Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Drausktanchache 07-15-06, 11:04 PM	On a lighter note give me funny things you have heard here are some... 1. In this i was a neutral evil assassin/rouge, i had 2 daggers and one was a dagger of poison +2, my sneak was +20 Player: tell us what is in the chest. Player (me): [I moon you] no it is all mine!!!! Player: I slash you with my dagger (rolls) 6! DM: you take 6 points of damage and you cannot sit down comfortably for a month. Player (me): Ow! i guess i won't share (pulls out dagger coated in Black Lotus Extract) Player (me): anyone want to help stop the bleeding? Player: HAHAHA! NO!!!! Player (me): i take all that is in the chest and go to a cleric DM: you are heald and you have a huge scar..you still cannot sit down for a month and your sneak is lowered by 5.
thaylok 07-15-06, 11:42 PM	Okay, Last week, (Running Age of Worms, module 4) (group is more H-N-S, sorry) Copper: I cross the plank DM (Me): Okay, Give me 2 balance checks and you're moving 1/2 speed Copper: Okay I get 18 and... DM: And the plank crumbles below you you fall into the weapon filled water below and hit *roll roll roll* 2 spears Copper: Can I try to avoid them DM: No, *Roll CRITICAL, Roll CONFIRM, Roll MAX -2 damage* because you just had your yearly dental exam via colonoscopy Copper: WHAT? Oh Great, I thought I told him I did not bat for that team. A little funnier, was Today's We were going through some sewers, and came across the mapped area of this adventure. I had rolled out my map, and used a few books to cover the map. It seems that I used a napkin to mark a page in my DMG, and the players noticed this.. Nuget: Okay, Guys, I see a break in the sewers, seems to go to natural caverns, and a Giant Napkin is in it. Copper (Who is married): Man, hate to see the woman who deposited that one here. DM (Also married): Not Gonna Say A thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (all others are single guys ages 14-32)
Mr_Hackman 07-16-06, 05:45 AM	4) DM: your psuedodragon pet tells you the meat patty you just purchased tastes like gnome meat. Players: :uh-huh: :mymy: :twitch: :thinks: :blink:
fefnir 07-16-06, 10:49 AM	This was at 3am and the dm kinda lost intrest and was to tired. This was also funny to every one but my charater. Player: i make a grapple check to try and rape the ranger. I got at 12 player (me): what the hell. I roll a 18. Player: im going to attemped a bull rush. I just walk away from the table and ask why. He says to try and get the dm to do some thing. Dm didnt even notice. heres another one in another campain. differnt dm. DM: you feel a sudden surge on negative energy and are in the negative hp. Player: can i try and get my allies over here. DM: nope your out cold. about a hour later in a druid healing center. DM: your awake but in extream pain. the druids dont have any pain killers so they have to beat your rouge out cold to stop the screaming. player: :eek: rest of player: laffing like hell
Prismite 07-16-06, 04:55 PM	I once DM'd a group of players that consisted of A paladin, wizard, ranger and fighter. All were human, save for the fighter, who was a Dwarf. The group came to a cresent-shaped hill. The sides sloped down towards a burning village while straight ahead was a 100+ft cliff. Strangely enough, the party started busting out ropes and grappling hooks. I was perplexed. They got off thier horses and started making preperations to climb down. Even the wizard, who had Levitate memorized, tried to climb down. The Wizard was the first to go, rappelling(sp?) down the mountain side...or... TRYING to. See, nobody got a chance to tie down the rope before he jumped down, because the fighter had tied the end of the rope around his waist. The result was the wizard and the fighter barrelling off the cliff, thudding against the earth at the bottom. In a frenzied effort to help, the ranger pulled out a set of daggers and started slowly climbing down the edge using his daggers as claws. Unfortunately he managed to roll a pair of natural 1's on his appropriate checks, slipping and falling to the earth as well. The paladin... calmly and proudly walked down the side slopes without care. In about 4 rounds he reached the clump of bodies. The players sat with thier jaw agape and sat in complete silence of thier own stupidity for several minutes. ~P~
Jet Destro 07-16-06, 11:26 PM	Rogue- I put out my torch and attempt to sneak by the orge Dm- Its too dark, you might be eaten by a Grue.
Kyle_the_wizard 07-17-06, 12:08 AM	I dm'd this and the players approached and i quote ..." The cave gets dramatically smaller here to only about 7 feet high and 20 feel long, around the entrance to this smaller cave mouth there are many spikey protrusions. You cannot see past the wall of spikes but the air around you moves at a steady pace like in 2 directions. The air is rancid and reeks of death and decay" Player:"I pull out my flashlite(everburning spell in map case) and walk in." Players2-4:"We sheath our weapons and follow" ...Needless to say this collossal red dragon was quite amused at his free level 17 snack...
Garilario 07-17-06, 12:15 AM	A metagaming new player who doesn't know what metagaming means. Player A screwed his boss's business, and is about to be fired. DM(looking at 'spells' part of PHB): choose a number, 1~3. A: er.... 3... DM: Your boss put his hands on your shoulder, says "You're fired, leave now." A: Now I go to the church and ask a cleric if I have some.... er... something on me.... B: metagaming...(meant to say A is metagaming) A: Ah.. yes... ask if I have some metagaming on me... DM: YES, your have LOTS of metagaming on you! Everyone except A: ROFL
BDtrowa77 07-17-06, 12:17 AM	DM: A hoarde of donkeys, 25 to be exact, appear in front of the demon. The strange box disappears and then reappears in the rogue's hands. Morris, your water elemental's turn. Me: So can my elemental flow through the donkeys and try to grapple the demon? All: <Dead silence> Ten seconds later All: <Unanimous laughter> Same session, hours later. Ronaldo (Rogue): I'm so charismatic I sh*t Chippendales.
centalian 07-17-06, 05:17 AM	This was a game where we were just messing around. We had recently acquired Savage Species and were bored. One player rolled up a Vrock and another an Incubus. To make a long story short, the pair acquired some slaves. The Vrock forced two of the males slaves and then two of the female slaves to battle to the death, lest he kill all of them. Once he ate the remains of the two losers, he took the survivors to another room and said: "You two, [insert expletive for sex]! I want chicken nuggets."
Renvale999 07-17-06, 08:47 AM	Had a fighter/ghostwalker with a really high intimidate. Walked into a room with a balor with the three other party members behind me. Me: Drop you weapon spawn of evil!!!! "rolls" got a 39 on the check Players 2: Rolls dice DM: "rolls" The balor drops his sword. You also hear the clattering of a weapon behind you. Me: I turn around DM: You see the party's paladin's weapon on the floor Player 2: "Female playing the female paladin to my character" Oh sorry, "picks up weapon" it's just sometimes you're really scary. Utter silence then ROFL for about 10 minutes.
Banning 07-18-06, 04:37 AM	okay I was DMing a small prequel to a camp I will be running so I can let my PCs know what skills they will need on the open seas, and meet an NPC or two. Well they were on a merchant ship headed to another port, but didn't have fare, and said they'd pay at port. PC1: while walking to the mess hall I get to the side of the captain PC2: I get in flanking position, and ready an action PC1: We attack Me: -doesnt even look at sheets- You miss, horribly. The captain glares with anger at you two. Suddenly two doors open and you find flintlocks aimed at your heads. It finally dawns on you, hes been dating a pirate captain, thats why his ship hasn't been attacked. PC1: Psh its just two girls, we can take tem PC2: I attack the captain's little sister Me: You miss -rolls dice several times- You both take an obscene amount of damage. PC1&2: How obscene? Just insulting, or REALLY obscene Me: REALLY obscene -holds up paper with damage written on it. PC1: I'm at -30 PC2: -20 here Me: ...ahem... SUBDUAL damage. needless to say my PCs are very afriad of fighting NPCs I give names to.
Isebas 07-30-06, 10:06 AM	The DM was describing a woman that my group had just seen coming out of a local inn. DM:The woman appears to have drank to much and is stumbling around alot and her skin is covered in dirt and her skin seems to be covered in oozing boils and a nose a giant would call big. PC1: Damn she sounds hideous!Who is she? DM:It's your mother... :rofl: That was really hilarious I couldnt stop laughing for about 5 minutes.Apparently he couldnt recognize her since she had come down with some kind of disease.
shruggar 07-30-06, 10:25 AM	"My character likes to metagame"
Radijs 07-30-06, 10:48 AM	The PC's where in the basement of a weak necromancer and they where fighting a ghost and 2 crocodile skeletons which where floating in a broken sewer pipe. The bard (aspiring to be a knight) got attacked by one crocodile and lost the subsequent grapple check. Close call and all but he managed to get free eventually and was pulled out at that point I said: "And the aftertaste!" *Pthooei!* A few weeks later the party found some healing potions in a haunted mansion. The taste reminded the bard of a certain crocodile.
A_Wizard_for_Breakfast 07-30-06, 10:50 AM	In one game, we needed to get out of this city. Long story short, this DM really liked odd solutions to problems and made sure every possible mundane angle was covered. We were at 5th level, I believe and had secured passage on a ship...but didn't have enough money to pay for it. Here begins our story. Player A: That ship looks good, let's talk to the captain. Player B: Ahoy, Captain! May we have a word? Player A: Captain, would you be willing to rent us your ship for say...an hour? Captain: What the hell? Player B: Just an hour Captain, we'll give you 100 gold if you'll leave your ship and your crew here for one hour. Captain: Deal! If she's not here and above water when I come back.... Player A: Yes, sir, she'll be tip-top. Captain leaves... Player A to Player B: Go find somebody that wants to buy a ship. DM: :clap: After a particularly long shot spell paid off the halfing wizard...: I am all that is halfing! :dancin:
Tillie_the_Pirate 07-31-06, 03:16 AM	Rogue- I put out my torch and attempt to sneak by the orge Dm- Its too dark, you might be eaten by a Grue. I LOVE YOU -FHQWHGADS
weasel0 07-31-06, 03:54 AM	a little while ago- DM - You find a number of goblin stools around some hot ashes, obviously some gaurd post with some provisions. the passageway goes left and right from here. Us - Okay lets stack whatever is here in the left hallway barracading it and going to the right. ---a little later----- DM - Okay the goblins have cover behind the stools Us - Man, how much cover do they get?? DM - *rereads the text* hmmm you guys realize there were only 3 stools and they're like 1 foot high.... Us - *starting to laugh* and there are four goblins trying to hide behind them!! Everyone laughs tonight --- 3 dwarfs, 1 halfling-we pushed a cart out to the dungeon area to carry loot---- me(halfing cleric) - okay so we fetch the bandits horses and all the loot and bring it to the wagon the dwarven wizard - alright we put everything we found into the cart and we'll push it back to town me - that's a wizard for ya, put the horses in the cart then try pulling the cart by hand!!! dwarven barbarin - well, it's better than carrying them .... oh, wait a minute and thusly, laughter ensued!!
Orchomenos 07-31-06, 08:44 AM	Something I've read a while back on the boards: Newbee Player: "Why is it written idiot3 on my character sheet?" DM, looking at the character sheet: "No, it's 1d10+3!"
Pequod 07-31-06, 12:15 PM	Wrong board for this but it was hillarious Our group wass riding a lighting rail when it began shaking, we naturally investigate but were stopped by the NPC rail porter. I attempt an intimidate but get a natural '1' the porter laughs in my face and we all laugh at the exchange, then the wizard with a straight face says "were rail inspectors" us and the DM begin laughing uncontrobly for about three minutes. Finally the proter laughs at us like "yea right you are" Then the wizard puts a 2nd level fear spell on him (the zero level NPC) and of course he bolts like the wind. Later he was found cowering in a closet with stained underware. Our Dm has vowed the porter will return someday and exact revenge. One of the funniest moments in our game
Ldyparadox99 07-31-06, 03:17 PM	3 of the PC's ended up going through a hidiously annoying "fun house" that their trickster god made for them to prove themselves. They enter a room with a sphinx in it and she calls the room the "riddle room." They must answer a succession of 10 riddles, the answer being the "punishment" if they get it wrong or aren't able to answer in the alloted time. (example, one of the riddle's answer is darkness so the room goes dark, the next one is a candle and animated candles appear and attack them...ect) The very last riddle's answer was answered wrong and a big, huge, angry red dragon appears. The players have had a very nasty experience with a dragon earlier on in the campaign so they were freaking out. Rogue: I'm going to attack it. *rolls attack and fails* Ohoh... The paladin and ranger fail their attack rolls as well, then the dragon misses. Rogue: I'm going to run up and pet the dragon on the nose! Paladin and ranger fail their attack again, they're really freaking out. Me: The dragon looks at the rogue, roars angrly, and bites his hand *roll my attack, success, roll damage* for a whole 1pt of damage. (since this is a trickster type scene, I used the munchkin "plutonium dragon" model where the older the dragon is, the bigger he is, but the more of a wussy he is) Rogue: That's so anti-climatic.
wilken 08-13-06, 07:57 PM	We had a lvl 1 party, consisting of a halfling rogue (me), a human ranger, a human cleric, and a human fighter. The first time we were in a dungeon and encountered a trap: DM: You find a 10-feet long pittrap blocking your way. What do you do. Fighter: Hmm.. Lets tie a rope to the halfling and throw him over the pit. Me: Wait! I can use disable devi.. *interrupted by the ranger* Ranger: Yeah, I've got a lot of points in use rope. Me: Let me at least search for a way to bypass it? Ranger: I tie the rope around the halflings waist. Me: What?! Fighter: I'm going to try and throw him. *Rolls a 2* Fighter: Ooh.. sorry.. After that they pulled me out of the pit, had the cleric cast cure light wounds on me, and tried again.. (No big success either)
hollow_ghost 08-14-06, 02:08 PM	Our first game in 3.5E is home to a lot of funny moments to me. Our party when it ended (not that all the stories are at that final point): (me): gray elf cleric3/wizard3/mystic theurge1 TN player A: halfling rogue5/fighter2 CN player B: elf home-brewed class, sort of like an eldritch knight but only spells for his katana, that we just called paladin LG player C: human fighter7 CE player D: human barbarian7 CE player E: human jester (2E class, "adapted" to 3.5 but overshadowed by player A) NE We are walking in a wasteland and a large blue dragon attacks. I avoid the fight, taking no damage, and run around healing the party (wich had absolutly no ranged weapons so the DM had it fly away and land repeatedly, causing AoOs.) DM: "The dragon dies and explodes into a nova of lighting." (He always does this when his dragons die too fast.) "Fortitude." Rogue: "Fortitude? Shouldn't it be Reflex?" :confused: DM: "You can't avoid the nova, it's everywhere." Rogue: "Grr fine. I fail my save.":mad: :uh-huh: me: "I fail." :eek: DM: "Ok those who have failed take 31 damage. Most of the party fell unconscious at this point. me: "Huh... I'm at -11 hp..." :mymy: DM: :bigeyes: :OMG! me: "Dude... it's the second time you do this to me..." :surrender (last was in 2E) party is L-their-AO-ing: :heehee :bounce: :rofl:
hollow_ghost 08-14-06, 02:09 PM	Another time, we are caught by Drows and brought into what we tought was the Underdark. We are chained and naked, with a torturing device that will eventually kill us. (Don't ask how we could see. DM didn't think about it.) (I had a 15 on appearance.) So the barbarian brakes the devices off and the jester suceeds on escape artist. The rogue isn't there, I fail, my raven fails and the home-brewed fails. Barbarian to the jester: "Let's go have fun with (me). Leave the paladin in his room, he wouldn't let us." :plotting: :drool: Jester: "Sure!" :love: Barbarian to the DM: "I bash the door in." And there I am, naked and tied to a chair, with rats about to be let loose on my eyes (like in George Orwell's 1984). My rave is tied by his beak and hanging from the ceiling. Barbarian: "I walk over to (me)." :dancin: me: "Can't my raven try another escape artist?" :twitch: DM: "Sure." *rolls* "Sucess." me: "Attack!!!" :cheer: DM: *rolls* "Ok barbarian. As you come over, the raven swoops in and bites a chunk off of your [manhood]." Jester: "I back away..." :shocked: Barbarian: "Oh S***!!" :mymy: :tissue: Me: :w00t: :clap: