Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Class_A_Infidel 06-15-07, 11:20 AM	Let's all take the things our beloved (and hated) DMs have said. Please number your submissions. Please number your submissions. Here's mine: 1) Since when is the idea of D&D to have fun? We're being serious here! 2) Just because it's called the Player's Handbook doesn't mean other people than DMs should read it! (Note that this guy seriously believed that DMs should just tell the Player's how the rules worked in each given situation, and the Players were spoiling the game if they disputed his decision.) 3) F*ck you, a thousand hobgoblins could -totally- kill a Balor in D&D! (this was not the DM from nr. 2)
Kimokeo 06-15-07, 11:58 AM	4) You're dead. Live with it.
northern_bear 06-15-07, 12:10 PM	5) He tells you that he isn't scared of your puny +2 longsword.
Evil DM Mk3 06-15-07, 12:14 PM	6 I fully expect this session to go without a hitch.
Another_Poet 06-15-07, 12:19 PM	7) Why would you get a reflex save? It's a pit trap! (this was actually me, one of the first times I DM'ed)
Grogmir 06-15-07, 12:26 PM	8) DM: Just roll a Dice! Me: What for? DM: Not sure – just roll high! Me: Er… Ok….
Sajek 06-15-07, 12:27 PM	Are these supposed to be real or hypothetical?
tete 06-15-07, 12:29 PM	Not D&D mind you but 8) Mustard gas does not come from mustard seeds. 9) You smell natural gas. (which then led to an argument of a PC and the GM about how they add the smell it doesn't naturally smell that way) 10) Its a smart missile (done by me when I rolled randomly for what PC it hit and I rolled for the guy who was 12 blocks away from the fight) 11) The room fills with water (done by me forgetting that I had said the room was completely sealed.)
Class_A_Infidel 06-15-07, 01:03 PM	Are these supposed to be real or hypothetical? Real. Not D&D mind you but ... Mustard gas does not come from mustard seeds. ... You smell natural gas. (which then led to an argument of a PC and the GM about how they add the smell it doesn't naturally smell that way) ... Its a smart missile (done by me when I rolled randomly for what PC it hit and I rolled for the guy who was 12 blocks away from the fight) ... The room fills with water (done by me forgetting that I had said the room was completely sealed.) Did you miss the large writing in the original post? :nonono:
Evil DM Mk3 06-15-07, 01:05 PM	13)Please number your submissions.
Stumm_Dolch 06-15-07, 01:10 PM	13)Please number your submissions. haha pwned
tete 06-15-07, 01:15 PM	I wasn't sure if they counted... after all they aren't from D&D games.
feartheinvinceblehamster 06-15-07, 01:35 PM	14) "I can't run through this without killing a PC!" Said on international D&D game day, by a guy who then proceeded to sic a black dragon on a bunch of pregen, level one PCs. Hilariously, not one PC died.
RedTopHat 06-15-07, 03:25 PM	These were me as a DM. 15) You walk on a slight mountain. 16) You enter the metal cave. 17) You stumble upon a Goblin camp. 18) It tastes fizzily. 19) You enter a homocidal rage. I'm a walking embarrassment.:P
koiulpoi 06-15-07, 03:38 PM	20) "No, we're NOT going to play 3.5! I hate third edition, everyone's always trying to tell me what the rules are, and that's the one thing I really hate. No, we're going to play 2nd edition, but I'll change it and remove THAC0 and some other stuff so you guys like it." Needless to say, I became the DM after that - nobody wanted to play "The DM's freaky hybrid game".
Papapop 06-15-07, 04:10 PM	21) The Orc falls over and seems to die
mearrin69 06-15-07, 05:29 PM	22) No. Keep fighting. Your barbarian is raging...he doesn't have the presence of mind to stop and drink a potion of healing. Nope, not even with a Will save.
Ack 06-15-07, 06:57 PM	23) "No, your stonecunning will not detect the giant centipede on the roof of the cave. It's camouflaged as rock, not disguised as stone." 24) "The stone blocks falling from the stone ceiling do not count as a stonework trap because the trap was triggered by failing to pick a lock." 25) "Next you'll be claiming your stonecunning will be able to detect an assassin named Stone!" 26) "No, I'm not nerfing stonecunning. It just doesn't work in those situations."
Radiun 06-15-07, 07:03 PM	27) So I'll be using this DMPC named Pun-Pun see and...HEY! Where's everybody going?
Salla 06-15-07, 07:04 PM	28. "You've beaten the bad guy! Looting the room, you find a +4 Vorpal Greatsword, a +5 Heavy Fortification Plate Mail suit, a Wand of Meteor Swarm, a Staff of the Magi, and a +6 Girdle of Giant Strength ... and you gained enough XP to get to fourth level." I wish I was kidding.
navar100 06-15-07, 07:51 PM	29. "Thank you for choosing to be the cleric. It's only good for healing, but someone has to do it."
Class_A_Infidel 06-15-07, 07:56 PM	23) "No, your stonecunning will not detect the giant centipede on the roof of the cave. It's camouflaged as rock, not disguised as stone." 24) "The stone blocks falling from the stone ceiling do not count as a stonework trap because the trap was triggered by failing to pick a lock." 25) "Next you'll be claiming your stonecunning will be able to detect an assassin named Stone!" 26) "No, I'm not nerfing stonecunning. It just doesn't work in those situations." You like stonecunning, don't you?
Raven_Bloodtracker 06-15-07, 09:56 PM	30) "So the two of you are sleeping by the fire pit, under the starry night with the moon shining brightly. How close are you two together as it's a very cold cold night..." The PCs involved were a Human Wizard and an Elven Druid. Both Male. LOL
Kojiro James 06-15-07, 10:47 PM	31) "*Sound effect.* *Sound effect.* *Sound effect with spittle.* *Sound effect.* *Stupid sound effect.* *Sound effect.* *Sound effect.* *Really weird sound effect.*"
snakeman830 06-15-07, 11:23 PM	32) Sure you get a reflex save for half damage, but Evasion doesn't work. 33) Can you survive half of 1,000D6 fire damage? Both of the above were my comments to a cheating 5th level elf. 34) Oh. That's an ability I missed reading before. This fight is gonna get intresting. 35) It was a non-advanced choker, a CR 3, and it nearly killed half the party. That is pathetic. #35 was against a party of level 10's. The thing didn't even move. This one is not mine. 36) *to the monk who, while incredibly drunk, punched out a civilian and now has the gaurd after him* You are lawful good. You need to turn yourself in to keep with your alignment. No, you must go directly to jail. You may not pass Go and collect 200 gp.
Saiyamantis 06-16-07, 01:29 AM	28. "You've beaten the bad guy! Looting the room, you find a +4 Vorpal Greatsword, a +5 Heavy Fortification Plate Mail suit, a Wand of Meteor Swarm, a Staff of the Magi, and a +6 Girdle of Giant Strength ... and you gained enough XP to get to fourth level." I wish I was kidding. I've seen worse, actually. A friend of mine kept getting "Roll twice again" and ended up with the equivalent of a +12 weapon. I think he decided to turn it into a legacy item. 37) I hurt you? Cool! 38) Player: (to major villain) Who are you? DM: (probably OOC) Um... I forgot.
Archangel62 06-16-07, 01:55 AM	39) "You refused to investigate the attacks on the Desmodu, I should make you nonlawful for that but I'll let it slide" (said after the party rescued me ((I was the new guy)) from the Desmodu who claimed they did it because they needed help, yes beating someone nearly to death and keeping them hogtied and almost killing the rescuers is a GREAT way to make people want to aid you) 40) No, even though he stole from three of you, carries almost 20,000 in minor magical items, got one of you locked up under false pretenses, refused to help when the vampiric mist almost killed the party, I would say that he is able to remain exalted and keep his vow of poverty (same DM from 39)
vineyard 06-16-07, 02:02 AM	41. "But I thought that this was the area where you guys were supposed to get ambushed".
Class_A_Infidel 06-16-07, 03:28 PM	Hey, guys! I've got more. 42) You see a nymph. Roll a will save to check if you c*m. 43) The sorcerer opens up his spellbook and...
Ack 06-17-07, 01:13 AM	You like stonecunning, don't you? Yeah, and the GM doesn't.
AffableDoomwalker 06-17-07, 08:47 AM	4) You're dead. Live with it. Come now, that one is fair enough, and even downright necessary in certain situations. Anywho... 44. You suddenly realize: your [10,000+ GP thrice-enchanted] greatsword is nowhere to be found. This was said after the DM decided it'd be a good idea to let us loot a gem mine, then decided it'd be a good idea to allow us access to whatever enchantments we could afford. The decided that the enchanted sword was far too pwnsy a weapon, and removed it via DM Fiat. Ten seconds after we found out we were about to fight a black dragon.
Evil DM Mk3 06-17-07, 08:53 AM	No it is LIVE with being DEAD. LIVE
AffableDoomwalker 06-17-07, 09:44 AM	No it is LIVE with being DEAD. LIVE Yes, and?
draco1119 06-17-07, 10:03 AM	45) Roll a Spotcraft!
geekling 06-17-07, 11:04 AM	46. Ooops! 47. Errrrr... Ummmm... You do what? <insert mumble from player> Ok... errrr... why don't you guys take five while the DM goes out for a smoke break - aka congratulations you've stumped the DM.
Evil DM Mk3 06-17-07, 11:11 AM	Yes, and? DEAD people do not LIVE.
Prince_of_Parkness 06-17-07, 12:46 PM	46. Ooops! 47. Errrrr... Ummmm... You do what? <insert mumble from player> Ok... errrr... why don't you guys take five while the DM goes out for a smoke break - aka congratulations you've stumped the DM. DM's can make a mistake ocasionally, its better than them making up something on the spot. Though it is better for them to admit it. My contribution: 48. Its a special wolf (my DM explanation for why it was unharmed by a 6th level mages fireball 49. (We are one a 10 by 10 meter island) Suddenly 40 werewolves burst out of the house surrounding you 50. He doesnt understand you (a human in a shop in a large town didn't speak common)
Zaver 06-17-07, 01:03 PM	51) We're going to use the double 20 instant kill rule.
NPC_Tyler 06-17-07, 01:07 PM	52. You guys find some magic items, I don't care what you can choose.
AffableDoomwalker 06-17-07, 01:25 PM	DEAD people do not LIVE. Though a PC may be dead, the Player yet lives. "You/Your PC died, live with it." makes sense to me.
Zaver 06-17-07, 01:38 PM	Though a PC may be dead, the Player yet lives. "You/Your PC died, live with it." makes sense to me. That's true, but it's one of those oxymoronic things that just sounds funny.
Karish 06-17-07, 02:12 PM	Though a PC may be dead, the Player yet lives. "You/Your PC died, live with it." makes sense to me. So I'm guessing your WIS score was high enough to kill your sense of humor?
AffableDoomwalker 06-17-07, 04:03 PM	So I'm guessing your WIS score was high enough to kill your sense of humor? Any semblance of humanity I had died the first time I went to /b/. That includes what you'd likely consider "humor." Edit: also, look at the very first line of text in my signature. It might clue you in to how I deal with serious internets business.
AffableDoomwalker 06-17-07, 04:07 PM	Moving on... 52. Woah, wait... Water Genasi can do what? four levels into a game where he allowed a water genasi... lulz and underwater camping ensued
TheCrawlingSpleen 06-18-07, 02:15 AM	45) Roll a Spotcraft! You have got to be kidding.
Salla 06-18-07, 02:51 AM	53. "No, your character doesn't do that, because (race)s don't act like that."
draco1119 06-18-07, 03:15 AM	You have got to be kidding. Nope. Happened a couple days ago. Made us all laugh, including him. Just one of those inane tricks of the tongue. He knows better.
Evil DM Mk3 06-18-07, 03:25 AM	54: (In responce to an in character question) Um, er, ... ... (20 mins later) er. (OK so that is more silly things NOT said by DMs)
zerotkatama 06-18-07, 03:53 AM	55: (Said by me, about a beetle swarm) It feasts on your flesh... lightly.
Class_A_Infidel 06-18-07, 09:37 AM	55: (Said by me, about a beetle swarm) It feasts on your flesh... lightly. How is that -POSSIBLE-?
geekling 06-18-07, 10:01 AM	How is that -POSSIBLE-? They brought low-cal mayo, to go with the poached (not fried) PC?
Evil DM Mk3 06-18-07, 10:40 AM	I have seen this on a sig somewhere and I assume that it is genuine. 56: The zombie attacks (rolls natural 1) and impails itself on your halberd (rolls minimum damadge on zomibe) gently. This leads on to the next one 57: I am hoing to use fumble rules.
zerotkatama 06-18-07, 02:00 PM	How is that -POSSIBLE-? That would be because I began to describe it before I rolled damage, and rolled a 1 on the swarm damage.
Nehek 06-18-07, 02:30 PM	LVIII: "What? You're dead already?"(Me) LIX: "Um, you see someone used disable device on your rope"(Me)
darkdrgon2136 06-18-07, 02:55 PM	60) i dont care how your other campaighns(sp?) worked, no in charecter talking
Pangeon 06-18-07, 03:29 PM	61. It's my job as the DM to kill you all. It's your job as the players to try and survive. (To which I responded: "Hey, I maxed out Survival!") (I really did, though. I was playing a druid who not only survived two near TPKs, but I didn't take damage once. :P )
Ack 06-18-07, 03:44 PM	62: (In GURPS; you can strike to disable a foe's limbs) "He just disabled your head."
Evil DM Mk3 06-18-07, 03:47 PM	61. It's my job as the DM to kill you all. It's your job as the players to try and survive. (To which I responded: "Hey, I maxed out Survival!") (I really did, though. I was playing a druid who not only survived two near TPKs, but I didn't take damage once. :P ) So long as he takes the proper sporting stance this can be a very good way of DMing.
Class_A_Infidel 06-18-07, 04:17 PM	61. It's my job as the DM to kill you all. It's your job as the players to try and survive. (To which I responded: "Hey, I maxed out Survival!") (I really did, though. I was playing a druid who not only survived two near TPKs, but I didn't take damage once. :P ) Your DM wasn't Gary Gygax, was he?
Evil DM Mk3 06-18-07, 05:22 PM	63) Dwarves practice castration at birth. (He ment circumcision, using the whole real life culture -> fantasy culture bit and making dwarves Jewish in all but name. As many fans of Discworld have pointed out it works quite well, allthough he did a much more blantant job of it than PTerry.)
Eshenaleros 06-18-07, 05:36 PM	64) the lizard jumps on your face and turns into tiamet (seriously)
Father Dale 06-18-07, 06:12 PM	65) Roll a Knowledge (Intelligence) check. 66) You come to a door. The door is locked and trapped. ... um, wait a second... 67) "I'm thinking of banning Mass Resist Energy. It makes things too easy for you." (shortly after an encounter in which 3 out of 6 PCs were killed and a fourth was dominated...in the first round)
KedynCrow 06-18-07, 06:13 PM	68: *upon the request of a PC to Sunder, Trip, Grapple, or do just about anything other than attack or retreat* "You do the what now?..." 69: "I don't care how high your BAB is, you don't hit on a two...ever." (10th level warrior with buffs against unarmed, unadvanced Skeleton. Madness ensues.)
Iczer 06-19-07, 04:04 AM	23) "No, your stonecunning will not detect the giant centipede on the roof of the cave. It's camouflaged as rock, not disguised as stone." A valid, and core mechanics point to be sure. but let us just say a dwarf with single digit search bonuses cannot detect a creature with a hide result of 31. 24) "The stone blocks falling from the stone ceiling do not count as a stonework trap because the trap was triggered by failing to pick a lock." apart from the DC of a trap being above 20, and your dwarf has no rogue levels, the search DC was over 25. More than enought to ensure your failure 25) "Next you'll be claiming your stonecunning will be able to detect an assassin named Stone!" let us be fair. you are the player voted most likely to pull that stunt. 26) "No, I'm not nerfing stonecunning. It just doesn't work in those situations." Once again, hard to argue with man with a useless ability and a big mouth. The situations in question seeming to be A) You don't roll secret checks. I do. B) Non rogues don't find traps with DC's over 20 C) Lastly, a pitiful skill mostly defaulting on your wis score rarely succeeds. Rumours of your Maturity have been exagerated Alan.
Iczer 06-19-07, 04:07 AM	Yeah, and the GM doesn't. Refer to above. The GM doesn't like being misquoted, nor taken out of context, when I guess you presume I don't read these boards. Low even for you man.
Evil DM Mk3 06-19-07, 04:16 AM	All fine and dandy exeptB) Non rogues don't find traps with DC's over 20 Dwarves can if they are stonework (a colapsing ceiling part is, no question). Also regardless of the bonus I assume you agree that he should have had the check to notice the giant caterpillar IF his bonus was high enough to stand a chance?
Iczer 06-19-07, 06:42 AM	All fine and dandy exept Dwarves can if they are stonework (a colapsing ceiling part is, no question). Also regardless of the bonus I assume you agree that he should have had the check to notice the giant caterpillar IF his bonus was high enough to stand a chance? It wasn't. I gave him an opposed spot check and rolled a search check for him. I Always roll his search check for him. The creatures in question had a bonus to hide checks by appearing as stone, and from the low light conditions. I think His problem in that scenario has been that he didn't get to negate their disguise bonus, just the darkness bonus. Thier hide rolls were good. far better than his spot or search skills would warrant. which is really the point. He can't realisticlly make a lot of search checks due to his very average bonuses. we can be fair though. Search isn't a class skill for the dwarven paragon. But Just becuase he calls foul every time he fails a check doesn't mean it's unfair, or even stupid. More to the point, The quotes he's using come from a phone conversation several days later, during my otherwise romantic night in, and not from the actual game table. In short, I've been GMing as long as he has been playing. I make mistakes just like anyone. His inability to make secret checks isn't one of mine.
Evil DM Mk3 06-19-07, 06:50 AM	It wasn't. I gave him an opposed spot check and rolled a search check for him. I Always roll his search check for him.Then all is good. The creatures in question had a bonus to hide checks by appearing as stone, and from the low light conditions. I think His problem in that scenario has been that he didn't get to negate their disguise bonus, just the darkness bonus. Thier hide rolls were good. far better than his spot or search skills would warrant. which is really the point. He can't realisticlly make a lot of search checks due to his very average bonuses. You are being generous here as stone cunning grants a +2 bonus, not a negation of their bonuses. we can be fair though. Search isn't a class skill for the dwarven paragon. But Just becuase he calls foul every time he fails a check doesn't mean it's unfair, or even stupid. More to the point, The quotes he's using come from a phone conversation several days later, during my otherwise romantic night in, and not from the actual game table. You have to admit they are in the realms of "stuipd things said by DMs" even if there is a reason for them. The lack of context is what does it but as snippets they are funny. In short, I've been GMing as long as he has been playing. I make mistakes just like anyone. His inability to make secret checks isn't one of mine. As have I and as do I. If he goes on griping I sugest you remind him that DMing is a LOT harder and more time consuming than playing.
snakeman830 06-19-07, 12:13 PM	Sooo, what number were we on? Oh yeah. 70. There is no way on earth you are going to survive this. The save DC is just too high for you. *rolls a natural 20* 71. Okay, there's no way I'm going to survive this. #71 was right after#70. I don't think exact context is important. 72. *upon seeing the rogue's search result* Well, you find the trap... Make a fortitude save. 73. You failed to hear the roaring of the dragon over the sneaking rogue.
Majick 06-19-07, 01:00 PM	74. So it turns out that kindly old gnome you guys were working for was Vecna... :weep: 75. (under the largest mountain on the planet) the pillar has 10,000 variation of Rune Word: Earthquake... you should probably make a note of that :( 76. You put the artifact of infinite magical potency into a device that consumes magic for a fuel source?... hmm... *KA-BOOM* Make reflex saves versus Nuke :confused: 77. (said to a goodly half-dragon) Bahamut greets you kindly... yes i said Bahamut... :rolleyes: 78. The dragon drops you from 3 miles up... what?... no you don't get to make a fortitude save!... what? 36d6 is maximum for falling damage you say? Well, i guess no one could survive that anyway, but hypothetically, let's just see - (proceeded to watch in abject horror as i rolled the most 1's and 2's i have ever seen in my life, and though i ruled he did infact die, the Half-Orc Barbarian could have technically survived the fall) :eek: 79. Make fortitude save versus sexual exaustion... hmm? Yes, you can die from con damage from this... :D 80. Roll a d100 to see if you concieve... how many times? Oh, well, roll 6d100 then (she then somehow managed to roll 3 natural 100's - CRITICAL CONCEPTION!) ;)
Ack 06-19-07, 02:15 PM	Okay, to prevent the 'stonecunning/GM' problem from disrupting this thread any farther, I'm taking it here (http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=854420).
Pyro_Azer 06-19-07, 05:00 PM	81) I've made up my own races shortly follwed by: 82) I've made up my own classes 83) You can't have more than 100pp... no just you...yess this doesn't apply to the other party members 84) no it doesn't apply to other craftsmen, just you 85) No, wait! My campaign will get better!
TheCrawlingSpleen 06-20-07, 12:45 AM	86. "You see a door." My youngest brother, describing the town we were in. I never criticize him about this, as he was pretty little at the time, but I figured the major qualification of these lines is humor value, and we all laughed at that one.
strike277 06-21-07, 10:47 PM	69: "I don't care how high your BAB is, you don't hit on a two...ever." (10th level warrior with buffs against unarmed, unadvanced Skeleton. Madness ensues.) !! Ummm, I'd love to hear the resolution to that one.
Pentavite 06-27-07, 03:00 AM	#87: (We sent our NPC companion to collect a quest reward) Okay guys, she decided to not accept the reward. "It wouldn't be right of us to take money for a deed well done!" I then sneaked back to our quest giver, killed her, and looted her body. Seriously though: don't mess with PCs when it comes to loot.
DX2052 06-27-07, 03:28 AM	88:You roll a 1, you fail. How many times do I need to tell people, I have checked the rules many a time and natural 1=fail natural 20=sucess is ONLY on attack rolls and saving throws, it doesn't apply to any other roll, inculdeing but not limited to skill checks (UMD is the exception).
navar100 06-27-07, 04:25 AM	88:You roll a 1, you fail. How many times do I need to tell people, I have checked the rules many a time and natural 1=fail natural 20=sucess is ONLY on attack rolls and saving throws, it doesn't apply to any other roll, inculdeing but not limited to skill checks. In my group, it's one particular player who keeps forgetting this.
dknight100 06-27-07, 06:19 AM	80. Roll a d100 to see if you concieve... how many times? Oh, well, roll 6d100 then (she then somehow managed to roll 3 natural 100's - CRITICAL CONCEPTION!) ;) Does anyone picture the stereotypical adventurer woman (that is to say, platemail clad) red in the face, straining really hard, then launching a newborn kid across the room?
DonThelonious 06-27-07, 08:58 AM	dknight- you have a twisted imagination. I never want to picture that again... :nonono: Oh and yes, the picture is funny.:rofl:
PhantomTrain 06-27-07, 10:39 AM	89) In a mass battle at the height of a wartime campaign (which I was participating despite the fact that my girlfriend reminded me that she didn't have work in the morning, but that she wanted to 'go to bed early' anyway. Yes, I know, I know, but it was the last session.) PC (me): Alright, let's start this right. I lob a fireball at the sorceress, counting on my fellow PCs to protect me from her men. ::Rolls damage:: 45 damage. GM: Um, ok. ::Makes a brief note:: That leaves her at...::pales slightly:: She levels a finger at you, and you can feel her willing your soul to leave your body. Make a fort save. Me: ::rolls:: Twenty. GM: Total? ::Hope bright in his voice:: Me: No, natural. ::Showing the dice to the players to my left and right:: GM: Um, ok, what's your next move? Me: How did she react to the fireball? GM: You can tell it hurt her, but not how badly. She's far off. Me: But I can still see her, right? GM: Yes... Me: Okay. Sudden Maximized, Sudden Empowered fireball on her position. GM: Okay, wait, what? How much damage is that? Me: 100 exactly (thanks to my Warmage Edge). 50 if she makes the DC 20 Reflex save. GM: ...:: Picks up his dice to roll the save. We watch as notions of his BBEG vaporizing in the second round of combat dance through his mind:: "...I mean, you can't see her. She's far off. Yeah, you can't hit with that." ::At this point everyone in the room blinks a few times, looks at me, looks at the GM, and then looks back at me:: Me (to the other PCs): I'm going to go sleep with my girlfriend. You kids wrap up this campaign for me, ok?
Sajek 06-27-07, 11:19 AM	Does anyone picture the stereotypical adventurer woman (that is to say, platemail clad) red in the face, straining really hard, then launching a newborn kid across the room? Kinda reminds me of that old Xbox commercial (http://youtube.com/watch?v=OT_1F3FpqTM). (Warning: extreme silliness ahead).
philipk 06-27-07, 11:24 AM	89) In a mass battle at the height of a wartime campaign (which I was participating despite the fact that my girlfriend reminded me that she didn't have work in the morning, but that she wanted to 'go to bed early' anyway. Yes, I know, I know, but it was the last session.) PC (me): Alright, let's start this right. I lob a fireball at the sorceress, counting on my fellow PCs to protect me from her men. ::Rolls damage:: 45 damage. GM: Um, ok. ::Makes a brief note:: That leaves her at...::pales slightly:: She levels a finger at you, and you can feel her willing your soul to leave your body. Make a fort save. Me: ::rolls:: Twenty. GM: Total? ::Hope bright in his voice:: Me: No, natural. ::Showing the dice to the players to my left and right:: GM: Um, ok, what's your next move? Me: How did she react to the fireball? GM: You can tell it hurt her, but not how badly. She's far off. Me: But I can still see her, right? GM: Yes... Me: Okay. Sudden Maximized, Sudden Empowered fireball on her position. GM: Okay, wait, what? How much damage is that? Me: 100 exactly (thanks to my Warmage Edge). 50 if she makes the DC 20 Reflex save. GM: ...:: Picks up his dice to roll the save. We watch as notions of his BBEG vaporizing in the second round of combat dance through his mind:: "...I mean, you can't see her. She's far off. Yeah, you can't hit with that." ::At this point everyone in the room blinks a few times, looks at me, looks at the GM, and then looks back at me:: Me (to the other PCs): I'm going to go sleep with my girlfriend. You kids wrap up this campaign for me, ok? Technically empowered and maximized don't stack so it's normal damage maxed + half rolled. 90) *Marit is a ex-party member gone bad* Marit levels her fingers at you two and *rolls lots of d6s* 22 damage to the warmage and 20 to the beguiler....wait...you're at -13? This was the second round of the fight...twined scorching ray=ouch. Not to mention the beguiler missed his turn because I forgot he went before Marit...
Bhaelfur 06-27-07, 06:15 PM	91: You come to a city. The walls are miles thick and miles high. It takes a half a day to go through a tunnel in the wall to the city. 92: He graples you. (He mispronounced "grapple" as "graple", such as it was said as grape+ell.) 93: While hiding under a bed, you find 50,000 gold pieces. 94: If you do this quest for us, we will give you one billion pounds of gold pieces. (Actually, it might have been 100 billion gold pieces...) 95: You pick up a cloak. It's a cloak of eyes. (Said while we were within the first room of the whole campaign, we were maybe third level.) 96: DM: You see a man, he starts to attack you. PC: Ok, we attack back. DM: He casts meteor swarm. PC: Oh great, we're only third level. We're all dead. DM: Nope, you're all in Hell now, and Asmodius stands before you. Paladin PC: I try to attack him. DM: You hit him, nothing happens. He dosn't react to you. DM as Asmodius: I am Asmodius, I know all! You must go to an unknown place and stop the tenth layer of Hell from opening up. PC: You know all, so where is it? DM: I... don't know. PC: Oh, so the All-Knowing-Asmodius doesn't know all! DM: Yes I do! PC: Then where is it? DM: Over there somewhere... I swear, this actually happened. 97: DM: Hang on... (Calculates how much damage we've done to an enemy in his head.) Ok, your turn. PC: We've done over 100 damage. DM: What? Oh, he's dead, then. PC: That's why you write things down. DM: That's a good idea! The DM was the same guy in all cases. Needless to say, we didn't play his campaigns long.
mobius2702 06-27-07, 06:50 PM	98) Player: How many are there? DM: 4 or 5 Player: Well I count them. Do I stop counting at four? Conversation took place outside, broad daylight, and it was "4 or 5". Heh. 99) DM: You hear nothing out of the ordinary. In a dungeon, what constitutes "ordinary" sounds?
Bernat 06-27-07, 09:55 PM	100: Player 1 and Player 2 are still new to the game. Player 3 knows very well every pictured creature in the MM, along with stats for all creatures in the book. Instead of showing the picture to them, I just read the description so that Player 3, who failed his knowledge check, didn't know of the ogre mage's weaknesses. DM: You enter the room and see a large creature that resembles a fiendish humanoid. It has a green skin, dark hair, and a couple of small horns in its front. Its eyes are dark with shinny white pupils, and its teeth and claws, of black jet. Player 1, 2, 3: ... Player 1: Can I see it? DM: Yes (shows picture to Player 1 and Player 2). Player 3: What does it look like? Player 1: It's like a big orc with a greatsword. Player 3: Oh, an ogre mage. DM: (to himself) *pitch*
Xavon 06-27-07, 10:01 PM	88:You roll a 1, you fail. How many times do I need to tell people, I have checked the rules many a time and natural 1=fail natural 20=sucess is ONLY on attack rolls and saving throws, it doesn't apply to any other roll, inculdeing but not limited to skill checks (UMD is the exception). Really, because in most campaigns I play in and tun, it is a house rule, and I've never complained or had a complaint. Of course if your DM does not lay out/confirm the house rules with you before hand, that's a horse of a different color.
Archangel62 06-27-07, 11:23 PM	96: DM: You see a man, he starts to attack you. PC: Ok, we attack back. DM: He casts meteor swarm. PC: Oh great, we're only third level. We're all dead. DM: Nope, you're all in Hell now, and Asmodius stands before you. Paladin PC: I try to attack him. DM: You hit him, nothing happens. He dosn't react to you. DM as Asmodius: I am Asmodius, I know all! You must go to an unknown place and stop the tenth layer of Hell from opening up. PC: You know all, so where is it? DM: I... don't know. PC: Oh, so the All-Knowing-Asmodius doesn't know all! DM: Yes I do! PC: Then where is it? DM: Over there somewhere... As George Carlin said, "My fear isn't that all hell will break loose, my fear is that a little part of it will break loose and be that much harder to detect." Apparently so much so that not even Asmodeus had any idea as to where the damn thing was.
azoth72 06-28-07, 01:05 AM	101: DM: Your character is overpowered, so... (some freak accident is listed) and you have to reincarnate into something else. Player: :weep:
Zaver 06-28-07, 01:27 AM	101: DM: Your character is overpowered, so... (some freak accident is listed) and you have to reincarnate into something else. Player: :weep: That's when you scream, "You're overpowered!" and hit him with something. Like a car.
Evil DM Mk3 06-28-07, 02:37 AM	Really, because in most campaigns I play in and tun, it is a house rule, and I've never complained or had a complaint. Of course if your DM does not lay out/confirm the house rules with you before hand, that's a horse of a different color. It one of the dumbest house rules out there, especialy for skill checks. EXAMPLE: PC:I am a mighty and nigh all-powerful Epic Wizard/Archmage. PC2:I put a rank in spellcraft on my rogue for giggles. DM:Make a spellcraft check you guys. PC:1+47=48! But with a natural one. PC2:15+4=19. DM:The rogue identifies the ray of frost. Archmage, you have no idea what is going on. And what about opposed rolls?!?!? So much so that: 102: I am imposing the natural 1 natural 20 rule on skill checks.
Eater_Of_Souls 06-28-07, 07:23 AM	"Hey don't be so mean to my NPC's !" :D
Tusalu 06-28-07, 07:33 AM	53. "No, your character doesn't do that, because (race)s don't act like that." Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear oh dear. I know that all too well.:(
Jager Mage 06-28-07, 10:28 AM	(me before starting the Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil module, and immediately after Weapons of Legacy came out. DMing for a group of 7) 103. GUYS! I just finished reading Weapons of Legacy, and I really like it! But since none of you are really playing anything that works with the established weapons, I'm going to let you design your own. From the beginning. 104. (same game) Hey! Did you know that there's a Legacy Weapon ability that makes it to where you CAN'T be caught flat-footed?
Adrez Nesnsid 06-30-07, 09:46 PM	53. "No, your character doesn't do that, because (race)s don't act like that." I just hope that it wasn't an all human campaign......
Salla 06-30-07, 09:57 PM	I just hope that it wasn't an all human campaign...... Among the four present players (myself included) over the years since 3rd Edition came out ... I can think of perhaps 5 human PCs amongst us. We almost never play humans.
KhosatralKhel 06-30-07, 10:42 PM	Myself (DM) supplying the dialogue to two characters who had been webbed by a spider and Strength scores reduced to 0. 103: "Tell me more of this man Houdini."
Saberus 06-30-07, 11:14 PM	104: DM: why did you just use Prestidigitation to coat my orc in BBQ sauce? since this is too obvious, no cookie for reference.
NightHawkFalconis 07-01-07, 02:22 AM	105) DM: You can play any class but clerics. Only NPCs can be clerics. Players: Uh, why? 106) DM: Because it's interesting! 107) (we were... level 9 at this point) DM: You make your way through the city. It's made of steel, all shiny and pretty. You ride a circular platform to the top of the tower, where you are greeted by the four most powerful characters in all creation. OOG: They're like, level 40, a monk, fighter, wizard, and cleric. IG: They tell you that your help is needed in order to fight against the plague of mildly annoying, cockroach-like constructs that are infesting the multiverse. Our weapons, because they are all brilliant energy weapons, cannot harm them. Oh, woe is us! Me (OOC): Um, doesn't the entry for the brilliant energy weapons state that you have to have a steel weapon to be transformed into energy first? I'm sure they've got a few lying around somewhere that they can use. DM: Um... (IG): We don't have the necessary training to use weapons that aren't brilliant energy! Another Player: Um, so they're too stupid to pick up a club and beat these things senseless? I mean, our monk over here has been pummeling them with his fists pretty good. DM: ... Uh, (IG): We don't have the technology to make steel weapons! OoooOOoo! Me: Point of interest, we just flew in here in a SPACESHIP in what was formerly a medieval D&D game. We walked through their obviously high-tech city, rode an elevator to the top of this tower, and they can't make anything more dangerous than a spoon? DM: ... Well... (IG): We don't have enough steel to make weapons with! Me: Another point of interest, we're in a STEEL city after flying in on a STEEL spaceship. I'm sure they've got enough of the stuff, and more to spare. DM: Gah... (IG): We don't have the strength to wield steel weapons! Another player: (wobbling about) Oh, no, I can't lift my wine glass! Somebody spare me this humiliation! Oh, woe is us! DM: :waits: :mad: The DM decided to end the campaign because we were kind of poking holes in it so much so that it was left nothing but a tattered rag. I don't know how bad I feel. Probably not bad at all :D
Salla 07-01-07, 02:33 AM	The DM decided to end the campaign because we were kind of poking holes in it so much so that it was left nothing but a tattered rag. I don't know how bad I feel. Probably not bad at all :D Sadly, a great many DMs never put their plotlines under the microscope and look for plot holes. :)
Ack 07-01-07, 10:29 AM	I will cheerfully poke large holes in plots if the opportunity exists; this is intended to save my character from a horrible contradiction-caused death later.
Gleepwurp 07-01-07, 10:49 AM	108) DM "No, you don't find the secret door... doh!"
JadeSpider9643 07-01-07, 12:55 PM	109) *after a 5hr session in consisting entirely of an apparently all knowing BBEG turning the party aganist me based on an OOC joke and ending with a kobayashi maru scenario which railroaded my character into a no-save no-rez disentigrate* "wasn't that more fun than just having the BBEG kill him directly?" :uh-huh: :headexplo :censored: :banghead: :censored: :headexplo
Saberus 07-01-07, 03:07 PM	Sadly, a great many DMs never put their plotlines under the microscope and look for plot holes. :) well one did not need a microscope to find those holes, you could see them w/ a telescope on Mars! why couldn't the monk just drop his kama and just Bruce Lee those bugs?
Thegans 07-01-07, 03:16 PM	105) DM: You can play any class but clerics. Only NPCs can be clerics. Players: Uh, why? 106) DM: Because it's interesting! 107) (we were... level 9 at this point) DM: You make your way through the city. It's made of steel, all shiny and pretty. You ride a circular platform to the top of the tower, where you are greeted by the four most powerful characters in all creation. OOG: They're like, level 40, a monk, fighter, wizard, and cleric. IG: They tell you that your help is needed in order to fight against the plague of mildly annoying, cockroach-like constructs that are infesting the multiverse. Our weapons, because they are all brilliant energy weapons, cannot harm them. Oh, woe is us! Me (OOC): Um, doesn't the entry for the brilliant energy weapons state that you have to have a steel weapon to be transformed into energy first? I'm sure they've got a few lying around somewhere that they can use. DM: Um... (IG): We don't have the necessary training to use weapons that aren't brilliant energy! Another Player: Um, so they're too stupid to pick up a club and beat these things senseless? I mean, our monk over here has been pummeling them with his fists pretty good. DM: ... Uh, (IG): We don't have the technology to make steel weapons! OoooOOoo! Me: Point of interest, we just flew in here in a SPACESHIP in what was formerly a medieval D&D game. We walked through their obviously high-tech city, rode an elevator to the top of this tower, and they can't make anything more dangerous than a spoon? DM: ... Well... (IG): We don't have enough steel to make weapons with! Me: Another point of interest, we're in a STEEL city after flying in on a STEEL spaceship. I'm sure they've got enough of the stuff, and more to spare. DM: Gah... (IG): We don't have the strength to wield steel weapons! Another player: (wobbling about) Oh, no, I can't lift my wine glass! Somebody spare me this humiliation! Oh, woe is us! DM: :waits: :mad: The DM decided to end the campaign because we were kind of poking holes in it so much so that it was left nothing but a tattered rag. I don't know how bad I feel. Probably not bad at all :D That was the best explaination he could come up with. I could think of at least seven better explainations 1. They have to stay in the city incase the creatures get past you because all of the other citizens are pacifists. 2. The city is actually floating and the wizard and cleric are using a joint arcane and divine spell channeled through the fighter and the monk and if any of them leave the city the spell will stop working and it will fall. 3. There all lawful and they made an agreement with the gods of law that they would never fight anything with a challange rating lowr than thirty three ever again. 4. They are really old and they want your characters to do it because despite being able to obliterate all of the monsters they want to make sure that the multiverse can still survive on its own like if did before they were born. 5. "We don't feel like it." 6. They took the exhaulted feat that makes it that they can not kill. 7. Pun Pun said that if they enter the war he will enter the war on the side of the constructs because he is angry that there claiming that there the ost powerful when he could kill them with a letter.
Zaver 07-01-07, 04:57 PM	4. They are really old and they want your characters to do it because despite being able to obliterate all of the monsters they want to make sure that the multiverse can still survive on its own like if did before they were born. I don't see why that doesn't get more play. It's so easy to even just have them turn around and say this entire situation has come about because of their constant meddeling and doing more of the same isn't like to help.
Thegans 07-01-07, 05:24 PM	I don't see why that doesn't get more play. It's so easy to even just have them turn around and say this entire situation has come about because of their constant meddeling and doing more of the same isn't like to help. Probably because most people probably don't think about that possibility. I mean take Harry Potter for example. Dumbledore was probably powerful enough to kill Voldemort but even if Snape did not kill him his life probably only had a few more years left anyway. If Dumbledore decided to hunt down Voldemort before his death and somehow succeded that would simply mean that no one will be ready when the next threat shows up. I mean sure in DnD there is that feat to extend your life span but unless there gods there probably not immortal. If they were gods then they could simply say that if they interviene directly another stronger god will oppose them.
Miodrag 07-01-07, 07:28 PM	110)DM: You see an old man with a staff in one hand and two rings on the other. (later) The gold dragon (which burst through the roof (level 1 adventure)) bites his hand off and he no longer has his staff. (later, after the evil wizard teleported away) Me: I take his hand (which lay severed on the floor) and throw it into the lava. DM: OK *smiles*, you throw away the hand with the two, probably magic, ring. Me: Wait, you said the hand with no rings was severed (he was using miniatures and it was clear which hand was bitten off). DM: No, I didn't. Me: Well, I'm not insane to throw away the rings. I take them off first. DM: Too late, you threw them away. Me: But... DM: You threw them away. 111) (Different DM. After fighting a random encounter that almost killed us (two Ogres against 3x 3rd-level PCs (though one Ogre had 50% health))). DM: OK, you two are completely wet because of the rain, and you can't start a fire, and there's a real cold breeze... *grins* Me: Oh, PLEASE. Don't tell me we need to make a Fortitude save to avoid catching a cold. But you're right, we should, since playing DnD is ALL about realism. Why don't we also mention when we go to the bathroom, so our guts don't explode? Oh, and did I wash my teeth this morning? That's a -2 circumstance bonus on all Diplomacy checks. Oh, and Mr. Sorcerer, you can't use your arcana, it's not real... Give me a break... DM: Make a Fortitude save. Me: *makes it* Sorcerer: *Didn't make it.* DM: *states the penalties for having a cold*
calronmoonflower 07-01-07, 08:03 PM	One I've seen on the boards allot. paraphrased of course. 112). You don't have to do anything evil to be of an evil alignment. Instead the monster was born evil.
rkun 07-01-07, 08:19 PM	from star wars not DnD but still... 114) GM- yeah, but realistically a light saber would cauterize the wound. player- um, did you just use the words "realistically" and "light saber" ?
rkun 07-01-07, 08:34 PM	*at the start of a batle against a monster the DM made with no stats of any kind* 115) psion player- is it sentient? DM- no. ...i mean it can think like a person but its more like a construct.
dknight100 07-01-07, 09:55 PM	One I've seen on the boards allot. paraphrased of course. 112). You don't have to do anything evil to be of an evil alignment. Instead the monster was born evil. Claron, this thread is funniest thing said by DMs, not funniest things written by WotC
calronmoonflower 07-01-07, 10:42 PM	Claron, this thread is funniest thing said by DMs, not funniest things written by WotC 1. Got my name wrong. 2. Misread the thread title.
dknight100 07-01-07, 11:28 PM	oh dear, mispelling a name and thread title totally invalidates it.
calronmoonflower 07-02-07, 12:15 AM	oh dear, mispelling a name and thread title totally invalidates it. 1. You didn't misspell the thread title, you got it totally wrong. 2. If you repeat, that means you said it as well.
Gleepwurp 07-02-07, 01:35 AM	Originally Posted by calronmoonflower... One I've seen on the boards allot. paraphrased of course. 112). You don't have to do anything evil to be of an evil alignment. Instead the monster was born evil. Claron, this thread is funniest thing said by DMs, not funniest things written by WotC Was it WotC that wrote that originally? I could have swore it was Jack Chick.
Ack 07-02-07, 02:04 AM	Take anything that Jack Chick has ever said about D&D. Reverse it. It's probably true now.
Zaver 07-02-07, 12:28 PM	Take anything that Jack Chick has ever said about D&D. Reverse it. It's probably true now. No dude, I hung my self when my character died but then my ghost true resed me so it's all good untill the devil gets my soul but I'm gonna become a lich soon so jokes on him.