HERE.
It also made the story much more sad than it already was...
Furthermore, I like how you portray the elves in it. You did not portray the elves victimizing themselves and demonizing the drow. You potrayed elves who had a sense of compassion while frowning on what their cousins did. Not sure if anyone else caught it, but it was what I noticed.
This also gives me a nice, memorable flashback of a roleplaying scene a character of mine had with an elven bard. The elven bard told her a totally different viewpoint of the Crown Wars that her church never told. Basically, the bard claimed that the elves were cursing an entire bloodline for the sins of a few. Ever since then, my character had story development and became less anti-drow, just was more cautious with them.
I can proofread this later if you want, after I get decent rest. My first read was looking at content and not technical grammar.
EDIT: The only thing I would suggest maybe, for a future story, is to include the perspective of Sheverashi devouts. While I am not a fan of the deity himself, I think it is still a critical viewpoint to include for elven lore. It is a viewpoint that many elves still sympathize with, even though his radicals are a minority. If you do not mind me throwing extra ideas, even having three to four drow viewpoints would not be a bad idea, either (A Kinslayer [the ones who go out of their way to make elves extinct, Drow of the Underdark 3.5 reference], an older and less radical Lolthite, a Vhaeraunite, and an Eilistraean viewpoint). This is not something that needs done, of course, but I think it would make things seem more real, if you do not feel it would scatter the stories too much. I feel that the political complexity surrounding elves and drow are a major part of them.
Friendly regards,
AryaNightingale
As to suggestions: 1) Repetitive use of Bladesong, Bladesinger, Scimitar, and Thinblade during the combat scene detracted from the action. 2) The stylistic difference between melee combat and spellcasting or item use was jarring, producing a pause in the action that seemed unnatural. 3) Something seems wrong with your opening sentence, sorry I don't have a better way to describe it, maybe stilted. 4) Lastly some of the combat especially the acrobatic moves, seemed to be ill placed from a knowledgeable perspective (I have many years of hand to hand combat experience and well the images some of the combat was forming in my mind, would simply not allow the kind of acrobatics described at those particular moments and any attempt to do such a thing would result in being exposed. Of course this could just be my problem. :D )
Things I thought were particularly strong: 1) The Osu, Osa etc. was well used and definitely evoked a cultural tie to the characters. 2) The mention of Ketryllia Amarillis further cemented that cultural seed, and strengthened it with a historical tie further cementing the story in its time frame. 3) Young Aldramar is very well written, as well as the storyteller and the children.
So essentially I would say the real strength of the piece lies in the beginning, and the end. The middle suffers from a desire to describe everything, which led to the problems I listed above. In this piece you clearly assumed the reader would not be familiar with terms that are game oriented/FR oriented and decided to describe what each such term meant. I think you would be better served in these instances by using more universal terms, which would remove some of the verbal clutter and tighten up the middle part of your narrative.
Regardless this is all just my opinion, and in no way am I attempting to disrespect your writing. Overall good job, but I think it has more potential.
Cons: Too much repetition in same paragraphs or phrases wrongly constructed (mostly names or descriptives (ex: The Storyteller is a Sun elf..., or when Aldramar unsheath is sword to block the scimitar). Talking Sentence should be on seperate lines. Could have been more "emotion" between the two, after all, they are depicted as kind of brothers.
Others: Dates don't use ",". Its 1374 DR. Continue the good writing and I believe you could make your mark ;) Good Luck !
Haha! Spare the rod, spoil the child, right?
-I'm not fully getting it, Pippa...?
-I'm not fully getting it, Pippa...?
I was responding to Rinonalyrna really, as she volunteered to be your proofreader. And since "complacency is the womb of mediocrity", I merely suggested that she'd give you a hard time, to help you push your limits. (But I suck at English proverbs.)
Then, maybe, someday... who knows! A novel occurs!
I admit I had a couple of remarks but hose have been addressed already. If you edited one thing and another like you said, those should be dealt with now.
Got any inspiration for other short stories, already?
I was responding to Rinonalyrna really, as she volunteered to be your proofreader. And since "complacency is the womb of mediocrity", I merely suggested that she'd give you a hard time, to help you push your limits. (But I suck at English proverbs.)
Then, maybe, someday... who knows! A novel occurs!
-Oh, I see, I see.
-Yeah, I tried making some innuendo right now about her giving me a hard time, but it didn't work. So, yeah.
Got any inspiration for other short stories, already?
-Yes and no, but there's always other stuff to take care of first.
-As a side note, the edited story, as well as any other future things I write, can be found HERE.
-I'm waiting for some feedback from my editor (and anyone else) right now before going back and smoothing more things out.
Unfortunately, I can't access the website from this computer for some reason...Will be reading this today.
"Whom" should replace "who" in the title.
"Mr" as a title for an elf? I don't think so.
You really need to look at your overuse/misuse of capitalisation.
I'm glad you can write something without using dashes!
As to the story... ehh, it is convoluted in places, as Kerym Ammath has mentioned.
Now that I've read it, however, I fill compelled to edit... trying to fight urge.... crap!
Well, if I edit online, I'll post it in a spoiler... $^&#%^&...
Personally I am just in mild awe that you posted it...
-Why?
-Why?
Because of the amount of time and effort that must have gone in to producing it and getting it to a place where you would be happy showing, effectively, to the world?
If I pass my current degree and become a research physicist, then doing the above will effectively be my job. That doesn't mean the idea fails to terrify me ;).
Because of the amount of time and effort that must have gone in to producing it and getting it to a place where you would be happy showing, effectively, to the world?
If I pass my current degree and become a research physicist, then doing the above will effectively be my job. That doesn't mean the idea fails to terrify me ;).
You fear what others think of your works?
-Ah, I see. Well, there's a bit of a difference between that and presenting an actual scientific thesis. As I said in my original post, one of my purposes for doing so was to get feedback and criticism- I had no editors or anything. I had the concept in my head for a while, and I just typed it all into the above story one afternoon. That's not exactly the same as putting together a thesis on something that is up to the standards of peer review journals and the such.
Say, by the way, down by the bay... errr.
Anyways, LK, do you mind if I edit, check and post it here?
I don't want to seem rude or anything...
-That's why it's posted. Make sure you actually look at the already edited version, though. I didn't even realize I hadn't linked to the new(er) version in my OP.
oops, ok, I'll get the new one then. thanks.
Personally I am just in mild awe that you posted it... I haven't had time to read it although I have managed to d/l it. I have started collecting information so that I can expand my Queen Fee and Alusair idea into a single piece of short fiction... or a series of vignettes... the amount of prep I am having to do is extraordinary. So I certainly salute and appreciate your effort here!
When you finish your project, I would love to read (and possibly edit) it.
You fear what others think of your works?
Having seen grown men and women brought to the brink of tears after a year of their work had its backside minced like burger meat in 20 seconds flat? In one word. Yes. In two words. Heck yes.
That's not exactly the same as putting together a thesis on something that is up to the standards of peer review journals and the such.
Still a sign of either fortitude or lunacy. Since I don't really know you, I shall tend towards the generous ;).
When you finish your project, I would love to read (and possibly edit) it.
You are more than welcome to. Although at the moment what I have is fragments of scenes, lines and images that are a good strong start... but will probably be re-written to a point beyond death in anything approaching the final version.
In the mean time I am gathering information on Cormyr and the court in the past so that I can have a better stab at pitching it right now
Having seen grown men and women brought to the brink of tears after a year of their work had its backside minced like burger meat in 20 seconds flat? In one word. Yes. In two words. Heck yes.
Hmmm, I see... well, just remember this; regardless of what you do, you won't please everyone. So long as you do the best you can, it will be good enough.
I don't quite understand the fear you have, I've failed to save lives, stop disasters and notice things I should have to stop bad things from happening. But, I did my duty to the best of my abilities and, thou I'll live the rest of my life with guilt and regret, I have no fear of what others think of me or the blood, sweat and tears I put into doing what needed done.
You should try to remember that your best is enough, no matter what.
Still a sign of either fortitude or lunacy. Since I don't really know you, I shall tend towards the generous ;).
-Or just wanting editors to mark up what needs to be marked up, for free. ;)
You are more than welcome to. Although at the moment what I have is fragments of scenes, lines and images that are a good strong start... but will probably be re-written to a point beyond death in anything approaching the final version.
In the mean time I am gathering information on Cormyr and the court in the past so that I can have a better stab at pitching it right now
Wonderful, I look forward to reading your work eventually--especially since I love Cormyr.
-And, no, they're not necessarily related to each other- only in a fairly convoluted way. Well, not so convoluted, but...