| Post/Author/DateTime | Post |
|---|---|
| Unluckylukey12-05-07, 11:57 AM | Good or bad I think we all like some humor in our games. Here are some DnD jokes that have been tabled in our games feel free to add to the list. I will add more if people respond with their own. 1) A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?" The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'" The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck" The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!!!!!!!!!" ;) |
| RobbyPants12-05-07, 12:16 PM | This one might work more in a modern setting (or one with copper wire :P) 2) Q: Do you know where to first copper wire came from? A: Two dwarves picked up a copper piece at the same time! |
| Derrigan12-05-07, 12:58 PM | What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? Littering |
| kelvinaw27312-05-07, 01:38 PM | 4) "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?" |
| darkneolink12-05-07, 01:45 PM | 5) for the goblins the orcs are powerfull enemys for the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals for our party they are around 45 XP |
| RobbyPants12-05-07, 01:57 PM | 6) An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?" "In a cave." the parrot replies. |
| Demarest12-05-07, 01:59 PM | What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? Littering. I love this, and I hope more people post jokes like this. I can actually use this in-game, while the PCs are in taverns and inns and such. This is so similar to something I saw last spring that I never forgot, and I don't claim credit for the joke (it may have even been yours, Derrigan, due to the similarity in style), but I have to repeat it for the benefit of the many. Again, I claim no credit to this, and a huge thanks to whoever did create this one. Q: What do you call 1000 gnomes buried up to their necks in sand? A: Someone ran out of sand. (I've actually substituted "goblins" for "gnomes" though, to agitate some we were going to be fighting.) |
| RobbyPants12-05-07, 02:01 PM | 8) A dwarven woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly. On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again. The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know." |
| mastermike3312-05-07, 04:12 PM | A man walks around on the fair and comes across a dwarf on a chair with a rope in his hand.. the man asks: what kind of ride is this? the dwarf replies: bungyjumping for gnomes. a moment later high in the sky a dragon flies by with an angry gnome on its back. the gnome yells at the dwarf on the chair: hey dwarf! i've got a ride for you too its called skydiving for dwarfs |
| Unluckylukey12-05-07, 07:45 PM | 4) "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?" hahahahahha soooooooootrue |
| Kimokeo12-05-07, 09:40 PM | 10) I was walking down the street when this orc and troll saw me carrying my +2 vorpal sword. They asked if I had taken it from the Temple of Elemental Evil. I said I hadn't, just came back from Dragon Mountain and found it in the hands of...what? An orc. Huh? Sheesh. Gosh, I hate telling jokes to non-D&D people. |
| Space_Dragon12-05-07, 09:57 PM | Jesus saves. Everyone else takes full damage. |
| pmurray@bigpond.com12-05-07, 10:16 PM | Goblin your food is bad for your elf. |
| usemagicdevice12-05-07, 11:15 PM | 13) Oh, gnome you didn't! |
| Pudge_is_cute12-05-07, 11:50 PM | Jesus saves. Everyone else takes full damage. :rofl: :rofl: |
| Guardian112-06-07, 10:12 AM | When running low on hp, and MUST be said in deep voice: "(Any color) (any class) needs food badly!" When leveling up, and MUST be said in a deep voice: "(Any color) (any class) has gained a level." Gotta love the Gauntlet games. |
| Brehon12-06-07, 02:04 PM | 15.) An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass. The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side. The human removes the fly and keeps drinking. The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!" |
| makaku12-06-07, 02:40 PM | Two gnomes walk into a bar, The human steps over it.:D |
| DM_Shonuff12-06-07, 03:58 PM | An orc walks into a bar...rubs his nose and says."Ow." How many Dwarves does it take to light a street oil lamp? 300, 1 king to command, and 299 engineers to argue about logistics. Why do the elves not grow facial hair? What? and -not- be mistaken for a lovely woman? Why do dwarves grow a beard? to counterbalance their back hair. What do you tell a half orc with two black eyes? Nothing. he already has been told twice before. How many orcs can ye fit in a barrel? with a fireball spell...all of 'em! How you kill Hummiez guud? Tel dem princezz iz in dragun hole. Fetch dummie. How you kill stinky Elvesez? Tel dem perfume wagon on other side of pit trap! HA! How you kill Gnomezez guud? Walk 'round...squish squish! Why don't dragons ever need teeth pulled? Holy Avenger toothpicks. Two orcs walk into town and look to a man leaning against a building sleeping next to the rear end of a donkey. The orc asks " What time it iz?" The human reaches out lifts the male Donkey's sack and hefts it up and down a bit, then looks back and says "Almost noon." The first orc gasps and the second one says " Dat amazin! How you tell time from Donkey sack?" The human looks over and lifts the Donkey's sack again and points under it. "The clocktower is over there." A dawrf stands guard on a bridge and everyday a small halfling runs over , turns left and leaps off the bridge to great pain and injury. After a week of this the Dwarf stops the human the next time he runs up. "Whut da hell are ye doin, ya durn fool?" The halfling looks up at the Dwarf with a swollen eye and rubs his sprained wrist. "This cleric of Ilmater sold me this ring of levitation, and by gods I'm goig to make it work!" just a few.... |
| Fleck12-06-07, 05:52 PM | How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry? Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty. How do you know an elf raided your pantry? Only vegetables and fruits are missing. How do you know an ogre raided your pantry? Pantry? What pantry? |
| metalmayhem8011012-07-07, 04:21 AM | What's the worst thing you could ever give a gnome for christmas? -A chemistry set, because than you know the ENTIRE city is at risk. How many drow does it take to screw in a light bulb? -Nobody knows, they don't bother. They have darkvision you n00b.... |
| Mock2612-07-07, 05:04 AM | Feats. That's the joke. Not the feats themselves, but the actual word chosen. In its usage it is just as lame as the term non-weapon proficiency was in its designated usage. |
| Unluckylukey12-07-07, 09:28 PM | A PC decides to play a straight gnome fighter!!!! hahahahahah it will never happen but would be funny if it did. |
| Mock2612-08-07, 03:10 AM | Um, there is a 7th level single-classed gnome fighter in my group at the moment. |
| Ikeman0412-08-07, 03:18 AM | "You come to a fork in the road." "I pick it up." It comes up a lot in my group's games. |
| navar10012-08-07, 03:33 AM | Actually happened, when a DM and player were both named Matt. DM Matt: At the end of the hallway is a locked door. Player Matt: I wipe my feet on the doormat. DM Matt: You kick it, but it doesn't budge. Player Matt: No, I wipe my feet on the *doormat*. DM Matt: There is no doormat. Player Matt: No door? Then I walk on through. |
| Dougan Axehammer12-08-07, 03:49 AM | Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with gold. |
| Qube12-08-07, 02:44 PM | Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with gold. I thoughed it was "Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup". never had anyone in the party with weapon prof(bastard) ? or weapon proficiency (BS) ? basterd sword or bull sh*t (same for focus, specialisation, ...) |
| CryoSilver12-08-07, 02:47 PM | "Yo momma's so fat she has Powerful Build!" "Two elves walked into a bar. Now there's a Bar Elf sub-race." |
| Brian_Boitano12-08-07, 03:02 PM | What do you call an orphan who has had his soul placed inside of a weapon? A bastard sword. What do you say to a celebrity who has had their soul placed inside a weapon at dawn? MorningStar. What did Toadie from neighbours do with the corpse of his dead wife when playing d&d a certain amount of time after the event? roll a d20 down a hill What do you call a powerful item which is in the shape of a donkey and allows you to live in a flat? An A-mule - let |
| Black Kitten12-08-07, 03:11 PM | 6) An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?" "In a cave." the parrot replies. "Durotar, they got them all over the place" <--- Quote it well, if you quote WoW. (Durotar is the home-place of the Orcs) |
| FreAkOuTRG12-08-07, 04:09 PM | Pickup line - Hey baby, if you were a book you'd be the Players Handbook - lotta rules in the front, lotta magic in the back. |
| Brian_Boitano12-08-07, 06:04 PM | What does a homophobe have to slip his finger into at a gay bar? A ring of protection What does a desperate traveller eat in a cave? Goblin steamed pies! What do you call the most powerful joke in the d&d world? pun-pun! What do you call a cross dressing high powered creature? a drag-on ! What do you call a boring speech made by a high powered creature? a drag -on |
| Brian_Boitano12-08-07, 06:05 PM | whats the biggest joke in d&d? 4th edition!!! What do underdark elves wear? drowsers! |
| damixmastermike12-08-07, 08:42 PM | 54) Two Orc Barbarians come into a general store, one armed with an over-sized spoon, one with an over-sized fork. They pick out from behind the counter (much to the shop-keeps demise) a pound of salt, half a pound of pepper. Then they start pinching and poking the shop-keep. They look at eachother, satisfied, and leave the store with the shop-keep in hand. 55) A Dwarf Familiy is all sitting around at dinner when the Father Dwarf turns to his wife and says "Hey honey, why not after dinner we let the kids go outside and P.-L.-A.-Y.- so we can fcuk!" 56)Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get accidently swallowed by dragons 57) As the DM, I am more powerful then any real-wold god, as in D&D, NPCs don't have free-will --------------I say this all the time |
| Unluckylukey12-10-07, 08:42 PM | Ok this isn't dm related but I likey a Hamburger walks into a bar the bar man says "we don't serve food here" he says "that's cool I will have a beer" :D |
| Qube12-24-07, 12:59 PM | - knock knock - who's there? - bump. - bump who? - bumb this! |
| bridgekat01-03-08, 09:49 PM | Two gnomes walk into a bar, The human steps over it.:D Thanks! I'm borrowing this one. At every tavern, inn and waystation that the party stops in for the next few weeks, someone is going to approach them and say "have you heard this great new joke..." and tell this one (eventually occasionally butchering the punchline). Watch the Bard go slowly crazy! |
| masterlinktm01-03-08, 10:45 PM | I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer. There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits. The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples." The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond. The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples." |
| Keevo_Darkwood01-04-08, 01:51 AM | Actually happened, when a DM and player were both named Matt. DM Matt: At the end of the hallway is a locked door. Player Matt: I wipe my feet on the doormat. DM Matt: You kick it, but it doesn't budge. Player Matt: No, I wipe my feet on the *doormat*. DM Matt: There is no doormat. Player Matt: No door? Then I walk on through. Have a Third Base point; you've earned it. :P |
| LeeAlucard01-04-08, 10:14 AM | A pair of Clerics are walking down the street when they encounter a pig. This pig, oddly, has only its front legs, its back end supported by a pair of wheels. The pig squeals urgently to the clerics, and walks off, turning every few steps to look back at the clerics. Realizing that the pig wanted them to follow, the clerics hurried after the animal, which led them to a farmhouse. Inside was an injured farmer, trapped beneath a pile of fallen crates. The clerics quickly aid the man, helping him out from beneath the crates and healing him. "Thanks a lot," said the farmer, "y'all saved my life!" "You have your pig to thank," said one cleric. "Yep," said the farmer, "that's the third time that the pig's saved my life!" One of the clerics, curious, asked him, "Why does that pig only have two legs?" The farmer replied, "You don't just eat a pig like that all at once!" |
| Zombie_Babies01-04-08, 10:45 AM | A Pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel in his breeches. Bartender: "Sir, did you know that there is a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts!" |
| Turin01-04-08, 01:33 PM | In my profession we tell this joke as "a contractor, an architect, and an engineer," but here's the D&D version: A human, an elf, and a dwarf are all contracted to build a palace for the great Sultan of the Efreet. Unfortunately, the massive dome collapses and the efreet's harem is crushed to death. Furious, the Sultan orders all three to be executed by beheading. The human is dragged by the efreet's servants to a massive obsidian guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free." Next the elf is dragged to the guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free." Finally, the dwarf is dragged to the guillotine. Just before his head is about to be locked in the stocks he looks up and says, "Ach. I see the problem!" |
| zvbxrpl01-04-08, 05:33 PM | "Two elves walked into a bar. Now there's a Bar Elf sub-race." :heehee Sigged. |
| LeeAlucard01-05-08, 05:03 PM | (Dunno the number) Why did the Leeroy Jenkins cross the road? To get to the chicken and TPK on the other side! (Yeah, I know, it's a WoW joke, but my party suggested it.) |
| TheViolinist01-05-08, 08:59 PM | Jesus saves. Everyone else takes full damage. Another one: "The screen saves, it takes no damage" There is one "joke" I almost cried myself to death when reading... I found it on the boards somewhere... I cant remember what it was though, but I remember somethings. It was about a barbarian I think, who were in a tavern where he said something wrong, and the bartender gave him a lesson. Later on, a lady came in screaming, and told something horrible, when the barbarian said "don't you mean [insert what the bartender told the barbarian here]... It was a pun... If someone knows what sequence I'm talking about... Please link it;) |
| deadkoo01-06-08, 01:29 PM | A halfling walks into a bar and see's a giant jar of gold coins on the wall. Asking the barkeep what it is for, the barkeep tells him, " I have a horse outside. If you can make it laugh you get all of the money. If you fail you put one gold coin in the jar." So the halfling walks outside, and returns a few moments later with the horse laughing. The barkeep shrugs and gives him the jar of gold. 2 weeks later the same halfling returns to the bar and see's another jar full of gold coins on the wall. Asking what THIS jar is for, the barkeep replies, "The horse wont stop laughing. Anyone that can make it stop gets the money." So the halfling walks outside and returns a few moments later, the horse crying his eyes out. As the barkeep gives the halfling the gold, he asks, "just so I know.. what the HELL did you tell that horse?!" The halfling replies, "Last time I told the horse that I had a bigger ***** than it did. This time, I showed it that I did." |
| LordTarmos01-08-08, 04:39 PM | A couple of these are absolutely hilarious. this is good stuff thanks for the laugh guys. |
| Angelic_Demon01-10-08, 01:39 AM | DM: You see a cave. PC: What does the cave look like? DM: It's a cave. It's dark and cave-like. If somebody were to ask you for a good example of a cave, this would be it. Two humans walk into a bar. The gnome walks under it. Big Creature: You know, they say gnomes are famous for their craftiness and engineering techniques. Me? I just find them a good reason to clean my boots. |
| Amon_V01-10-08, 02:03 AM | Orc Jokes: How can you find a Orc Pirate? He's the one with eyepatches over both eyes. What do you call an Orc with half a brain? Gifted. Did you hear about the Orc Magician? He could swallow a sword, be he could only do it once. A Orc Youngling loved to play with sticks, turning them into spears and throwing them around. His Father insisted that he stop, lest he poke someone's eye out. Still, the Orc Youngling refused to listen, and continued throwing his sticks around. Finally, one day, the Orc Youngling threw a stick straight up. Just as it was about to land in his eye, Gruumush, god of the orcs, intervened and waved the stick away. "You'll cry blood for a year" he yelled. And then Gruumush began to blush... |
| Brehon01-10-08, 03:43 PM | A horde of orcs is wandering through the countryside looking for towns to pillage when the chieftain spots a lone dwarf standing on a rocky outcropping atop a nearby hill. The dwarf yells as loud as he can, "I am Bjorn Bjornson and I dare you to send your best warrior up here!" The orc chieftain points at this best warrior and off he goes around the outcropping. The dwarf jumps down and the sounds of battle are heard. Seconds later the orc's head comes rolling down the hill. The dwarf climbs back up and yells, "I am Bjorn Bjornson and I dare you to send your two best warriors up here!" The orc chief points at his two best warriors and off they go. Moments later there are sounds of battle and then both orc heads come rolling down the hill. The dwarf climbs back into view and yells again, " I AM BJORN BJORNSON AND I DARE YOU TO SEND YOUR 10 BEST WARRIORS UP HERE!!" The orc chief waves and his 10 best warriors run around the outcropping. After a few seconds, all 10 heads come rolling down the hill. The dwarf climbs bacl up on the outcropping and yells, "I AM BJORN BJORNSON AND I DARE YOU TO SEND YOUR 100 BEST WARRIORS UP HERE!!" The orc chief motions and 100 orcs charge up the hill. The clash of weapons starts ringing down the hill and dozens of orc heads start bouncing across the ground. Eventually, one orc comes running back down and starts screaming, "Boss, it's a trap! Dere's two of dem!" |
| drunkendrake01-10-08, 10:27 PM | If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, it's a duck... Or a Barbarian subject to Baleful Polymorph. -Drake- |
| damixmastermike01-11-08, 02:34 PM | 76. When reading an engraving, the Dwarf finds that it says "I prepared explosive runes this morning." (Taken from Order of the Stick of course) |
| LoneStranger01-11-08, 06:56 PM | 77. Night falls, DC 18 Reflex save to take half damage. Based on an old joke I had with someone years ago. |
| Ameline01-12-08, 03:44 AM | 77. Night falls, DC 18 Reflex save to take half damage. That goes right along with 78. Dawn Breaks Now roll Craft: Day to fix it. |
| beepaladin01-12-08, 04:58 PM | One my paladin came up with. She smites chaos, not evil, but it can easily be fixed. :) Q: Why did the chaos cross the road? A: To get smited! ...yeah, no one but the other paladin in the group really appreciates the brilliance of that joke ;) |
| Mr_Seth01-12-08, 10:56 PM | 80. An adventuring party of a human bard, a dwarf barbarian, an elf wizard, and a halfling rogue are in a bar, celebrating after a highly successful mission. The barbarian's feeling a bit generous, so he orders drinks for the whole pub - specifically, Dwarven Stout... the good stuff. One hour later, the bard is laughing joyously as he downs his second pint of the stuff. It's not so bad, really, and everyone here is so friendly! Especially this one shapely lass... The dwarf is laughing in a more hysterical manner, slightly tipsy after his fourth pint, as he watches the bard hit on a hatrack. The rogue, still quite sober, is buying the entire bar a third round - this time good, plain halfling nut-wine. And the wizard is passed out in his chair after three sips, and as such neither misses his coin purse or notices the contents of the halfling's first mug that was poured into his lap. ~ 81. A minotaur, three priestesses of Sune, a drow slave, a halfling in a chicken suit, and a dozen ducks walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and asks "What is this, a joke?" ~ 82. What's the difference between a trio of hyperactive adolescent kender and Phantasmal Killer? One is the quickest way known to man to kill a sentient entity. The other is a spell. ~ 83. A human, a dwarf, and a half-orc are working in a mine together. All three have the same problem; the exact same lunch every... single... day. And one day, they all say about the same thing: "If I get this in my lunch one more time, I swear I'll jump down the shaft and kill myself!" The next day comes. The dwarf stares at his mutton-on-wheat with mustard and sighs. "Well, at least it's filling." The human takes out his salted chicken and lettuce on rye and nudges the dwarf next to him. "Trade ya." They swap, and start eating. The half-orc pulls out his turkey leg and goes screaming over the edge. Both the other miners just stare at him. "Huh." The dwarf muttered. "I di'int expect tha'." "You didn't think he'd make such a big deal about his lunch?" The human mused, still a little shocked. "`Specially since he packed `is OWN lunch each day." |
| Lelldorianx01-14-08, 01:52 PM | I'm not jokester, but this deserves a bump so I went and found some jokes. 84. An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?" An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?" The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon" "What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?" The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!" Moral: Always chew your food. 85. Why do dwarves have such big nostrils? Look at the size of their fingers!! 86. Five things you DON'T want your players to say: 1.Ranger wearing plate mail in a misty echoing crypt: "I try to move silently" 2.Apprentice to mage: "By the way master, I finally shot that pesky owl that kept following you around." 3.Party fighting a band of thieves in a 4x3x4m room, when the mage says, with serious tone: "Hell, I cast a fireball, THAT'll teach'em." 4.Party laying on a hillside spying on the Imperial Army of Darkness commanded by Gul the Necromancer himself (+/- 10,000 troops): "Hmmm, if we attack from the rear, do we get bonuses on our attack roll??" 5.Paladin as the lone survivor of a party of 7 facing an army of evil and undead creatures, which just slaughtered his fellow adventurers: "Huh, why should I run? I got protection from evil in a 15ft radius, THEY can't touch me" (last words). 87. A Monk and a Leap of Faith The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy General Priest of Tyr, and the King of Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal. Each of the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most powerful and most loyal. At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a cliff. At the bottom of the 50' drop was a lake and in the lake were poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they started. Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said "Sir Knight, for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake, and return here through the cave." Looking over the scene, the knight replied "I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it." Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said "You are the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron." Shaking his head slowly, the Paladin replied "I cannot do what you ask." The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to send his man over the cliff. The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply "Do it." Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the cliff and into the water. In a flash he was across the lake and entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive. The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. "Son" he said, "Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything, anything at all and it is yours." "All I want..." he replied, "...is to find out who the son-of-a-b**ch was that pushed me...." |
| Mr_Seth01-14-08, 02:19 PM | 88. What do dwarves call elven wine? Grape juice. 89. What do elves call dwarven stout? Rat poison. 90. What's the difference between a human being swallowed by a dragon, and a gnome being swallowed by a dragon? Being swallowed was part of the gnome's plan. |
| Lelldorianx01-14-08, 02:57 PM | Borrowed these from ENWorld, I just used them in my session a few hours ago. Some are good, others are mediocre, and one or two are just crude. Either way, happy gaming! 91. Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards? A: Ask three of them to play the same note. 92. Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight? A: You can shove the wax in your ears. 93. An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run away the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!" The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh." 94. How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle? A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all. 95. What sound does a dwarven god make falling down the stairs? CLANGEDDIN clangeddin CLANGEDDIN clangeddin CLANGEDDIN clangeddin CLANGEDDIN clangeddin 96. Two dwarves, Cearmac and Vezzin, are travelling across the Great Sea in a rather large ship. Although initially apprehensive at first, they settle down as the first two weeks of the voyage are pretty uneventful. Then the third week comes, and, bang, pirate attack. Somehow the dwarves manage to get into one of the life boats. So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of the ship's holds next to their little boat. They manage to pull it aboard, and using a dagger, crack it open. Inside is a small lamp. On a lark, Ceamac pulls it out and rubs it. Poof. A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he will now grant him one wish. Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine dwarvish ale." The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted. Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm. After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any. "Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?" "Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat." 97. A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order. The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire." The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?" The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!" 98. A Human, a Dwarf, an Orc and an Elf each reached the mouth to the cave of an ancient red dragon. This dragon had been ravaging the country-side of each race's kingdom and they were each sent to slay it. The Human drew his sword and charged headlong in screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole. The Orc brandished his axe and charged headlong in yelling, "For my bretheren!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole. The Dwarf then pulls a jar full of Black Lotus extract from his backpack, jams it in the elf's belt and pushes him into the cave screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!!!" 99. I like this one: An ugly man walks into the cleric's office and says: "Father I hurt all over." And the doctor says, "That's impossible . "No really!" he said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts", he replies. The cleric just shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?" The man smiles and says "Yeah. But how do you know?" The cleric replies, "Because, your finger is broken." 100. A barbarian walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of ale. After he's finished those, he orders 9. Some time later he order 8. Later 7 more, then 6, then 5, then 4. By the time he has just ordered 3 pints, one of the other patrons steps up to him and asks: "why do you order your drinks like this?" The barbarians answers: "Haven't you noticed: the less I drink, the more drunk I get!" edit.: 101. This one is good too How many half-orcs does it take to sharpen a sword? Three: one to hold the sword and two to move the grindstone. Badum-PSH! |
| DragonStrife01-14-08, 05:08 PM | 102. A fighter, a cleric and a wizard, stop to rest in an Inn after a long day abroad, being chased by dragons and what not. They go to their rooms, and promptly fall asleep. Late at night the fighter's rug catches on fire, he swears and gets a bucket of water and dumps the water on the fire, stopping the flame. Later that same night, the cleric's curtains catch on fire, she says an oath, measures the exact amount of water needed and puts out the fire, then goes back to bed. In the early morning, the wizard wakes up to find his pack on fire, he goes over examines the flame. Takes carefully notes and charts the hight of the flames, the rate at which they are increasing and such. Then he makes a few calculations, finds that a solution does exist, and goes back to bed. 103. Five more things you hope never to hear your players say... "I cast charm monster on the charging band of Centaurs, that are hitting me with lots of pointy arrows." *Looks at dice* "uh," *Looks back at dice* "Does a 3 save?" (Player)"I am an elf! I am immune to a ghoul's touch" (DM) "These are ghats." Player *Dark mutterings* "I move silently past the raging barbarian looking straight at me" "I got a 4!" (Cookie for reference) |
| LeeAlucard01-14-08, 06:23 PM | (That was Elan's Move Silently roll results in Order of the Stick. Cookie, please!) |
| DragonStrife01-14-08, 07:28 PM | Here ya' go! :cookie: :plotting: 104. How many bards with preform(lute) does it take to light a candle? Three. One to find the match, one to find the candle, and one to light the candle. 105. How many Centaurs does it take to light a candle? None. They just leave the room and come back with a lantern. 106. How many rouges does it take to light a candle. Never. Why would a rouge light a candle? 107. How many bards with preform(fife) does it take to light a candle? One. They stand still and wait for the candle to come to them. |
| wrecan01-15-08, 08:47 AM | Congratulations guys. ThIs thread just made it to the official 1001 Threads List! |
| Derrigan01-15-08, 11:28 AM | 102. A fighter, a cleric and a wizard, stop to rest in an Inn after a long day abroad, being chased by dragons and what not. They go to their rooms, and promptly fall asleep. Late at night the fighter's rug catches on fire, he swears and gets a bucket of water and dumps the water on the fire, stopping the flame. Later that same night, the cleric's curtains catch on fire, she says an oath, measures the exact amount of water needed and puts out the fire, then goes back to bed. In the early morning, the wizard wakes up to find his pack on fire, he goes over examines the flame. Takes carefully notes and charts the hight of the flames, the rate at which they are increasing and such. Then he makes a few calculations, finds that a solution does exist, and goes back to bed. 103. Five more things you hope never to hear your players say... "I cast charm monster on the charging band of Centaurs, that are hitting me with lots of pointy arrows." *Looks at dice* "uh," *Looks back at dice* "Does a 3 save?" (Player)"I am an elf! I am immune to a ghoul's touch" (DM) "These are ghats." Player *Dark mutterings* "I move silently past the raging barbarian looking straight at me" "I got a 4!" (Cookie for reference) Order of The Stick. Elan is such a knucklehead :) |
| Lelldorianx01-16-08, 12:12 PM | 105. Q: What's the difference between a Red Dragon and a giant furnace? A: Adventurers don't throw themselves at furnaces. 106. Q: What does a Great Wyrm call a 20th-level monk? A: Fast food. 107. Q: What's the difference between an insane asylum and a band of dragon hunters? A: Magic swords. 108. Why should human men marry elven women? Because with any luck, he'll be dead before she turns into her mother. 109. A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree. When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!" The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!" The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!" The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!" The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!" The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..." 110. A gnomish bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke. "Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?" The High Priest replies, "I am a Half-Orc." The gnome pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly." |
| CheesieM0nkies01-16-08, 05:46 PM | 105. Q: What's the difference between a Red Dragon and a giant furnace? A: Adventurers don't throw themselves at furnaces. 106. Q: What does a Great Wyrm call a 20th-level monk? A: Fast food. 107. Q: What's the difference between an insane asylum and a band of dragon hunters? A: Magic swords. 108. Why should human men marry elven women? Because with any luck, he'll be dead before she turns into her mother. 109. A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree. When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!" The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!" The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!" The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!" The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!" The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..." 110. A gnomish bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke. "Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?" The High Priest replies, "I am a Half-Orc." The gnome pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly." :invasion: Dude your awsome. Ima memorize all these |
| calronmoonflower01-17-08, 02:57 AM | 111). ______________ |---Watch for--| |falling paladins | |___________ _| || || |
| Lelldorianx01-17-08, 12:15 PM | Haha, good deal M0nkies. Nice "Watch for falling paladins" ^ took a second of thought though :D The first thing I thought of was how one of the paladins in my group said, when cornered by the guard, "I jump off the 60 foot tall building." DM: You wouldn't do that. Paladin: Why yes I would, the max damage I can take is 36, and that's highly unlikely. After 30 minutes of arguing, the DM let him jump, and a person at the bottom slowed his fall. With his mangled hands, he then touched them to himself and was at full health :P |
| DragonStrife01-17-08, 02:16 PM | You know, I'm surprised that no one has said the biggest one of all: Pun-Pun! |
| Brian_Boitano01-19-08, 10:51 PM | my joke involved pun pun |
| Whusmaname01-20-08, 05:21 PM | Haha, good deal M0nkies. Nice "Watch for falling paladins" ^ took a second of thought though :D The first thing I thought of was how one of the paladins in my group said, when cornered by the guard, "I jump off the 60 foot tall building." DM: You wouldn't do that. Paladin: Why yes I would, the max damage I can take is 36, and that's highly unlikely. After 30 minutes of arguing, the DM let him jump, and a person at the bottom slowed his fall. With his mangled hands, he then touched them to himself and was at full health :PWhat did they argue about, Metagaming? (Not sure what number): An elf walks into a bar full of dwarves, and the bartender looks at the elf, compares him to everyone else in the bar, then says, "Why the long face?" (Weak, I know, but I just made it up.) |
| CheesieM0nkies01-30-08, 06:45 PM | 111). ______________ |---Watch for--| |falling paladins | |___________ _| || || Happend in our adventure: DM: You see a fat sumo paladin fallling out of the sky onto you Player: I move out of the way DM: You cant Player: Why not? DM: Hes got you locked on What do you call a dwarf gone bungee jumping? A Wrecking Ball! A human sees a pile of coal on the ground. He looks at it and says " I could use some coal to heat my house," takes some and leaves. A halfling sees the pile, says "I could throw these at people" takes some and leaves. A dwarf walks by, sees the pile and says "I coudl really use some lunch!" takes the rest of the pile and leaves. |
| Drackthor01-30-08, 08:57 PM | "Durotar, they got them all over the place" <--- Quote it well, if you quote WoW. (Durotar is the home-place of the Orcs) That joke actually started before WoW. You roll a 6 on your Profession (Internet) check. You fail. |
| Drackthor01-30-08, 09:17 PM | This wasn't from my party, but a party I was permitted to sit in on for a session. DM (To the Group Paladin): You've fallen. Paladin: And I can't get up? |
| CrazyGuy01-30-08, 11:23 PM | A Fighter walks into a bar and says "Ow". What is the difference between a Half-Orc and a rock? About two points of Intelligence, rock's favor. An Elf and a Half-Orc walk into a bar. The Gnome ducks. Did you hear the one about the banshee? It is a scream. Did you hear the one about the Werewolf? You will howl. Did you hear the one about the angry mob? It is a riot. A Dwarf, a Cleric, a Wizard, and a Halfling walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it coming. (If you think I am getting tired of variations on this gag, think again.) Once upon a time, a Ranger was trying to capture a rare beast called a Medicran. After watching his prey for days, and studying its habits, he digs a pit right in the path it usually traveled. The Medicran comes along, circles around the pit, and is on its way. Bait, the Ranger thinks, I need bait. So he throws some sugar in the pit. The Medicran comes by, circles around the pit, and is again on its way. Maybe some meat? So the Ranger gets a Loon, and throws it in the pit, and the Loon promptly stuffs itself on the sugar. The Medicran comes a long, looks down, and jumps right in. The moral of the story? Just a Loon full of sugar helps the Medicran go down. What do you have if you bury a Drow up to its neck in sand? Not enough sand. What do you call a hundred Drow buried up to their necks in sand? Progress. A Fighter, a Dwarf, an Orc, and a Halfing walk into a bar. The barkeep takes one look at them and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?" Baby Yuan-Ti: Mommy, mommy, are we poisonous? Mommy Y-T: I do not think so dear. Why? Baby Y-T: I just bit my tongue. A Werebear walks into a bar and says "I want an ale... and some nuts." The barkeep says "Why the big paws?" A Knight barges into a bar with his hand on the hilt of his sword. "Alright," he bellows, "Which one of you low-lifes painted my horse green? Stand up and show yourself!" At this, the biggest Orc you ever seen, over 7 feet tall and 350 pounds, stands up and ambles over. "Yeah, dat's me," he rumbles, "what didja want?" The knight swallows and says "I just wanted to tell you I think it is time for a second coat." |
| Mr_Seth01-31-08, 07:44 PM | You know, I'm surprised that no one has said the biggest one of all: Pun-Pun! And so Seth's Law has been fulfilled. Another joke for the list, this is a long one. ~ Three goblins were raising a dire boar on the edge of a town for a large banquet. Try as they might, they couldn't fatten the thing up, and scooping the dung had become a real trial - there was a lot of it, and they had to move quickly before the ill-tempered thing decided to charge them. The goblins got to talking, and one of them laughingly suggested that if the boar stopped pooping, both of their problems would be solved. Unfortunately, he suggested it aloud. Both his buddies started thinking of it seriously... immediately. They decided that yes, it was the best course of action, but how to go about it? A cork! Yes, a cork, but who would put it up inside the boar? None of them wanted to do it. And honestly, who could blame them? They could scarcely get close enough to feed it. After a while, one of the goblins got the idea - train something else to do it. A gully dwarf! So the goblins went out, grabbed a gully dwarf, and put it in a room with a bunch of bottles and corks. Through a far-too-long process, they managed to teach the dwarf to put corks in everything that had holes in it. A week later, they tossed a big, BIG cork into the room... and then opened the door. There was the boar, devouring a leg of lamb. And there was the cork. The dwarf did what he was trained to do, and ran back into the safety of the room before the poor dire boar knew what happened. Time passed, and the boar did indeed grow to enormous girth. By the time the festival came around, it could scarcely walk. At that point, one of the goblins decided it was time to take the cork out - after all, the cork wouldn't cook well! But again, none of the goblins wanted to approach the boar, even in its almost-immobile condition. So back they went to their new pet, the gully dwarf. A long week of training the dwarf to remove corks from bottles followed, and soon it was doing so with enthusiasm, delighted in its own proficiency with the task. So eager was he that he almost charged the boar when he was let loose from his little room again... ... The next day, the goblin tribe's chief entered the cleric's tent, and was almost bowled over from the stench. He knelt by the bed of the first goblin. "Hey, you! What happened?" The goblin groaned and opened his one remaining eye. "All I remember... is the boar... and the dwarf... and... and pain... so much pain..." He rolled over and blacked out again. So the chieftain went to the second goblin. "HEY! What happened?" "All... all I remember... is the poop... everywhere... dear Maglubiyet, the poop!" The goblin gasped, clutched his chest, and collapsed. The chief shook his head, disgusted, and nudged the third goblin. "HEY! What happened?" "All I remember... is that poor dwarf... trying to put the cork back in....!" ~Finis~ |
| Pwydde02-03-08, 04:36 PM | Q: Why did the Wizard lose his job? A: His license got evoked |
| damixmastermike02-15-08, 12:00 PM | /bump |
| cjhobbitbane02-15-08, 01:55 PM | What would a paladin do? Paladin of Tymora: I'll flip a coin. Tails you live and head you lose yours. Paladin of Sune: I won't kill you but if you'd like one last *wink*nod*wink* then stand at the back of the line. Paladin of Cyric: It would be my honor. *kill* *raises as undead* Paladin of Torm: You DARE to abandon your post? Torm strike you down coward! *kill* Paladin of Loviatar: Hold that thought; here are some nice Orc gentlemen I wanted you to meet. Paladin of Waukeen: What's it worth to ya? Paladin of Mask: Well I dunno.. LOOK OVER THERE! *Backstab, rifle through coinpurse* Paladin of Oghma: *First recites a summation of this thread, complete with cross-indexed references and legal precedences from 3 planes, citing various previous Paladins and dieties and the various and sundry means by which such an act could be accomplished and justified then stops as the orc horde falls over from boredom and blinks owlishly* "I'm sorry, what was the question again?" |
| SCOUT1IDF02-24-08, 11:45 PM | I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer. There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits. The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples." The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond. The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples." THAT HURT'S!!!!!! :mymy: :blink: :mymy: _ |
| Baddum1202-25-08, 12:17 AM | Haven't read through them all... but in case it hasn't been said already... A dwarf walks into a bar... roll a d8 for damage. |
| Ace_of_time02-25-08, 08:45 PM | Two adult male red dragons are standing at the top of a volcano Peeing. The first one says " Wow the lava's hot." And the second one says, "Yeah and deep too." |
| cjhobbitbane02-25-08, 10:41 PM | Two adult male red dragons are standing at the top of a volcano Peeing. The first one says " Wow the lava's hot." And the second one says, "Yeah and deep too." I dont get it.... |
| Killer_Rabbit02-25-08, 11:09 PM | What do you call a fighter without his armor? What do you call a wizard without his spellbook? What do you call a bard without his instrument? What do you call a druid wearing full plate? What do you call a monk wearing armor? What do you call a cleric without his holy symbol? What do you call a sorcerer without material components? What do you call a paladin without morals? Answer to all of the above? Stuffed. |
| Qube02-26-08, 02:34 AM | Two adult male red dragons are standing at the top of a volcano Peeing. The first one says " Wow the lava's hot." And the second one says, "Yeah and deep too."I dont get it.... :confused: yeah, I mean, dragons don't exists :D (cjhobbitbane: it makes perfect sense for a red dragon to think of a pool of lava as 'deep' instead of 'hot'. since their immune to fire, for them its yust like a pool of water) |
| cjhobbitbane02-26-08, 09:49 AM | :confused: yeah, I mean, dragons don't exists :D (cjhobbitbane: it makes perfect sense for a red dragon to think of a pool of lava as 'deep' instead of 'hot'. since their immune to fire, for them its yust like a pool of water) ....i got that part, i didnt get the funny..... |
| Mr_Seth02-26-08, 06:03 PM | It's a wang joke. If you don't get it, you aren't thinking dirty enough. On to more funniness... What do you get when you cross-breed a dwarf with a halfling? Someone that picks your pocket, then lectures you about the illegal contraband you were carrying in it for an hour. What do you call the cross-breed of a dragontaur and an owlbear? Confused. How many dwarves does it take to change a lantern wick? Nineteen. One to change the wick, two to grumble about how badly the wick was made, and sixteen to drink to the memory of the last wick. How many halflings does it take to change a lantern wick? Two. One to change the wick and another to work over the crowd during hte brief darkness. How many gnomes does it take to change a lantern wick? None, thanks to Captain McSchnaedororip's Wickless Clockwork Lanterns! How many elves does it take to change a lantern wick? Three. One to change the wick, and two to distract nearby outsiders so they don't figure out that the lanterns aren't actually magic. How many drow does it take to change a lantern wick? Only one, but you have to get him really ****** off at everyone around him first. How many hobgoblins does it take to change a lantern wick? 30,751. 100 to scout out the neighboring kingdom, 30,000 to invade it, 700 to act as spell support and tactical planners, 50 to organize the raiding parties and send the needed loot - to wit, a lantern wick - where it needs to go, and one to change the wick. |
| Ekkoe02-26-08, 07:34 PM | Ok this isn't dm related but I likey a Hamburger walks into a bar the bar man says "we don't serve food here" he says "that's cool I will have a beer" :D This is actually a Muhammad Ali joke, taken out of context. To quote him: "I walked into a diner and said "Can I get a cheesburger." The man behind the counter said "We don't serve black people." So I said "I ain't eatin' them either, just give me the damn cheeseburger!"" |
| LeeAlucard02-26-08, 07:35 PM | Your math is off, man. |
| Ace_of_time02-26-08, 07:51 PM | 1. It is from the old joke about about two men standing on a bridge peeing. It means the second dragon has a longer middle leg so to speak. 2. The are immune to fire. That doesn't mean they could feel the heat from the lava. They just would be damaged by the heat. |
| new_fashion_guy02-29-08, 11:07 AM | whats the biggest joke in d&d? 4th edition!!! bwaaahaaahaaaa! |
| cjhobbitbane02-29-08, 12:34 PM | 1. It is from the old joke about about two men standing on a bridge peeing. It means the second dragon has a longer middle leg so to speak. 2. The are immune to fire. That doesn't mean they could feel the heat from the lava. They just would be damaged by the heat. and after all that, its still not funny... |
| Qube02-29-08, 02:04 PM | the biggest joke in d&d? I'dd say: 3.5 |
| cjhobbitbane02-29-08, 05:06 PM | the biggest joke in d&d? I'dd say: 3.5 hold your tongue vermin! |
| Mr_Seth02-29-08, 08:24 PM | Hey, HEY! No edition-slandering here. 4e isn't out yet, 3.5 is almost universally beloved, broken rules and all, so let's not have any mudslinging. Now, then... ~ How many orcs does it take to change a lamp wick? Two - one to chop the lamp post down, smash the glass, and replace the wick, and one to stick the chopped lamp post back in the ground. What is the orc term for a halfling longsword? Pocketknife What is the dwarven term for an orcish waraxe? Shrapnel on a stick An elf, a goblin, and a dwarf have found a genie's lamp. The genie tells them that it will give each of them one wish - whatever they desire will come to pass. The goblin scratches his head and says "Well, everyone's always killing my people. I wish we had a homeland of our own, where we wouldn't be bothered by other peoples." POOF. The goblin is gone. Then the elf makes his wish - "I wish my people were restored to the land of our past, to the glory of the old elven empire." POOF. The elf is gone. Now it's the dwarf's turn. The genie asks him what he wants. "Er... `scuse me, but did you just teleport all the elves from this land?" The genie nods. "And all the goblins?" It nods again. The dwarf nods sagely. "I'll have an ale." |
| Tectorman03-01-08, 01:14 AM | I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer. There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits. The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples." The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond. The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples." Continuing the joke... Then a few minutes pass and the elf looks around, saying, "So why hasn't the halfling come to join us yet?" #(the number after the last one) I tried putting this into D&D terms, but I don't know if "hemorroids" would be setting-appropriate. Oh, well. Two Rangers, Bob and Steve, are best friends and would always go hunting at the end of every week. Unfortunately, Steve had the annoying habit of falling asleep under his tree, forcing Bob to always have to wake him up before they traveled back home. So one weekend, they go into the forest and part ways, Steve to his usual lookout, Bob to his favorite area. In short time, Bob finds a rather large buck and downs it with a single arrow. Well, the buck is rather heavy, so Bob goes over to Steve's usual haunt to get his help in dragging the deer all the way back up to their wagon. But when Bob gets there, Steve is, sure enough, sound asleep. Rather than wake him up, Bob decides to play a prank on his friend. He goes back to the body of the deer, cuts him open, removes the deer's intestines, and then goes back to where Steve is and stuff's the deer's guts down Steve's pants. Then Bob labors over dragging the dead deer up to the wagon, but drag it he does. Then he waits. Finally, he sees Steve walking up out of the forest. "Hey, what happened? I killed this humongous deer and had to drag him up here all by myself. Did you fall asleep again?" Steve says, "Yeah, but I think this is the last time I'll be doing that. I had the strangest dream that I was being attacked by an otyugh. And when I woke up, I had the worst case of hemorroids ever." Then Steve adds, "By the grace of Pelor and a sharp stick, I was able to stuff it all back up in there." |
| Josheva03-01-08, 04:26 AM | Er... `scuse me, but did you just teleport all the elves from this land?" The genie nods. "And all the goblins?" It nods again. The dwarf nods sagely. "I'll have an ale." :heehee I love it! A half-orc barbarian is chasing a gnome through a forest, intent on killing and robbing him. The gnome, screaming, runs straight into an efreeti who is studying the ways of druids. "Enough!" Yells that efreeti, "I can't concentrate with all this noise! If both of you will just stop bickering I will grant you three wishes each." The gnome hastily agrees to the efreeti's terms. The half-orc, intent on getting his way, pushes the gnome to the side. "This is simple," declares the half-orc. "I wish that every other orc in my tribe was female." The efreeti nods his head, declaring the wish complete. The gnome looks at the half-orc, smiles, then makes his first wish. "I wish for a riding dog." The efreeti nods his head. "Stupid Gnome" taunts the half-orc, "You could wish for a whole pack of dogs, or gold to buy them with!" The gnome is intent on his wish, so the half-orc makes his second. "You know, maybe just the women in my tribe aren't enough? I wish that every other orc in the kingdom was female." The efreeti nods his head then looks at the gnome. "I wish for a saddle for my riding dog" says the gnome. The efreeti nods. "Again the gnome is stupid!" says the half-orc. "Gold could get you both those things and more." The gnome ignores the half-orc's words, so the half-orc continues to make his final wish. "Come to think of it, we sometimes raid villages outside this kindom, maybe just the orcs around here aren't enough? I wish that every other orc in the world was female." The efreeti nods his head. The gnome calmly walks over to his dog and pats it on the nose. He picks his new saddle off the ground and straps it to his mount. He jumps on the dog, looks far into the distance and utters his final wish before galloping off towards the horizon. "I wish Mr.Half-Orc was gay." |
| Whusmaname03-01-08, 10:42 AM | Haven't read through them all... but in case it hasn't been said already... A dwarf walks into a bar... roll a d8 for damage.That can be taken both ways. (IE: Damage the dwarf suffers/does to the bar) Same start: A dwarf walks into a bar with a rather ugly looking gnome under his arm. The bartender says, "Ugh! Where'd you get that atrocity?!" "From the mines." The gnome replies. |
| Qube03-01-08, 02:02 PM | from my sig: cleric 1: psst. healing isn't that screwing with life forces? cleric 2: yeah so? cleric 1: isn't that necromancy? cleric 2: oh cr*p, that true. and were against necromancy. cleric 3: i know, lets call it conjuration(healing) !!! cleric 1: Yeah ! cleric 2: Great idea ! wizard 1: hey, cure light wounds ... isn't that necromancy? cleric 1: HERETIC !!! cleric 2: BURN HIM !!! cleric 3: TO THE PYRE !!! Fighter: Yo, I can kill a guy in 1 round Cleric: HA, I can kill a guy in 1 standard action Wizard: HA, I can kill a guy before my round Bard: I can get 3 idiots to kill a guy for me ... |
| HaloJunky03-04-08, 12:18 AM | Actually happened: PC walks into room with three evil minions and stabs one with a dagger, he turns the remaining 2 and says " It was you!!!" (rolls 40 bluff) both minions roll 5 and 6 on SM, they turn to each other and say in unison "You Killed Kenny!!! You Bastard!!!" at which point they fight to the death. |
| Jakonen03-04-08, 02:12 AM | Another one: "The screen saves, it takes no damage" There is one "joke" I almost cried myself to death when reading... I found it on the boards somewhere... I cant remember what it was though, but I remember somethings. It was about a barbarian I think, who were in a tavern where he said something wrong, and the bartender gave him a lesson. Later on, a lady came in screaming, and told something horrible, when the barbarian said "don't you mean [insert what the bartender told the barbarian here]... It was a pun... If someone knows what sequence I'm talking about... Please link it;) Yeah that was the 1001 best lines ever thread since i can find the post, it went like this. This barbarian was visiting a Scottish inspired tavern and the barkeep is wearing a kilt. Barb: what are you wearing a dress for? Barkeep: It's a kilt! Barb: who's been killed? Barkeep: no that what this is called. Barb: oh. <A few moments later a woman runs in> Woman: oh my god, he's been killed. Barb: don't you mean kilt? |
| Josheva03-05-08, 05:04 AM | A dwarf wearing a kilt walks into a bar. An elf leans over to his human companion. "Hey, have you ever heard why dwarves wear kilts?" "Why's that?" "It's because they've heard that we elves don't kill women and children!" I heard that one in real life. You can probably guess who the dwarves and elves represent in this joke. Can anyone think of better races to fit in here? |
| Gentlemanic03-05-08, 06:38 AM | - Ranger: I ask my dog to track. DM: Fine, roll a Spot check. Ranger: But I don't..? Aaah.. Touché. - DM: A comet. You die. PC: Why? Don't I get a save? DM: *Sigh*... Oke fine. PC: Natural 20! :D DM: You die. - A plutonium dragon walks up to a half orc fighter standing in front of a bar. "Nice dragonskin boots you're wairing there" he growls at the orc. "Thanks," says the orc "I made them myself." - A sultan has a harem of women and every night he sleeps with a different one. Every morning the girl returns to the rest bragging about what a great lover the sultan is. After two weeks however, the girls start to notice that their lord is getting more and more nervous. So one night one of his wives asks the sultan what it wrong and he answers: "I've been lucky so far, but statistically a 1 is going to come up any day now.." So, the girl asks the sultan why he won't take 10 on his checks. "I'm a politician." the sultan answers "I am always threatened!" - An orc joins a spelling bee and he actually gets to the finals. "Alright Allrock, spell the word "Focus" please." So the orc goes: "Uhhh.. Isn't there a feat for that?" - DM: So guys, today we'll try my new initiative houserule: Whoever yells hardest gets to go first. PC: I ATTACK THE DARKNESS! PC: TIMMMMMY! PC: I GOT A 1! PC: LEEEEROYYYYYYY - Paladin to wizard: What? You have been silenced for the entire day? Why didn't you tell us? |
| Creoiys03-05-08, 09:58 AM | Before you get mad at someone, walk a mile in their elven boots. Then you'll be a mile away, and have a nice new pair of elven boots. Give a commner a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Cast fireball on that sucker, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life |
| Josheva03-05-08, 04:02 PM | In Soviet Greyhawk, a tavern walks into you! I read that somewhere :P |
| Azeur03-11-08, 07:11 PM | Anyone know the joke about a rogue who failed so hard on hide that one of the players said jokingly "Hey, is that a tree behind the rogue?!" |
| Loftower03-11-08, 09:51 PM | That reminds me of something that happened in my game: The fighter is surprised on watch and hit with lighting. The player asks, “Where did that come from?” When the player rolls his check his roll is so poor that with his penalty for his very large helmet, the result is a negative number. My answer: “Outside the helmet.” |
| Ace_of_time03-12-08, 09:36 AM | and after all that, its still not funny...It's a corny joke. You laugh because it is stupid. |
| vaderboy03-12-08, 10:30 AM | Guns don't kill people, magic missiles do. Halfling fighter, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. |
| kshade03-12-08, 05:03 PM | This one came up last session: Q: Why did the potato field collapse? A: Because the dwarves were harvesting from bellow. |
| FlikTheBlueLightning04-20-08, 04:59 PM | My buddy just sent me this: Q: Where are you when a demon pushes you up against a wall? A: Between a vrock and hard place. |
| Azeur04-20-08, 05:22 PM | My buddy just sent me this: Q: Where are you when a demon pushes you up against a wall? A: Between a vrock and hard place. I don't get it :( |
| pawtucket_pat04-20-08, 06:24 PM | I don't get it :( "Between a rock and a hard place" is a common saying. So "between a vrock and a hard place" is a really awful pun. |
| Azeur04-21-08, 09:15 AM | "Between a rock and a hard place" is a common saying. So "between a vrock and a hard place" is a really awful pun. Never heard it before, what does it mean? |
| Qube04-21-08, 09:45 AM | Never heard it before, what does it mean?not having a choice, possibly because of coersion "He paid the kidnappers: he was between a rock and a hard place" |