Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Nakorvis 05-09-07, 06:42 PM	Hi. Well the other day my campaign ended suddenly with a TPK. And the events leading up to the TPK inspired this thread. They found a small town in the middle of no where a few sessions ago and they watched the people in the town go about their buisness. Then the fighter said "Hey, lets have a constest, lets see how many people each of us can kill." The party consisted of a fighter, 2 wizards, 1 rogue and a ranger. So they went about killing people, the killed the guards early on when both wizards cast a fire ball spell on the watch tower, lighting it ablaze. After the massacre the rogue came out of a house with a human baby that was still alive. Now this is the question I thought I would never have to answer. The rogue asked me out of game "So, what type or roll or check do I need to skin a baby?". I had no clue, so I just said a dextairty check...but...that was just disturbing to say the least. So to kick off this thread... 1. I dont know what check you would need to skin a human baby.
UnrelentingHoror 05-09-07, 06:52 PM	Holy crap! Chaotic to Neutral evil parties For the Win. That IS disturbing lol.
wtftastic 05-09-07, 06:53 PM	2) I have no idea what kind of a check you'd have to make to craft a lock with rope... I mean thats not really straight forward. Just try a craft check I guess? 3) You critically failed a spot check? I don't think there are any reprocussions, but you may be blind. Might wanna have that checked out. 4) Yes, this town has babies for sale. Anything else you want?
Diplominator 05-09-07, 07:21 PM	I was not actually present for this one, but it's talked about often enough in my group. "Make a ranged whoring check."
temparus2000 05-09-07, 07:23 PM	5) No, the nightcrawler dosen't thank you when you kill your own teammate. It still eats you.
Crystal Monk 05-09-07, 08:48 PM	7: "okay, (the paladin's god) approves... for this casting of the spell, the gnome counts as a weapon."
Baernwulf_of_Nor 05-09-07, 11:53 PM	8: "The dwarf leaps across the counter with great dexterity"
Ariath Ska'Vhor 05-10-07, 12:02 AM	9. The knife is now in your face, what do you do now?
Fend 05-10-07, 12:08 AM	My party stopped off in a town of gnomes on the way to a large city 2 campaigns back. I still remember this one because it was.. er.. disturbing to say the least. player - "I chat up the gnome hooker" me - "make a roll" player - "20! Booyah!" me - "ok as the night goes on you end up going back to her room for the evening - *interupted*" player - "I cast enlarge person on myself!" me - "er... ok. Strength check to break enclosure" player - "26 :)"
darkneolink 05-10-07, 12:17 AM	11 congratulations you're level 20 12 congratulations you're level 10 13 congratulations you get to lvl 2 with your first campaign character I'm starting to think that is my fault that they don't survive the attack of mr fluffers th kitty
navar100 05-10-07, 03:33 AM	Applicable specifically for me: 14: I really wish we had a bard in the party. (It's so annoying needing just that 1 point more for an autosuccess for my warlock to Take 10 for UMD, and it's nowhere to be found. Generally speaking, I don't like bards.)
AffableDoomwalker 05-10-07, 03:51 AM	15. (after a 1-round battle between a min-maxed rage-mage, and a psionicist NPC) "Joe, look, I'm not spending 15 minutes figuring out exactly how many feet you climbed, and then fell, times the fall speed. The fact is you're dead. Your dumbass level 5 barbarian just challenged a guy who lifts boulders with his mind to a duel. To the death. On a mountain. There is no save for that, tumble won't help, he's still dead. He's gone, his items are shattered or otherwise unobtainable, he's liquefied, thats all the closure you're getting." Normally, I'm a numbers freak, I like to know exactly what happened, how much damage was done, if there was an chance of survival, etc. But then and there, I realized, sometimes it just isn't worth ten minutes of staring at a calculator and a paper full of numbers and modifiers.
PhantomTrain 05-10-07, 10:07 AM	Much in the same vein of AffableDoomwalker's post, but to the total opposite effect: GM (me) "Yes, I've done the math. He's still up." Dumbfounded PC 1 "But we just hit him..." Dumbfounded PC 2 "...with a train." GM "Yeah. And the train flattens like an accordion on him. He steps out of the flaming wreckage, not bothering to put out the small fires that crawl over his clothes. Now it's his initiative..."
Danarchy84 05-10-07, 01:07 PM	17) "You land on the basilisk, instantly killing it." The character was an 800-lb. warforged who jumped from pretty high up. Yeah...we made a bunch of Mario jokes after that.
Kylain 05-10-07, 01:32 PM	18) Wait, so instead of setting a spear against the swooping demon bat thing, which I know you have, you're asking me if you can throw a blanket over it, then run over and beat it to death before it can get out of the blanket? Ok, roll to hit with a blanket. 19) You really want to break into a store during your character introduction? 20) "Don't throw rocks at the chained god you moron!"
theheiress 05-10-07, 04:27 PM	21) With a smile and nod, the drow priestess heals the paladin.
Kerin 05-10-07, 04:45 PM	22) "I don't care, we NEED you to summon again." "Is it worth 25 gold to you for more celestial bees?
Lordpr 05-10-07, 05:39 PM	23) While playing in a just absurd campaign with some friends, one friend ask while playing his Forsaker ask "If I hold on to the boulder on the way down, when it hits the dragon will it count as a +5 weapon?"
Dragon_loving_DM 05-10-07, 06:21 PM	In the group that I DM the sorc, fighter, cleric, and monk rolled up on a group of goblins guarding a bridge. All four of the pc's had just came from an elvin city where they were fully outfitted because they all rolled a 18 or higher on their diplomacy check with the elf prince. Now their all in elvish masterwork armor. the melee types are rocking elvish masterwork weapons and the MU's are all rocking spell scrolls from the elves. Sorc: You should let us pass or else I'll let my fighting friend seated right next to me hit you with his brand new toy. Goblin leader: Bah! we see him. And we see his weapons. THeir not as good as ours (the goblins were arrogent to say the least and I kept that in mind while RPing them) Fighter::confused: But I just got this stuff it's.... Sorc::plotting: :lightbulb (interupts the Fighter) I tell you what We'll pay you triple what you charge for a toll if you can [heres what I never thought I would hear anyone say]...if you can use your superior goblinoid weapons to break his shoddly made elvin armor. Needless to say everyone was stunned he had said that and the goblins ended up taking him up on their challange. Of coarse they failed but still...I never thought someone would EVER say that.
Lelldorianx 05-10-07, 06:35 PM	"Yes, [WarForged Fighter], if you continue to use them as weapons - you can have proficiency with Improvised Weapon: Kobold."
SanderJK 05-10-07, 07:17 PM	24 - So.... how much of an attack roll penalty would i take if i wanted to use this hobo as an umprovised nonlethal damage weapon? [A Warforged who didn't quite understand the teaching of his Vow of Peace friend about not hurting others]
fdailey 05-10-07, 07:27 PM	Okay. Here goes. (names have been changed to keep the piece) "Yes Rick you are dead. What do you mean I am picking on you? You had your 3rd level PC attack a 7th level NPC fighter. 5 TIMES. He knocked you out and everytime you got back up you attacked him. Oh I am sorry, you are correct, I should have made him use non lethal damage while you used your sword because you are lower level." :(
sciguy98 05-10-07, 07:36 PM	"Yes, [goblin artificer], you successfully halt the adult green dragon's bullrush."
Shadow Chancellor 05-10-07, 07:36 PM	No. Just because you can create water does not mean you can create wine.
endofdreams 05-10-07, 07:41 PM	"Well, I suppose if you tie the two cats together by the tail they count as improvised Nunchaku..." "No, your ***** is not considerd a dragon familiar."
Elgeis 05-10-07, 07:48 PM	25. Yes...im pretty sure he is mad, stabing somone will do that. 26. Sure I guess you can set the chair on fire and beat him with it.... 27. Sorry, the store owner refuses to buy your broken weapons, he continues to tell you that this is a bakery and that he has never heard of such a thing as "vender trash". 28. FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU CANT KICK HIM WITH BOTH LEGS AT THE SAME TIME AND NOT FALL DOWN, I DONT CARE WHAT DEX CHECK YOU MAKE. 29. Ok....as you take a leak in the fountain in the middle of town....
stargate525 05-10-07, 08:32 PM	30. ok, so you've destroyed the ENTIRE CIVILIZATION... what do you do now?
Lelldorianx 05-10-07, 09:16 PM	31. "So, we are stuck in this cell? That sucks. What? I only have a loin cloth." "I make a bluff check and call the bandit guard over, then I tell him: 'Hey, you forgot to take this ring from me, and punch him in the face, after that, I drag him over to the bars so his legs wrap around one, pummel him until he has gone completely limp, and pee on him. Oh yea, then I take his pants. WHAT!? I DID NOT PEE ON THE PANTS! I SPECIFICALLY SAID HIS CHEST...Well...erm.. I take them anyway! And use my loin cloth to literally gag the next guard." DM: "More guards come down and whip you." Me: "But, I have his pants, right?" DM: "Yes, you have his pants. You are at -3." Me: "I WIN!!!!!" DM: "Unconscious cannot talk." Me: *mumbles*
Horus_Sungod 05-10-07, 09:32 PM	32. (to the ranger about his animal companion) Huh, your seagull comes back after killing the other half of the Neogi slaving raid. 33. As you turn around, the wall becomes three mummies.
BluPlague 05-10-07, 10:14 PM	Our DM: Wait, all 3 of you want to do this? No... No I do not know how much gold you would make if the 3 of you spent the next 5 years as lumberjacks.
weasel0 05-10-07, 10:34 PM	I HR Darkness as 3.0 rules. 2 players running a set of Dwarven brothers, in a darkness spell, battling Darkmantles. Me- You hear the muffled shouting of your brother next to you. DB1- Okay, Hold still brotha, I'm gonna knock that critter right off'ya! DB2- My char holds still to allow this. Me-..... okay, you reach out and feel the leathery flesh over your brothers head. DB1- I punch it. Me- It's wrapped right around his head and you have spikes. DB1- I know, it'll hurt the mantle more.
Benicus 05-10-07, 10:51 PM	Said to me during a game of SCAP. DM: Ok so what do you do now? Me playing barbarian: We give our dead rights of passage to the afterlife in the traditional highland manner; burning them on boats. We go to crater lake and burn the bodies while saluting. DM: [laughs] So you burn them in the middle of the town drinking water?! Me; I thought it was sewage? DM; It is now! Lol.
Lordpr 05-11-07, 12:16 AM	From an earlier game with a different gaming group. We had finally fought our way to the center of the evil temple. DM had set this up a dramatic part of the campaign. He tells us as we enter the chamber "you feel utter evil, it's almost palpable. In the center you see a huge stone." Myself as cleric and our wizard make checks to see what this is giving off this vibe. DM tells us its part of ..(can't remember the name for his CE god). Immediately the Elven Paladin jumps up and yell "I SMITE IT!" after several minutes of utter shock from the entire gaming group, we running as fast as possible as he ends up collapsing half the continent.
vactus 05-11-07, 01:55 PM	DM: Ok you guys are 20ft inside the courtyard of the castle. Monk: Nope, just me and the cleric... everyone else is at the door. DM: k... Give me spot checks. *rolls* DM: Ok you are looking into the courtyard and notice a fountain that doesn' have any water in it but does have some roses that are wilted and above that above the other end of the castle are two ,what appear to be, dragons but they don't look right. Monk: I scream as loud as I can to get their attention. DM: Did you really want to do that? Are you sure? Monk: The cleric can take them! DM: Ok... the two dragons land 10ft from you and breath weapon. Ref for half DC 22. Dmg is 14d6 each for a grand total of 97dmg *grumbles* Half the party just died Monk: I grab the cleric, and the dead wizard and dimension door out of there. This is what happens when you try to circumvent the dungeon by trying to take out the two BBEG pets prior to dealing with the dungeon itself. He screamed and the undead dragons went after them... along with three golems and two huge spiders for a grand total of VERY HIGH CR ENCOUNTER! Go go listen checks. A Radiant Servant of Pelor can only do so much as the only divine/undead killer in the party. *sigh* Edit: I'll have to add though that the monk was using some metagaming to pull off a certain tactic... but I won't get into the implications of all that and what happened afterwards.
Tordex 05-11-07, 05:37 PM	These events both happened in our last camp with me Dming. almost verbatum, same player as well. Player: ok, now I scale to the top above the Beholder and drop the tapestry on him, thereby blinding his eye gaze. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Player: I want to throw some caltrops at the beholder. DM: caltrops are an improvised weapon, and I'll give them a range increment of 5ft, so every 5ft of distance thereafter will impose a -2 penalty at attacking with them. Player: Bull-BEEP! I should be able to throw caltrops easily DM: Caltrops are intended to impede ground movement, not used as a weapon to cause damage to a beholder who is effectively 45ft away from you. Player: I can throw caltrops that far by myself! DM: I'm sure you could, and I'm sure that they would be just as effective in real life doing the same thing...think throwing a bunch of pebbles 45ft in real life...caltrops will do the same thing. Scatter and be useless. *almost a half an hour later* DM: make a fort save. Player: ...I rolled a 1 DM: You have been disentegrated. and your caltrops fall to the floor causing your smoking remains an additional 1 point of dmg. Tor
BluPlague 05-11-07, 05:53 PM	*Um...no. You do not have the material components to summon a... harlot. I'm not sure what they are, but you don't have them. *(to the bard) I'm not sure what the Bluff DC score is to convince the troll it is already dead. *(to my dwarven fighter/rouge as he is hurled into the drow(s) by the friendly ogre) Yes, I guess it would be bludgeoning damage. No, you can't critically hit with a ranged dwarf attack. Natural 20 or not, that's where I draw the line. Now, what type of damage dice did we agree on? Okay, No, you do not get to add your sneak attack. *(after transmute to gold is cast on the rouge) It doesn't give base prices for statues of gold made from human in the DMG. *Bluff checks don't work against deities. And attempting one goes against your alignment. *You "use sense motive on the charging dire tiger?" His motive is... I don't know, he's hungry, okay? *What? Well, I suppose that I can allow you to make an intimidate check to "flash the dragon". Better hope he rolls low. *Okay, so (I can't believe this) the dragons seems intimidated by the size of your... by your flashing. Make an initiative test. *for the last time, let the ninja out of the bottle before his gaseous form wears off. No, you can not use him like a pokemon. Grow up.
Saiyamantis 05-13-07, 04:07 AM	These quotes come from an early D&D game featuring, among others, a paranoid chaotic neutral evoker. Note that two of these quotes involved halting combat against a deity in order to mitigate his destruction. Yes, it was that bad. Me: While he does everything PG-13 and below to the bracers, we'll check THIS corridor. Me: What did you summon against him? Mage: Dire tigers... Me: And those are big cats? Mage: Yeah, the size of a school bus! Me: And what is he the god of? Mage: Um... ****. Me: And if you DON'T stop making those sentient magic items, I will smite you well and true and upside the head. (I think it's worth mentioning that his favorite overmagicked staff became intelligent, then human, then smarter than he was before we were level 10.) Me: HOLD IT! *stops combat* ME, Spellblade Hadoken! YOU, Spellblade Hadoken! YOU, Spellblade Hadoken! YOU, Spellblade Hadoken! YOU, Spellblade Clone! You're IMMUNE TO CLONING YOURSELF! This one has absolutely nothing to do with the above game, but was too good to pass up. "Ride my levitating rhinoceros!"
Solian 05-13-07, 07:13 AM	*Um...no. You do not have the material components to summon a... harlot. I'm not sure what they are, but you don't have them. *(to the bard) I'm not sure what the Bluff DC score is to convince the troll it is already dead. *(to my dwarven fighter/rouge as he is hurled into the drow(s) by the friendly ogre) Yes, I guess it would be bludgeoning damage. No, you can't critically hit with a ranged dwarf attack. Natural 20 or not, that's where I draw the line. Now, what type of damage dice did we agree on? Okay, No, you do not get to add your sneak attack. *(after transmute to gold is cast on the rouge) It doesn't give base prices for statues of gold made from human in the DMG. *Bluff checks don't work against deities. And attempting one goes against your alignment. *You "use sense motive on the charging dire tiger?" His motive is... I don't know, he's hungry, okay? *What? Well, I suppose that I can allow you to make an intimidate check to "flash the dragon". Better hope he rolls low. *Okay, so (I can't believe this) the dragons seems intimidated by the size of your... by your flashing. Make an initiative test. *for the last time, let the ninja out of the bottle before his gaseous form wears off. No, you can not use him like a pokemon. Grow up. Was laughing all the way through reading this, had to stop and wipe the tears away before i went on. you get two thumbs up bluplague!
Lelldorianx 05-13-07, 08:35 AM	Well, I am not quite sure what check you make to punt a kobold. I suppose just roll attack. Yes, with that strength you certainly could squish your own skull... Your biceps are two times as large as your head, and ten-fold your brain. No, the Drow is actually on your side, Lawful Good party. Well.. Yes, I suppose I can let you have profession entrepreneur. So you land on this new continent ripe for the colonists, and now what? Wait, you bought 50 chickens, twenty goats, and four cow? Let me see that character sheet. *looks at possessions not on person* Rent-a-cop, farmhands, lumberjack, carpenter? So how are you feeding this.. Him: CRAP! I forgot feed... uhh, so we landed on the sand right? Me: No, I know what you are thinking, cows eat grass.
matrix_king3 05-13-07, 08:44 AM	My players was in a dungeons and they heard sounds from the well. They just killed like 5 zombies. They got only 2 torches left. DM : You all hearing sounds commin from the well Dwarven Fighter : I cut a zombie head, use a torch to lite it and throw it in the well to make some light. DM : Its working...I think...so you see 4 spiders climbing it... ZOMBIE...ZOMBIE...ZOMBIE IS ON FIRE!!
Lelldorianx 05-13-07, 09:15 AM	Me: Wait, so we are in this cell for our own safety? DM: That's what Maximus says, he's your stable master of the arena. Me: Is he here? DM: Yes, he would like to know- Me: I urinate on him!!!! DM: Uh.. [laughs]... he... leaves? Me: YES!!! Ok, so how do we get out guys? DM: [laughing cynically] Well.. the thing is, the guy you urin- Me: NO!!! SHUT UP! WRONG! (Didn't want to believe what he was going to say)
Valdaran 05-13-07, 10:26 AM	*Um...no. You do not have the material components to summon a... harlot. I'm not sure what they are, but you don't have them. *(to the bard) I'm not sure what the Bluff DC score is to convince the troll it is already dead. *(to my dwarven fighter/rouge as he is hurled into the drow(s) by the friendly ogre) Yes, I guess it would be bludgeoning damage. No, you can't critically hit with a ranged dwarf attack. Natural 20 or not, that's where I draw the line. Now, what type of damage dice did we agree on? Okay, No, you do not get to add your sneak attack. *(after transmute to gold is cast on the rouge) It doesn't give base prices for statues of gold made from human in the DMG. *Bluff checks don't work against deities. And attempting one goes against your alignment. *You "use sense motive on the charging dire tiger?" His motive is... I don't know, he's hungry, okay? *What? Well, I suppose that I can allow you to make an intimidate check to "flash the dragon". Better hope he rolls low. *Okay, so (I can't believe this) the dragons seems intimidated by the size of your... by your flashing. Make an initiative test. *for the last time, let the ninja out of the bottle before his gaseous form wears off. No, you can not use him like a pokemon. Grow up. Brilliant! These are excellent.
Callabryn 05-13-07, 12:05 PM	"Congratulations, you succeed in killing yourself" (Said to the Dwarf Fighter who accidentally stepped on one of his own caltrops, took 4 damage, then proceeded to whine until i let him make a check to break his own neck.)
Callabryn 05-13-07, 12:09 PM	"Congratulations, you succeed in killing yourself" (Said to the Dwarf Fighter who accidentally stepped on one of his own caltrops, took 4 damage, then proceeded to whine until i let him make a check to break his own neck.) "The burning toaster falls on your foot, and you take 6 damage."
Garret Lightfoot 05-13-07, 12:09 PM	This was from a campaign I played in a couple of years back. DM: "Wait... what? You want to do what?" Other Player: "I am just going to play marbles with these little kids. What's the big deal?" DM: "...I guess that's ok. The kids barely have enough to play themselves and I know you don't have any marbles so how are you going to play?" Other Player: "Wouldn't these work as marbles?" *points to sheet* DM: "...No, you may not use the Orbs of Dragonkind as marbles."
Toran_A_Sunder 05-13-07, 12:26 PM	~ Yes, the thieves guild will provide explosives. *sigh* Yes, I suppose you could blow up the orphanage by lining the hidden passage beneath. *double sigh* Yes, you can do it with the children inside. *triple sigh* Yes, you will become evil afterward. ~ (to the same player a couple of sessions later) No, you cannot roll a sense motive against the darkness to find out if there is danger hidden within it. ~ You just successfully caved in the dwarf's head using his halfling friend as a club. ~ (said to me) you just decapited the orc...with a rapier
LeuktheSavior 05-13-07, 12:53 PM	Player 1: Can I role an intuition check to see if i know what the sword is? Dm: yeah Player 1: *rolls*...1 Player 2: Hey [player 1], isnt that the Balor Butterknife? Player 1: ...tanar'ri toast?
Melil13 05-13-07, 02:30 PM	I was in a game with 1 rogue,1 wiz, 1 monk, 1 pally, 1 duskblade .... we started off in a town that was attacked by rust monsters with wiz, pally, and dusk blade running for their armor ... our wizard is backed into a corner .... he then goes "I am going to jump into the bathroom and lock the door" ... so the monk and me (rogue) kill everything ... monk gave me his staff. The whole town gets sucked down into the "Bugs" underground tunnel. We follow a tunnel and our paladin sense's evil ... he charges across a room filled with Treasure down the hall way screaming "Evil!!!!".
Tusalu 05-13-07, 02:40 PM	The Kobold Ninja is trying to cut his beef with his wakisashi. He accidently hits his glass which splinters, and some of the glass fly up in the head of the quenn, making her call her guards.
Soceus 05-13-07, 02:58 PM	me as dm: Quick, roll an intelligence check *player rolls and gets a 6* You realize, you just locked yourself in a jail cell, with a bloody mace after you slaughtered 12 of the jail gaurds, and your still in your brest plate as you realize the other prisoners are all in rags, and a guard walks up and says "what the ****?" Player: What? A guy cant be in jail with armor and a bloody mace? Half-Orc Prisoner: He killed the guards and locked himself in there! He's a murderer! Gaurd: Is this true? Player: Who are you going to believe, me or the half-orc? Gaurd: Good point... your free to go. Be aware, extremely racist society, and he was a human, lol.
zvbxrpl 05-13-07, 03:14 PM	35. No, you may not cast fireball at the lake and fly on the rush of steam coming up. 36.You're playing a half-troll otyugh? 36a.You're gonna name the half-troll otyugh Yo Momma?
Saberus 05-13-07, 03:40 PM	37. DM: you see a sleeping troll... Cleric: I anoint him in holy oil and give him last rites. DM: OK, the troll wakes up, and bellows, "WHAT are you DOING HERE!" Cleric: I'm giving you a standard blessing for your journey... DM(as troll): What journey? Sorceror: This one! (Maximized Scortching Ray) DM: :eek: that's 72 damage, it's just barely... Cleric:you forgot the holy oil... DM: :censored: -rolls for burning oil- :censored::censored::headexplo It's dead.
Soluphobe 05-13-07, 04:31 PM	38. No, you cannot turn the large building into a flying subservient magical item capable of casting Maximized Disintigrate Rays at will. No, not even if you take 10. 39. No, you cannot staff the building with hive-mind warforged. Have you been watching too much Star Trek? 40. (UA Sanity rules) DM: Anything else you want to tell the high priest of Pelor? Player: I tell him everything I know about Knowledge(forbidden lore)! DM: You are insane, you know. Player: Yeah. What kind of check is it? DM: Uh, diplomacy. Player: [rolls] 23 total. DM: Uh, okay. [rolls d%] Hmm...a natural 01. The High Priest goes insane. [rolls] Long term insanity. [rolls] Unable to speak or otherwise communicate. You do realize that this guy was your most powerful ally. And now he's insane? A mob of Pelorians chases you out of the city. Player 2: Perhaps we should rethink our choice of 'face of the party.'
Salla 05-13-07, 04:38 PM	41. "That's St. Cuthbert, not St. Colbert."
Namation 05-13-07, 05:31 PM	42. Sooo, if you take into consideration the fact its an improvised weapon - Along with its size and bulk. Your attack bonus wielding that troll would amount toooo... +1. 43. Curses! 6 levels of wizard, and not a single spell to escape from my parents house. 44. I guess your stomach acid would kill it, or something similar.. (On what would happen if a player decided to eat a troll raw.)
darkdragonk 05-13-07, 06:04 PM	Bump
Gemstone 05-13-07, 06:30 PM	41. "That's St. Cuthbert, not St. Colbert." Okay, I fell of my chair reading this
superjesusfromthefuture 05-13-07, 06:38 PM	Who told you a Mandolin deals d10 (damage)?
zvbxrpl 05-13-07, 08:02 PM	45. No, I don't think your bard knows "I Love Rock and Roll." 46. The perfume smells like a tuna sandwich. You can't sell it! (Don't ask, please.)
Ikyotojin 05-13-07, 08:19 PM	47 - Uhmmm. yeah. Well, after the hill giant stands up, yes you are, in fact, "deeply lodged". And yeah, you really REALLY need to make a FORT check. I told you that using an illusion to look like a rock wasn't a good idea when the giant was looking for a place to sit and pull the caltrops out of his foot!
Baernwulf_of_Nor 05-13-07, 09:05 PM	I was playing a schitzophreniec(spelled that wrong) Undead hunter. Basically a barbarian/rogue. Me: Does holy water damage vampires? DM:yes Me: How much water is in a jug? Player 2: 1 gallon Me: I throw my gallon of holy water at the vampire......I HIT!!! DM: um.....uh.... Player 2: That would be like 64d4... BoN
BluPlague 05-14-07, 12:21 PM	Alright, I love this one. The folowing conversation actually took place. Me "You are walking down a 10 foot wide, well lit hallway. It is only about 20 feet long. 3 orcs at the end of it spot you. Roll for initiative. Player 1 you go first." Player 1 " I move halfway down the hall and use my hide in 'plain sight' to hide against the wall. Me- "The orc watches you lean against the wall. Um... You realize that the orcs have to stop looking at you for that ability to work, right? Would you like to take a different action?" Player 1 "No" rolls to hide "18! I hide against the wall" Me- shrugging "Player 1, the orc walks up to you and hits you." Player 1 "you mean it walks past me and hits Player 2. Remember, I was hiding." Me- "I told you, in order to use that ability, the orcs attention has to be drawn away from you for at least a few seconds. And there isn't anywhere for you to hide." Player 1- "I rolled a nat 20. And I hid against the wall" Me- "Let me get this straight. You approached the orc, who obviously knew you were there, down a well lit hallway with your weapon drawn, stopped a mere 10 feet away from him, and leaned against the wall? Yeah, he hits you." Player 1- "He can't see me, I rolled a 20. Orc's can't roll that high on spot. He doesn't even know I am here." Me- "Where exactly does he think you went then?" Player 1- "I dunno, I'm hiding" Me- "There's no place to hide" 5 minutes go by, all the other players are laughing their <censored> off because now Player 1 is trying to show us all how he is hiding using one of walls in the basement as an example. Player 1- "See, I push myself in the against the wall like this. See, and then I kind of curl up like this" *he brings his arms up to block the rest of his torso* "and when he walks past me, I jump behind him and stab him in the back, see?" Me- "Oh, I am glad that you showed us this. Well, it seems that you lose your dex bonus because your hands were in front of your eyes. Player 2 go." Player 1- "I was hiding!" Player 2- "Hey Player 1 can I see you?" Player 1- "Yeah, because you watched me hide." Player 2- "Just checking. I walk up behind Player 1 and stab him in the back. I say, 'Hey, we can see you.' " Player 1- "Wait, you didn't tell me you were going to stab me. You can't see me then, because your an enemy and I'm hiding." I never actually got to witness this one, but my PC's love to talk about it: Apparently one of the monks they used to play with maxed out the skill perform(sexual positions) and got quite a few good deals when he used it. They tell me that he used it like it was a diplomacy skill. He even got the princess to convince the king to give the party extra gold for a job well done on there journey, though none of the other characters ever found out why.
kelvinaw273 05-14-07, 01:46 PM	GM: "OK, let me get this straight, you are leaving the castle by stealing the barons helicopter, after taking out most of his guards, robbing his vault and leaving your calling card, and while you do this you want Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries playing on the castle PA system?" Shadowrun Team: "Yep!" GM: "You don't really go in for stealth tactics, do you?" Me (playing the Physical Adept skills-monkey): "Only on the way in."
zvbxrpl 05-14-07, 05:35 PM	:heehee Theatrical heroism for the win!
Gemstone 05-15-07, 04:53 AM	Alright, I love this one. The folowing conversation actually took place. Me "You are walking down a 10 foot wide, well lit hallway. It is only about 20 feet long. 3 orcs at the end of it spot you. Roll for initiative. Player 1 you go first." Player 1 " I move halfway down the hall and use my hide in 'plain sight' to hide against the wall. Me- "The orc watches you lean against the wall. Um... You realize that the orcs have to stop looking at you for that ability to work, right? Would you like to take a different action?" Player 1 "No" rolls to hide "18! I hide against the wall" Me- shrugging "Player 1, the orc walks up to you and hits you." Player 1 "you mean it walks past me and hits Player 2. Remember, I was hiding." Me- "I told you, in order to use that ability, the orcs attention has to be drawn away from you for at least a few seconds. And there isn't anywhere for you to hide." Player 1- "I rolled a nat 20. And I hid against the wall" Me- "Let me get this straight. You approached the orc, who obviously knew you were there, down a well lit hallway with your weapon drawn, stopped a mere 10 feet away from him, and leaned against the wall? Yeah, he hits you." Player 1- "He can't see me, I rolled a 20. Orc's can't roll that high on spot. He doesn't even know I am here." Me- "Where exactly does he think you went then?" Player 1- "I dunno, I'm hiding" Me- "There's no place to hide" 5 minutes go by, all the other players are laughing their <censored> off because now Player 1 is trying to show us all how he is hiding using one of walls in the basement as an example. Player 1- "See, I push myself in the against the wall like this. See, and then I kind of curl up like this" *he brings his arms up to block the rest of his torso* "and when he walks past me, I jump behind him and stab him in the back, see?" Me- "Oh, I am glad that you showed us this. Well, it seems that you lose your dex bonus because your hands were in front of your eyes. Player 2 go." Player 1- "I was hiding!" Player 2- "Hey Player 1 can I see you?" Player 1- "Yeah, because you watched me hide." Player 2- "Just checking. I walk up behind Player 1 and stab him in the back. I say, 'Hey, we can see you.' " Player 1- "Wait, you didn't tell me you were going to stab me. You can't see me then, because your an enemy and I'm hiding." I never actually got to witness this one, but my PC's love to talk about it: Apparently one of the monks they used to play with maxed out the skill perform(sexual positions) and got quite a few good deals when he used it. They tell me that he used it like it was a diplomacy skill. He even got the princess to convince the king to give the party extra gold for a job well done on there journey, though none of the other characters ever found out why. The sad thing is that my players WILL do this mistake once one of them has Hide in Plain Sight.
acide_bob 05-15-07, 05:59 AM	51- dm - I can't believe it *sigh* Giant rogue- Just say it. dm- you sneak attack the gnome... with a trample... 52 - So you backstab this guy.... in the face... 53- DM - You really want to break that heavy IRON door with headbutts? Dwarf drunken master - Yes
BluPlague 05-15-07, 06:56 PM	DM- "Okay, it is going to be a week long journey to port ### by cart. Then you have to take a boat to the island. What do you do to pass the time." Others- (answers range from "reading" and "catching up on sleep" to "practicing spells" and "counting money" Me (dwarven fighter) - "I am building a boat." DM- "...? Out of what?" Me- "out of the cart" DM- "um, I don't think you can do that" Me- "I don't see why not. The owner we found on it was that builder npc from ###. You said we found him dead on it with all of his materials. Surely my dwarf can make a few craft checks to modify it so that it can float. And we bought a barrel of tar that we never delivered to the castle for their gatekeepers as per their request. If I use that I can seal up the boat and it should float." DM- "but.." Me- "...and the canvas on this covered wagon should make a nice sail. You said that the island was about ten miles out, right? That isn't to bad for a small boat to travel. By the time we get to port ### we'll only have to rest there a night and we won't even have to waste money and time trying to buy a boat." Dm- "...but... um...so, the every day you work on this boat? for a week? Well, given your dwarven nature at crafting things, I guess I can allow this. Um, bonus XP to you."
LaserBear 05-15-07, 07:57 PM	GM: You want to put a mirror through it's correlary mirror on the plane of mirrors/reflection? Me: Yep :D GM: How do you plan on finding the corect location? It is an infinite plane after all. Me: Remember the rogue from that mirror spiecies that was Iron Flasked by the Psion, the one that could travel through mirrors... GM: :censored: :banghead: :headexplo GM: Ok, you find the mirror correlating to your armor, what do you do? Me: I walk through it. GM: Congradulations, you have just destroyed the multiverse. Me: Good work everyoone, we ended the blood war, and we weren't even epic yet. (The GM later ruled that we had only inverted reflection and mirrors across the multiverse; and anyone looking in a mirror at the time was sucked into another multiverse; one far harder to break, hopefully)
Kakashi22692 05-15-07, 09:56 PM	54-(barbarian) ummm i got a 28 to climb a 10 foot wall with a ladder and steps next to each other, do i just kindof run up it? (DM) no, you take out your greatsword and level all of the building except the roof and walk on. 55- (DM) the AOL man shows up, kicks grummsh in his one nut, and explodes the world with a magic missile. (wizard's last words) HA!!! i told you magic missile wasnt useless!!!
Lelldorianx 05-16-07, 04:11 PM	Here is a great one, something that occurred in a campaign we played. I am Steve, a ranger, my friend is Rex, paul the fearsome, soon to be renamed (forever in every campaign thereafter) Paul the Crispy, or Crispy Paul. DM: Ok, the mummy-like thing that hit you had an adhesive substance on it, he gets stuck to you. Rex: I try to escape it, DM: How? Rex: I dunno, I grab his other arm and push him off. DM: You get stuck. Rex: I try to escape artist DM: You are now completely stuck to it, torso and all. DM: Players 3 and 4, you guys are stuck to the other one. 3 & 4: We take 20. DM: Rex, Steve, what are you doing, Steve; by the way - your right arm is stuck to it, Rex's torch is blazing a foot away from your hair in his hand. Rex: Burn it! Me(Steve): Ok, Walter (DM) is there water nearby? DM: Yeah, about 5 - 10 feet behind you. Me: I use my arm to push his torch into it. DM: You cannot reach it with your stuck arm, what now? Rex: Use your head to push it into the zombie, yes that's it. Me: Ok. I use my head to push the torch into the mummy thing! And start to burn it. DM: Ok, [laughing for 5 minutes] after a round or two you can move, your arm is no longer stuck. Rex, you begin to catch ablaze. Rex: DUDE!!! P3 & 4: Should have taken 20. Me: Heck no, this adds to my backstory. Rex: ... ugh. Me: Is my hair ok? DM: It is on fire. Me: I run to the water to put it out. Rex: Dude! C'mon. Me: HAIR FIRST!!!! Me: Ok, after my hair is out, I go to drag Rex to the water. DM: Strength? Me: Only 13. DM: Ok, it takes you a couple rounds but you get there, Rex is still alive. Me: Ok, I push him in the water, so that the mummy is on under the water, and he can float & breathe. DM: Ok, the mummy no longer burns, but Rex does. Me: I spin them. DM: The fire starts to go out. Me: Ok, I go to 3 & 4 and ask if they would like me to get them out. 3&4: NO! DM: Rex is running low on air. Rex: Dude... Me: Ok, I drag him out of the water. DM: Rex, you have blackened skin. Me: PAUL THE CRISPY! Rex: Can I hit him? DM: In game or out? Party: [laughs] :) Just an odd thing from our campaign, never thought I would say a couple of those things though. Like HAIR FIRST!
dman11235 06-06-07, 12:36 AM	Me, as a radiant servant of Pelor, and very exalted: "I disrobe" guy who hasn't been there often: "You what?!?!" "I disrobe, thus letting us see." "That's just wrong...." Later on, I had to use the luminous armor to open a door, and beyond it was a room of mirrors. We were blined because I didn't have my robes on.
Kaldric 06-06-07, 01:37 AM	No, you can't have sex with it. Why? Because you're a Beholder, that's why.
Disciple_of_Salsa 06-06-07, 01:42 AM	I was Dming for a solo fighter. Him: Okay, I challenge the wizard to a drinking contest. Me:What!? He agrees. Umm.... you both drink, make a DC say...6 fort save. (He rolls) Him:Does a 29 make it? Me:Yeah, (I roll a 1) He passes out on the table. Him: YEAH!!!!!!! Shouldn't roll for acohol poisioning or something? Me: He only had one drink! Oh... Whatever. DC 4 fort save or die. (I roll a 1) @#$%$#@@!!!! He dies. You suck. Him: Do I still get xp? Me:Grr....
OneWinged4ngel 06-06-07, 01:55 AM	3) You critically failed a spot check? I don't think there are any reprocussions, but you may be blind. Might wanna have that checked out. There are no critical successes for skill checks, nor critical failures. There is no special effect for a natural 20 or a natural 1. I've been surprised that I have needed to say this, let alone a *lot* of times.
Carmine_the_Wolf 06-06-07, 10:15 AM	DM: You peer round the corner and see the mage and the last of his guards locked in a desperate struggle with the bugbears. PC: I run up and shove my sword between his ribs. DM: He lets out a scream and slides off the blade as the bugbears finish off the last of his men. PC: I make a friendly gesture towards the bugbears. DM: The nearest bugbear caves your head in with his morningstar. PC: Why did he do that? DM: Possibly because he's an evil humanoid commited to wiping out all human life in the region?