Post/Author/DateTime	Post
internerdj 07-14-06, 10:56 AM	My wife dislikes me to even mention D&D. I think I could handle it if she had religious objections, but she says it is far to nerdy for me to be involved in. While I accept my nerdiness being a Software Engineer, who enjoys video games, RPGs, Martial arts, etc..., she grew up in a very sporty popular kind of culture. For me there is no difference in the nerdiness of being able to spout off the stats of some random sports star and being able to spout off the rules for some obscure monster from Dragon Mag, but to her there is a great difference. I'd like to know how others deal with the issue of social perception of their gaming. And perhaps some suggestions to warm her up to a great hobby.
Stumm_Dolch 07-14-06, 11:10 AM	Not to get too personal here, but did she know you were a gamer before she married you? I would assume so but someone had to ask. If she did, pull the trump card: "Hey babe, you married it!" Warning: only say this with a big ****-eating grin on your face else she may take you seriously and file for divorce. I tried to get my wife (girlfriend at the time) to play, and she actually came to a couple sessions and had fun but it's just not her thing. Now, I treat it like golf... something she knows I'm in to but has nothing to do with. Just don't try to play both in the same weekend and you should be fine.
Whisper_Swiftblade 07-14-06, 11:13 AM	the only idea I can think of rigt now is to get her to play fanticy football, from what I have herd of the game peaple put togather teams of peaple who might not even know each other useing statistcs of players to determin what the the outcome of games they play with other made up teams would be. From where I'm standing that's just a short step away from useing your strangth mod to determin the damige your made up charictor does to a made up NPC. Once she is hooked on the football, start noteing the simularities.
tierieanas 07-14-06, 11:19 AM	Tell her you graduated high school already, thank you very much! :P But seriously, did she know you were in to DnD before you were married? It seems like something that would come up. When she said "I do", she accepted that aspect of your life. So she doesn't think that being a Software Engineer is "too nerdy" but playing DnD is? Have you tried getting her to sit in on a game to see what goes on? Is there any hobby she has that you don't care for? If so, let her know and agree to compromise. That's what relationships are about. Besides, she should love you for who you are, not what your hobbies are. If none of this works, tell her Vin Diesel plays DnD (it's true!) and ask if he is too nerdy!
internerdj 07-14-06, 11:28 AM	Software Engineering is nerdy that brings in money. I quit playing before we got married because the people I was playing with weren't too great to be around. I think she may still have that association in her head too, but she won't admit it to me. And I have told her about Vin Diesel. She says when I have a chest like Vin Diesel, I can play again. Anyone have any good analogies of D&D and "cool" hobbies. A friend of mine likes to compare his sessions to gathering with a group of buddies to watch a football game.
Whisper_Swiftblade 07-14-06, 11:29 AM	well I guess one idea is to use peer presure. What you do is get a group of your mutral freinds togather and get them to play. That way she will see that the peaple she conects to the game are poor examples of it, also to use a medifor: when I was young I did not want to learn to swim as the resalt of some unlucky experinces with water, but when I saw all the fun my freinds where having swimming I desided to give it a try. With any luck your wife the "child" in this situation will give D&D the "swimming" of the situation a chance when she sees all her pals doing it.
SoldierOfFortune187 07-14-06, 11:39 AM	My wife has no room to talk : she is a self-professed nerd. She has her time each week to get together with friends and do whatever little outtings and hobbies they have, and by token grants me the same liberties.
TarlSS 07-14-06, 11:40 AM	Talk to her about coding, abstraction and object oriented programming. Then talk to her about D&D. Coding is way nerdier than D&D. Being a nerd is part of your life. Trying to divest you of it would be like divesting you of a pinky toe.
JamesDruidDM 07-14-06, 11:48 AM	If none of this works, tell her Vin Diesel plays DnD (it's true!) and ask if he is too nerdy! yes...yes he is.
smoker 07-14-06, 12:35 PM	Just give her less money to spend.
R2-DS 07-14-06, 12:40 PM	Would there be an issue if your hobby was MMORPG's? If not than you have the knowledge that all MMORPG's and indeed all video game RPG's can trace their origins to those papar and dice games of yon'. Only instead of isolating yourself away at your computer/Xbox/or PS2 you are actually engaging in a social activity that you enjoy. Surely your wife at times will do something similar. It may not be sitting around a table rolling dice, but i'm sure she has friends that she enjoys "hanging" out with. Its not really that far a stretch.
greatamericanfolkhero 07-14-06, 12:46 PM	It sounds like someone needs to start a D&D version of “Dear Abby”.
Ankalagon 07-14-06, 12:51 PM	I don't really know american terminology that well but is this "chess club meets jock"? Feel free to laugh. If so then point out variety is the spice of life and that your personality requires fantasy, creative outlet. Without it true happiness would be a pipe dream. She doesn't have to understand it, just accept it. I know all too well that when your head is messed up from de-bugging you just need to get with the group and roll those dice and escape. My better half just laughs at me but I in turn take the mickey when her and her pals chat about the price of clothes, babies and other (what I consider to be) superficial bollocks. I'd like to know how others deal with the issue of social perception of their gaming. And perhaps some suggestions to warm her up to a great hobby. Water off a ducks back now once I discovered offense could only be taken and chose not to. However when I was younger I went to great lengths to hide the fact I was gamer with some truly outlandish reasons for knowing the difference between a broad sword and a hand-and-a-half sword. If everyone only realised that fantasy games should be part of every childs education and that if left to gamers the world would be better place they wouldn't cast aspersions. Err, by fantasy games I mean rpg's not some deviant S&M. Well I suppose whatever cooks ya goose. Having said that, now I know that muppet Diesel is a gamer I might just quit.
kelvinaw273 07-14-06, 01:21 PM	Well, what can I say? My wife knew I gamed before we married, and joined in. She actually became quite a good player, too. All I can suggest is to challenge her to experience it before she condemns it. Assemble a gaming group of tried and tested players, introduce her and let play ...
smoker 07-14-06, 01:28 PM	Well, what can I say? My wife knew I gamed before we married, and joined in. She actually became quite a good player, too. All I can suggest is to challenge her to experience it before she condemns it. Assemble a gaming group of tried and tested players, introduce her and let play ... She might just be giving him warning signs about checking out nicer pastures. If he has children, then divorce would give her bank and freedom. She may think he is less of a man because he plays D&D. If he is letting his personal health slip, then her attraction to him might be slipping. This is especially true when she hits her 30's. When she is in her prime, she probably doesn't want to be with a guy that doesn't have a great body. I would suggest hitting the gym, building a better body, and playing D&D. Also, pick up some eps of the A-Team. Modern TV has made men more wussies then we have been depicted in the past. And women are more independent. This is why you see a lot of un-married 30+ manly women. You gotta go back to the roots when men were men. The last I saw this was in the 80's. Now, even the major players in movies are women. The action guy has been wiped from the media, and we get Will and Grace instead. And even Starbuck is a woman. We are all doomed! smoker
Ankalagon 07-14-06, 01:31 PM	Define Irony: Advice to hit the gym from a smoker. Sorry, just found that funny.
anarco_rata 07-14-06, 01:33 PM	And I have told her about Vin Diesel. She says when I have a chest like Vin Diesel, I can play again. Then start working out! Well, I had a girlfriend that had the same problem with me playing any rpg... You need to let her know that gaming is part of who you are. She might not like that part, but (I hope) she loves the man that was made by it. if she cares about you she should just stop that stupid taboo some people have with d&d and tolerate your hobby. She has to have a similar hobby you tolerate but hate. Maybe she watches Oprah (or wathever, I don't know what people watch in USA) and you hate it. Point that fact to her and tell her there's no difference. Of course, talking to her about your trip to the dragon's lair and that awesome vorpal sword you got is pushing things a bit to far :P .
smoker 07-14-06, 01:35 PM	Define Irony: Advice to hit the gym from a smoker. Sorry, just found that funny. Why? Because of my nick here? I picked that up in a D&D game for smoking wizard scrolls. I'm a total straight edge in real life. I don't even touch soda. And I work out 4-5 days a week at the gym (35 mintues free weights, 30 minutes cardio). This has the odd affect of making my gf feel insecure with her body. Oh, well. Now, I find out in 30 minutes if I have to go to jury duty.
internerdj 07-14-06, 01:40 PM	Its not about manliness. I'm 6' 175 lbs and can lift and throw people that are double my weight. It is about the social context of hobbies. I could play organized sports if I cared too. But I find them boring. She finds them interesting while thinking my hobbies are boring. It certainly isn't a big enough deal to think about divorce. I have plenty of other hobbies that I enjoy and I share too much with my wife to let a game get between us.
Ankalagon 07-14-06, 01:41 PM	Why? Because of my nick here? I picked that up in a D&D game for smoking wizard scrolls. I'm a total straight edge in real life. I don't even touch soda. And I work out 4-5 days a week at the gym (35 mintues free weights, 30 minutes cardio). This has the odd affect of making my gf feel insecure with her body. Oh, well. Now, I find out in 30 minutes if I have to go to jury duty. Yeah, just the nickname. No offense meant, innocent apsersion. My body is a temple too, I bring offerings of food and wine all the time. In fact my epitaph is gonna read "Here lies Ank'. Makes a change from the couch". Sorry again, just joking.
internerdj 07-14-06, 01:44 PM	Then start working out! Well, I had a girlfriend that had the same problem with me playing any rpg... You need to let her know that gaming is part of who you are. She might not like that part, but (I hope) she loves the man that was made by it. if she cares about you she should just stop that stupid taboo some people have with d&d and tolerate your hobby. She has to have a similar hobby you tolerate but hate. Maybe she watches Oprah (or wathever, I don't know what people watch in USA) and you hate it. Point that fact to her and tell her there's no difference. Of course, talking to her about your trip to the dragon's lair and that awesome vorpal sword you got is pushing things a bit to far :P . This was more what I was looking for with my original post. I've been there and I've done... Maybe not necessarily with you Sign. Other, maybe a friend, or relative or ...
Kapalen 07-14-06, 01:48 PM	Why? Because of my nick here? I picked that up in a D&D game for smoking wizard scrolls. I'm a total straight edge in real life. I don't even touch soda. And I work out 4-5 days a week at the gym (35 mintues free weights, 30 minutes cardio). This has the odd affect of making my gf feel insecure with her body. Oh, well. Now, I find out in 30 minutes if I have to go to jury duty. Yes, because of your nick here, it looked pretty obvious to me that that was the reason.
Brotha_T 07-14-06, 02:18 PM	Anyone have any good analogies of D&D and "cool" hobbies. A friend of mine likes to compare his sessions to gathering with a group of buddies to watch a football game. I make the same analogy myself. Just imagine what it would look like if somebody walked in the room when you were playing. It would just look like a bunch of guys sitting around a table having a good time, and really, that's what D&D is! The next time she does crafts or goes shopping with the girlfriends, draw parallels between that and D&D. She doesn't have to identify with what you are doing while you are sitting around that table, she just has to identify with the spirit of it. I think you got close to answering your own question when you said that maybe she still identifies D&D with this crowd of poeple that she didn't like. Does she personally know the people you play with now? Do they play at your house? Try to break down the misconceptions she may have about the game, and more importantly, the people with which you are playing. Lastly, have you considered that this issue might not be about D&D at all? Ask yourself how D&D effects your relationship with your wife. Maybe she is really just trying to win more attention from you, and the only way she knows how is to attack the activities that she sees as a threat. Do you spent a lot of time away from her playing D&D? When you are home, do you neglect her or chores in favor of D&D? Whatever the reason, this is a major red flag because it indicates one of two things (in my humble opinion): 1.) There is something lacking in your relationship with your wife, and she is using D&D (whether she knows it or not) as a means to communicate that to you. or 2.) Your wife is attempting to control/influence you because she is embarrased about how D&D is perceived by other people, or she just wants a man who conforms to her ideals. The bottom line is this: Your wife doesn't need to like your hobbies or take part in them with you, but she needs to have the love and respect for you to allow you to take part in them. Some people may think that I'm making a big deal out of a little issue, but I think that this little issue is a front for a larger problem. You owe it to yourself and your wife to get to the bottom of it. Best wishes.
Victor_Phoenix 07-14-06, 02:49 PM	Social context hmmmm... Well sadley i believe this kind of closed minded bollocks is the down fall of socitity. But I am not here to bash your girlfriend. First way to get her to see it your is to tell her "Honey, I like Dungeons and Dragons, I am a nerd! you know this Hell I work as a progammer, if there was something you enjoyed and I didn't Would it be at all fair if I didn't listen and talk with about it? I would try to understand it and why you like it then make my decions on it." Nod your head and give here that longing stare" I am not asking for you to play with me. I just enjoy it." If that dosen't work tell her with a stern voice " I am going to be playing but not over here." If that dosen't work " WOMAN!! Listen here we are not in high school any more I am Playing and thats Finally." And if still she persists, " HEY WHO WEARS THE PANT IN HERE HUH? WHO PAYS THE FRAGGIN BILLS HUH?!?THIS NERD SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I TAKE YOUR CREDIT CARD AWAY AND CHAIN YOU TO THE BED!!!" And still Dragging her body down the side walk in a trash bag, " Baby why you go and make me hit you? I didn't want to but you made me. Ohh god why?!?! " :D In all honesty just treat it as you would just another hobby. And if she has problems with it tough *******.
olshanski_home 07-14-06, 02:50 PM	Perhaps it would be more appropriate for you to do more "manly" things: Find an old motorcycle to fix up. Bring it in the living room and take it apart there. get roaring drunk and slap her up a bit. Go to strip clubs. leave the toilet seat up. That way your wife can be assured that you are not a nerd.
Sereno 07-14-06, 02:50 PM	Personally, I find a bunch of guys sitting on a couch together yelling and screaming about what another bunch of guys is doing with a ball to be every bit as ridiculous -- scratch that, MORE ridiculous -- than sitting around a table and shouting "A 20! It's a critical!! That orc is DEAD!!" :) You mentioned, "For me there is no difference in the nerdiness of being able to spout off the stats of some random sports star and being able to spout off the rules for some obscure monster from Dragon Mag, but to her there is a great difference." Have a talk with her and get her to really explain this bit of oddness. Knowing sports scores and stats and playing fantasy football is every bit as nerdy as DnD. If she can't come up with a better argument about why it's different than, "'Cause it is!" You've probably got some room to change her mind. Also, start hitting the weights. :) Getting in shape is never a bad thing, and it will show your wife that you at least care what she has to say, even if you don't completely agree with it. If she sees you moving "her direction" she might be inclined to move in "your direction." Marriage ... the contract that's constantly being re-negotiated.
FeceMan 07-14-06, 02:54 PM	She says when I have a chest like Vin Diesel, I can play again. Snap.
Brotha_T 07-14-06, 03:03 PM	And still Dragging her body down the side walk in a trash bag, " Baby why you go and make me hit you? I didn't want to but you made me. Ohh god why?!?! " This is a man's wife you're talking about, dude. Show some class.
FeceMan 07-14-06, 03:14 PM	This is a man's wife you're talking about, dude. Show some class. Oh, please. Get over it. This is the Internet--and a forum to boot. There is no class here (except for maybe wizard, paladin, etc.).
Psychoticpsymon 07-14-06, 03:34 PM	Alright, I'm gonna be coarse and rude with these questions. A warning and sblock in advance Is she unintelligent? Can you sit her down and have a talk with her or will she just stick to guns that don't really exist? (Social perceptions) Is she being a major pain about this or is this just something she doesn't like you talking about? Is it really causing a disruption? If she can't budge on this issue dude... I don't know how this can be a good relationship, huh? I mean, isn't love about acceptance? sorry in advance.
internerdj 07-14-06, 04:00 PM	Alright, I'm gonna be coarse and rude with these questions. A warning and sblock in advance Is she unintelligent? Can you sit her down and have a talk with her or will she just stick to guns that don't really exist? (Social perceptions) Is she being a major pain about this or is this just something she doesn't like you talking about? Is it really causing a disruption? If she can't budge on this issue dude... I don't know how this can be a good relationship, huh? I mean, isn't love about acceptance? sorry in advance. Nope she's not unintelligent, but if she digs into a stand on an issue she won't budge (something I knew before I married her.) She isn't being a major pain about it. And since I haven't played a game in years it really isn't a disruption. I'd more like her to see my point of view on it than anything. I would like her to see that the social perceptions of activities (that are moral, ethical, ...) is a silly thing that should be left in high school.
Ankalagon 07-14-06, 04:24 PM	Just out of interest which couple phase would you say you're in? Phase 1) Sh*ts and giggles. Briefly being "Oh my, everything's new and wonderful. I don't care if you eat with you're fingers from the floor or drink from the milk bottle. You're great. Hello Mr. Bluebird, isn't it a beautiful day." Phase 2) Bugger me, you have foibles. Briefly being "I didn't know you squeeze toothpaste from the middle of the tube. You smack your lips when eat cornflakes." Phase 3) Whew, You're Ok really. Briefly being "We're over the worst bit. You are just human. Hey d'ya know what, I think we've got a shot. We're not gonna be a statistic" Phase 4) I'm truly happy. Briefly being "We're pals." That's a brief synopsis, no time element to each and it's not exhaustive but you get the gist. If you're anywhere near phase 2, take care. You have to stand your ground but when dealing with lasses that ground can be illusory terrain.
RecycledDM 07-14-06, 04:43 PM	intererdj, Man, the situation you describe might be a mirror of opposition encounter compared with mine. (I hope that statement establishes my 'nerd cred'.) I am a nerd with a nerdy (but good-paying) science job, whose main hobbies are disassembling and reassembling things, gaming, and tinkering with the computer. My wife, on the other hand, is a charity volunteer, golfer, swimmer, ball-player, pub-games expert, and a Chicago Irish, lifetime Cubs and Bears fan who can tell you any football or baseball team or player stat going back to the mid-'50's. One of her most prized possession is a videotape of the 1985 Bears Super Bowl win (her mother scrimped and saved for months to buy a VCR--1985 prices, remember--just to tape that game). Oh, and I forgot to mention, she's never wrong. About anything. Ever. Just ask her! :D She didn't know I was a gamer when we met...it just never came up while we were dating. She has unsavory memories of the folks she knew in high school who gamed, and that prejudice has carried from the time she "discovered" this about me right up to the present. I once tried to combine her love of sports with my love of all things geeky by asking her to join my fantasy football league...that was a total disaster. I once had her sit in on a D&D session, and that kept her attention for all of about 5 minutes. Luckily, we do share love for our kids, and the love of music, food, travel, and a good pint! (And I do like to watch football; it's like a life-sized wargame!) Now my son and nephew are getting into D&D; my wife isn't exactly 100% in favor of that, but I respect her wishes by limiting their sessions to 2-3 hours every two weeks and not letting it interfere with the kids' other activities. Heck, the kids have interests that neither one of us can understand, but that doesn't make us love them any less! Differences in taste and interests shouldn't really matter that much, as long as you have some things in common, and some basic ground rules between you. When I married my wife, she laid down 5 simple "don'ts": 1. Don't hit me 2. Don't lie to me 3. Don't cheat on me 4. Don't bring the work home with you 5. Don't drink the wages Otherwise, I can do whatever I please. So for 12 years I've followed the "commandments," and we've accepted and respected each others' differences. We make time to do things we enjoy in common. I don't bore her about D&D or my other hobbies, but I don't pretend they're not important to me. And when her mother comes over and they get to talking about how many sacks Butkus had, or how many yards Payton got in whichever season, I just go off and do my my own thing. You don't say how long you've been married, but you've got to get the ground rules laid down (if you haven't already). That way you can both see things in the context of the bigger perspective, and determine whether whatever issue you're having is really so important.
Spabio The Great 07-14-06, 04:49 PM	2.) Your wife is attempting to control/influence you because she is embarrased about how D&D is perceived by other people, or she just wants a man who conforms to her ideals. I'm pretty sure BrothaT hit the nail on the head here, at least, as I see the situation. It's a damn shame that people still have a problem with social percetptions, but they do, and this situation sounds like one where your wife, internerdj, wants to accept the fact that you are a gaming dork, but can't really bring herself to do it because of the social "stigma" associated with a game like D&D. Sadly, that stigma is the fault of women in the first place (and this is only MOSTLY true, so I don't want to get flamed by any women who might read this), because since they are the ones that hold the sexual power, and are the ones who will choose who they will have a relationship with....and because men still outnumber women slightly, they get to have the pick of the litter. Because of this, they all play their little social assignment games when they are young making men like a lot of those of us who play D&D into the kind of person they can't be seen with, for some reason or another. (forgetting of course the simple fact that from a breeding standpoint, in this day and age, dorks are better suited for survival that anyoen else) For some odd reason, as women get older, they don't really ever progress out of the social assignments they all made when they were 14, and so they still think that people who are dorks are bad people, and the women who even accept that this was a stupid belief still have a lot of friends who believe it, so even they stay away from the "less desirable" guys, since women have the other odd qualitiy of caring far too much what others say. Meh....that's why I'll never understand women..... Spabio :behold:
MrPlatos 07-14-06, 04:50 PM	man I've got two words for you. Poker night. It's one night a week a bunch of guys sit around a table, drinking, and doing mental mathmatics to try to outsmart one another. Sound familiar? Sub in Dice for cards, and tell her it's guy's night. However, as has been stated by several of the folks on this particular thread, introducing someone, up close and personal, to it, has worked in th past. My Ex, (ex because she cheated, not because of game) is now a gamer, who used to pick on me mercilessly for geeking it up on monday nights. Besides, it seems like it's become a moot point. If she won't listen, you're not obligated to explain.
solbergb 07-14-06, 06:40 PM	I can't help much here. I met my wife in a game I ran over the internet, before there was a web ("rec.games.frp - starting a play by email game") It doesn't get more nerdy than that I guess. But I actually get "husband points" for arranging games, rather than needing to spend them to play games. Life is good :) As for why many women think gamers are immature or socially unacceptable...well...a startling number of women have either been in this situation or have heard a story by another woman who was put in this situation: "Oh yeah, I tried D&D, and my character was instantly raped and made pregnant . Plus the guy to my left only talked to my breasts and the guy on the right kept interrupting anything I said." Now that's not an unusual situation in ANY teenaged situation involving guys and girls, but it may be the only GAMER situation they've experienced. Try not to be part of the problem. If you reintroduce them, try to have folks who aren't stupid about interacting with women at the table, and especially the DM needs to be able to interact normally with women and enforce everyone being treated with respect.
devinmdp 07-14-06, 08:11 PM	I frankly think it is pathetic that your wife is so superficial to get bent out of shape that you have a "nerdy" hobby. Tell her to take a look around her and see husbands cheating on their wives, can't get a job, being alcoholics, beating their wives, etc and THEN he will see what a real problem is. As for me, I wouldn't give a woman that superficial the time of day! I hope she's good in the bedroom. Devin
Keira 07-14-06, 08:25 PM	internerdj... not sure if I can help, but being a wife who games along with her husband, I can let you know there are plenty of games my husband plays with his friends that I think are completely boring and 'nerdy'. Luckily D&D isn't one of them. My husband works long hours and games (at the time I started playing), two nights a week too. I figured D&D was the only thing I was interested in so in order to spend some time with him, I started to play. I found out I loved it and now 'make' him go the weeks he doesn't want to. I thought ALL the games he played were nerdy and spent a lot of energy trying to get him to 'grow up'. Well now that I'm a little older, I think D&D and other games are actually a lot of fun. I guess my point is either something will 'make' your wife realize that D&D isn't 'nerdy' like what happened in my situation, or she'll never change her mind. My advice is don't waste a lot of time trying to get her to change her mind. The next time she rolls her eyes or make some comment about D&D try and talk to her again. If she doesn't budge, then stoop to her level...the next time she starts talking about sports roll YOUR eyes and make comments. Either both of you will laugh, or at least hopefully you'll agree to disagree.
Kresalak 07-14-06, 09:35 PM	intererdj, Man, the situation you describe might be a mirror of opposition encounter compared with mine. (I hope that statement establishes my 'nerd cred'.) We don't use creds here. Our currency is gold pieces. I'm sorry for that.
AaronDireBear 07-15-06, 01:44 AM	You gotta make it up to her, man! Give her sweet loving and show her that D&D players can be romantic. Get a bottle of red wine, and a Barry WHite CD. Tell her how much ya love her and ho wmuch you just want her to feel good. Then do your thing. Just let her know that if youre playing games with youre buddies, you aint carousing, getting drunk or having affairs. Whisper softly, and sing along with Mister White if you feel like it. JUst get the mood right. After you've satisfied her many times over she probably will be too mellow to complain anymore and willa ccept you for who you are.
BrokenClock 07-15-06, 09:16 AM	Listen, D&D is a nerdy game by popular culture standards. All people who play D&D have some geek inside of them. But, who cares? I find it odd that your wife would not want you to play just because something is un-cool. I thought most of that stuff died in highschool. I can see why she wouldn't want you to talk about it to her. Mind you, I'm evil, so the second she mentions anything about something that I'm not interested in...she is going to hear about it. D&D is geeky and is nothing like a bunch of guys playing poker or playing fantasy football. Unless while playing poker you play some sort of pro player or in football you don't just pick your players, you ARE your players. That would be funny to see. But hey, just remember, Vin Dieselis D&Ds number 1 fan.
Grunj 07-15-06, 09:41 AM	This is a great forum to come to for advice on gaming. I'm not so sure it's the place to come to for marriage counseling. My wife is okay with my gaming. It's about four hours every other week. Most of the group are old friends from high school (18 years ago). She is less sanguine about some of those friends, but we have an agreement that I don't bring them home. I'd have to say that D&D is a better use of time for husbands than the other perennial guy favorite; internet porn. D&D may not be "popular" but it's far from the bottom of the hobby barrel.
Aeolus91 07-15-06, 10:24 AM	I have a similar situation, but not quite as bad. My girlfriend is major, major christian. I am an irreligious Jew, which is NOT so good with her parents. Also, apparently (I think this is a HUGE load of ****) her mom's roommate in college committed suicide because of playing D&D [/loadofshit]. So it's kind of an unspoken rule that I never mention D&D when around her family, who already hate me cuz of my religion. Fun stuff, huh? Also, dude you're married! She can't "dump" you. Tell her "lissen I play D&D, and that's just what I do. You do stuff that seems weird to me (does she shop for shoes?), I can have hobbies that seem strange also. I'll stop playing D&D if you stop clothes shopping" Threatening the clothes shopping is one of those things that can turn on those "hulk" hormones though, so if she starts turning huge and green and starts ripping your head off while you're talking, you MAY wish to run. As fast as humanly possible. Semi-helpful advice from ME! Rawr! :dragon:
Psychoticpsymon 07-15-06, 12:12 PM	commit suicide because of d&d? Boy, and I thought MY girlfriend's family was nutty.
AaronDireBear 07-15-06, 12:24 PM	If vin diesel is such a roleplayer, why cant he apply his roleplaying skills to his acting?
Bob Loblaw 07-15-06, 03:29 PM	Here are two articles that she may want to read: http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/317296p-271224c.html http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1532839
Aeolus91 07-15-06, 03:55 PM	Whether you have a button that needs pushing or a joystick that needs joy, a geek is the person for the job. A joystick that needs joy. Funniest. Quote. Ever. Sigged immediately of course. Rawr! :dragon:
Varek 07-15-06, 05:16 PM	I told my girlfriend "d&d is like beeing part of a great book/movie, while hanging out with mates" she did not understand my other copious explanations :D. every other explanation ended with "so you sit at a table rolling dices" and then she was laughing. But she is great and never says anything when im at a dnd session.
Psychoticpsymon 07-15-06, 08:42 PM	Here are two articles that she may want to read: http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/317296p-271224c.html http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1532839 Those could totally backfire, if you catch my drift ^.^ Nothing being assumed here, I'm just sayin :eek:
WizO_Cat 07-16-06, 01:08 AM	This is my humble opinion of the situation: The perception of D&D as "nerdy": There's really not much that you can do about that since frankly it has 30 years of experience to get to it. Hey, they bring D&D up in TV shows and movies, and it usually is assigned to some sort of geeky activity. Besides, the opinion is built by all of society, and I doubt that you have the time to convince everyone in the world that D&D is "cool." So, with that in mind, what to do: Ok, I think that your wife can appreciate your nerdiness and recognize it in your activities. I'm thinking that if she was hung up on anything nerdy, I doubt that she would have gotten hooked up with a software engineer, right? Thus, the one thing that you need to convey is that being a nerd/geek isn't that you vigorously try to find activities that are nerdy: it is because you vigorously try to find activites that are fun to do, even if the activity may not seem to be popular, and the reason why you do these fun activities is that it makes you happy. Hey, I kind of know the position that you are in. During college, I put my books in storage with my father. Thus, after going to college, I got a job and moved out of state, eventually meeting a nice woman in the town that I currently live in and marrying her. In comes my father reminding me that his house is not a storage area and thus shipped my books back to me. Lo and behold, I was once again reintroduced to my D&D books. Yep, while dating, my wife had no idea that I played D&D and after marriage I got back in the hobby. Now, the game is really her cup of tea (and is very socially conscience by the way), but she appreciates it that the game makes me happy since she knows part of the reason why she married me is that I'm not stuck up on my perception to others and thus do activites that "may not elevate my social status", so to speak. It's a wild guess, but I'm will to bet that your wife probably has the same perception as well. Best of luck in your endeavor.
albinomonkeyking 07-16-06, 04:10 AM	Well, I don't think it's as big a deal as some people are perceiving, (no offense, just saying) it just seems like you want her to understand you a little better. To put it simply, this is what I told my girlfriend and other friends who asked about it: Do you sit around with your friends? Is it fun? Ok, same thing, we just have a silly little game we play. To be honest that is all it is to me, I mean yeah I get caught up in it and arguments break out and all that junk but at the core it's just me and my friends having a good time. If you can remember a time you were laughing so hard you couldn't continue playing then that's probably what it is for you. Just try to explain that, some guys hang out and drink, some bowl, some play poker. You play D&D.
Psychoticpsymon 07-16-06, 10:21 AM	[snip]Just try to explain that, some guys hang out and drink, some bowl, some play poker. You play D&D. I like that one. I feel bad that I can't use that on my gf because she plays with me :dancin:
Reversefigure4 07-18-06, 12:12 AM	Also, dude you're married! She can't "dump" you. Tell her "lissen I play D&D, and that's just what I do. You do stuff that seems weird to me (does she shop for shoes?), I can have hobbies that seem strange also. I'll stop playing D&D if you stop clothes shopping" It's called "divorce". It's like being dumped, only she takes your house, your children, and 1/2 of all your future income from that point on. Ah, marriage.
TheMeanOne 07-18-06, 01:22 AM	I'd never played DnD in my life before I met my girlfriend, we're been together about 5 years and she got me hooked. The upside of your situation (and the downside of my girlfriends) is be happy that your wife doesn't mess up the order of your DnD books!
Starchaserva 07-18-06, 01:42 PM	Isn't it funny that you always get women who complain about being held down in society, yet when it comes to divorce they're always the ones that seem to clean up the most? Rarely do those seem to go well for the guy. Anyway, that's not the point I've been playing D&D for a long time, much longer than I've known my girlfriend. Before she met me, she had only heard of D&D. She thinks I'm a huge nerd, but admits that she herself is one, just not the gaming kind. She's read the DMG and the PHB cover to cover, as well as a few of the novels, and she enjoyed them. She says that she would be interested in playing, but she doesn't have the time nor the patience for some of the marathon games that I'm involved in. What I did is exactly what happened her, she was a little put off at first, until I showed her the good side of my gaming, ie how creative it helps me be, and how its a good way to interact with my friends, and even letting off a little steam. She's looked over the book, sat in on a few games, and was eventually won over. A truly understanding and accepting girl would not only put up with it, but try to get involved in at least some way (she bought me a couple of D&D novels for my last birthday) About the commiting suicide thing...there were actually a few cases of people who played D&D commiting suicide, but it was never as a direct result of the game itself. There was this urban legend of this major loser (who belongs on the worst player list if ever anyone did) who used to go into some sewer tunnels to LARP D&D with his friends, and they all suffocated because of gas in the tunnels. The story actually, is true, there was a severly depressed and maladjusted guy, who did in fact play D&D who killed himself in college, in one such tunnel. You know how the media is, and especially parents, they hear one story like that, and then it becomes and epidemic, cause they blow it out of proportions and start jumping to conclusions. I have known a few legit freaks who have played, even one or two slightly suicidal ones, over the years, but you can find people like that in every walk of life, its just that people like to lump them in with nerds and gamers
AmanitaEata 07-18-06, 02:54 PM	And I have told her about Vin Diesel. She says when I have a chest like Vin Diesel, I can play again. HAhahah HA ha Ah HA hAA HHAHAHAHHA ahah ahah AH AH aha ahhahahaha hahHA AHHAHA hah ah HA HAHah ah hAHAHAHahh aH Aha HH AHah aHAH ah ahha hAhahah HAHH HAaaaa!!! Your wife sounds hilarious! If it weren't for the fact that she's an insecure, shallow, vain little thing, I'd say she sounds like a good time to be around.
necrom99 07-18-06, 03:10 PM	Actually she's right on the money! I never let anyone speak to me about D&D or RPG's or whatever in public. Only in private and only between me and my players, or players of other games......and NEVER in earshot of a woman who doesn't play! regardless of how "cool" with it she might be! I happen to be popular and "cool" and everyone knows that if you play D&D you loose like 150 coolness points, and seem much less attractive to women.....I don't even tell my friends who don't know, when we game I say something like i'm having a small get together, or having some people over, were takin it easy prolly play a board game or whatever.........I can definetly see why your wife is uncool with it.....because socially it IS "uncool" just remember that if she's asked why your not out on a gaming nite and she is, she probably lies about what your doing.....my girlfriends do.....IF they know what i'm doing....
albinomonkeyking 07-18-06, 05:02 PM	I played with a guy like you necrom99, he wouldn't tell anyone about his 'secret' life with us. So when he was on the phone with his girlfriend we all begin screaming things like, "I crit with my +1 bastard sword!" "Oh no, the evil wood elf wizard!" He was extremely upset.......wanna play some time? :)
Morrowner 07-18-06, 06:22 PM	What a load of crap. You said you haven't even played Dungeons and Dragons in years and you just like to discuss it, right? Its not like its taking time away from her or anything. Tell her quite frankly that she is being irrational and is making a mountain out of a molehill. You said you're 6' and can lift twice your body weight which is definately fit and not conforming to the geek stereotype. Sounds to me like this isn't about role-playing or "geekiness". I'd get her to open up about it with something like "This ain't about Dungeons & Dragons, is it?"
anarco_rata 07-18-06, 07:00 PM	Actually she's right on the money! I never let anyone speak to me about D&D or RPG's or whatever in public. Only in private and only between me and my players, or players of other games......and NEVER in earshot of a woman who doesn't play! regardless of how "cool" with it she might be! I happen to be popular and "cool" and everyone knows that if you play D&D you loose like 150 coolness points, and seem much less attractive to women.....I don't even tell my friends who don't know, when we game I say something like i'm having a small get together, or having some people over, were takin it easy prolly play a board game or whatever.........I can definetly see why your wife is uncool with it.....because socially it IS "uncool" just remember that if she's asked why your not out on a gaming nite and she is, she probably lies about what your doing.....my girlfriends do.....IF they know what i'm doing.... So you lie to your girlfriends just so you can keep your "cool points"? Well, in my book that's a lot "un-cooler" than playing d&d. I MIGHT be a lttile biased. I don't understand some people obsession with "coolnes". You are what you are, and other people's opinion won't change that no matter what. Is stupid to hide your real self from people, that way you won't have any real friends at the long run. All my friends (both female and male) and all of my girlfriends (not that I have many, I've just had more than one) know that I play d&d (and others). Some of them have no idea about what the game is. Some of them have gotten into it after I show them, and some of them think it's stupid and a waste of time. And yet they still are my friends. Funny how true friendship works, huh?
kelvinaw273 07-18-06, 07:03 PM	About the commiting suicide thing...there were actually a few cases of people who played D&D commiting suicide, but it was never as a direct result of the game itself. There was this urban legend of this major loser (who belongs on the worst player list if ever anyone did) who used to go into some sewer tunnels to LARP D&D with his friends, and they all suffocated because of gas in the tunnels. The story actually, is true, there was a severly depressed and maladjusted guy, who did in fact play D&D who killed himself in college, in one such tunnel. You know how the media is, and especially parents, they hear one story like that, and then it becomes and epidemic, cause they blow it out of proportions and start jumping to conclusions. I have known a few legit freaks who have played, even one or two slightly suicidal ones, over the years, but you can find people like that in every walk of life, its just that people like to lump them in with nerds and gamers A long while back somebody compiled the statistics of the number of gamers claimed to have committed suicide by BADD and the averages for people of their age group together with the total number of that age group estimated to be playing D&D. The results were statistically significant ... that D&D prevents teen suicides!
Some_call_me_Tim 07-18-06, 07:39 PM	And I have told her about Vin Diesel. She says when I have a chest like Vin Diesel, I can play again.Tell her, "When you have a chest like Pamela Anderson, I might not care." :gah: So what, it's considered nerdy. I have to agree with a previous poster, I left High School a long time ago. Is she afraid someone will find out your a...a...a...gamer!!! :OMG! I have to say that is what I like about most gamers is that accept you for who you are and don't give a hoot about your socio-economic class or whether they think you are 'cool'. We game with everyone from high-school and college students, to a former latin professor, a nurse, a lawyer, a used-car salesman, a politician, a stay-at-home dad, Air Force personnel, a prison adminstrator, a biology researcher, an interior designer, a social worker, an IT manager, a UPS driver, a call center worker, a secretary, an engineer (me), and a lot I never even bothered to ask.
necrom99 07-18-06, 10:32 PM	So you lie to your girlfriends just so you can keep your "cool points"? Well, in my book that's a lot "un-cooler" than playing d&d. I MIGHT be a lttile biased. I don't understand some people obsession with "coolnes". You are what you are, and other people's opinion won't change that no matter what. Is stupid to hide your real self from people, that way you won't have any real friends at the long run. All my friends (both female and male) and all of my girlfriends (not that I have many, I've just had more than one) know that I play d&d (and others). Some of them have no idea about what the game is. Some of them have gotten into it after I show them, and some of them think it's stupid and a waste of time. And yet they still are my friends. Funny how true friendship works, huh? i'm gonna buy you a t-shirt with a big pink D4 on it that says "openly Gamer"
necrom99 07-18-06, 10:38 PM	I played with a guy like you necrom99, he wouldn't tell anyone about his 'secret' life with us. So when he was on the phone with his girlfriend we all begin screaming things like, "I crit with my +1 bastard sword!" "Oh no, the evil wood elf wizard!" He was extremely upset.......wanna play some time? :) If it wasn't for the fact that you live in california and are a giant monkey.....I would put money that you were already part of my gaming group......You'll also get a T-shirt.....see my previous post....Except yours will be monkey size
Necrosis 07-19-06, 08:15 AM	Absolutly been there with my wife and Dnd, we came up with some rules/stratgies 1) NEVER play DnD in ear shot or view or your other half 2) Consider Dnd a minor vice. Of all the regular social passtimes I could have with a group of guys DnD is so much better than many of the alternatives e.g. weekly visits to strip clubs, weekly guys only poker games, professional beer drinking. You won't bring something nasty home to your bed by playing Dnd 3) Life exsits outside Dnd-only try talking dnd stuff to other Dnd players 4) fianlly, If you do convince her to try Dnd. Run an all girl game its a social game, girls a remarable good at it! Mixed gender parties tend not to work well.
necrom99 07-19-06, 02:26 PM	Absolutly been there with my wife and Dnd, we came up with some rules/stratgies 1) NEVER play DnD in ear shot or view or your other half 2) Consider Dnd a minor vice. Of all the regular social passtimes I could have with a group of guys DnD is so much better than many of the alternatives e.g. weekly visits to strip clubs, weekly guys only poker games, professional beer drinking. You won't bring something nasty home to your bed by playing Dnd 3) Life exsits outside Dnd-only try talking dnd stuff to other Dnd players 4) fianlly, If you do convince her to try Dnd. Run an all girl game its a social game, girls a remarable good at it! Mixed gender parties tend not to work well. ummm those alternatives you chose, are....for lack of a better term, perfect. so no, D&D can be considered a less expensive alternative to those......I for one only run mixed Gender campaigns....makes the whole thing alot more interesting.......you'll also get a T-shirt (see my previous post)
Magnus Magus 07-19-06, 04:23 PM	If she doesn't like you talking about DnD around her, don't talk DnD around her. I know my wife won't understand, but at least she gives me the space and time to get it out of my system and is not overdemanding of my time. When it's time for the two of you, make it about the two of you. When it's time for you to pursue individual interests, sate your inner geek and attack the darkness. *This is coming from a guy who went to a gaming store to pick up a book the same day he got married.
necrom99 07-19-06, 06:25 PM	If she doesn't like you talking about DnD around her, don't talk DnD around her. I know my wife won't understand, but at least she gives me the space and time to get it out of my system and is not overdemanding of my time. When it's time for the two of you, make it about the two of you. When it's time for you to pursue individual interests, sate your inner geek and attack the darkness. *This is coming from a guy who went to a gaming store to pick up a book the same day he got married. Thats Amazing......you cant be serious....but your right though....there's a time and place for everything
WizO_Cat 07-19-06, 06:42 PM	Tell her, "When you have a chest like Pamela Anderson, I might not care." :gah: My wife got a good laugh on this one.* * = Recommend consultation with a good divorce lawyer before saying. :D
High Octane 07-19-06, 07:32 PM	"Would you rather I went to a smelly bar and watched football slamming down 'brewskies' screaming "DEFENSE DEFENSE!!!" dressed in nothing but jeans and team colors and driving home drunk then abusing you in frustration since I didnt live out my dream of being a football star? IS THAT COOL ENOUGH FOR YOU??"
anarco_rata 07-19-06, 09:38 PM	i'm gonna buy you a t-shirt with a big pink D4 on it that says "openly Gamer" L size, please, and send it trough FedEx or something, otherwise, it won't reach me.
Morrowner 07-19-06, 11:29 PM	I just want to restate my original point: A fit person who hasn't played in years getting the business for being a "geek" has bigger issues than Dungeons and Dragons. I don't think this is about Dungeons and Dragons at all. And whats with this "coolness" obsession? Shouldn't coolness concerns go out the window past 12th grade or marriage, whichever comes first? The vows are "till death do us part" not "till you embarass me in front of my ***** friends and cost me "coolness points."
Kresalak 07-19-06, 11:58 PM	i'm gonna buy you a t-shirt with a big pink D4 on it that says "openly Gamer" Can I get a buttoned version? Y'know, the kind you wear with a tie and whatnot.
Apollo's Lyre 07-20-06, 12:17 AM	i'm gonna buy you a t-shirt with a big pink D4 on it that says "openly Gamer" I'd get you one too, but if you had a shirt like that, Necrom, you'd be too scared to come out of your closet wearing it. :D Do you have any baby-doll tee versions of that? We openly gamer females need some recognition, too. And while I've never known anyone who hides their D&D playing (I play at a table in the cafeteria after school), I do know a couple girls who lie about being Gir Scouts (which makes them look pretty darn silly when cookie season comes around, let me tell you). They just referred to it as their "special group." But that backfired, too. Everyone assumed the "special group" was some sort of lesbian club.
Kresalak 07-20-06, 12:22 AM	Do you have any baby-doll tee versions of that? We openly gamer females need some recognition, too. I first read that as "openly female gamers". That so needs to be made into a t-shirt.
Apollo's Lyre 07-20-06, 12:51 AM	I first read that as "openly female gamers". That so needs to be made into a t-shirt. :rofl: It sure does. I feel sorry for all the gmaers who are closetedly female, though.