Post/Author/DateTime	Post
coldfire_x 09-02-06, 07:02 AM	my first is....{lol} 1. player: "im making a handjo_ cheek D20=15+2 STR MOD ME:what the f***? player:did i...... 2. me:"you see 3 nymph in a river-naked,what do you do?" PC:"i join the pool party"
lordofskulls 09-02-06, 08:41 AM	3. Player: Then I go and play a real gentlmen's sport, badminton. DM: So you've stopped trying to find elven women to "bang"? 4. Player: You do know you dont apply strength bonus to attack only damage DM: what kind of a noob are you? Player: uh huh, this coming from you, anyway i would have +6 or +7 by your logic. You're forgetting the 1.5 for wielding it double handed. DM: We've been playing different campaigns for 15 sessions now. Have you ever even glanced in the Player's Handbook?
aotrscommander 09-02-06, 09:41 AM	5: (When playing Sci-Fi) Why is the purple star purple? You can't even get purple stars...
chaz100 09-02-06, 10:01 AM	"Right, can I be completely naked at this point?"
Shaggy_Shaggs 09-02-06, 10:08 AM	"I rush to the deck and charge at the nearest pirate!" (Which is currently separated from the scale mail-wearing lawful stupid paladin by 200' of open ocean.)
Ace the Dead 09-02-06, 10:32 AM	Player: "Hey, can my dwarf be albino?" Me: "Um... Okay, but you're going to be the worst ninja ever."
Despana 09-02-06, 12:30 PM	"Nobody puts traps in hallways!"
speeblefreak 09-02-06, 12:37 PM	(to an elf whose family was recently slaughtered by undead) So, how are the wife and kids?
AlphaSquirell 09-02-06, 01:13 PM	Rando (Monk): I charge into the next room holding the "everburning flame" Olympian style! (complete with him raising his arm in the air with his cup as the "torch") DM: Make a spot check. Rando: Okay (rolls, and fails, but he doesn't know that) DM: Make a reflex save. Rando: Okay (nat. 20) Now what? DM: You charge 10ft. into something nasty and goblin like, but much larger than you. Luckily, you bounce off it and hit the ground in such a way that you easily spring back to your feet. (I had been about to tell them that it entered the room, but he said "Wait, I charge into the next room Olympian style!" So I ruled it was on its way but just in the "hall" type thing between the rooms) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DM: You take 5 damage. Scout: (back of the party, out of the way, shooting arrows, not near any form of damage whatsover) What? HOW? DM: Magic Missile. (this is funny, because he has the highest armor class, I tend to roll and deliver damage AS I describe what's attacking, instead of saying "A attacks B" before I roll; and in the last campaign, where I wasn't DM, I stole the Scout's "Adult Blue Dragon" kill with a CL 14 Magic Missile, so it's fun to taunt him with it :) ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Zoey (Warmage): I cast True Strike on Josh. (Josh is the Scout) DM: You faill. Zoey: What? How? DM: Know your spells. True Strike has a range of "Personal". (I said this as I was showing him the entry in the PHB) Zoey: Oh, well, um, I cast Lesser Orb of Fire at the tree. (twig blights, much fun) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (What happens when the DM has a set order of events, and PCs have an uncanny knack for figuring it out without knowing it, and putting that information to the wrong use) Favored Soul: Who has the scroll of Entangle? I need it on my turn. DM: Everyone make a reflex save. *Everyone does, Ninja and Scout make it* DM: Plant vines and roots grow up out of the ground and begin to entwine around you. You two (ninja and scout) manage to not get caught in them before they fill the area. Favored Soul: Huh? What happened? DM: The Druid waved a wand at you. (no one was paying attention, and missed the whole "waving of wand" part, but did know they were trapped in the vines and stuff) Favored Soul: Entangle? DM: Yep. Favored Soul: Shoulda known..... (shaking his head with a grin of enjoyment at the sheer irony behind it) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ninja: I attack the halfling guy. I get a 16. DM: Miss. Ninja: Miss? Did you count Bless? DM: Yep. Favored Soul: And his bonus to hit from invisibility? (ninja ghost step) DM: Yep. Favored Soul: You sure? DM: Yep. Ninja: Dang. (rest of the battle included several "I missed with an 18", but nevermind the fact that he could have used an intelligence check for me to tell him it was an "uncanny dodge". I officially LOVE Rogues.... Nevermind the fact that I plan for this one to become an Eidolon, now that he's dead, and become a recurring "haunt" for the PCs that killed him) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *note: for all intents and purposes, the DM and Cleric are seperate entities, but are both run by the same person, me* Cleric: Holy crap. Favored Soul: What? Cleric: Remember when we lost and had to redo a few character sheets? (mine included) Favored Soul: Yeah. Cleric: Well, I missed something. Favored Soul: Don't have any feats? Cleric: No. Favored Soul: Your DM should have caught that. DM: Not funny.
Sadrx 09-02-06, 01:52 PM	The party is moving through an abandoned town where an as yet unidentified thick mist (really a variant Dream Vestige) surrounds and toys with them. One character in the party has already succomed to maddness. He began by claiming he could see forms in the mist and was shortly reduced to a blathering intelligence of 2. Another player: "Wait, I can see them too; something just slipped past us on the right!" A third player who has made all his saves: "Well, I don't know what to tell you."
metamind 09-02-06, 02:37 PM	Player: I make a spell craft check to learn how to use the magic sword. Me: That's not how it works. Player: YEAH DUMBASS! Its in my book, I just can't tell you where!
Monsco 09-02-06, 02:42 PM	A Human level 13 rouge in front of the tarssique... Rouge: I charge at him! I rolled a 17! do i hit? Me: No Rouge: i get a +2 for charging on my roll. Me: you still miss. Rouge: Hmmm... I know! i pick up the nearest dwarf and throws him at the beast as a distraction! Me: there are no dwarfs around. Rouge: fine, a Gnome. Me: just ran out. Rouge: :censored:, how about a halfling? Me: okay, (rolls dice) You rush toards the halfling, and you manage to pick him up. You toss the screaming Halfling 2 feet, he lands on his bottem, and runs off. THe tarssique rushes for you and eats you. Rouge: he cant do that. Me: yes he can Rouge: Did we grapple? me: yes. Rouge: Dang Me: (after rolling) the tarssiques maw cruseshes you. you die. Rouge: Crap. I come back to life and kill him Me: (sighs)... you can't to that. Rouge: ... Me: ... Rouge: I gotta pee. Before you say im a bad dm, he was the one that was looking for the Tarssique.
rudie 09-02-06, 04:20 PM	(after telling the pc's that yaun ti have a natural poison) player (a griffon): I bite the yaun ti me: um..you have like..6 hp left player: I do it anyway (he didn't die, surprisingly...never let anyone play a griffon)
Cryforge 09-02-06, 04:29 PM	A Human level 13 rouge in front of the tarssique... Rouge: I charge at him! I rolled a 17! do i hit? Me: No Rouge: i get a +2 for charging on my roll. Me: you still miss. Rouge: Hmmm... I know! i pick up the nearest dwarf and throws him at the beast as a distraction! Me: there are no dwarfs around. Rouge: fine, a Gnome. Me: just ran out. Rouge: :censored:, how about a halfling? Me: okay, (rolls dice) You rush toards the halfling, and you manage to pick him up. You toss the screaming Halfling 2 feet, he lands on his bottem, and runs off. THe tarssique rushes for you and eats you. Rouge: he cant do that. Me: yes he can Rouge: Did we grapple? me: yes. Rouge: Dang Me: (after rolling) the tarssiques maw cruseshes you. you die. Rouge: Crap. I come back to life and kill him Me: (sighs)... you can't to that. Rouge: ... Me: ... Rouge: I gotta pee. Before you say im a bad dm, he was the one that was looking for the Tarssique. Yeah. Cosmetics have a habit of not thinking before they hunt down terrifying creatures. :P Stupidest thing ever said...hmmm... Monk: "Can I pilot the airship?" DM: "You're level 1." Monk: "Yes." DM: "With no ranks in Profession (Pilot)." Monk: "And?" DM: *sigh* The worst thing is that the monk succeeded in piloting the airship...:uh-huh:
CrazyOzzy 09-02-06, 08:56 PM	I am DM and a Wizard, a Fighter along with rest of party are in combat with the Sorcerer BBEG... Round 1: Wizard: I cast Silence on the Sorcerer! DM: Ok he is now in a zone of silence but you see him gesticulating and he now becomes Invisible! Round 2: Fighter: I drag my flail along the ground in this direction and wait for it to stop making noise so I can locate the zone of silence! Wizard: I shout over to Fighter to shout back when he gets inside zone of silence!! This is a 19 INT WIZARD. Myself and the players just looked over aghast at the player for about 10 seconds wanting to slap him and he just sat there and said : "What?!" He then started laughing and apologised :D In his defense he was very very tired during that game session.
Davmeister84 09-02-06, 10:59 PM	GM: Alright, you see what seems like the group leader heading over towards you with three of his men in tow. They're all heavily armored and look pretty tough. PC: (out loud to the guards) "I know we're wanted criminals, but please don't assume we're bad people!"
Lord_Varos 09-03-06, 12:15 AM	How about that three out of four of the players in my campaign can't stop telling me only their natural rolls, rather than total roll. If they roll a 17 and have a +4 attack bonus, they say, "I got a 17! I hit!" "No, you don't," say I. To which he responds, "But [the swashbuckler] rolled a 17 and hit!" "Yeah, but he has a +6 attack bonus," I reply. "Mine's +7!" And so on, until they finally figure out that I don't want to take the time to memorize their attack bonuses and calculate them each time they swing a sword.