Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Aris Despana The Drow 12-11-03, 03:31 PM	• 001-"Let's go in." • 002-"Let's not go in." • 003-"I follow them." • 004-"I stab the dragon and tell it to get off me." • 005-"I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion." • 006-"I kill it." • 007-"Let me handle this." • 008-"Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?" • 009-"What a useless scroll. It just says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and over again..." • 010-"I though YOU brough the food!" • 011-"Why is your torch flame turning blue?" • 012-"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" • 013-"Trust me." • 014-"I never get lost." • 015-(A corridor ahead is full of brown mold) "I cast Fireball down the hall, then send my fire elemental to investigate." • 016-"Dammit, this thing won't die!" • 017-"I bet without Mjolnir you're a real wuss." • 018-"He hit me for HOW MUCH?????" • 019-"They're only kobolds!" • 020-"Hey, this chest just bit me!" • 021-"I try to move silently in plate armor..." • 022-"I didn't find any traps !!" • 023-"Wonder what this button does ?" • 024-"Don't worry, he is probably just first level." • 025-"This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb." • 026-"I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror" • 027-"Can I eat this green slime?" • 028-"I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly" • 029-"Why is this man speaking in sign language?" • 030-"This type of undead can't drain levels" • 031-"I'll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!" • 032-"We are in luck! The dragon is sleeping" • 033-"That's only a statue" • 034-"There is no trap on the door, so let's open it" • 035-"Look, behind you!!!" Said by a gnome(pc) to an ogre as a disliked partymember crept up. End of the other member. • 036-"I have this dungeon at home, I know where everything is!" • 037-"Don't worry, the DM won't hose me" • 038-"We'll untie the prisoners and lock them in the closet." • 039-"Why can't we take Clarissa (Disguised evil high priestess) with us?" • 040-"How much will you give me for this idol I found (cursed)?" • 041-"I'm not powerful enough, can't you just give me second level." • 042-"Don't I get the farie fire bonus on my parry." • 043-Star Wars:"Stormtroopers can't hit a Wampa at this dist..." • 044-Traveller:"Who took the battery out of my grav belt?" • 045-"They're wearing blue robes? They must be Druids. Roll for initiative, suckers." (At which point the polymorphed Bone Devils ate him.) • 046-"I see HOW MANY wights?!" (from the crypts of Ravenloft) • 047-"Don't worry, wyvern don't attack unless they're provoked." • 048-"You watch the door, I'll take out the Gas Spore (Beholder) that's guarding the treasure." • 049-"A Nightmare, huh? I'll attack for one round and prepare to run." • 050-"I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon." • 051- "They need a twenty to hit me, I'm invincible" • 052-(While trapped in a dungeon..) : "Don't worry, I have a plan!!!" • 053-"I bet that without Mjolnir you're a real wimp." • 054-"Who's the :censored::censored::censored::censored: :censored: with the spiders?" • 055-"We killed all monsters on this level." • 056-"I've been here before. There are no traps in this section." • 057-"What do you mean 18 meter long crocodile--you just said crocodile." • 058-"Well ...., I'll touch it again" • 059-"I attempt to disbelieve" • 060-"I cast a fireball" (into a 10'x10'x10' room) • 061-"I know if I draw a card I'll get the VOID." • 062-GM:"You're very lucky, you all don't know how lucky you are! Save or take 210 points of damage" • 063-GM:"You don't get your +5 for being a dwarf, because it's special bodak power" • 064-" It's OK, I trust her..." ... *BOOM!!!!!!* • 065-"Stand back you wimps. I'll kill it." • 066-"Oops." • 067-"OK! I moon the Balrog!" • 068-"My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me?? OK, I shoot again!" • 069-"Where'd that thief go now?" • 070-"Trap? What trap?" • 071-"So what?" • 072-"Don't be silly. If this was really the ship's "Self-Destruct Button", do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone could press it?" • 073-"Hmmm...the sign on the door says, "AIRLOCK". I wonder what's inside." • 074-"You're all a bunch of wimps!! I'll prove to you myself that an entire orc stronghold is no match for your average barbarian." • 075-"All right, we're in an unexplored dungeon in total darkness with no light sources or infravision...Hey, I know!! Let's yell and scream a lot so we can locate each other by sound!!" • 076-"I'm going to kill our captives anyway, and I don't give a damn whether the other goody-good PC's like it or not." • 077-"Y'know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him right if we set his precious forest on fire." • 078-"A clever bluff, Agent N42, but not clever enough. You see, right away I recognized your `pistol' as a cleverly disguised cigarette lighter." • 079-"A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct. Let's kill it." • 080-"Yes, it's true I humiliated the DM in front of the debating team Wednesday, but he's much too broad-minded to take it out on my character." • 081-"OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm gonna tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!" • 082-"I drop trough and expose myself to the arch-mage as a gesture of contempt. • 083-"Well, guys, I'm sorry my activities in the last town got us all tarred and feathered, but you're not going to hold that against me, are you?" • 084-"No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell won't work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I'll prove it." • 085-"Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard. I'd better wash it off after we kill this fire lizard." • 086-"Well, we know he's LAWFUL evil, so he should keep his word when he promised not to betray us." • 087-"So I'm safely across the pit? Whew! For a minute there I was worried that you might remember my encumbrance penalties." • 088-"Well, as long as I've stumbled into Princess Savitra's bedroom, I might as well try to seduce her." • 089-"Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead! Maybe they can help heal our wounded!" • 090-"Don't worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my level, are infinitesimal." • 091-"All right, I jump...Now on the way down, I activate my ring of feather fall...no, wait, didn't I lend it to Jim?" • 092-"So you're Tiamat, huh? Are you evil? Yes? Would you like to convert?" • 093-"I cast a `gate' spell and gate in the Iraqi Air Force." • 094-"Well, *I* trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn't trapped, that's good enough for me." • 095-"Well, I didn't much like this character, anyway...Here goes nothing..." • 096-"I swing the Toxic Avenger's mop at the grenade so I can bat it across the room at the aliens...Wait! Isn't that grenade Contact Fused ???" • 097-"All right, I guess Toronaga's right. There can't possibly be anything on the other side of this airlock. Why not open the damned thing." • 098-"Whistling sounds? Naw, they can't have a grenade launcher!" • 099-"Okay, there's nothing guarding the bridge. I go through the door and find the helm." • 100-"They can't possibly outflank us. We have a multi-scanner!" • 101-"Come on! Arrows versus Kevlar?" • 102-"What do you mean Tsu Han's pilotting the shuttle? Does he even have Insystem Pilot? WHY ARE YOU SMILING AND SHAKING YOUR HEAD?" • 103-"So that giant fell into the pit? I'll jump over it and get his treasure." • 104-"Oh, that sorceress looked a little pale when she examined the mirror which has the pentagram in front of it on the floor. I think I'll break the mirror." • 105-"It's not trapped, you just want it to yourself."{He still got it for himself.} • 106-"Me first Me first." • 107-"Dinosaur? Hey, no problem, right Balinor?" • 108-"You call yourself a barbarian, you son of a witch ?" • 109-To powerful demon: "Try me sh*t breath!" • 110-To sleeping dragon: "Oops, sorry...didn't mean to disturb you." • 111-"Come on, we haven't found any traps so far." • 112-Ranger: "What do I see?" DM:"Do you remember the trap that killed Indy's guide in Raiders of the Lost Ark?" • 113-"Diamonds ... Gold... Saphires !!! Terry! Terry, we're rich, we're rich, we're fabulously wealthy!!!! ...Terry ..... Terry ??" • 114-"Let's walk this way." • 115-"Hey folks, follow me, I remember the way to the dungeon exit."(Lost) • 116-"I never get to have any fun!" • 117-"You mean they get to use the critical hit chart too?" • 118-"Hey, I know a dragon when I see one." • 119-"What do you mean the whole room we're in detects as a trap?" • 120-"Hey you! Frost Giant! How's the weather up there?" • 121-"Just watch, I bet I get the one item that's cursed." • 122-"I'm invincible!" • 123-"Don't worry. I know what I'm doing!" • 124-"Stop!" • 125-"A sign labeled `pit'? I walk up to it." • 126-"No problem. That's easy!" • 127-"Hey, I found it. I'm keeping it." • 128-"I think we'll have to reason with him." • 129-"Hah! I'm not dead yet. I still have five hit points." • 130-"Oh, no. We're being rescued. How embarrassing!" • 131-"Yeah, I know it's dangerous, but think of the experience points." • 132-"I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up." • 133-"Don't worry. I've got a plan." • 134-"They can't see me. I'm invisible!" • 135-"I wonder what's in here?" • 136-"He wouldn't try that trick again!" • 137-"Trust me, guys." • 138-"Just because you're a dragon doesn't mean you can push ME around." • 139-"They don't look so tough." • 140-"I'm SURE there are no traps." • 141-"I actively disbelieve!" • 142-"What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!" • 143-"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..." • 144-"I'll open it." • 145-"It seems easy enough" • 146-"I think he can be trusted." • 147-"Those noises are probably nothing." • 148-"I'll pull the lever." • 149-"Money!" • 150-"Magic is for wimps." • 151-"Oh. He'll miss. Just look at my AC." • 152-"Oh no! Let's go help them!" • 153-"Run away!" • 154-"I want to kill something." • 155-"All clear, guys." • 156-"Gummy werebears? They should be cake to kill once they turn human." • 157-"Wait a minute, didn't the old man say something about a curse?" • 158-"Hey, where'd all the big spiders come from?" • 159-"Okay, Ed, your underwear explodes!" • 160-"Bob, you have any grenades left? Throw me one..." • 161-"AGAIN!?!?!" • 162-"He shot out my eye? Okay, I tear out my other eye and throw it at him as a gesture of defiance." • 163-"I pull the metal ring out of the sphere."(Recognize a Holy Hand Grenade?) • 164-"This is a push-over dungeon." • 165-"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." • 166-"I'll use my taunt skill." • 167-"Your mother was a Gully Dwarf." • 168-"My God will protect me." • 169-"You wouldn't dare!" • 170-"Hey, we're out! We're safe!" • 171-"I'll try it on." • 172-"C'mon! We're a team!" • 173-"You don't look like a mage!" • 174-"It'd be stupid to trap this!" • 175-"I'll kick the door in!" • 176-"It could be dangerous!" • 177-"Here, hold this rope while I go down." • 178-"I thought you brought the food!" • 179-"Well, if you didn't belch, who did?" • 180-"Isn't there anything exciting in this dungeon?" (said to GM) • 181-"Uh guys? Hello? Anyone?" • 182-"Dragons give you a lot of Exp." • 183-"I know an illusion when I see one." • 184-"Who's the :censored::censored::censored::censored: :censored: with the spiders?" (ahhh! the infamous Lloth) • 185-"I sit on the pale lady with the funny teeth." (Ahhh! the infamous vampire) • 186-"Mysterious shadows in the room? I'm not scared --- you can't spook me!" • 187-"There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe." • 188-"Take off my armor and try to swim? Forget it --- I worked hard to get this +3 plate mail. Besides, the DM never lets anyone die --- he wouldn't let me drown, would he?" • 189-"I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly." • 190-"Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?" • 191-"A ballista? What's that? How many dice of damage does it do?" {Twenty.It's like a crossbow, only MUCH larger.} • 192-"So what if he calls the guard? A backwater town like this can't have a very big militia." • 193-"Only six inches long? Ha... Wait, you don't mean six _scale_ inches, do you?" {said in miniature-figures-game. Character itself was 3/4" high.} • 194-"...and then I... Uh, guys? Why are looking at me like that? Guys?" {After using a spell called "Polymorph Other" } • 195-"What do you mean, `It doesn't work' ?" {Item with no more charges left.} • 196-"Oh these, I've fought them before..." • 197-"Then I'll hit him back!" {spoken at the start of a bar brawl.} • 198-"I'm bored..." • 199-"Quick! What did that scroll say ?" • 200-"How did he dissappear like that ?" {About a hostile warrior with a ring of invisibility and two attacks per round.} • 201-"I'll try to pick his pockets." {Pockets belonged to a level 30 mage.} • 202-"Maybe we should just kill him." • 203-"Read it to me." {It was a fireball scroll.} • 204-"You mean there's more ?" {About undeads which entered the room} • 205-"MAGIC ITEMS!" • 206-"He looks like a sunburnt elf? Huh." • 207-"I'll light a fire." (In the woods at night (attracted bears)} • 208-"You'd have to be a GOD to smile after that hit!" • 209-GM:"You DID take the swimming skill?" (to a player when character fell overboard.) • 210-"I'll stand guard." (Didn't want to enter orc cave. Orcs were out. Orcs came back.) • 211-"What do you mean I hear water?" {in a tunnel} • 212-"I bar the door!" {Door opened inward.} • 213-"I'll cover you!" • 214-"Take out a Beholder's eyes, and Bingo!" • 215-"I can't possibly miss..." • 216-"Don't worry, I can hit him! I can hit him!" • 217-"Shut up, bird!" {to a parrot who happened to be repeating the True Name of a demon which subsequently exterminated the party} • 218-"But he has to be our friend!" • 219-"How would you like to have this sword?" • 220-NPC:"Take this ring as a token of my esteem." {This party no longer accepts gifts from unknown NPC's.} • 221-PLAYER:"BEGONE THINGS OF EVIL!!!" REPLY:"Begone thing of good." • 222-"I go through the door... Wait, I check for traps!" • 223-"Don't be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you." • 224-"I run up to the monster, throw my magic net over it, and try to take the jewel from around its neck." {But nets don't stop creatures from biting.} • 225-"Hmmm... odd-colored walls. Well, I touch one." {turned to stone} • 226-"I wonder what the black-and-yellow striped ring above the seat does?" { Ejection Seat. No atmosphere and no vacc-suit.} • 227-"What do you mean, vacc-suit proficiency? I thought it was perfectly straightforward, like wearing clothes..." [From a character attempting to fight hand-to-hand in one.] • 228-"But the directions SAID to `pull pin and throw' !" [From a beautifully role-played traveller character from a non-technological world. He was given a scout ship survival pack, whi among other gimcracks, contained concussion grenades. When he got in trouble, of course, he pulled the pin out of one and threw it ("it" being the pin, naturally)...] • 229-"Uh, what does 'explosive decompression' mean?" • 230-"Why the hell do you always put `Graf' before your name? Is that this backward planet's equivalent of `Duke' or something?" • 231-"Don't worry - I have Pilot-7." • 232-"What do you mean `energy weapons are illegal' ?" • 233-"DO NOT OPEN" • 234-"Easy kill." • 235-"I've got you now!" • 236-"Is this one really able to breath fire?" • 237-"Trust me. I know what I'm doing" • Then we'll use the catapult to toss us over the wall. • It worked in the movie.... • I bash the unarmed pesants out of my way (said in front of the Shaolin Monastery on one of their holy parade days). • I know it's an illusion, but i won't disbelieve the bridge until i get across it safely. • On a trip to the 3rd circle of hell: Hey, Cleric! Detect for Evil! ::Poof. Bright blue light and two burnt footprints....::... Well, answers THAT question... • We're fine, bears can't climb trees. • See if you can distract all 9 of it's heads, i'll sneak up from behind. • Hey! I bought the deed to this castle, so all you orcs CLEAR OUT! • What do you mean, Dwarves don't always land on their feet? • Game: Mercenary: My gun jams so i draw my backup weapon. Game Master: Did you ever SAY you were buying ammo for that gun? • Merc: Okay, we see how close we can drive the Tank before the sentry hears us.... • So, if a Succubus takes a level with each kiss, what happens when she gives me a blowjob? • Man, i'm tired of sacrificing to a Healing God when my patron is a God of War... • Whaddaya mean, my Lawful Neutral God's holy symbol doesn't affect the vampire? I reach into the coffin and pry the black emerald out of the corpse's forehead. Is it still glowing? • I reload and :censored::censored::censored::censored: the crossbow while running to safety....(after a ten minute discussion on the use and physics of a 'goat's foot')
Aris Despana The Drow 12-11-03, 03:45 PM	some one post another funny!:D :D :D :D
DSM20T 12-11-03, 05:13 PM	You forgot about "attack!" and/or "Charge!".
Amoun 12-12-03, 12:20 AM	PC: I turn around, use my whistle to summon my troll followers that have been following us and attack the other PCs cause they really just pist me off: Other PC: Dude you are good! You are a paladin! You cant have troll followers and you wouldnt turn on us PC: "Dude" I'm a blackguard and yes I wanted you to think I was good *evil grin* now to finish these upstarts Other PC: Next time remind me never to allow you to buy books called "Evil" ever again DM: Well you guys dice it out, I'll just relax and sip on some more coke :D
Nainoa 12-12-03, 10:32 AM	Three of my favorites... • PC's are in a Minotaur Labyrinth... "Well I can't figure out the clues for the safe route, so I'll just put a hand on one wall, and keep walking eventually I'll get out!" • PC's are deep inside Troll infested moors, they actively approached a large camp of trolls, and started a fight. PC #1: Crap why didn't we buy any torches or oil? PC #2: Crap, I didn't memorize any Fire Spells either! PC #3: So are you telling me the only thing we have is my flint and tinder box! But I'd have to say... My all time favorite... (Years ago) "Why don't we just tie the Mind Flayer up, and interrogate him!" Nainoa
Crust 12-12-03, 10:37 AM	My favorite (and one that we bring up at the table): "I touch the prismatic sphere."
SuperJohan 12-12-03, 01:11 PM	Originally posted by Crust My favorite (and one that we bring up at the table): "I touch the prismatic sphere." hehe, last session the party i dm was in front of a prismatic wall with behind it a great druid staff ( MoF ) and the druid said... Hmm well if we can't do anything against the wall and the statues in front of it arent doing anything ( Iron golems ) the only solution is to just walk through the wall.... And he walked into it. The complete party including me was like WTF!!! It was funny though
Lord_Anthrax 12-12-03, 03:13 PM	"The HEAD of Vecna?? Ooooh, I wonder what powers it grants!!!"
DarkBard 12-12-03, 07:19 PM	"I'm a drow and they are drow ... they won't know who I worship." "it's just a young dragon ..." "This lich can't do anything to us ... I'll just Turn it ..." "Fireballs? LOL I eat fireballs for breakf...uuuh" (oh yeah, they do additional damage for every caster level..I forgot). "I kick the dwarf..." "What are they going to do? Throw rocks at us?" "I'm going to try to [b]charm[/i] the evil guy..."
DSM20T 12-12-03, 08:59 PM	Ah yes. Trogdor, the burninator.
Wardancer 12-12-03, 09:27 PM	In an old WEG Star Wars game: The pcs are running through an underground detention area filled with inhabited slave pens. Jedi: We need to free these slaves. Bounty Hunter: Yeah, they may cover our entrance deeper into the fortress. Corporate Espionage/Saboteur and Jedi's wife (in real life): Who am I? Abraham Lincoln?
Orc Love Freak 12-13-03, 04:09 PM	"we'll just take the goblin camp by surprise!" :looloo: and from 2e: "you're supposed to roll under the save, right?"