Any idea how to approach a player who has been drawing private complaints about hygene? It's mainly smell. I've been grabbing food with this individual after games to get to know him a little better before I approach him. I don't want to push him away from the game because he is a regular and shows a lot of interest in playing and dming in the future, but even I have problems sitting nex to him.
Sadly you are going to have to approach him or, bring one of those under the table air freshner devices and attach it under the table. It only masks the smell so long but usually it does the job. Some of them themselves are pretty overpowering so go for a fragrance that isnt too strong.
In regards to approaching them, its not something that is likely to change unless its a point thats brought up and its going to cause embarrassment anyway you look at it so its best to get it done with sooner rather than later.
Tyranthraxus nailed it. As unpleasant as the business is, You, or if you are doing this at a FLGS, Management should take this person aside and have a word with them.
It stings for the moment, but its only very briefly. If approached respectfully and honestly the player may be sure to "hit the showers" before game night. Its far better than if tensions boil over and someone else calls them out on it and perhaps scuttles the gaming group entirely
Anecdotally we had an issue with someone like this where I used to play WH40k. The player was a great guy, well mannered and polite. But just had an odor about him that was enough to make a fly puke. It got to the point he was being ejected from tournaments, even so far as his entry fee being refunded , because he would offend people.
Communicate with him. Be nice.
Do it privately so as not to cause any unnecessary embarassment. Be nice.
Tell him he is welcome back when he is ready. Be nice.
Game on!
Thank you all for the advice! I hope we can resolve the issue without incident.
He's a person just like everyone else, so simply tell him.
Imagine if YOU were the one who was smelling badly (you decide to jog to the game, and your all in sweat, or you eat a extra garligy greek food before getting to the store, or you were just in a hurry and didn,t got the time to take a shower) how would you want the other to tell you that you smell?
It won't be an aggreable moment, but will help having a better moments the futurs week.
I would lie.
I would pretend that it is only an issue occasionally, and it isn't all that noticeable. In fact, it took you a few times to realize it was him. Others have complained about the issue to you, but didn't realize where it was coming from. Heck, one person thought it had to do with the store somehow.
The idea is to present something that is a problem, but hide the fact that everyone knows that he is the problem. That way he can fix the problem without having to be embarrassed that 'everyone knows'. You figured it out, but were nice enough to tell him right away. The implication is that since you figured it out, if he doesn't fix the issue, then others will figure it out also.
As someone who has been this problem in the past, I'll say it didn't really sink in for me until I heard a critical mass of comments/complaints. If one person in a store says something but everyone else stays silent or even dismisses the problem, then I just think the problem is the complainer is being too sensitive. If everyone at the table says, 'Dude, you're a good guy, but man is it hard to sit at the table with you," it's a lot harder for me to dismiss it. Don't be cruel, but don't make it seem like it's just one guy who has a problem with it, either.
Once he gets into the habit of being hygenic and no longer is used to his own odor, even he'll be able to tell when he backslides. It's amazing how well it works.
--
Pauper
Use a white lie about what you think is the source
"Hey man, you doing a lot of sports or jogging before you get here and that's great, but everyone needs to hit the shower after sport before they go to the next place"
Yeah, he doesn't do sport, I know. But it gives him an excuse. Which helps everyone.
If he still manages to get angry, just prep yourself to go from nice cop to bad cop, in advance "You smell! It's being unpleasant to others - grab a shower before you come in!"
Hopefully he just takes the excuse "Oh, sport, yeah, shower after, yeah..."
Kentor: Actually you do not always have that one guy. I havnt had a 'smelly person' in my game for several years now. Last time I encountered one (actually 2!) I was at a convention in Melbourne in Jan of this year. I think as a problem it was more prevalent in the 80's, then moved to the 90's and now is a lot rarer than it used to be.
Not saying it dosnt exist, but its heading towards gamer archive where its apparently still a problem , but not really anymore.
I'm going to be the voice of opposition here.
It is highly unlikely you can tell someone they stink without them being offended on a personal level.
Most of the time people with odor issues have medical conditions as root causes. It is actually pretty despicable that you have been 'befriending' the person as a pretense to...figure out how to deeply offend them.
We put up with eccentric players people with impossible accents. People that bring nasty smelly food, and people that are way to theatrical, or too flamey, or too impatient, or whatever. We deal with it and leave them be because its what you do in social situations. If someone else has an unpleasant odor, then you ignore it and bring a tuna sandwich for dinner or order the garlic bread and you won't smell anything else all night.
Our FLGS has a personal hygiene policy. I usually turn over any issues to store staff to deal with.
Byakugan01 wrote:
Byakugan01 wrote:
I think it is a public service to fellow gamers to be up front and communicate clearly exactly what you need to say to this person. Your fellow gamers will thank you if you take up this task, and the sooner you do it, the better for everyone. If you have a knack for, "being sensitive," and approaching the subject kindly, then I don't think there is anything wrong with that, but nobody wants to be lied to, tricked, or otherwise manipulated--if this is your plan, then ask someone else to talk to this person instead of you. The bottom line is that the person in question, "needs to know," that they are a source of discomfort for others, and that's not fun for anyone--but it can also be fixed.
Be honest. Be nice.
If you can do that, and the person gets offended, that's okay. If you can keep them calm, and just remind them that gaming should be about having fun, then tell them that you want them back at the table for all the other reasons that make it fun to have them there, it will give them something to look forward to. Try to let them know they can come back when they've fixed their problem. If it is medical in nature, so be it. It is what it is, but it needs to be addressed.
I think the real trouble is that it is more difficult to approach and talk to hygene-challenged gamers if you DO NOT know them, especially at conventions. Different people will react differently, and you should protect yourself from the random gamer that might react with a foul-mouthed, violent tantrum if you say something to them. Beyond that, I would try to approach them as a fellow gamer, and simply say that some of the players are concerned about the odor around the table, and that I had noted that it very likely was from them. As a convention DM, I would probably allow this person to play unless I truly could not put up with it (that's the lumps when you work conventions), but will note that if my players become uncomfortable or complain, that I might have to ask this person to leave. But in a private game, well then, "hey buddy, me and the fellas pitched in and bought you this shower gel, shampoo, and deodorant kit, we really hope you use it!" would probably get the message across, but obviously we would keep the tone light, and pass around beers or something. YMMV.
Good luck to you!
I'd like to hear how it goes after you have, "the talk."
When did I try to guilt trip someone?
Yeah, I think it is despicible to pretend to befriend someone under false pretenses. That is the plot of several movies about people who usually act shitty to others. I doubt that you would have singled this person out to 'catch bites' with otherwise. Sorry, but like your player that doesn't pass the smell test. You are the bad guy in this scenario. It's like that time so-and-so asked a girl out on a date because of a bet, then it all goes wrong when she found out he was actually just a douchebag. Just like it is really shitty to tell a foreigner they need to bring food that you think smells better. If the person is causing others to have asthma attacks or allergic reactions or something that is one thing. But sofar all you are saying is you don't like the way they smell. You don't tell a fat guy that he needs to go on a diet so you can have more elbow room...well it sounds like you might, actually. Normal people scoot over and make room for their buddy to sit down.
The way other folks are saying things like 'your fellow gamers will xxx...' pretty much says it all. It's junior high all over again.
Among other things diabetes, certain genetic disorders, high stress levels and severe depression can cause 'stinky sweat'. All of which have exactly 0 to do with poor hygene. Or he might just really like eating certain foods like broccoli which can cause the body to secrete strange odors.
This situation has actually come up where I work before...someone's boss decided to tell someone with a medical condition that they stank and needed to shower more often. It cost the company a big settlement, just like that. It was way worse because it was said in earshot of others. In case you were wondering, it was a woman who had survived breast cancer but had a permanent infection from the mastectomy that constantly seeped pus. It's actually not that uncommon of a side-effect.
Look, I'd also point out, for anyone feeling this is not so nice thing to do...
If you can convince them to take showers for game nights and not reject them from ever showing up again in the process, odds are you improve their other social interactions as well - at school, work, dating, whatever...
So emphasize that they're a great person to game with, but could they please take a shower. Then ask them what mod they were looking to play on the next game day, so you can be ready to play with them.
Byakugan01 wrote:
That piece is actually pretty informative. Thanks for sharing it.
"when nothing smacking of social selectiveness can be discussed in public, people inevitably begin to organize activities in secret. These conspiracies often lead to more problems down the line, and the end result is as juvenile as anything a seventh-grader ever dreamed of."
I'm not being paternal. I am empathising with someone that is about to be the target of a whole lot of social bullying, by someone that began the conversation by saying they were trying to be friends with them to figure out how best to diss them.
In case you were going to say it would be a private conversation, ill remind you that the OP has already brought the discussion to the internet in a public place where it will live forever like mini-me's sex tape. He also said people are already whispering behind the persons back. People supporting his plan are congratulating him.
You really want to play the '**** victims should dress less sexy' card in this conversation?
My opinion Is likely outcomes of the scenario are not good. There is little likelyhood that the DM can broach the subject without inflicting serious personal offense.
Not saying anything becasue you are afraid to hurt the persons feelings is the WORST advice given in this thread.
talk to them and figure it out. Sure it could be some disorder but in all liklyhood they just need to shower and use deoderant.
Get over it and communicate.
MaximumPain wrote:
AndrewJO wrote:
Make it a case of mistaken odors. Ask him if he can change his cologne or deodorant as it seems to be adversly affecting some of the players and let him determine what you are really talking about without actualy saying it, Kind of a chicken-**** way of handling it, but it might work without upsetting anyone.
Knight_Marshal wrote:
Speaking of deodorant, my last two games of AL D&D each had a different teenager who didn't seem to be in the habit of using it yet.
Parents, don't let your teenager be the stinky kid. Make him put on deodorant before entering social situations. Especially social situations in small, enclosed spaces.
if I swear a lot at the table, do you ask me to tone it down or do you just assume that I have tourettes and that it's out of my control?