Post/Author/DateTime	Post
CaineTheInsaine 10-12-04, 09:41 PM	I've beenr eading the humiours threads lately, and decided to share some quotes from around the table, and thought we could all share in the mirt. One of my favs: Evil Lich Necromancer: "Why have you broken into my home and killed my pets?" PC Sorceerer: "To break into your home and kill your pets?" :mage: Evil Lich Necromancer (and me the DM): :twitch: ... ((Vampire game here)) City Constable (an abomination (werewolf/vampire hybred) who has been hiding this fact for a long time in and out of charecter) runs up to the helicopter loaded full of vampires being chased by "things", jumps in and turns towards the creatures, the thing roars at the werewolf... Abomination: "I roar back! because I'm still... in... crinos(hybred) form..." relizing all the vamps are now pointing their guns at her. ... Party paladin is attacked by a pericer (2nd Ed. monster, looks like a stalagtite, falls onto targets, once, then climbs slowly back up to the top of the cave before dropping again). Paladin picks it up, and carries it off, later they come to a double door. Paladin "I stand to the side and nudge the door open with my boot." DM "The door slowly swings inward, a dart comes flying out of the room! But misses." Paladin "I throw the pericer in blindly!" :dice: "NAT 20!" DM :uh-huh: "You have... killed... the carrion crawler." Dart was a trap. ... Anyone got any more to share?
odhen 10-12-04, 09:49 PM	Cleric: "I go outside." DM: A giant purple worm-like thing(a Wyst) falls onto the ground in front of you. Cleric: "I'm going back inside."
CaineTheInsaine 10-12-04, 09:54 PM	DM "Your three charecters find yourself surrounded by werewolves, what do you do?" PC1: "I sit ont he grass and look at the butterflies!" PC2: "I pi*s on a tree and try to blend in!" ___Edited for Content___
Fixxxer 10-12-04, 09:59 PM	Cleric: "I go outside." DM: A giant purple worm-like thing(a Wyst) falls onto the ground in front of you. Cleric: "I'm going back inside." :rofl: Heh There was a PC in one game I ran named "Nowel." The kobold who was guiding them through a network of caverns couldn't pronounce his name right and it keep comming out "Bowels." A basic rule of thumb in my game is that if you say it, your PC says it (withint reason...I mean, your PC doesn't begin talking and asking if he needs to roll a d10 or a d20, for instance). Suprisingly, it was a veteran player who seemed to forget this rule for a moment. DM (as the royal regeant with the plot hook): "Thank you so much for handling that little bit of nastiness for me. I'm most appreciative. If I might ask one more small favor from you...?" Party Leader: "Of course, Your Grace. What is it you would have us do?" DM: "Well, I noticed right about the time that the heratic preachers of the cult you just dispersed showed up, one of the young serving ladies from my counrt disappeared. Her mother is very worried about her. Naturally, I'm very worried as well. We all miss her terribly and I'm beginning to fear that her disappearance wasn't a simple runaway." Veteran Player (as the monk who seems to have forgotten himself): *lewdly* "Hmph! Young girl from your court...yeah, I'll bet you miss her." DM and other players: :OMG!
zambuka 10-13-04, 02:36 AM	Old 2nd ed game. Cleric is the only character currently capable and healthy enough to face a ghost. Only weapon capable of dealing with the ghost is this smart mouthed talking sword named Precious Stone (one of my best creations) Cleric misses a few time. sword makes some comments disparaging clerics combat abilities cleric: "Gimme a break, I've never used a longsword before." sword: "Thats ok, I've never used a cleric before." .... Paladin (me), intelligence only marginally smarter than his warhorse, loses the horse in a desert. "So now there's this warhorse going around asking 'Excuse me but have you seen a Paladin anywhere, he seems to have gotten a little lost'"
Wayne 10-13-04, 04:20 AM	I'll toss one in. From my group's last session (where they were trying to escape from a Salamander cave-prison in the Plane of Fire). Paraphrased (naturally). :] --- PC1 (Half-Pyroclastic Dragon): "So their chieftain's rod is in that pool of lava?" PC2 (Bard): "Right, and since you're fire-immune you should dive down there and get it." PC1 (to me): Can I do that? DM: Sure, you've taken a bath in magma before. PC1: OK, I jump down in the pool and retrieve the rod, then climb back out. DM (to group): You see [player] drop down into the pool of lava, and fish out the rod. After a minute or so, you see a clawed hand grab the lip of the pool, and pull himself up. You all also see a lot more than you'd planned. PCs: ? DM (to PC1): Your mithral breastplate survived the heat just fine, but your cape and trousers... did not. PC3 (female Ranger): "Ooooh. Not bad." PC1: :censored: ! PC2: "I cast Identify on it!" DM: Make a Wisdom check. PC2: ...um, OK... *rolls* "15." DM: You realize that Identify is a touch spell, and the rod just got pulled from a pool of freakin' lava! PC2: "Then I'll wait for it to cool." DM: Good call. It's a Rod of Cancellation. You still have your hands. :] --- *shakes head* I wonder how these people manage to survive for so long.
Grim Aramis 10-13-04, 04:29 AM	The brave group on the second floor in a dark house - unexpected sounds outside, the brave hobbit decides to check it out (he can't see in the dark). Jumps over the barricade in front of the doorway and down the stairs, followed by *crash* *smash* *klang*. Dwarf (worried): "Halc????" Hobbit: "Thrown down a TORCH!" ------------- Group fighting kobolds, and one unlucky kobolds stumbles and runs it's head into the groin-protection of the dwarf he fights and breaks his neck. As he falls dead (simultanously): Dwarven fighter: "Balls of steel!" Elven rogue: "I think you need to take a bath a bit more often.." ------------- DM: "What do you do with the wet clothes?" Dwarf: "I put them in my plastic-bag." DM: :mymy:
Cantankerous 10-13-04, 07:44 AM	One I saw online last night. The emoticons were either the ones used or as similiar as i can get them. DM: As you crest the ridge line you see the Plains of Leng laid out before you, falling away from the almost sheer edge of the 500 foot tall ridge, which is barely twelve feet wide here.. Just as in your dreams the Plains seem infinite, the horizon seeming to receed and receed and receed, with all that you can see of it being flat and featureless, a sea of waving grass that just stretches away to no horizon at all. PC1: I climb onto my horses saddle, standing on it. Where is the horizon? DM: :confused: Even further it receeds and receeds, fading from sight entirely. PC1: Hakan, your light and agile, get up here with me and I'll hoist you onto my shoulders. Then you'll be able to see the horizon. DM: :mymy: PC2: I take ten and make the climb up onto Ferran's shoulders, actually standing on them if I can. PC1: I'll hold his ankles and steady him. PC2: Balance roll? PC3(me): Guys, this isn't smart. It's just like the dreams. You'll mis-judge the distances even if you can see the horizon and this ridge top is too narrow. If you fall, it may be a long way. DM: :twitch: Sure. Balance DC is just 15. PC2: 19, made with some to spare. Where's the horizon? DM: :twitch: :twitch: Are you pulling my leg? PC's1&2, simultaneously: No. Now where's the horizon? How far off? DM: :nonono: You see no horizon, just a fading dimness that still seems to be receeding. PC1: I urge the horse forward with my toe. DM: :uh-huh: Towards the edge of the sheer edge of the escarpment, that drops away almost verticly onto the Plains half a thousand feet below? PC1: Hey, I'm an expert horseman (Ride skill 3 lvls +3 stat) I'll get the horse to stop right at the edge. PC3(Me): Oh for god's sake. Stop! You're going straight over the edge. PC1: I ignore the Paladin and toe the horse forward. Where's my horizon? DM: :rolleyes: DC 13. Roll them bones. PC1: :uh-huh: PC2: What do you mean : :uh-huh: ??? PC1: I rolled a 3. PC2: :rant: :rant: You set that DC way too high! I'm diving off the horse backwards and... The internet failed at that point, for almost three hours, which is just my luck, but if I had had the chance for one more reaction line it would have been: :turkey: :turkey: :rofl: Isshia
Arhra 10-13-04, 08:34 AM	We've had some nice lines in our games: Me: "Give me 11d20!" For my first full attack action in the game. We were 14th level. I was a thri-kreen fighter. The PC's (5th level) had just entered this shrine-like place with an odd statue in the center and an offering table thing in front of it. Kobold rogue: I'll see if there's anything valuable on the table DM(me): Well, there's a shiny rock Kobold: I'll take it DM(me): Long description of old, severally damaged statue - "... You recognise it as a vemeroth, the legendary bringer of destruction. The statue begins to shift, colour flowing back into its form and you feel rage emanating from it." PC's: Crap, we're going to die. Kobold: I tumble away into the other exit from the room. Though he thought it did, the shiny rock had nothing to do with its awakening.
Telperion 10-13-04, 08:37 AM	At the end of an epic proportioned story that just couldn't die without a big bang. The party has slaughtered half a dozen demon princes and are about to throw a priceless artifact into an unstable portal that leads...somewhere... DM(me): "...there before you is a wound torn into the very fabric of reality. A hole that wobbles and changes color with the passing of every second. It cries with a chilling howl and you can feel hot waves of agony rippling along your spine with every sound it makes..." Wizard: "Ah, it has been a grand affair, this trip of ours, but alas we must save the world from the Demon Hoards that await us beyond that portal. With this artifact we do seal it!" Cleric & Fighter: "Yes, yes man! Do it already! There are demons coming through the damn portal!!!" Wizard: "O' very well. Although now that I am here I feel not like parting with this most powerful of artifacts!" DM, Cleric, Fighter, Rogue: :confused: Wizard: Casts Mordenkain's Disjunction at the wobbly portal. DM: Ookay...roll a d%. :mymy: Wizards: rolls and succeeds. DM: Great...TPK, guys...(short version)"And as new waves of demonic darkness are about to pass through the unstable portal between the worlds <<character name>> casts a mighty spell that suddenly makes the portal spew forth massive amounts of energy. As your bodies are ripped apart by pure Force, fire and darkness you see the portal close and your task is finally complete. As your heroic souls begin their journey into the Outer Planes you feel a sense of great gratitude eminating from somewhere..." Cleric & Fighter player: YOU!!! * pointing at the wizard player * Rogue player is rolling on the floor, laughing like mad...I'm also feeling a sudden need to laugh as well... :mage: :bow:
Shadowmagyk 10-13-04, 10:16 AM	Cleric misses a few time. sword makes some comments disparaging clerics combat abilities cleric: "Gimme a break, I've never used a longsword before." sword: "Thats ok, I've never used a cleric before." That's awesome!!! My players were second level, and they were escorting a caravan on a three week journey to deliver supplies to a town in the Hordelands (Faerun). Along the way: Me: Everyone make a Spot check. (DC like 5 or something.) Players: *roll* 15, 18, 12. Me: You see large holes in the ground across the plains as if something has been burrowing. Ranger: I role a Wilderness Lore to see if I can figure out what made these holes. *rolls* Me: You realize that these are Ankheg holes, but you cannot tell how many of them there are. Ranger: I want to check for tracks to see if I can tell. *rolls* Me: You see some tracks, but you cannot tell how many there are. You do notice that these holes seem to have not been used in a few days. Rogue: Let's go inside the tunnels to kill them! Me & others: :uh-huh: :OMG! Me: you do realize that you are only 2nd level? :banghead: Later that game, while he was scouting ahead, I randomly rolled to see who would get attacked by the Ankheg, and it was the Rogue. After the Fighter and Ranger hit the Ankheg hard enough to knock the Rogue out of its mouth, he realized how stupid he was to want to "hunt" the Ankhegs. (Each of them were playing two characters.)
HidroliX 10-13-04, 10:21 AM	Some wizards is going into the undead realm! with the party of course! we see a pile of bodies that are rotting! wizard: can i walk trough the pile of bodies? DM: of course! make fort save dc 15! wizard: Why!??!?! Dm: it are mummies that are inflicted with mummy rot! Wizard: damn i ment i dont go trough the pile of bodies! Next: Fighter: Can i buy a basterd sword for 2000 gold then i got no gold to carry anymore
Gryllmyre 10-13-04, 10:35 AM	The barbarian cautiously enters the room, approaching the statue of a dragon. Suddenly it turns to him and asks a riddle. The barbarian stands there a moment, turns to everyone else, gives them a thumbs up and whispers, "It's ok!"
Arctaurus_Vega 10-13-04, 11:29 AM	The PC's are in in the guest room of a nobleman and the thief is looking around the room when he rolls a 1 for search. DM (me): You are admiring an ancient looking vase when you bump the pedestal knocking the vase onto the floor. It smashes into thousands of pieces as the Noble spins his head in your direction. Rogue: "It wasn't me" Sure Clique but funny as hell - - - - - - -
The_EvilDungeon_Master 10-13-04, 11:45 AM	Dm: "You can hear a moving in the bush" PC Ranger: "I shoot it with my bow!" Dm: "Congrats, It was just a baby hatchling. Whilst admiring your kill, you don't seem to notice the large shadow behind you untill it's too late. The red dragon mother isn't pleased." PCs: "I um, uh, LOOK! A THREE HEADED MONKEY!" :eek:
Cyan Wisp 10-13-04, 03:08 PM	player: [after killing a giant wasp with a spear] "So...how do you like them toffee apples?" rest of us: :confused: player: "well, it's sweeeet! and it's on a stick." rest of us: :rolleyes: sweeeet!: NZ slang for something awesome or ideal.
Arctaurus_Vega 10-13-04, 04:06 PM	A 1st level PC ranger wanted to to go catch some food for the party so he was hunting in a heavily wooded area. After I rolled for a Random Encounter I described this to him. DM: As you turn around you see the sleek outline of a large dark panther. This particular panther has orange glowing eyes and two tentacle like appendages attached to it's torso. The tentacles appear to be writhing and thrashing in a menacing way. What are you going to do? PC Ranger: I sh*t my pants Rest of the PC's: :rofl:
Gargs454 10-13-04, 04:25 PM	Just a few from some of my campaigns: Fighter: And just what can you do to help us pipsqueak? Rogue: Well, for starters, I can return this purse that fell into my cloak pocket to you. Fighter: Damnit! I subtract 30 gp from my inventory . . . errrr nevermind. ###### DM: You come to what appears to be a main square or courtyard in front of an ancient temple that appears to honor a host of Gods and Goddesses. In the center of the courtyard is a large stone fountain in the shape of the God of War. Half-Orc: I search the fountain for anything of note *rolls a one* DM: The orc plays in the water. ###### Paladin: I charge the lone remaining Orc *rolls a one* PC2: Damn and you still haven't crit yet. Paladin: Shut up. By the way, with all the bonuses that comes out to 17. DM: Okay, as you charge, you catch your toe on a stone and fall forward, losing your grip on the hammer, which then flies forward and hits the orc in the face, breaking his nose and sending him sprawling. (I was in a good mood) Paladin: Ummm but I have a locking gauntlet. DM: You seriously arguing with me? (to myself thinking Doh!) Paladin: You're right, I was just pointing out that I forgot to attach it. ###### Cleric: I cast speak with dead on Flick (the poor party rogue who got shot by the half-orc fighter while falling off a building) Flick: Ow. Diana (the half-orc): Do you want us to try and res you. Flick: Not if you're just going to shoot me again. Diana: Alright then, enjoy Arvandor. DM: You enter what appears to be an old storage room. In the middle of the room you see a small puddle of water. PC1: Right. A "puddle". I inspect it. DM: You see a puddle, its about an eighth of an inch deep. PC2: No way that's just a puddle (relying on the DM wouldn't tell us if it weren't important theory) PC1: I drop some of the stale meat we found in the puddle. DM: The meat gets wet. PC1: What do I see now? DM: Some meat in a puddle of water. PC2: I take some of the flour and pour it onto the puddle. Dm: The flour soaks up some of the water and gets wet and somewhat pasty. PC1: Now what do we see? DM: Some pasty flour and wet meat, with a small puddle surrounding them
RedMage 10-13-04, 08:01 PM	Ever the clasic... DM: The Mindflayer disarms you Barbarian: I stand ready to leap into action if my friend needs my help. Rogue: I grab my boot dagger and stab the mindflayer (rolls a 1, drops the dagger) DM: The mindflayer kicks your dagger away and starts casting a spell. Barbarian: I bull rush at the mindflayer. DM, the other PCs, DM's Girlfriend: :confused: DM: Roll a wisdom check. Barb: Rolls a 3, total of 5. DM: You failed to have the wisdom that a creature called "Mindflayer" eats brains. Roll for damage and such anyway. Barbarian: Rolls a 20 on his attack roll, being nice I said that the mindflayer's spell was disrupted and he had falled to the ground stunned. Rogue: Coup de Gras. Rogue (OOC): And for all these years you allways told us not to headbut the mindflayers... (This had been a running joke between she and I for quite some time)
Knight-Triumphant 10-13-04, 08:38 PM	Earlier in the day... Me: As you walk through the forest, you are encountered by a small group of gnolls. Eihger (fighter): Hey, they're furry. Can I throw my torch at it? Me: Yes... :rolleyes: Eihger: Ha! 18! Do I hit? Me: Yes, the gnoll catches fire and burns to a crisp. Eihger: Woo! Later as the party camped with a group of elves. Me: As the elves have already retreated to their tent, you sit around the campfire, swapping stories. You are attacked by the rest of the gnolls from earlier that day. Eihger: I grab a hunk of firewood and throw it at the nearest gnoll! *rolls* 1! Me: The flaming piece of wood misses the gnoll, its head turning ponderously as it tracks the projectile, stopping and staring at the now flaming tent, listening gleefully to the screams coming from inside... PCs: :weep: :mymy: :eek:
Cyan Wisp 10-13-04, 08:42 PM	Barbarian: Rolls a 20 on his attack roll, being nice I said that the mindflayer's spell was disrupted and he had falled to the ground stunned. Rogue: Coup de Gras. You allowed a stunned opponent to be coup de graced? :nonono: You must be VERY nice. Amusing story, though. :D From SRD... Stunned The character loses her Dexterity bonus to AC (if any) and can take no actions. Foes gain a +2 bonus to hit stunned characters.
Gryllmyre 10-13-04, 09:18 PM	Yes, I was going to say... on this forum I've heard two people say that Coup de Grace is possible now while stunned and prone, and while grappled and pinned. Not the case.
Lordofthebean 10-13-04, 09:19 PM	DM (me): As you look through the crack in the door, you see a circle of five elves, all holding large cups. They are lazily breathing in the fumes that drift out of the cups. PC4: maybe they're "high" elves.
Lennart 04-29-05, 01:58 PM	My firs firs sesion my firs firs dungeon my firs firs monster. My firs firs player Me: You see a gobling who apears as if he has neglected his self. Pc (Lvl 1): what do you mean? Me: well he has some old wounds he dident take care of, he looks like he dident eat for a while And he is a bit pale...it also apears he is completely pre ocupied with his digging work. Pc: I swear if you put me up agains his mind flayer master im gonna kick your **s
3Man20 04-29-05, 04:20 PM	From our last session: The party has been exploring a cave, when the bear who lives there wanders in, cornering them. I (the DM) don't have a bear miniature, so I grabbed one that was sort of close, which turned out to be a Minotaur miniature, and placed it on the table, which prompted the normally very quiet Ranger to blurt out (and this is after all of us have had several beers)... "Holy sh*t, he has an axe!" I promptly spewed beer out my nose and fell out of my chair laughing....
Kainsin 04-29-05, 04:21 PM	The players gathered up some items that a half-Devil had asked them to get in exchange for a Wish each. Half of them betrayed the others (since half were good and didn't want to give them to him and the other half were evil and didn't care) and gave the half-Devil the items. He let them sleep in his manor overnight. DM (Me): You awaken suddenly during the night as you feel a strong rumbling throughout the manor. Suddenly the entire building disappears and you are all outside in an open field. PC 1: What do we do now? PC 2: Let's wait around. Other PCs and DM: Why? PC 2: Maybe he'll come back. Other PCs and DM start laughing. PC 2: Well what does the DM suggest we do? DM: Not waiting around! *** The same PCs (after a number of sessions) were transported against their will to another world. After eating dinner the two surviving "good team" members were talking about the new world. PC Fighter (with low Int): What do you think of this world, Jared (Jared is the Cleric)? PC Cleric: I think it's rather dark. PC Fighter: It's night time, Jared. *** Man, I had more lines from that campaign written down, but I threw out my notes the next year thinking I'd never look at them again. Worst decision ever. *** Different campaign. Was a one-shot time traveling one. PC 1 (from medieval times): We need to find someone to lead us. PC Gnome Barbarian (from pre-historic times): I am leader! The PC Gnome Barbarian then proceeds to smash his (small) Great Axe into the hood of the truck that they had been riding in.
Gryllmyre 04-29-05, 04:24 PM	Invisible quasit, in a haunting voice: "Get... out!" player keeps searching Invisible quasit, louder this time: "GET... OUT!" Player: "I heard you the first time!"
Cravensson 04-29-05, 06:00 PM	Ranger: Holy crap! A werewolf! Cleric: Well, don't just stand there. Throw him a Milk Bone. ________________________________________ _________________________ Baby Dragon: "Will you be my friend?" Fighter: "Yeah, I'll be your friend... the day winged monkeys come out of my ass." Wizard: Major Image DM: Major Image of what? Wizard: "Winged monkeys coming out of the fighter's ass." Fighter (to Wizard): "I hate you."