Jokes about the races in the game [Archive] - Wizards Community

Jokes about the races in the game [Archive] - Wizards Community

Post/Author/DateTime Post
Revan54115110
04-05-08, 11:25 PM Ok I think most of us have read the one on goblins and this one is open season on all the races that are in the game.
(Note: I do believe that racism is not right, but when it comes to fictional races i am willing to view open to the humour that it may contain)

You can kill two dragons if you were to put a bag of gold or gems in between them they would fight to the death,

Well i forgot were i herd the this one but i is my personal favourite two jokes about goblins
1. Throw 1 goblin in to a pit of lava you are fixing a problem,
Throw 100 goblins in to a pit of lava you are fixing a problem
Throw 10000 goblin in to a pit of lava you are fixing a problem
Throw the goblin race in to a pit of lava problem solved

2. How wins when a rabid owl bear attacks a goblin village
Everybody the goblins die and the owl bear dies of food poisoning
darkneolink
04-06-08, 02:34 AM a goblin walks into a bar
the halfing laughs
Mad_Jack
04-06-08, 02:45 AM So... An elf, a dwarf and a ranger walk into the Riddermark - stop me if you've seen this movie....
MacrossSD
04-06-08, 02:57 AM Q. How many Tinker Gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 3: One to identify the problem, one to build the contraption to screw the bulb in, the third to build the contraption that'll rebuild the room.

A human, an elf and a orc are all fishing out on a boat in the middle of the river. Soon, the human feels the "call of nature" He says "Excuse me for a moment," and walks on top of the water to the shore. Soon the elf feels the same urges and she excuses herself and walks on top of the water to shore. After a while, the orc decides to join them. He clambers out of the boat, splashes into the water and is swept away by the current.
The elf looks at the human and asks: "D'ya think we should've told him about the rocks by the boat?" :rimshot:

Q. How many Kender does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. OOOOOOH...SHINY!
Mad_Jack
04-06-08, 03:41 AM A half-orc walks into a bar in Sharn, high up in one of the towers. He sits down and starts drinking. After he's had a few, he happens to overhear somebody say, "I'm telling you, I can do it! Anybody can - you just jump out the window of this bar and you can fly around the whole tower three times..."
He looks over and sees this tall, blonde handsome guy in plate armor standing at the end of the bar, talking to a small group of warforged.

The man says it again, "If you jump out the window of this bar, you can fly around the tower three times, then land safely down on the street below."

Intrigued, the half-orc walks over and thumps him on the shoulder, and asks in a slurred voice, "How th' hell can ya fly around th' tower by jumpin out th' window?"

The blond man says, "It's really very simple, friend. You see, this part of Sharn is very crowded, and all those tall buildings funnel the wind around this tower so fast that if anybody jumps out the window, the wind will carry them all the way around the tower three times before they land nice and soft on the street outside. It's perfectly safe, I've done it a hundred times."

The half-orc, drunk as he is, still isn't sure, so he says," Oh yeah, well letsh shee ya do it then..."

And to his amazement, the tall blonde guy jumps up onto the window ledge, waves at him, and hurls himself out into the air. Rushing over to the window, the half-orc sees the man gracefully spin three times around the tower as he descends, then suddenly slow to a stop mere feet from the ground and drift down to land on his feet.

The half-orc thinks, gods, that's incredible! As the blonde man walks back into the bar, the half-orc runs up to him and says, "Hey, you gotsta show me how ta do that!"

The man walks him over to the window ledge and helps him up onto it. He tells the half-orc, "Now, my friend, the trick is that you just have to believe strongly enough, and hold your arms out like wings. Oh, and lean a little to the left."

The half-orc jumps out of the window, yelling, "I can fly!!!", and proceeds to fall all twenty stories straight down to the ground.

The tall blonde man walks back to the bar and begins sipping his drink again.

The bartender looks over at him and says, "Ya know, Federic, for an Aasimar, you're a real ********..."

:D :D :D :D
CrimsonDeath
04-06-08, 07:42 AM Q. How many Tinker Gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 3: One to identify the problem, one to build the contraption to screw the bulb in, the third to build the contraption that'll rebuild the room.

A human, an elf and a orc are all fishing out on a boat in the middle of the river. Soon, the human feels the "call of nature" He says "Excuse me for a moment," and walks on top of the water to the shore. Soon the elf feels the same urges and she excuses herself and walks on top of the water to shore. After a while, the orc decides to join them. He clambers out of the boat, splashes into the water and is swept away by the current.
The elf looks at the human and asks: "D'ya think we should've told him about the rocks by the boat?" :rimshot:

Q. How many Kender does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. OOOOOOH...SHINY!

Q: How many gully dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. No more than two.
Authw8
04-06-08, 12:04 PM What do you call 7 goblins buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.
Yadot
04-06-08, 12:22 PM An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf are all using the privy.
After the Human is done he goes to the trough and splashes water all over his hands saying, "My mother always taught me to wash my hands after useing the bathroom."
After the Elf is done he goes to the trough and dips his hands into the water saying, "My mother always taught me to conserve are natural resources."
After the Dwarf is done he leaves the bathroom saying, "My mother always taught me not to **** on my hands."

Edit: It seems WotC objects to the more sibilant version of pee
Sunic_Flames
04-06-08, 01:19 PM Regarding Orcs:

But orcs? Orcs arent known for keeping their hands off anything, for any reason. Any age, any sex, any race, dead, alive, animal, vegetable, mineral, construct, its all the same to them. There are more orc/elf, orc/dwarf, orc/sheep, orc/fencepost, orc/rutabaga, orc/couch, orc/slow-witted tree crossbreeds out there than any other race on the planet. There are even some orc/orc crossbreeds, when times are desperate. Even dragons havent managed to hump as many different things as orcs, and lord knows theyve been trying, if the splat books are any indication
Entropy_Judge
04-06-08, 05:57 PM I believe Varia is the OP for Sunic_Flames's post.

That said ... old joke:
An elf, a human, and a dwarf are sitting at a bar, when each notices a fly is in there drink. The elf demands a new drink and the human fishes the fly out of his drink before continuing drinking. The dwarf, however, fishes the fly out and begins screaming "Spit it out!" at the fly.

... I almost certainly mauled that one horribly, but I was trying to think of one involving Drow ....
wizarddog
04-06-08, 06:52 PM A half-orc walks into a bar in Sharn, high up in one of the towers. He sits down and starts drinking. After he's had a few, he happens to overhear somebody say, "I'm telling you, I can do it! Anybody can - you just jump out the window of this bar and you can fly around the whole tower three times..."
He looks over and sees this tall, blonde handsome guy in plate armor standing at the end of the bar, talking to a small group of warforged.

The man says it again, "If you jump out the window of this bar, you can fly around the tower three times, then land safely down on the street below."

Intrigued, the half-orc walks over and thumps him on the shoulder, and asks in a slurred voice, "How th' hell can ya fly around th' tower by jumpin out th' window?"

The blond man says, "It's really very simple, friend. You see, this part of Sharn is very crowded, and all those tall buildings funnel the wind around this tower so fast that if anybody jumps out the window, the wind will carry them all the way around the tower three times before they land nice and soft on the street outside. It's perfectly safe, I've done it a hundred times."

The half-orc, drunk as he is, still isn't sure, so he says," Oh yeah, well letsh shee ya do it then..."

And to his amazement, the tall blonde guy jumps up onto the window ledge, waves at him, and hurls himself out into the air. Rushing over to the window, the half-orc sees the man gracefully spin three times around the tower as he descends, then suddenly slow to a stop mere feet from the ground and drift down to land on his feet.

The half-orc thinks, gods, that's incredible! As the blonde man walks back into the bar, the half-orc runs up to him and says, "Hey, you gotsta show me how ta do that!"

The man walks him over to the window ledge and helps him up onto it. He tells the half-orc, "Now, my friend, the trick is that you just have to believe strongly enough, and hold your arms out like wings. Oh, and lean a little to the left."

The half-orc jumps out of the window, yelling, "I can fly!!!", and proceeds to fall all twenty stories straight down to the ground.

The tall blonde man walks back to the bar and begins sipping his drink again.

The bartender looks over at him and says, "Ya know, Federic, for an Aasimar, you're a real ********..."

:D :D :D :D
Oh the same jokes keep coming back with new icons. eh, Superman?:P
Braithwaite
04-06-08, 07:32 PM Whats the difference between a Dwarven miner and an Ogre who waits too long at a classy restaurant....

One knows his pick, the other picks his nose.
(Thanks Dragon Magazine)
Mad_Jack
04-08-08, 03:17 PM Oh the same jokes keep coming back with new icons. eh, Superman?:P

Tell me that joke isn't perfect for an Aasimar... :P
Grak182
04-08-08, 04:51 PM Q: Why can't orks lay on the beach?

A: Because cats will bury them.
pigknight
04-08-08, 07:17 PM What do you call a dwarf/orc?

Anyone that plays DnD.
gixanthrax
04-10-08, 08:42 AM How many Kender does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Lightbulb, what lightbulb, oh you mean one of these shiny thingies, drat, i think i had one-give me a second, ah good, there it is, isn't it good that i picked this one up as you lost, here we go!
Shadowshimmer
04-10-08, 11:02 AM A Half-Orc walks into a bar and the Bartender says "What is with the long face?"
M1kh43l_P4r4d1s0
04-10-08, 11:31 AM A drow man returns home one night and finds his wife having sex with another man. filled with rage, he kills his wife and lets the man go free. When the law enforcement arrives, they ask him why did he kill his wife.
"Better to kill one women now than a new man each week."

Taken from TES, and swapped Dunmir for Drow
themocaw
04-10-08, 12:15 PM A drow man returns home one night and finds his wife having sex with another man. filled with rage, he kills his wife and lets the man go free. When the law enforcement arrives, they ask him why did he kill his wife.
"Better to kill one women now than a new man each week."

Taken from TES, and swapped Dunmir for Drow

A drow man returns home one night and finds his wife having sex with another male. Sighing, he goes back to his cage and sits down and waits for his punishment for interrupting the exalted female in her pleasure. Life as usual.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
Revan54115110 04-05-08, 11:25 PM	Ok I think most of us have read the one on goblins and this one is open season on all the races that are in the game. (Note: I do believe that racism is not right, but when it comes to fictional races i am willing to view open to the humour that it may contain) You can kill two dragons if you were to put a bag of gold or gems in between them they would fight to the death, Well i forgot were i herd the this one but i is my personal favourite two jokes about goblins 1. Throw 1 goblin in to a pit of lava you are fixing a problem, Throw 100 goblins in to a pit of lava you are fixing a problem Throw 10000 goblin in to a pit of lava you are fixing a problem Throw the goblin race in to a pit of lava problem solved 2. How wins when a rabid owl bear attacks a goblin village Everybody the goblins die and the owl bear dies of food poisoning
darkneolink 04-06-08, 02:34 AM	a goblin walks into a bar the halfing laughs
Mad_Jack 04-06-08, 02:45 AM	So... An elf, a dwarf and a ranger walk into the Riddermark - stop me if you've seen this movie....
MacrossSD 04-06-08, 02:57 AM	Q. How many Tinker Gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 3: One to identify the problem, one to build the contraption to screw the bulb in, the third to build the contraption that'll rebuild the room. A human, an elf and a orc are all fishing out on a boat in the middle of the river. Soon, the human feels the "call of nature" He says "Excuse me for a moment," and walks on top of the water to the shore. Soon the elf feels the same urges and she excuses herself and walks on top of the water to shore. After a while, the orc decides to join them. He clambers out of the boat, splashes into the water and is swept away by the current. The elf looks at the human and asks: "D'ya think we should've told him about the rocks by the boat?" :rimshot: Q. How many Kender does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. OOOOOOH...SHINY!
Mad_Jack 04-06-08, 03:41 AM	A half-orc walks into a bar in Sharn, high up in one of the towers. He sits down and starts drinking. After he's had a few, he happens to overhear somebody say, "I'm telling you, I can do it! Anybody can - you just jump out the window of this bar and you can fly around the whole tower three times..." He looks over and sees this tall, blonde handsome guy in plate armor standing at the end of the bar, talking to a small group of warforged. The man says it again, "If you jump out the window of this bar, you can fly around the tower three times, then land safely down on the street below." Intrigued, the half-orc walks over and thumps him on the shoulder, and asks in a slurred voice, "How th' hell can ya fly around th' tower by jumpin out th' window?" The blond man says, "It's really very simple, friend. You see, this part of Sharn is very crowded, and all those tall buildings funnel the wind around this tower so fast that if anybody jumps out the window, the wind will carry them all the way around the tower three times before they land nice and soft on the street outside. It's perfectly safe, I've done it a hundred times." The half-orc, drunk as he is, still isn't sure, so he says," Oh yeah, well letsh shee ya do it then..." And to his amazement, the tall blonde guy jumps up onto the window ledge, waves at him, and hurls himself out into the air. Rushing over to the window, the half-orc sees the man gracefully spin three times around the tower as he descends, then suddenly slow to a stop mere feet from the ground and drift down to land on his feet. The half-orc thinks, gods, that's incredible! As the blonde man walks back into the bar, the half-orc runs up to him and says, "Hey, you gotsta show me how ta do that!" The man walks him over to the window ledge and helps him up onto it. He tells the half-orc, "Now, my friend, the trick is that you just have to believe strongly enough, and hold your arms out like wings. Oh, and lean a little to the left." The half-orc jumps out of the window, yelling, "I can fly!!!", and proceeds to fall all twenty stories straight down to the ground. The tall blonde man walks back to the bar and begins sipping his drink again. The bartender looks over at him and says, "Ya know, Federic, for an Aasimar, you're a real ********..." :D :D :D :D
CrimsonDeath 04-06-08, 07:42 AM	Q. How many Tinker Gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 3: One to identify the problem, one to build the contraption to screw the bulb in, the third to build the contraption that'll rebuild the room. A human, an elf and a orc are all fishing out on a boat in the middle of the river. Soon, the human feels the "call of nature" He says "Excuse me for a moment," and walks on top of the water to the shore. Soon the elf feels the same urges and she excuses herself and walks on top of the water to shore. After a while, the orc decides to join them. He clambers out of the boat, splashes into the water and is swept away by the current. The elf looks at the human and asks: "D'ya think we should've told him about the rocks by the boat?" :rimshot: Q. How many Kender does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. OOOOOOH...SHINY! Q: How many gully dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. No more than two.
Authw8 04-06-08, 12:04 PM	What do you call 7 goblins buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
Yadot 04-06-08, 12:22 PM	An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf are all using the privy. After the Human is done he goes to the trough and splashes water all over his hands saying, "My mother always taught me to wash my hands after useing the bathroom." After the Elf is done he goes to the trough and dips his hands into the water saying, "My mother always taught me to conserve are natural resources." After the Dwarf is done he leaves the bathroom saying, "My mother always taught me not to **** on my hands." Edit: It seems WotC objects to the more sibilant version of pee
Sunic_Flames 04-06-08, 01:19 PM	Regarding Orcs: But orcs? Orcs arent known for keeping their hands off anything, for any reason. Any age, any sex, any race, dead, alive, animal, vegetable, mineral, construct, its all the same to them. There are more orc/elf, orc/dwarf, orc/sheep, orc/fencepost, orc/rutabaga, orc/couch, orc/slow-witted tree crossbreeds out there than any other race on the planet. There are even some orc/orc crossbreeds, when times are desperate. Even dragons havent managed to hump as many different things as orcs, and lord knows theyve been trying, if the splat books are any indication
Entropy_Judge 04-06-08, 05:57 PM	I believe Varia is the OP for Sunic_Flames's post. That said ... old joke: An elf, a human, and a dwarf are sitting at a bar, when each notices a fly is in there drink. The elf demands a new drink and the human fishes the fly out of his drink before continuing drinking. The dwarf, however, fishes the fly out and begins screaming "Spit it out!" at the fly. ... I almost certainly mauled that one horribly, but I was trying to think of one involving Drow ....
wizarddog 04-06-08, 06:52 PM	A half-orc walks into a bar in Sharn, high up in one of the towers. He sits down and starts drinking. After he's had a few, he happens to overhear somebody say, "I'm telling you, I can do it! Anybody can - you just jump out the window of this bar and you can fly around the whole tower three times..." He looks over and sees this tall, blonde handsome guy in plate armor standing at the end of the bar, talking to a small group of warforged. The man says it again, "If you jump out the window of this bar, you can fly around the tower three times, then land safely down on the street below." Intrigued, the half-orc walks over and thumps him on the shoulder, and asks in a slurred voice, "How th' hell can ya fly around th' tower by jumpin out th' window?" The blond man says, "It's really very simple, friend. You see, this part of Sharn is very crowded, and all those tall buildings funnel the wind around this tower so fast that if anybody jumps out the window, the wind will carry them all the way around the tower three times before they land nice and soft on the street outside. It's perfectly safe, I've done it a hundred times." The half-orc, drunk as he is, still isn't sure, so he says," Oh yeah, well letsh shee ya do it then..." And to his amazement, the tall blonde guy jumps up onto the window ledge, waves at him, and hurls himself out into the air. Rushing over to the window, the half-orc sees the man gracefully spin three times around the tower as he descends, then suddenly slow to a stop mere feet from the ground and drift down to land on his feet. The half-orc thinks, gods, that's incredible! As the blonde man walks back into the bar, the half-orc runs up to him and says, "Hey, you gotsta show me how ta do that!" The man walks him over to the window ledge and helps him up onto it. He tells the half-orc, "Now, my friend, the trick is that you just have to believe strongly enough, and hold your arms out like wings. Oh, and lean a little to the left." The half-orc jumps out of the window, yelling, "I can fly!!!", and proceeds to fall all twenty stories straight down to the ground. The tall blonde man walks back to the bar and begins sipping his drink again. The bartender looks over at him and says, "Ya know, Federic, for an Aasimar, you're a real ********..." :D :D :D :D Oh the same jokes keep coming back with new icons. eh, Superman?:P
Braithwaite 04-06-08, 07:32 PM	Whats the difference between a Dwarven miner and an Ogre who waits too long at a classy restaurant.... One knows his pick, the other picks his nose. (Thanks Dragon Magazine)
Mad_Jack 04-08-08, 03:17 PM	Oh the same jokes keep coming back with new icons. eh, Superman?:P Tell me that joke isn't perfect for an Aasimar... :P
Grak182 04-08-08, 04:51 PM	Q: Why can't orks lay on the beach? A: Because cats will bury them.
pigknight 04-08-08, 07:17 PM	What do you call a dwarf/orc? Anyone that plays DnD.
gixanthrax 04-10-08, 08:42 AM	How many Kender does it take to change a lightbulb? - Lightbulb, what lightbulb, oh you mean one of these shiny thingies, drat, i think i had one-give me a second, ah good, there it is, isn't it good that i picked this one up as you lost, here we go!
Shadowshimmer 04-10-08, 11:02 AM	A Half-Orc walks into a bar and the Bartender says "What is with the long face?"
M1kh43l_P4r4d1s0 04-10-08, 11:31 AM	A drow man returns home one night and finds his wife having sex with another man. filled with rage, he kills his wife and lets the man go free. When the law enforcement arrives, they ask him why did he kill his wife. "Better to kill one women now than a new man each week." Taken from TES, and swapped Dunmir for Drow
themocaw 04-10-08, 12:15 PM	A drow man returns home one night and finds his wife having sex with another man. filled with rage, he kills his wife and lets the man go free. When the law enforcement arrives, they ask him why did he kill his wife. "Better to kill one women now than a new man each week." Taken from TES, and swapped Dunmir for Drow A drow man returns home one night and finds his wife having sex with another male. Sighing, he goes back to his cage and sits down and waits for his punishment for interrupting the exalted female in her pleasure. Life as usual.