Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Dravda 03-15-08, 03:22 PM	They always do it...the villain finally shows himself, and goes into a big long monologue about his evil plot and how utterly defeated you are. So let's hear some suggestions for using this time well, from turning the fight against him to simply ruining his moment. 1) Chew him out for interrupting your "me" time. (That was sent to me by Dragoncat: sorry for stealing it, but it was too cool not to post.) 2) The middle of the monologue makes a GREAT surprise round. 3) Yawn and say, "Woah, what happened? Sorry guys, I dozed off there." 4) Purchase a water clock. While he's speaking, set it up and check it every few sentences or so, acting extremely bored. 5) Start playing with Prestidigitation during his speech. Can't wait to hear the rest! -Count Dravda
fighter_mcwarrior 03-15-08, 04:08 PM	6) Cast Stone Shape on your familiar and use it to open a hole in the floor beneath the BBEG's feet.
DrMorganes 03-15-08, 04:12 PM	Play rock-paper-scissors with the closest mook. Winner gets first pick from the treasure pile after the party defeats the BBEG.
Sunic_Flames 03-15-08, 05:51 PM	Cast Mage Hand on his belt buckle.
Half_Dragon_Infernal 03-15-08, 05:57 PM	9) Using Shatter on the BBEG's clothes 10) Creating illusions of the BBEG naked or naked people of the opposite gender.
icuall 03-15-08, 06:37 PM	11) Pull out your nail file, and start filing waiting for him to stop. 12) Check the sharpness of your sword with your thumb...flicking it crosswise up and down the blade. 13) Just nod up and down as if listening intensely and with pursed lips.... with just right amount of mocking.
james_gaines 03-15-08, 06:49 PM	14) Say, "If I wanted to spend thirty minutes hearing about how inferior I am, I'd just talk to the elf," and walk off. 15) Have the rogue sneak around back and start mimicking the BBEG.
Roivas 03-15-08, 07:19 PM	16. Ask the GM what the CR on boredom is. 17. Interrupt about 5 seconds in and ask if you can go to the bathroom before he gets going, in character. 18. Ask if you have time to make popcorn. 19. Pull out your glass eye and rub the back of it to distract the villain. 20. Explosive flatulence.
Half_Dragon_Infernal 03-15-08, 08:08 PM	20. Explosive flatulence. A Rear-ended Fireball? OR stinking cloud?
rickvoid 03-15-08, 08:35 PM	21. Sunder. 22. Silence. 23. Time Stop. Plane Shift. Whistle a jaunty tune. 24. Improved Invisibility. Pants the BBEG. Laugh. This message brought to you by the Happy Mage Foundation.
Ecalsneerg 03-15-08, 09:15 PM	5) Start playing with Prestidigitation during his speech. NOOOOOOOOO! I THOUGHT IT UPON SEEING THE TITLE! 25) Get the Bard to play a song, and have a good ho-down. 26) Enjoy a cardboard-tasting, but fast, McHero's Feast
Elsydeon 03-15-08, 11:09 PM	27) Make sure the rogue entered the room/area hidden or invisible, and have him nick all the treasure before the fight starts. Bonus points for pickpocketing the BBEG mid-speech. 28) If the exposition begins while you're riding up on horseback don't slow down. I've stunned 2 DMs by jumping off my charging warhorse instead of stopping first. Knocked one of those BBEGs off the cliff to his death. 29) Similar to steal the loot, have the rogue setting up simple traps behind BBEG. Bullrush when ready. 30) Start giving your own speech as soon as he starts giving his. If he stops talking you stop. If he starts you start. Frustrates the DM since nobody can figure out what either of you is saying. Entertains the players.
CrazyGuy 03-15-08, 11:27 PM	Since people have already covered most of the practical things, I suppose that leaves me with the funny. 31: Cast Haste so he will hurry the hell up. 32: Cast Slow for that comical voice effect. 33: Heck, this is probably why Sculpt Sound was invented. 34: Heckle him. 35: Ask a party member to "Wake me when he's done", and take a nap. 36: (For slow or long-winded speakers) Start a game of speed Chess. 37: (For real slow or long-winded speakers) Play a round of Three-Dragon Ante with his bodyguards. 38: (For speakers who are slower still) Start a game of regular Chess. 39: For extra laughs, do 37 with a Deck of Many Things. 40: Buff spells.
GroundZero0523 03-15-08, 11:30 PM	41: Wait until he gets to the point where the words become long and drawn-out, and convince your Gnome Rouge that it'll be funny if he managed to bullseye the peanuts from your trailmix right down the BBEG's throat...
chocolate_jesus 03-16-08, 12:36 AM	42: Cast timestop, summon the biggest, ugliest thing you can directly in front of the BBEG, and have your camera ready when the timestop ends. Its both practical and hilarious!
Shaggy_Shaggs 03-16-08, 12:47 AM	+1, I wasn't paying attention) Ask him tough questions about regional politics. If he's answering too easily, mix in embarassing revelations about his past behaviour (whether or not these revelations are true). +2) Wait for him to finish, then say "Wait, what? I wasn't paying attention, could you repeat that?" +3) "Hey sweet thing, what say we chase off these adventurers and then you and me get close and get comfortable?" (especially effective if it's something nobody in their right mind would hit on, and even more so if you intend to follow through)
Roac 03-16-08, 01:07 AM	46. (I know everyones thought it) sneak attack! 47. Ask your axe weilding party member to coup de grace you so you won't have to listen to him anymore (usually ends in debate on how to kill eachother at exactly the same time) 48. Make a touch attack giving him a tiny size mod to throw an instant fortress in his mouth
Xavon 03-16-08, 01:20 AM	49. Create an illusion of the worst movie you can think of. 50. Try to recruit his minions. Use the monologue as part of your sales pitch. 51. Cast Magic Missile, lowering your caster level to 1. 52. Cast any 0 or 1st level annoyance spells on him. 53. Start a pool as to how long the speech will take, and what point he will end with. 54. Start reading a book. Bonus points if you have illiteracy.
pigknight 03-16-08, 01:37 AM	55) Do an adventure. 56) Shoot him in the face with a cross bow (the PHB says a dagger through the eye is still a dagger through the eye, so...a bolt through the face = insta kill). 57) Use Summon Monster spells to summon an army of fiendish hamsters.
SquibThePirate 03-16-08, 01:48 AM	58) Get just outside his reach and start dancing. and these next three are my options as I am a Sorcerer focusing on necromancy and I am taking levels in the pale master prestige class. 59) with the skeletal arm graft, take your hand off and play with it. 60) Cast Grim Revenge and laugh as his own hand kills him 61) zombie dance party
themocaw 03-16-08, 04:42 AM	62) Bards, this is a great time to use Countersong.
kelvinaw273 03-16-08, 09:19 AM	63) Act surprised at some of the things that have happened to him, sympathize with his situation, then offer to join him so you can help rule the world as his trusted lieutenant (betrayal at a later date in alliance with his previous most trusted lieutenant is optional).
Entropy_Judge 03-16-08, 12:13 PM	64) (OOC) Snack run. 65) Summon a number of commoners and have an experiment to see if boredom really can kill; if no one dies, ask the BBEG to start his speech again. (As an added bonus, ask the DM if they can 1-time rage at the BBEG when it's time to fight)
Xavon 03-16-08, 01:46 PM	66) Nod as if you understand, and then halfway through say "Sorry, I don't speak Common." in the most obscure language you do speak. 67) PUNT!
Shaggy_Shaggs 03-16-08, 01:51 PM	68) Nod as if you understand, and then halfway through say "Sorry, I don't speak Common." in Common.
Half_Dragon_Infernal 03-16-08, 03:38 PM	69) Say "Me not like talky-man. Thog go sleep-sleep." if your a barbarian, or 70) say "Me no speak comman."
Gadren_Stoneblood 03-16-08, 04:07 PM	71) Take everyone's weapons, say "Look what I can do!" and start juggling. 72) Bring out the ale and ask who wants some. If the BBEG says he/she does, deny him/her. 73) Go Monty Python on him: "GET ON WITH IT!!!" 74) Surrender
Jaimas 03-16-08, 04:22 PM	Pfft. Who gives speeches anymore? Usually the only time this Overlord monologues is when he's already kicked your ass. Xp However, since I do have an appreciation for irony and the comedic arts: 75. Sit there listening intently to the speech. As he approaches the end of it, interrupt with an "OH MY GOD!!" and harp upon some obscure, borderline-irrelevant part of what he was saying as if it were an earth-shattering revelation. 76. Scream, turn around, charge into the wall, slam into it, and fall down. Repeat as necessary. 77. If the BBEG is attracted to your gender and you think for a nanosecond you can pull it off, undress mid-speech. I've heard that a beautiful relationship actually started this way.
Sunic_Flames 03-16-08, 04:27 PM	Yeah. See that button that says "Do not push this." over there? Go push it. :D
Jo_Pistachio 03-16-08, 04:41 PM	78: If you are of the appropriate type of caster, one up all of his schemes as he says them, and claim that you are doing so. 79: If you're tied down, and are forced to listen, bite off your own tongue, and drown in your own blood. I actually had a character do this in campaign to avoid a monologue once. Horray for regen.
Radijs 03-16-08, 06:03 PM	80: Nothing. Let the BBEG have his rant. Enjoy the effort your DM has made in preparing his speech.
Jo_Pistachio 03-16-08, 07:28 PM	First, sure. Second, if the first was reasonable, sure. Third, not really. It's usually the same monologue over and over, with some variation on words.
Elsydeon 03-16-08, 11:39 PM	80: Nothing. Let the BBEG have his rant. Enjoy the effort your DM has made in preparing his speech. Even when you've had numerous discussions about Villains not giving monologues? Offered that cut-scenes during the build-up to a confrontation might be more effective and easy to swallow? etc, etc. If DM insists on giving monologues, and the group has expressed their annoyance at how unrealistic they are when anyone has the ability to act, then he asked for it.
RPJesus 03-17-08, 01:51 AM	Not to stroke my ego, but in one of my more worked on RPGmaker projects, I got bored so I decided to work on the endgame. Basically I have the final boss go on some big philisophical rant, after which the main charrie responds with "That's what she said." :D.
NecroticBanana 03-17-08, 02:23 AM	Loudly inturrupt your DM with "He says none of that because i waste him with my crossbow!" Technically..he's flatfooted
nickmax5 03-17-08, 04:13 AM	81? 82?) ranger/druid calls his animal companion to him casts sumon natures ally. casts speak with animals and starts a card game.
PraetorianElite 03-17-08, 04:32 AM	82) Shout "TL;DR!" whist drawing my weapon and lining up the charge. As an aside, I would totally let him finish first. Might tell me where his Lieutenant, Phylacetary (sp? I hate that word), Next plot hook, Plans to the Death Star are.
Half_Dragon_Infernal 03-17-08, 07:02 PM	Its phylactery. 83) Use shatter to destroy the BBEG's clothes and yours, then have sex. Bonus points if your the same gender.
Cifer 03-18-08, 12:31 AM	(I'm astonished noone had that one before...) 84) Count off 15 seconds until you're no longer surprised...
PraetorianElite 03-18-08, 03:05 PM	Its phylactery. Thank you. The spare "e" always sneaks in on me :) 85) Sort the contents of your Bag of Holding 86) Try to use Gather Information with his/her nearby minions to determine the BBEG's troubled childhood. 87) Play a. Hopscotch, b. Patty Cake, c. Marbles, or d. Monopoly with your Cohort, Party members, or BBEG Minions.
Zombie_Babies 03-18-08, 04:39 PM	Serious: 88) Relax. You'll have plenty of time to kill him after the rant. And he may not be the last BBEG so interrupting him may result in you not getting a crucial bit of information. 89) Listen carefully. Any BBEG worth his salt will have captured some party member's family or friend and his little monologue may give you an idea of what he intends to do with them. The preceding were also snippets of advice for DMs that have players interrupt them rudely. Make them miss something for their impatience and they may be more respectful next time. Not: 90) Bark. Like a dog. Loudly. 91) Throw eggs and various vegetables at him while yelling "boo!" and "you suck!". Be sure to have the rest of the party TP his evil hideout while you do.
Shaso_Fish 03-18-08, 04:55 PM	Realistic answer: Let the guy finish. He'll generally reveal some important note or tip (what I usually do) or is merely the result of the effort of the DM (again, what usually happens). Fun answers (Largely because, as the usual DM as of late, I don't see this happen) 92) Pull out bag of Doritos; chew loudly, then walk up and wipe the cheese(-like substance) on his outfit. Enjoy the look on his face (works equally well with the DM. ;) ) 93) Once finished, begin reciting monologue of your own, finishing with (quickly) "And that's why my speech was more interesting than yours and why theres a giant spider on your back." 94) Release small, noisy, flightless cockatiel into room. Watch as he attacks speakers leg (My bird did it on his own once. Took the hint rather quickly). 95) Begin to sing "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts," loudly, and off-key by several levels.
Shaggy_Shaggs 03-18-08, 05:12 PM	96) Sit down and take the time to compose a suitable response to an intriguing personal ad. C'mon, not all the classifieds will be Level X adventurers wanted to slay monster Y for reward Z. :P
Half_Dragon_Infernal 03-18-08, 08:20 PM	97) Write down notes as he talks, then, when he's done, start singing "Anything you can do, I can do better".
Bloodsoul 03-18-08, 08:23 PM	All credit given to "Strife: Quest for the Sigil" by Velocity, Inc. and Rogue Entertainment 98) BBEG: "Who dares to enter my temple? A simple tool of flesh and bone? Feel the wrath of a force you can not even imagine, and your ignorance will be your demise..." Blackbird: "Don't let him scare you, it's just evil genius speak. Let's blast him!"
NecroticBanana 03-19-08, 02:14 AM	immediatly finish the BBEG's monologe with "...and that's the 2nd time i got crabs!"
EvilCouch 03-19-08, 02:33 AM	100: Face any non-human in your party and translate his monologue into their language for their benefit.
Emissary666 03-19-08, 07:47 AM	101: marry a female party member, have a kid, and live a happy life with the background music of a monologue. 102: Learn to juggle 103: Discover the meaning of life 104: gnaw your leg off to escape, works best if not trapped in any way/shape/form 105: Commit seppuku(sp?)
SplendidTuesday 03-19-08, 08:03 AM	106. Yell "Citation needed!" every few sentences. 107. Kill off the other party members, then kill the BBEG in the middle of his monologue. Then, take whatever mighty magical artifact both the BBEG and your party were after. Take control yourself. 108. Roll up a new character while you're waiting.
Gadren_Stoneblood 03-19-08, 09:31 PM	109) Take any conical object and hold it up to your ear. At intervals, yell "What's that? I can't hear you!" 110) "Hold on, before the show starts, where's the restroom? I've been holding it for hours."
twad 03-19-08, 11:40 PM	14) Say, "If I wanted to spend thirty minutes hearing about how inferior I am, I'd just talk to the elf," and walk off. 15) Have the rogue sneak around back and start mimicking the BBEG. i love it!
Zebppir 03-20-08, 12:20 AM	111.cast silence 112.marry the BBEG 113.have the BBEG'S child 114.watch said child grow up and start his own monologue 115.kiss him/her/it/thing/whatever to shut it up
Jo_Pistachio 03-20-08, 01:25 PM	116: Pull out a stop watch, wait for one minute of talking, and say "I have capped out my perform: odd stare skill, and the BBEG is now a fanatical worshipper of me.
WilliamTanner 03-20-08, 04:11 PM	117: Pass out your BBEG Buzzword Bingo cards to the other party members and start playing; shout out "Bingo!" with pride when you get 5 in a line.
RPJesus 03-20-08, 04:20 PM	*Scream* "You said the secret word!" :D If the BBEG is undead, cast cure minor wounds on them for the hell of it.
Passivearmada 03-20-08, 05:08 PM	119.) Kick their shins and run away, giggling. Pulling their hair is equally effective.
Passivearmada 03-20-08, 05:10 PM	120.) Oh, and while the BBEG is speaking, draw a picture of something completely random (from killing the BBEG to a tarrasque eating stick figures) and when he's done, just show a toothy grin and show him your masterpiece. This works in-game and in RL.
etraikov 03-21-08, 12:51 PM	121: Listen intently to his speech, and when he is finished, shout: "You monster! You'll never get away with this!" Honestly people, what ever happened to staying in character? :P EDIT: Whoops, i missed the second page when I wrote this, and it seems my answer was used...
TheFlyingAsian 03-21-08, 12:52 PM	Honestly people, what ever happened to staying in character? Half of these things are in character for my character. :D
Firaeki 03-21-08, 01:22 PM	122: Stop the BBEG at a break in his monologue. Soil yourself, grin, and ask him if he smells anything.
Raith_Darillian 03-21-08, 01:29 PM	123) Remind the Villain tha you,re a Barbarian and that you don,t care 124).Try to stay in character and tell the villain he,s nuts (when you actually like the villain style and want to be like him 125.) start a thread about 1001 thing to say during a BBeg monologue and see what ends first the monologue or the Thread. 126) Kill yourself and then create another character to meet the bbeg and hear his specch again. 127) Repeat the speech again but as if it were a Song
Mr_Seth 03-21-08, 07:51 PM	128. Whittle. 129. Scrimshaw. 130. Produce a block of marble, start sculpting a statue of the villian in mid-rant. 131. Start drinking. Heavily. 132. Start chewing on the BBEG's ankes. See if he notices before you manage to gnaw his feet off. 133. Run up, grab the BBEG, and give him the most passionate, sloppy kiss you can muster. Doubly effective if you're the same gender as the BBEG, triply if you're a race he despises. 134. Raid the BBEG's fridge. When he finishes, tell him he's out of mustard. 135. Tanglefoot bag.
Maekrix_Waere 03-21-08, 08:37 PM	136. Start watching this. (http://nch392.eden2.netclusive.de/daten/gamers.wmv) If the monologue is not over by 22:00, do what the Elven Ranger just did.
tharivol266 04-16-08, 11:51 AM	(I'm astonished noone had that one before...) 84) Count off 15 seconds until you're no longer surprised... that wouldnt work because you and the dm would have been arguing for most of that time and it wouldnt have counted. besides "Stop shooting him and let him finish talking!"
Mr_Seth 04-16-08, 01:29 PM	137. Play Evil Monologue Bingo. "Alriiiight. I got 'years of cautious planning' and 'soon to come to fruition' in the last sentence! Now all I need is 'those fools that spurned me' or 'to rule them all'." "What's the middle square? I thought that you got a free one in Bingo." "Maniacal laughter. It's not quite free, but it's close enough." 138. Build small, simple, mostly-useless constructs and set them loose. In the case of longer monologues, the BBEG could snap out of it in time to see six dozen wind-up tin chickens waddling about his feet. 139. MUSICAL NUMBER! 140. Butt into the BBEG's speech with appropriate overdramatic musical stings and sound effects. 141. Grab the BBEG's mystical staff, power source, giant throne of adamantine skulls, et cetera and try to walk out of his lair unnoticed. 142. Make a batch of cookies. Offer one to the BBEG after he's done. 143. Take bets on how long he'll ramble. Winner gets his nifty hat after he's dead. 144. If his plan centers around lying to and exploiting his staff, drag the body of one of his underlings back in and cast True Res, then watch him try and explain it off. 145. Point out every logical fallacy in his rant. 146. Critique his rant from a theater critic's point of view. "Oh, come on! I know you're just emoting here, but you still have to make me feel it!" 147. Face-painting. You, the BBEG, the party, the evil minions... go nuts. 148. Make baloon animals.
Meat_Grinder 04-16-08, 06:12 PM	149) Cast Hold Person/Monster on him, walk next to him and throw his robes over his head. Then just sit back and wait for the spell to end. 150) Hand over your Bag of Holding to one of your party members, tell them to wake you up when he's finished and go in it. 151) Take a bunch of Dull Grey Ioun Stones and make them spin around your head. Follow their movement with your eyes and turn your head after them. 152) Ask the party mage to cast Feeblemind on you.
Timlagor 04-23-08, 04:39 PM	Best rant I've seen by a BBEG was done just as the PCs enter a pocket Demi-Plane. The Plane runs at a different time-rate* so the BBEG gets plenty of time to rant while the PCs' bodies are getting up to speed. *I'm sure I could have put that better but you know what I mean.
Worshiper_of_Moradin 04-23-08, 10:46 PM	153) (If you happen to be the elven archer) "I shoot him in the neck." 10 points if you know where there is from.
Worshiper_of_Moradin 04-23-08, 10:50 PM	Dang it someone already mentioned mine...*sigh* that's what I get for not reading the entire post. Sorry.
Master_of_Rouges 04-23-08, 11:15 PM	I dont know the last number) While he talks make wierd noises interupting every 6 seconds. .)Moon him bonus points if the whole group does it.
AvilonRayne 04-23-08, 11:42 PM	158) Walk up to the BBEG and stare him/her in the eyes... just long enough to distract the BBEG for the rogue to get behind him/her. Let the flanking begin! 159) Scream out "Like, oh my gawd, I broke a nail!" in your best valley-girl accent, then ignore the BBEG while you fix it. Redo your makeup for added emphasis.
WorthlessDoor 04-24-08, 02:56 PM	160) Waste an entire wand of grease, effectively turning the BBEG's lair into a giant slip N slide. Bonus for convincing/pushing him/her to try it. 161) Summon as many monkeys as you can. Behind the blabbering fool.
Mr_Seth 04-24-08, 07:48 PM	162. Sing "The Song That Doesn't End," or "Hail To The Coach Driver Man". When/if the BBEG reacts, shout "YES!", award yourself an arbitrary number of points, and tell the BBEG to continue... then immediately tell one of the other party members that it's his turn. 163. Fill out a job application, kill the other members of your party, and when the BBEG stops talking, hand it in to him. For use only when his plan makes sense/there isn't a way to stop it that wouldn't get you killed/you hate your party. 164. Carve a tombstone for the BBEG... out of whatever stone is handy. 165. Build a casket for the BBEG. Works best if you've already finished 164. 166. Start constructing an entire mausoleum for the BBEG and his minions. 167. Lick the BBEG. Not in a nasty, dirty, or otherwise inappropriate way... just walk up and give a big, ice-cream style-lick of his face/arm/other exposed body part. When asked why, reply "I always wondered what a (insert race here) tasted like." 168. Start flirting with the BBEG's chief minion/second in command. 169. Marry the BBEG's chief minion/second in command. Have the party cleric do it right there. 170. Have an impromptu honeymoon in the east wing of the BBEG's lair. 171. Sort your magic items out, carefully weighing which will still be useful after the XP you'll get for beating the BBEG and which you'll sell off. 172. Sort the rest of your items out, actually figuring out your encumbrance for once. 173. Spitball contest. First to get one lodged in the BBEG's nostrils wins. 174. Get some shuteye. 175. Brew coffee. Everyone needs a nice pick-me-up once in a while, and right before the final battle is a good time for it.
mOxMoNgEr1337 04-24-08, 09:18 PM	163)Polymorph/alterself into a little girl with a teddybear and when the bbeg ask you why answer im : ''Do you wanna play with me?'' Double point if the bbeg is a cleric and triple point if your teddybear is actualy the druid wildshaped into a bear. 164)Polymorph/alterself into a naked nymph
wizarddog 04-25-08, 02:12 AM	165) When he/she finishes, ask, "Are you done?" 166) When finished, reply "Gee, when you put it that way..."
Kobold_Avenger 04-25-08, 02:04 PM	167) Act like a reporter. have him to repeat parts of the speach. 168) If your a good aligned memeber of an evil race tell the BBEG that your parents gave better speaches then s/he does. 169) Ask the BBEG's minions if this is normal behavior.
Roguewiz 04-25-08, 02:40 PM	170) Is that your breath, or did you just crap your pants out of fear? Besides, what if you are the BBEG? =)
Half_Dragon_Infernal 04-25-08, 10:47 PM	171) Play monopoly with your party. 172) See how many people you can sleep with at one time while the BBEG does the monologue
TylerP223 06-13-08, 07:18 PM	173. Sneak up behind the BBEG and lay a portable hole down behind him. When he gets to the climax, just knock him in and seal him up. If he needs to breath, the bag only has 10 minutes of air in it so just wait 20 minutes to make sure said BBEG is dead. So long as he can't get out via magic (Teleport,Dimension Door, etc.) then all you have just empty out the hole and loot the corpse. 174. Cast hold person on BBEG and then use the most powerful summon monster you have for effect. Watch the annoying BBEG go from monologuing to screaming in a few short seconds before dying. 175. Teach illiterate barbarian to read, using signs that insult the BBEG. 176. Start a D&D game inside the game. 177. Kill the BBEG in the new game when he starts monologuing followed by the one you are currently trying to ignore! 178. Use transposition on the BBEG and pick up his monologue right where he left off!
Omnirahk, half-Rahkshi 06-13-08, 09:40 PM	179. Create an illusion of a stain on his clothes and a ghost sound of it talking over him with gibberish. Like that commercial. 180. Re: #54 and if illiterate: Actually teach yourself to read. 181: For old wizards or the like: "Eh? What's that sonny boy? Speak up? You have to go to the bathroom? I told you to check before we left. In my day, we had to go fifteen miles through the River Styx to get to the bathroom. And by then, we had forgotten what we were doing. Kids these days . . . "
High Octane 06-13-08, 10:08 PM	182. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINGGGGGGG!! !" 183. "Look can I just get on with saying 'you'll never get away with this you vile fiend!' so we can make with someone dying, because either outcome would be preferable to this lecture."
zzo38computer 06-13-08, 10:38 PM	Kill them. Give them everything you have. Write down what they are saying. Write 2 copies and give 1 to them. Ask questions to the BBEG who is giving the monologue. Ask completely unrelated questions. Ask for help with your armor or whatever. Commit suicide. Tell them to commit suicide. Try to make peace with them. When they are finished, ask them to say those things again but in a different language this time. Try to purchase something from them. Try to sell something to them. Ask them if you can be of any assistance. Ask them if you can be of any assistance, and then do it wrong on purpose regardless of their answer. Leave the room. Count their money, and then if you have more, give some to them to make it even, if they have more, steal some to make it even. Count their money out loud. Count their money out loud wrong. These are real things I might do in the game.
Bahumutseyes 06-14-08, 02:52 AM	"Wait, wait. Can you repeat that part about me not caring? if not i can show you an example right here." or "So......your it? Damn, that freaking troglodyte was scarier than you."
kelvinaw273 06-14-08, 06:46 AM	183. Attack him shouting: "This is 4th ed - No Role-playing allowed!". Please note: This line is not intended to impune 4th ed players in any way. Any laughs generated may be as much at the stereotypical 3.5 sticklers' stereotype of 4th ed fans as the the stereotype of 4th ed fans itself. No 4ed players were injured in the creation of this line.
Josol 06-14-08, 11:39 AM	184. Stab the barbarian in the leg. While he's pummeling you, the wizard should be casting something. 185. Offer him a job at your homebase. (Be sure to pitch the 401k.) 186. Chastise him for his lack of back up planning. 187. Activate your ring of invisibility. Strip and throw your clothes at him. Especially pants. 189. Walk up to him and hand him a potion of cure light wounds. Punch him with your spiked gauntlet. 190. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Your killed my father. Prepare to die." 191. Hold portal. Hold Monster/ Person. Grease. Summon Swarm. 192. Fireball the minions. Just to add atmosphere.
MasterAlexStar 06-14-08, 12:04 PM	14) Say, "If I wanted to spend thirty minutes hearing about how inferior I am, I'd just talk to the elf," and walk off. This is absolutely priceless...
TiwazTyrsfist 06-14-08, 07:05 PM	We don't generally monologue, unless the BBEG is somehow protected from attack. Because we ALWAYS attack during the speach/transformation scene/incantation. I've done the following. 193> Have one party member take the oil (I always buy 10 pints of oil) and start dousing the room, while the rest of the party does standard Melodrama fair with the BBEG. You know, Shouting appropriate bits when he pauses. "You'll Never get away with this!" "You Fiend!", etc. When he finishes, Step out the door and lob in bottles of Alchemist fire.
Ramien 06-15-08, 05:57 PM	194. Wait for the BBEG to finish, then look at your time piece and announce "I'm sorry, we just changed editions five minutes ago, so you're going to have to rework all your spells into rituals or your plan is never going to work."
Man in the Funny Hat 06-15-08, 06:25 PM	195 - Kill him.
Smcgee 06-15-08, 09:07 PM	LOL ok I have a few 196) Just start laughing until he stops monologue then stop laughing start back up when he starts monologue again. 197) See if any of his henchmen can break a gold piece. 198) Have on of you party members who can manipulate minds and erase his memory so he forgets what hes doing. 199) Grab the nearest Crossbow and play Russian Rulet. 200) Raise your hand and ask questions on everything his monologue. 201) Start mimicking what he’s saying. 202) Shrink him. 203) Caste a I time warp around your party to speed up time. 204) Caste an Illusion of your party where you all were standing and just walk away. 205) Have the Bard walk up next to him and start narrating. 205.5) have the Bard walk up and start playing his instrument along with what he’s saying changing the type of music and rhythm. 206) Cast Ghost Sound around him at full strength. 207) Act really dramatic while he’s dialoging. Gasp in the proper spots, step forward and dialog back. 208) After he says something everyone look confused then have a caster cast Arcane Mark in front of him in common and have everyone in the party look at it and go "AH ok." (Subtitles) 209) Start a fight in your party. verbal or phisical. 210) ask if he wants a cookie. 211) Interupt him and say, "Um excuse me, Mr. Bad Man. This isn't in my script. I need to talk with my agent." Then call your agent and yell at him.
Defiant47 06-15-08, 10:48 PM	212) Right at the end of the speech, say "KHAAAAAAAANNNN!!!"
InsaneEngineer 06-16-08, 07:55 PM	213. cut off his arms and legs, then ride away to the sound of coconuts being clapped together. 214. as 213 but leave him getting burned by lava, and walk away.
Xavon 06-16-08, 09:46 PM	215) Take notes. Ask him if this is going to be on the test. 216) Two words: Sexy Jutsu!
Mr_Seth 06-16-08, 09:58 PM	217. Continually ask "why?", over and over again, to everything the BBEG says. 218. Cross your legs and whine, then start to dance in place. When the BBEG shuts up, scream "CHAMBER POT! NOW!" If he doesn't respond, leak in the corner. 219. Sticks to Snakes. Over and over again.
Doomsought 06-17-08, 12:47 AM	220: pull out the tomatoes... apply when the speech goes bad 210: Summon a monkey... command it to fling what monkeys fling. 211: same as above but a winged monkey... just for kicks.
bobbidog 06-19-08, 03:05 AM	212. Beat him to it. Upon sighting the villian, slowly clap and say something along the lines of 'so, youve made it this far have you?...", yadda yadda, dramatic speech, and end with 'minions! ATTACK!' This can end one of two ways... 1.) Your allies attack in a dramatic climax or 2.) Your allies bash your skull in for referring to them as 'minions'.
Eluxis 06-19-08, 11:02 PM	Wait patiently for the BBEG to finish and with a look of mock seriousness say, "Yeah...and then this happened." Then everyone attacks with their most powerful attack all at once.
Sagelyone 06-20-08, 01:09 AM	214) Sneak up behind him and pick pocket all his material components. Watch your DM have a conniption because none of his NPCs have eschew material. 215) Have the rogue throat punch him in the middle of it.
Omnirahk, half-Rahkshi 06-20-08, 12:07 PM	216. Assemble a ballista behind him and have the rogue sneak attack him with it.
Doomsought 06-20-08, 01:06 PM	216. Assemble a ballista behind him and have the rogue sneak attack him with it. You win the thread. 217:leave the wizard outside the door casting elemental swarm, when he finishes, open the door and step out of the way. 218: Same as above but multiple casters. 219: Secretly cast wall of force 3 times (triangular cage).
_Jayne_Cobb_ 06-20-08, 03:05 PM	Niska: I think this is not enough. Not enough for two. But sufficient, perhaps, for one. Ah, you now hav... Zoë: Him…I'm sorry, you were going to ask me to choose, right? Do you wanna finish? Pretty much that.
12Shark 06-21-08, 07:29 AM	220: Have the bard, or other similarly excessively language gifted character, walk up next to the BBEG while he's talking, and start doing an on-the-fly live translation half a second behind the BBEG in a different language. If possible, simultaneously translate into sign language for the silenced and hearing impaired. 220 (cont): When he splutters and/or demands to know what you're doing, explain that you're ensuring his monologue is accessible to all audiences. Criticise him for his common-centric speechmaking. 221: As above, but have the others use the time to fashion a headset and a makeshift camera, and have the headset one nod periodically and give a thumbs up, while the Wizard conjures up an 'ON AIR' illusion in bright red. 222: Set up some sort of instantaneous deathtrap while he's distracted (ie. rigging the building to explode on him) 223: When his speech ends, nod thoughtfully, and respond with 'Hmm, actually, that makes a lot of sense. I can't argue with that.', and simply leave. 224: All of the above.
jkob88 06-21-08, 04:12 PM	intterupt him by saying "but you forgot about MY plan!!" and start boring him with a speech.
Flash_Plasma 06-21-08, 08:06 PM	226 (I think): interrupt him at a specific detail and trail off in to a narrative about your past experiences BBEG: I will drown you all in your own blood in a sacrificial pool- PC: hey, can I maybe stop you there? Y'know I met my first wife in a sacrificial pool, it's really a shame what happened to her, why don't I tell you all about it?
Undrhil 06-22-08, 02:05 AM	227: When the BBEG starts talking, just back out of the room slowly. Try to move slow enough that he/she/it doesn't really notice. Once out of the room, shut the door. Wait ... don't tell me you kicked the door in? 228: Exercise - Jumping jacks, sit-ups, the works. 229: Start line dancing.
JasonRashidi 06-22-08, 07:46 PM	230: Cross-examine every major point of his plan. 231: At a seemingly random point in the speech, dramatically point at the BBEG and shout "OBJECTION!" 232: ...and then pull out a piece of evidence that proves he's wrong about that part of the plan.
ReverendDark 11-17-08, 03:46 PM	Hand your DM a piece of paper with the following (in-character) text on it: Good morrow, Sir. I feel as though we have reached a precipice in time. At this juncture there are two options. You can either stop talking and give us all of your treasure and let us leave peacefully, or we can kill you, take your treasure and leave peacefully. Please note that this missive was written with Explosive Runes. Signed: Torvald the Bored-out-of-his-mind Wizard. Bonus points if it's done by someone who can't actual use Explosive Runes and it's all a bluff.
RPJesus 11-17-08, 06:07 PM	212. Beat him to it. Upon sighting the villian, slowly clap and say something along the lines of 'so, youve made it this far have you?...", yadda yadda, dramatic speech, and end with 'minions! ATTACK!' This can end one of two ways... 1.) Your allies attack in a dramatic climax or 2.) Your allies bash your skull in for referring to them as 'minions'. :bow:
Orenthes 11-17-08, 06:10 PM	A Rear-ended Fireball? OR stinking cloud? That would be my dragonborn paladin after eating a meal that doesn't agree with him.
Orenthes 11-17-08, 08:22 PM	212) Right at the end of the speech, say "KHAAAAAAAANNNN!!!" Best one yet
Doomsought 11-17-08, 09:37 PM	233. Cast dominate person on him, and then mark of justice. 234. same as above but you paint his nails, and dye his hair, bright pink.
Malek2991 11-18-08, 11:18 PM	235) Try to convert him/her to your characters religion during his speech. (Especially if the enemy is a Cleric/Favored soul, etc..., who gets his/her powers through his/her god/goddess). 236) Try to convert him/her to your real religion during his speech. 237) If he is a Cleric try to convert him/her to his/her own religion. 238) At the end of his speech pretend to be one of his minnions and say something like, " That's a great line boss, but you might want to save it for those pesky adventurers". (Bonus points if he can't prove you're not his minnions)
Ocarina_Guy 11-19-08, 03:18 AM	#) Do what Richard did: walk up and vorpal sword his head off. Don't even let 'im get two sentences. #+1) Naptime! #+2) Yeah, yeah. You'll get away with it, too. Well, we have news. We're meddling kids. And we have a dog. [hold up the halfling at this point] Well, close enough. #+3) If he's gesturing wildly, go through the rock-paper-scissors motions and declare "Ha! Scissors beats paper!"
shibb 11-19-08, 08:49 AM	240: Complain that you'd rather be reading the Atlas Shrugged monologue. 212. Beat him to it. Upon sighting the villian, slowly clap and say something along the lines of 'so, youve made it this far have you?...", yadda yadda, dramatic speech, and end with 'minions! ATTACK!' This can end one of two ways... 1.) Your allies attack in a dramatic climax or 2.) Your allies bash your skull in for referring to them as 'minions'. Haha.
Doomsought 11-19-08, 06:43 PM	241 bake cookies and try to bribe him with them 242 bake a cake and try to bribe him with it 243 bake a cookie cake and try to bribe him with it 244 convert all his minions to your cause 245 convert all his minions to your cause by saying you won't make long monologues.
ramzca 11-19-08, 09:58 PM	Alright, I am a DM myself and I rarely have villians reveal their plots, due to, well, they are most likely working for someone of greater power. I usually do monologues to poke fun at my players, and, then in turn, they attempt to 'spice it up'. Here are several things they have done: (I'll list 3 for now) 246: In the middle of a tyrants speach, the group's very own halfling bard sang an epic chorus that drew a crowd of commoners to him that clapped at his epicness. They cheered "Bravo"; which, in turn, the rogue repeated again and again until the Tyrant walked out the door, and came back with a bigger and better performing bard. After the sing off, the bard ended up starting a competition called, Faerun's Idol. 247: In the middle of a lich's speech about how he planned to imbue himself with infinite power, the group's sorceror drew a mustache on every picture the lich had in his study... and on the lich himself. 248: Against the great bandit lord, Rorgrazh, Terror-Incarnate, the group's sorceror and rogue made shadow puppets with the light of a bonfire. The Bandit lord was insulted, and proceeded to make a shadow puppet of himself and kill the other shadow puppets... It took thirty minutes, but the shadow-pupper bandit lord slew the pink bunny of the great forest and the crocidile of the endless abyss. Yes, it was an actual battle, dice and everything. ~Ramzca~
JasonOrlandoHawk 11-21-08, 01:13 AM	*) Listen carefully for the word, "Before." Immediately upon hearing it shout, "Ah man! You sank my battleship!" *) "Gentlemen, Behold! The Robo Bunny! Now, I will spray it in the eyes with perfume, because that's HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!" *) Optional: Above action, but spray BBEG w/ perfume immediately afterwards. *) Reenact scenes from Dr. Weird as necessary. *) Cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on his minions so it looks like they are laughing at their boss. *) "99 bottles of ale on the wall! 99 bottles of ale..." *) For Female Clerics: Wait until the bad guy says something dirty or blasphemous. Yell, "Jesus Christ, don't you know better than to cuss in front of a nun?" *) "We're on a mission from God." *) Play World of Warcraft. *) When the BBEG finishes the monologue, deliberately start a quest chain that will take an equal amount of time. *) /dance *) /flirt *) /facepalm *) /silly *) /throw Dr. Pepper at the DM *) Quote famous historical figures/documents at the same time as the BBEG. The Constitution. The Gettysburg Address. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Particularly Henry IV, Part 2... *) "I fart in your general DI-rection!" *) Comment on the DM's wardrobe selection mid-speech. Ask him how long it's been since he did laundry. *) Ask the DM for rules clarifications... on some other game system... WoD, Palladinium, etc... *) Take shorthand. Use the exact same speech in your next campaign. *) Start a debate over the Final Fantasy series: American numbering or Japanese numbering? *) Pizza run. *) Taco Bell run. *) Toilet Paper the DM's house, mid-rant. *) Declare, "I'm fighting defensively." Leave room. Come back 10 minutes later. *) Say random numbers. See if you can mess the BBEG's speech up. *) Do your best Darth Vader impression. *) Do your best Rocky & Bullwinckle impression. *) Accuse the BBEG of slander or libel. Call your lawyer. *) Tell the BBEG that he doesn't have an optimal build, and that your next character will do it better. *) Post at least 20 entries on this thread. *) Get a buzzer from the game Taboo. Draw a card... *) Have the Rogue tie the BBEG's shoe laces together. *) Pick a random line from the monologue. Tell the BBEG that you could be much more creative. Repeat the line, but replace a key word w/ the word "Pants." *) Yo' mama jokes. *) Calculate Pi. *) Finish your dissertation. *) Keep rolling your d20. Wait until you roll a natural 20. Scream, "I crit!" *) Pull out the emergency stash of your DM's favorite food/candy... eat it as slowly & loudly as possible in front of him. "You don't get any until the monologue has come to a complete end." *) Loud, Commanding Voice: "Please keep arms and legs inside until monologue has come to a complete stop." *) End every sentence with the word, "Hastur..." *) Play a game of Arkham Horror.
JasonOrlandoHawk 11-21-08, 01:16 AM	And as a reference to my last post... *) Ask the BBEG, "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?"
Rexracerjr 11-22-08, 08:29 PM	#) Do what Richard did: walk up and vorpal sword his head off. Don't even let 'im get two sentences. #+1) Naptime! #+2) Yeah, yeah. You'll get away with it, too. Well, we have news. We're meddling kids. And we have a dog. [hold up the halfling at this point] Well, close enough. #+3) If he's gesturing wildly, go through the rock-paper-scissors motions and declare "Ha! Scissors beats paper!" Richard Who?
baneofelves 11-22-08, 09:29 PM	Flirt with another PC/NPC/Minion during his rant. If he tries to get your attention, shout "Quiet! The adults are talking!"
calronmoonflower 11-22-08, 09:36 PM	293). Start making your own epic speech. Bonus points if it's better than his monologue. 294). Try to make out with his minions. 295). Challenge him to a children's card game. 296). Make a search check to find look for treasure. 297). "*Yawn*, suddenly I just got so sleepy."
Ocarina_Guy 11-23-08, 03:11 AM	Richard from the Sword of Truth series (or Legend of the Seeker), not the homicidal warlock (I've never known one who isn't). #) Try this (http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wikipedian_protester.png). #) Correct his grammar! #) See if you can get minion bits to stick to his face.
Kobold_Avenger 11-23-08, 03:36 PM	301) If your a tiefling warlock: Say, "and boring speaches is the reason why bael-turath fell." 302) if your a yuan-ti: Start talking to your pet snake. 302) Tiefling Bard" Start singing Hells bells.
Caleb_101 11-23-08, 07:53 PM	304) Use illusions so he thinks your listening while you steal his treasure. 305) Sneak behind him and mock him. 306) Say "Can we skip to the part where we whoop you?"
Morbien 11-23-08, 08:51 PM	307) Throw a rock with "Silence" cast on it at the BBEG's feet and charge. (One of the PC's in my Dragonlance Campaign actually did this, and I had a REALLY good speech prepared for the fiendish hobgoblin he was facing, too. Stupid Minotaur.)
Kazuhiro 11-24-08, 06:54 PM	308. Make a Bluff check to pretend to have gone completely deaf. 309. Take 20 on an Escape Artist check. 310. Give constructive criticism on his evil plan. 311. Heckle the DM about plotholes (if your DM is like me, there will be plotholes) 312. If not restrained James Bond-style, rip the door to the room off its hinges and hide behind it. Alternatively, knock over a table.
calronmoonflower 11-25-08, 02:56 AM	313). Put out a instrument and give the speech a musical score.
Rowl 11-25-08, 05:22 AM	314.) Interrupt with, "Um, excuse me one moment, but I can see that you're ramping up to your final battle monologue, and, well, since this is the end-game and all, there's been something I've been meaning to do for a while, if you'll just pardon me for a moment." Turn to one of the characters in the party of opposing gender, get down on one knee and produce a diamond ring (bought in preparation for this moment). "[insert name here], will you marry me?" Wait for 'yes' answer and immediately ask the cleric to marry you. Saunter over to the BBEG and ask him to be your best man and he can give the rest of his monologue at the reception as part of his toast. 315.) Tell the BBEG, "There you are! Finally! I've been pursuing you all over these great realms just to ask you one very important question." Again, drop to one knee, producing a diamond ring (extra kudos if you bought it early enough in the campaign that the DM forgot you had it and asks about where you got it from), "Will you marry me?" If you catch him/her off-guard go so far as to say that you even brought a cleric with you so that there won't be any lengthy engagement period to show that you aren't afraid of commitment.
RPJesus 11-26-08, 12:31 AM	316) Interrupt his monologue, go off on a 30 second rant about some aspect of his plan you find fault with, finish with "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the future!" and manifest time hop on yourself.
Saramis 11-26-08, 01:57 AM	Stand next to the BBEG, stare at the PC's, and start doing the repeater.
Black Kitten 11-26-08, 05:40 AM	I don't believe I have ever seen a monologue by one of my main villains... getting as much from a surprise round as possible is a tactic my players excel at. One particular BBEG got so surprised he had a dwarven frenzied berserker cleaving his skull before he could open his mouth.
StarDrifter 11-26-08, 11:38 AM	317) flatulence, on command, right when he begins to raise his voice 318) sit down, don a pair of glasses with eyes painted on them. Go to sleep
CaptMDKirk 11-26-08, 11:56 AM	319) When the party sees him/her starting to launch into the speech, the characters ask him/her politely to pause just a second while they gamble to see who will have to pretend to pay attention. The others are then free to follow any of the suggestions above.
DKase 12-01-08, 02:52 AM	320) Be an artificer and make one of those portable 'Wrap It Up' applause boxes as seen in the Dave Chappelle Show. "Read the sign! Wrap it up!" 321) Insert "That's what she said," during appropriate (or inappropriate) junctures.
Kazuhiro 12-01-08, 11:13 PM	314.) Interrupt with, "Um, excuse me one moment, but I can see that you're ramping up to your final battle monologue, and, well, since this is the end-game and all, there's been something I've been meaning to do for a while, if you'll just pardon me for a moment." Turn to one of the characters in the party of opposing gender, get down on one knee and produce a diamond ring (bought in preparation for this moment). "[insert name here], will you marry me?" Wait for 'yes' answer and immediately ask the cleric to marry you. Saunter over to the BBEG and ask him to be your best man and he can give the rest of his monologue at the reception as part of his toast.So awesome SO AWESOME!
Omni-Wyvernil 12-08-08, 11:49 PM	322) Related to #317: Use ghost sound to make farting sounds whenever the BBEG opens his mouth. 323) Alternatively, use ghost sound to repeat the villain's monologue in a squeaky chipmunk voice. 324) Try to talk the DM into letting you use mage hand to give the villain a wedgie at the most important part of the speech. 325) Use prestidigitation to turn the villain's robe pink. If it's already pink, use the spell to soil his pants. Cantrips are fun. :D
Wychlorne 12-09-08, 03:08 PM	79: If you're tied down, and are forced to listen, bite off your own tongue, and drown in your own blood. I actually had a character do this in campaign to avoid a monologue once. Horray for regen. God, you must write horrible monologues. Respect points to the player, though. That's ****ing hilarious. 326) Stand next to the BBEG and do perform an interpretive dance of his monologue.
Cicotik 12-11-08, 06:02 PM	327) After a few words in apologize for interrupting them. Have your character say, in an uneasy voice, “I’m sorry, you have a….” while pointing at one of your nostrils. Offer them a snot rag.
Doomsought 12-11-08, 07:11 PM	328)play fetch with a dog 329)play fetch with a HellHound 323)play fetch with a dire/halfdragon/creature of legend/earth elemental/air elemental/(templated ad infinitum) hellhound. 323)...Which is actually game legal for you to have.
Karodar 12-15-08, 11:16 AM	324) Cast an illusion of a regional flag waving behind him (if villain is doing it for own interests, simply have his face on a colored flag), and have the bard play inspirational music to his speech.
Doomsought 12-15-08, 08:49 PM	231)Have the artificer suck all the XP out his epic magical item of doom and put all into a scroll of true creation.
pogminky 12-16-08, 02:28 PM	232) "Am I bovvered, though? Look, face, bovvered, bovvered. Am I bovvered though? Bovvered? Am I bovvered though?"
DragonsWrath 12-17-08, 11:57 PM	314.) Interrupt with, "Um, excuse me one moment, but I can see that you're ramping up to your final battle monologue, and, well, since this is the end-game and all, there's been something I've been meaning to do for a while, if you'll just pardon me for a moment." Turn to one of the characters in the party of opposing gender, get down on one knee and produce a diamond ring (bought in preparation for this moment). "[insert name here], will you marry me?" Wait for 'yes' answer and immediately ask the cleric to marry you. Saunter over to the BBEG and ask him to be your best man and he can give the rest of his monologue at the reception as part of his toast. My first thought was "I wondered if anyone has ever done this to propose in real life?" My guess: Yes. Somewhere, somehow, someone is a very lucky person