Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Gilean 12-17-06, 03:59 AM	This is copied from GameCraft (http://gamecraft.7.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?t=80) forums. Credits thus far go to: rec.arts.sf.written., TonyLB, Levi, mythusmage and komradebob 1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead. 2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't? 3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle. 4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal. 5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering. 6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it. 7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day. 8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable. 9. I will wear _white_ clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black. 10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting wierd, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd. 11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point? 12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centiuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky. 13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors. 14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise. 15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead. 16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient. 17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero. 18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia. 19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments. 20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard. 21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends. 22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses. 23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me. 24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage. 25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la." 26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire *****houses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention. 27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile. 28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun. 29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself. 30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory. 31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression. 32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines. 33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns. 34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire. 35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably... 36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant. 37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs. 38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public. 39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more. 40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first. 41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk. 42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch. 43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier. 44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them. 45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior. 46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me. 47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi. 47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice). 48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me. 49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former. 50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible. 51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight. 52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort. 53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify. 54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death. 55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age. 56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me. 57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around. 58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it. 59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill. 60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing. 61. I will make lots of long term investments. 61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk. 62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros. 63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me. 64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well. 65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that particular location. 66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs. 67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two. 68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong. 69. Fangs are not a melee weapon. While feeding upon an opponent is impressively demoralizing, it involves being totally focussed on the neck, while ignoring everything else ... like, say, a stake-bearing side-kick approaching from behind. 70. I do not have any kinship with "creatures of the night." They are mostly vermin, and universally compete with me. Exterminators are always a good investment. 71. My transylvanian hamlet (if I have one) will be equipped with a cozy little bed and breakfast far away from my castle. An open room will always be ready for any travellers forced to weather a storm. 72. Destiny is not my friend. If a modern young woman is the spitting image of my long-lost love then I will take this opportunity to get over it! 73. The thrill of conquest does not lead to healthy romantic relationships. If a beautiful girl resists my advances, I will remember that I am a charismatic, wealthy immortal with centuries of savoir-faire. Plenty of women will see me as a prize catch. Pursuing the one that doesn't shows a critical lack of self-esteem. 74. Along those lines ... therapy. I'm going to be living in this mind for a long time. Best to make it tidy and comfortable. 75. I will, in fact, not reside in whatever Transylvanian castle I might own, as it will undoubtedly have "vampire legends". I will instead turn it into a 'vampire resort' staffed by actors, and live nicely on the proceeds. 76. Should I rise from the dead after being decapitated or staked or what-have you, I will not seek vengeance against the Hero. I will content myself with outliving them. Elsewhere. 77. Lots of important skills can get rusty over the centuries. I will regularly hire combat specialists to beat the **** out of me. No, it's not fun, but it's more fun than getting a stake in the ventricle while trying to remember how to slip out of an arm-bar. There should never be any excuse for me to utter the words "It's been so long since I had a real challenge!" 78. I will not proclaim I do not imbibe certain beverages. Instead I will explain that it is a religious matter with me. 79. I will not hover over any guests while they shave in the hope they will cut themselves. 80. I will recruit converts to a cult which requires periodic blood sacrifices to my god. Such sacrifices will be small bloodlettings, from different people on each occasion, and the blood will be saved in special containers for later consumption. 81. Human blood is never too good for Loony Tunes jelly glasses. 82. I will make the hero's parents my friends, and maintain that friendship honestly and openly. 83. When my actual state and condition is known to the general public, I will work to ensure that it is seen as a medical condition. 84. If I am immune to any of the traditionally known weaknesses of vampires, I will consider falsifying a phobia of that thing (to lure Heroes to attempt use of it against me). 85. Alternatively, if I am immune to a traditional weakness of vampires, I will also consider making a profession of it to create confusion, such as by becoming a noted garlic chef. 86. My nefarious plans will consist of the slow growth of my personal wealth and power over the centuries, to the point of massive global influence. I will actively finance and assist heroes in stopping plans to end the world, as I intend to continue enjoying the world for a very long time. 87. I will pay all taxes on time. Especially property taxes. Having your house sold at auction while you're snoozing in your crypt is a pain. 88. My minions and I will obey all local ordinances, regulations, and laws. Especially traffic laws. Having to bail out a servitor in the middle of the day for drunk driving can be a pain on more than the existential level. 89. Children will never be invited inside without their parents. 90. This goes double for adolescents. 91. No one, besides me, gets access to the emergency stash. 92. I will never sup from anyone who so much as claims to be HIV positive. He might be lying, but forever is too long a time to spend with AIDS. 93: If I find I absolutely must model my actions after fictional vampires, I will choose a Chelsea Quinn Yarbro character to emulate, rather than an Anne Rice or Bram Stoker character. Characters from The Lost Boys or Underworld are right out, too. 94. I will subscribe to no less than one fashion magazine, one popular magazine relating to technology, and one popular magazine related to "mens" and "womens" interests. I will read these religiously, as appearing dated would be dangerous. 95. I will possess a small library of rare editions and books of history leading back to my living days, which I will show off to guests. This will be my hobby, and will protect me on the occasions where I absolutely must speak from long experience. 96. I will be known to smoke and enjoy liquor. That way, when I rinse the smell of blood out of my mouth with a glass of wine and a quick puff, people will not be confused. Permanently smelling of mouthwash is notably weird; being suspected of alchoholism is common. Add more, if you have any.
Adrez Nesnsid 12-17-06, 07:17 PM	Man, this thread is awesome!!!! There's a couple of things I would like to say about some of the things on the list: 81. Human blood is never too good for Loony Tunes jelly glasses. Have you ever seen the episode of Sealab 2021 with the "Order of Neptune"? There's a scene where one of the characters drinks human blood out of a skull USING A CRAZY STRAW 92. I will never sup from anyone who so much as claims to be HIV positive. He might be lying, but forever is too long a time to spend with AIDS. I can't see why it would matter to somebody who is already dead anyway 75. I will, in fact, not reside in whatever Transylvanian castle I might own, as it will undoubtedly have "vampire legends". I will instead turn it into a 'vampire resort' staffed by actors, and live nicely on the proceeds. Or else be ruined by lawsuits when some confused hero slays one of the actors....
Adrez Nesnsid 12-17-06, 07:22 PM	How about 97.) I will always wear flesh-toned makeup and a wig when in public so that I will show up in mirrors.
Gilean 12-19-06, 05:29 AM	Have you ever seen the episode of Sealab 2021 with the "Order of Neptune"? There's a scene where one of the characters drinks human blood out of a skull USING A CRAZY STRAWNope, unfortunately. Never heard of it.