Post/Author/DateTime	Post
DanteApollyon 08-31-07, 11:21 PM	1. The group Cleric says In battle underground mind you " Everyone Back up! I'm going to cast Earth Quake..!" Group responds. in unison "NO YOU TARD YOU'LL KILL US ALL!" 2. A bouncer at a pub trys to stop my lvl 18 psywar from going up stairs without paying the fee. Me "I'm going to push him aside and walk up there anyways." DM "He grabs your armor and breaks a piece of it off while doing so." Me :OMG! "my armor is Dragon BONE Armor how did he do that?" Dm. "oh yeah never mind he doesnt do that... but he smacks you.." Me "... I'm going to kill everyone in the pub now....You know that right?" Dm. "...Yeah... I know.... Get on with it....Sigh" Me. I use breath of the black dragon on both sides of the Pub and everyone hurts bad now. Then i went into form of doom and killed everyone else that was around me.
Thubby 09-01-07, 01:46 AM	me: ok, you've just been swallowed whole by the (extra planar equivalent of a purple wurm), what do you do. player: i cast plane shift table::confused: :confused: :confused: me: ok... where to? player: the elemental plane of fire me: any place in particular? player: over that huge volcano we were at. (in case you havent figured it out yet, it was a planar adventure) me: ok, (checks made, saves failed), the wurm and you appear 2 miles above the volcanoe and fall to your deaths player: :twitch:
Kazuhiro 09-01-07, 04:44 AM	4: John smash! Cleric of Erythnul: "I want to kill a rat by jumping on it." DM: That's an unarmed strike, with -4 because you want to deal lethal damage... but I guess I can make it -2. [His natural roll is 18.] DM: John kills a rat with his bare hands. You look over and see him with an insane, sadistic grin on his face. [The Cleric obliges me with an insane, sadistic grin at his party members] 5: John smash! Again! Same Cleric: I want to pick the table up and slam it down on a goblin. DM: -sigh- Cleric: Oh come on, I just have to tip it over and then I practically can't miss. I'll use my Strength Domain ability, too. DM: Fine. Roll a Strength check. [His roll is a natural 20] Cleric: All right! DM: John grabs the two hundred pound table and rotates it so that he can hold it the narrow way, then lifts it with a powerful effort. He actually lifts it several inches off the ground before slamming it down with all his might onto the goblin's head. Let's call it a Huge Greatclub or something. Is this enough damage for you? [holding up 2d8] Cleric: [snicker, with evil grin] DM: [to the rest of the party] You hear a sickening crack.
Tunllaw 09-01-07, 06:03 AM	6. My PC's hired 20 level one warriors to rob a money changer and coated coins in paralitic contact poison to paralize the guy working the front desk (was behind like a steel cage). Had all the hirelings run away randomly in all directions and got away in the mist of the confusion making off with like 3000 gold peices (town wealth rating). In my opinion they earned it because I honestly had alarms set and guards that ran in every turn once things kicked up. and they got away :mad:
boots_pimpleton 09-02-07, 06:40 PM	7. DM- he casts sleep on the party, make a will save or fall asleep Elf- I failed, okay I'm asleep DM- he comes up to you and tries to coup de grace you with his pick. He criticals, you are dead. Elf- Wait, ain't I immune to sleep effects?
Sol_Aedh_Avoth 09-02-07, 07:51 PM	8) Against some dirty Parasites in a cave full of rotten corpses... Wizard: "I cast Stinking Cloud!" Me (I was a player): "To those things which eat **** everyday?" Wizard: "Stinking Cloud!" DM: "All PCs For save, Parasites unaffected..." Two fights later i killed him... 9) The group finds a throne with a Crystall ball on it which was glowing with Electricity... Wizard: "I lick it!" Me (as DM... I took over the one of above): "..." Wizard: "I'm licking it!" Me: "37 Electric damage... no, your tongue is wet... 74 damage..." 10) The group is on their own ship, and come across a Phantom ship full of Intelligent Skeletons... The Skeletons cast Fireballs upon PCs' ship, setting it on Fire... Skeleton Captain orders to PCs: "Surrender immediately!" Tiefling Rogue: "Never shall we surrender!" Less than one round later he was on the ground, crying and begging for mercy: "Enough! Enough! Please!" Meanwhile, the Cleric entered the room of the ship where other PCs were sleeping to warn them... Cleric: "Hurry, hurry! The ship... the Skeletons..." He turns backward and sees the Skeletons right behind him... Cleric: "I surrender!" 11) The same group of point 10 was captured by Skeletons and put in jails... The Earthtouched CN Barbarian is put together with the Sorceress... DM: "What do you do?" Barbarian: "I rape her!" 12) The Tiefling from point 10 is exploring Celestia while the group waits for an audience with an Authority and comes across Malhevik's castle... he wants to enter and the Guards let him in... he meets Malhevik... Tiefling: "Is that you that called me?" Malhevik: "???" Tiefling: "Which skill should I use to catch a Girl?" Malhevik: "..." 13) The Barbarian of point 11 tries to catch an Aasimar Girl... Barbarian: "Hi, do you want to come with me, Babe?" (Cha check rolls a 3, Cha "bonus": -2... total = 1...) Girl: "No way, freak!" Barbarian: "COME WITH ME!" (Intimidate check rolls a 1... -2 = -1!) He scared only himself... Well, there would be lots more... :D
metalmayhem80110 09-03-07, 01:59 AM	Dm: Well you find out that under the city there is a tomb of heros. It is rumored with the mystical gear inside of that tomb, you might have a chance of killing the dark lord. But be warned, it is well known that this tomb has many traps. These traps have kept people at bay for hundreds of years. Me: Are there people selling live stock in this town? Dm: Well yeah, there is. But why would you be interested in that when you have a tomb to go to? Me: I go buy 100 sheep. Hehe, DM didn't know about that trick :D
Bozwevial 09-03-07, 10:55 AM	Bill: I search the dead goblin's pockets! DM: Okay, random treasure time...You find a flaming greatsword, a staff made of glass tipped on both ends with gold, and...*rolls*...an apparatus of Kwalish. Bill: Ignoring the obvious power imbalance issues, how did that crap fit in a Small creature's pocket? DM: Oh, right. Wrong table, sorry.
damixmastermike 09-03-07, 11:14 AM	Hey! At least I had the BALLS to get our whole party killed Great sig. 16) PC2: I climb the tree Me: roll a climb check PC2: <rolls a 17> Me: You climb 10feet into the tree PC2: I want to go higher, <rolls a 3 on climb> Me: Still eager and pleased with your previous progress, you climb too fast and fa... <interupted> PC2: I tumble up the tree 17) Party kills a set of kobolds in a small sleeping room. PC1: We searing the fur piles for loot Me: Roll search noob PC3: <Rolls search: 24> Me: You find 17 silver pieces, two daggers and a blank spellbook that smells of urine. PC2: Is there anything else in the room? Me: there a small dip in the floor near the corner where the kobolds have been expoliating waste. PC2: I search it Me: I'm sorry, you're going to have to repeat that. PC2: I search the kobold fieces
CheesieM0nkeys 09-03-07, 12:38 PM	DM: The Faimine Spirit Attacks you (Rolls 20) Dwarf: :eek: Cleric: I True Res the dwarf DM: Famine Spirits turn, it attacks the dwarf again (rolls 20) Cleric: I True Res the dwarf - AGAIN DM: Famine Spirit attacks the dwarf - hey 10-1 I'm going to roll another 20. (Rolls 20) Dwarf: I quit life Cleirc: You do realize I have no more material components left - your gone dwarfy!
damixmastermike 09-03-07, 12:47 PM	Dwarf: I quit life Redundant.
Thubby 09-03-07, 02:28 PM	DM: The Faimine Spirit Attacks you (Rolls 20) Dwarf: :eek: Cleric: I True Res the dwarf DM: Famine Spirits turn, it attacks the dwarf again (rolls 20) Cleric: I True Res the dwarf - AGAIN DM: Famine Spirit attacks the dwarf - hey 10-1 I'm going to roll another 20. (Rolls 20) Dwarf: I quit life Cleirc: You do realize I have no more material components left - your gone dwarfy! doesn't true res take 10 minutes to to cast?
CheesieM0nkeys 09-03-07, 02:50 PM	I left out that the party retreated from the room between fights
boots_pimpleton 09-03-07, 04:57 PM	eh shoulda just used resurgence =D damage buff and standard action to cast!
Prince_of_Murder_Kinghall 09-04-07, 02:29 AM	18) A Song of Ice and Fire game set at The Wall The players find a wildling camp and send one player (N) to look into it. He gets fairly far in to the camp before being seen. The wildings capture him and out of mercy(was the DM) I let him hear them making plans to use N to find his comrade's camp take them captive as well. So they ride out with N as a hostage. N: (because he really wanted to RP this character i guess): I call out to my brothers to warn them! (knowing he will die for warning them but wanting to save his friends) The Wildings promptly kill him other players: WE SURRENDER!
donut159 09-04-07, 03:06 AM	19. or possibly 20. by now One player (G) a Dragon Shaman wielding a mace finishes killing a dire wolf (G): I want to skin the wolf so i can sell his pelt in town (D.M.): O.k. roll a "skinning" check <roll roll roll> (D.M.): O.k. you look down to see that you are beating a dead wolf with a mace trying to get it's skin to fly off. Congratulations your an idiot (G)::weep: :weep: :weep:
Thubby 09-04-07, 03:17 AM	19. or possibly 20. by now One player (G) a Dragon Shaman wielding a mace finishes killing a dire wolf (G): I want to skin the wolf so i can sell his pelt in town (D.M.): O.k. roll a "skinning" check <roll roll roll> (D.M.): O.k. you look down to see that you are beating a dead wolf with a mace trying to get it's skin to fly off. Congratulations your an idiot (G)::weep: :weep: :weep: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
1337Ninja 09-04-07, 06:49 AM	20. Level 5s in a high-powered (32 point buy) campaign all have to go through a trap. The player who is renowned for... odd actions (like 200 card Magic decks because he liked everything in it) walks up. Me: A blade flies out of the wall. Take 25 damage. Other PCs: Various remarks about this trap (one was targetted by 2 6d6 lightning bolts, others a hail of black lotus extract darts, you get the point). PC: Ok, I'm on... umm... Me: Ok, what's your Con? PC: Eight. Me: *smacks head* You die. Instantly. He was a mystic theurge who took 18s in Int and Wis and 8s in everything else. Maybe not as bad as his level 18 kobold druid with 15 Wis and 10 Con, but hey.
CheesieM0nkeys 09-04-07, 08:52 AM	First I need to thank donut for making my day with that #19 It also reminded me of another time with a wolf in my campaign. The details are a little off but it pretty much went like so, 3 PC's -fighter 4, sorcerer 4, ranger 4 The ranger had a wolf companion and was trying to ride it. Poor wolfie could not hold the rangers weight + gear and fell over. Ranger: I stick sticks in my wolf to hold it up DM: the wolf runs away from you. Ranger: I chase it down *Stupid wolf* DM: You see the wolf huddled in a cave with another wolf and some baby wolves. Ranger: I take the baby wolves and strap them to my feet DM: you hear a *crack* and a *splat* Later on, when we were riding a dragon NPC... Ranger: Where is my wolf? DM: he's hanging off your leg, since your in the air. Also, the sorcer is hanging off him (failed ride check) Ranger: I draw my spear and stick it through the wolf so the sorcerer can climb up. DM: The wolf cries in pain and slumps over - dying Ranger: Stupid wolf! I hit him with my hammer (Rolls and kills wolf) DM: Your wolf's brains are now dripping out. Later, in a cave DM: You see the floor ends and your facing a cliff Ranger: I grab my wolf and jump off DM: (Rolls) You fall into the waiting mouth of a white dragon. As you sink into its stomach, the acid eats away at your feet... Ranger: I hammer my wolf into a raft and stand on it The Sorcerer+Fighter resucue the ranger Ranger: I alsomost died in there, you noobs! Save me faster next time! Ranger: I rip off my wolf's leg and through it at the fighter Later On DM: You guys didn't bring any food and it's been almost 3 days in this dungeon Ranger: I have food! I eat my wolf! DM: It's frozen, and torn, and hammered... Ranger: Ok, I pee on it to melt off the frost DM: Ok, it's defrosted - now what? Ranger: Well I can't eat it... This went on
Radijs 09-04-07, 09:19 AM	Oh, your, god!
CheesieM0nkeys 09-04-07, 09:31 AM	You know, I think the ranger mis-interrpreted what a ranger is. He thinks it's an animal hunter type character - I always saw them as druids with more combat and less casting. Not sure anymore. 22. The ranger was lost in a forest - middle of the night. I described to him that there was an erie silence broken by and owl. Ranger: I try and find the owl, and I draw my sword. DM: Listen check (Rolled 20) You see the owl lift off a tree and fly past you Ranger: I grab it DM: The owl is in your grasp - flapping and hooting franticly Ranger: I rip off its wings DM: You now have a bloody, wingless owl Ranger: I impale it on a stick DM: You now have an owl staff. Ranger: Woohoo! I look for a fox DM: (Rolls) You see one Ranger: I stick 2 sticks up its back and the pull them apart. DM:??? Ranger: I need a sheild! DM: Ok...you now have a fox sheild Ranger: I dual wield my owl staff and fox shield (DM is rolling) Ranger: What is that for? DM: Obad Hai's will save
donut159 09-04-07, 01:32 PM	Thank you cheesiemonkeys for returning the favor and making my day. I think that was the best ranger ever cuz he used animals like no other ranger has before. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
DanteApollyon 09-04-07, 02:33 PM	You know, I think the ranger mis-interrpreted what a ranger is. He thinks it's an animal hunter type character - I always saw them as druids with more combat and less casting. Not sure anymore. 22. The ranger was lost in a forest - middle of the night. I described to him that there was an erie silence broken by and owl. Ranger: I try and find the owl, and I draw my sword. DM: Listen check (Rolled 20) You see the owl lift off a tree and fly past you Ranger: I grab it DM: The owl is in your grasp - flapping and hooting franticly Ranger: I rip off its wings DM: You now have a bloody, wingless owl Ranger: I impale it on a stick DM: You now have an owl staff. Ranger: Woohoo! I look for a fox DM: (Rolls) You see one Ranger: I stick 2 sticks up its back and the pull them apart. DM:??? Ranger: I need a sheild! DM: Ok...you now have a fox sheild Ranger: I dual wield my owl staff and fox shield (DM is rolling) Ranger: What is that for? DM: Obad Hai's will save :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :heehee :bravo:
CheesieM0nkeys 09-04-07, 02:44 PM	23. Fighter: Can I make steroids? DM: I guess, make an alchemy check?? Fighter: So I rolled a 20 and maxed it out - 35 DM: You have steroids Ranger: I take them and inject them into my donkey! DM: Make a fortitude save for the donkey Ranger: 21? DM: You now have a monster of legend donkey Ranger: Cool! I'll call him "Sir Donkis Donksalot"
illyrus 09-04-07, 03:39 PM	24. Bard: Are we fine with talking with the leader as opposed to fighting him so we can get to our true target, the vampire? Rest of party: Yes. *fast forward* Bard: Ok, so we're agreed that you let us past here so we can kill the vampire? NPC Leader: Yes. Bard: Ok, let's go. Fighter: One second, *directed at the NPC Leader* Hey **** face. Bard: ...Wait what the hell are you doing? Fighter: Picking a fight, hope you can tumble out of the way.
Prince_of_Murder_Kinghall 09-04-07, 05:32 PM	25 The party escapes a falling ceiling trap and go into a narrow hallway with a locked thick iron door on the other end. The lock was built into the door so they had to pick it or break it. PC1: hmm so the roof does not go back up? me(as the dm): no PC2: well anyone got a lock pick? PC1: we don't even have a rouge. PC2: any acid? or spells that can help us? or bludgeoning weapons? everyone else: umm no (the team was a warlock a fighter and pally I think) PC1: wow this dungeon IS hard! They ended up running out of food. That dungeon had a few pit traps, a dragon, a sand filling the room trap, SoA, a room full of iron golems and a poison gas trap and to be fair I did tell them it was hard and that they did not HAVE to go through it and yet after all the work I put into it they die to a locked door in the 2nd room.
Ecalsneerg 09-04-07, 06:28 PM	Duh The party is in a narrow corridor leading to an underground temple. Zombies block the entrance into the room, and a necromancer with scythe and flintlock is taking pot-shots. I am a Darkkin (Tiefling) Ranger, the party consists of a Dwarf Wizard, a Dwarf Cleric, and Human and a Half-Goblin Fighter and a Human Rogue. Me and the Rogue are level 1, the Wizard is level 4, the rest are level 3 (Living Campaigns: don't you love party level screw-ups? :P ) Half-Hobgoblin Fighter: I attack the zombie. *rolls damage, destroys it* Me: 5-foot step out! We need to get out of here. Hobgobbo Fighter: I'll get flanked and killed! *He lets zombies fill doorway again. Party can't get around (5 foot corridor!)* *Zombies attack, then part* Me: Go now! Hobgobbo: No! *Necromancer guns down Hobgobbo* *After the zombies are quickly dispatched, the Necromancer charges the other fighter. All the party besides the Wizard are downed* Me: DAMN! Wizard: Erm... Magic Missile? *Necromancer killed* Party: Phew...
HeartsInAtlantis 09-04-07, 06:43 PM	The low level party is in a cavern, fighting a dragon who is doing strafing runs with a low level flyby attack. The barbarian had been throwing spears, and had used his last one the previous round. Barbarian: I throw a spear! Me: You don't have any left. Do you have anything else in your inventory to use? Barbarian: Hmmm *checks sheet* Nothing. Well then I throw a rock. Me: At the dragon? Barbarian: Yup. Hit him with a rock! *rolls* Me: Well, you throw your rock, and it bounces harmlessly off the dragon's scales. Elf: Okay, my turn? I ready a shocking grasp for the next time the dragon gets within five feet. *Next turn, dragon had picked on another party member at random, so sorcerer still held his charge* Me: Alright, barbarian, your turn. Going to throw another rock? Barbarian:*smirks* Nope. I'm gunna throw the elf. Needless to say, the dice Gods love their insanity, and a few stupidly awesome rolls later, the dragon was dead, and the elf hit the gound, and took very little damage due to some fancy tumbling.
Kedami 09-04-07, 06:55 PM	I wish my PCs were this funny.
LivingShadow 09-04-07, 07:02 PM	An abberation campain the DM has so far made us face ilithid vampires and rot reavers in addition to a few other undead. DM:The room is rather large with a pond in the middle. Me(sneaky caster):I use Clairvoyance to look into the pond. DM:There are two huge-sized purple frogs in the pond. Druid:I want to talk to them. Sorcerer(electricity blaster)::eek: ARE YOU NUTS???? Druid:They're animals right? I want to talk to them. The druid walks into the room. The frogs swim out of the pond. The Druid tries to engage them in convesation. *Glomp* The frogs now have the Druid grappled with five tongues each. Then they dive into the water and start fighting over her. The sorc runs up to the edge of the water and blasts them several times with chain lightning. The frogs die but not before killing and eating the druid.
CheesieM0nkeys 09-04-07, 08:36 PM	I gotta meet you people... Dwarf: I look for the cheapest restauraunt in town DM: You see a hole in the ground Dwarf? DM: And a sign that reads: "Ye Old Hole" Dwarf: The SECOND cheapest restauraunt in town DM: Ok, your there Dwarf: I order 300 pounds of fish arranged in a platter with little dwarf statues on top Waiter: Yes sir, that will be 50 gp Dwarf: here (Waiter comes with all the fish) Dwarf: Finally - I take the fish and dump it down his shirt Waiter: ARRRGGGGGGGG Fighter: I put all the fish in a sack and leave Dwarf: We go to the next restauraunt DM: You sit down. The waiter sniffs and says "I'm dearly alergic to fish sir, and I kindly ask that-" Dwarf: I open the sack and bring it down over his head DM: He screams and writhes on the ground Fighter: I take the biggest fish and stuff it down his throat DM: He dies Dwarf: I get the giant fish back and go to the next restauraunt DM: The chef asks what you would like Dwarf: I fish him! DM: He...dies After all the restauraunts in town went through this... Dwarf: You know, all we wanted was some lunch and all we got was a huge sack of fish Fighter: But now we can't eat anywhere! Dwarf: Wait - theres that hole in the ground Fighter: Off to Ye Old Hole! Dwarf: Bring the fish!
LivingShadow 09-05-07, 04:33 PM	Different group. They are following the trail of some spiders that attacked a caravan which leads to a cave on top of a cliff. DM: The cave is guarded by a few bugbears. Sorc1: I say "hi." *The bugbears take out longbows and train them on the sorc.* Sorc1: I flip them the bird. *Bugbears fire hitting him several times putting him at 2 hp* The rest of the party then takes over and slays the bugbears.
Satyrus 09-06-07, 12:29 AM	Wow... and I thought my players were nuts!!!:eek: Ok where to begin.One game I had a low-level dwarven fighter? I think and a half-orc barbarian who got real lucky on his str score (it was 20). Anyway they go into this town and the whole place is going crazy people ar running around screaming grabbing their belongings and running for the hills. So they tried to stop the people for a second to try and figure out what was going on, but nobody will stop and talk so after trying to talk the dwarf grabs one of them and punches him, accidentally knocking him out. The barbarian meanwhile climbs onto the roof of a house and watches. Then decides to use his wepon a wierd hook-like rod of his own design to grab a passerby. He rolls, fails and falls straight down into the mud on top of the dwarf. Now getting annoyed they both begin to kill all the inhabitants of the village which only causes further distress and eventually the last person the kill is a midget by cleaving him in half. They did manage to find out that a large goblin tribe was what was causing the ruckus so they went to take care of it. When they get there they find the hidden entrance and then decide to scout it out. It's in a forest with enormous trees and the first night they decide to sleep on the ground. So they find a small overhang and start a fire. They dwarf goes out hunting... Dwarf: Do I see any animals nearby? DM: You spot a deer not far away. Takes out his longbow and kills it. Dwarf: I wanna skin it and make a blanket DM: Ok so he does and has a little left over. Dwarf: Do I see any owls around? DM:??? Sure Dwarf: I shoot it and then take the feathers to make a pillow. He also made a wagon (Craft Skill, why not) and they slept in it. Nobody put out the fire. They wake up the next morning to find half the forest has burned down. So their solution: Sleep in trees. So they did and they would climb the tree then fall down the tree taking d6 nonlethal damage for high falls. Sometimes lethal if they were really high. So they'd hurt themselves then sleep regain there health go to climb down, trip hurt themselves climb back up to sleep, fall hurt themselves. Eventually after about a week they thought the goblins were finally going to attack and so they high-tailed it. Using the wagon they crafted and catching a moose, two deer and an elk that they hooked up to the wagon rode away as fast as possible. After a full day they stopped to rest at a small pond and being out of food decided to fish. DM: You catch something very strong, roll for strength check Dwarf: Rolls a 5 gets pulled in but refuses to let go. Half-Orc: I grab him! DM: OK Half-Orc:reflex save 18 DM: Now make a strength check Half-orc: 6 gets pulled in hanging onto dwarf who by the way is wearing heavy armor. So the half-orc manages to get a hold and pull them both out. Ends up it's a shark which the dwarf then skins and makes into a cape. Now they get all paranoid again and set off. They decide to go through the night and smash the wagon which is overturned but not destroyed. The animals are injured and can't continue so they load them into it and the half-orc pulls it the rest of the way into town. So in the end a half-orc barbarian is pulling a wagon containing an elk, moose, and two deer and a dwarf who is whipping him. It left quite the impression on the townsfolk.:D
soulnova 09-06-07, 01:14 AM	In the quest of finding the leader of the feared water elf tribe (homebrew race) to ask him for a legendary artifact. The tribe would likely kill us if the diplomacy and the fighting fails (they dont like outsiders). They end up attacking us and some savage werewolves join the chaos to kill them too. DM: You see Dalant (the elf leader) slashing with his coral sword the head of the werewolf. The water elf woman besides him bury her dagger in the chest of another one. What do you do? Pc1: My, she is hot. I ask her if she wants to mate me when we are done. All: You WHAT?. DM: "No, you filthy...what are you?? whatever! I WILL KILL YOU WHEN IM DONE WITH THIS PUP!" Pc1: Oh yeah? Well, you are missing the greatest night of your life sweetheart. -I pull down my pants and show her my wee- Me: Oh, DEAR GOD, NO. DM: You... you are sure about this? Pc1: Yyyep. DM: As you ... show her your... that.... the elven leader moves in front of you and *rolls* ... he slashes by half your sausage. Pc1: OMG, it dropped? DM: No... vertically, I mean. Is still hanging in there. PC1: I run for the cleric. PC2: IM NOT TOUCHING THAT! Pc1: PLEASEEEE! HELP Me: OH MY GOD.... ROFL Pc2: *Heals* My EYES... MY EYES!!! Pc1: OK... now thats personal! I show him my crack! You can figure out the rest. We all ROFL, LOL, LMAO, *insert other slang here*
Radijs 09-06-07, 03:42 AM	Oh, your gods! Thats horrible!
Ecalsneerg 09-06-07, 06:21 AM	Oh, your gods! Thats horrible! It is not horrible. It's beyond horrible. No human words can describe that.
Sol_Aedh_Avoth 09-06-07, 07:15 AM	That's when the DM has the full right to make the Cosmic Power focus in a single NPC for a moment to let him do things which are normally near impossible... And that DM showed great Mercy... I wouldn't had... :rofl:
soulnova 09-06-07, 10:47 AM	That woman was the Sister of the leader. xD The guys went pale and the rest of the girls (including me) couldnt stop luaghing for half an hour. They had to go an buy some cokes while we stopped laughing. Yeah, we knew that was horrible but he finally got what de deserved. The Same Pc1 in other campaign. We were all vampires in the middle age (no, not vampire de masquerade xD) and he was rich and "noble". Pc1: Ahh... after that hunting I would like some wine. Alfred! (his butler) DM: "Yes my lord?" Pc1: I want some of our best Cabernet Sauvignon in a plastic glass! Dm: "Plastic my lord?" From then on, every time a PC says something about a modern object or the like, someone say " X, my lord?" lol
Satyrus 09-06-07, 11:48 AM	This is a shorter one that includes utter stupidity. The fighter is running from the authorities in a city in the night. DM: You're walking down an alleyway that leads into a small open area lit by a lamp. Fighter: I shoot the lamp with my bow. DM: Huh? Fighter: I shoot it! DM: OK you shoot the lamp it bounces off harmlessly. Big suprise Same player, same game. DM: In the alley is a dire rat rummaging in a pile of garbage. Fighter: I attack the rat. (It dies) Fighter: I search the trash pile. DM: You find only rotten food, scraps of tattered cloth and rat feces. Fighter: I set the pile on fire. DM:... This pattern continued throughout the time he played with us culminating in a final moment of stupidity. The party is walking down a mountain trail and are at 1000 ft. Rogue/Sorcerer(w/ring of feather fall): I jump off the cliff to get down faster. Fighter: I wanna jump off too, he can catch me. Jumps off in full plate armor and is a large half-orc, rogue is an elf. DM(talking to rogue): You see the fighter go flying over the edge of he cliff and begin to tumble downward. Rogue: I try and catch him. Rolls DM: You miss Rogue: OK I cast feather fall. Only had one level in sorcer so the spell only lasted 6 seconds. :P DM: OK the fighter slows down and begins to float lightly and then plummets. Fighter: Huh? Miraculously he survived the fall, still hearing about that one from the other players but I killed him off about ten minutes after that. His next character lasted one game before he was shoved into an extradimensional pocket and never seen again.:D That was to eliminate him from gameplay entirely.
Prexsus 09-06-07, 01:51 PM	First let me set the stage. The big bad evil clerics minions are dead, he is wounded and outnumbered. Trying to escape he activates his boots of levitation. Reaching the ceiling about 20ft up he tries to heal himself. On the ground Pc1 has enlarged himself to about 12 feet (human). Pc2 the dwarf fighter duel weilding dwarven waraxes asks for a boost. Pc1 picks up Pc2 and begins chasing the cleric around the room weilding a dwarf. The evil cleric tried to escape by pulling himself along with his hands on the ceiling. Queue the Benny Hill music.
Bozwevial 09-06-07, 04:44 PM	I had a swordsage who had taken the tactical feat that lets me redirect attacks into a flanker (AFB at the moment). So I'm fighting a paladin and his horse at the same time, just dodging their flanking attacks and redirecting them into the other person, making an attack on one, then tumbling away so they don't get an AoO and have to reestablish the flank, which activated my Child of Shadow stance. Anyway, the DM got annoyed after a while and had the paladin try to smite me. He rolled a natural 1. I hit him with a Clinging Shadow Strike and ran for it (missed by both AoOs). The horse came running after me, so I hit it with a Fan the Flames maneuver. Due to a crit and my specialization, I wound up dealing the stupid thing (which had been giving me more trouble than the pally) 12d6+6 points of damage, which killed it instantly. The paladin went mad and started charging after me (I kept peppering him with ranged maneuvers until he started charging, after which I just double-moved). He chased me through a major city in the campaign, shouting curses and the like after me each step of the way. When he realizes he's going too slow, he cuts the cords of his armor, jumps on a riding dog nearby, and starts racing after me. To the commoners, it must have looked bizarre: A human covered in shadows racing through the streets nimbly vaulting over obstacles, while a half-naked dwarf holding a scimitar and riding a dog comes barreling through, hitting anything I tumbled through. When I got to the nearby ocean, I used my last remaining maneuver and turned invisible. The dwarf just barreled onwards into the ocean and out of sight beneath the water. By this time the entire game group is chuckling into their Mountain Dew. A few weeks later, the city guard shows up at our doorstep. I answered the door, and they asked if we knew anything about this, then held up the dripping, half-naked bloated dwarf. I just said, "No" and shut the door. For about three seconds, nobody did anything. Then we all died laughing. I still don't know what my DM was on.
CheesieM0nkeys 09-06-07, 05:03 PM	Fighter: I got 21 for initiative DM: you rolled 11 Fighter: yea, i got +10 DM: How? Fighter: Improved initiative, +4 dex DM: Ok, that makes 8 and your dex is 17 (grabs char sheet) Fighter: I attack! (Rolls) I got 13 + 17 - is 31 a hit? DM: no, 30 is not a hit. BTW, your str is +4, you have a mwk sword and +5 BA Fighter: Oh, about that DM: Your AC says +6 armor (mithril breastplate) +5 dex, +4 misc (looks at feats) Fighter: uh-oh DM: You have 11 feats? level 5 human fighter!? And none of them boost ac? Fighter: I can't read! DM: Your lowest stat mod is +3 and you wrote in 12 for the score Fighter: I'm a wee boy now! DM: And you have 80 hp... Fighter: good rolls :) DM: (checks pulse) DM: you have 50k in your inventory and no magic items... Fighter: umm... DM: you also have - 5000 caltrops, 20 horses, 2 carts, 4000 bricks, 5000 nails, 50 trees and 500 dead orcs Fighter: look at me, i'm link! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DM: still can't find pulse... I guess some people have off days...
Sol_Aedh_Avoth 09-06-07, 05:43 PM	In a game I Dmed... There was this Paladin/Demon Hunter who called himself Illidan (some fan of Spawn may know the Name, I only know it's related to Spawn)... He often, without any reason or purpose, said: "Illidan, where are you?" Yes, he kept saying that, not others, it isn't an error... So, the party was fighting a Colossal Lotus (Monster I created for plot purpose) in Carceri, and after a hard Battle, the Lotus dies... Then, it FALLS... And where will it fall? I roll a d8 for the direction... Me: "5... who is in direction 5?" Illidan: "Ugh... I am..." Me: "Then, you hear the Lotus saying: "ILLIDAN, WHERE ARE YOU?"" Illidan: "HERE I AM!" [With a happy (idiotic) smile...] Me: "You see it falling upon you... Ref Save..." He failed the save and took full damage (he luckily survived)... Since then, we always imagined the Lotus as Mortal Kombat's characters when the "Finish him" writing appears, then the "ILLIDAN, WHERE ARE YOU?" - "HERE I AM!" and a conclusion in W.Coyote style, the Paladin vertically buried in the ground...
Bozwevial 09-06-07, 06:35 PM	In a game I Dmed... There was this Paladin/Demon Hunter who called himself Illidan (some fan of Spawn may know the Name, I only know it's related to Spawn)... He often, without any reason or purpose, said: "Illidan, where are you?" Yes, he kept saying that, not others, it isn't an error... So, the party was fighting a Colossal Lotus (Monster I created for plot purpose) in Carceri, and after a hard Battle, the Lotus dies... Then, it FALLS... And where will it fall? I roll a d8 for the direction... Me: "5... who is in direction 5?" Illidan: "Ugh... I am..." Me: "Then, you hear the Lotus saying: "ILLIDAN, WHERE ARE YOU?"" Illidan: "HERE I AM!" [With a happy (idiotic) smile...] Me: "You see it falling upon you... Ref Save..." He failed the save and took full damage (he luckily survived)... Since then, we always imagined the Lotus as Mortal Kombat's characters when the "Finish him" writing appears, then the "ILLIDAN, WHERE ARE YOU?" - "HERE I AM!" and a conclusion in W.Coyote style, the Paladin vertically buried in the ground... Please please please please please please please nobody duplicate the discussion going on in another thread right now about falling monsters.
Sol_Aedh_Avoth 09-06-07, 07:41 PM	It's the other one that is duplicating the stupid things that have happened... :P
DanteApollyon 09-06-07, 08:45 PM	It's the other one that is duplicating the stupid things that have happened... :P Oh HA! Any way here goes another one. Group of six are attacked by five mindflayers under ground, same instant the where the cleric tried to cast earth quake. Another player with astral wings decided he would try and pick up the Cleric. this is how it went. Rogue "Im going to fly over to pike and pick him up and fly away." Pike "ummm im wearing full plate armor and he's never used those wings." Me I know roll a str check Rogue. ....umm 2 Me. Sigh.... well that was your turn. Pike .....Im going to use recall home spell and leave Me ...alright... you go home and live, everyone else make a will save. everyone else. ...................failed .....Me..... they eat your brains. YUMMY
LivingShadow 09-07-07, 04:55 PM	I just remembered this one. They are in a castle owned by a rakasha, but that isn't important. DM:The room contains one extremely angry hydra which is standing right infront of the door on the other side. Barbarian (Same person as the Druid I mentioned earlier.):I charge it. DM: Please tell me she didn't say that. Barbarian: I said, "I charge it." The barbarian now has two HP after that round. We somehow get her out of that room and eventually kill the Hydra.
lunarflare1001 09-07-07, 05:59 PM	You know, I think the ranger mis-interrpreted what a ranger is. He thinks it's an animal hunter type character - I always saw them as druids with more combat and less casting. Not sure anymore. 22. The ranger was lost in a forest - middle of the night. I described to him that there was an erie silence broken by and owl. Ranger: I try and find the owl, and I draw my sword. DM: Listen check (Rolled 20) You see the owl lift off a tree and fly past you Ranger: I grab it DM: The owl is in your grasp - flapping and hooting franticly Ranger: I rip off its wings DM: You now have a bloody, wingless owl Ranger: I impale it on a stick DM: You now have an owl staff. Ranger: Woohoo! I look for a fox DM: (Rolls) You see one Ranger: I stick 2 sticks up its back and the pull them apart. DM:??? Ranger: I need a sheild! DM: Ok...you now have a fox sheild Ranger: I dual wield my owl staff and fox shield (DM is rolling) Ranger: What is that for? DM: Obad Hai's will save Saddest thing is.. This actually happened... :eek: The fighter who was commiting these indecent acts now has a fear aura that only affects animals..
Sol_Aedh_Avoth 09-07-07, 09:50 PM	2nd level campaign, we just set free a prisoner (another PC who should have joined the group, a Rogue) from an unguarded cage outside of a Drow temple, after an Unholy Ritual... I cast Invisibility on the Paladin, and he went near the cage to open it... After the prisoner is out: Paladin: "Come on, we oughta escape as soon as we can... it's full of Drows down here!" Rogue: "Wait, I have to find my equipment!" Paladin: "Do you want to go inside and meet the Priestess and her Guards?" Rogue: "Well... I have to go in anyway!" Paladin: "Don't make my fellows' and mine efforts useless! (For those dirty 900 GP!)" Rogue: "I have to!" Paladin: "Fine, do whatever you want, but do it alone..." The Paladin came back to us, and we fled before it could get too late... The Rogue went in... As he's searching the rooms inside, the Priestess spots him... DM: "You see the Priestess surprised for a moment, then she...... [the DM turns to me] Tell me a 9th level Cleric Spell!" Me: "What? 9TH LEVEL? If she throws her mace to him, she kills him about three or four times over..." DM: "Oh, you're right..." New player sheet for the Rogue...
DanteApollyon 09-07-07, 11:28 PM	In a dungeon. Fighting Goblins that are behind a baracade shooting arrows at us. There is a rug in the middle of the room that is on fire and i forgot to buy a ranged weapon. Fighter. I need to get over that Wall Dm. Ok how are you going to do that. Fighter. Ummm. Cleric. (dwarf) I can kneal down and you can jump off of me and over the Baracade, Note the Baracade had was spiked. Fighter, I dont know if i should do that. Cleric. Quit being a wuss and do it. Me. OMG! this is not happening (snickers!) DM. Roll your jump and you roll a Strength check Fighter rolls an 18. NICE! Cleric rolls a 1. :evillaugh I rolled a one. Me (psywar by the way.) I slap my face in discrace at whats happening now. DM, (laughing) alright you (fighter) run up to the Cleric and when you go to jump off his back he slams into the ground and you fly into the spikes taking x damge (he Rolled FOR IT) and Bruce (me) slaps himself in the face and walks away in shame. Me. ...I'm going to risk it back to town, if they live they can follow me... right now i dont want them close to me for fear of my life. DM, ...He's stuck to that wall. Me. ...YEah his friend the mighty dwarf will save him ...:( It got better when we went back to the dungeon after i bought a ranged weapon...