Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Lemernis 01-25-07, 07:25 AM	Heyas, Hope you guys can give me a hand with something creative and humorous. I need tongue-in-cheek questions submitted from the vantage of any type of character in the Forgotten Realms you'd care to conceive (commoner, merchant, nobility, adventurer, you name it) seeking advice for a problem "Dear Abby" style. It could even be from a major NPC in the Realms but, as always, it would be signed incognito.
Old Sparky 01-25-07, 12:04 PM	Hmmm, since Elminster is one of those well-known sages whose address everyone happens to know, it could be fun to direct such letters at him. Anyhow, it could be fun. ========================= Dear whoever, My brother, a Purple Dragon who lives in Suzail, has recently started seeing a forest nymph in the King's Forest. And by "seeing" her, I mean "is having relations with," and by "having relations with," I mean in the farm animal sense. At least, that's what he claims. I am beginning to worry about him as he no longer makes time to visit family and his friends say he has grown more distant. He is losing his wife, his wealth, and respect of his co-workers. What I really want to know is... how & where can I get a forest nymph girlfriend, too? --Companionless in Cormyr
BrennonGoldeye 01-25-07, 12:18 PM	Hmmm, since Elminster is one of those well-known sages whose address everyone happens to know, it could be fun to direct such letters at him. Anyhow, it could be fun. ========================= Dear whoever, My brother, a Purple Dragon who lives in Suzail, has recently started seeing a forest nymph in the King's Forest. And by "seeing" her, I mean "is having relations with," and by "having relations with," I mean in the farm animal sense. At least, that's what he claims. I am beginning to worry about him as he no longer makes time to visit family and his friends say he has grown more distant. He is losing his wife, his wealth, and respect of his co-workers. What I really want to know is... how & where can I get a forest nymph girlfriend, too? --Companionless in Cormyr :heehee , very sweet.
Lemernis 01-25-07, 12:29 PM	Thanks, that's exactly the sort of thing I'm looking for! :D This material will be for a monthly column appearing in a newsletter. I'm thinking of titling it "Dear Abazigal." (The evil blue dragon Bhaalspawn from the BG2 game. Yeah, I know it's corny.) For lack of a better name at the moment, I guess I'll run with that. So the letters can be headed "Dear Abazigal." Or "Dear Abby" is fine. That's a great one. Some of the responses I've gotten to this so far elsewhere have also been truly laugh out loud funny. This will really be fun. Please keep 'em coming!
MarkusTay63 01-25-07, 02:14 PM	Call it 'Tell El' :D "Dear El - I'm just a lonely kobold slave living in a Drow city. Recently, I was working on cleaning out some Dung heaps over at the Baenre place and I noticed Triel Baenre smiling at me. My buddies say that she was smiling in disgusted amusement, but I think she likes me! I tried to get close to her, but her son threatened to eat my liver. I'm rather fond of my liver, but she is such a HOTTY, what should I do?" ------ Miserable in Menzoberrazan
Lemernis 01-25-07, 02:44 PM	"Ask Elminster" Or "Tell El" would definitely work! :D Although there's something I like also about the pun in "Dear Abazigal," and perhaps even moreso about developing the persona of an evil blue dragon as self-styled advice guru. There's something a little kookier and more whimiscal about it. But anyways, love the submissions I've been getting so far (here and elsewhere), they've been really good! Call it 'Tell El' :D "Dear El - I'm just a lonely kobold slave living in Menzoberrazan. Recently, I was working on cleaning out some Dung heaps over at the Baenre place and I noticed Triel Baenre smiling at me. My buddies say that she was smiling in disgusted amusement, but I think she likes me! I tried to get close to her, but her son threatened to eat my liver. I'm rather fond of my liver, but she is such a HOTTY, what should I do?" Nice, lol! Signed/Yours/Call me, etc. ?
Old Sparky 01-26-07, 12:36 AM	Dear Abazigal, I'm a wizard of growing talent and respected member of the community. I recently started seeing a man --a fellow wizard. Our relationship started off innocently enough with him teaching me spells, but things became passionate pretty fast. Last week, he taught me how to polymorph myself and suggested I "try it out" from a different perspective. On his recommendation, I became a centaur... which seemed a little odd, but he assured me he loved who I was inside and this was just for fun. The next night, it was a horse he wanted. It felt icky and wrong... but now he's taken to calling me his little lamb, hinting at what he wants next. I really like this guy, but I'm not overly thrilled at being his barnyard brothel. Should I put my hoof down, or let him continue to hold the reigns? -- Bestial Betty
Dielzen 01-26-07, 12:43 AM	*wonders about the growing trend of beastality in this thread*
DavidBedlam 01-26-07, 04:46 AM	Dear Abazigal I'm having a problem with some nasty neighbours. I've got a very nice place, with a nice sea view and plenty of room, but I find life somewhat complicated by those people to the east. It's always something. Usually it's just slavery and magical experimentation, which really gets on my goat, but sometimes they even go for a direct attack on me! These range from the massive (invasions which take me all day to annilihate), annoying (constant streams of assassins) to the just plain stupid! (Annual invitations trying to lure me to some remote Dalelands location where I will probably be ambushed) This has been going on for a while now, and I can't take it anymore! What can I do about those inconsiderate morons next door? --Annoyed in Aglarond
DavidBedlam 01-26-07, 09:37 AM	Dear Abazigal I've got a problem with my sister. As a problem solver myself, I know that comunication is the root of every solution, but that is the problem! My sister and I are not comunicating! I'm rather woried about her. I've been getting the lowdown on her life from her boyfriend, who lives near me (no comunication problems there!), and it's constant tales of magical excess and invading armies blown into the stratosphere! She needs some down time with her family! (We're a large family, so no worries about there not being any surport here!) But I haven't heard a peep from her in years! I don't know what to do. It's coming up to our annual family reunion, where we all gather in my house for a great big get togther, and she hasn't made it to one! Some of my other sisters have to travel all the way from Waterdeep and Silverymoon to get here, and they always make it. So why won't she come? --Sorrowful in Shadowdale
Alediran 01-26-07, 11:52 AM	Dear Abazigal, I have many brothers, who are all like me. I mean, like they where me, but not me. It's very funny to have so many brothers like me, we constantly play this game they call "killing the clones", this is my problem. When we started this game, there where more of my brothers, but strangely, every time we play at least one of them dissapears, what can I do to avoid losing another brother in tomorrow's killing the clones game? - Confused of Moonsea region.
Red_Wizard 01-26-07, 11:54 AM	I don't know what to say to this thread :P. From the POV of it being a "Dear Abby" style thing, it's hitting it right on the head. But from the take that it's all make believe, and we're seeing things like innappropriate touching, and beastiality, makes me wonder at the continued sensibility of it. Trust me, I take no offense to any of this, under normal circumstances, I'd hop on in with the over the edge jokes. But from a striktly Realms standpoint, I think such stories have no place here. The ones concerning the Simbul, or other notable Realms personas makes sence. But to randomly have the other ones kinda makes you wonder why you wouldn't just use real Dear Abby's and simply change the "dear whoever" and finish it with something Realmsian. That being said, I did enjoy the Polymorph aspect of the Beastiality one, so it has enough DnD pizaz to remain semi safely unhindered for now. Please though no animal loving trends ;) :P
MarkusTay63 01-26-07, 12:44 PM	The innapropriate touching one is based on canon. :P It's about Mirt the Moneylender (although El might have worked too) I was going to go the El route, but that would have been TOO easy.
Tyshanis 01-26-07, 02:01 PM	Dear Abbey, I was once a great orc warlord, i had my own place millions of followers, and some respect. Recently the the landlord visited us and brought some of his friends ,and they evicted us. We took our plroblems to another area of the north and were met with violence and hatred. Then were shunned by the local government. My question to you Abbey is what can I do to gain some respect, and can I sue for discrimination. Signed Homless in Silverymoon
MarkusTay63 01-26-07, 02:31 PM	Obould lives in the city of Silverymoon? :confused: I was trying to figure out something for him, forgot about him losing his 'crib'. Nice one.
Red_Wizard 01-26-07, 02:32 PM	The innapropriate touching one is based on canon. :P It's about Mirt the Moneylender (although El might have worked too) I was going to go the El route, but that would have been TOO easy. Sorry, wasn't reading it as that. Just wanted to point these things out so as not to have anyone thrown off who was new to the Realms, or wandering in from other boards :)
Tyshanis 01-26-07, 03:26 PM	Obould lives in the city of Silverymoon? :confused: Couldn't think of anything else for the north or the marches, Maybe Misunterstood in the Marches would have been better.
DavidBedlam 01-26-07, 05:51 PM	Someone's got a 'Simbul' fixation. ;) Ha! I does look like that, doesn't it? Actually when thinking of something to write here, the thought of the Seven Sisters family reunion popped into my head, quickly followed by the idea that The Simbul would keep thinking the invites were a Thayan trap. (The gap betwen posts was due to my departure to my palaeoecology lecture.) Anyway, here is a non-Simbul letter. :) Dear Abazigal, I'm a drow. But I was never happy with all that evil and backstabbing that comes with life in the underdark, so I left Menzoberranzan and made my way to the surface, and make a new life with the good peoples there. But soon trouble came! As I was travelling the land, I spied a group of dwarfs being set apon by orcs. Instinctivly I lept into the fray and helped rout the beasts. At the battle's end I fulled expected to be greated with suspicion by the dwarfs, but instead their leader shook my have and gave me his heartfelt thanks! Then he said it: "I never thought I would live to meet the famous Drizzt Do'Urden in person!" What? Drizzt who? Everywhere I go, its always "It's Drizzt Do'Urden!" "Hey everyone! I think that's Drizzt Do'Urden!" "Say, Drizzt, didn't you have a large cat with you last time I saw you?" I swear to Eilistraee, if this doesn't stop soon, I may do something I regret! Help me Abazigal! --Depressed in Icewind Dale
MarkusTay63 01-26-07, 06:56 PM	Sorry, wasn't reading it as that. Just wanted to point these things out so as not to have anyone thrown off who was new to the Realms, or wandering in from other boards :)Having re-read it, I guess I was a little too real-world. I just finished the book Elminster in Hell, and that part kinda creeped me out. sorry. :( Dear Abazy, "The other night I was having dinner with my family, when suddenly a bunch of crazy monsters burst into my home! They were shreiking at us in their gawd-awful language which we couldn't understand, and my kids were scared to death! We managed to just barely escape out the back way, and returned a few hours later after it quieted down. My place was a mess! They ransacked everything... even spilled over little lisa's porridge! I asked some of my buddies from the next warren over what they were, and they called them "U-monz". They say they show up every once in awhile and tear up the place looking for treasure. Treasure?! I wear a loincloth for chrisakes! The most valuable item I own is that 'thing' I picked out of my nose last week! I'm desperate, whats a poor goblin to do to defend himself against monsters like these? ------ Frightened in the Firepeaks
BrianCritchley 01-27-07, 04:08 AM	Dear Abby, I have a problem with my youngest son, whose a bit of a rebel. I live with my family, my husband, my ex-husband and my children (3 daughters and 2 boys). my youngest son is a valueable asset to my family, or he would be except he has developed a rebellious streak, exhibiting horrable degraded morals of the worst kind, he out and out refused to participate in his graduation ceremony claiming it was wrong somehow, and has contiuned to deny my requests for his and our families own good. to make it worse, my ex-husbad, the boy's father, is enchouraging this kind of foolishness. recently he has commited a terriable crime, however he is talented and I'd hate to overly punish him.. so I ask you abby... should I kill my ex-husband? signed Wits end in Menzo
DireBear 01-29-07, 04:14 PM	Dear Abazigal I, along with my wife and young son, are awakened dire bears from the Vast, and I would like to share a cautionary tale with your readers about a true nightmare experience that we went through recently. We had gone out for a short walk, and when we returned found the door to our abode slightly ajar. When we entered, we discovered that our breakfasts had been partially eaten and ruined - and not only that, but when we started to check the bedrooms to see if anything had been stolen we discovered that the intruder was still inside!! Probably alarmed by our return though, they escaped before we could get a good look at whoever it was. Please, Abazigal, PLEASE pass this warning on to your readers – LOCK your LAIR when you’re not home. We were only gone for a moment, and this is always the sort of thing that we think happens to “someone else”; but it DID and CAN happen to any of us. Sincerely, Porridgeless in Procampur
redhase 01-30-07, 09:41 AM	Dear Abazigal I live in a city where our nieboring city is very rude, they are always disrupted rude, and enterrupt shipments of goods and supplies. Talking to them does no good it seems, they denie doing such actions and say that others are to blaim for them. Even thoug it is well know that they have the attacking groups working for them. Making my expensives and costs go up, to supplie extra guards, extra mages and clerics to protect the shipments. Many of times have a dialog been tryed with the other city, but it seeems that they don't care or don't wish to changes their ways to a more friendly agreement. Is there any thing you could suggest that might help to make them understand how this is effecting our city and causing distrust amoungst our two cities. signed Disgruntled in Neverwinter.
redhase 01-30-07, 10:01 AM	Dear Abazigal I along with other's who reside in my country are having a proublem with our ruler and it makes us uncontroubale when she is seen in public. Our ruler has wild long white hair that is uncombed, and wears cloths, well lets just say that she could afford to buy new colths. we don't undersatnd why she likes to wear cloths that appear in need of repair. We also would not like to be remined by the fact that she also never ages. While we grow old with every year that passes, her age looks the same and it is uncomfterable at times to see one who ages not. While we grow older with every passing year. How can we suggest to her that maybe it would make the people under her that it makes us uncomfterable, and suggest in a nice way to please use a comb or brush on her hair. Any women who lets her hair go like that is very sightly and disrespectful to those of us who do take good care of our selfs. Would you not think that such a person ruling a country would wish to keep up thier appearnce and show them selves with more respect, she is our ruler. But what advice would you give me on how to adress her on the subjects and let her know that it makes us feel very uncomfterable. signed socially disgruntled in Velprintalar
redhase 01-30-07, 10:22 AM	Dear Abazigal I own my own shop in a small city, and it is very dishearting the way I am treated. The other business men and women deliberatly take away customers form me. I make weapons of all sorts, just because my father is an orc and my mother is an human; I believe that this is the reason they disrespect me. Making a living is hard enough with out having the other arms makers taking away my business. I don't do that to them. They also treat me very badly and won't allow me in some of the local taverns. I can't help who my parents were, Abazigal do you have any sugggestions that might help. How would they feel I wounder if they were treated the same, some times It makes me wounder why I still call this place home. And don't pack up and go some place friendler. Any suggestions that would help them to understand would be helpful. Sign misunderstood in Daggerford.
Wellin_Adipocere 01-30-07, 11:45 AM	Dear Abigazal, I just met this girl who is so hot it hurts! Literally, she is a fire elemental. This wouldn't be such a problem except that i'm a water elemental. I mean whenever we get together things get so hot and steamy i can't take it anymore. I know what they say about opposites attracting but this is ridiculous! Do you know of any spell to help things run a little more "smoothly"? Out of my Element :raincloud
MarkusTay63 01-30-07, 12:00 PM	Nice, Wellin. Short and to the point. Can we all make a deal? No more Simbul stories, you guys have beaten that one to death. ;) Dear Abazy, I've got a really big problem. My daughter, who is coming of age soon is dating a boy who is 'different'. He is rude, crude, and socially unacceptable (no to mention green!). I thought my daughter was just trying to punish us somehow the way rebellious adolescents do, but now things seem to be getting serious between her and her 'piggish' friend. If she comes home pregnant I don't know what I'll do, I'm at wits end! Please, any advice you can give would be most helpful. ---- Angsty in Evereska
Old Sparky 01-30-07, 06:46 PM	Dear Abigazal, I recently found an unidentified potion in my son's room. I took it to a local alchemist and learned it was a potion of reduce. I was shocked to find out my son is getting small behind our backs. When my wife and I confronted him, he claimed he got the potion from friends... and that they are also getting small for fun. There are rumors of a refined version of this potion on the streets that lets people get REALLY SMALL. How do we talk to our child about the dangers of potions? Also, as parents, how do we keep our home safe from potentially dangerous potions? signed, Worried In Waterdeep
redhase 01-30-07, 09:08 PM	Dear Abigazal Something strange happened to me the other night while I was sleeping in my bed. I had a strange feeling that something was attached to my neck, and the next time I woke up I was in a square box. After I had to claw my way out of this trap , and surfice to say it was hard. Digging through dirt too. Can you imagion how dirty I got, then to find that I can't stay in the day light any more. And I have this strange disire for blood now. Singned help what do I do now!
redhase 01-30-07, 09:19 PM	Dear Abigazal The strangest thing happened to me while I was out exploring with my friends. We went to this old rune just outside a city we know, and we found some things in there. I keeped a ring out of the deal and once we got back to the town Is sleeped for the night. Then the next morning put the ring on, the strangest thing happened, I felt starnge. When I looked in the closest mirror I found I looked different. I had changed into a women! Now my former friends think that I'm not me anymore, and all the men won't leave me alone. They want to know what I did with my old self, they believe that I killed him and took his memories. signed Help, feeling traped and confused
Tyshanis 01-30-07, 10:18 PM	Dear Abigazal, I've never been one for the gods, they never did anytrhing for me, sure I prayed to Tymora when I was gambling and the night I was attacked. I woke up after the attack to see strange things, I saw my grandma, my grandpa, and my uncle Mort. I met the nicest guy named Kelemvor who said he was my landlord and took me to my new apartment. The problem is the apartment is full of people constantly moaning and yelling, and complaining they want out. Can you be on a reality show against your will? Signed Cramped in Kelemvors House
redhase 01-31-07, 07:51 AM	Here's another potion one that came to me. Dear Abigazal, I and my husban found empty potion flasks in my oldest daughter's room hidden, We took some of them to find out what they were. What a shock to find out they were invisibility potion's. Both of us sat down and talked to her and she deined use the potions. We have since found that she leaves an illusion of her self in her bed when she leaves. Our daughter is sneaking out in the middle of the night by using the potions, Can you give us advice on what to do Abby. singed Shocked in silvermoon
Bonzai 01-31-07, 11:56 AM	Dear Abigazal, Me and me Brother are cooks by trade at the Spirit Soaring. Though like any self respecting Dwarf I spend some time at the forge, and splitting few goblin or orc skulls now and then. The problem is me Brother. He was dropped head first on an anvil when he was a baby. He seemed alright at first, though he talks a little funny. But latley I've grown concerned. He has given up his axe, and calls himself a Doodad! Me Brother, a Doodad! He's been out in the gardens all the time, and bringing back all sorts of pets. He won't even let me eat any of them! Even worse, he's dyed his beard green. GREEN! It's decidedly un-dwarven. I've tried hitting him over the head again but it doesn't seem to be working. So I need to ask you Miss Abigazal, do ye think I need ta use a bigger club? Signed, Frustrations Soaring!
Wellin_Adipocere 01-31-07, 01:39 PM	Dear Abigazail, I have had a good run of things for a long while. I'm a respected member of Waterdeep, I have numerous contacts who will help me in a bind, I have some decent tracts of land back at Evermeet, and I inspire fear and wonder to the locals. Thats problem I guess, I'm just tired of the lifestyle. Being noticed and feared everytime I go to purchase some fine spirits drags on a elf after a while. I mean you spend the better part of your life as one of the maske...respected members of Waterdeep, helping and protecting the people when you can and they cower when you walk on the street or say hello. Is there anyway to loose my hardened image or will people just think I am trying to trick them? Sick of being a Serpent
Eladrinstar 01-31-07, 06:14 PM	Dear Abigazal I was just on a adventure filled with suspense and intrigue to save my family and all of Chondath. However, along the way, I met three ladies. One is a druid, but she doesn't like the city much. Another is a daughter of a lumber merchant, but we had a previous relationship which didn't work. The third is a sea elf. She doesn't wear clothing, making her visits a bit un-decent. Which should I choose? Signed Polygamous Mercenary of Arabar.
Abigazal 02-04-07, 09:18 AM	Dear Abigazal, My brother, a Purple Dragon who lives in Suzail, has recently started seeing a forest nymph in the King's Forest. And by "seeing" her, I mean "is having relations with," and by "having relations with," I mean in the farm animal sense. At least, that's what he claims. I am beginning to worry about him as he no longer makes time to visit family and his friends say he has grown more distant. He is losing his wife, his wealth, and respect of his co-workers. What I really want to know is... how & where can I get a forest nymph girlfriend, too? --Companionless in Cormyr I would suggest you take pity on the poor fool. Look, on the one hand you're thinking "Gee, she's really good looking," but consider all the housework the nymph is putting him through. Nymphs tend to be shallow and in the politest of terms- have quite a bit of air between thier ears." Having just looked at your inclosed drawing of your brother, I have to say he's making it all up. Even airhead nymphs have standards. "Dear Abigazal I'm just a lonely kobold slave living in a Drow city. Recently, I was working on cleaning out some Dung heaps over at the Baenre place and I noticed Triel Baenre smiling at me. My buddies say that she was smiling in disgusted amusement, but I think she likes me! I tried to get close to her, but her son threatened to eat my liver. I'm rather fond of my liver, but she is such a HOTTY, what should I do?" ------ Miserable in Menzoberrazan Get yourself a forest nymph girlfriend. Dear Abazigal, I'm a wizard of growing talent and respected member of the community. I recently started seeing a man --a fellow wizard. Our relationship started off innocently enough with him teaching me spells, but things became passionate pretty fast. Last week, he taught me how to polymorph myself and suggested I "try it out" from a different perspective. On his recommendation, I became a centaur... which seemed a little odd, but he assured me he loved who I was inside and this was just for fun. The next night, it was a horse he wanted. It felt icky and wrong... but now he's taken to calling me his little lamb, hinting at what he wants next. I really like this guy, but I'm not overly thrilled at being his barnyard brothel. Should I put my hoof down, or let him continue to hold the reigns? -- Bestial Betty That all depends. Which version of polymorph are you using? Original, or 3rd edition, or revised 3rd edition, or errata 3.5, or houseruled or 2nd edition, or third party suppliment...
Abigazal 02-04-07, 09:34 AM	Dear Abazigal I'm having a problem with some nasty neighbours. I've got a very nice place, with a nice sea view and plenty of room, but I find life somewhat complicated by those people to the east. It's always something. Usually it's just slavery and magical experimentation, which really gets on my goat, but sometimes they even go for a direct attack on me! These range from the massive (invasions which take me all day to annilihate), annoying (constant streams of assassins) to the just plain stupid! (Annual invitations trying to lure me to some remote Dalelands location where I will probably be ambushed) This has been going on for a while now, and I can't take it anymore! What can I do about those inconsiderate morons next door? --Annoyed in Aglarond Dear Annoyed, Start a rumor they play Eberron. For added effect, go purchase all of the manuals and sneak them on to your neighbor's property. Your annoying neighbors will disappear sometime in the night. Dear Abazigal I've got a problem with my sister. As a problem solver myself, I know that comunication is the root of every solution, but that is the problem! My sister and I are not comunicating! I'm rather woried about her. I've been getting the lowdown on her life from her boyfriend, who lives near me (no comunication problems there!), and it's constant tales of magical excess and invading armies blown into the stratosphere! She needs some down time with her family! (We're a large family, so no worries about there not being any surport here!) But I haven't heard a peep from her in years! I don't know what to do. It's coming up to our annual family reunion, where we all gather in my house for a great big get togther, and she hasn't made it to one! Some of my other sisters have to travel all the way from Waterdeep and Silverymoon to get here, and they always make it. So why won't she come? --Sorrowful in Shadowdale Dear Sorrowful, I'd say she's still upset you read her diary, and is embarrassed you're going to "tell all" to everyone. Since you don't have a problem with talking with the boyfriend, either he's in on it or he knows nothing of it. But look at it from her point of view. You said she's busy, and it's difficult for any career woman to balance home life with work. As some low level bard sang: Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you girl, and you should know it With each glance and every little movement you show it Love is all around, no need to waste it You can have a town, why don't you take it You're gonna make it after all You're gonna make it after all How will you make it on your own? This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around, no need to waste it You can have a town, why don't you take it You're gonna make it after all You're gonna make it after all Dear Abazigal, I have many brothers, who are all like me. I mean, like they where me, but not me. It's very funny to have so many brothers like me, we constantly play this game they call "killing the clones", this is my problem. When we started this game, there where more of my brothers, but strangely, every time we play at least one of them dissapears, what can I do to avoid losing another brother in tomorrow's killing the clones game? - Confused of Moonsea region. Sounds like you're playing "Paranoia". It also sounds like you've got a great weight loss program going there. What with all those pounds of flesh to create a clone. Best of luck.
Abigazal 02-04-07, 09:52 AM	Dear Abbey, I was once a great orc warlord, i had my own place millions of followers, and some respect. Recently the the landlord visited us and brought some of his friends ,and they evicted us. We took our problems to another area of the north and were met with violence and hatred. Then were shunned by the local government. My question to you Abbey is what can I do to gain some respect, and can I sue for discrimination. Signed Homeless in Silverymoon Dear Homeless, Yes, you can sue, but not necessarily for discrimination. Did you get your security deposit back? Were you given 30 days notice? If the landlord hasn't already got the place rented out, you could stage a protest. Gather as many of your friends as you can and hold up "unfair" signs or some such when he tries to show the place to potential renters. It is, after all, a free country. Dear Abazigal, I'm a drow. But I was never happy with all that evil and backstabbing that comes with life in the underdark, so I left Menzoberranzan and made my way to the surface, and make a new life with the good peoples there. But soon trouble came! As I was travelling the land, I spied a group of dwarfs being set apon by orcs. Instinctivly I lept into the fray and helped rout the beasts. At the battle's end I fulled expected to be greated with suspicion by the dwarfs, but instead their leader shook my have and gave me his heartfelt thanks! Then he said it: "I never thought I would live to meet the famous Drizzt Do'Urden in person!" What? Drizzt who? Everywhere I go, its always "It's Drizzt Do'Urden!" "Hey everyone! I think that's Drizzt Do'Urden!" "Say, Drizzt, didn't you have a large cat with you last time I saw you?" I swear to Eilistraee, if this doesn't stop soon, I may do something I regret! Help me Abazigal! --Depressed in Icewind Dale Dear Depressed, Assuming the real Drizzt won't come after you, I'd say you've got a good thing sitting in your lap. Do you have any idea how much money Elminster impersonators get? By the gods, you could make millions appearing at parties, weddings, and don't forget game conventions. Just don't try using a credit card under that name. That's fraud and serious business. Dear Abazy, "The other night I was having dinner with my family, when suddenly a bunch of crazy monsters burst into my home! They were shreiking at us in their gawd-awful language which we couldn't understand, and my kids were scared to death! We managed to just barely escape out the back way, and returned a few hours later after it quieted down. My place was a mess! They ransacked everything... even spilled over little lisa's porridge! I asked some of my buddies from the next warren over what they were, and they called them "U-monz". They say they show up every once in awhile and tear up the place looking for treasure. Treasure?! I wear a loincloth for chrisakes! The most valuable item I own is that 'thing' I picked out of my nose last week! I'm desperate, whats a poor goblin to do to defend himself against monsters like these? ------ Frightened in the Firepeaks Dear Frightened, Ah yes, tax time. The IRS does seem to be a bit overzealous this year. Don't let it get you down, though. Just go down to your local adventurer's guild and fill out an "Accusation of Treason/Termination Voucher and Complaint against The Government Form" (Form number 14b-8209) in triplicate and they'll take care of you.
Abigazal 02-04-07, 09:59 AM	Dear Abby, I have a problem with my youngest son, whose a bit of a rebel. I live with my family, my husband, my ex-husband and my children (3 daughters and 2 boys). my youngest son is a valueable asset to my family, or he would be except he has developed a rebellious streak, exhibiting horrable degraded morals of the worst kind, he out and out refused to participate in his graduation ceremony claiming it was wrong somehow, and has contiuned to deny my requests for his and our families own good. to make it worse, my ex-husbad, the boy's father, is enchouraging this kind of foolishness. recently he has commited a terriable crime, however he is talented and I'd hate to overly punish him.. so I ask you abby... should I kill my ex-husband? signed Wits end in Menzo Dear Wits End, Meh, sure. Why not? Dear Abazigal I, along with my wife and young son, are awakened dire bears from the Vast, and I would like to share a cautionary tale with your readers about a true nightmare experience that we went through recently. We had gone out for a short walk, and when we returned found the door to our abode slightly ajar. When we entered, we discovered that our breakfasts had been partially eaten and ruined - and not only that, but when we started to check the bedrooms to see if anything had been stolen we discovered that the intruder was still inside!! Probably alarmed by our return though, they escaped before we could get a good look at whoever it was. Please, Abazigal, PLEASE pass this warning on to your readers – LOCK your LAIR when you’re not home. We were only gone for a moment, and this is always the sort of thing that we think happens to “someone else”; but it DID and CAN happen to any of us. Sincerely, Porridgeless in Procampur Dear Porridgeless, Consider the message passed! I miss the good old days when you could leave your house unlocked. One time I got a letter from a clan of dwarves who came home one day to find the place was cleaned! The nerve of some people.
Lemernis 02-04-07, 12:40 PM	You might just get the get the gig if you want it, Sparky! Would prefer if you don't steal the thunder for the column, though. I.e., some of these really are going to be answered in a newsletter. :) Actually, come to think of it, if anyone is interested in writing the voice of Abazigal in this column, please PM me with some sample responses! Here's the provisional intro for the column: Ever wonder what became of the ‘Bhaalspawn’ from the computer game Shadows of Amn: Throne of Bhaal? (Beyond getting slain of course.) Sure you did. Well, after being resurrected he got rather despondent for a time at not becoming the new Lord of Murder. With a decidedly anticlimactic thud, he arrived at the conclusion that perhaps being an arch villain in the Forgotten Realms isn’t quite all its cracked up to be. So he chose to embark a new career path: advice columnist. Not surprisingly, he’s still a little bitter about the whole thing. A straight-shooter crackling with electrical energy that could blast forth at any time, and otherwise filled with bile over missed opportunities to rule the world, he now councils folks from all walks of life throughout the Forgotten Realms. Send your letters to Abazigal from the folk of the Realms to exodusapps@gmail.com.