Hey y'all,
I have an NPC mage/researcher who has been trapped in a tower for millennia studying all manner of weird and grotesque things (one of his prized possessions is a demon heart, donated by the kind imps downstairs as a token gesture of "please stay the hell away from us"... it seems to have done the trick). All of a sudden his tower has been invaded by a quartet of wannabe adventurers who failed to spot his most excellent devices and were unfortunately chloroformed. Yes, how unfortunate. They awake strapped to chairs in an anti-magic field chamber, with a single locked door and one large "bullet-proof" glass through which they can see the mage, and an array of levers at his command.
The mage will record into a dictorphone a small passage about each subject. "Subject A is slightly overweight, even for a dwarf, and is sporting an interesting choice of cologne. Smells like the mutant onions we had for dinner last month Karen. Do you remember that Karen? No of course you don't, you're dead!!."
Together they must elect someone to “participate” in the challenge. Whoever that is will perform a variation of the Milgram experiment on the others at the behest of the mage, using a number of levers and pulleys within the room. The mage has multiple levers he can pull to send electric shocks to the PCs, and will threaten them with“2 hours of W.O.O.” if they do not comply. Eventually the mage will have gathered enough data and grow bored of the adventurers, moving onto more exciting things like the perfect custard recipe. The PCs will be free, though if they want the demon heart they will have to fight the mage for it.
I was wondering if anyone would be so kind as to provide some insane ramblings/mutterings from the mage/researcher that I could set to purpose in the D&D session on Saturday? 
Many thanks!
"I told them. I did. I told them. Third on the left. Was it my fault they went right? So much to clean."
OrwellianHaggis wrote:
"Now sir, while participating in the challenge, whatever you do, do not, no matter what, and I do mean, no matter what, under any circumstances, as your very life may dependent on undertanding this inconcievably important point and following my directions to the letter, don't......." Looks behind him, walks away from the glass.
:with sincerity: "Do you smell toast? I think I smell toast."
"The beholder named Stan heaved a sigh
As he tossed in more potatoes to fry
'Boy, I think I was dumb,
Should've listened to Mum,
And never got my degree from DeVry"
"When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one to say 'orange marmalade? Who eats this crap?'"
Hah, love a bit of toast!
I found some great monologues by the Joker (batman) on a wiki page that pads all this out
"Remember, whatever you do, don't push the green lever. Wait a minute, none of these levers are green!"
Gives the PC a jar with green goo in it.
"When you push the wrong lever, dab some green paint on it."
As he walks off, the PC hears:
"I hope that jar had the green paint and not the green slime...."
This is not the correct timeline nor this is reality. This is not real. No, it is, the time is just wrong, or is it the place? No, this must be real. It has to!
And to add more effect, looks at a random character and asks intently:
Are you real? Are you?
What is it they say - doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity?
Well, maybe this will end different with you than the last three subjects,,,uh, "contestants".
Anything from Jar Jar Binks. Include the accent so it sounds like the mage has a strong case of schiziophrenia.
Accompany with clumsy / foolish acts that put somebody (else) in a position of suffering imminent harm.
If you're up to it, make up a couple pages of this person's notes for the PCs to find. See the second panel, and the mouseover text, of this page of Dr. McNinja: http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/17p17/