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#1 kiljoy795 Oct 23, 2012 13:20:25	Hello there, I'm currently trying to write my read-aloud text for when my PC's leave Altaruk and begin traveling to Tyr, but an obsidian sandstorm hits their caravan and bandits attack. I've written up a little bit, but I really don't like the sound of it. Please read it, and help me re-write it so it sounds better. Show "At last, after spending a few days in Altaruk, it's time to begin the week travel to Tyr through the treacherous roads of the Great Alluvial Sand Wastes. The caravan is loaded with food, water, supplies, and trade goods for their final destination; Tyr. The caravan will be unable tos upply you with enough supplies to last the whole week. You need to get at least a few survival days here in town for 5 gold, each. So you begin your trek through the desert at the break of dawn as the crimson sun crawls over the horizon, changin the cold cutting wind to the hot, stinging wind. The sun beats about your shoulders, draining your strength with every second it's upon you. The first two days pass, the days burning and the nights freezing. On the third day, as the sun begins its climb into the sky, the wind begins to pick up and the air grows hazy as sand is kicked up into it. Some of you recognize what's going on; sandstorm. Is there anything you do to anticipate or prepare for it? (A moment to let the playeres prepare) Soon enough, the wind is howling, the sand stinging at any amount of exposed skin. As the storm howls on, your hear the sound of splintering wood, tearing fabric, and a scream. "Obsidian storm!" someone cries out, and just then, a war horn pierces the air followed by a savage war cry; raiders. The sounds of explosions rip through the air. The raiders must be throwing firebombs. The air around you is soon filled with the sound of conflict, there's clearly a large raiding party. Trying to fend them off on your own means certain death, the wagon you were wlaking along carries supplies. You could probably get some survival days from it, and escape into the desert, b ut before you can, a party of raiders surrounds you! Roll initiative!"
#2 OskarOisinson Oct 23, 2012 21:12:09	Maybe.... At last, after spending a few days in Altaruk, it is time to begin the arduous week-long trek to Tyr. Your sojourn will take you down the treacherous and sand-covered roads of the Great Alluvial Wastes. The caravan carries limited food, water and other necessities, and is laden with numerous trade goods for sale at their final destination; Tyr. (Depending on who you decide runs the caravan, you might want to mention some of the trade goods in question. Altaruk is controlled by Balic and the main merchant houses there are Wavir, Rees, and Tomblador, who trade in a lot of goods, so you can kinda of say whatever). The caravan will be unable to provide you with supplies to last the whole week as they have only brought enough for their employees (Wavir does not use slave labour, only paid employees, so it would make sense, should you use them for them to be a bit stingy with their supplies), because of this, you must stock your own provisions here in town prior to leaving. (You can mention if they ask, that provisions for a day cost about 5gp, I don't like calling out 'survival days' literally). You begin your trek through the desert as the first scarlet streamers of the morning sun begin to creep their way across the horizon. As the morningtide comes on, you can feel the cold and cutting gales of last night quickly give way to the hot stinging winds that are the mark of most Athasian days. As the crimson sun first beats down on your shoulders, already beginning to fatigue you as you prepare for the first day of your trek, you shrug, grumbling to yourself, "Once more, into the breach." The first two days pass slowly as you trudge doggedly down the dusty roads. On the third day, as the sun approaches its zenith, the wind picks up and the air grows hazy as whipping sand starts to abrade your exposed skin. Some of you recognize these signs for what they are- a sandstorm whipping up out of the deep desert, as furiously as a caged tembo breaking loose from its shackles... and as inevitable as the heat of the mid-day sun. Is there anything you do to prepare for it? (A moment to let the players prepare) Soon enough, the wind is howling and what was before a minor annoyance soon turns to outright pain as more and more sand rubs your exposed flesh raw. As the storm howls on unrelentingly, you suddenly hear the sound of splintering wood, tearing fabric, and then, barely audible above the deafening roar of the winds- a scream! "Obsidian storm!" someone cries out, and just then, the keening sound of a single horn pierces the air, followed by a savage war cry that can mean only one thing- raiders. The sounds of explosions rip through the air and you see dim flashes of light as your bleary eyes squint through the lashing sands. The raiders are throwing firebombs! The air around you is soon filled with the clamour and clangor of conflict, whoever is attacking clearly outnumber you. Trying to fend them off on your own would mean certain death, as your mind races through your few remaining options, your stomach lurches as fear grips you, and you feel impelled to flee into the storm, you need more supplies though! Perhaps you could grab some from the caravan as you attempt to make your escape but, before you can make a move, a party of raiders surrounds you! Roll initiative! Hope that helps man, I love writing these things, but when I have to do them for my own adventures it can get pretty taxing. One word: thesaurus. Hope you enjoy the occasional alliteration.
#3 Alphastream Nov 04, 2012 0:09:30	Hello there, I'm currently trying to write my read-aloud text for when my PC's leave Altaruk and begin traveling to Tyr, but an obsidian sandstorm hits their caravan and bandits attack. I've written up a little bit, but I really don't like the sound of it. Please read it, and help me re-write it so it sounds better. I recommend using a different approach for an actual game than a written adventure. When writing an adventure boxed text really helps a multitude of DMs correctly impart what is taking place to the players. It cuts down on confusion and raises the lowest denominator of what might happen. In your own game you don't really need to do that. If you like boxed text, that's totally cool, but it can be helpful to view it more as note cards for a speech rather than a read-aloud section. This is your game and you can over-control its pacing and cut down on improvisation if you use too much boxed text. My recommended approach for your own games is to write short bits that set the stage, then leave what happens to a set of bullet points. For example, you had the following: "At last, after spending a few days in Altaruk, it's time to begin the week travel to Tyr through the treacherous roads of the Great Alluvial Sand Wastes. The caravan is loaded with food, water, supplies, and trade goods for their final destination; Tyr. The caravan will be unable to supply you with enough supplies to last the whole week. You need to get at least a few survival days here in town for 5 gold, each. So you begin your trek through the desert..." The above does more than set the scene. It cuts down on actions. We've gone from days in Altaruk, to somehow ending up on a caravan, to buying a few survival days, to now being on that desert voyage. This cuts off some pretty fun possibilities: PCs might want to know about this caravan, role-play, get to know NPCs, etc. There might be suspicions or questions (which merchant house contracted this caravan, where did it come from before, are the mounts in good shape, etc.). This is mostly about player smarts, curiosity, and paranoia. PCs might want to stock up on certain supplies beyond survival days. This is all about preparation - feeling like the players did smart stuff and aren't being set up. Players and PCs might want to know more about how they were hired, what they will do once they get to Tyr, why they took on this job, etc. This ties them to the larger narrative and their place in the world. And this all goes back to what you are trying to achieve as DM. If you are looking to say "Hey, you are on this caravan and then x happens," then I would focus the boxed text on that. Skip the first part you wrote and get into the heart of it: "The caravan jostles from side to side as it meanders through the Great Alluvial Sand Wastes. Behind you is the safety of the merchant town of Altaruk. Ahead is the dangerous city-state of Tyr. Hired to guard the caravan, you ride..." And then I would describe the caravan. Is it an argosy? What kind - how big, how many levels? Where are the PCs? Are they on mounts around it? Are they on or in the argosy? Is the caravan a bunch of riders on crodlu with gear, and the PCs walking around them? This sets the scene. (When writing something for a home campaign, I would note the high level stuff but make up details on the fly... the argosy is new, having never seen battle before... etc.). I would then let the players get acclimated before hitting them with the excitement. Give them, probably not in boxed text, a description of the other caravan members. At least one NPC should be doing something or have some characteristic that is evocative, so players get some RP. Having an endearing NPC is great because it makes the coming battle matter more if that NPC is in danger. The caravan itself likely needs a bit more to make it interesting. What is the cargo? Why do the PCs care about it? The PCs won't care about it if it is a backdrop, but will if there is a personal story (the merchant and his wife are taking the big risk of going to the 'free' city-state and hope this risk is worth it) or if the PCs have a stake in it (the cargo and owners must reach the city-state for full payment). Once they have some fun here and establish connections. then the excitement hits. You can describe the burning sun and chilling day, but I find boxed text is not really the best vehicle. Either instead or in addition to that, you could ask one or two players to describe how their PC's weather the extreme heat and cold. You could also present a scene, such as a PC that has their mount startle, and they roll to stay on the mount. Either way, the mount kicks up a bunch of sand and it gets in their clothing... letting the player react to the hot sand itching under their clothes/armor. The other players will pick up on that. What you wrote for the battle is generally very good. I would break it up, letting players react to the events. As soon as they realize a sandstorm is coming, what do they do? Let them select this, and adapt to it. Keep your boxed text lean and mean, so it will work in most cases (and change it on the fly as needed). The part about the firebombs is a bit unclear... think on what the PCs should know, why, how, and then deploy that accordingly. The sounds you described don't tell me sufficiently that this is an obsidian storm or firebombs. Consider less text and having the PCs ask questions to which you can provide answers (or respond with a prompt for a skill check). This way, by the time the battle is around them, they are a part of it. The scene will be far more vivid if they had a stake in it, have connections to their surroundings, and had a chance to set up for it. On your end, that approach will help you have more fun, because in general it is more fun to have players surprise you and be into the game than the other way around. Does that help? Every DM has a different approach, so what I wrote may not work for you. I'm glad to discuss this further.
#4 OskarOisinson Nov 04, 2012 2:27:08	Personally, I think that is a great approach you described and is typically how I like to run adventures. The thing is, when you DM like that, the opening of possibilities also allows for players to deviate far from what you have prepared for them. There are, of course, certain DM tricks that can help get players back on track, but this typically requires additional fore-planning. Likewise, player maturity and experience (not to mention the DM's) is a huge factor here. A group of experienced players will likely be able to react to more subtle prodding from a DM for the sake of the story, understanding the limits a DM comes up against. Mature players will more fully inhabit their characters and entwine their motivations with the story hooks presented by the DM. This allows for a more open feel but also more consistent game-flow (from the DM's perspective). If you have inexperienced or immature players (typical of beginning players, and not necessarily bad), then character behaviour is often more erratic because players are still learning how to role-play and may be testing the limits of the system. This can sometimes be extremely rewarding (I still remember one instance where I played in an 8 person party during my teens and one night 3 members decided to rob the money-lender, two started a bar-fight, one's latent schizophrenia emerged, and another did magic tricks in the corner (the druid had to sleep outside the city because of his wolf). The session was entirely improvised by the DM who had planned the night to pass quickly and move on to another adventure but everything ended well with no loose ends and we all had a blast!) andway, as I was saying, this CAN be rewarding, but it's kind of a crap-shoot and, for all that happened that one night, very little of it actually impacted the main narrative. So, when I DM for beginners, I tend to, for lack of a better term, rail-road them a bit more with boxed text (though, just as often, I use this when I have limited prep-time). I don't particularly like doing this and if I can avoid it I do but it all depends. Personally, my style is to make a massive sand-box and then just let the characters do whatever they want. For example the Dark Sun campaign I've been working on for 2 years now has a fully established (if simplified) economy (including rates of exchange, taxes, trade-relations, tariffs, etc.), an adapted planar cosmology with a number of extra planes, an entirely re-written history, a reference for races with descriptions, a reference for factions for each town (so far I only have Tyr), a 13 character dramatis personae, detailed equipment inventories, and massive Atlas reference that's half-complete of every location I could find with a description, among other things. I've divided the campaign into 13 'Books' which act as chapters but within each chapter, I have surrounded the party (geographically) with potential story-arcs. My hope is that, in a few more years, when 5e comes out, I can adapt this into a campaign for my younger cousins. In this style, I tend to only use block-text for purely descriptive purposes, say, when they enter a new room. I try to keep such descriptions below 4 sentences, giving one long and general description of a new area and then shorter, more prosaic ones for related areas.

Post/Author/DateTime

Post

kiljoy795

Oct 23, 2012 13:20:25

Hello there,
I'm currently trying to write my read-aloud text for when my PC's leave Altaruk and begin traveling to Tyr, but an obsidian sandstorm hits their caravan and bandits attack. I've written up a little bit, but I really don't like the sound of it. Please read it, and help me re-write it so it sounds better.

Show
"At last, after spending a few days in Altaruk, it's time to begin the week travel to Tyr through the treacherous roads of the Great Alluvial Sand Wastes. The caravan is loaded with food, water, supplies, and trade goods for their final destination; Tyr.

The caravan will be unable tos upply you with enough supplies to last the whole week. You need to get at least a few survival days here in town for 5 gold, each.

So you begin your trek through the desert at the break of dawn as the crimson sun crawls over the horizon, changin the cold cutting wind to the hot, stinging wind. The sun beats about your shoulders, draining your strength with every second it's upon you. The first two days pass, the days burning and the nights freezing. On the third day, as the sun begins its climb into the sky, the wind begins to pick up and the air grows hazy as sand is kicked up into it. Some of you recognize what's going on; sandstorm. Is there anything you do to anticipate or prepare for it?
(A moment to let the playeres prepare)

Soon enough, the wind is howling, the sand stinging at any amount of exposed skin. As the storm howls on, your hear the sound of splintering wood, tearing fabric, and a scream. "Obsidian storm!" someone cries out, and just then, a war horn pierces the air followed by a savage war cry; raiders. The sounds of explosions rip through the air. The raiders must be throwing firebombs.

The air around you is soon filled with the sound of conflict, there's clearly a large raiding party. Trying to fend them off on your own means certain death, the wagon you were wlaking along carries supplies. You could probably get some survival days from it, and escape into the desert, b ut before you can, a party of raiders surrounds you! Roll initiative!"

OskarOisinson

Oct 23, 2012 21:12:09

Maybe....

At last, after spending a few days in Altaruk, it is time to begin the arduous week-long trek to Tyr. Your sojourn will take you down the treacherous and sand-covered roads of the Great Alluvial Wastes. The caravan carries limited food, water and other necessities, and is laden with numerous trade goods for sale at their final destination; Tyr. (Depending on who you decide runs the caravan, you might want to mention some of the trade goods in question. Altaruk is controlled by Balic and the main merchant houses there are Wavir, Rees, and Tomblador, who trade in a lot of goods, so you can kinda of say whatever).

The caravan will be unable to provide you with supplies to last the whole week as they have only brought enough for their employees (Wavir does not use slave labour, only paid employees, so it would make sense, should you use them for them to be a bit stingy with their supplies), because of this, you must stock your own provisions here in town prior to leaving. (You can mention if they ask, that provisions for a day cost about 5gp, I don't like calling out 'survival days' literally).

You begin your trek through the desert as the first scarlet streamers of the morning sun begin to creep their way across the horizon. As the morningtide comes on, you can feel the cold and cutting gales of last night quickly give way to the hot stinging winds that are the mark of most Athasian days. As the crimson sun first beats down on your shoulders, already beginning to fatigue you as you prepare for the first day of your trek, you shrug, grumbling to yourself, "Once more, into the breach."

The first two days pass slowly as you trudge doggedly down the dusty roads. On the third day, as the sun approaches its zenith, the wind picks up and the air grows hazy as whipping sand starts to abrade your exposed skin. Some of you recognize these signs for what they are- a sandstorm whipping up out of the deep desert, as furiously as a caged tembo breaking loose from its shackles... and as inevitable as the heat of the mid-day sun. Is there anything you do to prepare for it?
(A moment to let the players prepare)

Soon enough, the wind is howling and what was before a minor annoyance soon turns to outright pain as more and more sand rubs your exposed flesh raw. As the storm howls on unrelentingly, you suddenly hear the sound of splintering wood, tearing fabric, and then, barely audible above the deafening roar of the winds- a scream! "Obsidian storm!" someone cries out, and just then, the keening sound of a single horn pierces the air, followed by a savage war cry that can mean only one thing- raiders. The sounds of explosions rip through the air and you see dim flashes of light as your bleary eyes squint through the lashing sands. The raiders are throwing firebombs!

The air around you is soon filled with the clamour and clangor of conflict, whoever is attacking clearly outnumber you. Trying to fend them off on your own would mean certain death, as your mind races through your few remaining options, your stomach lurches as fear grips you, and you feel impelled to flee into the storm, you need more supplies though! Perhaps you could grab some from the caravan as you attempt to make your escape but, before you can make a move, a party of raiders surrounds you! Roll initiative!

Hope that helps man, I love writing these things, but when I have to do them for my own adventures it can get pretty taxing. One word: thesaurus. Hope you enjoy the occasional alliteration.

Alphastream

Nov 04, 2012 0:09:30

Hello there,
I'm currently trying to write my read-aloud text for when my PC's leave Altaruk and begin traveling to Tyr, but an obsidian sandstorm hits their caravan and bandits attack. I've written up a little bit, but I really don't like the sound of it. Please read it, and help me re-write it so it sounds better.

I recommend using a different approach for an actual game than a written adventure. When writing an adventure boxed text really helps a multitude of DMs correctly impart what is taking place to the players. It cuts down on confusion and raises the lowest denominator of what might happen.

In your own game you don't really need to do that. If you like boxed text, that's totally cool, but it can be helpful to view it more as note cards for a speech rather than a read-aloud section. This is your game and you can over-control its pacing and cut down on improvisation if you use too much boxed text.

My recommended approach for your own games is to write short bits that set the stage, then leave what happens to a set of bullet points. For example, you had the following:

"At last, after spending a few days in Altaruk, it's time to begin the week travel to Tyr through the treacherous roads of the Great Alluvial Sand Wastes. The caravan is loaded with food, water, supplies, and trade goods for their final destination; Tyr.

The caravan will be unable to supply you with enough supplies to last the whole week. You need to get at least a few survival days here in town for 5 gold, each.

So you begin your trek through the desert..."

The above does more than set the scene. It cuts down on actions. We've gone from days in Altaruk, to somehow ending up on a caravan, to buying a few survival days, to now being on that desert voyage. This cuts off some pretty fun possibilities:

PCs might want to know about this caravan, role-play, get to know NPCs, etc. There might be suspicions or questions (which merchant house contracted this caravan, where did it come from before, are the mounts in good shape, etc.). This is mostly about player smarts, curiosity, and paranoia.

PCs might want to stock up on certain supplies beyond survival days. This is all about preparation - feeling like the players did smart stuff and aren't being set up.

Players and PCs might want to know more about how they were hired, what they will do once they get to Tyr, why they took on this job, etc. This ties them to the larger narrative and their place in the world.

And this all goes back to what you are trying to achieve as DM. If you are looking to say "Hey, you are on this caravan and then x happens," then I would focus the boxed text on that. Skip the first part you wrote and get into the heart of it: "The caravan jostles from side to side as it meanders through the Great Alluvial Sand Wastes. Behind you is the safety of the merchant town of Altaruk. Ahead is the dangerous city-state of Tyr. Hired to guard the caravan, you ride..."

And then I would describe the caravan. Is it an argosy? What kind - how big, how many levels? Where are the PCs? Are they on mounts around it? Are they on or in the argosy? Is the caravan a bunch of riders on crodlu with gear, and the PCs walking around them? This sets the scene. (When writing something for a home campaign, I would note the high level stuff but make up details on the fly... the argosy is new, having never seen battle before... etc.).

I would then let the players get acclimated before hitting them with the excitement. Give them, probably not in boxed text, a description of the other caravan members. At least one NPC should be doing something or have some characteristic that is evocative, so players get some RP. Having an endearing NPC is great because it makes the coming battle matter more if that NPC is in danger.

The caravan itself likely needs a bit more to make it interesting. What is the cargo? Why do the PCs care about it? The PCs won't care about it if it is a backdrop, but will if there is a personal story (the merchant and his wife are taking the big risk of going to the 'free' city-state and hope this risk is worth it) or if the PCs have a stake in it (the cargo and owners must reach the city-state for full payment).

Once they have some fun here and establish connections. then the excitement hits. You can describe the burning sun and chilling day, but I find boxed text is not really the best vehicle. Either instead or in addition to that, you could ask one or two players to describe how their PC's weather the extreme heat and cold. You could also present a scene, such as a PC that has their mount startle, and they roll to stay on the mount. Either way, the mount kicks up a bunch of sand and it gets in their clothing... letting the player react to the hot sand itching under their clothes/armor. The other players will pick up on that.

What you wrote for the battle is generally very good. I would break it up, letting players react to the events. As soon as they realize a sandstorm is coming, what do they do? Let them select this, and adapt to it. Keep your boxed text lean and mean, so it will work in most cases (and change it on the fly as needed). The part about the firebombs is a bit unclear... think on what the PCs should know, why, how, and then deploy that accordingly. The sounds you described don't tell me sufficiently that this is an obsidian storm or firebombs. Consider less text and having the PCs ask questions to which you can provide answers (or respond with a prompt for a skill check). This way, by the time the battle is around them, they are a part of it. The scene will be far more vivid if they had a stake in it, have connections to their surroundings, and had a chance to set up for it. On your end, that approach will help you have more fun, because in general it is more fun to have players surprise you and be into the game than the other way around.

Does that help? Every DM has a different approach, so what I wrote may not work for you. I'm glad to discuss this further.

OskarOisinson

Nov 04, 2012 2:27:08

Personally, I think that is a great approach you described and is typically how I like to run adventures. The thing is, when you DM like that, the opening of possibilities also allows for players to deviate far from what you have prepared for them. There are, of course, certain DM tricks that can help get players back on track, but this typically requires additional fore-planning. Likewise, player maturity and experience (not to mention the DM's) is a huge factor here. A group of experienced players will likely be able to react to more subtle prodding from a DM for the sake of the story, understanding the limits a DM comes up against. Mature players will more fully inhabit their characters and entwine their motivations with the story hooks presented by the DM. This allows for a more open feel but also more consistent game-flow (from the DM's perspective). If you have inexperienced or immature players (typical of beginning players, and not necessarily bad), then character behaviour is often more erratic because players are still learning how to role-play and may be testing the limits of the system. This can sometimes be extremely rewarding (I still remember one instance where I played in an 8 person party during my teens and one night 3 members decided to rob the money-lender, two started a bar-fight, one's latent schizophrenia emerged, and another did magic tricks in the corner (the druid had to sleep outside the city because of his wolf). The session was entirely improvised by the DM who had planned the night to pass quickly and move on to another adventure but everything ended well with no loose ends and we all had a blast!) andway, as I was saying, this CAN be rewarding, but it's kind of a crap-shoot and, for all that happened that one night, very little of it actually impacted the main narrative. So, when I DM for beginners, I tend to, for lack of a better term, rail-road them a bit more with boxed text (though, just as often, I use this when I have limited prep-time). I don't particularly like doing this and if I can avoid it I do but it all depends.

Personally, my style is to make a massive sand-box and then just let the characters do whatever they want. For example the Dark Sun campaign I've been working on for 2 years now has a fully established (if simplified) economy (including rates of exchange, taxes, trade-relations, tariffs, etc.), an adapted planar cosmology with a number of extra planes, an entirely re-written history, a reference for races with descriptions, a reference for factions for each town (so far I only have Tyr), a 13 character dramatis personae, detailed equipment inventories, and massive Atlas reference that's half-complete of every location I could find with a description, among other things. I've divided the campaign into 13 'Books' which act as chapters but within each chapter, I have surrounded the party (geographically) with potential story-arcs. My hope is that, in a few more years, when 5e comes out, I can adapt this into a campaign for my younger cousins. In this style, I tend to only use block-text for purely descriptive purposes, say, when they enter a new room. I try to keep such descriptions below 4 sentences, giving one long and general description of a new area and then shorter, more prosaic ones for related areas.