that! If you eat, you buy it! "How about this farie greatsword? Works as a dagger in a pinch. No, I'm not saying that, oy. Pitchfork of Garment Removeal? Well, no, only clothing. Damn! So close. How about the similar Trident of Fish Command? Can't swim eh? Deasert planet, how interesting. Well, here's the Ten Foot Pole of Slow Actions. No, yours. Hey, stop hitting me! "Well, there is the Keen Chainsaw of Speed, but we seem to be all out of petrol. Goblet of Wine Throwing? No, acid'd eat it. Holy Handgrenade of Antioch? Atheist? You should have said so earlier. What about these Scissors of Running? Or this Feather of Wonderous Tickling. Ouch! If you assualt me again, I'll have to turn you out. Gurgleing sounds ... someone falling ... "So, the Hairtie of Strangulation after all?" Thud. "Oh." Thwack. "Thog like pink now!"
Tyler Do'Urden 08-15-05, 12:36 AM	Vorpal Guitar Pick - on a natural roll of 1 on a Perform (guitars) check, the pick severs all the instrument's strings. Depending on your style and your venue's acoustics, this might not necessarily make the instrument unplayable.
Calibron 08-15-05, 01:13 AM	I just have to say that "Scissors of Running" had me rolling.
Golem_Lord 08-15-05, 09:03 AM	Ha ha, i have more! Tree of Flaming bliss- 'Now if only it didnt burn" Holy water of the Abyss-"That dosent make scence" Abyssal lolipop-"Not for Kiddies" Knife of the Gods-"Sacred. . .S'long as it aint kords" Undergarment of Massgrapple "Kinda rides up on ya" Helmet of Blindness "either you have the helmet and dont see, or you dont have it" Those are s'more i wipped up fer yas!
CryoSilver 08-15-05, 11:36 AM	Squirrel cannon of hippie death!
Fanged Fremont 08-15-05, 12:48 PM	Sword Chucks, Yo! Cowtapult, turns any large sized rock into random livestock upon launch. Roll 1D10 to determine what rock changes into. 1-5: 1d2 Cows 6: 2 Goats 7: 1d6+2 Chickens 8: 1d4+2 Geese 9: 1d2+1 Pigs 10: Giant Rabbit (Large) or Large Wooden Badger (Large) Vorpal Necktie, a gift for the boss at the office. The herring of tree felling, cuts even the mightiest of trees. Keen Range Stapler, for when you're office is being raided by badguys. Shocking Comb, give your sister a bad hair day. Decanter of endless Swill. Adamantine Corkscrew.
xver 08-15-05, 11:56 PM	I just have to say that "Scissors of Running" had me rolling. Hmm. Here's some super dry gamer humor. Scissors of Running These platinum plated scissors allow the wielder free use of the Run feat whilst holding them. They may be used to cast expeditious retreat (weilder only, 1/day). The scissors are a magical weapon with +2 enhancment. They do damage as a dagger, but most wielders take a -4 penalty for non profiency. Anyone holding (or dropping) the scissors while going prone for any reason, must make a Ref save (DC = 2x your land speed in feet) or take critical damage from the scissors. Ok. I promise to provide no more such stats. In this thread at least.
RavenDrake 08-16-05, 01:29 AM	Actually encountered in a friends game: Sword of Ogre Saying. (a moderately bonused sword that, when unsheathed, repeated the word "Ogre" over and over in common)