Bad DND Jokes [Archive] - Wizards Community

Bad DND Jokes [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
FrozenFire
04-10-05, 02:38 AM Two orcs walk into a bar..

..Gauzing at their surroundings they notice that every one of the patrons and customers is short and has a beard... unnerved a bit one orc replies to the other

First orc: "say.. Are you sure this is the right place?"

"Course it is.. You said you wanted a quick death didn’t you" *responds the other
FrozenFire
04-10-05, 02:44 AM Barbarian and the rouge

*the barbarian full of rage charged at the unsuspecting goblin... ready to run him down... the brute yelled a war call to his god* "For Tampons"

**a younger.. But more battle agile rouge looked at him curiously and stopped him in his tracks** "don’t you mean Tempus?"

** The barbarian stopped .. and looking a bit confused and forgot about the goblin responding:* "yes ... Tempus... what did i say?"

"Tampons...” *said unbeliving rouge* "you lunatic"
FrozenFire
04-10-05, 02:45 AM **a dwarf awakens to the sound of a spinning bottle. He is in a circle of taller and pointy eared females and males... Somehow it had been his turn to spin the thing and it was coming to a stop... when it did it pointed to a skinny but seemingly the tallest male of the group... the dwarf looked around to see laughing faces around him accept an un amused one where the bottle was pointing.......

The scene changes and later the tall elf is seen talking to another of his kind... them recall the earlier day’s events...

"I wonder what got over him" one asked the other”

"I know what’s gotten over him he's just to stubborn that what"

"And what about his response before he trashed the party?"

"Aint kissin no stinkin elf” sounded like a perfectly good reason to find the lot of you knocked out unconscious to me ... Replied the other*
Lord Xcapobl
04-10-05, 03:10 AM What does a Man or Elf say to the Dwarf with a really big nose ?

...

Anything he darn well wants to say ! With those short, stuby legs the Dwarf is never going to catch up !

:D

(Assuming the Dwarf isn't monkish or something with an increased speed...)
Solidcobra
04-10-05, 04:37 AM The thread IS named "Bad DND Jokes", but please...try to have a punchline anyway. Or at least a little bit of humor... at all.
Santrilla
04-10-05, 06:04 AM An orc and a halfling walk into a bar. The orc says 'ouch'.
Jayr
04-10-05, 12:11 PM Two illithids walk into an elven village.
One illithid says, "Why didn't we go to the dwarf or kender village instead?"
The other replies, "I felt like eating chicken."

If you got that horrible pun, I salute you.
Santrilla
04-10-05, 12:19 PM And of course, there's the classic:

JESUS SAVES!
The rest of you take full damage.
Black Kitten
04-10-05, 12:25 PM And of course, there's the classic:

JESUS SAVES!
The rest of you take full damage.

I really hate that one. A divine rank doesn't save you from MY horror.

"Jesus saves, but still gets all the damage you collectively got in the first place"
Sarella Starshine
04-10-05, 10:00 PM a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks 'why the long face?'

works with any setting, any location any genre

it is also my all time favorite joke (next to the horrably long bear joke with a punch line that violates the CoC).
Shocker250
04-10-05, 10:54 PM i like this one a lot...

A half-orc an elf and a naked clerik walk into a bar.

its just a perfect DnD spin upon a clasic.

I remember reading this one in someone's sig which i liked...

"what do you call a person that cries when you burn his books?" - A wizard

I liked this DnD joke though... I was playing an insane character that killed a cow, skinned it, and the put the skin on. While having the skin on, I encounter something im gonna kill.

We rolled for initiatives. (D.m)"ok your turn, what do you do?"
(me)- I do a gore attack

(DM) "Ok, you encounter a minotaur
(PC) "oh god... why cant these things learn to wear pants?!"
Thorak
04-11-05, 12:50 AM And, of course, the pun so bad that even Dragon magazine, when they published a cartoon based on it, couldn't bring themselves to finish the line;

Three gals are in a Miss Dungeoneering competition. The three are, respectively, an Elf, a Nymph, and an Eye Tyrant.

Who won?

The Eye Tyrant.

Because, after all, beauty is in the Eye of the ... crap. Even I can't finish that one.
Phrennzy
04-11-05, 09:42 AM a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks 'why the long face?'

My partner kept making that joke as we'd pull open our DeathKnell boxes, everytime he got an Ibixian.
Lennart
04-11-05, 10:17 AM Longest staring contest?

:eek: Medusa VS Basilisk :eek:
Lennart
04-11-05, 10:22 AM Where do Dryads come from? :confused:

Trea hugging elf + Treant :P
Lionhearted
04-11-05, 12:47 PM three trolls walk into a building
should not at least one have spotted it?
HypnoticMonk
04-11-05, 10:43 PM A half-orc barbarian, a dwarven defender, a halfling magic-user, a half-elf druid, a human monk, two human rangers, two kobold sorcerors, five bugbears, three pixies, and one radiant servant of Pelor walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says " What is this, some kind of joke???"

::: ducking :::
Chosen of the Dark Sun
04-11-05, 10:58 PM And, of course, the pun so bad that even Dragon magazine, when they published a cartoon based on it, couldn't bring themselves to finish the line;

Three gals are in a Miss Dungeoneering competition. The three are, respectively, an Elf, a Nymph, and an Eye Tyrant.

Who won?

The Eye Tyrant.

Because, after all, beauty is in the Eye of the ... crap. Even I can't finish that one.
Groan...

Heres one I saw in someones sig, or something similar.
A dwarf walks out of a bar. :rimshot:
SnowbearK
04-11-05, 11:02 PM A clone walks into a bar. Ouch.
SnowbearK
04-11-05, 11:04 PM A clone walks into a bar. Ouch.

(damn vBulletin rules..)
pres_man
04-11-05, 11:50 PM a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks 'why the long face?'
Reminds of "John Kerry walks into ..." Oops no political humor. :D

Orc joke: How do you help a drowning dwarf? Stand on his head.

And the classic:
A elf, a human, and a dwarf are in a bar. All three get their drinks and there is a fly in each one. The elf demands a new drink. The human takes the fly out and drinks his. The dwarf takes the fly out and shouts, "Cough it up your bastard!"
SnowbearK
04-12-05, 12:55 AM A gnome enters the local bar, orders three drinks at once, and downs them each in succession.

The next month, on the same day, he walks into the same bar, orders three drinks at once, and downs them in succession.

The same thing happens every month for 6 months, finally the tarbender asks him why he drinks like that.

"Tis a simple thing. My two brothers and I used to get together every month like this and have a drink. Since they went adventuring, we can't do that anymore. So on this day every month, we go into the nearest tavern, order three drinks, and drink them for each other."

The bartender nods his head, this is definitely a good thing.

So a year goes by, and every month, on the same day, the gnome comes in and orders three drinks, downing each in succession.

The next month, the gnome comes in with a surly attitude and orders only 2 drinks. The bar goes dead quiet and everything stops as the patrons and staff watch him stare at the two drinks before guzzling them in succession.

Finally the bartender approaches cautiously. "I'm very sorry for your loss, friend."

Puzzled, the gnome looks up at him "Come again?"

The bartender hangs his head and indicates the two drinks. "I know what it's like to have someone you love die."

The gnome looks at the drinks, then to the bartender and bursts out laughing "OH NO! No, nothing like that, lad! I've just quit drinking."
Draco Strang
04-12-05, 11:18 AM Taken from my Eberron DM's (Doctor X) old sig:

What do you get when you cross a halfling and a halberd?

.............................

.............................

............................

Two Quarterlings! :rimshot:

Thank you, Thank you.
Demon Lightfoot
04-12-05, 03:37 PM The Epic Level Handbook.
Feannor
04-13-05, 11:52 AM Just add:

First, choose vow of poverty in the Exalted deads.
use the bonus of +8 to INt/Cha and the +6 to dex.
Then, ask to cast a spell of permante shield on you. (+4)
Start with 14 in DEx to achieve 20 (+5 bonus)
OK, in 20th you will have
10 AC bonus
3 deflection
2 natural armor
5 dex modifier
10 (hte first 10 of AC)
4 permanent shield

34 in AC. just and great invisibilty adn fly. Then use the non violence vow to give you more 6 to Ac (total 40), and use the bonus exalted feats of the vow of poverty, to chace all your damage (included magic) to nonlethal.

If you get to epic, put some monk levels in it, and then go make some touch attacks (invisible and flying).

Do you want more or do you want the other players to game too?
Crispy_Spellthief
04-14-05, 03:19 AM That's the wierdes joke I have evr heard. :p

So a barbarian, a rogue, and a wizard were busy fighting a group of goblins. One of the goblins was so busy trying to avoid being cleaved by the Barbarian, that he didn't see the Rogue coming up from behind.. and got a dagger right in the tuckus! He collapsed over, and the wizard cries out:

"By jove, you just stabbed that goblin in the ******!"

Said the barbarian: "******? he damn killed um!" :rimshot:

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
FrozenFire 04-10-05, 02:38 AM	Two orcs walk into a bar.. ..Gauzing at their surroundings they notice that every one of the patrons and customers is short and has a beard... unnerved a bit one orc replies to the other First orc: "say.. Are you sure this is the right place?" "Course it is.. You said you wanted a quick death didn’t you" *responds the other
FrozenFire 04-10-05, 02:44 AM	Barbarian and the rouge the barbarian full of rage charged at the unsuspecting goblin... ready to run him down... the brute yelled a war call to his god "For Tampons" a younger.. But more battle agile rouge looked at him curiously and stopped him in his tracks "don’t you mean Tempus?" ** The barbarian stopped .. and looking a bit confused and forgot about the goblin responding:* "yes ... Tempus... what did i say?" "Tampons...” said unbeliving rouge "you lunatic"
FrozenFire 04-10-05, 02:45 AM	*a dwarf awakens to the sound of a spinning bottle. He is in a circle of taller and pointy eared females and males... Somehow it had been his turn to spin the thing and it was coming to a stop... when it did it pointed to a skinny but seemingly the tallest male of the group... the dwarf looked around to see laughing faces around him accept an un amused one where the bottle was pointing....... The scene changes and later the tall elf is seen talking to another of his kind... them recall the earlier day’s events... "I wonder what got over him" one asked the other” "I know what’s gotten over him he's just to stubborn that what" "And what about his response before he trashed the party?" "Aint kissin no stinkin elf” sounded like a perfectly good reason to find the lot of you knocked out unconscious to me ... Replied the other
Lord Xcapobl 04-10-05, 03:10 AM	What does a Man or Elf say to the Dwarf with a really big nose ? ... Anything he darn well wants to say ! With those short, stuby legs the Dwarf is never going to catch up ! :D (Assuming the Dwarf isn't monkish or something with an increased speed...)
Solidcobra 04-10-05, 04:37 AM	The thread IS named "Bad DND Jokes", but please...try to have a punchline anyway. Or at least a little bit of humor... at all.
Santrilla 04-10-05, 06:04 AM	An orc and a halfling walk into a bar. The orc says 'ouch'.
Jayr 04-10-05, 12:11 PM	Two illithids walk into an elven village. One illithid says, "Why didn't we go to the dwarf or kender village instead?" The other replies, "I felt like eating chicken." If you got that horrible pun, I salute you.
Santrilla 04-10-05, 12:19 PM	And of course, there's the classic: JESUS SAVES! The rest of you take full damage.
Black Kitten 04-10-05, 12:25 PM	And of course, there's the classic: JESUS SAVES! The rest of you take full damage. I really hate that one. A divine rank doesn't save you from MY horror. "Jesus saves, but still gets all the damage you collectively got in the first place"
Sarella Starshine 04-10-05, 10:00 PM	a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks 'why the long face?' works with any setting, any location any genre it is also my all time favorite joke (next to the horrably long bear joke with a punch line that violates the CoC).
Shocker250 04-10-05, 10:54 PM	i like this one a lot... A half-orc an elf and a naked clerik walk into a bar. its just a perfect DnD spin upon a clasic. I remember reading this one in someone's sig which i liked... "what do you call a person that cries when you burn his books?" - A wizard I liked this DnD joke though... I was playing an insane character that killed a cow, skinned it, and the put the skin on. While having the skin on, I encounter something im gonna kill. We rolled for initiatives. (D.m)"ok your turn, what do you do?" (me)- I do a gore attack (DM) "Ok, you encounter a minotaur (PC) "oh god... why cant these things learn to wear pants?!"
Thorak 04-11-05, 12:50 AM	And, of course, the pun so bad that even Dragon magazine, when they published a cartoon based on it, couldn't bring themselves to finish the line; Three gals are in a Miss Dungeoneering competition. The three are, respectively, an Elf, a Nymph, and an Eye Tyrant. Who won? The Eye Tyrant. Because, after all, beauty is in the Eye of the ... crap. Even I can't finish that one.
Phrennzy 04-11-05, 09:42 AM	a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks 'why the long face?' My partner kept making that joke as we'd pull open our DeathKnell boxes, everytime he got an Ibixian.
Lennart 04-11-05, 10:17 AM	Longest staring contest? :eek: Medusa VS Basilisk :eek:
Lennart 04-11-05, 10:22 AM	Where do Dryads come from? :confused: Trea hugging elf + Treant :P
Lionhearted 04-11-05, 12:47 PM	three trolls walk into a building should not at least one have spotted it?
HypnoticMonk 04-11-05, 10:43 PM	A half-orc barbarian, a dwarven defender, a halfling magic-user, a half-elf druid, a human monk, two human rangers, two kobold sorcerors, five bugbears, three pixies, and one radiant servant of Pelor walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says " What is this, some kind of joke???" ::: ducking :::
Chosen of the Dark Sun 04-11-05, 10:58 PM	And, of course, the pun so bad that even Dragon magazine, when they published a cartoon based on it, couldn't bring themselves to finish the line; Three gals are in a Miss Dungeoneering competition. The three are, respectively, an Elf, a Nymph, and an Eye Tyrant. Who won? The Eye Tyrant. Because, after all, beauty is in the Eye of the ... crap. Even I can't finish that one. Groan... Heres one I saw in someones sig, or something similar. A dwarf walks out of a bar. :rimshot:
SnowbearK 04-11-05, 11:02 PM	A clone walks into a bar. Ouch.
SnowbearK 04-11-05, 11:04 PM	A clone walks into a bar. Ouch. (damn vBulletin rules..)
pres_man 04-11-05, 11:50 PM	a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks 'why the long face?' Reminds of "John Kerry walks into ..." Oops no political humor. :D Orc joke: How do you help a drowning dwarf? Stand on his head. And the classic: A elf, a human, and a dwarf are in a bar. All three get their drinks and there is a fly in each one. The elf demands a new drink. The human takes the fly out and drinks his. The dwarf takes the fly out and shouts, "Cough it up your bastard!"
SnowbearK 04-12-05, 12:55 AM	A gnome enters the local bar, orders three drinks at once, and downs them each in succession. The next month, on the same day, he walks into the same bar, orders three drinks at once, and downs them in succession. The same thing happens every month for 6 months, finally the tarbender asks him why he drinks like that. "Tis a simple thing. My two brothers and I used to get together every month like this and have a drink. Since they went adventuring, we can't do that anymore. So on this day every month, we go into the nearest tavern, order three drinks, and drink them for each other." The bartender nods his head, this is definitely a good thing. So a year goes by, and every month, on the same day, the gnome comes in and orders three drinks, downing each in succession. The next month, the gnome comes in with a surly attitude and orders only 2 drinks. The bar goes dead quiet and everything stops as the patrons and staff watch him stare at the two drinks before guzzling them in succession. Finally the bartender approaches cautiously. "I'm very sorry for your loss, friend." Puzzled, the gnome looks up at him "Come again?" The bartender hangs his head and indicates the two drinks. "I know what it's like to have someone you love die." The gnome looks at the drinks, then to the bartender and bursts out laughing "OH NO! No, nothing like that, lad! I've just quit drinking."
Draco Strang 04-12-05, 11:18 AM	Taken from my Eberron DM's (Doctor X) old sig: What do you get when you cross a halfling and a halberd? ............................. ............................. ............................ Two Quarterlings! :rimshot: Thank you, Thank you.
Demon Lightfoot 04-12-05, 03:37 PM	The Epic Level Handbook.
Feannor 04-13-05, 11:52 AM	Just add: First, choose vow of poverty in the Exalted deads. use the bonus of +8 to INt/Cha and the +6 to dex. Then, ask to cast a spell of permante shield on you. (+4) Start with 14 in DEx to achieve 20 (+5 bonus) OK, in 20th you will have 10 AC bonus 3 deflection 2 natural armor 5 dex modifier 10 (hte first 10 of AC) 4 permanent shield 34 in AC. just and great invisibilty adn fly. Then use the non violence vow to give you more 6 to Ac (total 40), and use the bonus exalted feats of the vow of poverty, to chace all your damage (included magic) to nonlethal. If you get to epic, put some monk levels in it, and then go make some touch attacks (invisible and flying). Do you want more or do you want the other players to game too?
Crispy_Spellthief 04-14-05, 03:19 AM	That's the wierdes joke I have evr heard. :p So a barbarian, a rogue, and a wizard were busy fighting a group of goblins. One of the goblins was so busy trying to avoid being cleaved by the Barbarian, that he didn't see the Rogue coming up from behind.. and got a dagger right in the tuckus! He collapsed over, and the wizard cries out: "By jove, you just stabbed that goblin in the ****!" Said the barbarian: "****? he damn killed um!" :rimshot: