How The Lich stole Khybersef
Every Khybersef for almost a century, Karrnath set off on a campaign
of death and terror with their undead legions...until now...
Every Karrn
Down in Karrnath
Liked fighting the Last War an awful lot
And the Lich
Who lived North on Farlnen,
Liked selling them the undead that she wrought.
The Lich loved fighting! The whole warring season!
If you ask me, the evil alignment’s part of the reason.
It could be that her skull wasn't attached quite right.
It could be that her minions weren’t too bright.
But if you really want an answer that’s correct,
She has something called the Mark of Death, what’d you expect?
Yet,
Whatever the reason,
The help or her mark,
Moranna ended their pact with a bark,
She kept the profane rituals but cast out the Order,
Vol’s agents in Karrnath were likened to agents of Mordor.
She made sure every Karrn down in Karrnath forever knew,
Their alliance with the Order of the Emerald Claw was through.
"And they're hanging my seekers!" Vol raged with a roar.
"Tomorrow on Khybersef! My schemes are done for!"
Then she growled, her withered talons nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Khybersef from coming!"
For, tomorrow, she knew...
...All the Karrn girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early...and they'd rush for their swords!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Cries! Blades! Death! Blood!
That's one thing she would miss! The BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
Then the Karrns, young and old, would rush over to battle.
And they'd STAB! And they'd STAB!
And they'd STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!
They would start raising undead, and the rare elite zombie
They stole her labor without paying like those suits from Abercrombie!
And THEN
They'd do something she missed most of all!
Every Karrn down in Karrnath, the grim and the tall,
Would stand close together, silent and chilling.
They'd stand shield to shield. And the Karrns would start killing!
They'd kill! And they'd kill!
AND they'd KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
And the more Lady Vol thought of the Khybersef campaign,
The more The Lich thought, "THEY MUST BE SLAIN!”
"Why for eighty years I didn’t miss it once!
I MUST stop Khybersef from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then she got an idea!
A monstrous idea!
THE LICH
GOT A LOVECRAFTIAN, MONSTROUS IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Lich laughed with reverb,
And then she whipped up a Disguise Self ritual most superb.
She roared, and raged, "What a dastardly bastardly trick!
“I’ll get Moranna’s undead and her little dog right quick!”
"All I need is an airship…"
The Lich looked around.
But since airships are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop Lady Vol...?
No! The Lich simply said,
"If I can't find an airship, I'll teleport instead!"
So she called her private abactors, all draped in red,
And they murmured in draconic fell words of dread.
MEANWHILE
She grabbed some old bags of holding,
And some empty wagons of folding,
Up to maximum encumbrance she went,
Then came a teleport to rival The Event.
The Lich said, "Cast off!"
And the world went dark.
And her form traveled through the ether…
She had arrived in Korth, right on the mark.
All their windows were dark. And quiet snow filled the air.
The Karrns were at home dreaming of genociding Aundair.
When Vol came at last to a garrison in the square…
"Kill without me will you,” The old undead mage hissed
And she flew up to the roof, empty bags in her fist.
With a knock ritual she entered, ten minutes spent.
Silent as Thuranni, Swift as Orien in she went.
Here the little Karrns kept their zombies in a row.
"These creatures," she grinned, "are the first things to go!"
And she slithered and slunk, with a smile most warped,
Around the whole crypt she crept and took every corpse!
Zombies! Wights! Even a Skeletal Boar!
Ghouls! Vampires! And others I’m sure!
She stuffed them in bags of holding, they don’t need air,
Then the lich fed them up the chimney without a care!
Then she slunk to the armory. She took the Karrn’s steel!
She took the skeletal-barding! She took the whole deal!
She cleaned out those racks quick as a magebred horse,
The lich even poisoned their rations without remorse!
With glee she stuffed all that crap in her wagon.
"Now!" said the Lich, “I’ll get their zombie dragon!”
The lich grabbed the huge corpse and away she snuck,
When a voice behind her said “what the f***....”
This sudden pitter patter of feet was heard,
And who should emerge but young Kaius the Third.
Kaius had no fear before this demon of the night,
He was schooled in Vol’s lore, twas his birthright.
“Mistress Vol,” he asked, voice annoyingly high,
"Why are you taking our legions, why? Why!?”
Now certainly this turn of events must seem quite absurd,
A booming voiced undead horror conversing with young Kaius the Third.
Vol grinned to the extent her bony face was capable,
“Now listen here my child,” and she spun a quick fable.
“These undead are completely broken you see.
They die from headshots and blunt weapons very quickly.
But I’ll get them fixed up as soon as they’re loaded into my sled,
They’ll drink Brelish blood tomorrow, now off to bed!”
And with that, young Kaius the Third went back to sleep.
Screams for succor and mercy danced in his dreams most deep.
Then
The Lich did the same thing,
To the other Korth base.
She left a force
Much too small
To oppose the Cyran race.
It was quarter past dawn...
And all the Karrns were in bed, quite subdued.
Except the third watch, they were realizing that Korth was screwed,
The Lich packed up her wagons and sled,
She packed them high with the walking dead!
Vol took the dead to the heart of Mount Crusade,
The one place where Khybersef could be unmade.
"Thrice damned Karrns!" she was lich-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Khybersef is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know what they'll do!
"They’ll check their armories and rush into their tomb.”
"Then all the Karrns down in Karrnath will realize their doom!"
"That's something," said the Lich,
"I’d not miss for all the world, my pretty!"
So she cast a scrying spell and gazed out to the city.
And she did sense a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't impending doom!
Why, this sound sounded like cheers!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS cheering! CRAP!
She stared down at Korth,
The Lich popped her eye-like red spheres!
Then she shook!
What she scryed confirmed her worst fears!
Every Karrn down in Karrnath, the whole force,
Headed into battle without even an undead horse!
She HADN'T stopped Khybersef from coming!
IT CAME!
Without their undead they went to war just the same!
They pounded on shield and blew into horn!
They called out, “Without glory no one will mourn!”
And the Lich, with her draconic talons in the snow,
Stood wondering and wondering: "How could it be so?
“They kill without zombies! They kill without wights!
"They slaughter and maim without the Order spreading frights!”
And she wondered six hours, `till her powers were restored.
And an idea dawned while looking out at the Karrnathi horde,
"Maybe hatred,” she thought, “doesn’t come from necromancy...”
"Maybe hatred...perhaps...is something less fancy!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Karrnath they say,
That Vol’s dragonmark pulsed an eerie green from its former gray,
And her eldritch markings grew three sizes that day!
In Korth’s darkest hour...when all hope had faded...
That Erandis d’Vol rode onto the field and Korth’s doom was abated,
She brought the heat! The kind that only comes from a level 19 elite!
And she...
...SHE HERSELF...!
The Lich rode for Cyre on the zombie dragon!
Based (heavily) on “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” by Theodore Geisel. |