Post/Author/DateTime	Post
deathfromyourmom 01-20-05, 01:08 AM	ok so i have a gnome bard/cleric/divine prankster, and in about 8 levels im going to get killing joke. instead of just rolling the joke, i was wondering if anyone had any ideas of a good joke that would inspire death into the hearts of my enemies.
Shadow080 01-20-05, 02:07 AM	You'd have to take into account that gnomes can have a very strange sense of humour at times...
General Dorsey 01-20-05, 09:29 AM	Anything by Pauly Shore should make them want to surrender their will to live.
Phrennzy 01-20-05, 10:13 AM	"What's the first thing a cannibal does after dumping his girlfriend?" "He wipes his ass." "Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'" "Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil." Terrible, terrible.
Deacon Liadon 01-20-05, 10:52 AM	Anyone who knows Monty Python will know of this joke and it's effectiveness Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Ricky 01-20-05, 11:29 AM	A man was teaching his girlfriend how to play golf. He would stand behind her with him arms around her with his hands gripping the club next to her's. One time on the upswing he glanced down and saw that his fly was open. He reached down and zipped it up, but tangled his girlfriend's skirt in the zipper. They tried to get it loose, but couldn't. She said, "Let's go to the club house and get some help." As they were hobbling back to the clubhouse as well as they could, a dog suddenly stepped out from behing a tree and threw a bucket of water on them.
Jagyr Ebonwood 01-20-05, 10:19 PM	Anyone who knows Monty Python will know of this joke and it's effectiveness Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! You're just lucky I don't speak German, or I could nab you for manslaughter :D Of course, if your group doesn't know German, just use the English version of the German-engineered joke: "Two peanuts vere valking down da street, and vone of dem vas assaulted. Get it? Assaulted! Vahahahahahaha!" You gotta love the Flying Circus :D
deathfromyourmom 01-20-05, 10:24 PM	i was looking for more of a faerun oriented joke, one that characters, not so much players would find funny (right before they died of course)
Dragoon 01-20-05, 10:44 PM	Why did the Human Cross the road? Becuase the Devil told him to. Why did the Human Cross the Road? Becuase (Deity) told him not to. What happens when you laugh to death? You die. Not the best in the world but sometimes stupid is funny. i.e. Napoleon Dynamite.
Thonili_Moonbringer 01-21-05, 01:55 AM	I liked the mathematician one. Change it to a Candlekeep scholar and a quill pen, maybe?
Reticent 01-21-05, 02:50 AM	How do you put a condom on the Tarrasque? Take the "H" out of "Hell" and the "F" out of "way".
Vanigo 01-21-05, 03:22 AM	Anyone who knows Monty Python will know of this joke and it's effectiveness Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! Anyone happen speak German, by the way? I've always wondered exactly what that meant.
Ssussunriyh 01-21-05, 03:44 AM	I recall some graphic novel or comic where a jester's joke was enspelled so that the punch-line was actually the verbal component for a spell called Laughing Death.
Fasius 01-21-05, 04:45 AM	Anyone happen speak German, by the way? I've always wondered exactly what that meant. It doesn't mean anything. The joke is just a collection of nonsense words.
Phrennzy 01-21-05, 09:55 AM	How do you put a condom on the Tarrasque? Take the "H" out of "Hell" and the "F" out of "way". :confused:
Phrennzy 01-21-05, 10:07 AM	"Why do dwarvish men die before their wives? They want to." "I take my Kender wife everywhere. But she finds her way home." A quill? Ouch!
Reticent 01-21-05, 01:01 PM	How do you put a condom on the Tarrasque? Take the "H" out of "Hell" and the "F" out of "way". There's no "F" in "way"!
Ricky 01-21-05, 01:25 PM	There's no "F" in "way"! :lightbulb :clap:
clarkvalentine 01-21-05, 01:26 PM	High level cleric tried to heal me, Pelor told him "Ask again later." I get no respect. Even when I was a kid. I was taken by the faries, they sent my folks a note saying "We want a hundred gold pieces and a new hawthorne bush, or you'll see your kid again." No respect, I tell ya. Evil transmuter turned me into a dog. I went to the temple to have the curse removed, they told me to get off the rug. No respect.
Crossover-Chronicler 01-21-05, 03:01 PM	As I recall, Killing Joke takes 3 rounds to complete. Depending on how the DM rules on dialogue in battle, this might make for a slightly longer joke. Perhaps one of those with an elaborate setup and a punchline so stupid you want to kill the guy that made you sit through it.
Phrennzy 01-21-05, 04:27 PM	High level cleric tried to heal me, Pelor told him "Ask again later." I get no respect. Even when I was a kid. I was taken by the faries, they sent my folks a note saying "We want a hundred gold pieces and a new hawthorne bush, or you'll see your kid again." No respect, I tell ya. Evil transmuter turned me into a dog. I went to the temple to have the curse removed, they told me to get off the rug. No respect. Awesome. :bow: The man was great. :mymy: And thank you for the "No F in Way".
Nordman 01-21-05, 06:01 PM	What happens if you combind a fox and a lady? A foxy lady! That one sucks!
Bearfoot 01-21-05, 06:38 PM	What do you call a thousand orcs on the bottom of the river? A good start! What's black and brown and looks good on a orc? A doberman... Lawyer jokes are tres adapatable, no?
Xantel 01-21-05, 09:57 PM	How do you put a condom on the Tarrasque? Take the "H" out of "Hell" and the "F" out of "way". i still dont get it..... :confused:
Xantel 01-21-05, 10:00 PM	lol..nvm, i got it now.... ^_^; good one, ahha, im gonna use that'n
Gilganarz_the_reporter 01-22-05, 04:36 AM	I find that the 'black knight on the black horse' works wonders.
Santrilla 01-22-05, 05:21 AM	A human and a dwarf walk into a bar. 'Ouch', says the human. :rimshot:
trapspringer 01-22-05, 05:55 PM	Two elves walk into a flying boat shop (a shop which sells flying boats) looking to make a purchase. Unfortunately, they only have half of the gold they need. The sales guy tells them he recenly got a flying camel, and that he will sell it to them for half the price of a boat. So the elves by the flying camel and take off. It isn't long before they come across a human on a flying dingy. He cuts them off. As he passes, he shouts to an adjacent ship, "Look at the two as_ holes on the camel!" The two elves, who are about a 100ft up, get off to look.
e-z0r 01-22-05, 08:52 PM	You also need to bring your own drummer everywhere to make a little drum solo after all the punchlines. And some sad laughter.
MortalPlague 01-23-05, 05:52 AM	Some of the World of Warcraft humor could fit the bill here... "A duck walks into an apothecary, and says, give me some chapstick- and put it on my bill." :D
Gemstone 01-23-05, 06:48 AM	Okay, me and my friend has something called "Death jokes" that litteraly slays the one listening to them... we've only found ONE man alive that laughs at them... her we go... Two necromancers (one human and a dwarf) are to raise some skeletons from a graveyard... since its forbidden, they tries to do so at night. However, during the ritual, two men and a horse comes walking. After the horse comes a wagoon with a chest... Seconds later, the human wizard kills both men with a lightning bolt and walks up to the chest (actually a coffin). Human: *opens chest* "OH MY GOD! HE'S DEAD!" :uh-huh: Dwarf: "Now way!?! He's going to get burried you know!" :ahem: Human: "What? Never heard of the living dead?" :rimshot:
deathfromyourmom 01-28-05, 12:34 PM	wicked awesome. if i can remember them ill use them. the one i came up with that i was gonna use went a little somethin like this: "I am the funniest gnome alive. I remember once I was doin my routine in a Lantan tavern and I told the best joke in all of faerun. The pregnant woman in the front row laughed so hard, she had her baby... 8 months premature!" and the dm just stuck some bongo drums as reward swag, so i can be my own drummer. and then if i feel like it i can wear sunglasses and be one of those crazy poets.
Ricky 01-28-05, 01:47 PM	What do you get when you cross a pig with a gnome. Nothing; there are some things a pig just won't do.
DracoDM01 02-15-05, 08:20 PM	Anyone who knows Monty Python will know of this joke and it's effectiveness Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! What does that joke mean?
Keenath 02-15-05, 08:36 PM	Okay, for those few that didn't get the punchline to the Terrasque joke... The answer is, "Take the H out of Hell and the F out of way" To which you, the listener, reply, "There's no F in way!" And the teller says, "THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! THERE'S NO F'ING WAY!" Hem. Some of these elf/dwarf/human jokes remind me of my favorite fake line from the Lord of the Rings movies... Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas are surrounded by the riders of Rohan. The head rider takes off his helm and asks, threateningly, "What are an elf, a dwarf, and a human doing on the Riddermark?" To which Legolas replies, "Is this some kind of joke?" Probably not usable, but one of my favorites. By the way, that's based on an older one -- A reverend, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! Is this some kind of joke?!"
Solidcobra 02-16-05, 05:11 AM	Dead baby jokes ahoy! How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them. What's the difference between a hundred dead babies and the tarrasque? You guys didn't just eat the tarrasque! (Said at a dinner party. :D ) What's worse than twenty dying babies tied to a tree? One dying baby tied to TWENTY trees. What's worse than a pile of dead babies? A pile of dead babies, with one alive...and it has to eat its way out. What's even worse? It succeeds. What's even worse? It goes back for seconds. What's white, red and crawls in circles? A baby with a hand nailed to the floor. What's white, red and swings back and forth? A baby on a meathook. What's green, black and doesn't swing? That same baby...two months later.
Lily_Knight 02-16-05, 05:57 AM	I loved the joke about how a pig would never do a gnome. Of course, to kill someone with a joke you need the worst joke of all time: Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. :dancin:
DracoDM01 02-16-05, 08:54 AM	What does that german joke mean? Also, the worst joke of all time is this...Why did the chicken cross the road? Nobody knows, he was hit by a semi before he got there. Also if you need the best word to use in a sentence just say, pudding.
The_Fan 02-16-05, 09:34 AM	One day this man was riding his carriage down the road when the wagon wheel broke. It was raining, so he decided to see if he could get help at a nearby monastary. He went inside, and the abbot told him that while they could give him a room for the night, he must never speak of what occured there. So he went to his room and that night, he heard the most horrible sound, like the wailing of the damned. The next morning he asked the abbot what it was, and the abbot said "I cannot tell you, you're not a priest yet." He was so disturbed he immediately went to school to become a priest. HE studied for ten years, and finally returned to the monastary to find out what it was. The abbot rebuked him, saying "I cannot tell you, you're not a monk yet." But still he insisted, so he enrolled in the monastary. Every night he stayed there, he heard the same horrible wailing. He couldn't sleep, and paced his room all night. This went on for ten years, until finally the abbot decided he was ready to be a full member of their order. "Now I will show you the secret of our order," he said, and led him towards a door. It was locked and trapped, but the abbot disabled the traps, unlocked the door, and led him through. Down, down he went into the depths of the earth. The stairs seemed to stretch onforever, past even the lowest level of the Underdark. All the while, the wailing growing louder and louder until he reached a great stone door. IT too was locked and trapped, and the aged monk needed help opening it. Behind it was a bronze door, it too locked and trapped. The monk opened this one, and behind it was an iron door, it too locked and trapped. The monk disabled that, and said to the man "You must go through alone." and handed him his keys. The sound was deafening, with an almost physical force pushing him back. In the center of the room was a giant golden box. The man unlocked the box, and inside was a smaller mithral box. This too he unlocked, his ears now bleeding from the horrible noise. Finally, in the center, was a tiny adamantine box wrapped in chains. Desperate to see the source of his curiosity for these 20 years, the man unlocked the chains and opened the box... You know what was inside? I cannot tell you, you're not a priest yet.
Fasius 02-16-05, 09:38 AM	It doesn't mean anything. The joke is just a collection of nonsense words. Since people start asking the same question as in the beginning of this threas, I'll just repeat myself. The German joke means nothing, and that's the whole humor of it. And yes, I speak German.
Nardo Polo 02-16-05, 10:40 AM	And you call yourselves Python fans. Fa! I now present the all time greatest joke ever told by man or beast. A joke so dumb that it is terribly unfunny yet for some reason requires all who understand it to laugh out loud at the mere fact that anyone could ever tell a joke like this. For your viewing pleasure, courtesy of Mssr. Monty and Python.....the joke: What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung. Thank you and goodnight.
Kulthos 02-16-05, 03:19 PM	Here is a painful joke for those who know a little bit of math. Make your math or physics professor laugh (or fail you) with this joke. D&D players are mostly nerds, so many of you will get it. Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Giraffe? A: Elephant x Giraffe x Sin(theta) and then... Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Mountain Climber? A: You can't, a mountain climber is a scaler!!!! This joke usually results in someone getting hit, if not killed.
ck2001wendt 02-16-05, 05:14 PM	Kulthos, you just beat me to it! Drow Orc sin(theta). Q: What did the mama Celestial Buffalo say to the baby Celestial Buffalo as it was about to be summoned to the Prime Material by a Cleric of Heironious? A: "Bison!" And (though way more vulgar, but often heard in Hobgoblin encampments): Q: "How do you keep a halfling from drowning?" A: "Take your foot off his head!"
Capt. Pixel 02-16-05, 06:13 PM	"What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhino?" " 'elephino" :cool:
bobocopy 02-16-05, 06:48 PM	Q: What's the difference between a quiz and a test? A: You can give someone a quizzical look. Q: Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
Orus 02-16-05, 10:46 PM	Q: Whats black, blue and hates sex? A: The little boy in my trunk!
Duke 02-17-05, 12:11 AM	This would have to be converted for a dnd world, but still doable: Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing. He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!" But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
Ricky 02-17-05, 10:30 AM	I played a barbarian in a 3.0 campaign, and I had an awakened elephant as a mount. I told him elephant jokes for fun. Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? A: Because he was dead. Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? A: He was tied to the first one. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? A: He thought it was a game. Q: Why did the giraffe fall out of the tree? A: He thought he was an elephant. Q: Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, white and furry, they'd be mice. Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed? A: There's a big E on her pajamas. Q: How do you carve an elephant statue? A: Take a piece of marble, and carve away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
RetroFitted 02-17-05, 11:59 PM	If I remember correctly, the joke has to take up some time right? This little story is best told imitating Grandpa Simpson's voice: “Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the mail carrier to send a birthday card to my niece up in the Nevermind Mountains? “Well, I had only had 3 silver pieces, and the carrier was all the way across the city and I needed to take a carriage to get there. Well, the carriage cost 2 silver pieces, and delivering the letter cost 5 silver pieces, which were called ‘bees’ at the time, the reason being that, back then, there was a bee imprinted on the coin. ‘Give me 10 bees for a gold piece, we’d say. Of course, back then the gold piece had a dragon imprinted on it, so we’d usually end up saying ‘Give me 10 bees for a dragon.’ “Now, back to my story. I had left the room I was staying in at the time to deliver the letter to my niece for her birthday. I thought it wouldn’t be right to only send a letter, so I cast an illusion spell on it that would have a little image of me singing and dancing ‘Happy Birthday.’ I knew she’d like it, so I decided to do that. “The problem, of course, was that I didn’t have enough money to both get a carriage AND deliver the letter. I was in quite a pickle, which, by the way, I had tied to my belt, as was the style at the time. I don’t know why, because pickles don’t smell all too good, so imagine a whole city full of people with a pickle tied to their belts. It wasn’t a long-lasting fad, let me tell you. “So anyway, I only had 3 silver pieces, or ‘bees,’ as they were called, because they had a bee imprinted on them at the time…did I mention this already? Anyway, because they had ‘bees’ on them, and the gold piece had a dragon on them, we’d say, ‘Give me 10 bees for a dragon.’ “Well, seeing as I needed 4 more silver pieces, I figured I could make some money performing some illusions on the street for entertainment, and people would give me some change here and there. Well, not even 2 minutes into my act, 3 guards walk up and say that it is illegal to perform without a permit, which I should have known by now, as I’ve been in the city for a couple weeks. “These guards also told me that it’d cost about 3 silvers to get the permit, and that the Enertainer’s Guild was only a couple buildings away from the mail carrier building. Well, you can imagine the pickle I was in. Speaking of pickles, I had one tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…” And so on... If the victim doesn't kill himself, you fellow Pc's might.